How does it make a man feel when his wife puts their children ahead of him? We posed that question to a group of men. Their most common answers are listed below:
1. Insignificant and disrespected
Most replied that they felt a deep lack of respect from not only their wives, but from their children. “Respect is important to a man, and he doesn’t feel that when the children consistently come first,” said one man.
2. Unloved
Most men, unlike most women, associate love with actions instead of with feelings. When a woman places her children above her husband, her actions say to him that she loves the children more than she loves him. Though not as vocal about it as women, men desire to be deeply loved by their wives. It is difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, but treat him in a cool or casual manner.
3. Lonely
One of the man’s greatest needs is companionship, and he usually expects to find this in his relationship with his wife. “As my wife pours more and more of her life into being a mother, she pours less and less of it into being my wife,” said one man. “The friend I once had in my wife is now a friend to our children, but a stranger to me.” The lonelier a man becomes, the more vulnerable he is to outside temptation. Is your husband lonely because of the time you spend with your children? Are you in any way making him more vulnerable to the attentions of other women?
Also, When Children Are Prioritized Ahead of a Husband, He Feels:
4. Unappreciated
Men appreciate being appreciated! Many men feel that their wives show greater appreciation to their children than they do to them. “If our daughter goes to a friend’s for the night, my wife misses her terribly,” said one husband. “When she comes home the next morning, my wife is ecstatic to see her and acts as if she’s been gone forever. I can be gone for days on a business trip, and my wife acts like I never left. Sometimes she even seems to resent my return home.” Does your husband know how important he is to you and how much you value him? Are you an appreciative wife?
5. Resentful and Angry
Though not a majority, some men stated that when their wives put their children first, they felt a sense of resentment and anger; some felt this way toward their children, others toward their wives. “My fifteen-year-old son walks through the door and my wife immediately asks abut his day or rubs his back if he’s tired. She pampers him constantly. I find myself resenting him, even though I know it isn’t his fault.” Is your husband frustrated or even jealous of your relationship with your children? Could it be that he feels left out or overlooked?
IDEAS ON THIS ISSUE OF CHILDREN AND THEIR PRIORITY:
Maybe you’re sensing that you need a major overhaul in this area, or perhaps just some fine-tuning. Regardless, here are some ideas to consider:
1. Think positive thoughts.
For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!
2. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Often this comes easily with our children, but is more difficult with our husbands. Grant him the same gracious generosity that you so readily give your kids.
3. Be spontaneous.
Surprise him once a week with a random act of kindness. One woman recently discovered that her husband liked a slushy drink from a local convenience store. She began buying them for him. “He loves it when I do this. It’s such a simple thing to do, and lets him know I’m thinking about him.”
4. Invest in his stock.
Share with your children things you admire about their father. This lets them see how important your marriage is to you. Though it’s been said dozens of times, the way Mom sees Dad is the greatest influencer of how the children see him. Do this with others as well. Many women excel at communicating their children’s strengths, but not their husband’s.
One woman pointed out that often friends will talk about their children in glowing terms, but when they talk about their husbands, they tend to talk about their weaknesses and inabilities. If you do this, stop! Commit to sharing with others only those things that build your husband up. Words are infectious and should be chosen wisely.
5. Make your bedroom a haven.
Too often this is the catchall room. Make an effort to keep it clean, organized, and inviting. One woman bought a small love seat and placed it in the master bedroom. This is where she and her husband spend a few moments together once they’ve gotten in the door at the end of the day. It shows their children that they value each other’s company as well. Burn a fragrant candle so that the room smells inviting and warm.
6. Cater to his quirks.
Many times we think our children’s quirks are cute but our husband’s are obnoxious. One woman discovered that her husband liked his sheets changed often, yet she preferred going longer between changings. “I fought this for years,” she said. “I thought he was being too obsessive. One day my daughter asked why I ignored her father’s request for clean sheets but always changed hers whenever she asked. I was shocked. This was something I didn’t even realize I was doing. I suddenly saw that I was not only dismissing one of my husband’s rare requests, but I was also modeling wrong priorities for my daughter.”
7. Check your attitude.
Said one woman, “I was stunned one night when my husband told me that he wished I had the same attitude toward him that I had toward the kids. From his perspective, I bent over backward for them. I ran all over town to find my daughter the right dress or my son the right tennis shoes. But he said that if he asked me to stop at the hardware store and pick up a gallon of paint, I balked.” Our attitudes speak volumes to our husbands.
8. Pray for your husband.
This tip could go in every chapter. There is nothing like prayer to soften your heart and sharpen your focus.
9. Reintroduce pet names into your relationship.
Refrain from calling him “Dad” or Daddy.” Choose instead to call him by a name that shows your love and high regard for him as a husband.
Your husband may or may not respond as you re-prioritize your relationships. It really isn’t an issue, though, if you are doing it to honor God. Certainly it’s nice for him to notice and appreciate your efforts, but it isn’t necessary. God notices.
