Marriage Missions International

Reconciling with a Wife Who Has Hardened Her Heart

“I’m trying everything I can, but my wife just doesn’t want to reconcile our marriage.”

“I’m doing all I know how to do, but my wife still wants a divorce.”

“My family is split apart, but my wife says ‘no’ to working on reconciling.”

Iron heartThose are just three of many statements we’ve heard here at Marriage Missions, where the husband is seeking to restore and rebuild their broken marital relationship, and yet the wife will have no part of it.

They ask us for help and to be perfectly honest, we often aren’t sure how to help them. First off, Steve and I are not Marriage Counselors —we’re Marriage Educators. And many of these types of couples need more help than we can give them. When you’re talking about deep-seeded problems, which are complex and have been going on a long time before they approach us, it’s seldom something that can be resolved with an obvious solution.

But I’ve done some digging into trying to come up with at least SOME type of “answers” for husbands, hoping they will be a good starting point. When a person feels they are drowning ANYTHING of any substance is better than nothing, at least for the immediate moment. And that is what I’m offering here —something of substance to help you in your immediate desperation.

It’s a starting point, where you and God will work through this journey together and as see how God helps you to unravel this complicated situation. It may or may not end up with the result you desire. However, who knows? It may end up better. I don’t know. But when God is invited in, you can be sure that you will find a place of peace somehow, at some point in time. And it will be the best solution that you can grasp, given the fact that we live in a fallen world. However, with the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor,” you have more going for you than any other way you could ever go.

That doesn’t mean that God won’t use other human counselors and advisors to help you at some point, but as the familiar term goes, “He’s got your back.”

The Bible says in Proverbs 30:21-23 that “Under three things the earth trembles…” One of those three things is “an unloved woman who is married.” Now you may be screaming out that you are WANTING to show her love and are willing to do what it takes to give her abundant love, but for some reason —one you and I may not understand, her availability to receive your love is slammed shut.

I don’t know if it is your fault, her fault, the fault of “the perfect storm” of emotions all tangled up, sin run amuck, and/or someone else’s fault. But whatever it is, it is. It’s best to work with what is, rather than look back, trying to wish things away —wish they never happened. They did. And now you work with what you CAN do, rather than what you wish you could do.

I’m going to present an article for you to read, to pray over and consider. It may or may not be for you (it may be for the next husband reading this, or even wife, because many of the same principles pointed out can apply to husband’s whose hearts have hardened) or there may be parts, which the Holy Spirit may use to speak to you. It’s the gleaning process, in action.

When given the opportunity, please read through it and ask the Lord to help you to keep your mind open to what He wants you to come to know. A good prayer for you to sincerely express to God may be:

Search me O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139:23-24)

But the first thing I want to point out is that there is a reason your wife’s spirit is closed off to you. It may be one or many or all of the reasons I pointed out earlier, but you need to know that it didn’t happen overnight. It may seem to you that it did because of how it all came down. But in reality, it has been closing off to you for a while and it just now came to a final closure —one that opened your eyes to the final door slamming shut.

A number of years ago, I heard Dr Gary Smalley talk about the process of how a spouse’s spirit closes. He showed an open hand with all of the fingers splayed wide apart. He likened the heart being in the place of the palm of the hand. It’s the soft part of who they are and very vulnerable when nothing is protecting it.

And then he gave examples of different “events,” which can cause a spouse to close a protective finger here and there, over their heart because they felt too vulnerable to being hurt again by the “offending” spouse. Sometimes confession and repentance opens the fingers again. But sometimes, the offended spouse never opens up in the same way ever again.

He then showed that sometimes a spouse has been hurt so much over time, that he or she will completely close off in spirit, from the other spouse. The hand looks like a closed fist. There is no part of that “heart,” which is open and vulnerable to the way you can approach it. And sometimes it never opens again.

In his book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late, Gary Smalley writes the following:

Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife’s spirit by:

– speaking harsh words

– telling her that her opinions don’t matter

– being unwilling to admit when you are wrong

– taking her for granted

– making jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense

– not trusting her

– forcing her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with

– being rude to her in front of others

– dismissing her needs as unimportant

Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you’ve done to close her spirit.

At our office in Branson, Missouri, we consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives’s spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don’t realize they’ve offended their wives.

And one day the husband comes home to find his wife’s spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like a sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!

If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him.”

Gary goes on to then state the following:

“Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you —who may find yourself with a closed sow bug, instead of an an open wife, feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit.”

I realize THAT’S what you are trying to do. Dr Smalley’s book gives you some ideas, which you may find helpful. They have worked for some husbands. They haven’t worked for others, but you never know until you pray, read, and see if God is leading you that way, so you may want to obtain the book to consider his advice.

I want to give one more illustration, before I move on from this point. I’m hoping it will help you to see what could have happened with your wife. It was written by someone named Camain, who asked for prayer on the Internet for his wife’s hardened heart. Referring to his wife, he wrote the following,

“Someone said that she is really hurt, and you’re right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that, but it’s the little things that have added up over the years. Each of those little things was a brick in a wall, and little by little with time being the mortar, that was has gotten big and hardened.

“At first I tried to bang myself against it, repetitively hitting it. I can’t break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and perseverance. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I’m trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage, no matter how big or small, and try to ask for forgiveness of them, and stop doing them.”

I can’t help but think of “the earth trembling” because of a wife who feels “unloved” so she closes her spirit, walled off from being open to her husband again —at least, not at this point.

True, we don’t know the circumstances. And true, sin is involved somewhere —you can count on it. But nonetheless, her spirit is closed.

I came across an article, which I referred to earlier, believing you will benefit from reading it. None of what has been said, nor will be said in this article, excuses sin. If it is the husband, the wife, and/or others, which sinned in some way, so the spirit of ANY spouse is closed off, it is wrong.

But hopefully, at least SOME of what the author, Reb Bradley has written will help in some way. At the end of this article, he offers additional resources. I need you to know that I don’t know much about Reb or his resources, so I can’t really recommend them. That is up to you.

All I can say is that I saw a lot of credibility in what I was able to glean and recommend you prayerfully consider all God shows you, which is important for your situation. Please click onto the following link to read:


Above all, I hope that your ultimate goal is not ONLY to reconcile with your wife. If that is the case, your “solutions” will be most likely be temporary, when and if you do. Ultimately, I hope your ultimate goal is to go to GOD and make sure your life is clean —that you do not give your wife added “excuses” as to why she could remain closed in her spirit in reconciling with you.

Also, realize that giving forgiveness and reconciling the marriage are two separate steps. Your wife may have much, which she needs to forgive you for, and much she needs to surrender to the Lord. But that does not mean that she will have to reconcile with you in the way you desire, living as husband and wife again. If she doesn’t feel safe for some reason (whether it is physically, emotionally, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.

I can’t account for her actions, and neither can you. This is between her and God. And you will need to come to the place where you will live for God, EVEN IF your wife doesn’t join you in marriage again. Are you a man of God who can live like this? Are you a man after God’s own heart?

If you are, and you are sincere, then it seems to me that there is more hope for you that you can be reconciled to God AND to your wife. But I don’t know what your wife will do.

I do know though, that God wants to work in and through your life, whether your wife comes back or not. It is my sincerest hope you will participate with Him in this mission.

This article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.


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249 Responses to “Reconciling with a Wife Who Has Hardened Her Heart”
  1. Altie from United States says:

    After 17 years of marriage my wife has decided to separate and divorce me. I allowed her heart to be hardened by the things I did, pornography, drinking and lying about it, disrespectful to het, but not in public. I did what I wanted to versus doing what God ask of me. I ran after her the best way I knew how, but obviously it was my way and not God’s way.

    We’ve been separated for two months, and in those two months she never wore her ring to work. I would tell her that she is opening up something that could be potentially sinful and hurtful toward me. Last week she told me she had been seeing a “friend”. It’s a man, and she now is in an emotional affair. I did all the wrong things when I actually caught her. I called her every bad word I could think of to describe a cheating women. Unfortunately, I was wrong and have repented to God for my actions.

    Worse than that she has justified it to our kids, saying God wants me to be happy. It gets worse, he is a very wealthy man that says he’s a Christian, but she tells me they talk regularly about the reason why she should divorce me. She says he’s completely on her side (why would he not be on your side!) My wife does have an emotional void that she has always given to God. She is not the same person I talked to 3 months ago about fighting for what God wants for our marriage. I told her that I choose to fight for our marriage until God released me from that. She said “I dont want to be married to you; get that through your brain, I’ve moved on!” I told her that’s fine in a calm voice, and I understood, but move toward God versus humans.

    • Anna from Canada says:

      ” I called her every bad word I could think of to describe a cheating women. Unfortunately, I was wrong and have repented to God for my actions. ”

      Did you apologize to her? I mean, you insulted her, not God and you just repent to God? Where is it written in the Bible that repenting only to God is enough? Even God tells us to go ask for the forgiveness of the person you hurt.

    • Gary from United States says:

      I’m sorry to hear what your going through. We men have a way of putting our wives in the place of all of our frustrations. Women are not innocent but when you constantly bicker with them and then the bitter words followed by heartless deeds and the, “I will show you attitude.” It’s hard to get beyond that, especially for women. My wife has shut down on me as well. AUGUST 27th will be the funeral -I mean divorce. At some point I just turned it over to God and you should too. I know that God is the only one who can soften her heart. Nothing that I can think of in my pea brain mind can fix that big of a hurt and soften hardened heart. Learn from your mistake. Pray and pray more.

