How does it make a man feel when his wife puts their children ahead of him? We posed that question to a group of men. Their most common answers are listed below:
1. Insignificant and disrespected
Most replied that they felt a deep lack of respect from not only their wives, but from their children. “Respect is important to a man, and he doesn’t feel that when the children consistently come first,” said one man.
2. Unloved
Most men, unlike most women, associate love with actions instead of with feelings. When a woman places her children above her husband, her actions say to him that she loves the children more than she loves him. Though not as vocal about it as women, men desire to be deeply loved by their wives. It is difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, but treat him in a cool or casual manner.
3. Lonely
One of the man’s greatest needs is companionship, and he usually expects to find this in his relationship with his wife. “As my wife pours more and more of her life into being a mother, she pours less and less of it into being my wife,” said one man. “The friend I once had in my wife is now a friend to our children, but a stranger to me.” The lonelier a man becomes, the more vulnerable he is to outside temptation. Is your husband lonely because of the time you spend with your children? Are you in any way making him more vulnerable to the attentions of other women?
Also, When Children Are Prioritized Ahead of a Husband, He Feels:
4. Unappreciated
Men appreciate being appreciated! Many men feel that their wives show greater appreciation to their children than they do to them. “If our daughter goes to a friend’s for the night, my wife misses her terribly,” said one husband. “When she comes home the next morning, my wife is ecstatic to see her and acts as if she’s been gone forever. I can be gone for days on a business trip, and my wife acts like I never left. Sometimes she even seems to resent my return home.” Does your husband know how important he is to you and how much you value him? Are you an appreciative wife?
5. Resentful and Angry
Though not a majority, some men stated that when their wives put their children first, they felt a sense of resentment and anger; some felt this way toward their children, others toward their wives. “My fifteen-year-old son walks through the door and my wife immediately asks abut his day or rubs his back if he’s tired. She pampers him constantly. I find myself resenting him, even though I know it isn’t his fault.” Is your husband frustrated or even jealous of your relationship with your children? Could it be that he feels left out or overlooked?
IDEAS ON THIS ISSUE OF CHILDREN AND THEIR PRIORITY:
Maybe you’re sensing that you need a major overhaul in this area, or perhaps just some fine-tuning. Regardless, here are some ideas to consider:
1. Think positive thoughts.
For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!
2. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Often this comes easily with our children, but is more difficult with our husbands. Grant him the same gracious generosity that you so readily give your kids.
3. Be spontaneous.
Surprise him once a week with a random act of kindness. One woman recently discovered that her husband liked a slushy drink from a local convenience store. She began buying them for him. “He loves it when I do this. It’s such a simple thing to do, and lets him know I’m thinking about him.”
4. Invest in his stock.
Share with your children things you admire about their father. This lets them see how important your marriage is to you. Though it’s been said dozens of times, the way Mom sees Dad is the greatest influencer of how the children see him. Do this with others as well. Many women excel at communicating their children’s strengths, but not their husband’s.
One woman pointed out that often friends will talk about their children in glowing terms, but when they talk about their husbands, they tend to talk about their weaknesses and inabilities. If you do this, stop! Commit to sharing with others only those things that build your husband up. Words are infectious and should be chosen wisely.
5. Make your bedroom a haven.
Too often this is the catchall room. Make an effort to keep it clean, organized, and inviting. One woman bought a small love seat and placed it in the master bedroom. This is where she and her husband spend a few moments together once they’ve gotten in the door at the end of the day. It shows their children that they value each other’s company as well. Burn a fragrant candle so that the room smells inviting and warm.
6. Cater to his quirks.
Many times we think our children’s quirks are cute but our husband’s are obnoxious. One woman discovered that her husband liked his sheets changed often, yet she preferred going longer between changings. “I fought this for years,” she said. “I thought he was being too obsessive. One day my daughter asked why I ignored her father’s request for clean sheets but always changed hers whenever she asked. I was shocked. This was something I didn’t even realize I was doing. I suddenly saw that I was not only dismissing one of my husband’s rare requests, but I was also modeling wrong priorities for my daughter.”
