How does it make a man feel when his wife puts their children ahead of him? We posed that question to a group of men. Their most common answers are listed below:
1. Insignificant and disrespected
Most replied that they felt a deep lack of respect from not only their wives, but from their children. “Respect is important to a man, and he doesn’t feel that when the children consistently come first,” said one man.
2. Unloved
Most men, unlike most women, associate love with actions instead of with feelings. When a woman places her children above her husband, her actions say to him that she loves the children more than she loves him. Though not as vocal about it as women, men desire to be deeply loved by their wives. It is difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, but treat him in a cool or casual manner.
3. Lonely
One of the man’s greatest needs is companionship, and he usually expects to find this in his relationship with his wife. “As my wife pours more and more of her life into being a mother, she pours less and less of it into being my wife,” said one man. “The friend I once had in my wife is now a friend to our children, but a stranger to me.” The lonelier a man becomes, the more vulnerable he is to outside temptation. Is your husband lonely because of the time you spend with your children? Are you in any way making him more vulnerable to the attentions of other women?
Also, When Children Are Prioritized Ahead of a Husband, He Feels:
4. Unappreciated
Men appreciate being appreciated! Many men feel that their wives show greater appreciation to their children than they do to them. “If our daughter goes to a friend’s for the night, my wife misses her terribly,” said one husband. “When she comes home the next morning, my wife is ecstatic to see her and acts as if she’s been gone forever. I can be gone for days on a business trip, and my wife acts like I never left. Sometimes she even seems to resent my return home.” Does your husband know how important he is to you and how much you value him? Are you an appreciative wife?
5. Resentful and Angry
Though not a majority, some men stated that when their wives put their children first, they felt a sense of resentment and anger; some felt this way toward their children, others toward their wives. “My fifteen-year-old son walks through the door and my wife immediately asks abut his day or rubs his back if he’s tired. She pampers him constantly. I find myself resenting him, even though I know it isn’t his fault.” Is your husband frustrated or even jealous of your relationship with your children? Could it be that he feels left out or overlooked?
IDEAS ON THIS ISSUE OF CHILDREN AND THEIR PRIORITY:
Maybe you’re sensing that you need a major overhaul in this area, or perhaps just some fine-tuning. Regardless, here are some ideas to consider:
1. Think positive thoughts.
For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!
2. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Often this comes easily with our children, but is more difficult with our husbands. Grant him the same gracious generosity that you so readily give your kids.
3. Be spontaneous.
Surprise him once a week with a random act of kindness. One woman recently discovered that her husband liked a slushy drink from a local convenience store. She began buying them for him. “He loves it when I do this. It’s such a simple thing to do, and lets him know I’m thinking about him.”
4. Invest in his stock.
Share with your children things you admire about their father. This lets them see how important your marriage is to you. Though it’s been said dozens of times, the way Mom sees Dad is the greatest influencer of how the children see him. Do this with others as well. Many women excel at communicating their children’s strengths, but not their husband’s.
One woman pointed out that often friends will talk about their children in glowing terms, but when they talk about their husbands, they tend to talk about their weaknesses and inabilities. If you do this, stop! Commit to sharing with others only those things that build your husband up. Words are infectious and should be chosen wisely.
5. Make your bedroom a haven.
Too often this is the catchall room. Make an effort to keep it clean, organized, and inviting. One woman bought a small love seat and placed it in the master bedroom. This is where she and her husband spend a few moments together once they’ve gotten in the door at the end of the day. It shows their children that they value each other’s company as well. Burn a fragrant candle so that the room smells inviting and warm.
6. Cater to his quirks.
Many times we think our children’s quirks are cute but our husband’s are obnoxious. One woman discovered that her husband liked his sheets changed often, yet she preferred going longer between changings. “I fought this for years,” she said. “I thought he was being too obsessive. One day my daughter asked why I ignored her father’s request for clean sheets but always changed hers whenever she asked. I was shocked. This was something I didn’t even realize I was doing. I suddenly saw that I was not only dismissing one of my husband’s rare requests, but I was also modeling wrong priorities for my daughter.”
7. Check your attitude.
Said one woman, “I was stunned one night when my husband told me that he wished I had the same attitude toward him that I had toward the kids. From his perspective, I bent over backward for them. I ran all over town to find my daughter the right dress or my son the right tennis shoes. But he said that if he asked me to stop at the hardware store and pick up a gallon of paint, I balked.” Our attitudes speak volumes to our husbands.
8. Pray for your husband.
This tip could go in every chapter. There is nothing like prayer to soften your heart and sharpen your focus.