  2. Jeff from United States says:

    I’ve been married for 13 years and I’m saddened to say that my marriage hangs by a thread. Like many men on this board my wife’s heart is now closed to me due to many years of mistakes and selfish behaviors on my part. We have two wonderful children who are impacted by our current situation. Three months ago my wife told me she had enough and wanted a divorce. I broke down in private and immediately called out to the Lord who answered me. What He said was that I may get to keep my wife but there was a good chance that I would not. He said to me to put that out of mind and that I must behave a certain way; not only towards my wife but in my life. In short I am to be strong, kind, gentle, and seek God with all my heart. In seeking the Lord I was told not to make it conditional in any way (i.e. just to regain my marriage).

    Lastly he told me to go home and ask my wife if she would allow me to stay in our house for 30 more days as long as there was no conflict. I asked her if we could pray together for those 30 days. She agreed to those terms. The good news is that I have been faithful to God’s instructions for those 30 days and it has now been approximately 80 days since we made that deal.

    We’ve never discussed the fact that our initial timeframe has been exceeded, I simply thank God for each new day. The bad news is that my drastic changes have caused my wife to become very conflicted. She is extremely sad and feels guilty about what she wants to do (leave me) versus what she feels she should do. Our house is peaceful but we’re still totally disconnected and live as roommates. It saddens me deeply to see my wife so hurt and upset. We haven’t even so much as hugged or touched hands in over 3 months.

    I’m asking for your prayers during this difficult period. I have to stay steadfast despite the fact that my wife’s heart continues to remain shut-off from me. Please pray for me and my family as I pray for each of you. Thank you and God Bless.

    • AJ from United States says:

      My prayers are with you; Obedience is better than sacrifice….Lift your wife up…God will give you the good and perfect gift!. Even through this time HE has your family…Not just you or your wife…In the palm of His hands. As the high priest of your home intercede — stand in the gap constantly for your family’s success. Let your wife know/see this in your actions – faith without works is dead. Likely your wife is also struggling with obedience to the Lord vs. her self preservation. I have faith that she will work trough this with God’s guidance. This is also her time to learn to trust God in all things.

    • Christopher from United States says:

      I can almost quote the same situation word for word. We are about a month and a half in. I was brought to my knees by her talk of divorce and am strong with Christ and getting closer everyday. I pray for her hardened heart to be softened by the Lord and for her to see the man I have become that I wasn’t before. Only then God’s vision of marraige can be achieved for us.

  3. Richard from United States says:

    Where to begin? 13 years ago I married the love of my life who had two kids, a boy and a girl. Now keep in mind at that time I had no idea what the role of a step father was until now so I advise to all of the men out there who are considering marrying a single mother with children YOU HAVE NO PARENTAL RIGHTS! Now having said that for the life of me, I don’t know what I did that was so bad for her kids to disrespect me and hate me so much because all I asked of them during the duration of the marriage is keep their rooms clean and pick up after themselves. So when I asked to help with the chores around the house the reply I would get is F.O. and my wife would allow them to treat me like that during the entire marriage and this is a family that came from Baptist roots.

    This went on for 10 years until the daughter found her husband and moved on, then the son got a full scholarship to Baylor. Then one and half years later he loses his scholarship and moves back home. So for the past year all he does is sit on his butt and does nothing and while I try to motivate him to get some ambition in life he pretty much tells me to F.O. and of course his mother takes his side. IF ONLY PEOPLE COULD AND OR WOULD KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEING SO ALONE IN THIS WORLD AND FEELING LIKE A PERSON WITH NO IMPORTANCE, LIKE AN OUTSIDER. Marry a single mom or dad with children and you’ll join the club for lonely people, you will definitely know what it’s like being second or third on the priority list.

    Two years ago I had an affair with another woman because I had a breaking point with the stepson, the wife sits by and does nothing and then I got caught via E-Mail. Because I was felt so alone I was vulnerable (I really can’t explain the why’s for my actions). After I committed the ultimate sin, I was so ashamed of myself that I didn’t make love to my wife anymore because I was so messed up in the head I really didn’t know how to fix what I broke and of course the love of my life didn’t know how to either, just complain about it.

    A year goes by and she finds another man with three children, files for divorce and moves in with her new romance and maybe just maybe she’ll know what it’s like to be in my shoes by being a step mom. Now there is just God and I and with his help hopefully my life will get back in order. I sure hope he forgives me because I never intended to have an affair but it happened and life goes on. Hope this helps someone out there.

    • Sean from United States says:

      Richard, your wife committed a serious sin with you. Husband is the #2 priority, after God for a Christian. Most people fail to realize that a wife’s sin in this manner is probably far more serious to God than anything you could do. You going with another woman is also a sin… but your wife effectively abandoned you. Repent, be thankful that you’re no longer married to an non-believer. Study and pray to God. Good luck.

  4. Walter from United States says:

    We’ve been married for 23 years and have known/been together for 31 years. She is the love of my life and we have two children boy 13 and girl 11. Over the last 6 years she quit her job, and we’ve been living at my gross wage. We’ve lost money in a company she started and in day trading. I was reaching the end of my rope for some time, and had pretty much thrown myself into work and was distant.

    I drank, drank alone at night but at times my frustration came out. I tried to give up drinking and had slowly gone back to it. On 1/1 we had a huge fight, and I was thrown out. She now say she wants a divorce and there is no chance of reconciliation. My lawyer says that this is one of the worse contested situations he has seen. Her parents (which never liked me) are one of the loudest advocates for the divorce.

    While there was one of physical abuse (grab her wrists, she would hit me, etc). There was no control being forced on my part. I didn’t even know the passwords to the financial accounts, and she came and went as she saw fit. I worked and handed over my check and got an allowance. There is definitely something evil that has happened.

    In mid-December she wanted the marriage. I have learned that I was not the husband I should have been, have been going to AA, praying, church, etc. I want to restore my marriage, not as it was, but as one in which is glorifies God. I know she’s hurting, that her pain and lashing out is all a result of the hurt she feels, that some of it (the sheer hatred?) is a result of listening to those who profess life will be better. I read the statistics, and life rarely gets better (unless there was sexual abuse, violence, controlling behavior).

    We were in a slump. She went days without showering, and the house would stay in a disaster from day to day. I should have been more encouraging, and I thought I was; I thought you would start gentle, then progessively increase the ante in order to get attention of what the issues were. Now I’m losing everything. My kids are suffering from PAS (they hate me), and blame me for destroying their world. I don’t know what to do. I’m losing faith in God, and lawyers and our mental health/ counselling system. Everyone supports divorce, no one supports reconciliation.

  5. Christy from United States says:

    I am that closed spirited wife. The sad thing for me is that I warned my husband for years that he was making a terrible mistake with his attitude. He wasn’t abusive…it was just comments he would make toward me and my 2 girls from my first marriage. We showed him all the love and giving one person could possibly receive. I even looked over how he would speak toward my girls at times, but it slowly started festering.

    We have been married for almost 7 years. Our daughter is 5 now. My daughters have moved out, so that brings me peace that they don’t have to deal with his attitude anymore. He has really been repentant the last year because he can see how shut off I am. I keep telling him I’m trying, but I just don’t feel anything for him. I certainly don’t want him to touch me in any way. I want so much to get my love back for him. I want it to work. I want to “feel” again, but If it wasn’t for our daughter and how she loves her daddy…I would’ve been gone a long time ago.

    I don’t know why I’m writing this. I just want husband’s out there to see that you may think it’s “cute” being the “man of the house” with a dominating attitude, but she will get tired…and when she does…I don’t think she’s able to come back. I can’t.

    • PJ from United States says:

      Christy, I am a husband with a step daughter and 2 daughters with my wife. We have been together for a total of 21 years. Speaking from the “man’s” perspective I always thought how I spoke and acted towards my wife and daughters was “normal” and “correct”. I was 100% wrong, I see that now. My wife shut me out of her heart and asked me for a divorce in March 2014. I was at the lowest point of my entire life.

      I had sensed that something was wrong a couple months prior to that and went to the Lord in prayer, every day, a hundred times a day. For me, to change my heart and the way I acted towards everyone. I asked God to empty my blackened heart and refill it with His Love. What I received was an overpouring of His Love. I’ve changed in so many positive ways, and my wife and children are reaping the benefits. I know I’m as far from perfect as anyone else and I need to keep drawing closer to him to become more like Him.

      For my wife, I pray everyday, that the Holy Spirit can soften her heart and that she can forgive my transgressions and put our past in the past, that God can fill her with His Love so that she’ll be able to reopen her heart so that we can be one with Him and each other. I pray for my children for God to wrap His Love around them and keep them protected.

      Its been about 18 months since I began my transformation and everyone around me can see and feel the difference. My wife and I are still together. It has been one bumpy road that we have travelled. She goes back and forth about her feelings towards me and I can feel her come close and draw back. I know I cannot change her heart, only God and time can heal the wounds I caused her. It’s tough for us both. I can honestly say that I love her more today than I ever have, and I now understand her so much better and can empathize with her struggles.