7. Check your attitude.
Said one woman, “I was stunned one night when my husband told me that he wished I had the same attitude toward him that I had toward the kids. From his perspective, I bent over backward for them. I ran all over town to find my daughter the right dress or my son the right tennis shoes. But he said that if he asked me to stop at the hardware store and pick up a gallon of paint, I balked.” Our attitudes speak volumes to our husbands.
8. Pray for your husband.
This tip could go in every chapter. There is nothing like prayer to soften your heart and sharpen your focus.
9. Reintroduce pet names into your relationship.
Refrain from calling him “Dad” or Daddy.” Choose instead to call him by a name that shows your love and high regard for him as a husband.
Your husband may or may not respond as you re-prioritize your relationships. It really isn’t an issue, though, if you are doing it to honor God. Certainly it’s nice for him to notice and appreciate your efforts, but it isn’t necessary. God notices.
This article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan for Marriage Still Works Today
Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
— ADDITIONALLY, CONCERNING CHILDREN & YOUR HUSBAND —
Here’s an article we recommend you read on this issue:
• FIND OUT WHY YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD COME FIRST
— PLUS —
We strongly recommend that you read the following linked article that is related, written by Gary Thomas:
• THE DANGER (TO OUR KIDS) OF A DISTANT MARRIAGE
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage For Married Women
Thank you SO very much for above excerpt/writings. My goodness, I’m not alone! Thank the LORD that you captured, completely how I feel, and put in much more succinct words the emotions I’ve felt for the past two years! I just don’t know how to break this all to my wife, a woman emotionally scarred by Missionary relatives who use God as a scapegoat for their irresponsibility in life situations (“God will provide”, when in reality they could help themselves quite capably) and thus she doesn’t pray. I can’t even talk with her about faith-based topics without her becoming very defensive and closing off her mind to the conversation.
I’ll look for the book. My wife is an avid reader. Maybe she’ll be interested. Am SO glad to know I’m not alone! Thank you for the time you took out of your own lives, relationships, famlies, etc, to capture these very important details. It might enable this relationship to become warm. It might save our son from seeing more days of a strained relationship between my wife and I (though I’m not sure he recognizes it). It might help me from feeling so lonely as I use such energy each day to keep even-tempered and not say anything because I’ve tried that in past and there is no receptive capacity in my wife’s consideration for me.
When my wife and I first met, my son (step-son) was 2 years old. As most of us on here are parents, I’m sure you know the challenges that come with raising a two year old. We got through it, and we had a couple more great kids. But now, I feel like my wife has forgotten that not only is she a mom, but someone’s wife too. We never really got to have that “couples together time”, as she came in with a child. And I feel that missing that has set us back. I have been hoping that she would somehow make time to “make up for lost time”, but it never happens, and there’s always a reason.
But she is really great at planning out activities for the kids… I’ve tried bringing up the subject, and she has told me in the past that the kids come before me. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve grown irritated and bitter, and she doesn’t seem to understand why. And she discounts anything I say. I feel like my sole purpose is to pay the bills, and make sure everyone has what they want, except me. Can anyone help me? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
I hope I’m not too late in responding. You plan a night out. Call a babysitter and take her to her favorite place and tell her the rule is, no talk about the kids just you guys. Good luck ?
It says in the Bible that the man is first, then the woman, not women and children first.
My reply here is really more of an attempt to understand why many in this conversation are thinking and reacting in absolutes (all or nothing).
An Observation-
In reading this I hear many defend and fortify their position that kids must come before their spouse (let’s rephrase this as marriage), often as a measuring stick for the quality of their parenting and the depth of love for their children. A position to which they are certainly entitled. This, even after being presented with scripture that prescribes marriage first. For example, words often spoken in our vows of Christian marriage (not verbatim of course), “Will you honor this (man or woman) to love and to hold, forsaking all others?”
The question –
To those of you (man or woman) who defend the position of children over/before spouse, even in opposition to God’s word…
Why did you get married before having children?