This article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan for Marriage Still Works Today
Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
— ADDITIONALLY, CONCERNING CHILDREN & YOUR HUSBAND —
Here’s an article we recommend you read on this issue:
• FIND OUT WHY YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD COME FIRST
— PLUS —
We strongly recommend that you read the following linked article that is related, written by Gary Thomas:
• THE DANGER (TO OUR KIDS) OF A DISTANT MARRIAGE
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage For Married Women
(USA) Thanks to the authors of the book that this is taken from. Thanks for having the courage to consider marriage from a biblical perspective, in spite of all the feministic, manish responses from women who don’t know how to relate to a man, and as a result, are stuck in bad relationships. Modern women have traded the traditional roles of women for a more masculine role. Judging themselves by masculine standards, and have no idea why they keep going from one bad relationship to another. YOU are the problem. You’ve bought into secular philosophies that tell you that you should be the head, and that you should run things. That’s a part of the curse… the women would try to control her husband and usurp his authority (authority that shows itself in loving humility).
Women have been duped by feminists, who aren’t interested in loving relationships with men, and they don’t want you to have them either. So they sabotage your life and relationships by teaching you all the things that will derail, hinder or completely destroy your relationships with men.
A man naturally provides and protects his family. He has to be taught to nurture and love them tenderly… BY OTHER MEN. Good men know this and teach other men what they need to know. Many women on the other hand… often advise rebellion and personal rights, effectively sowing the seeds of discord and relational failure.
WOMEN… if you want to be happy, love, nurture and submit to your husband. A man who receives such attention and care will unconsciously be drawn closer to you and will desire to meet your every need. HOWEVER, don’t complain when you don’t do your due diligence when selecting a mate. Don’t be upset with all men, simply because you chose a tight butt and a clever bad boy grin over a nerdy but stable and loving gentleman. You can’t act and dress loosely to attract a good man and then complain about a lack of character and concern afterwards. Spend more time looking for character and lose the list of attributes you don’t possess… all the while demanding that a man be “all that” and more.
Women often adopt a false personna and a false image via make up, girdles and every other body altering device. These things are used to hide a lack of character and depth… they are “hooks” used to catch the “fish” they think they want. So don’t be suprised when you find out that the guy has also been hiding his weaknesses, as well.
(CANADA) When I marry, I can only hope that my husband will put our children before me.
Personally, I see children as an extension of BOTH their parents – when I care for my child, it will in part be a service of devotion to their father. I don’t understand how more people don’t see that.
I also feel that when one spouse complains that they are not getting attention, they are being extremely hypocritical. By being so demanding and self-centred, they are putting THEMSELVES first, before both their spouse and children. This goes for husbands and wife alike. And it is a nasty thing to demonstrate to you children – neediness and self-absorption.
(USA) If your children do not see the oneness of you and your spouse and hence the singularity of the family unit, they will suffer. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. We are working on correcting the results of such; having narrowly skirted divorce, thank God. If they are put first, they will be the ones that demonstrate neediness and self-absorption.
(CANADA) I agree. But I don’t think the path to oneness is to pull one section of the family away from another to be closer to a different section is a good way to achieve it. To be truly one, the whole family needs to come together as a unit.
To achieve this, *both* partners must work hard. Fathers need to be more hands on, but mothers need to work harder to make sure their husbands are involved. And I don’t just mean in helping with chores. Mothers need to make it having fun with the children in a family-oriented setting (not child-oriented, and there is a difference) more available and easy for fathers.
I think the separation between children and adults in North America is one of our leading problems as to why so many marriages fail. While obviously some aspects of a marital relationship must be kept behind the bedroom doors, the divide between ‘kid time’ and ‘adult time’ (with kid time taking first row in the afternoons and on weekends) is very problematic.
Of course, fathers feel lonely and unappreciated since they are often a bit out of the loop during these hours, which are their prime free time. No one wants to work all day only to come home and be ignored. There needs to be a time when the parents interact with each other as much as they are interacting with the children. This will not only give the father more of a sense of belonging and appreciation, but it will also help his relationship with his wife, making her happier with him and far more easier to be compliment in those less-child-appropriate times.
(PUERTO RICO) How does it make a man feel when his wife puts their children ahead of him? This is when both are responsible, hardworkers, do all the chores at home without blaming each other. The problem is that children tend to look for the mother and the mother should have the maturity to make the balance and not side with them. The mother is responsible for the respect that the father deserves at home. It does not matter if the children are her children or he is not the father. Children know what they are doing and will follow their selfish instincts. The mother should not side with them. This will create chaos at home and a very tense environment. This is true unless the mother wants to have the selfish power of everything going at home.
(USA) Why are you saying the wife sides with the children, Rodolfo? Sometimes the father sides with the children. Why are we always blaming women? Satan is surely at work these days.
(USA) Maybe that’s not the case in his circumstance?
(USA) Having read this article, I am merely a room mate, a paycheck and benefit package for her and her daughter (as I cannot give my children from my previous marriage money or assistance). I haven’t seen any of my children in years, my wife refuses to even try to start a relationship with them. But we have all the time and money in the world for her daughter, family and friends.
She left me to celebrate New Years alone while her and her daughter headed to a Casino out of state for the weekend. Constant trips to visit her daughter for a day or 2. Gives her thousands of dollars each month to pay her bills, go out with friends, whatever. She just spent the weekend with us and brought her boyfriend. We spent nearly $500.00 on taking them to dinner, buying their beer and drinks, paying for their good time. I couldn’t even get close to my wife (we haven’t made it to our first anniversary yet). I paid for her to go on trips to New York with us (big mistake, as always I was pushed aside and it became all about her and my wife). When her and her boyfriend left, her boyfriend at least thanked me. She didn’t hug me, say thank you, nothing.
