How does it make a man feel when his wife puts their children ahead of him? We posed that question to a group of men. Their most common answers are listed below:
1. Insignificant and disrespected
Most replied that they felt a deep lack of respect from not only their wives, but from their children. “Respect is important to a man, and he doesn’t feel that when the children consistently come first,” said one man.
2. Unloved
Most men, unlike most women, associate love with actions instead of with feelings. When a woman places her children above her husband, her actions say to him that she loves the children more than she loves him. Though not as vocal about it as women, men desire to be deeply loved by their wives. It is difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, but treat him in a cool or casual manner.
3. Lonely
One of the man’s greatest needs is companionship, and he usually expects to find this in his relationship with his wife. “As my wife pours more and more of her life into being a mother, she pours less and less of it into being my wife,” said one man. “The friend I once had in my wife is now a friend to our children, but a stranger to me.” The lonelier a man becomes, the more vulnerable he is to outside temptation. Is your husband lonely because of the time you spend with your children? Are you in any way making him more vulnerable to the attentions of other women?
Also, When Children Are Prioritized Ahead of a Husband, He Feels:
4. Unappreciated
Men appreciate being appreciated! Many men feel that their wives show greater appreciation to their children than they do to them. “If our daughter goes to a friend’s for the night, my wife misses her terribly,” said one husband. “When she comes home the next morning, my wife is ecstatic to see her and acts as if she’s been gone forever. I can be gone for days on a business trip, and my wife acts like I never left. Sometimes she even seems to resent my return home.” Does your husband know how important he is to you and how much you value him? Are you an appreciative wife?
5. Resentful and Angry
Though not a majority, some men stated that when their wives put their children first, they felt a sense of resentment and anger; some felt this way toward their children, others toward their wives. “My fifteen-year-old son walks through the door and my wife immediately asks abut his day or rubs his back if he’s tired. She pampers him constantly. I find myself resenting him, even though I know it isn’t his fault.” Is your husband frustrated or even jealous of your relationship with your children? Could it be that he feels left out or overlooked?
IDEAS ON THIS ISSUE OF CHILDREN AND THEIR PRIORITY:
Maybe you’re sensing that you need a major overhaul in this area, or perhaps just some fine-tuning. Regardless, here are some ideas to consider:
1. Think positive thoughts.
For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!
2. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Often this comes easily with our children, but is more difficult with our husbands. Grant him the same gracious generosity that you so readily give your kids.
3. Be spontaneous.
Surprise him once a week with a random act of kindness. One woman recently discovered that her husband liked a slushy drink from a local convenience store. She began buying them for him. “He loves it when I do this. It’s such a simple thing to do, and lets him know I’m thinking about him.”
4. Invest in his stock.
Share with your children things you admire about their father. This lets them see how important your marriage is to you. Though it’s been said dozens of times, the way Mom sees Dad is the greatest influencer of how the children see him. Do this with others as well. Many women excel at communicating their children’s strengths, but not their husband’s.
One woman pointed out that often friends will talk about their children in glowing terms, but when they talk about their husbands, they tend to talk about their weaknesses and inabilities. If you do this, stop! Commit to sharing with others only those things that build your husband up. Words are infectious and should be chosen wisely.
5. Make your bedroom a haven.
Too often this is the catchall room. Make an effort to keep it clean, organized, and inviting. One woman bought a small love seat and placed it in the master bedroom. This is where she and her husband spend a few moments together once they’ve gotten in the door at the end of the day. It shows their children that they value each other’s company as well. Burn a fragrant candle so that the room smells inviting and warm.
6. Cater to his quirks.
Many times we think our children’s quirks are cute but our husband’s are obnoxious. One woman discovered that her husband liked his sheets changed often, yet she preferred going longer between changings. “I fought this for years,” she said. “I thought he was being too obsessive. One day my daughter asked why I ignored her father’s request for clean sheets but always changed hers whenever she asked. I was shocked. This was something I didn’t even realize I was doing. I suddenly saw that I was not only dismissing one of my husband’s rare requests, but I was also modeling wrong priorities for my daughter.”
7. Check your attitude.
Said one woman, “I was stunned one night when my husband told me that he wished I had the same attitude toward him that I had toward the kids. From his perspective, I bent over backward for them. I ran all over town to find my daughter the right dress or my son the right tennis shoes. But he said that if he asked me to stop at the hardware store and pick up a gallon of paint, I balked.” Our attitudes speak volumes to our husbands.
8. Pray for your husband.
This tip could go in every chapter. There is nothing like prayer to soften your heart and sharpen your focus.
9. Reintroduce pet names into your relationship.
Refrain from calling him “Dad” or Daddy.” Choose instead to call him by a name that shows your love and high regard for him as a husband.