My husband and I just got in an argument. He told me he feels neglected, I got angry, very angry. We have two small children. How dare he say that after everything I do for our family… our kids… not a whole lot is done for him. I realize once the anger faded.
BUT a marriage is two sided, not a lot is done for me. We talked and we are going to do more for each other. It’s easy to let resentment build if you don’t say how you feel. I’m proud of my husband for letting me know he feels neglected and I’m ashamed that I let it get this bad. But we will fight for our marriage.
Unfortunately I have come to terms with the fact that my wife and I are on completely different pages. So sad and I can personally say that I feel I have done everything in my power to change it. She denied counseling even after I set it up; she won’t ever compromise. If I try to sit down and talk to her about the importance of us having each others backs and sharing a consistent message for our kids -she sighs and starts placing blame.
I’ve asked her countless times to let our babies sleep alone. She insists on our 1 yr old sleeping in bed every night. If it’s not her, it’s my 3 year old boy. I work 13 hour days almost daily because she asked me so many times if she could raise our kids at home. I come home to a destroyed house, dog is not fed, and clothes/toys everywhere. It drives me nuts. So I spend each night cleaning up and putting toys away, feeding the dog and then maybe make myself something. I then sleep in my son’s room, either because the baby and her are sprawled out or it’s all 3 of them in bed. I can’t remember the last time we actually slept in the same room.
I do feel angry and frustrated daily because I try so hard, work hard, do everything I can to make her life easy and raise our kids. I don’t want to be that guy but I’m turning into him.
Great article and great comments. Although this may not be directly related to the article, I’m just curious if studies have been done on this situation and the sex of the children. In my small circle of acquaintances it appears this issue appears more often with daughters only vs. families that include son(s).
From the few posts that specified the number and sex of the child(ren), it appears that families with daughters only seem to have this issues (including myself). If any of this has truth, I wonder if any of this can be contributed to simply a personality traits or the familiarity and connection to young girls vs. boys. Most (if not all) of my firends that have a son and daughter give each parent a connection to the child as well as the spouse. The father wants to be included in the love and connection to the mother and daughter and vice versa.
If you really want to feel like you’re out in left-field, alone, on a rainy day with no one else in the stadium, then marry a single mom. What comes across as a super caring mom, is really a distant wife who doesn’t know where to place her child. Sex? Good luck. To the single mom, keeping her kid out of the bedroom is like locking out the pet dog in the rain. My advice, look for a woman with no kids.
I forgot to mention, my step-child is a girl (Princess).
This article could also apply to someone like me… a wife of 23 years who has a stepson and grandkids that come before me! I write this on Christmas morning as I sit alone because my husband is out of state taking care of his elderly father who just had a stroke last week. My husband calls this morning but only AFTER he has already tried to do a video chat with his grandkids. Sorry, but who is first in the priority list??? It’s clearly not me…
Some women here (Like Virginia: press F3 and type her name to see the comments) will tell you to “woman up” children and grandchildren should always come first.
Children, especially young babies and toddlers, are a lot of work. Sometimes it does help if both parents see to their needs especially at bath time and supper time etc – “Happy Hour”. These parents, by helping each other, will find that by doing it this way the sooner they will find the quiet time after a long day and be able to enjoy each others company.
I’m a woman and my husband treats me in this manner. He told me our daughter will always be before me in everything. So I understand what you men are saying.
I’m glad you understand what we men go through and I find it’s not fair because we should always be first in anything.
Sadly, I have come to realize that my wife of 26 years has made her choice, and her choice is to focus her life’s efforts on her dogs. Don’t get me wrong, I love our dogs, and enjoy their company; but for her, it is her end-all, be-all, and everything “dog” is prioritized over anything else in her life. Granted, she has chosen Border Collies as her passion, and they are truly wonderful creatures, but her passion for training our dogs to sheep herd now extends to spending all of her available time, including any weekend time she is not at work, taking her dogs 80 – 100 miles from home to go herding; to go to clinics – every single weekend.