9. Reintroduce pet names into your relationship.
Refrain from calling him “Dad” or Daddy.” Choose instead to call him by a name that shows your love and high regard for him as a husband.
Your husband may or may not respond as you re-prioritize your relationships. It really isn’t an issue, though, if you are doing it to honor God. Certainly it’s nice for him to notice and appreciate your efforts, but it isn’t necessary. God notices.
This article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan for Marriage Still Works Today
Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
— ADDITIONALLY, CONCERNING CHILDREN & YOUR HUSBAND —
Here’s an article we recommend you read on this issue:
• FIND OUT WHY YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD COME FIRST
— PLUS —
We strongly recommend that you read the following linked article that is related, written by Gary Thomas:
• THE DANGER (TO OUR KIDS) OF A DISTANT MARRIAGE
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage For Married Women
I lost my wife over a year ago. In time this woman came into my life and helped me with my pain. I fell in love with her and married her. Now, she’s not the same person; she was in the beginning, her emotions shifted. She shows more love and is attentive towards her children. I try to show them love, but they’re all over her and she acts more like their friend than their mom. I just feel like I’m not part of the family. She opens and shares things with her kids and ALWAYS takes their side. I just feel lost, and now find myself thinking about my deceased wife. What can I do? I’m in so much pain again. She even stopped being intimate.
Sorry, please remember it was just her & her children before. Did you expect her to change? Not part of the family? Again, it has been just mom & children. She may be using you for income. Not the response you want. My suggestion? Live your own life; get a good time consuming hobby.
I agree with everything that’s said here. Well put together. My wife puts our kids over me. She said she prefers hurting me, not the kids. This makes my marriage under valued.
Yes, sadly this is very common, trying to sensibly talk to your wife about this makes it worse. You will be the bad person. It does not get any better when they move out; then grandchildren show up. I suggest to men to get a good time-consuming hobby, like golf, fishing, or get a big motorcycle, something you can enjoy by yourself or with other guys in the same boat.
Pray that God will heal my broken marriage and my wife (Sandy), hardened heart and stubborness. She has moved in with her very promiscuous daughter’s basement, chose her kids and new baby grandson over our marriage and threatens divorce, which is not in accord with Rev.22:18,19 and Eccl. 5:4-7. Pray that the Lord will send a messenger in her path to remind her of her vows, the consequences of divorce, and to reconcile this marriage in accordance with God’s perfect will.
Pray a hedge of thornbushes around Sandy, rebuking Satan and all who attempt to destroy our marriage. I’m trusting God for the miracle of Marriage Restoration by pleading the blood of Jesus over our covenant. “All things are possible with God.”
Find a good hobby, golf, fishing or a big motorcycle. Find some guy friends who have small children; they will be in the same boat as you.
This is for family not step parents.
That’s not so true. Step parents can be as good as parents, or even better in some cases.
My wife of four long years went back home for a month to deal with legal issues while I worked my butt off in my construction company. However while away she visited her adult children and grandchildren and apparently was overwhelmed by their love because she texts me saying she wasn’t coming home and that I am now a single man.
The bothersome issue is the fact that she left me without making love to me the night before and discussing this issue. That would have been a gentle calming let down… but she tossed me off of a cliff and ripped my heart into pieces as if I matter less than shit does. Urrrrrrrr
Sorry to hear that. I’m suspicious because she didn’t come home & ask you to move back there or even to a town closer. Does she communicate with ex & does he live in the town also?
Hello, any advice to my situation will be greatly appreciated. I’m a married wife of 2 years with a blended family. I have 1 son that is 19 yrs old and is already out on his own, and my husband has 1 daughter that’s 7, and 2 sons that are 13, and 14. I’ve never had an issue with his children as we get them every other weekend, but my husband makes a big issue out of mine coming to see me. When I met my husband my son lived at home with me. I was a single mom, for many years; it was only me and my son, and of course me and my son are very close. I would do anything for my son that any mother would do.
Well, after I got married the jealousy came out with my husband. He would go as far as getting mad if I cooked a meal for my son, or washed his clothes. There is much more I could list but wanna try to keep this short. I get called every name in the book when my son comes to visit me, and even get accused of wanting my kid for sex because I choose to let him come visit. He also wished death upon my son as well and that I cannot handle. I can’t stand this torture I get every time when it comes to my son. Please help me with this!
Tisha, this is very, very complicated and really can’t be answered in this type of format because it seems that you need to talk TO someone and get advice from them as they listen to you and you listen to them. I recommend that you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family. Their web site can be found at Focusonthefamily.com. They have counselors on staff that can give you some guidance. I wish I could say we do, but we don’t and I believe you need that one-on-one conversation with someone who can help you work through this family matter. I pray they can help you, or at least point you toward the help you need. You really need good, godly guidance. This has got to be difficult for you on so many levels.
