Reconciling with a Wife Who Has Hardened Her Heart

“I’m trying everything I can, but my wife just doesn’t want to reconcile our marriage.”

“I’m doing all I know how to do, but my wife still wants a divorce.”

“My family is split apart, but my wife says ‘no’ to working on reconciling.”

Iron heartThose are just three of many statements we’ve heard here at Marriage Missions, where the husband is seeking to restore and rebuild their broken marital relationship, and yet the wife will have no part of it.

They ask us for help and to be perfectly honest, we often aren’t sure how to help them. First off, Steve and I are not Marriage Counselors —we’re Marriage Educators. And many of these types of couples need more help than we can give them. When you’re talking about deep-seeded problems, which are complex and have been going on a long time before they approach us, it’s seldom something that can be resolved with an obvious solution.

But I’ve done some digging into trying to come up with at least SOME type of “answers” for husbands, hoping they will be a good starting point. When a person feels they are drowning ANYTHING of any substance is better than nothing, at least for the immediate moment. And that is what I’m offering here —something of substance to help you in your immediate desperation.

It’s a starting point, where you and God will work through this journey together and as see how God helps you to unravel this complicated situation. It may or may not end up with the result you desire. However, who knows? It may end up better. I don’t know. But when God is invited in, you can be sure that you will find a place of peace somehow, at some point in time. And it will be the best solution that you can grasp, given the fact that we live in a fallen world. However, with the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor,” you have more going for you than any other way you could ever go.

That doesn’t mean that God won’t use other human counselors and advisors to help you at some point, but as the familiar term goes, “He’s got your back.”

The Bible says in Proverbs 30:21-23 that “Under three things the earth trembles…” One of those three things is “an unloved woman who is married.” Now you may be screaming out that you are WANTING to show her love and are willing to do what it takes to give her abundant love, but for some reason —one you and I may not understand, her availability to receive your love is slammed shut.

I don’t know if it is your fault, her fault, the fault of “the perfect storm” of emotions all tangled up, sin run amuck, and/or someone else’s fault. But whatever it is, it is. It’s best to work with what is, rather than look back, trying to wish things away —wish they never happened. They did. And now you work with what you CAN do, rather than what you wish you could do.

I’m going to present an article for you to read, to pray over and consider. It may or may not be for you (it may be for the next husband reading this, or even wife, because many of the same principles pointed out can apply to husband’s whose hearts have hardened) or there may be parts, which the Holy Spirit may use to speak to you. It’s the gleaning process, in action.

When given the opportunity, please read through it and ask the Lord to help you to keep your mind open to what He wants you to come to know. A good prayer for you to sincerely express to God may be:

Search me O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139:23-24)

But the first thing I want to point out is that there is a reason your wife’s spirit is closed off to you. It may be one or many or all of the reasons I pointed out earlier, but you need to know that it didn’t happen overnight. It may seem to you that it did because of how it all came down. But in reality, it has been closing off to you for a while and it just now came to a final closure —one that opened your eyes to the final door slamming shut.

A number of years ago, I heard Dr Gary Smalley talk about the process of how a spouse’s spirit closes. He showed an open hand with all of the fingers splayed wide apart. He likened the heart being in the place of the palm of the hand. It’s the soft part of who they are and very vulnerable when nothing is protecting it.

And then he gave examples of different “events,” which can cause a spouse to close a protective finger here and there, over their heart because they felt too vulnerable to being hurt again by the “offending” spouse. Sometimes confession and repentance opens the fingers again. But sometimes, the offended spouse never opens up in the same way ever again.

He then showed that sometimes a spouse has been hurt so much over time, that he or she will completely close off in spirit, from the other spouse. The hand looks like a closed fist. There is no part of that “heart,” which is open and vulnerable to the way you can approach it. And sometimes it never opens again.

In his book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late, Gary Smalley writes the following:

Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife’s spirit by:

– speaking harsh words

– telling her that her opinions don’t matter

– being unwilling to admit when you are wrong

– taking her for granted

– making jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense

– not trusting her

– forcing her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with

– being rude to her in front of others

– dismissing her needs as unimportant

Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you’ve done to close her spirit.