Mind you, she is a veterinarian, and has a somewhat flexible schedule. I bring home about 80% of the family salary/income and all of the benefits (health/dental/life insurance + 401K) – I have a good job, but it has taken a lifetime of hard work to maintain my position(s). This has afforded her the flexibility to work on average about 22 hours per week (she works 2 days + 6 hours every-other Saturday). Every Saturday when she is not working, and every Sunday, and every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, is another herding day. Dog expenses average around $8K per year.
The expense however isn’t the issue, it is that the dogs come home from sheepherding filthy (no surprise). She insists she “hoses them off” and on Wednesday evenings, she does fully bathe them (thank goodness), but in reality, they aren’t clean. She complains about how dusty our house is…but if I say anything about the dogs bringing in dust, dirt, sheep poop etc. on their coats, she insists that isn’t true. Every night, there are 4 dogs sleeping in the bedroom. The room stinks, but as a vet, she can’t smell it. As an asthmatic, I get asthma every night. She worries incessantly about the dogs, so after coming to bed (late) every night (after I’ve gone to bed and tried to get to sleep), she comes into the room, waking the dogs. In the middle of the night, she’ll often wake up and discipline them, or worry that they are having problems. I never get a full night’s sleep, yet I hold a professional position at a major institution and have a long commute too.
It seems that she has decided to choose the dogs and spending every available moment with the dogs as her priority, and that I have no real place in her life anymore. I feel guilty about thinking about leaving, but it has finally come down I think to an acceptance that she won’t change, that she has made a choice, and that it is a choice that is incompatible with my life. I do not want to live a life without a partner, and yet effectively, that is what I have accepted by remaining with her. She has chosen to do everything for her dogs, and has chosen to never spend time with me. One dog suffers from epileptic seizures, which are tough to watch, and of course are a serious health concern, and he is a really dear soul, but it also has meant that she can never leave him alone, so we never go out to dinner, we never go to do anything together, and there is no time to spend together any more.
Whenever she gets home from work or herding, every conversation is about the dogs, how they had a good outrun, or how one of them was learning to drive while keeping outside “the bubble”, or how one was tight on his flanks etc. There is never a conversation about the beauty of this world, the political challenges or world challenges ahead, about religion or beliefs or anything else. Her life is dogs, dogs, dogs, 100% of the time.
This week, I finally made the decision to start focusing on my health, and as a consequence also made the decision to begin sleeping at night in our travel trailer, which is comfortable (thankfully) and quiet (we have a large lot away from any street), so I can at least get a decent night’s sleep without being constantly awakened.
I fear making any decision about our relationship, but at this point, I am not sure where to go. I hadn’t mentioned yet, that she has also said that being affectionate is not how she shows her love (I mean hugging here – a pretty low bar, not sex). I get and give better hugs with friends than I do with her, and it is rare for her ever to show any physical affection at all, and when she does, it is the most brief, passing, almost shoulder to shoulder “hug” imaginable. I just wish I had someone in my life that wanted to hold me as I wanted to hold them.
It seems there is nothing left, and I’m having trouble figuring out reason(s) to stay in this marriage short of financial benefits.
Any advice for a husband of a dog-crazed wife would be appreciated.
My wife said last night her kids are always first and I am second. Then we started arguing and she said we are on a level of 50 /50. But deep down I know that she has them in first place.
I found this article and comments after my husband started to school me the other night about putting him before our children. I wanted to read what the men’s perspectives are and find the comments interesting. Here’s my story from a woman’s perspective…a classic example of what Tricia describes in her comment on Nov 8, 2014. Sorry in advance for the length.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years; our children are 4 and 2 years old. For our first 6 years of marriage we were best friends and did everything together… we enjoyed traveling, outdoor activities, theater, eating out and going to the movies quite regularly…basically everything we cannot do now or at least not often with 2 little kids.