On other visits, my wife gets angry because I won’t sleep in the spare room so she and her GROWN daughter (21) can sleep together. I am thinking of divorce because I really don’t think any of it will change. I will never be anything more than a room mate to my wife, and certainly never a priority in her life. I have made her my priority since we met and truly love her with all my heart, but I do not feel or see the same from her. Pray for an answer for me, because my heart is breaking daily and I feel completely hollow inside.
Wow. What a sad world. And I must say, the older generation in America sets a very POOR example of what a true marriage should be like. I don’t even have my own parents to look up to. This is truly disastrous. I am 20 years old and based on what I see in my every day life and the comments that I read on here, I am not even sure if I could survive marriage because of all of this.
I know I will cherish my husband and children, but goodness gracious, if it takes that much anger is it really worth it? I pray that I will FINALLY witness a true marriage before I start my own. Where are the role models?
I suck as a husband, man and father. My wife is a dream killer and close minded. Yesterday was our 8 year wedding anniversary. Not a single kiss was given. Instead, I slept on the couch. Whatever love we had for each other is gone. We’ve got 2 kids, 5 and 3 years old. I am trapped. Either I divorce her and pay for everything and not see my kids or I stay and live a miserable love life, but see my kids.
As I’ve said before, I suck as a husband. However, I have a great career, pay all our bills, help out with the kids. I do the dishes, cook, clean, pickup the kids from school. We share responsibility of everything 50/50. Yet, she’s never on my side, never says she loves me. Love making? Can’t remember the last time we made love. Sex, oh we’ve had sex, but it’s no different than having a one night stand. I’m done with this type of life.
People, marriage has not been good for me. I wonder how my wife feels? Probably the same as I do. We’ve changed so much. We are roommates with kids. And the sad thing is I have no desire to fix our marriage. If she does, I am clueless. Just had to get it off my chest.
Jason, It’s obvious that you don’t want input –just want to get this off your chest. I’m not sure how you think it’s okay to “suck as a husband” and stay in that state of dysfunction –not trying to do better, but what can we say? If you think it’s okay to get married and then have kids and model what it is to be a horrible husband to them, I feel sorry for your kids, your wife and for you. No matter what your wife is acting like, that doesn’t justify your acting out as a bad “husband, man, and father.”
Why do you think you fail as a husband? From what you describe you sound pretty reliable and engaged at home. Maybe you just need to talk to her and get counseling. You said you wonder how she feels and that is very telling. You’re not communicating with each other. Also read the 5 love languages. It could be that you speak different love languages but it’s not impossible to change that.
I feel less than my wife’s kids, my step kids. She is always putting them before me, and I have sacrificed a lot for them and her. I feel like a third wheel, an outsider in my own home. When I told her about it and showed her the article, all I got from her was I warned you about this before you married me… I love her but I feel as though there is a wedge between us now. A part of my spirit and heart has died.
My husband has been jealous of my son from day one! I would serve my son his dinner when he was five because I didn’t want my 5yr old to carry his own plate to the table because there’s a good chance he would spill and I didn’t need more work cleaning up the mess if he did. I didn’t serve my husband because he’s able to carry his own plate being a grown man! He was jealous and got mad! I’m your wife, not you servant!
It went down hill from there. Because of the way he has treated me, my son and our children we had together, I have lost respect for him. He calls our then two yr old stupid for spilling milk, tells son to get the he_ _ away from mom when I was sleeping (he had a nightmare). When I’m sick my kids take care of me while he all of a sudden is sick too! Every time! He wants me to put him first while still treating all of us like crap. Wants sex after treating me or kids awful! Sorry I’m not a robot. I need to feel loved and cherished and know that he loves and cherishes our kids too for me to want to show him love through sex.
I have read through a few of the comments and just want to thank everyone who has turned me off from marriage. What is the point? I am truly happily single, make really good money, have eggs and can buy sperm (and can even be more selective about the sperm if I am buying it). Seems like a spouse is just a huge, necessary inconvenience for the sole purpose of child rearing for so many people. This country is just becoming sickeningly child-centric. Your child should not be your spouse, lover, life partner or best friend… HOW FLIPPING DEPRESSING.
I absolutely refuse to marry someone who I feel it’s ok to neglect, designate to the lowest tier and feel I can live without. For goodness sake, this is the ONLY family member that I get to choose.
George Carlin used to say: you know what I tell people who say their needs aren’t being met? Drop some of your needs.
US = 60% divorce rate, almost as many children growing up single parent homes, billions of dollars in back child support owed, websites where you can shop for someone to have an affair with.
I can’t be the only one wondering why we fail so miserably at the things, love and family, we claim to want above all else. Perhaps it’s because we believe it’s the destination rather than the journey that will fulfill us. That getting to the altar and having babies will magically heal our broken hears and broken childhoods.
When we learn that the coveted status we sought doesn’t bring happiness on its own and that it doesn’t come with entitlement to unconditional validation and affection and having your every need met without hesitation, we can’t admit that we dug our own grave because our expectations were neither realistic nor fair.