Your husband may or may not respond as you re-prioritize your relationships. It really isn’t an issue, though, if you are doing it to honor God. Certainly it’s nice for him to notice and appreciate your efforts, but it isn’t necessary. God notices.
This article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan for Marriage Still Works Today
Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
— ADDITIONALLY, CONCERNING CHILDREN & YOUR HUSBAND —
Here’s an article we recommend you read on this issue:
• FIND OUT WHY YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD COME FIRST
— PLUS —
We strongly recommend that you read the following linked article that is related, written by Gary Thomas:
• THE DANGER (TO OUR KIDS) OF A DISTANT MARRIAGE
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage For Married Women
Change “man” to woman and “husband” to wife and that’s the life I’m living, or barely existing in. My husband spends all of his free time with our kids, barely talks to me when he comes home and gets defensive if I bring it up in conversation.
Our marriage has been very rocky for the past two years, we’ve seen counselors, secular and religious, but nothing changes. I’m a stay at home mom right now
and I feel pretty much useless. I also stayed home when the kids were infants and this was the same situation. I feel hopeless most days. I clean the house, cook, do laundry, make snacks when the kids get home, help them with homework, and have zero energy for much else at the end of the day.
Intimacy has been a huge problem, and despite my physical and emotional issues that make this difficult for me I’ve agreed to sex once a week because my husband becomes angry and irrational if I don’t give in to him. It doesn’t matter if I’m depressed, sickly, or tired. I don’t even feel human anymore and I wonder how much longer I can survive in this marriage.
Dearest Kay; Currently my husband and I have three young children; twin toddler boys: the saying ‘keep your head in the game’ is like having two heads playing two different games with twins. It is madness!! So I completely understand the tired beyond capacity, when your head hits the pancake pillow it is instant coma!!
Lately I also feel my husband’ frustrations because the boys are having croup; so we REALLY aren’t sleeping. I have a vision in my head of laying with Jesus, just sleeping. Funny, day-dreaming about sleeping!! Something sparked me when I read your passage…about physical affection. Last night admittedly we had a quickie while our one boy was screaming at the locked bedroom door.
I don’t discuss these things with people openly; but since this is anonymous I can. Kay; sex is important, for both parties. Agreeing to once a week is like saying I will attempt to enjoy this. This is the only man on the face of the Earth you are physical with, spice it up…find the energy!! Get the kids to help with chores, go on date nights- rent a hotel room for a night. Get dressed up, feel sexy, touch the husband more even if it’s just a hug. Say ‘I love you’ all the time!!!
Something I recognized in myself is I crave attention. I’m not sure if this is you!? When my husband wouldn’t text me during the day I would be upset that I was ignored. Silly really!! He’s busy at work. Soon I realized instead of craving attention from others I should seek it for myself. Going for walks, reading, painting or even doing my nails!! You may feel like you’re in a rut; but you CAN get out!!! Have faith and think of new things to aspire to change.
Kay; I’m sure you’re a beautiful woman, still vivacious and full of life!! The work you do around the home is greatly appreciated and admired!! Don’t feel down, instead feel invigorated!! Much luck to you and many blessings to your family Xoo
So what happens when the man does NOTHING for the kids. The mom does it all. The man lays down and takes naps and doesn’t care that the Mom is tired and sick. I have twins, a new puppy, 3 cts and a big house. He works 2 really long days and is home the rest of week sitting while mom is running ragged! Maybe we’ll put him before kids if he will put me before himself. Sorry but kids come first. I am not laying down to cuddle when I am have (2) 3 yr olds running amuck upstairs.
No no no… You see… Many men do nothing when then come home because they work ten times harder than their wives ever will during the day.
That’s funny Matthew, that you think you can throw every man’s work and every woman’s work into the same comparison barrel. My husband used to think that too for a long time. But then I was gone for a few days and he had our young sons all to himself to take care of, along with all of the other things I would do in the course of a day. When I came home to our (messy) house and walked in the door, he picked me up and swung me around, celebrating the fact that I was home. When he unraveled the events of the past few days he said with all seriousness, “I never realized all that you did and had to put up with. I’m SO glad you’re home. I wouldn’t have your job for all the money in the world.” He went to “work” with a whole new enthusiasm after that and was so much more appreciative, and less complaining after that. I thank God he had the opportunity to experience a little glimpse into our home life when he wasn’t home.
It’s not that I think his job is easy and that he doesn’t deserve appreciation too –he sure does (and I make sure I tell him regularly that I appreciate him), but was nice for him to see the other side too. Trying to explain that to him wasn’t as effective as him living through it. It’s really not good to criticize when you don’t have all the facts. Even when one spouse has a hard labor job and the other has a job that is more emotionally taxing, it’s like comparing apples and oranges. They both have their credibility. I hope someday that you see that.
Well I hope you see that Matt was rebutting Leahs ridiculous claim! But I bet you don’t see fault in women at all. This is why men rule the world now and always!