At our office in Branson, Missouri, we consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives’s spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don’t realize they’ve offended their wives.

And one day the husband comes home to find his wife’s spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like a sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!

If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him.”

Gary goes on to then state the following:

“Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you —who may find yourself with a closed sow bug, instead of an an open wife, feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit.”

I realize THAT’S what you are trying to do. Dr Smalley’s book gives you some ideas, which you may find helpful. They have worked for some husbands. They haven’t worked for others, but you never know until you pray, read, and see if God is leading you that way, so you may want to obtain the book to consider his advice.

I want to give one more illustration, before I move on from this point. I’m hoping it will help you to see what could have happened with your wife. It was written by someone named Camain, who asked for prayer on the Internet for his wife’s hardened heart. Referring to his wife, he wrote the following,

“Someone said that she is really hurt, and you’re right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that, but it’s the little things that have added up over the years. Each of those little things was a brick in a wall, and little by little with time being the mortar, that was has gotten big and hardened.

“At first I tried to bang myself against it, repetitively hitting it. I can’t break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and perseverance. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I’m trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage, no matter how big or small, and try to ask for forgiveness of them, and stop doing them.”

I can’t help but think of “the earth trembling” because of a wife who feels “unloved” so she closes her spirit, walled off from being open to her husband again —at least, not at this point.

True, we don’t know the circumstances. And true, sin is involved somewhere —you can count on it. But nonetheless, her spirit is closed.

I came across an article, which I referred to earlier, believing you will benefit from reading it. None of what has been said, nor will be said in this article, excuses sin. If it is the husband, the wife, and/or others, which sinned in some way, so the spirit of ANY spouse is closed off, it is wrong.

But hopefully, at least SOME of what the author, Reb Bradley has written will help in some way. At the end of this article, he offers additional resources. I need you to know that I don’t know much about Reb or his resources, so I can’t really recommend them. That is up to you.

All I can say is that I saw a lot of credibility in what I was able to glean and recommend you prayerfully consider all God shows you, which is important for your situation. Please click onto the following Familyministries.com link to read:

RECONCILIATION WITH A HARDENED WIFE

Above all, I hope that your ultimate goal is not ONLY to reconcile with your wife. If that is the case, your “solutions” will be most likely be temporary, when and if you do. Ultimately, I hope your ultimate goal is to go to GOD and make sure your life is clean —that you do not give your wife added “excuses” as to why she could remain closed in her spirit in reconciling with you.

Also, realize that giving forgiveness and reconciling the marriage are two separate steps. Your wife may have much, which she needs to forgive you for, and much she needs to surrender to the Lord. But that does not mean that she will have to reconcile with you in the way you desire, living as husband and wife again. If she doesn’t feel safe for some reason (whether it is physically, emotionally, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.

I can’t account for her actions, and neither can you. This is between her and God. And you will need to come to the place where you will live for God, EVEN IF your wife doesn’t join you in marriage again. Are you a man of God who can live like this? Are you a man after God’s own heart?

If you are, and you are sincere, then it seems to me that there is more hope for you that you can be reconciled to God AND to your wife. But I don’t know what your wife will do.

I do know though, that God wants to work in and through your life, whether your wife comes back or not. It is my sincerest hope you will participate with Him in this mission.

This article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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277 responses to “Reconciling with a Wife Who Has Hardened Her Heart

  1. I have been married to the love of my life for 17 years. We have two wonderful children together. My wife is absolutely beautiful, stunning in fact. She is always the voice of reason, the woman other women want to emulate and other men wish they had married. She is very smart and successful. I married way out of my league. This has caused me to always feel unworthy of her and doubt myself. My wife had been working out and even getting better looking (I didn’t think that was possible), and this fueled my anxiety.

    I recently contacted three women I knew in the past who had interest in me to validate my personal doubts. I did not have physical contact, or an emotional relationship. I just needed to feel worthy or have my ego boosted. She found my inappropriate conversations and pictures which two of the three girls sent me. This happened during one of the best years of our marriage and she says she can no longer trust me. “How can I trust you when you do this in the best year of our marriage?”