If you’re there, like many men (and women) posting here seem to be, and feel the need to cope with your disappointment by making it a contest in your home as to who loves who more, who should love who more, and stating that you’re entitled to cheat, lie, abuse, ignore, do nothing to maintain the home because YOU were denied your “right” to affection, sex, a housekeeper, a financial supporter, etc…. you need to check yourself and fast. Because in the end it is the children who will suffer and repeat the cycle you find yourself trapped in. Put simply… grow up. You can’t be a parent when you’re still acting like a child yourself.
My wife puts everyone before me –children first, her mom second and then friends. We have sex maybe twice a year as she would rather watch reality shows and singing competitions on TV. I’m so depressed and hate my life. Sometimes I wish I would just die in my sleep. I have no friends left because I moved and have no one other than my young kids to spend time with. I got married thinking I would have a companion in life.
That’s exactly how my wife treats me, kids first, then her family, then strangers, then me. I’ve never been so depressed and lonely in my life, and I’m 42.
You are describing my wife, as well!
I too wish I’d die in my sleep or in some sort of accident. I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. My wife is cold and refers to me as a stalker for wanting time and attention from her. Her priorities are the kids, brothers, dad, facebook, friends, co-workers, and the dog. I’m last and only get leftovers.
If you believe children come before your spouse, then you’d better expect a very lonely, miserable marriage, and divorce.
Men, want to feel left out, a second fiddle? Marry a woman with a step-child. My advice is: don’t do it until the child is out of the house. Trust me, you will regret it, unless you men love being treated second rate. That is NOT how God wanted marriage in the first place. My bad.
Get to marriage counseling! I am a certified therapist and you are in a dangerous place already. Like you did in the beginning of the relationship, woo her. Bring back the romance and make regular date nights without the children. It is good that you want the relationship to be better. So many times it is the wife desiring a closer relationship and the husband doesn’t see
the need.
How I rate in her pecking order:
#1. her job
#2. her mother
#3. her daughter (35)
#4. her son (38)
#5. her grandchildren (5 of them)
#6. me.
Never marry a divorced woman with children. I was a fool. Needless to say, it’s not much of a marriage. We were doing pretty good before the grandchildren started coming. At that point she reconnected strongly with her children and I was finished. I always had to compete with #1 and #2, but I guess I accepted that. However, being #6 is unacceptable. Looking for a way out; probably a divorce.
My wife clearly loves the kids more than me, and I’m fine with it. I also love the kids more than her. If the house were on fire and I could only save 1 person it would be the baby. No question. I don’t think any woman truly loves her husband. Look at how the average woman treats men: constant nagging, never satisfied, uses sex as a tool of manipulation, constantly shifting moods, only cares about her needs, only cares about the money he brings in. I could go on and on and on.
So what’s a man to do? I have to protect my heart, and that means ignoring all her disrespectful behavior towards me. It means not initiating sex with her so she can’t use that to manipulate me. It means doing all the housework, yardwork, errands and childcare so she doesn’t have an excuse to nag (but she finds one anyway). That’s what I have to do to live with my wife. I truly wish she would go away and never come back. I love my kids too much to divorce her, because our sexist courts would surely give her custody just because she’s female, even though she’s a lousy mother. If I knew I’d get custody, I would divorce her in a minute.
Well of course women love their men. But you also have to accept the fact that we have our needs, as well, like chores around the house or even cooking sometimes. Everyone needs a little help. It’s tough work doing that every day on your own, not to mention the fact you said you had children.
Apparently women’s needs trump men’s needs…
It’s so simple, and herein lies the total frustration of a woman. APPRECIATE her, having KIDS SUCKS… it’s HARD, nursing hurts, postpartum emotions are TOUGH. Bring her FLOWERS, tell HER YOU LOVE HER, PRAISE HER… dear Lord, you are blessed to have a woman WHO LOVES YOUR CHILDREN… it could BE WORSE. Treat her, love her, enjoy her, laugh with her; it’s SO EASY it’s stupid. Value her… she is loving YOUR CHILDREN.
VIRGINIA, you have just stated all the things women do not do for men because they’re so Independent. You string-along ALL the so called hardships of women to be pampered while not listing ALL the hardships of men. And we wonder why most western women are not desirable to men now? I may add… ah forget it because there is no hope with the mindset of too many modern day women who don’t understand why we were created in the first place. I will say this, if I were in my 20’s again I would do some hard shopping outside of the west for wife.
Who ever is birthing, nursing, and staying home with the babies TRUMPS anyone’s needs… GROW UP.
With respect, it’s also this attitude that is killing relationships across the nation. You are not owed anything simply because you had a kid. Without someone supporting them, the mothers you speak of wouldn’t be able to stay at home with the kids to deal with the things you think catapults them into a higher echelon. This is exactly what people are complaining about:
You’ve effectively tied this entire thread together with 2 comments: You feel that you’re entitled to more of everything because you’re raising someone’s child(ren) and this escalates your value to something greater than your spouse’s. It isn’t hard to understand why someone might feel unappreciated when viewed in that way. Having the audacity to tell someone to grow up only reinforces the viewpoint that raising a child somehow makes you more ‘mature’. It doesn’t. It makes you tired, crazy, moody, frustrated, happy, and so much more. Having the mentality that you’re owed your spouse’s allegiance, paycheck, and subservience establishes a barrier to healthy communication.