Try what was stated above. The situation might change for the better. You may see your husband more willing to do anything for you. Since you feel that your case is so bad, there is nothing to lose. He is your husband anyway.
I hope I can shed some “light” on the subject here. Let’s start out by letting you know that I’m the wife. My husband and I have been married 7 years. I don’t believe that there is a more caring, loving, man around after meeting him. His love towards me is immeasurable. He never had or wanted the responsibility of children. I however have six.
We were alone our first five years of marriage. I was the apple of his eye and he was the apple of my eye. We did everything together. The things about him that made him the apple of my eye are: he’s passionate about everything he does which usually makes him the best in the crowd, he has great integrity, he loves God more than anyone I’ve known, plus he’s very good looking and sexy. But I never gave it a second thought as to why he never wanted kids. We were in our mid 40’s when we got married, so I had no intentions of having any more.
When we hit our 6th and 7th year of marriage, we moved back to the town where my kids were living with their father because they asked us to. The youngest was 16 and was having a hard time dealing with her father. So it was my husband’s idea to move back near them and get custody of the last one living at home. I also wanted custody but I wanted her to move to us. We both thought we could handle it, especially because the love we shared was so unique to what we saw in the world.
We had no idea what would happen when a granddaughter (of one of my other children) would be thrown into the mix. He started to kind of try to control my feelings towards my granddaughter. He would tell me, in a demanding way, how to deal with things that I felt were beyond my control (we had her more than I would consider normal, sometimes 2 weeks at a time). And when I couldn’t find it in my heart to push her aside his actions disappointed me. He made it obvious to everyone involved that he didn’t want her around. Do you see what happened here? “His actions disappointed me.”
That is what caused him to no longer be the apple of my eye. It wasn’t that I was choosing her over him. The loving kindness I showed him in the first five years now sometimes has to be forced. He’s asking me to be someone I’m not. He’s asking me not to have motherly instincts. It’s those very instincts that made me a loving wife, a good mother, grandmother… or whatever has those feelings inside and it’s impossible to just turn them off.
I would compare this to me trying to tell him how to manage his people at work in order for him to be able to spend more time at home. I can’t do that… he wouldn’t be a man. I have to say, things are not going well here for me. I hope that I can be quiet and patient with my husband, because I DO love him and long for the closeness that we once shared. It was awesome…everything about it was.
What I would suggest to men out there in this situation is to look at what your wife is doing and really admire what you see. Share in the joy without faking it. Love your children of stepchildren like she does. She’ll see this in you and desire you more than ever before.
Patty, a man wants his wife to hmself. that is normal thing of life. Remember, Bible says for a man to LEAVE his mother and father & be joined to his wife. In other words, children leave home so parents can enjoy their lives together. And the wife to be submissive to the husband, not the children. Your husband decided not to have children to have and enjoy his own life. Which is OK. But, he has to know that he agreed to move back & allow your 16 yr old move in. He is a good guy to agree to that, most would have not.
About the grandchild, that is tougher, a much larger invasion of your privacy & time together. Again, he wants his own life with you, which is fine. You need to encourage the parents of the grandchild to be responsible & use birth control before another one arrives…
I just met my son, whom I adopted out when I was 16. He is beautiful and became my focus. We both don’t ever want to be without each other again. We met in 2012. Yes, we both became a little obsessive; he unfortunately lost his job recently and decided to uproot his life and come to where I and his other biological family live. It has been just myself and my husband since his son has moved out. Bliss really, and yes everything has been in agreement of whatever my husband wanted to do. I was told I was very submissive.
Well I’m 50 years old now, been thru some health issues, and finally became tired of him deciding what is best and whatever he wants to spend our money on, while our home is in shambles, besides, what I’ve done to improve within budget. So my son, whom I’m attempting to get to know and we’re needing our bonding, I want to stay with us for a small while (my husband said no more than two weeks) to get on his feet and find a job. He’s so jealous and upset. I get these feelings; I feel bad for him, tho at the same time REALLY? After two days he’s pitching a fit! Every little thing he yells at this young man for, who has no where to go, and put his heart out on his sleeve, and left his city. I do really need to handle this very delicately and I haven’t. Help.
We have a single daughter, now 6. Before marriage, my wife was a bit of a social butterfly, but over the years, she became more of a home body like me (I enjoy just being at home with my wife and family).
These last two years my wife has become obsessed with ‘socializing’ our daughter. She says she doesn’t want her to become ‘insular like us’. She’s been signing her up for every activity possible and arranging as many play dates as possible and taking every and any excuse to take her out. It’s now gotten to the point they’re literally out every single day and night of the week, driving around from one thing to another and they often don’t get home till well after dark and my daughter has fallen asleep in the back of the car (and my wife is irritable and totally exhausted herself).
