Do you encourage honesty when you argue with your spouse? Truly? This is an important point to prayerfully consider because it’s relevant to the issue. Unfortunately, we don’t always make it “safe” for our spouse to tell us the truth. And we don’t even realize that. But the truth is:
“When presented with the truth about something that has been concealed, many spouses think only of punishment. They cry, scream, hit, and threaten. And all these things do is persuade the lying partner to cover his or her crimes more carefully in the future.” (Dr Willard Harley)
Now, this doesn’t justify lying; but it also doesn’t encourage the other spouse to tell the truth. We all have to be honest about our behavior. If we want our spouse to be honest, we must make it safe for them to do so.
Below is a great illustration of this very point. Many spouses feel they need to make this type of “deal”:
Pertaining to this issue, here’s what Dr Willard Harley writes:
If you truly want honesty, don’t make your spouse miserable when he or she tells you the truth. That simply encourages dishonesty the next time. Instead, talk about how important honesty is to you. And discuss what you can both do to make your marriage a safe place to be open and honest.
How well do you encourage honesty? You may say that you want your spouse to be honest; but do your own actions promote it?
To Encourage Honesty, think about it:
• Do you have angry outbursts when your spouse is honest with you?
• Do you make disrespectful judgments when your spouse is honest with you?
• When your spouse is honest with you, do you make selfish demands?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are punishing honesty. You are also inadvertently encouraging dishonesty. The way to encourage each other to be truthful is to minimize the negative consequences of truthful revelations. Instead of punishing your spouse when a shocking truth is revealed, try to reward your spouse’s honesty.
I have had couples learn to say, Thank you for being honest. If they feel they need some time to process the new information, I have them add, Can I have ten minutes to think about this? Then we’ll get back together to talk about it.
Make Honesty Safe
There are some marriages so infected by angry outbursts that it is not safe to be honest. Honesty runs the risk of a severe beating or even death. In these marriages, I suggest that a couple separate until safety can be assured. Couples should not live together as long as one spouse persists in abusing the other.
Dishonesty may prevent physical and emotional abuse in the short run. But dishonesty can lead to even greater abuse when it is discovered. If the fear of abuse is preventing you from being honest, I suggest separation while the abusive spouse receives professional treatment. Then when the risk of abuse is overcome, be totally honest with your spouse.
Remember, honesty is never your enemy. It’s a friend that brings light to a problem that often needs a creative solution. If honesty is followed by safe and pleasant negotiation, it becomes the necessary first step toward improving your compatibility and love for each other. (From the book, Surviving an Affair, written by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers)
Do you encourage other types of communication, as well? Dr Gary Chapman wrote the following concerning this issue of encouraging honest conversations. It comes from The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional – April 10:
“’Respect everyone; and love your Christian brothers and sisters.’ (1 Peter 2:17) I’ve heard many people say, ‘My spouse won’t talk with me.’ If this describes your marriage, the question is, why? One reason some spouses go silent is negative communication patterns. Here are some questions to help you think about your own patterns. Consider whether you often come across as negative or complaining.
- Do I listen to my spouse when he talks? Or do I cut him off and give my responses?
- Do I allow my partner space when she needs it? Or do I force the issue of communication, even at those times when she needs to be alone?
- Do I maintain confidences? Or do I broadcast our private conversations to others?
- Do I openly share my own needs and desires in the form of requests rather than demands?
- Do I give my spouse the freedom to have opinions that differ from my own? Or am I quick to ‘set him straight’?
If you answer yes to the second half of any of these questions, it may be time to change your communication patterns. It’s all about treating your spouse (and all believers) with respect and love, as 1 Peter 2:17 directs. Doing so may loosen the tongue of a silent spouse.”
Honesty in Our Own Communication Patterns
Here are a few more questions to prayerfully and honestly ask yourself:
- Am I using my communication to build my spouse up or tear him/her down?
- Would my spouse say that my words are glorifying to God?
- If I feel like my spouse is picking a fight, do I respond in a way that deescalates the conversation or adds fuel to the fire?
- Is my body language welcoming and open during this conversation?
- Am I seeking to hear what my spouse is actually saying or putting my own biases and opinions on their words? (Questions come from the “Communication Checklist” written by Grace Marriage)
If we want honesty and openness from our spouse, we have to welcome their honest communication. We can then work on it from there. And that is the honest truth. Openness and honesty goes both ways.
You don’t have control of what your spouse does or doesn’t do. You aren’t responsible for your spouse’s behavior; but you are responsible for yours. Looking at all of this honestly is a great step in a healthy direction.
— ALSO —
Furthermore, here’s an important article to read that can give you additional insight into this issue:
It’s important to be careful how you deal with the things your spouse tells you. Sometimes our minds can play tricks on us. We’re SURE we recall something a certain way; but it may not be so. Below is a link to an article posted on The Generous Husband web site. Paul Byerly makes a good point concerning this issue. For better understanding, please read:
• BEING GRACIOUS ABOUT DIFFERENCES IN HOW YOU REMEMBER
(Your memory is not as good as you think it is)
So, What Can We Do to Encourage Honesty in Our Marriages?
This is a hard question to answer. It’s also difficult to accomplish. But we know it’s possible because we have rebuilt our own marriage upon this principle. We didn’t always make it safe for the other to speak his or her own mind. God revealed that to us in the midst of some tough marital times. Now, we both work to encourage each other to be as open and honest with each other. Thankfully, God is helping us in this mission.
The important thing is to try to be as approachable to your marriage partner as you can. Yes, we know that many spouses are dealing with abuse issues. And if that is the case, you have to approach marriage issues differently than the “average” spouse. Please go to the Abuse in Marriage index topic. Prayerfully read what you can to deal with the difficult issues that face you.
But for the rest of us, it’s important to work through the questions listed above. And it’s also important to work to be as approachable as you can. That’s what marriage partnership is all about. Jesus is approachable, and we should be too. That’s what Drs Les and Leslie Parrott talk about in something they wrote. Please prayerfully consider what they write here (and go into their linked article for more thoughts on this matter):
“If you’re ready to become more approachable in your marriage, here are a few ground rules:
• Remind yourself that you and your spouse are on the same team. You share many goals, dreams, and visions for the future.
• Pray together and individually. Bless your spouse and pray for them.
• Do good to your spouse.
• Tell your spouse they can come to you. Help them feel safe when they do.
• Be a good listener. Don’t listen to respond, and don’t use their concerns against them.
• Give to your spouse without expecting anything in return.
• Take a walk in your spouse’s shoes. Leverage empathy to better understand where your spouse is coming from.
“Being approachable to your spouse is the secret to open, thriving communication. Approachability cultivates trust between the two of you and helps you both feel emotionally safe. And it’s an incredibly important attribute of your marriage that will open the door to healthier, more effective communication, problem-solving, and conflict resolution.” (Drs Les & Leslie Parrott, from their article, “Approachability: The Key to Emotional Safety in Marriage“)
And that is our prayer for you. We pray you will work on being approachable to each other. As you do your marriage can thrive as you cultivate trust. It’s important to encourage honesty to build a safe, loving marriage. We hope you will.
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
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Filed under: Communication and Conflict