Remember, in a Godly household there’s a hierarchy:
God
Spouse
Kids
Everyone Else
Note that spouses are ranked above the children there, and remember that your spouse is your equal, not your child-induced slave/butler.
If children don’t see the respect between spouses, they won’t have the positive modeling necessary to speed development of healthy relationships later in life.
Dismissing someone’s needs as unimportant, or somehow less important than their spouse destroys relationships. You have to be equals, under God, and above your children.
Virginia, I’m a stay at home dad – I do all the nursing for two young boys (sans mammaries), staying at home, didn’t deliver of course, but I do everything I could and can. I do the diapers, dishes, cleaning, yardwork, cooking, more dishes, laundry and yet my wife treats me third class. I hardly if ever see what friends I have left, I participate in zero outside activities, no leisure or fun or sports, I went from working out hardcore for five days a week to almost nil.
Nothing I do is right. I feel like a pencil eraser getting rubbed slowly out of existence… I read some of these posts and it was like a hammer to the head, the recognition of it. My wife bullies me. There, I said it, admit it openly. I take it because I love my kids; I adore them. I’d walk away in a heartbeat if it wouldn’t be so hard on them. And don’t suggest therapy. I’ve suggested that to my wife, but she won’t go. So perhaps you should reconsider your, in my opinion, childish remark for these abused men to “grow up.”
Virginia, have you ever spent 10 hours a day, 6 days a week in a 130 degree steel mill? Have you ever spent 12 hours/day 1250 feet below the ground in a coal mine?
I started doing more domestic jobs around the house, helped with laundry, cooking, picking up kids, etc. The more I did the less she helped around the house. Eventually I was doing it all. One day I suggested she cook dinner; she refused and said I was doing a good job. I don’t know how men are constantly called the selfish ones.
With respect, you’ve basically positively reinforced the behaviors that are bothering you. Remember that we all have bad/off days once in a while, but we must be ever vigilant to reinforce things as necessary. If she makes a step in a positive direction, reward it. If there are things that are happening that are bothering you, then try to negatively reinforce those things. Remember that we all react to a little praise.
Try to stay positive and keep God first. He can fix anything you’re facing. Place it in his hands, and get counseling if your relationship isn’t communicating well. We’re all people, and often times the heart is selfish. This is why we need Church and God in our lives daily.
Try to spend the first 15 minutes of your day with a Bible. Send up all your thanksgiving for having a home, food, yard, everything positive that God has done for you. If you’re struggling right now, it may be that a major breakthrough is just around the corner, and the accuser is trying to break your will before you can make it to it.
My wife won’t do a date night. She says she love me. But it’s obvious she isn’t in love with, for a while. Same thing in this relationship. Daughter, family, facebook, friends, dig then me. And there is no left over time with me. She looks at me like I’m pathetic when I try to spend alone time with her and that all I want is s-x. But how can this be when I only pursue this 1 or 2 times a month? She’ll let me hold her hand and focus on her for about 3 seconds then something will happen or she’ll remember something (which is so much more important).
I love her. I tell her I love her everyday between 10-15 times. I told her I was feeling extremely lonely, in which she immediately raised a flag in her mind for an affair. But I assured her that was not gonna be the case, but that made no difference in her. I truly feel so alone at 32 years old. I used to be the center of her life, and expected to always be, but at least 2nd below God. This is set by the Word of God, not by husbands… She now gets everything she needs emotionally from everyone else. And I work, pay the bills and fix anything that goes wrong in her life…
So sorry Chad, that this is happening to you. Sadly, this is very typical in more marriages than I could ever tell you. Spouses get into this lull of thinking that our spouse will always be there, and instead pursue those that bring more of a smile to their hearts. It SHOULD be their spouse that brings more of a smile, but I guess the dailyness of marriage wipes that away more than we should allow it. Why is it that we take for granted the one that we should least take for granted? That is a question that is relevant to marriages all over the world. Too often spouses wake up years later, or when it’s too late, and waste precious time that they could have spent enjoying each other, building a great relationship!
Somehow, you have GOT to help her to see that if she invests some interest in you, that you are more than willing to bring that smile to her face. I’m not sure how you can do that, but please pray about it, asking for insight.
Another thought that occurred to me is to recommend the book to you, How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. It’s EXCELLENT! It gives background into our different styles of how we want to be loved and what may have pushed us into that style. It then tells you how to address those styles (with some needing work to be done to them –they help you with that). It’s like counseling in a book…SO GOOD! I hope you’ll obtain it. It may give you insight that will help you to better address this issue. I hope and pray so.
Cindy, We need more people like you in the world. Often a soft word will turn a hard heart. Great advice given, and if I could recommend it, I definitely would.
John you are not going to lose your children if you get a divorce from their mother, the law is not that biased, and it will be up to you to keep the relationship with your children close and loving. You deserve to be happy and furthermore your children deserve to have happy parents, and to grow in a healthy loving environment. They will grow up to repeat the pattern and I would like to think that you do not want your children to have marriages full of martyrdom and self destructive behavior. However, if you are determined to stay in this relationship, perhaps you guys should get professional help. Love yourself, and teach your children to love themselves through your example.