      Our friendship has grown exponentially. She feels safe talking to me, knowing there are not any repercussions for what is said. She struggles with how slow her feelings are taking to come back. From this time last year, she says she feels about 50% better about us, but she still wants it to go faster and gets dejected about it. I told her I believe that this reversal process is a very slow process from what I’ve read, been told, and seen with my own eyes. She tells me I’m now a great husband and father and she wants to continue working together. We both keep praying to God that he can restore us to to new heights. We both don’t want what was. We look forward to what will be.

      Please know that if your husband is truly sorry for what he has done and shows you the changes in him put there by the Lord, your heart can be changed too, with time and patience. I have apologized to my wife for each single problem that I’ve caused and continue to make amends for what I’ve done wrong in our relationship. Try to keep your outlook positive. Look to the future with anticipation. Negativity can tear you apart. Put the past in the past. I know the past cannot be forgotton, but it can be forgiven and filed away. Forgiveness is hard, but it can release anger, bitterness, resentment, and heal a closed heart. Continue to seek the Lord in prayer. I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers.

    • Sean from United States says:

      Christy, your perspective is a little off. God’s first command is to “help” your husband. Sometimes help means tough love. You should be Absolutely submissive if your husband is doing something good in front of God. If he is verbally abusive or emotionally abusive you should “help” him with that. Unfortunately, it sounds like you were submissive to his bad behavior for too long. That’s your own sin and a very subtle and difficult situation to overcome. Feeling “shut off” or “trying” are to a large degree just selfish. The tools of Satan are subtle, but powerful. So…. maybe you need a new game plan. Especially now that he’s willing to work with you. Keep it positive, read about conflict resolution in the Bible, get help from Church, etc… work at it…. repeat. Good luck.

    • Michael from Australia says:

      Hello Christy, certainly very brave to have made your post as well as truly heart breaking for you. But sadly I am one of those of whom you speak. My beautiful wife (we have been together for 32 years) left me 3 months ago. I haven’t been able to work or function properly since. There is nothing or no one on this planet I care for more but as you warn others …her heart is cast in stone now towards me. For just one more day by her side I would trade the rest of my life. I pray to God every chance I get …but I fear even with God’s help all is lost.

      She tells me that she doesn’t trust me …she can’t risk her heart being broken again. I have not strayed into the arms of another …rather into the arms of absolute stupidity. Maybe you may offer me some more advice? For that I’d be in your debt. I hope you may find happiness soon with God’s help. You’re in my prayers tonight. Michael.

  6. Scott from United States says:

    I first came across this article about a year ago. I noticed some of the problems that were mentioned. They’re all things that I’ve been dealing with for 10 years now. I can honestly say that I’ve done all that I know to do to make things right with my wife. I’ve acknowledged my wrongs and sought to correct them. However, I’m very tired of how she is allowed to continue in her bitterness and sin where I get beat to death with mine.

  7. Semi from Namibia says:

    I have tried to reconcile with my wife but no progress as she seems not interested anymore with the marriage. I believe the power of the Holy Spirit will take over one day and restore this marriage if really it was meant to last long. We are married for 15 years and are blessed with three kids. Am living in another town because of my work and she stays in the city with all the kids in our common home. She at once applied for legal protection order but fortunately, won it and it was withdrawn.

    This situation had made me to start losing hope and whenever I go to see my kids I normally arrange for places where I can stay for the weekend and see the kids. We hardly communicate because she blocked my contact with her on her mobile. Tough life but I believe you can assist me what is next.

  8. Scott from United States says:

    Hi, My Wife and I love each other. We’ve been together since Jun 17 2001. I love her with all my heart. What had happened is she has been the caregiver for her whole family so they came first. So when we made money they got it. When they had a problem they got her over me. Her friends had problems and they got her over me so we fought about everyone else coming first.

    I love her and would have her back. There are guys who came along and pushed her, causing us problems. In the end, I am right. Most all her friends, family want money, and time from her depleting US. When I set up romantic things they come hotel Valentines Day, New Years, anniversary. I want to go to church but her friends want to party. She has gay friends, she has friends that want to drink when I want us to go to church and the gym.

    They pull get away. There are guys who promise her stuff. People she knows gossip about me. I love her. I just threw her a birthday party, got her a limo. She said she loves me then while taking care of her family she says, Scott leave me alone. She wants to go see other guys. If it does not work out cone back to me. I think she is going thru a midlife crisis. These friends smell money I think, and wanted to do a DNA test saying her older norther had sex with her mom. O could go on and on her family drove her crazy she got rid of half of them then me are final fights were I wanted to go to church renew our vows her friends call get her drink and sick then we go back her friends get a boat again and so e guy sirs next to her hits on her we fight about that. What can I do? I love her. I been fighting for her since last October. She is love of my life. I feel she is the one God chose for me. How do I bring her back to me? and we are together and have God in our life what’s the right way to ouse her I did not sin against he r do not abuse her always built her self esteem up She had couple affairs which I had te pub ke getting past. She said she loves me bit thinks there may be too much damage. She wanted to let me know around July 4 if she takes me back.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      Your post is one really hard to get a complete understanding of what is really going on with your marriage; but I think I have understood the important facts. To reply to your message please may you tell what she has said about taking you back then I can make suggestions on what you should do next.

      It is 4 July today so you should hear from her I suppose. But for now the most important thing to do is maintain your prayers for your marriage and keep loving your wife. There are so many adjustments you need to make but if you are still available on this website let us know her decision about you and we can suggest ways forward. God bless you.

  9. Dupree from United States says:

    My wife’s heart is so hardened towards me. I lost me job in September 2013. I have looked for employment but have only been able to find part time work that is not steady. I’ve paid all of my bills with my 401K and we have never had any utilities turned off or anything repossessed. My wife hates her job and I know that. She would always come home complaining about work.

    While I wasn’t working I would try to do some of the household chores. I would do the laundry and sometimes there would be baskets of clean clothes that I had just dried sitting in the laundry room. I would fold them the next day. My wife would come home and ask are these clean or dirty. I would always tell her what was clean and I would fold and put away the laundry. I also cooked dinner and cleaned up and tried to keep the house relatively clean (it was never a dirty home).

    Well in January 2015 my wife’s father became ill and she went home 500 miles away to be with him in the hospital. During this time she reconnected with an old girlfriend who had a brother just a year younger than my wife. Their father was also sick and dying. My father in law died and when my wife came home she was grieving. She would go to bed at 8:30 pm. I told her I was her for her and wanted to help her through this period but she seems to want to grieve alone.

    One day she was going to visit a friend in the hospital in a nearby town. She told me that after visiting this friend her male friend from her hometown was gonna be in town because he was a truck driver and she was gonna go see him. I was not the jealous type so I said ok. But she was gone for several hours and I became suspicious.

    She went back home in March to see her mother and she calls me and tells me that one of her girlfriends set up a motorcycle ride. I asked her if she rode with the female friend and she said no. She rode with this same male friend. She was not hiding anything from me but made it seem as though it was just a friend and notthing more. When she returned home she was fine at first, waking up in the morning and reaching for me and caressing my arm. But by the end of the week she became quiet. I asked her if she still loved me and she said, “What do you think… yes I love you.” That night we had a talk and she told me she did not know if she loved me anymore.

    Things have gotten progressively worse. At first she would still hug and kiss me. Now she will not let me touch her. I checked my phone records and she has been texting this guy 100 time a day or more and his sister 60 to 80 times a day. We have 2 children. Our oldest is my stepdaughter who I’ve been with since she was 4. This daughter has told her mom until you end it with the other guy we’re done. My daughter and I are so close and we talk everyday. She is hurting so bad because of this.

    My wife says that because I didn’t have a job this allowed someone to come between us. She blames me for everything. She says that I have turned our girls against her but I told her that we taught them right from wrong and they now what is right. We are still living together and sleeping in the same bed but she barely talks to me. I love her with all my heart and cannot bare the thought of not being with her.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      Before anything the most important thing is to seek the presence and grace of God in your marriage. Look up verses about grace in the bible and declare and pray over them in your marriage. It is a very difficult position you are in but I have great hope that you shall come out of it with your marriage intact and stronger. The fact that your wife is still coming home shows that there is still hope for your marriage but what you do now is pray that that hope turns out into a stronger marriage.

      Continue to do what is right with your wife. Treat her like a wife until the end whichever way it goes. Try and find counselling for you and your wife. You need to be in a church, make sure you find one if you are not already part of a church.
      Try and also encourage and help your wife to change jobs and find something or somewhere she likes. It might mean changing careers but the frustration from her current job could also be contributing to her stance towards you.

      Whenever you can find yourself some sort of employment to help around but remember that you are doing very great as it is with the circumstances at the moment.
      If your wife is willing, try and find some activities you can do with your children together when and as possible. Keep showing her the love of family. As for your daughter or children pray for them for strength and peace through this time. It is a terrible time for them. And if you can by any means promote amongst your family. It is important.

      Always remember to tell your wife you love her even if she rejects you in anyway. The same time she turns each time, just make sure and tell her you love her. Very important. You are now the one in the drivers seat to save your marriage no matter how innocent you are, be strong and if you can at times, seek advice from older couples or people who have restored their marriages. Buy marriage books; they educate a lot. They will show you ways of improvement in every area of marriage.
      And may I remind you that it will be prayer to God through Jesus that will save your marriage. You need to pray.