Please know that my heart goes out to you and my prayers go out for you. I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, and works in and through you in this situation. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days within your home and marriage –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
Yes, I agree it’s complicated. Jealously is ugly. A man wants his woman to take care of him & vice-versa. Also sounds like he wants you to himself. In a normal marriage that’s OK, marriage is 2 becoming 1. But not to this extreme. Name calling, not good, wishing death, even worse, sounds like he needs counseling. What is his track record with women? Abusive?
About your son, he is 19, but be sure when he is 29 you are not washing his clothes.
The problem that your husband wants to block the son from you and wants only you is that means he loves you but worries that your son will override your love to him; that is why he is blocking it. It makes sense that you love your son more so this makes your husband frustrates, so he has an idea to block the son from you and will love you. But this frustrates you because you can’t connect to your son.
It makes sense because he sees it as the wife’s fault that affects the husband’s idea to make it easier which it will cause you to be frustrated because the new negativity to wife from husband. So, it breeds from previous problem so it creates new problem. So, you have to let him know and you make a vow that you will love your husband no matter what and will not love your son more than your husband. And in fact, it is wrong to love your children more than your husband as it shows on this website. The correct pattern is about co-loving, that you are willing to love husband, children and anything. Well, you can love your husband more because emotionally it is higher because of being “in-love;” that doesn’t mean love for children is less, like in-love is not important, it is better to have regular love.
Tell your husband I promise you that I will love you and will not ignore you like I don’t ignore my son. MY attention will also be on you. So, to love more means the attend his being fulfilled. As long as you give attention you love your husband and children more, but children sometimes have higher needs and they need more attention; and husband’s attention can take the hit for few hours until it gets bruised. When it get bruised, notice this and and heal it. Make your husband happy and make him feel appreciated, not just physically but also emotionally. This should help your husband not react hurtfully toward your son.
The problem is in the past with ex-wife so it feels like all wives are like that to their children – the wife will love children more than husband and break the vow of marriage. You say you will do anything for your son because that’s what mothers do; well, you also should say you will do anything for your husband because that is what wives do. I hope you will do anything for your husband. It is about balance so one supports the other, so can’t be singled out, as physical and emotional is separate like wife and husband are separate, that is wrong, so both must be like one.
I totally agree with this… I know for me, after having put in 12 hours at work… I come home, only to find my 10 yr old son & my 15 yr old daughter, in our room, laying on our bed. I have to walk past them, to my bathroom, take a shower, walk past them again, & go to the living room, if I want to watch t.v.
Wayne, I’m assuming that ‘mom’ is in the room also?
1. Don’t resent your children, it makes it worse,
2. Spend a few minutes with them as soon you get in the bedroom, talk about their day, or what ever they are doing at that moment.
3. ASK (not tell) them to hop out of the bedroom while you shower. Mom may leave too, but you have to be OK with that also. Again, resentment about mom leaving will make it worse. Remember that mom is VERY guarded & defensive about the children and usually will put them before her husband, even when they are grown & moved out.
My wife caters to our adult children who are in their early 20s. They are my step children so I feel handcuffed but expected to do all the things their biological dad doesn’t do. The level of disrespect, entitlement, lack of gratitude, appreciation and consideration is at times unbearable. My in-laws and siblings see it but feel it’s not their business to speak honestly about how disrespectful her children are. I have children of my own from a previous marriage who also resent the fact that these children act the way they do, since they know my wife would have plenty to say if they acted out in the same manner. There are days when I feel like I’m dealing with 5 and 6 year old children.
Our relationship is almost null and void of intimacy. We never go anywhere together because she’s afraid that her son will need something. He doesn’t work, spends all of her paycheck and then I take the blame for all of it. No matter what I do it’s never enough and when I try to point out the harm she’s doing I’m the bad guy. It’s quickly becoming a no win situation and I wonder if my wife married me out of love or as an ATM machine for her children. I feel subhuman, lost, and very depressed.
You REALLY need to talk to a marriage-friendly counselor who is trained to help couples deal with grown step children. Your wife may not reach out, but I GREATLY encourage you to reach out and get help yourself. And eventually, your wife may see the wisdom in reaching out too. I recommend you go to the ministry of Focus on the Family at http://focusonthefamily.com, at locate their contact info and start things rolling there. They have trained counselors on staff and they can direct you to someone who could help you –particularly someone in your area of the U.S. or by meeting with them on the phone or through Skype.