She chose a school 45 minutes drive from our home (and nowhere near my work) because she wanted her to mix with the ‘right sort of people’ and on different days takes her to sports and choir before school and drama, ballet, sports and girl guides after school, which are all located in different parts of town. The odd day when something isn’t on, she’ll take her to play in parks or arrange play dates with other moms (again, near her school and no where near our home). Weekends are full too and she has even started taking her on camping holidays to the beach over weekends, so sometimes I don’t see them at all for days.
I’ve taken over pretty much all the household chores -she says she’s too busy and never at home to clean up -but they certainly make a terrible mess when they’re at home. Cleaning up their mess on my weekends takes a lot of time and has really been getting me down.
And all this living out and activities costs a lot of money. I found she was hiding large credit card bills at the end of last year. We had a talk, she said she’d wind this back, cut back on all this, but 6 months later and it’s worst than ever, she’s again well overspending the budget each month.
We’ve continued to have long talks for a while now, but wife is totally unrepentant. She sees what she’s doing with our daughter literally as her job and tells me we’ll just have to wear the cost financially and to our relationship.
The final straw for me is the last few months she’s added rekindling her own social life to her list, but taking the time from the few odd days of the month spare that she had for us as a couple. It started with spending more and more time on Facebook. Then she started getting invites to parties and outings from other mum’s she’s met. She’s also since become obsessed with her appearance, splashing out on new clothes, going to the gym, make up and nails. All this would be great, but it’s not for me, as I hardly see her. She’s even started buying and wearing lingerie, but she wears it out under her clothes when out, never to bed for me. The only bonus is I get to baby sit and spend more time with our daughter on those odd nights or days when she’s out.
(I know that last bit sounds really suspicious, but I’m certain she hasn’t been having an affair. Yes, I’ve pried into her accounts and phone to reassure myself and I frankly don’t see how she’d have the time given all the time she spends with our daughter.)
I know every one of those feelings listed in the article and I’m feeling a few of them right now. It’s Saturday morning, she’s taken our daughter to morning dance class. I know they won’t be back until late afternoon. Then they’re off straight after with grandma to a concert.
It’s not all bad, I don’t think my marriage is over, we’re still talking honestly, still stealing moments of physical intimacy together (usually late at night). I guess I wrote all this to get it off my chest because as I guy, you don’t talk to other guys at work about this sort of thing. My wife is the one person I shared this sort of personal stuff with and she’s simply not there for most of the time and dismissive when she is. It’s hard knowing she’s willing to sacrifice us for what she thinks her daughter needs. Anyway, thanks for listening
You really need to go to counseling. My first advice to you would be to try and get involved in some of those activities with your wife and daughter. If she shuns you, it should raise a red flag. In my experience with my ex, I learned that there was a deeper seeded longing to be accepted because she didn’t feel good about herself as a result of abuse.
It’s not always the case, but it’s a pretty good sign when the lifestyle changes and there’s a longing for more socializing, secret spending, gym time, etc. My ex starting cheating for about six months, which I didn’t find out about until 7 years later when we were divorcing because of an inappropriate relationship and likely cheating again at that time.
I’m not trying to be Debbie Downer but don’t be a fool. You can’t stop someone from doing things they want to do and if you try they see it as controlling. All you can do is plan ahead for the worst and pray, pray, pray. It sounds like your wife is trying to fill a void in her life. None of those things she is currently doing will do that but she’ll have to figure that out on her own. If she strays and won’t repent, you will need to let her go. Some of those behaviors resemble manic behavior. I watched those things unfurl in front of my very eyes. The worst, even more than the cheating, is the overspending. It can put you in financial trouble well after a marriage is disolved.
Fred! Omg you just spoke all the words in my heart I’ve been dying to spill to someone. She’s always taking Liam, my 3 yr old, on the craziest classes and trips. Besides the crazy money for all the classes, which is still okay, the worst part is that she comes home exhausted and acts like it’s my fault and I owe her extra. I work 5-9 and train twice a day because I’m also a professional athlete. So since I don’t have time I have a maid and a nanny for her, and yet she talks to me all angry always but when it comes to Liam, whom I love more than life, you know, as a father.
I didn’t want kids but now that she has one so she wouldn’t fall behind her peers, she acts like it’s my fault she’s tired! And well, I have just been chatting with my old girl friends (never anything physical) because I just feel so alone, she barely cares about me anymore …also she never lets me decide on how to discipline him and made excuses for him, and now he doesn’t listen to anything we say, and hard to take him out because he just doesn’t know boundaries.
Vinnie, the good news is your son is only 3 years old, so it’s not too late to reverse the behavioral patterns. One program that has helped thousands of parents and has worked marvelously is “Raising Kids God’s Way.” This program is usually taught in churches on a fairly regular basis. You and your wife are going to need to find a counselor who can help you deal with the issues that have created so much conflict in your relationship – Liam is just one of many.