      Keep loving your wife till the end, never give up. Show her romance too without being physical in other ways and even new ways. There is always hope. Give everything of your life to Jesus. Put Jesus first in your life and your relationships. It will work your marriage will be fine. I encourage you to read 1 Samuel 30.

      May God bless you and your marriage. May your wife open her heart to you and love you and desire to work and keep and enjoy your marriage. Stay Blessed.

  10. Isabella from United States says:

    Today is my 45th birthday. I was one of the women with the hardened heart. For many years I tried to work out my relationship with my husband until I gave up trying and our marriage began to fail considerably. My husband has been a Christian but we just did not exemplify God in our marriage. We have four daughters, the two youngest are aged 11 and 4.

    I filled for divorce in April last year, I left home in November 2014, tried to get an injunction and found my own house where I lived with the kids. Our divorce hearing was continued once and a temporary plan was put in place for our kids. Immediately, I became aware that my husband had developed a close relationship with one of my friends whose children were my children’s closest friends. It hurt me deeply and I told her not to baby sit my kids. I asked m husband to find another baby sitter, but he would not. While he dropped off the kids at this friend’s house and spent a lot of time hanging out with her at our old home and forced the kids to conform to her demands, I realized that this was not what I wanted for my kids.

    My friend also became very abusive and has caused the worst rift I have ever had with my husband to the extent that now he does not even talk with me. He neither writes nor communicates with me via phone or anything. In return she tells her everything that happens with the children and she spits it out to us. My friend greatly disappointed me and my husband too. Seeing no way to have a say in my children’s lives, I decided that exposing my children to the poor relating and conflict we were having was not what I had wanted when I filed for divorce.

    Since my divorce had not been finalized, I decided I would dismiss it and see if my husband and I can work through our problems for the sake of our kids and ourselves. I know I am doing just the reverse, but my heart had been completely hardened, my circumstances still make me want to try for the sake of my kids. I do not think that my heart was so hardened towards my husband that I was willing to look the other way while my children suffered the consequences. I may have made a mistake in deposing of the case, but I am sure I am giving us a chance, even if my husband who had earlier responded that he did not want the divorce is the one who is now eluding me. I am angry at myself for being so compromising, but at the same time, I am just glad that I have an opportunity to give my children the kind of life they would not have gotten. And maybe my husband and I can work through things together even if it seems impossible right now. I wlll appreciate any input.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      Hie Isabella. Firstly you need to pray for God to touch both your hearts completely. Then pray for reconciliation of the marriage. Your marriage will be restored with prayer. Join a good Bible church and seek help for counselling for both of you. Whenever you get the slightest chance to talk to your husband, reach his heart as much as you can with Bible verses. And from now on study your Bible about marriage and practice your marriage based on the bible.

      I also recommend you buy books on marriage and also books on restored marriages. Read them. You have to be patient with your husband. It might take a while for him to come back but with great diligence and endurance your marriage can be restored. I have so much to tell you but I have to stop for now. I wish you all the best. I want your marriage to be restored; it will work. please don’t divorce for the sake of your children and yourselves. In time you will both realise that keeping your marriage was the best thing you could both have done. This is very important.

  11. Robert from United States says:

    Hello my name is Robert, and I have broken my wife’s heart through harsh words lack of emotional attention lack of respect. In general, just being a lousy husband, and being a man of science have had somewhat a lack in faith in God. My wife is an amazing woman. We’ve been together a total of 12 years. She has recently shut down emotionally and I am devastated but I know things are much worse for her as she is severely wounded. We’re separating and I am in need of some spiritual guidance to work through this for myself as well as her.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      In life one’s actions will determine what they reap. Those negative words you said all these years are now producing their product. Robert, never say harsh words or negative things to your wife again whichever way your marriage goes. But be of good cheer, your marriage can be saved by the grace of God.

      So my advice to you firstly is seek and find God in your life. Go and join a good Bible based church. Accept Jesus in your life. The only way you will get your wife back is through Jesus. Remember that.

      The other thing you need to do now is to pray that your wife changes her heart and comes back to you. You really need to both seek counselling. You’re now in the edge in your marriage you need to fight for your wife back by showing her love and using nice and loving words to her. Do this, for every wrong and harsh words you’ve said to her in the past, go and say the correct loving words for everything you have said. Always show her love from now on by using the right words.

      Another thing I need to remind you is that it took twelve years of you saying harsh words to bring her to this point, so my sir, it can now take you twelve years or even double the time to change the situation and build loving words in her. My point is that it can take a long time to change her heart but please be patient with her. Please, please.

      Don’t encourage talk of divorce between you two. Encourage talk of love and change for the better. In life people don’t really need a divorce, they just need a better relationship within their marriage. You need to change and find God, Robert. And please by any means possible don’t I repeat, do not have a lengthy separation. If possible avoid it and work things out whilst you are living together.

      Divorce is such a terrible thing. You both need to work on your marriage. And also I don’t expect you Robert, to change overnight, but considering where your marriage is now I demand vast changes in you within a short time.

      Start Bible talk and studies with your wife. Give your lives to God and remain in Jesus forever. As I always tell people, by marriage books, they will educate you. Particularly look for books on how to be a better husband, books on how to be a Godly husband. Do that.

      My prayer for both of you is that you do not divorce; do not throw away your twelve years. You have both made it thus far, it means you can make it to the end.

      I’m sorry to pounce on you Robert but I’m responding as to your message description of your marriage, please understand. It now requires you to change and say and do the right things. Keep your marriage, it’s the best thing to do. You will do great and be better. Show her love, show her God, show her Jesus. This is the way to win her back and turn the situation around.

      This woman your wife loves you. To be with you twelve years in such circumstances of harsh words from you. It’s time to love her back.

      Lastly, please to both, prevent divorce. It’s one of the worst things you need to avoid in life. You’ll both enjoy your marriage with changes from both sides for the better. All the best, Robert.

  12. John from United States says:

    Hello, I am writing today because I am at my wits end. There is much to tell of the sin on both her and my parts. The death of our son less than a year ago has to have contributed to our turmoil. That and the fact that my wife lost her job while in an affair with her supervisor. My hidden drug use and pornography use has shattered her trust in me.

    We have been together since we were 17 years old. We married in ’82 and have had more than our share of break ups. But this one is different in many ways. In our past we never, I mean never, called one another names. Nor did we ever shout or scream at one another. Never were there any threats or physical harm, no domestic violence at all. But that was then. We are both guilty on the shouting and name calling but on one particular occasion I was slapped kicked and punched.

    I don’t say this in hopes of gaining favor, only to show how uncharacteristic we have become to each other. At no time did I fear for my life or safety. But that is exactly what my wife said right before she moved from our home to live with her brother 3 hours away. She has told me that there will be no reconciliation. When I told her that I would not give up and that I was still praying for us, she said “That’s fine, but I’m not, and if you want to continue to talk to me, you will quit thinking you still have a chance, you don’t”.

    She no longer ends our conversations with “I love you”, simply “goodbye”. And those are the conversations that she will allow, mostly my attempts to communicate are ignored. I can’t just show up there and force her to speak to me because then I would be any number of things, a stalker, manipulator, or a control freak. To sit and do nothing while experiencing pain of the loss of a child and pain that is almost it’s equal in the loss of a marriage, is maddening. She was my best friend and I failed her. I know that when all of the layers are peeled back, or if you will, all of the bricks in the wall removed, it will reveal a heart that I trampled on. A gift from God that I took for granted. Please pray for her and what is left of my family.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      Dearest John, Your case has been heard. I am going to take time out and pray for you. My intention is to take your message above exactly as it is to the Hand of God through Jesus exactly as you wrote it. Let us keep our eyes turned onto Jesus that by an extended Hand of grace your marriage may be restored. Seek Jesus and never stop looking to Him for help through all that you are going through. God bless you, your wife and family. I will be praying with you for your family. Stay Blessed

  13. Bill from United Kingdom says:

    I was married 19 years yesterday. But since Feburary 25th this year my wife had me served with a court order, which technically made me homeless that fateful night. Our marriage has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs for 5 years after I admitted to having an emotional affair online with a girl I knew from school on Facebook. The irony is during school we hardly ever spoke and were remotely interested in each other. I love my wife with all my heart, but I’ve betrayed her trust.

    Through the course of five years there has been good times, but also eruptive situations, which time won’t permit me to explain here. Long story short… in January this year we had an exchange of words, which resulted in more arguments. I went to embrace and hold her but she pushed me away and kept covering her face and head as though I was going to hit her or something. That really worried me. It was as though she was told to do this or something. It was a real kick in the teeth as I was only trying to hold her, but instead received this treatment. I was enraged and spat in her face. Within weeks after that I was served with a court order.

    We have been separated for over 4 months without any signs of reconciliation. The court order stipulates that I can’t return to our marital home, I can have no contact with her in any way, but I still have access to our seven children. I had been in a backslidden state for about 6 years and during that time I constantly resisted any attempts from my wife to return from to the Lord, through disparaging and cynical unspiritual arrogance I was displaying that time.