Please do this. You can’t keep going as you are, and this thing may very well still be solvable. I’ve seen worse completely turn around with the right counsel, and doing what the counselor recommends. I hope and pray so for your sake, your wife’s sake (because she’s going in a very unhealthy direction), and her son’s sake (he is living under the disillusionment of being “entitled” which is absolutely unhealthy in so many ways).
Joseph, now a days some children feel like they are entitled to whatever, without any responsibility, especially if they are from a wealthy home or have wealthy friends. Sorry to say this, but something about moms & their sons. They will throw caution to the wind for their son, even when they are grown. You try to come between those 2 and you will be the bad person. Try to cut him off on $$$, you will be even less. Cindy Wright has the BEST advice for you 2. But your wife must be willing and see it as you do.
Guy, At least they are not your kids. My wife hijacked the whole family over time to her with her constant babying and enabling. I wanted a normal life more than anything, and she took that from me also. I am a bad guy because of her family baggage and believe it or not baggage from high school. We are in our 50’s for Gods sake. Do all the work, put up with all the B.S and treat her like a queen or else. Really just what every guy wants.
Man do I fall under every category except I’m the step parent. I don’t have my own kids. I am the lone provider and I feel like a slave or like I’m a joke. The kids talk to me just like my wife and she does nothing. I don’t want the kids in our room; a parents room is off limits, right? Well except when invited in or allowed. As soon as I leave my wife lets her son who is almost 8 and she treats like a baby. It drives me nuts not to mention her rude 16 year old. What do I do?
Thank you that was very helpful.
Great words of advice. I feel my husband is never there for me; he does not contribute to me and our 3 kids. He told me just last night our sex life is not there you put the kids before me. I was shocked I told him I hate to choose between you and kids. You never help me so I spend time with you. My marriage is failing. I feel the need to move out. I love our kids but I don’t like when he resents our kids.
You did not say how old the children are. Remember you are a parent to your children, not a servant. Most wives do put the children before the spouse, that causes resentment, it is a endless cycle. We as spouses, we are to be joined with our spouse, not children.
Firstly, I have read a lot of these comments, many are insightful and well constructed written with a clearly open mind. Others seem to take their own personal situation and turn it to a blanket statement about the entire opposite sex.
My situation is not completely different than some others here! Two young children, 3 and 8 months. Life is, needless to say, very busy. My wife is a fantastic mother. Both of our children are demanding (they seem to fit the descriptions of “high need baby” when I have read up on them). My wife puts the kids before herself and is running herself exhausted. She is currently on maternity leave and will be returning to work soon, although she wishes she didn’t have to.
I’m feeling much the same as many of the men here. I work long days. I get up early with the baby in the morning to try and let my wife who breast feeds and is up far too much through the night get an extra hour of sleep before I have to go to work. If toddler gets up through the night, that is my responsibility. Some nights he is up multiple times, other nights he will sleep through. I’ve stated that I would get up with the baby, but my wife can’t pump enough milk for a bottle and she doesn’t believe in formula. This leaves me unable to assist in this area.
My typical day is as follows, up at 5-530 with the baby, usually toddler will wake up during this time so I get him, make him some breakfast, admittedly I’ll put the tv on and let him eat it in front of the tv because the cartoons help to keep him quieter and make it easier to handle having the baby and getting myself ready for work. I then go to work for the day, get home at dinner time. Sometimes I’ll BBQ or bring something home, but majority of the time my wife has made a great, healthy dinner. We eat in a rush, barely able to talk to each other without a crying baby or an interrupting toddler.
After dinner, wife and baby are up to bed around 6:30. I get toddler ready for bed, shower, pjs, teeth brushed, bedtime stories and then I go downstairs. Occasionally I’ll see my wife for 20 minutes before she retires to the bedroom for the night, but often by the time I’m done with toddler, wife has already come and gone and I’ll have a text or a note to say “I’m exhausted, going to bed. Love you xo”.
This is when I will usually run to the grocery store, fill our vehicles with gas, cut the grass, do the dishes (we have a dishwasher, but our hydro bills are insane so I do them in the sink more often than not). Typically I finally stop around 10-11pm. At this point upstairs is quiet, and heaven forbid I wake up my wife or the baby, so I generally sleep downstairs. I have intentions of watching some Netflix, or playing a game but more than 50% of the time I just fall asleep knowing that in a few short hours I will be up with the baby.