    She has told me that my wife is dead, her sweet husband is dead, she wants a divorce and finally is asking me to just let her go, if I love her as I say I do, then “let me go.” This is still very fresh; it has been a week. Counseling has begun, but she is defiant that her goal is only to forgive, not to reconcile. She was previously married and her last husband did cheat on her and she then had extra marital affairs and subsequently divorced him. There is no alcohol, drugs or abuse of any kind in our marriage. We attend church regularly. Until these past few weeks I was positive we would be together forever. Did her heart really harden this quickly or have my feelings of inadequacy been right? I would sincerely appreciate your prayers and constructive suggestions.

    1. Dear Todd, What a situation you put yourself in. I’m just going to get the point. Firstly, I’m very sorry for the current circumstances in which your marriage is in. I hope it will be resolved speedily.

      Now, Todd, you ask if your wife’s heart hardened that quickly or if your feelings of inadequacy were right all along. Those questions are totally out of the question and not even worth asking. Todd, sorry to say but you had inappropriate conversations and pictures from other women whilst you’re married. That is a never, ever, absolutely not on. You, due to feelings of inadequacy, brought this situation on yourself. If you felt so inadequate then you should have sought reassurance from your wife. She seems to have been there and you were experiencing the best year of your marriage when you did this. This is now a situation which we need to urgently rectify.

      Okay, as I and all other people do, we make mistakes in life in various things. So the question is what are you supposed to be thinking and doing right now in your circumstances? The first thing you need to do from the account of your story above, is that you need to realise that this was your mistake, as simple and small as it is, that has brought your marriage to this point. You then need to forgive yourself for your mistake. This is the beginning of any change for the good in your marriage and life.

      I also understand the reason, which caused you to make that mistake, inadequacy. We all feel inadequate at times so remember I’m not blaming you for the mistake. Who knows what I or any other person would react if we were to put in your shoes? Next time you feel inadequate in your marriage, seek counselling, your relatives and most importantly your wife to get some reassurance.

      It is good that you’re now in counselling. What a very good step you and your wife made. I need you Todd, to fight for your wife during the counselling sessions by truly and fully opening up your heart to explain why you seeked reassurance from other women. Let your wife know the extent of your feeling of inadequacy. Explain to her you never cheated physically and most importantly apologize to your wife and show her your deep regret for your actions.

      You wonder why your wife hardened her heart so quickly, if that justifies your feelings of inadequacy. Sorry Todd, but a fact of life is that everyone’s tolerance level is different. What can seem a small thing to one can be a very big thing to another. A small issue can break up one marriage but not the other. So as small as you may think an issue is (any contrary issues that can cause a marriage to break up), let us be very careful not to introduce it in marriages for it can cause a marriage to break up.

      To make your matters worse is the fact that your wife was cheated on in her previous marriage, so such matters as you having inappropriate conversations and pictures from other women, would of course be very bad for your relationship.

      What I suggest you do now is to continue making the most out of the counselling sessions to reconcile your marriage. Continue to show your wife love and support her as much as she needs to heal over this hurt or feelings she is going through. You will know what appropriate help to give her. You also need to start praying for you and your wife. You need to find God and place Jesus at the centre of your marriage. This is ultimately important.

      Your marriage can be restored and hopefully counselling and you talking to your wife will change her heart and stop her seeking a divorce. I pray for complete restoration of your marriage.

      And oh Todd, I understand you feeling inadequate, but hey, your wife never left you in your marriage when you were having these inadequate feelings; you and your wife were having the best year of your married life; that should show you that she still adores and admires you and finds you attractive as always. I wish you all the best Todd. Thank you for your time.

  2. I’m in a situation that totally confuses me, her family and friends. My wife and I have been together for 9 years, 3 of which we’ve been married. She has two boys that are 10 and 13 so I’ve been with them forever. They love me more than their biological father and would rather be with me as well. There were some rocky times with the the oldest boy due to his behavior (her lack of discipline) but we have a very strong father (step-father) son relationship. The younger boy was only 9 months when we met so I’ve been a big figure his whole life. They see their father per court visitation but they really don’t want to go. I stayed in the relationship when most men would have walked away. She even told family members and a close mutual friend “I don’t know why he stays” Easy. Because I love you and the boys.