    I since have returned to the Lord for his grace and help. I’ve embraced prayer and church life again, which I neglected for so long to the detriment of the spiritual education and nurture of my family. I detest myself for this. I asked the Pastor and Elder of the church to act as mediators between us but nothing has made her soften her heart toward me. During the last meeting the Pastor and Elder had with her, she told them she had proceeded with divorce proceedings, but has halted the proceedings as she needs to make sure she isn’t sinning in doing so. I was told that she has hardened her heart against me, and the love and trust has gone.

    I acknowledge my apologies are only worthy of their weight in action. But since our breakup, I’ve tried in the limited capacity I have available, to convey that I’m here for my wife and our children. I continually endeavour to be a better husband and father, but my hands are tied and I’m limited and restricted at this present time. I pray she would consider my course of action since I was removed from our home. I didn’t harass, stalk, revile her, or cause others to revile her. I didn’t demand my rights, but rather relinquished them so hers were upheld. I didn’t choose the path that most men would have taken, but instead I chose the ways of peace and of Christ. I showed her compassion, and continually made myself available to her and in all the things she requested from me from the time of break up, whereas countless other men in my situation would have done the complete opposite. Whether or not she has acknowledges my spirit in these things, the Lord certainly does.

    I’ve begged and pleaded to the Lord to forgive my sinfulness and that He would by His Grace redeem my marriage back to its former glory and that we would serve Him as a family again. I fear that my wife is also being groomed online. I feel totally helpless to prevent this. Its a very distressing and heartbreaking situation I’ve found myself plunged into; its harrowing, like mourning a death or worse like that of a kidnapped child. It’s killing me. Every day I feel as I’m experiencing a very slow painful death. The other problem I’m facing is that her family members have interfered and have no regard for Godliness but have other agendas that dissuade her away from me. The longer this separation is prolonged, I fear that she is getting used to the idea of no longer having me around.

    I would sincerely ask all who read of my story to pray to the Lord on my behalf, that God would turn this whole thing around for His glory and that the stranglehold of Satan would be released. I appreciate your prayers and ask for any advice in how to cope with this during this dark time in my life.

  14. Scott from United States says:

    I’ve been with my wife for 3 years. When we began to live together it was in her house. This is a 2nd marriage for both and it has been hard. We fought and she asked me to leave. I said no because I knew my rights so she served me with a protection from abuse order so the police would put me in the streets, which she did. I love her; my heart is smashed. What do I do? If I violate the order it’ll mean jail. Please help.

    • Gary from United States says:

      Go to the hearing and defend yourself against the allegations. Do not contact her. Don’t answer the phone if she calls, dont try to get messages to her through her Mom or sister or friend. If you violate that order your done and then you will need a lawyer. It’s that one sided and that serious. I am sorry to hear your going through that.

  15. David from United States says:

    This is now the 18th Day since my wife told me she no longer loved me, had no feelings for me and wants a divorce. This, after 30 years of marriage and 4 wonderful kids. This, after many years of me:

    * Speaking with harsh words
    * Making her feel like her opinions did not matter
    * Sometimes taking her for granted
    * Not always trusting her
    * Making light of some of her ‘phobia’s
    * Being rude to her in front of the kids now and then
    * Not truly understanding all of her deeds thereby dismissing them.

    The first warning sign was 14 years ago and I promised to be better…and did… but would fall back into old ways. The second warning sign happened 2 years ago when she had an affair… and I fully forgave her. The 3rd warning was 18 days ago.

    She is resolved to go thru with the divorce. I’ve said that I don’t agree with a divorce and would like to jointly go to a priest/counselor BUT will “let her go” and will work to make me a better me and to work with her on the path she has chosen in as positive a way I can so as to minimize impact on our kids, our families and each other.

    I am seeing a counselor; have an appt with a priest and am praying that God will help us get thru this. I truly love my wife and do not want it to end….but I don’t know what else I can do.

  16. Chris from United Kingdom says:

    I have been married for 27 years and together with my wife for 29. I am 55 now. We have 3 wonderful children 19 – 23 years old, the youngest having just flown the nest for University. My wife and I have had ups and downs in our marriage, but 3 or 4 months ago she told me that she didn’t love me anymore. 5 weeks ago she asked for separation and is now intent on divorce with no prospect of reconciliation. I love my wife with all my heart and am devastated and completely heart-broken. I can’t eat, sleep or be motivated to do anything except look at our old photo albums and cry at what I’m losing and the loss of our future together.

    I was planning to retire in 5 years. After we’ve spent our lifetime together working, I was looking forward to an opportunity to reap the rewards and enjoy so many things with my beloved wife… all gone. There is no third party involved and we have been faithful to each other throughout our marriage. I’ve had all the emotions ripping through me over the past few weeks. The most prevalent one is just sadness, sadness for what I’ve lost and sadness for an empty and desolate future. I’m tormented by this emotional roller coaster and effectively paralyzed in thought and action. I wake in the night and I see my wife in everything and everywhere.

    I took myself off alone to France the other day for a few days, hired a car and just drove… but it’s impossible to outrun this pain and anguish. I think if I drove to the ends of the earth, my soul would still be in torment. I’ve spent hours on websites now relating to marriage and divorce and have paid money for various books and downloads, most of little value. I did come across two websites yesterday which have been more illuminating than anything I’ve read so far and had I known the advice and instruction they impart, years ago, I have no doubt that my marriage would not now be ending ( “What women REALLY want: Ten things a man can do to improve his relationship, “What does a woman want by Jenna Ditsch, and ultimate -Reconciliation with a hardened wife. There’s a good podcast with this too). Both of these sites say much the same thing, but this is very different information from most other sites and has helped me enormously. Sadly, it doesn’t make me believe that I’m any more likely to reconcile with my wife who is adamant that she wants divorce. But what it has shown me with the utmost clarity is where we, (but me in particular), went so horribly wrong. The information imparted is a script for living within a marriage and should be mandatory reading before allowing anyone to take their vows!

    I was ignorant of these fundamental differences in interpretation of events and the spoken word by men and women, at least to the extent I now understand. I failed to interpret what my wife has been trying to say to me for so many years, or understand her often critical, accusatory and angry behaviour towards me, which I took at face value most of the time. The result was that we had rows and more recently, I retreated from the battle and withdrew into myself, precipitating a marriage crisis, which has resulted in the disaster now engulfing me. If only I known how better to interpret what was going on, I wouldn’t have made these ghastly mistakes and I believe my wife and I would be happy together, heading towards a happy and peaceful retirement. Having read this information, it was like a veil had been lifted, I felt the happiest I’d been since my wife announced our separation.

    The reasons for this uplift are twofold. One: now I at least understand what I’ve done I can take steps to correct these undoubted faults and give myself the best (although slim) chance at reconciliation with my wife. Two: This is more important really. I can feel for my wife in her pain, now and clearly during many years of our marriage, which was previously manifest and understood by me only as outbursts of rather manic and inexplicable anger towards me. As a result I in no way blame my wife for what has occurred, but I feel so desperately sad that I’ve been such an ignorant, blind, unfeeling fool; my penance will be a lonely future without my darling wife. My wife must have been in such pain and distress for so many years, so unhappy and I let it all wash over me taking much of what she said at face value without considering the deeper meaning. For this reason alone, whilst so unbelievably sad, I feel my wife is entirely justified in her actions and I simply want now for her to be happy.

    I shall help her in any way I can to achieve that and that makes me happier. If her future is with me I shall be the happiest man alive. If it’s without me and ultimately with another perhaps, she’ll at least be happy and keep her heart secure from the one who caused her such anguish, even though I didn’t mean to. Ignorance can be no defence.

    I love my wife and I’m sorry that I’ve hurt her through my neglect of her emotional needs, but I can honestly say that I’ve always loved her throughout and thought that was enough. I was wrong. Little by little her heart hardened against me until she could take no more and is seeking her freedom. I will always love and respect her. I would love to have her back in my life and will try my best with the information that I have recently garnered in what has proven to be the education I never had in how women want and how they deserve to be treated.

    Marriage is a wonderful thing. It’s really the only thing worth having. It is better than money, achievements at work and other material things. Marriage is defined by love, trust and respect for each other. Work hard to keep it healthy. Don’t let it wither and die as I have done. There is ‘hell on earth’ and I’m just entering it.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      This breaks my heart, Chris. I’m so sad for you and for your wife that you didn’t (and for her, that so far she doesn’t) wake up and change things before they go in directions that appear to be irreversible. We want to shout it from the housetops, “WAKE UP… DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET INTO THIS TYPE OF SITUATION.” Over and over again we talk to people, make the web site available, send out weekly marriage tips, post on Facebook and Twitter, and yet this is just a drop in the bucket, as far as inspiring and helping people to work to make their marriages better. And yet for some, it DOES work, where they wake up, read and/or hear something that causes them to have that “ah-hah moment” and they turn their lives around for the better –saving their marriage. For THAT we rejoice. Thank you for sharing those web sites with others here… hopefully, they will help others, as well.

      Chris, I have to tell you how very sorry we are (my husband Steve read your comment too) for the way things are presently going. This is heart-wrenching. I don’t want to give you false hope because sometimes marriages don’t reconcile. But please don’t rule that out completely. We’ve seen some amazing things happen, even years later. Keep learning what you should, and applying what you learn –you never know how much that can help, either now or in the future.