This is typical feminized psychotherapy advice. Blame the man. Tell him it’s his responsibility to “fix” it by being more BETA, which is the reason she isn’t attracted anymore anyway, and has no respect.
The proper way for a man to FIX this is to ALPHA up, tell her that if she wants to continue to receive the fruits of his labor, she had better change her ways. Tell her what to do; women crave guidance, even though they’ve been taught to be “strong and I dependant”. Tell her what to make for dinner and what time you’ll be home, and be there. Flirt with her. Learn some “game.”
I agree with you plumber. Women do want to be guided and want the man to take charge but most women won’t allow it though. The problem is that we teach them that a girl should be independent and strong and not to let a man control them. What happens is you get a woman who has to be in charge at all times and will not be told what to do and will not be backed down and will not give a man her love and attention because that is somehow being subservient to a man.
In my experience most women want what they won’t allow. It doesn’t happen with their relationship with their kids because society does the opposite with kids as they do with Men. They teach women that they should put the kids wants and needs before theirs. There is no problem with a women feeling like they are giving in to their kids. Society has taught them that they should but they are taught that they are not to be withhold en to a Man. I am not saying that they need to be subservient to a man but women feel that by caring about their husbands needs means they are somehow being taken advantage of or controlled by their husbands.
If I complain that my wife doesn’t care about me she just says I am a pussy, and I am needy and to Man up. If a women complains to their husband that he doesn’t care he is called insensitive. It’s a no win argument. My wife doesn’t care about my needs or wants. She denies it until I ask her to give me an example of how or when she has shown or done something to show she cares about me and my needs. And isn’t that kind of the definition of a friendship or relationship. When you care about how else feels and do things to show you care and respect them. Otherwise what is a friendship or relationship? Just using that person for what you need?
Alpha males make terrible husbands and fathers. They may bring in the big bucks, but they are most often absentee fathers, selfish, unfaithful and can be abusive. My father was the quintessential alpha male. He made my mother’s life miserable but was the life of any party -a man’s man and a ladies man, yet a nigh mare at home. As soon as my youngest sibling was out of the house, she left him. Like so many men who tout that women depreciate over time, he was shocked to find out his money and stature didn’t bring in the babes for him as much as his receding hairline, paunch belly, jowls and personality repelled women. He’s a lonely man.
I feel bad for you that this was your experience. It shouldn’t have been. I’m also sorry that from your last comment, that you are experiencing this same problem in your marriage. I sure hope your children can shake this “legacy” and will find spouses who mutually love and respect each other. I pray God ministers to your heart.
11 years ago after the birth of our first child, my wife became a mom and stopped being a wife. We share equally in raising the children, the household, and I worked very hard so that we could afford to have her be an at home mom. Essentially I would work a full shift at work, then full shifts at night as a dad, and every single weekend and holiday, she gets to sleep in as long as she likes while I take care of the kids to let her sleep.
I have been totally abandoned by my wife; she does everything for the kids and barely thinks of me. We rarely have sex, maybe a few times a year, and that isn’t even my biggest complaint. What makes me the saddest is that I cannot remember the last time she said something positive or encouraging to me, or took my hand as we walked (it’s ALWAYS me reaching for hers), never once asks how my day was, etc. Meanwhile I never stop giving her compliments, thanking her for dinner, asking how her day was, etc.
Over the past 11 years I’ve regularly brought this up and even asked for couples’ therapy, and that just makes her mad and completely ignores and dismisses everything I have to say. I want to scream at her to take just one minute, listen to what I have to say, and see what she is like through my eyes.
You sound a lot like my father. He always wanted my mom to put him first and then the kids. He worked all night too so that my mom could take care of me and my sister in the day. He however, never let me or my sister hold our mother’s hand even when crossing a busy road. He gave everything up when he was done with it and shut everything he didn’t like out of his life. Even his own father.
The day came when he decided to leave, and he took all the money. Left my mom without a job. He even tried to sell the house and keep all the money for himself, not even really caring what would have happened to us. My mother said to him she would always choose us over him and honestly that’s how it should be. But it made him mad. My mother even sold her van. She needed all the money she could get. We had to use our grandparent’s truck as they paid for gas.
But then the day came where two teenagers had decided to go for a joy ride. They completely trashed the truck. And the sound of that boom and my mother crying because of all the drama is something I will never forget. My mother’s only hope was to get a job at a mall to care for us at the time. We could not even afford a babysitter so we were left to fend for ourselves, sorta. Now he’s used us for a lot of money because he thinks he shouldn’t be paying child support. And he has remained mostly out of my life. I only see him a few times a year for about 30 minutes to maybe an hour. So see it through the child’s eyes and maybe you will think differently.
With respect, Biblically, the spouse SHOULD be above the children.
1. God
2. Spouse
3. Children.
It’s easy to defend the parent who was wronged. It’s not as easy to evaluate the situations leading up to the mistreatment of one spouse.
In almost every hurtful mistake made in history between two people, both are in the wrong. Someone says something stupid, another overreacts, and the spiral has begun. It takes patience and perseverance to truly overcome hurt feelings and communicate effectively.