    Fast forward to three years ago. We got married and they moved in. We move all her stuff over on a weekend the boys were with their father. I surprised the boys by decorating their rooms with a theme they liked so they had brand new rooms ready to go when they got home. I loved the excitement on their faces.

    She started working in the construction field doing office work. I wasn’t too fond of it but it was good money and I love and trust her. Our time started to dwindle about the time we got married because she was working 5 / 10’s and then had to work every other weekend. That put her working 12 days straight. We discussed her working the weekends the boys were with their dad so we could have the family together on her weekends off. Worked out fine or so I thought. Again, we didn’t have very much “US” time. I’m a bit OCD so I keep the house clean, laundry done, dinner cooked, etc and mainly did so because I knew she was working way more hours than I was. As a supporting spouse I feel we have to help each other. For three years she had to leave the house by 6 AM for work. She never really had to get the boys up, feed them breakfast, get them ready for and to school. I did it. Not a problem. That’s a part of my role as husband and father.

    December 2014 she started to withdraw emotionally. Our sex life was hit and miss. She works in an environment with all men, her and one other girl. My wife is attractive, very much so to me. She admits to a lot of flirting at her workplace and playful actions. She dismisses it but you can probably understand my point here. She is one with low self esteem and very naive. Christmas was fine. Valentines Day I got off an hour early and prepared a special dinner for us… her favorite. Lobster, crab cakes and fresh grilled veggies. Add in candles and the table was set when she arrived home. She gave me the most beautiful card stating how lucky she is to have me in her life and signs it, I love you. Same thing for my birthday in March.

    Along the way from December to April she was withdrawn. She would come home, kick off her shoes, get some water and sit in the recliner and play on her phone until bedtime and then retreat to the bed and play until she was ready to sleep. I was the one who typically got the boys fed, bathed and in bed on school nights. She didn’t cook much. She did when we were dating. Excellent cook. She would usually call and say “I’m picking up blank blank, do you want anything?

    I asked her a couple of times if she was ok. She replied once that she just wanted to be alone, do her own thing. OK? Kind of hard when you’re married with two kids. Easter comes and I asked her what was wrong again and she says “I’m not in love anymore and I’m not happy.” OK. I ask why are you not happy? Her reply – “I don’t know?” I ask what would make you happy? Same reply. Now, there are no raised voices. No fighting. We’ve never fight. Little spats here and there. That’s all I can get even to this day. Same thing she tells everyone. She tells a mutual friend that I’ve always taken care of her, the boys and her ailing mother. I’m always there.

    I’ve made some mistakes. Typically smart remarks when something happens. She backed into my car in our driveway twice and wasn’t too sorry about it. The 3 of them would be watching TV in the evening and I would walk through with a full load of laundry and nobody would offer to help. I’d say something like, It’s ok, I’ll fold all of this myself.

    After the stuff hit the fan I asked if she wanted time or was thinking of divorce. She said she wanted a divorce. Cut and dry. Not talking about it. No talking to someone with the church. No counseling. Nothing. She and the boys, at my request stayed until the school year was over. They moved out in July. She talked about getting the younger boy baptized in April of 2015 and has abandoned that. She hasn’t gone to church since August. I try to take the boys when they spend the night with me and are with me on Sunday mornings. I wasn’t raised going to church. I’ve started going and I feel it’s very important for the boys and I.

    I’m just stumped. She states that her feelings started to change about a year before she let it out in April 2015. She never said a word to me or anyone. Just let if fester. We had sex here and there. We took vacations. Did everything that families usually do. No signs whatsoever until I had to basically drag it out of her. I’m a detail person. I’m just confused on how she could give me a great card with such meaning, then after tell me she was no longer in love and not happy. On her very own she’d walk over to me every morning, kiss me on the lips and say I love you. For two months until I questioned her about it.

    This past Christmas I get a call from her in sheer panic. I had to ask her again what she said. “I need you. Please get over her quick!” The younger boy stepped on something and had three puncture wounds on his foot. He freaked. She panicked and I came to the rescue. All four of us spent 2 hours of Christmas morning in the ER. Later that day her mother asked her “Who did you call first, Marc or 911? Marc! Why, her mother asked. Because he’s so good at situations like this. He can calm the boys down, calm me down and he takes care of us.