      Also, be careful of not “loving your wife so much” that you totally get out of her way. She MAY or may not know what she’s doing right now in the emotionality of it all. I’ve seen this happen time and time again where the one spouse is sure beyond anything that divorce is the way to go, only to look back with regrets later. Sometimes what we THINK we want, really isn’t –we just got caught up in some kind of brain fog in our reasoning. Your wife may be “justified” (as you tell it) in leaving your marriage, but that doesn’t mean that it’s best for her, after the revelation you’ve had. I’m not telling you to pester her or anything, but perhaps you may consider not getting out of the way quite so easily… just a thought. This is a delicate matter that I’m proposing, so pray about it.

      You don’t say if you are a praying man, but I sure hope so. I encourage you to pray for her (she needs it) and for you (you need it too) –that God will direct you to live your life in the way you should, and perhaps in doing so, she may look at you again… giving you another chance. Ask Him to reveal to you anything that is within that needs to be worked on and cleaned up –not just doing it to win her back, but doing it because it’s the right way to live.

      I pray for you, Chris. My husband and I both prayed for you this morning, and I’m sure we will again (and so will others). We pray that God will minister to your heart, and to your wife’s, and to your marriage. We pray that the lessons you have learned and will learn will be redeemed to help others wake up before they find themselves in this type of situation. I pray somehow, amidst the clouds, that God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart. May He lead you, from this day forward.

      • Chris from United Kingdom says:

        Thanks Cindy. I appreciate your reply. I am on the emotional roller coaster good and proper now. These last two days I really have hit rock bottom. I am just so sad. So sad. Tears come easily but don’t extinguish my sadness. I went to see my in-laws yesterday. I was full of trepidation, but I felt I had to “say sorry” to them both. When I became engaged to my darling wife late in 1986 and when we married in 1988, my father-in-law took my hand and as is traditional, said “look after her”. I went to say how sorry I was that “I hadn’t”. I was an emotional train-wreck. I cried and cried. My in-laws were wonderful. They hugged me and said that I “will always be part of their family, whatever happens”. I hadn’t expected this. I rather assumed that after divorce, both families go their separate ways. They fed me and put up for the night. I feel so much happier having seen them, having made my peace so to speak and to receive their support in this way was quite overwhelming. Having seen them, I remained a tearful emotional wreck all the way home and all day. I can’t quite explain it.. I was much stronger a few days ago (when I wrote my reply above).

        My wife was out until 10:00PM tonight, so we only spoke briefly about one or two mundane household-type things before she took herself off up to her room to bed, on the floor above mine (we’ve agreed to separate in our current house for the time being at least). She’s going away tomorrow (Friday) and for the whole weekend, I presume returning on Sunday evening. I may see her first thing tomorrow and may be for a few minutes on Sunday evening. Oh! I miss her so much when she’s not around. I have no right to ask her where she’s going, what time might she be back, I can’t shop for her, cook for her, or anything for or with her during separation. My heart which was already broken feels so much more fragile day by day.

        I speak with close friends daily, sometimes by phone, at other times we meet at a pub or one of their houses. I see my friends in rotation so as not to wear each one out with talking about my issues! Of course previously I would have discussed things that upset or deeply concerned me with my wife, but that’s no longer an option. My discussions with friends are not enormously helpful, but they do offer a bit of temporary support; the one I want to speak with, really want to speak with, is my dear wife.

        I’ve been keeping a journal of my thoughts during this life-crisis. A log of my mental torment. I’ve been to such dark places, it makes unhappy reading.. My marriage and family life was my life, without it there is no life at all. I am scared of the future and what it will bring when I am on my own. I do not want a pale imitation of my former life. I am at such a low ebb just now; can the tide really go out any further?

        • B from United Kingdom says:

          Dearest Chris, It is with tears in my heart that I read and reply briefly to your story. I’ll get to the point.
          Although you’re currently separated with your wife at least you’re still in the same house. What a tragedy it is to even be separated at all. This is a very dangerous point we’re at, so with that in mind I want to plead with you to put the best fight you can for your wife in prayer. If you don’t pray usually, start praying now Chris, this is seriously important.

          Find a church, which is Bible based upon Jesus. You need to ask Jesus to restore your marriage. The one thing that can change your wife will be prayer Chris. It’s time to spend more time in prayer for your wife to come back to you. You may not realise it but the greatest way you can win back your wife at this point is through prayer.

          And whatever it is, continue to show her love. Just love her. When you get to meet her for however long or briefly it is, just show her love. In your speech especially just let her realise love. I wish you the best in this. I will pray for you. May God Bless, Restore and Keep your marriage.

          • Susan from United States says:

            This is a beautiful answer. The family is God’s masterpiece. Love is the answer.

        • Michael from Australia says:

          Chris … I wish I could meet you …although suffering of another does not comfort me – what you have described is my life right here, right now. Although we can’t help each other – I’ll pray for you tonight. I do however in this screwed up world, wonder if God will hear our prayers through all of the noise in this universe. I know know the whole purpose of me being on earth was to cherish and love my wife with total devotion. Somehow I just got it wrong …and I’ll never forgive myself for wasting a single day with her.

  17. Susan from United States says:

    10 years divorced from a 25 year marriage. I am still mourning from the breakup of our family. Still.

    Everyone supports divorce, no one supports reconciliation. This is so true. I went to numerous Christian counselors, pastors all pointed me towards divorce. I was heartbroken, I was looking for help for restoration and found none. I regret listening to others that would not stand for marriage. I would do anything to have my family back together.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      Dear Susan, Sometimes in life you may lose everything right down to your family, but the one thing you will not lose is Jesus. So what you can do now is to hold onto Jesus and live in Jesus and Jesus in you.

      It is with sad regret that after 25 years of marriage it all broke apart. A lot of marriages have been broken up by bad advice. But please don’t blame yourself or hold this divorce on yourself forever. Seek the forgiveness of God and a way forward after the divorce from God. I know it has been ten years now since the divorce but sometimes we still miss the mark by not going to God again and again for His Plan for our life after mistakes.

      I wish I knew more about your family as in where it is now and what has happened over the past ten years. But, follow me carefully here, if your ex husband is currently by himself single and not married, then I believe there’s hope for a reconciliation with great grace from God. I think if he is single then why not go to God and ask for the grace of reconciliation and then go and ask your exhusband to reconcile and restore your family? Then both of you should always be found in God, in a Church and always studying your Bible together. That is if he’s single. Pray over it.

      There are miracles in life my dear. I’ll brief a true story to you. I have a close friend of mine, he married years back and ended up in a divorce with his wife. They divorced and after ten years they got back together. Now the two are inseparable. Of course after ten years things occurred during the divorce but they found the grace to work around them and they’re back together reconciled.

      I would also like to point out that you’re the best person who knows where reconciliation stands if ever at this point in time with your exhusband. Susan, if you know it’s a no go area then I’m very sorry about that. If you know that he is remarried and with someone else then I’m so sorry. If you know for whatever reason that there can never be reconciliation then I’m sorry. But there is one thing you can still do for your family, you can always pray for them to be well and also be in the Lord always. Always pray for them.

      And very importantly I’d like you to never give up on church or God. I’m sorry you didn’t find pastors who were able to stand and fight for a reconciliation for your marriage before the divorce. Sorry about the bad advice you got. Just continue in a Church based on Jesus, continue in the Lord. I hope you find a good church which follows Jesus and pastors who really know and fully follow the Word and Will of God.

      God bless you Susan. May the peace of God be upon and the grace of the Lord be upon you. May you find fulfillment in Jesus. Take care Susan.

  18. Miranda from United Kingdom says:

    It really is sad when a marriage breaks down. I’ve been married almost 15 years and lived with my husband for only 5 of them. Right from the start (after the wedding), he became verbally abusive to me, emotionally -calling me names, belittling me and criticising me -the way I cooked, cleaned, dressed -you name it. I tried for years to overlook this; prayed constantly for him, our marriage. But slowly my heart became closed off -just as you described -one protective finger at a time.

    We tried counselling, but he stopped when the counsellor tried to get him to look at his behaviour -trying to make it 50/50 with me. We have a beautiful daughter, that’s the only great thing about our union. I told him to leave, which he did almost 10 years ago. I had hoped for a reconciliation, held out my hand, but each time we tried to come back together, he’d be ok for a while, then just trip back into his old ways. I really didn’t want a divorce, because for a long time biblically I thought it was not right -in some ways I still do think that. However, I’m now at the point of saying I’ll go for a divorce; I believe that God will forgive me. I’ve forgiven my husband, but I just cannot live with him; unfortunately and sadly my heart has closed to him. We talk and sometimes laugh, but I don’t trust him with my heart -and really if I can’t do that, then there’s very little we can do to say we can get back together. I’ve wasted too many years.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      Our Father in Heaven, may you bless Miranda with the comfort required for the crises of marriage. Lord grant her the wisdom to know what she ought to do with her marriage. May you give her strength to follow your path in everything decision she has to make in life. And Lord, may You please reward her for her strength and dedication to her marriage over the last fifteen years when she got married. Lord, doubly bless her for her commitment to her marriage even though she has faced great hardships. And Lord, my cry to You is that You reach Miranda’s husband and touch him immediately and make him change his ways for the better now and forevermore.