In this case, both parents made mistakes, and everyone suffered for it. I’m so sorry to hear that you had to suffer. My mother was mistreated in a similar fashion when I was young by both my father and my step father. I hope and pray that you are able to forgive your father, and that your mother is able to establish a wonderful life for herself. God bless and keep your family.
For me:
1: God
2: Children, because they need you the most
3: husband
I would want my husband to put the children first too. Stop being so selfish. The real meaning is you don’t really love your children.
Women wonder why their husbands leave them for someone who actually makes time and shows love for their partner just as much as the kids. Don’t neglect your spouse to care for your kids. A guy going to work, paying the bills, and finding the family whilst the mother is focusing fully on the children is NOT a marriage.
Funding**
God says God first then spouse.
As a Christian wife and not yet mother I have told my husband if he wants children then he better be prepared to come behind the children. I understand what the Bible says but it also says a rape victim is to marry her rapist (Leviticus) so like many Christians I too choose what to go by. There are very silly men who expect to come before an extension of a woman, aka her children. My husband understands this; I feel sorry for wives whose husbands demand they be first. It’s just not realistic.
And when your marriage goes away because one spouse or the other felt left out -what good does this do the children, to be brought up in a broken home?
Are you kidding?? Who’s being selfish? What does putting your husband, second only to God, have to do with loving your children? Of course, fathers love their children. As parents, we’re suppose to raise our children to be caring, self-sufficient, productive adults. If you got married to have children that would keep you company as a roommate in your later years. You shouldn’t have gotten married.
Women, let me educate you about spouses being first. They must be. Wives must be before the kids and husbands before the kids. Lets look at the whole basis for this issue. It is the word FIRST.
When men say first, we don’t mean if a heart transplant is needed, that the husband will get the heart. Of course the child gets it. We will die for the child. It’s the desire of the husband/wife that is priority over the child. The decisions and choices rest with the parents.The parents wants are first. When the parents needs and desires are fulfilled, they fulfill the needs of the children. Children’s needs and wants are two different things. Don’t confuse them. If the kid is that important then the wedding rings are in the wrong person. The tail cannot way the dog.
You are correct. The Bible does not require a wife to love her husband. It only requires her to respect him. The Bible requires the man to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Review Ephesians Chapter 5. Nothing more, nothing less. Women will always love their children more than their husbands -we are designed that way to ensure their survival.
Gnu5… You are wrong. I can’t say it any gentler than that. We’re told in Mark 12:29-31 that Jesus said to first, “love the your God with all your heart,” and then “second, to ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” I can’t imagine that there is much closer of a “neighbor” as your spouse. In Luke 6:35, we’re told to love even our enemies, without looking for something in return from them. I’m not thinking our spouses are our enemies, but if they act accordingly, we’re still supposed to love them.
And what about Ephesians 4:32, where we’re told to, “be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Are you “bearing” with your husband, being “humble, gentle, and patient?” If not, you’re not acting as you should. In 1 Peter 4:8 we’re told that “above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” In Colossians 3:14 we’re told, “and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” I think you get the gist of what I’m trying to say.
Gnu5, you have obviously been hurt by different men in your life. And for that, I grieve for you. But please don’t take this hurt and project it onto others, twisting what it says in the Bible, and spitting it out as if this is the law of the land. The bitterness you have swallowed is obviously coming out, and is hurting others. I realize that hurt people often hurt people. But instead of staying on that road of bitterness, I hope you will instead ask the Lord to minister to your heart and situation. Take what was and is being done wrong, and instead apply God’s principle to “love one another” as God has loves us, offering grace, even to those who hurt Him.
I leave you with this –something for all of us to embrace from Ephesians 5:1-2, “Be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” I’m praying for you Gnu5, and for your husband and children.
People keep saying how mothers are bound to love their children. Of course that is right but the issue here is when that love consumes the woman and she forget that she is not the sole parent. I am married, I love my wife, I live in a different country so we mainly communicate on the phone. My lovely wife finds it hard to make time to call me just to talk like humans do.
I drift in and out if depression because of this. I feel extremely lonely. Many other women want my attention but I only want my wife. I tried to communicate this state of mind to her in all humanly possible ways but it’s like I am speaking Yoruba. I don’t know what to do.
Men need to realize the kids needs us! My daughters will always be there for me; will my husband? NO! My husband works all the time. I work too. What else am I supposed to do? He is always on line and working. I guess he made me put my daughters first and not him. My husband and I never have fun anymore. Why wouldn’t I put my daughter first? She likes to have fun and not work all the time. Men, stop saying we cater to our kids -maybe if you paid attention to your wives, your lives would be completely different!!!!!!!! And we would cater to you!
WOW, Lisa! Your bitterness is overflowing here. I’m sorry that you have gotten to this point –truly. If you notice, I had to take a few things out of your comment because the guidelines on this web site ask that you don’t belittle, etc. This is a forum for constructive dialogue. Also, please read some of the comments already posted and you will see that many men pay attention to their wives and children and STILL they are pushed aside. Yes, I know this can be a two-way street, but it isn’t always the same for everyone.