    Now. See where I’m confused. She’s still set on getting divorced. She tells the mutual friend that she wants to be on her own, do her own thing. When the boys are at their dads she tries to get friends to go out to bars, concerts and drink but that’s not working out like she wants.

    Now she’s stating to our mutual friend that she’s happy but the friend knows her and can see right through it. I’ve always suggested she should get together with friends. We all need our “ME” time. She’s a homebody most of the time. Not a talker. Bottles everything up.

    1. Dear Marc, How terrible a situation you are in. What a major challenge to have to be facing.

      I can share a few words with you on your situation: Basically your attempts to rectify any problems in your marriage have not been accepted as such by your wife. You have tried to ask her what could you do to make her happy since she says she is not happy. You have suggested counselling or talking yourselves to see where things can be rectified or improved in the marriage. All that your wife has said no to adamantly. It hurts my heart to even imagine all your efforts going unrecognised.

      So, Marc at this junction really I just want to say well done for the great work you have done at being a good husband, you have done well. God Bless You. You see there are so many great changes in your wife; she has even moved out. The best I can say to you is pray for yourself over your marriage, then pray for your wife too. Unfortunately, as humans we have to at a point realise that we cannot change a persons heart, but only the Lord can do that. Keep that in mind.

      Now it seems like you want your wife back or are confused whether to take her back or if she wants you back etc. This is what I suggest. The first thing you need to do is to take time in prayer and ask God what you would like your marriage to be, what you want your marriage to be. Then ask God to show you what direction to take in your marriage, to know what is the right thing to do. And if you are going to pursue after your wife I need you to pray for strength to do so and for the ability to forgive your wife for all that she has done, all that has occurred. Give the whole situation time, for now whatever direction your marriage goes it is going to require time to reach the directed point.

      Now as you are praying for your marriage and working out the course for your marriage, continue from whichever angle and the way you can to just show love to your wife. She seems to be in one of those phase of being lost in life, that it is also a matter of hoping she quickly comes back to her senses and gets back to her marriage and stop seeking worldly joy and things. I can tell you one thing, most likely your wife will realise one day that going for this divorce was a very big mistake of her life and also the childrens. She will then want to come back to you. I pray that she’ll realize her mistake quickly so that your marriage can be saved and reconciled before it is too late.

      And Marc, remember to pray for the ability to forgive whatever your has done thus far if you reconcile your marriage. You state that you are confused as to what to think about your marriage because your wife still gave you cards on special occasions and also kisses and also called you on the boys emergency instead of 911. Marc, your wife said it already that she did not know how to tell you that she wants a divorce for a very long time, so of course she would still give you cards and kisses in her failure to let you know she wanted a divorce. She did not want to make it obvious as she was unsure to tell you her divorce request. And yes of course you will be the first person she called in the boys emergency because you are the father figure in their lives and she herself doesn’t have anyone to call onto immediately as she is your wife and moved out not a long time ago.

      It will never be a matter of simply moving out of the same house to seriously think that one is now independent of their other spouse in a marriage. Divorce is a very grievous matter this is why it should never be taken lightly and as a normal custom in society. And oh let me tell you now, that is not the last call you will get of that sort from her. There will be many more. So don’t allow that to confuse you much. The reason is as I stated above most likely that she’ll be calling for various help and support. If it’s a case of you wanting to know where her heart really is, then give it time, things will really reveal themselves to show you where heart really stands on the issue of your marriage.

      Your issue is just a matter of prayer, time and forgiveness. With a good input of those three things, possibly your marriage can be restored and all will be well again. Continue your husbandly duties and also fatherly duties with the children for now until you reach a confident decision and sure direction of what to do in your marriage. If you do reconcile with your wife then keep up the great work as a husband and father. If you don’t reconcile with your wife, then do what it is you find in your heart to do pertaining to continually being a father figure to the children and also a support for your wife etc. We will be praying for you. I hope you receive clarity and restoration in your marriage. God Bless You Marc.