A few days after we brought our son home from the hospital was when I knew we were going to have problems in the future. My son was born 5 weeks early when I developed preeclampsia while out of town visiting my in laws…so when he was released from the hospital we stayed at my in laws for a few days initially. There was a point when I needed some personal items from Target that I wanted to be able to pick out myself…that I didn’t have time to prepare for in advance being that the baby’s arrival was early. So I asked my husband if he could take the baby while I ran over to the store for a few minutes ….my in laws have a Pitt bull and I wasn’t comfortable leaving him in reach of that dog. My husband looked at me and said can you put him down? I was going to get something to eat. My sister in law had to step in and offer to hold the baby while I was gone.
Not long after our son’s birth we moved to a new town for my husband’s job. We knew no one and I had a brand new baby…I was sleep deprived and had no help, babysitters, support system or friends in the area. My husband started hanging out with the new friends he had made at work, a mostly single, younger crowd (we are in our mid 30’s). Movies, poker nights, trivia at mellow mushroom…oh yeah I was invited to that and went one time with the baby and had blaring loud music the entire time…had to go out to the car to nurse because I wasn’t comfortable doing it in front of people…great fun.
My parents came to visit when my son was 3 months old and got really upset when he went out to a poker night with the guys the first day they were there…they asked me if he does this often and I basically lied to them…for some reason I defended him. I was in tears and had to beg him to come home over texts …my parents were waiting to go to bed, I’m sure they wanted to see what time he came in. His parents have also expressed concern at things they’ve noticed. My husband has never gotten up at night with either child, has changed maybe half a dozen diapers, no help with dinners or kids meals, he wouldn’t even know what to feed them, he doesn’t grocery shop or clean the house, doesn’t help with their baths.
The first year of my son’s life he’d walk in the door from work pick him up, kiss him but then promptly put him down, watch tv, play online poker or just be on his iPad constantly…he stares at a screen the entire time he’s home basically…takes no interest in our children at all. After our daughter was born it was all the same stuff only now I was working twice as hard at home and was twice as sleep deprived.
Fast forward to the present. We’ve moved to another new town for his job (pilot). No friends, family nearby. He works a job where he’s away flying for a month at time and then home for usually a month, sometimes less. So everything still falls on me when he’s gone…and even when he is home. In some respects things are a bit easier from when the kids were babies, but in other areas it’s just as hard or harder. There’s tantrums, sibling fights, no more naps, picky eating, non stop potty training and my two year old still wakes at night…even the 4 year old will get up at night sometimes.
When my husband is home he has no responsibilities. He sleeps as long as he pleases, he doesn’t cook, clean or do any grocery shopping. He leaves his dishes in the sink for me to put in the dishwasher. He doesn’t participate in any of the child care, feeding, potty bathing, bedtime…he does occasionally watch them while I run an errand, that’s about it. He does a lot of staring at a screen. He rides his bike for hours a day in the summer, comes and goes as he pleases, hangs out with whatever 20 something coworker happens to be in town at the time. For some reason he’s never made friends with any married with children coworkers. My children have to beg him to come to their playroom and play with them. They’re in tears when he leaves.
My feelings in all of this? I’ve lost all respect I had for him as a person. I try to be the best mom I can be…why won’t he try to be the best dad he can be? I feel like I’ve never had a partner in this parenting thing. I feel like I’d rather he be away working than home. I’m happy when he leaves. When he’s away he tells me how much he misses us and can’t wait to get home; he hates being away from home for so long. I do get excited when he’s coming home, but it usually doesn’t last long once he’s here. He came home the other day from his latest trip and wasn’t in the door for 5 minutes when he asked me to make him a sandwich.
And then there’s what he said the other night that brought me here. Our home only has one bathroom, and the kids have bath toys. I love for the kids to take a long bath because it calms them late in the day when it’s close to bedtime and tantrums start. It gives me time to sit and read. So I buy them a lot of bath toys. Well, my husband hates the bath toys. He hates having to clean them up when he wants to take a shower, which he does twice a day sometimes. Last time he talked to me about this he addressed the issue by saying he hates these toys and I need to do a better job of cleaning them up. I told him do you see what I do all day with these kids? You do nothing around this house, but cleaning some bath toys is too much of a burden for you? And that shut him up quick. Well this time he says the bath toys are out of control and the kids only need a couple bath toys and by refusing to get rid of the bath toys I’m putting the kids ahead of him…he then says the Bible says you are supposed to put God first then your spouse, then the kids.