The other BIG problem YOU have to deal with is the chatting with old girlfriends. There are few things that can destroy a marriage faster than doing this. Remember this: Don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not. For the sake of your son whom you say “I love more than life,” find solutions to your marriage issues. If you take care of the marriage you will take care of a lot of the parenting issues, too.
As an athlete you know that winning comes because of hard work, dedication and training. The same is true in marriage, Vinnie. I believe you want to be a winner both in marriage and parenting. Blessings! ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
I need some advice. My wife & I are celebrating our first year anniversary. The first three months of it, I was unfaithful & committed adultery. A lot of things that I’ve done before we were together carried into our relationship, then marriage. I’ve asked for forgiveness time after time, and I’ve changed my lifestyle since that happened. She says that she is a mother first, then a wife, because of my betrayal towards her. I apologized countless of times & I hope she can truly forgive me one day soon, so we can make our marriage a healthy one. Any advice for me?
Mother first? I guess you to have a child, you didn’t state. You know this, an affair only lasts a few minutes but causes years of damage. Your best thing to do is to ALWAYS be accountable, where you are, who you talk to, have 0 contact with other women, limit your drinking, control your anger, you may say something that you will regret. Try to start over, maybe quit asking for forgiveness, just show her you will faithful with your mind & body.
Interesting article. My wife of 35 years would likely be hurt and deeply offended at the suggestions you gave in the article. Is this a common problem in married Christian couples? What in the world is the cause for this to develop? Interesting stories below…I guess I’m not the only one. Well I love the Lord, do you think I should just let this thing go and get along with the unemployed, unappreciative able bodied son on welfare and his mother=my wife? And ignore the cold shoulder?
Guys need a bit of connection from thier wife, my wife is in a very nice way a Grandmother with a capital G.
My wife gave up her boy 41 years ago and now they been talking to him instead messaging. She doesn’t want me to read or see what there talking about. What should I? Do I support her or see what’s happening?
I can agree and experience all 5 points listed first. To a man; his pride, joy & his strength is his woman. He leaves his mother & father & joins or becomes 1 with her. But when children come along, she joins or becomes 1 with the children, not with the man. That starts the endless cycle. When the children move out, the man feels like he may get his woman back, then grandchildren come along. It’s all over. The man disconnects himself from the family because he feels like he is not the ‘head’ of the family anymore.
I guess the best thing to do is show your wife what attention she will let you, do not disconnect too far, the children will eventually grow up, you will have a brief connection time, then grandchildren will be born. Find a good hobby that you can do with other guys, golf, cycling, or buy a big motorcycle. Motorcycle is pretty good. It’s something you and your wife can do together when you climb your way up to 3rd or 4th on her list. And when you fall back to 10th you can do by yourself or with your buddies.
My marriage is not bad, I read the other comments & see this. My wife is a good woman, we still have date nights, sex a few times a month. I see this in almost every family at different degrees. It just happens. Finally, ladies, move your man higher on your list. The Bible says to be joined with him, not your children. Men, keep your eyes & thoughts off of other women… bring your wife flowers… they will go a long way!!
The Bible does not require a wife to even love her husband, it only requires her to respect him. Ephesians Chapter 5.
Children should always come first. Always – for they are the next generation. If I was made to choose between the loss my children or my husband, I’d pick my children every single time for they’re the new generation to carry on legacy and life.
Both men and women are people with feelings, wants and needs and both sexes have familial obligations. However, women not only work full time, but they work full time at home. Men DO NOT WORK FULL TIME AT HOME. I work 55+ hours a week and support a family of 4 with a stay at home husband. As soon as I get home, it’s me the kids hit up for food, homework help, etc. They don’t go to their father nor does he get up off his duff to offer assistance. If I ask, I’m the nag. I stay married only because children of divorce do not fair well. As soon as they’re grown and out of the house, I’m gone. I know many, many women that feel the same way.
I’m sure it happens, but it’s rare to see men assist their wives with the kids and household chores. Before all of the sputtering of but…but… I fix the cars, I do repairs…!!! Fixing a car or household repairs don’t happen daily and may only happen a few times a year if at all and most of the time, people hire mechanics or handymen to do these jobs. That is in no way comparable. Cooking, cleaning and child-rearing are a daily occurrence that men very seldom assist with. As a result, a lot women become very resentful at times. Children are also exhausting -physically and mentally. Women burn the candle at both ends when they have children and having to soothe the ego of a self sufficient, grown adult is irritating.
Men seem to think that women are pampered, couch lounging, bon bon eating princesses. Are you kidding? Women do most of the world’s unpaid labor in and out of the home. And with more women working than not, we’re punching in at home as well as work with absolutely zero time to ourselves.