      Jesus, I plead with you that you turn Miranda’s husband heart to fully love and respect his wife. Lord, we’re now at possibly a last chance to restore and keep Miranda’s marriage using our human natural efforts, so I ask you Jesus, Son of God, to supernaturally touch Miranda’s husband heart and perform a miracle to cause him to now be filled with love and joy and commitment to Miranda his wife. We know that with you Lord that you can make a way where there seems to be no way. Lord, I thank you that you have heard my prayer, In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

      Miranda, that is my prayer for your marriage. You have done such a great job in your marriage. God Bless You. And now whatever you have decided about your husband, I pray that reconciliation restoration now can happen now so that your marriage and family will be preserved. God richly bless you Miranda.

      • Miranda from United Kingdom says:

        Thank you so much for your prayers. It was so heart felt and encouraging to hear someone, a total stranger, to have a heart for my marriage. Thank you again. I really think that we are at the end of the road, but I will continue to trust the Lord, and as you say, with Jesus there is always the possibility of reconciliation. I trust the Lord to direct my path.
        Thank you again, Miranda.

  19. Len from Denmark says:

    After 10 yrs of marriage he just ask for a divorce and he said he is NOT in love with me anymore. I didn’t see it coming for I thought we are having a great marriage. Keep praying that we Will be together again. For I onced asked him from God.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      Father God, In the Name of Jesus, I bow before You Lord, to present into Your Hands Len’s marriage. Ten years of marriage and now the husband has decided to divorce. Jesus, I ask for Your Highest of intervention in this marriage to turn it around and set it back on course to be a marriage for life. Lord, we know that divorce is not from Heaven so I rebuke divorce from Len’s marriage, in the Name of Jesus. Let the thought and talk of divorce be removed and cease immediately from this marriage. Jesus, You are a healer so I ask for Your grace of healing in this marriage. Let there be healing of any issues that have been a problem in this marriage. In marriage Lord I thank You for your grace to fix things and not break the marriage. I ask for your great grace in all areas of Len’s marriage that it will be saved and restored and continued in love.

      And our Lord Jesus, I ask that You touch the mind, heart and soul of Len’s husband. Whatever has caused him to fall out of love and ask for a divorce Lord we ask that you free him from these thoughts and request of divorce. Lord, touch his spirit to see Your purpose of marriage and Your Word on marriage. Help him Lord, to choose the right thing Lord, that is to stay in his marriage to Len and keep their sacred union together. Lord, help us reach his heart and cause him to move away from the idea and want of a divorce.

      Our God Who art in Heaven, I ask that You protect and save Len’s marriage for we know that with You all things are possible so I declare a restoration of Len’s marriage filled with love and happiness In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

      Len, I am very sorry about what you are going through at this point in time in your marriage. Let us keep in prayer for you, your husband and marriage. I cannot type everything sometimes, but I am going to pray for you much for strength, guidance and peace during this time. Just continue with your Bible. It shall be well. God richly bless you, Len.

      • Chris from United Kingdom says:

        The nightmare continues for me, but I’m getting stronger and more accepting. I don’t like the feeling much because it suggests that we and the World around us have agreed to sign off on a lifetime of marriage and simply ‘move on. People get sick, often for long periods, and everyone around works to support and help them until they’ve recovered. Why can’t we be mature enough to do the same with our relationships? At least some time out, some dialogue, some attempt at understanding of what went wrong and assessment as to whether things can be fixed for the future; but in my case, none of that. 29 years together and a few months of difficulty and the relationship goes out the window.

        I remain devastated. I had to explain things to my 19 year old daughter a few days ago after she had returned full of happiness from 4 months traveling abroad. Imagine, having to smash her upbeat, laughing, smiling, joy with those awful words, “Mum and Dad are separating with the intention of divorce”. It broke my heart. How cruel life is. I have three wonderful children, but I can safely say that if I knew 30 years ago that this would be happening to me at my age and stage of life, I would never have married at all.

        This is a tragedy for which there can be no happy ending for any of us. When my children and I are so full of pain and confusion, my wife just talks normally, with no compassion or joy in her voice. She’s dead to us it seems. She doesn’t help around the house or do shopping or cooking for the children anymore and hasn’t done so since she told me 6 weeks ago that she wanted separation. She has said that she has felt smothered by both the children and me. Fair enough with me I suppose, but to abandon the usual motherly chores in respect of her children is a bit rough I’d say.

        We all have to walk on the egg-shells around her. We’re all trying to be nice I suppose, to see if she might change her mind. She’s certainly not going to change her mind any time soon and I doubt ever. She has a beastly counsellor who advises her what to do, including giving her the name of a lawyer to see, who my wife saw when I was abroad, before I even knew of the situation at home. She comes home with a new catch-phrase each week having been to a session and immediately implements some new restriction on our current arrangements ‘because my counsellor said’.

        I’m sad and my mood remains labile. I do have increasing flashes of annoyance and anger at the situation now (in my head, not out loud with my wife or family). I imagine this is just one of the phases of grief that I’m having to endure. In the quiet times, in the night, when the children are not around, I’m so lonely and sad. This is when the tears and the demons come and feed on my soul. I’ve been to such dark places and have been inconsolable with the pain, grief and sadness of all of this. I’ve prayed for it all to end, for my soul to be free. Without my wife and my family, our memories and our futures, I really don’t want my life. It’s difficult to know what to do for the best. I simply cannot understand or process any of this any more.

        • B from United Kingdom says:

          Dearest Chris, It is with sadness and tears that I am left with as I read your story. This is a major circumstance with which we find ourselves at in your marriage. The only thing is to continue to do the right thing in your marriage which is found in the Word of God.

          So Chris, I first have to say that I’m very sorry about this point in your marriage but please don’t look back and think that if you knew all this was going to happen then you would not have married in the first place. Don’t allow that kind of thinking to take root in your thoughts. When you look back thank God for all the good years and blessings you had in your marriage. And also as hard as it is also thank your wife for those very good years of marriage. This is an important thing to do, just always be thankful for everything.

          As for your wife, you have to pray for her. Pray for her that whatever and everything that is causing her to feel this way that she is now. Pray and keep praying that all her negativity and coldness towards her marriage and family stops immediately. I’ll be praying with you Chris, and I am sure everyone reading your story will be praying for you and your wife and your children.

          Chris, Sometimes I’ve realised that the moment the other realises the problems they’re causing in marriage, the other half in the marriage also shuts off at that point. So as in your case, the moment you realised where you were going wrong, your wife also shut off. Now why I have mentioned this is because I ask you to be patient with her as you wait in hope that she’ll turn back her heart to her marriage and family. With time, hopefully not too long, she may also realise where she has gone wrong and comes back to the marriage and you. I pray she comes back soon and doesn’t see this divorce through that she wants. And as you wait, keep loving her and praying for her.

          Now also Chris, I’m not sure where you stand with the Bible but this is the time to find it and live in your Bible. You really need to seek dependence on your Bible. I also urge you to watch the 700 Club on TBN or anywhere on your channels. Play some gospel music throughout the night as you sleep. I also urge you to study 2 Corinthians 1 in your Bible. That’s an important chapter for you right now. Please read it.

          You also need to find a mentor, someone who can continuously talk to you at this time. A pastor from a Church or someone Bible based. You need to have some people who are ever at hand to talk to when you’re at those very low points.

          And please turn your eyes and life to Jesus. The fact that you say that you really don’t want your life if you don’t have your wife etc. shows that you have not put Jesus first in your life and without putting Jesus first in your life even all attempts to save your marriage may possibly not work either. You need Jesus and always remember you live for Jesus and put Jesus first in your life.

          We’ll be praying for you and your wife and your children. I pray that your marriage will be reconciled and restored. I really want your marriage to be everlasting.

          God Bless You Chris. May be Lord be with your family, you, your marriage, your wife and also especially with your children. Keep writing on this website so that we can help each other wherever we can. Many people are here on this website praying for you and listening to you. Thank you.

          • Chris from United Kingdom says:

            Thank you for your kind words B. I have prayed to the Lord, beside my bed, in my car, in church and I have written prayers to the Lord in my journal and even as “notes” on my phone. I’ve read many passages of the scriptures and I listen to choral music from King’s College chapel, Cambridge, which I find up lifting.

            My wife remains steadfast in her desire for our separation to continue and is planning to move out of our marital home of these past fifteen or so years into a small flat, at the beginning of October, once our children have returned to University. It is all gathering momentum and I have no control over any of it. I can honestly say that I have never felt as helpless, or indeed as alone, as I feel right now. I see my wife daily, but I can’t touch her or hug or comfort her.

            It is almost surreal, talking to someone who has the power to heal my hurt, someone I took my vows with all those years ago, the mother of our three wonderful children, but someone who has no feelings for me, someone who is almost excited with the prospect of moving out on her own, someone who is prepared to discard 29 years of our lives and memories, not to mention our futures and those of our children.

            I am struggling to get my head around any of it. It had been nearly two months since my wife told me. Things are no easier. Why can’t I get through to her? Why are my prayers not being answered. I would make any sacrifice to have her back, to change our ways and live fulfilling, contented and happy lives. I love my wife. I love her as I have always loved her. Please help me win her heart again. If the Good Lord could find it in his heart to hear my prayers, I will try and be a model parishioner always. Help me please! C.

  20. Lisa from United States says:

    Praying for these women. They don’t know what they have. My husband has repeatedly tried to leave me even filing for divorce a few months ago. Such a romantic notion that there are men willing to fight for their wives and marriage.