It’s very amusing that he cares about what the Bible says in this case because there are things he could care less about what the Bible says…porn for example. I tell him he’s selfish and that’s fine if the bath toys are such a burden for him, then I’ll do it just like I do everything else around here. And I’ve been cleaning up the bath toys for him ever since…and also haven’t spoken to him much ever since.
I’m not really sure where to go from here in how to repair our relationship…I do know we need marriage counseling. And I know this is a season in our life with the kids and it won’t last forever. But I can’t see gaining the respect for him back in the way he has treated the kids and I over the last 4 years. The damage has been done. How will I ever enjoy his company again? I feel like I never should have married him, let alone had kids with him. Any insight into the situation would be appreciated.
I have two children who I love very much. My wife has put them first for years. I’ve spent a small fortune for private schools, given them a good life, nice house while I traveled to support them. I’ve been a faithful husband all my life until maybe two years ago. My wife started sleeping with my kids instead of me and did everything with her two girls and not me.
Anytime I asked to do something with her she always said what about the kids? She could do things with them without me but can’t do things with me without them? I became seriously lonely and depressed. I wanted attention so bad I would do anything for it. I finally started getting the attention I needed and it lead to me cheating. She of coarse, blamed me 100% and kicked me out of the house and into the arms of another woman. It was all my fault.
During this time she herself cheated on me with two younger men 15 to 20 years younger and thought about or tried to have sex with my best friend. I’m totally messed up in the head because of all this. I never wanted to hurt her and I would have never thought she wanted to hurt me but she really took things to the limit when she found out I cheated.
I told her at one point I wasn’t happy. I started working out everyday because I was lonely. I told her that too. I’m a person just like anyone else. We’re trying to work things out but for me it’s hard. All she wants to do is for me to have sex with her like that’s going to fix everything? It’s not, she still sleeps with my two daughters instead of me. Her attention is still 100% on them and not me. I don’t know how else to make her understand the core reason for what I did is this? But it’s all my fault.
I’m seriously struggling with my wife having sex with other men even though I had sex with other women. I guess my struggle is pretty simple. She didn’t fight to keep me when she found out. I would have done the opposite if she had done it first. She was my soul mate and I’d never let her go to another man. Instead she tells me to leave and aids me with my struggles while living with two different women? Why? Then she just starts having casual sex with men and maybe even a close friend of mine? Even the women I was with were at least my age and we lived together. So there was a relationship. Her’s was just grudge sex from what I can tell? I see her different now. I’m upset she didn’t try to keep me. I’m upset she helped me stay away and I’m upset she just wanted to hurt me.
We’ve been married 27 yrs. I messed up first for sure but do her actions after she found out show that she’s truly in love with me or have I just been a convenience over the years? I screwed up but never intentionally tried to hurt her even though I did. She certainly tried to hurt me. I’m back with her now in the same house but does she really love me? No matter of any addictions or personal issues does she really, really love me? I just know I would fight for her. It hurts me to think she really hasn’t cared all these years. She told me last night after an argument that she would have had sex with anyone or as many as possible. Is this the actions of a wife who loved me unconditionally? Or the actions of a woman who just went through the motions and I happen to be the easiest solution for her needs for 27 years? She also mentioned that she often thought about being with my best friend over the years. I guess you could say she fantasized about being with him.
My wife same way always catering for her daughter. I want a bigger place; my wife puts hints about her sister and her sisters kids moving in with us. Biblically speaking, you become one flesh, leave your childhood family, start your own! Any husband or wife who makes others over your marriage doesn’t deserve you and shows how important you are. I pray for all of us going through this. In isn’t easy. Hate comes in to our mind and frustration.