If men want the sole focus of their wives, agree to not have children. I’ve never met a woman that didn’t love their children more than their husband. If God didn’t intend almost all women to feel that way, God should have corrected that “flaw” in our natures. Otherwise, couples should contribute equally when they are home together to household chores and child-rearing. Couples who cooperate, stay together -a “traditional Christian marriage” doesn’t protect you from divorce, nor does it ensure happiness. You make your own happiness.
WOW! I’m sure glad that I’m not married to someone like you, and I would imagine that most any man would feel the same way. Basically, what I see in your comment is that you view men as basically breeding monkey’s and once they make their deposit, the wedding vows are thrown out the window, the husband loses their value, and the children become the center of attention of the home. And once the children are gone, so is their mother… some legacy!
As far as husbands being as lazy as you indicate. We must go around in different circles. I see some of that, but not like you indicate. I see a lot of great husbands and fathers. I love my husband AND I love my children (they’re now grown)… the love is different for them. I don’t love one child more than another, just differently. The same goes for my husband who WAS/IS an involved father (as is my son who has 2 children). I love him differently than I love my grown sons and grandchildren.
And as far as God correcting that “flaw” (of wives loving their children more than their husbands), where is it written that God reprograms us to do what is right? We WORK on our character, and continually look to the Lord for the help and empowerment to do what we should. We aren’t robots, and we certainly don’t come out of the womb all clean from leaning towards selfism. “There is none righteous, no not one…”
Yes I agree with you 100%.
I see a woman who is exhausted and resentful, nothing more. She didn’t deserve your harshness.
Gnu5, you are quoting the Bible, respect your husband, but not love him? OK, please check the definition of respect “a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, important” (Webster). Also the Bible does not state: Children should always come first. It just talks about raising & correction. I’m sorry your husband sits around on his ‘duff’. Don’t hate other men for his actions. Maybe you should respect him as the above definition. You may see a NEW MAN!!
You are the typical modern day woman. If you come home and your kids are alive and the house didn’t burn down, then your husband did his job. (You can hire a daycare to do this too, so he saved the family $400/wk.) He sits around because he already knows he’s not getting any positive attention from you, smart guy in my opinion. He deserves better and I hope he realizes this sooner than later.
Reminds me of the Pharasee and the publican in Luke 18:14. “I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted. The bible also says to consider others beter than yourself
Think you’re smarter than God and choose to stand in His place and tell Him what He should have corrected….the Lord rebuke you.”
BTW.. God did correct that “flaw” in your nature. Evidently you haven’t accepted that. He sent His one and only Son to do what we couldn’t do. God loved you so much that He put his ONLY son on the cross for you. Sounds like He put you ahead of His son. That’s love. And when you understand that example for your children, that’s when the healing begins. So, you walked down an isle with a man that you now want to divorce as soon as children are out of the picture. Sad…for both of you. Imagine if your son marries a woman like his mother. Have fun trying to decide when you get to visit your grandchildren. Judges don’t much consider visitation with grandparents.
First off, you are SuperWoman. Secondly, I hope you aren’t checking this site anymore because your comment is well written and hits the nail on the head, and you are going to step on some nerves in a huge way, which will be reflected in the replies to your comment.
My situation is different from yours. My husband works and I stay home, but his work pulls him away for odd hours, so I’m a single mom most of the time, and as you know, the work never ends. I go to bed late, wake up with the kids several times a night, and wake up early. It would take at least 4 people working around the clock to truly cover all the work I have to do.
I began marriage as the most submissive wife EVER. I’m that obnoxious girl who’d tell other wives how they needed to humble themselves and lift their husbands up when they complained about their men, and ‘Created to be His Helpmeet’ was my rule book. I pictured my man and I bravely lead our brood forward in solid, happy family life. Unfortunately, he is not at the helm with me by his side, our babies in my arms. I feel as if he’s tugging at my skirt like the rest of them. He sulks and pouts when he wants more attention, he resents what I give the kids, and mind you, I spoil this man. I buy him treats every time I buy for the kids, rub his back, initiate physical intimacy, and never eat without offering to make him something. But nothing I do for him is ever enough in his eyes, because I do “more” for our small children. He appears to be competing with the kids, I do not understand this.
As women, we have kids and become selfless for their benefit. It appears that some men do the opposite, tracking every moment and dollar spent on their own children, trying to make sure they themselves always get the most. How is this Christlike? How do these men see the “weaker vessel” straining under a load they themselves are unable to bear, and seek to strain her further with their own demands? Anyway, I’m attempting to do what I believe is right as a wife, but it now comes purely from obedience, not from any sense of respect, love, or adoration for the man I married.