  3. I been married for almost 4 years; before that we were together for 2. A year before we got married my wife had a miscarriage. Since that day she started changing. We married and have a beautiful daughter that my wife gives every ounce of her time and affection to, and leaves nothing for me. 6 months to a year after the baby was born I took my wife to marriage counseling, and it was a yelling match… everything was my fault. Matter of fact our life is a yelling match and it’s always my fault.

    I compliment her, I tell her she’s beautiful, a good mother and I get barely a reaction. I say I love you 4 or 5 times before she will even mumble it back. For the past 6 months I have shut down and I avoid her. Now I find out she pregnant with our second child.

    I am lost. I don’t know what to do. She has drained all the energy out of me. I feel I have nothing left. But I don’t wanna leave my family. But how do you know when it’s unfixable?

    1. Dear S from Canada, As I write you a few words, I pray that I meet you in good health and still in a hopeful position over your marriage. So to your case, only you really know your wife. But as I read your story, you say that her ways about you changed just after she had a miscarriage. That is a very crucial observance that you made. S, I wonder if your wife is in some deep hurt over the miscarriage and is still experiencing a lot of hurt over the miscarriage. And it seems as if to an extent in her mind she has probably some reasons she finds it right to blame you for that miscarriage and thus also making it and every issue in your marriage your fault.

      You see S, the post traumatic stress after a miscarriage for a woman can be very complex, wide ranging and difficult to spot. She might be hurting over the miscarriage and has never told you the issue because she somewhat also blames you over the miscarriage or so. But remember, this is the effects of miscarriage, so really don’t beat yourself thinking that you are somehow to blame for the miscarriage. The fact that she always says that every other issue in your marriage is your fault, could support my supposition that she finds that the miscarriage was partly or in whole your fault, thus finds fault in you in everything.

      When your had your daughter, you say your wife’s whole attention and life went to your daughter and does not give you a minute of her time anymore. This can go to further show also how the miscarriage affected your wife because now she has the child she has clung to the child without consideration to her role as a wife or any willingness to fulfill her functions as a wife it seems. This is a common after effect of miscarriage. So this is to expected especially in women who have not been able to accept and move past their previous miscarriage. Your wife could be very much hurting inside S, and has never told you over her miscarriage. She could be blaming and finding fault in herself so much for the miscarriage too that the only way she knows to address it is to find fault in you in everything and close herself from you emotionally. She could be crying so much inside without a way to know how to tell you S.

      You see S, miscarriage is such a very hard and difficult thing for a woman to experience and go through. To address the effects of a hurting person over miscarriage is very challenging and complex but can be done with much help and resources.

      So, before we go to any conclusion of anything, S, here is a move I suggest aiming at restoring this marriage. I think for a minute, let’s not be too bothered about all that your wife is finding fault in you. If I’m right, it’s just words of post miscarriage stress as I call it. Let us focus on finding help for your wife in the form of post miscarriage help and support. I think we need to address the miscarriage issue with her in depth to see exactly where she stands on this and if she’s hurting. We need to find your wife proper help such as miscarriage classes and counselling after miscarriage etc. Maybe support your wife if she is willing to seek help in all post miscarriage support she can get if it is she has not been able to move past the miscarriage. That is where the matter lies for all the other issues in your marriage. If you tackle the miscarriage pain she feels, then you have addressed automatically most other issues in your marriage. Look up any advice on this site on marriage after a miscarriage and also Google up some ideas and resources of how to deal with the whole matter of miscarriage.

      You are now about to have a second child and you say you have shut down on her and avoid her for the past six months. I understand all that you are going through will lead you to your reaction now, but S, I would like to encourage you more to keep fighting for your marriage. On this, let me tell you something, you say your marriage is now a yelling contest. I want you to take maybe even six months without responding to the yelling of your wife. When she yells at you, respond back to her with love and softness, comfort her. This should greatly remove the yelling in your marriage and then you will find yourself not avoiding her and also opening your heart back to her. Your wife will stop yelling when she does not get a yelling response back from you whenever she yells at you.

      Oh the big question, when do you know when it’s unfixable? You will never get the right answer to that from any human being because only God can show you the answer to that. That goes on to let me tell you to give yourself to God. Pray over this situation. You need to take your family to a good Bible based Church and give your hearts to the Lord. Pray for your wife to heal in whatever she is facing or going through and to give her heart back to her marriage. Prayer and The Word of God will restore your marriage. I will be praying for your marriage S.