The funny thing is, I don’t mind any of this. I see all that my wife does, and I say wholeheartedly, right now, her job is far more demanding than mine and I couldn’t do it to the standard she does it every single day. Where I struggle is, I honestly feel like I’m doing all I can to make her, and our children’s lives easier. Yet, I don’t get that positive reinforcement. Instead, I get a business like to-do list, or corrective comments if I have done something that wasn’t right or up to her standard. This isn’t done with ill intent (at least I truly believe it isn’t), but it still hurts. When I have brought up my feelings, they’re met with the same answer – I’m just exhausted and sleep deprived. At this point the conversation switches to how hard she has it and I don’t want, or feel the need to get into the competition of who does more or who has it harder.
The fact is, I’m busy in my own, albeit different way, and I’m constantly leaving her thoughtful love notes, bringing home flowers, trying to show physical affection (hugs, kisses foot rubs etc) but I rarely if ever get any of these things in return. She’ll show her thoughtfulness in other small ways, ie: bringing me a beer if I’m outside doing something but often, there is a lack of affection and emotional support from her.
She invests all of her emotion in the kids, and she spends a great deal of time complaining about how hard things are. They’re absolutely hard right now, no denying that, but I feel helpless whenever she complains because there’s nothing to say. The situation we’re in isn’t fixable, or the solutions are things that she wouldn’t like (ie: if she doesn’t want to go back to work, we could move to a less affluent neighbourhood and cut back on some other expenses like private school for the toddler).
I try to remind myself every day that this situation is temporary. Kids change fast and the problems of today will morph into new, different struggles tomorrow. I simply worry that the negativity surrounding our current situation will lead to a pattern of behavior towards each other and a lifestyle/relationship that I don’t want with my wife. I don’t feel respected and appreciated, although I’m not directly disrespected, I’m criticized and “corrected” far more than I’m recognized and appreciated. It’s wearing on me.
I’m not entirely sure what to do about this since it appears that conveying my feelings to my wife don’t have the desired response. Perhaps I have to just suck it up and realize that this is a relatively short time period in our lives, but I don’t want to leave it unaddressed only to find that when the kids are older, the wife is unhappy about different problems and a new set of circumstances that will still leave me being nowhere near the top of her priority list. Thoughts? J
I wish my wife would read this. If I point her in the direction of anything like this I am a “selfish jerk” and don’t put the kids first. Probably be divorced by the time she figures it out.
Don’t I know it. I met my wife, things were great! We had our first child, and Bam! I feel like I don’t exist anymore. My wife used to look at me and ask me, “what’s wrong, I can tell something is bothering you, or you’re upset about something.” She cared. Now I’m always being called by my first and middle name. She walks around the house with her voice recorder, and when I get fed up and angry she threatens to send the recordings to my mother, or put them on Facebook. Same goes for when I discipline my kids. “Stop hitting them!”, it’s actually called spanking them.
The way she was raised, and the way I was raised are polar opposites. She wakes up crabby, even tells me she’s got to go because she’s too busy with the kids when I call on my lunch break to see how everyone is doing.
I’m totally convinced the reason for her acting like this is because of postpartum depression, but don’t some women have it, and still act civil to their husbands? She doesn’t understand that if we don’t deal with each other now, we’re setting ourselves up for failure in the future. What happens when the kids are grown, and it’s just her and I? I don’t know about anyone else, but living life like this sucks.
I am a Christian, and I know I’m called to love my wife like Christ loved the Church, but even He doesn’t forgive blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. She doesn’t want to invest in the marrage, only the kids. What will she do when the kids are grown, and moved out and she only has me? Isn’t marriage supposed to be a reflection of Christ and the Church? I’m seriously needing help. She claims to be Christian also…but apparently only keeps her faith in the Physical Church building. Not sure how much I can’t take.
“”and still act civil to their husbands?”” sorry but no, time for a hobby, a big motorcycle, golf,
I could be the poster boy for this article. I’ve been married for 7 years now, have 3 daughters, a cranky, dispondent, sleeps with the kids in there room (for the last 6 years) calls and texts my mother when I have an alternate opinion or disagreement, you never give me money, your room’s a mess, nobody likes you, you’re not a Christian, you’re going to hell, don’t touch me, always on the phone, ungrateful, unthankful, unapologetic, lip smacking, …I could go on… Wife.
She invests all her time and energy in the kids, and 0% in our marriage. She always tells me to “get out of here” or “take a picture” and “prepare,” when she’s extremely upset with me. Threats definitely.
She claims to be a Born again Christian, but doesn’t care to apply the tenants of her faith to our marriage. But is the first one to tell me how wrong I am whenever given the opportunity, even in discussions about work. She doesn’t understand that the kids will eventually grow up, and move out, then it’s just her and I. Then what…I can’t talk to her because she just gets upset and yells… what do I need to do to get through to her??
Patience, it is time for a good time consuming hobby like golf or a project of restoring a car.