I do love and respect him, but it’s being chipped away. Every time he scowls as he watches me care for the kids I feel sick. His obsession with sex has just gotten so old, it’s all I ever hear from him. If we skip a day he starts counting, and informs me of the count after a couple of days. The mere fact that he has the free time to even think of sex is glaring proof to me that our loads are grossly uneven, because my brain is bombarded with responsibilities 24/7, yet he has plenty of time to fantasize and then feel unsatisfied that I’m not as obsessive about sex myself…? I never deny him, and I do initiate, but if this pattern continues….I just don’t know how to sexually desire someone who requires the care of a small child? Anyway, I could vent about this forever. I’m truly sorry for the position you are in, I do pray that your husband will man up, get off the couch, and remind you why you fell in love with him in the first place. <3 And may God richly bless your sweet children.
You apparently have very little respect for your husband. If you love your children more than your husband, you’ve put yourself into a position that will probably not end well.
Wow, you seem to have very little respect for the order of the family that God has instated.
If you really place your children that far above your husband, and if you have as little respect for him as it seems from your post, I really fear you will be very disappointed within a matter of time.
I can’t say that I am nonexistent in my household, but I am certainly expendable. No one, neither my wife or kids really care if I am there or not. I am more so a facilitator who ensures that there is a steady money stream to keep a roof over their heads, and food in the fridge. Our bed, as I am typing this has two of my children laying in it with my wife. They have their own room with their own beds. Every single night, they lay in between us, and she allows it. I have come to the point that I do resent my wife and kids, and I have already displayed acts of anger
only because she will not acknowledge that her attention to them is tearing us apart, instead saying that I am childish and selfish, even jealous of my children.
Yes, I am jealous. I miss my bestfriend, my wife. I am at the point where my faith in a resolution has dwindled almost to nothing. Divorce is now crossing my mind, and even infidelity. I really need help, I don’t think a counselor will help because my wife will never admit that she put the kids before me. She will place the blame solely on me at every turn.
sorry to hear that; it happens to a lot of us guys. Not really sure why, maybe since the woman birthed the baby she feels like it is her object to give all her attention to. I believe the children replace the object that women need to give attention to. Espically if it’s a son. You see the mothers’ picking daughter-in-laws to pieces because they are not good enough for their baby son. (Everybody Loves Raymond) Generally the opionon of men has declined in the past years. You can see how stupid commericals make them (us) look. Eventually the children will grow up, you will get your wife back for a few years, then grandchildren will come along. It will start all over again.
What to do? Love your wife, show her attention & children attention. Women like it when you show the children attention. Try to schedule an overnight trip for you & your wife w/o children. Go on a date with her or double date with her friends.
You? Find a good hobby, golf, cycling, buy a big motorcycle. You can ride with other abused/neglected husbands. When you scratch your way back to #6 on your wives’ list you can take her riding. When you fall back to 10th you can ride with your friends.
The same happens to me. My wife prefers our daughter (19 months) and her parents and siblings to me. She seems to think I’m an obstacle in her life. She also has called me names a couple times. I won’t tolerate a lack of respect. I feel so sad and lonely.
Sorry Max. Find a good hobby, golf, fishing or a big motorcycle. Find some guy friends who have small children; they will be in the same boat as you.
This article is so profound and important to a marriage and in my case any offspring. We have an only son and my wife has become more and more besotted with him. I should have seen the signs when we tried to adopt another boy but because on an occasion they were arguing (nothing special, just as young children do) She would not take on the adoptee. From then on her whole life has revolved around my son and more and more I have been excluded by both of them. I love my son and despite being denied any sexual favours from my wife stayed in the marriage.
I should not have done so because he is now 37 and has never had a girlfriend or outside relationships or any meaningful employment. In other words he has not grown up because everything has been provided for him because of her obsessive love. I know he needed tough love but it was always 2 against 1 and I was always in the wrong for suggesting that my son should stand on his own 2 feet.
Eventually I decided that all I could do was leave the marriage because then it would force him into the world and I would still be around to give support rather than wait until I died. My wife of course cannot see what she is doing she calls it love. I know I have been weak but I honestly do not know what I could have done.
My wife and I have been married for a little over five years. I met her online and we got married in Colombia, where she is from. She is now 68 years old and I am 76. When I first met her, her then 29 year old son was living with her. He did not have a job, slept until noon, and, of course, did not contribute to the household expenses. I was very concerned about this and told her that he would not be living with us.
We spent the honeymoon in Colombia and then I brought my wife to Mexico where I have been a missionary now for over 21 years. I asked her if she was ready to leave her family behind to be a missionary with me in Mexico and she answered “Whatever the Lord’s will is.” About two years into the marriage she told me that she wanted to go back to Colombia. Even though the Christian women here have been very friendly and loving towards her, and she is very popular with them, she says that they are still not her family.
She told me that she has never loved me with romantic love, that she married me because she felt pressured to do so. (We were married a little over a year later after we met online.) She also told me last year that her estrogen level is almost non-existant and for that reason she does not want to have sex any more. Two other reasons that she told me she doesn’t want sex is because she doesn’t love me in a romantic sense and that i have a pot gut.