      Now S, I know right now it seems as if you’re the only fighting for your marriage and this can make you feel like giving up. But I encourage you to fight for your marriage because it will be all worth it when you see your marriage restored back to normal and greatness. I wish you all the best in your marriage and pray for a reconciliation and restoration of your marriage.

  4. My wife and I have been married 23 yrs and never been separated. I came home Friday after work and much of her clothing and make up gone. Desperately I drove to her work to find her not there and blocking my phone and my early 20’s sons as well, they have been really hard to raise in the last few years and she has complained about them to me to do somthing about for quit a while now; but I have done everything I can except kick them out and she has protested against that.

    I’m praying for her just to even call. My heart hurts so bad I can’t eat or do anything; there is no way I can work in the morning. I’m a service manager for a ver busy dealership and you have to be completely focused or your going to fall apart. I’ve tried to find her to no avail, I started to pray but didn’t really know a lot of prayers that pertain to it. I love her so much and feel I’ve treated her well even though she’s had been a little distant and uncommon things happening. I asked her several times what was happening and she denied it. I thought if she would ever leave she would tell me and not make me wait for, well 3 days now not sure how much longer but I cannot take much more; just crushed never in my life have I felt pain like this and I’m 48 yrs old. Please God, bring her back to me.

  5. Good day, I’m faced with a very challenging situation her. My wife and I have been married for 3 years but the recent year of our marriage –2015 has been very tough and challenging. All along even the time we were dating we have been staying in different provinces up until 2014 and 2015 where I moved from Durban to Johannesburg, and I think this is where challenges started in tyring to adjust to one another. Before we moved in together our relationship was going very well but when I moved to Johannesburg, things started going bad. I strongly feel that I am the one who messed up by feeling like she owes me something by me sacrificing my whole life to be with her and started demand everything, using harsh/hurting words then apologies. But the following time when we have an argument, the same will happen. This started mid 2014 and 2015. It’s where I think she could not take it any more.

    Right now her heart has closed, she told me I have pushed her to the limit, she needs her happiness back, the only way to get this is a divorce. I’ve tried to apologize and clearly stated that I’m owning up to my mistakes and I know them one by one. I’m willing to correct everything as I’ve identified them and the hurt that I have caused. She could not hear that. She says her heart has switched off and there is nothing I can do about that even though she forgives me for my wrong doing and bad treatment but she is not willing to take the risk of reconciliation. The least she could do is to give it a few months and see how it goes but the chances are slim.

    My problem is I’m not very sure what to do to try win her heart back and how to do it. I really love my wife and we have a 2 and 3 months boy that is a victim in the process. The main problem is that she also doesn’t want any third party involvement i.e. marriage counselor/pastor/family or any one. The only thing that we are attending is church, which I believe God will soften her heart and help us.

    I pray every day that God soften her heart as he is the only one who has access to any heart but I’m scared that what if it doesn’t work but at the same time I have faith. What else can I do. Your kindly assistance and prayer will be highly appreciated. Kind Regards,

  6. I saw my husband chat with his ex girlfriend. He said he want to chat with her and he said he still thinks of her and loves her. And I read his chat to the woman. He said “..In fact my heart got so hardened I’m just waiting for my wife to say, well I’ve had enough and I am not happy here in America, I am going home.” Then he said first love I am here. I asked my husband about this and he told me he loves me and that she is a friend only..

    1. Dear Terry, It took me a long time to consider how best to reply to your post. Not that it was difficult, but is a very short but extremely concerning post. I’ll restrict to answering briefly for many reasons.

      Your husband is texting an ex girlfriend! I have always promoted a policy that once you are married any friendship or contact with an ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend should be absolutely terminated. Why people in marriages especially nowadays think that it’s normal to keep in touch with an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend, is beyond explanation [the only time an ex should be kept in touch with is if there are children involved].

      So my dear Terry, firstly I suggest that you amicably try to ask your husband to cut ties or friendship or whatever it is called with his ex girlfriend. He’s married to you now and really it’s not a good thing to keep company in whatever form with an ex girlfriend or boyfriend. Your husband texts to this ex girlfriend are out of order. He should not be texting such words to another woman.