And I hope you aren’t serious about saying that your daughters “will always be there” for you. What happens if they marry? Are they supposed to shove their husbands aside for you? And what if they have children? Do you slide in first, or behind them? I can’t even imagine what you say to your daughters about your husband –their dad. I hope this was a one-time rant to us, rather than an everyday occurrence. Please enjoy your daughters, but don’t make them your source for entertainment. That’s more pressure than they should carry.
Also, please know that no one MAKES us put someone else first, whether it’s a daughter or someone else. I don’t know the circumstances behind your words. I can’t read into your life, but I’ve learned that there are two sides to every story… actually 3. There’s hers, his, and God’s (which is a truer version, because He can see from a totally different vantage point). I have a feeling that if I ask your husband about your marriage and family life, I’d hear a totally different side. Please be aware of this.
Lisa, I know this seems like I’m trying to push at you, when you obviously already feel pushed at, A LOT! But that’s not my intent. My intent is to have you look at what you’re saying and how you’re saying it and consider the bigger picture here. Would you really want to have “fun” with someone who yells out these types of things about you? My impression certainly wouldn’t be, “yeah, I want more of that… I’m going to make special time to stand behind the daughters and attempt to have ‘fun’ with her… yeah, that’s what I’d rush home to get more of!”
I’m not saying your husband is without fault. I’m sure he has his own stuff going on that I would see as problematic. But attacking other men who are trying to make sense of why they used to be an important part of their wife’s priorities, and now they aren’t (especially when many of them DO try to help out and be supportive), is not a good thing to do. Insights kindly given, can go a long way. Being civil with people, even strangers, is a good thing. These men didn’t attack you, why attack them? And why lump them together with those you have a personal grievance against? Yes, you’re obviously bitter, but come on! Lets be kinder here. You’re better than this, I’m sure. Please put effort into bringing that out, and maybe things can come out a bit better in the future, for everyone. I truly hope things get better for you and for your kids and for your husband –your family and marriage, as a whole. I pray for you.
Cindy, Once again, soft words and wonderful advice.
Lisa, I can feel your frustration, and from what I’m reading, it seems that you WANT that spark back in your relationship. I think this is wonderful! If he has no time for you, is your mutual scheduling too tight? It’s always easier to have fun as a kid, because you don’t have anywhere you have to be once school is over. As a person who works 2 jobs, I find that my schedule is so tight that often I don’t have time for the very people I’m working so hard for.
I respect that you love your child. This is wonderful. Your child will grow up, and one day will have their own life, and this is as it should be: genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:8, Ephesians 5:31.
Sometimes a soft word can change a hard heart. It could be that there’s no malice in your husband’s lack of attention. As men age, their desires and drives change. Is it possible that the two of you could truly put yourselves first for a week or two and try to reconnect? It might surprise you if a little effort was put forth on each spouse’s part how much you could come back together.
Are you willing to make amends? Is he? It’s not always an easy road to recovery, but love, communication, and mostly forgiveness will allow the two of you to come back together and remember why you decided to marry and have children with one another.
Thanks Neutrino, I really appreciate it, as well (and especially) how you have been reaching out to many, including Lisa. Your advice appears to be very wise and caring. Oh, how we need more people that will reach out to help others as you have been doing. Thanks so much for taking the time and prayerful effort to help so many. May God richly bless you because of your efforts. I/we hope you will continue to encourage others on this web site and elsewhere, as God leads. Please know that you are appreciated!
NO, these are not soft words. I’ve been reading through these comments for a while now and I’ve seen so many men belittling their wives, yet this women has had her comment censored. Some of the things permitted on this thread about women in general and not just about their wives is so discouraging and troubling to me. Many of the comments submitted by men don’t follow the comment guidelines.
You’re a typical women, you always bring it back to the man. Most men understand that a wife must put the children first to some degree. However, a wife should not expect a man to show her attention when he’s put dead last on her list. If my wife would just surprise me a few times a month by doing something just for me, I would bend over backwards to meet her needs. However, if she consistently puts the kids first and me last, why should I bother? Another issue is the bedroom. Women will do all sorts of things while dating and even the first few months of marriage, but they stop those things once they have kids. It’s true, most men want a classy woman outside of the bedroom, but they want their woman to be a little slutty in the bedroom. If your man tells you this isn’t true, he’s lying.
If a woman will show her man attention occasionally and give him what he wants in the bedroom, 99.99% of men will treat their wife like she’s a queen. You get what your put into it.
Selfish selfish, It’s just all about your needs. You DON’T LOVE YOUR CHILDREN.
Is it selfish for a man who works hard to make a living and support his family to want some attention from the woman he gave his life to? I’m separated right now for something that is my fault, but before our separation, I had not had sex with my wife for over 2 years. Not for lack of trying on my part, but she didn’t want it for some reason and whenever I brought it up she changed the subject. At that point, our children were grown and out of the house.
If you love your husband, you won’t put him last on your list of priorities. That goes for men, too. If you love your wife, don’t put her last on your list of priorities. Your spouse should come before your children. Your children do need you, but once they’re grown, you still have your spouse and once the foundation is there, that relationship has to be resting on the foundation you laid. If you laid a shaky foundation, your relationship will be shaky. If you laid a firm foundation, you’ll have a strong relationship.
Oh wow, it seems it is all about you and not your daughter. Your daughter needs to learn through your example what is a healthy happy marriage.