She calls this son more than 30 times a month. He is begging her to move back to Colombia. A few days ago my wife told me that she was lonely and bored and wanted to go back to where her family is, that she has no family here in Mexico (I guess I don’t count as being a member of her family). I finally told her that when she goes back to Colombia to visit, that she should stay there until we can solve our marital problems.
Many so-called Christians are led by their feelings instead of doing what is right whether they feel like it or not. She listens to a lot of prosperity preachers on Christian television who focus mainly on teaching people how they can get a lot of material blessings in this life. My wife told me that some women would have left me because of the furniture that I have. She has no problems with preachers being multi-millionares from the tithes and offerings that God’s people give them, saying that Abraham and Joseph were rich. Please pray for our marriage!
This is such a great article. I feel this is in store for my future. My wife brightens up when we talk about having kids. She is very excited about raising children, but I fear she will become more of an absent wife once she becomes a mother. I have encouraged her with words, served her with actions, but she often has an obvious lack of passion for me, like she is waiting for motherhood to arrive in order for her to come out of her shell.
I am discouraged to the point I feel, though I know she doesn’t want this intentionally, she married me to become more of a mother to our future children than a wife to me…it’s like she isn’t aware of her own attitude and lack of interest toward me. I am jealous for her companionship and we don’t even have kids yet. I can’t imagine being parents and our marriage becoming an after thought. I wish my wife could understand these things without getting her feelings hurt and curling up in self-doubt.
Women want to have children, we guys want to have a woman. Sounds like you will be in this category. So get ready. If you have a son, it will be over for you. Find a good hobby, golf, fishing or a big motorcycle. Find some guy friends who have small children, they will be in the same boat as you. Don’t try to talk to her about it, she will tell you that you are jealous of her relationship with her children, especially if you have a son.
Sorry to tell you this,,,
So, important for you let her know and how you feel that she is over excited about motherhood. I am wondering which she is more excited about, the motherhood or marriage to you?? Anyway, let her know so she can adjust so you will feel better after all, you’re feelings are there for a reason, so it is not out of blue. There are reasons for your feelings, just like there is reason for your wife to love children more because she is higher emotionally than you; so, logically she feels more for her children so you let her know so she can be careful and not turn a strength to a weakness. It is not the right ratio but wrong ratio. Kids need self-control to improve themselves, so does your wife need self-control to attend less and at same time attend more.
I’ve seen both sides of this. I’m one of two children of basically a loveless couple. My parents loved each other and always will but they weren’t in love with each other for years. They put my sister and me before themselves. I can remember the arguments. Once I had to leave the house because it got too loud and could still hear them at the end of the road. My mom always had to be right and still does.
My dad worked hard and was the best dad a daughter could hope for. I decided when I was a pre-teen I didn’t want a marriage like my parents and from a little girl I knew I didn’t want to be like my mom. I never remember them holding hands, hugging, kissing or being intimate with each other. As I got older I noticed my dad would already be gone to work when I awoke and would come home just in time for dinner. He would go watch TV and then go to bed. During dinner they would ask about what my sister and I did. Never about each other. After dinner my mom would sit in the kitchen and watch TV and go to bed well after my dad and repeat the next day.
I met my husband when I was 21 and he was 19. We are best friends and treat each other as such. We also are lovers and parents. Notice I put parents at the end. I take care of the house, him, and our soon to be 13 year old daughter. We play as a couple, clean and dirty, and make sure our needs are met. We never argue in front of anyone. We play as a family and we also have our own moments alone with our daughter. Mommy and daughter times and daddy and daughter times. We are affectionate in front of our daughter and she often tells us do you have to kiss each other? To which we reply of course we do. We love each other and you. Then we tickle and kiss her.
We are about to celebrate 20 years of marriage and have been together for 25 years. I wanted something totally different from what I had. I knew it wasn’t right. I’m with my best friend, husband, and boyfriend for the rest of my life. I would hope as long as we still loved and respected each other it would always be the way it was in the beginning. We did that by making us a priority. Our daughter sees us, and us as a family. I couldn’t ask for a more well rounded kid.
Kelly, it is wonderful to hear about a positive relationship on this site and that you understand the importance of placing your husband and your relationship with him as a priority in your life. I am a male and am struggling in my own marriage for all of the reasons listed in the article. You have something special – don’t ever forget to show appreciation and affection to your husband.
Women can help themselves most by treating their husbands well and providing their basic physical needs and positive affirmation. If they do this, their husbands will treat them like queens. Thank you for sharing your light and positive, healthy aspects of your marriage and family with those of us who hope to get to that point. Keep up the great work!
My wife is always sleeping with our daughter because she said that our bed was on the floor. I got a box spring for our bed now she sleeps with me like twenty percent of the time now. My only hope is prayer.
Find a good hobby, golf is good, you will be around other guys who are dissed by their wives