      I also suggest that you and your husband begin some marriage classes in a Church, do activities, which focus on strengthening your marriage. It’s good for a marriage that every so often you do things meant to remind and revive each others vows and love for each other in your marriage. Sit down with your husband and talk about things you can do to keep your marriage going and revive the love you had for each other the first time you met or decided to date etc. It’s important you do this Terry. I hope your husband will join you in these activities and also will agree to cut contact with his ex girlfriend.

      I don’t know if you go to Church or not. But Terry, the greatest mistake of many marriages is not to put God at the centre of the marriage. I hope you’re in a good Bible based church and that you pray and read the Bible with your husband. Both of you should join a Jesus believing Bible Based Church and give your hearts and minds to God. It’s very important for your lives and everything pertaining to your life.

      Thus far without adding more I’d like to stop here. This site is extremely filled with resources on how to improve and keep your marriage. I hope you and your husband may take a look at them or maybe you share some of the ideas and resources from this site for the increase of your marriage bond with your husband. God Bless You Terry and may you continue to enjoy your marriage. Thank you.

  7. I love God. I always have I always will. He’s my father. I confess my sin and ask for forgiveness. I’ve just about lost the love of my life. She filed for a divorce on January 7th 2016. I’ve been trying my hardest to save our marriage. I pray always. I’m totally disabled and she has neglected to bring me food and meds, leaving me to rely on other people to survive. But I forgive her and I’ll continue to try to save our marriage.

    1. Dearest Scott, May the Lord bless you with the right people around you that will always be there to help you daily and stand in the gap in all your needs and requirements.

      I am very sorry to hear that your wife has proceeded for a divorce. I remember reading an article from Scott last year on this same site but I’m not sure if it’s you. But anyway, I want to encourage you to go through this very difficult and painful time with God. You have done one of the greatest things on earth and in life, which is to forgive your wife in all her decision to divorce you. This is the greatest thing you can do for both your life and her life also. So, well done greatly for that, may the Lord bless you and remember you for that. You have greatly encouraged me in the faith by that act of forgiveness you have done.

      Now Scott, I want to ask further for the strength from you to bless your wife with the Word of God as you go through the divorce. But as you go through the divorce whenever you are in contact with your wife shower her with the Word of God. Bless her with the Word of God as much as possible. And as much as allows, please try and do the divorce as peacefully as much as possible in you. I don’t know what and what is the divorce state of your marriage and the reasons for your wife seeking the divorce, but let us try and promote the Word of God more in the divorce, than promoting any further hurtful events. I am so sorry about this divorce.

      Keep your hold in the Word of God and pray unceasingly. For all your disability needs, our Father, your Father, the Great Lord, will meet all your needs and requirements. Our God is Jehovah Jireh, Our Provider.

      You say that you’re still trying to save your marriage. I’ll tell you one thing now Scott, in your fight to save your marriage I’ll be with you in that all the way. So our situation at moment might look like all the odds are against us, but at your call, which I presume at the moment is to continue fighting for your marriage, I say let us strengthen ourselves in that direction. Let us continue fighting for your marriage.

      You see Scott, a lot of marriages have gone for filing for a divorce in the courts, but many of those marriages have also been saved before the divorce was granted. So I stand in prayer with you that your marriage will be one of those saved too. To further attempt to save your marriage Scott, I encourage you not to allow unnecessary sparks which promote divorce in your marriage at the moment. I mean if you for example, can do away with unnecessary arguments and squabbles try to avoid them then. You only knows those things which can add to your wife seeking a divorce and if any things can be realistically done away with, then let us push for that. Let us pray for the softening of your wifes heart so that she doesn’t go any further with the divorce and stops it. Prayer changes things.

      Finally Scott, may the grace of the Lord be sufficient for you to sustain you as you go through this divorce and through life. The grace of the Lord will always be sufficient for you to bless you and keep you going. Remember, use every opportunity and circumstances as bad as they might be to promote the Word of God. I’ll pray for you Scott and your wife. May your wife be blessed with peace. God Bless You Scott, it is well. Thank you.