    • Chris from United Kingdom says:

      Lisa, I’m sorry to hear that. Stick with it if you love him and seek help wherever you can find it. I continue to strive to save my marriage and to turn my wife around. We’ve had an enjoyable couple of weeks with our children around and at times life has been so ‘normal’ it just hurts so much when my wife continues to live in a separate room, to indulge in independent activities not only away from me but from our children, to have outbursts of anger, which upset everyone including our children ending up in tears and seem to me to put all the hard work of relationship rebuilding, back weeks or months.

      It’s genuinely the roller-coaster ride from hell, with no guarantee that it will come to a safe or happy conclusion. I still love my wife with all my heart. When she is sad or distressed it hurts me so much that I cannot comfort her and help with her pain. I’m three months or so into this and our separation and my wife’s resolve for divorce still consumes me day and night. I love her; I simply love her. Nothing else really matters. I shall do absolutely everything in my power to mend things between us, to change her heart, but also support her in what I realise is a horrible time for her too. I could not face a future with no hope for us at this stage. Maybe as time passes, I’ll become more accepting, but I cannot do that just now. I have to win her back…

  21. Rebecca from Australia says:

    Hi, My husband and I have been separated for almost a year and he wants a divorce and wants to move on (chances are has found someone). He has been looking after our kids during the separation while I turned to drugs, tobacco and treated him really bad. I even denied and doubted God during a tough time. My heart is breaking as I know I came into the marriage with a lot of baggage and have been a disrespectful wife. (I’m not surprised he wants out.) He holds a high position in the church and is willing to give it up for this divorce. Please pray for him as a leader. And me too; I need to know the love of Jesus. I need tips, Bible verses, anything that can help my walk with God and for his guidance and strength on what to do next. As I am pushing him away more and more.

    • Chris from United Kingdom says:

      Dear Rebecca, I’m so sorry to hear of your anguish. It seems to me that the world is filling with lost and broken souls such as yours and mine. Most of us just want a second chance. A chance to repent, to make amends. To save our marriages, our families, our lives. There is perhaps little forgiveness in the World these days. I’m so sad to hear of all these broken hearts everywhere. I wish you and your family all the love and luck in the World. I hope you can make up with your family and that the sun shines on you all, together again in love. I enclose the most famous biblical text all about love. Oft spoken, but nevertheless rather uplifting. Chris.

      1 Corinthians 13 ►

      If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

      If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

      If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

      Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

      Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

      Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.

      When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

  22. Rebecca from Australia says:

    Hi Chris. Thanks for your comment on my post; I’m assuming it was you. There’s an audio book I listen to called Love & Respect by a man named Emerson Eggerichs. It may be helpfull in your situation.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      Rebecca, If I may please just add on a reply to your issue. You see you have really made a great step in your marriage. By actually coming to realise the problems, which you have caused you have really made a great leap to deal with the situation. When you look at the mirror and look at yourself that is one of the very keys required to begin reconciliation and restoration of any areas gone wrong in life.

      Now my prayer is that you get back whole again in the love of Jesus. Let us deal with your past. You say you brought a lot of baggage to the marriage when you got married. You need to take all your past and lay it upon Jesus. You can do it Rebecca. I ask you to go and study the few Bible Verses here: Matthew 11:28-30; Galatians 5:1; John 8:36. These verses will teach you about laying your past on Jesus. There’s so much freedom you shall receive when you truly do this.

      The next thing you need is to PLEASE study the book of Jonah. Read that whole book in the Bible and study the book of Jonah. There are so many study materials and books written for the study of this book on the Internet. The reason you need to study this is that it will show you the importance of stopping from running away from Jesus or pushing Jesus away from your life. You shall have many revelations as you study this book. I suggest you take a minimum of three months researching and studying the book of Jonah.

      You know throughout the trial Job faced in his life. Not once did he deny God or stop trusting God. If you can, read the book of Job too. Whatever happens in life keep your hold in Jesus Rebecca. Never let go of believing and having faith in God. If you let go of Jesus then every battle has been lost right there. Live in Jesus and let Jesus live in you.

      Let’s touch on the issue of your taking drugs, tobacco and treating your husband badly. Rebecca, what you sow is what you reap and this is the fact of life. During your time of separation from your husband it’s a time to let you find God and know God and apply God’s Word to your life. You realised God but you chose to go after drugs and tobacco. As a result you also treated your husband badly more. You see what I’m saying, you reap what you sow. You sowed drugs and tobacco and as result you reaped anger which in turn you took out on your husband. But let me now remind you of something. We have all fallen short at some point in our lives and done wrong things even I. But let me tell you when we go to Jesus we find forgiveness, cleansing and restoration. I found this in Jesus and even more. So, Rebecca completely turn away from the tobacco and drugs. This will allow Jesus to also find room in your life and restore you wholly. You will do very great Rebecca in Jesus.

      Also it’s now time to make changes and treat your husband right. Treat him good, respect him even at this point you are in your marriage, you can start now. It’s never too late to start a good thing. It shall be well. Make sure and join a Church, which firmly believes in Jesus. I suppose you go to the same Church as your husband. If so, find people to help you in your walk with Jesus and have Bible study with them. When you talk to your husband, encourage him to continue his service for God. If you can and your husband is okay with it, find ways to support him in his walk with God and services to God.

      Lastly, Rebecca don’t wait until it’s too late to fully commit yourself to Jesus. Do this now please. Rebecca, a lot has been jeopardised already by walking away and outside of Jesus. Please don’t wait until you have lost everything and it is too late; give your life to Jesus now.

      God richly bless you Rebecca. We will be praying for you and your husband and most importantly your children too. You can and will do great, Rebecca. Thank you for your time.

  23. Rob from United States says:

    A week ago today my wife came home and started loading all of her things up in trash bags stating she can’t do this anymore. We’ve been married 5 years. We’ve experience the fullness of The Lord and miracle after miracle in our lives.

    At first I washed her with the word. I prayed with her and over her diligently and fervently. Almost 2 years ago we watched a hospital kill my mother. I got so numb and it hurt everyone in the family. We all were effected by this and brought to our knees. I lost my zeal my focus my heart was calloused. I slipped and started doing just the minimum biblically. I wallowed around in this for way too long.

    I see now after I’ve repented and have stayed praying and fasting in my own war room praying the glory down and interceding for my wife’s soul where things went wrong on my part. I’ve begged her to see that in just 7 days The Lord has been doing a huge work in me and her prayers are being answered as this has started. I’ve begged her to open her heart and see in the supernatural that this isn’t right and not of The Lord.

    She’s still closed off to the idea of restoration. However she’s seeking Him and wants to have a better relationship with him like it was when we were first married. This has been a full on attack of the enemy. My heart is broken daily.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      Dear Rob, Firstly, I’m so sorry about the loss of your mother. This has been understandably so hard on you. My condolences. May God bless her soul.

      Secondly, to address your marriage problem at this point where it’s from your description I think it’s urgent that you and your wife immediately go for marriage counselling and also a marriage retreat. Seek very good counselling and ask your wife to come along too. I think also it would be appropriate to involve your pastor and Church in the matter as soon as possible. Have some Godly people interceeding and supporting both you and your wife. This an urgent step required.

      Thirdly, you say that you have changed and realised where you went wrong. That is very very good. Now you need to continue showing your wife that you’ve changed for the better and also you need to maintain and be consistent in your changes, Rob. From your post above I also sense your wife is also hurting over all this. You need to show her great love and support as she is trying to figure out herself and what to do. She will need that especially from you. Love her continuously and help her whichever way you can as much as possible.

      You say family was also affected by your numbness after your mother passed away. You also need to show them your changes too. Show them how you are now working for the betterment of yourself and for everyone involved including your wife. It is important to do this for all family involved.

      Also, if it possible to any extent explain again to your wife and any family the reasons for why you went numb for a while. I know it has been really hard on you Rob. It is expected. I’m very sorry for your loss. Maybe your family doesn’t really understand how it impacted you and it could bring good to share with them how you felt and why you went numb for a while. After you do that you then need to apologise for all the negative things your numbness caused to both your wife and all the family.

      Continue praying and seeking the Lord, Rob. Never let go of Jesus. May the Blood of Jesus be upon your marriage and home. May there be a reconciliation and restoration of your marriage and with your family. I will pray for you, your wife and your family. May the Hand of the Lord be upon you. God Bless You, Rob.

  24. Edwin from Australia says:

    I married a devout Catholic lady in 1999 and became a Catholic myself several years later, largely because I was impressed by the positive impact that her faith had in her life and in our marriage. Unfortunately my mother-in-law managed to convince my wife that the solution to all of my wife’s problems was to divorce me. We have three beautiful children who are, like me, devastated by my wife’s decision to break up our family. My wife has said that she will file for divorce next month, after 15 years of marriage and one year’s separation.

    I would recommend that abandoned spouses read the following book: Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis, by Dr James Dobson. It explains how the abandoning spouse reduces his/her guilt by blaming the abandoned spouse for the marriage breakdown, and the resulting impact on self-esteem of the victim.

    The following book is also useful: The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage, by Michele Weiner Davis. To get an idea of the author’s approach, there is a channel on Youtube: Telephone counseling is also available at It’s quite expensive but I found it to be very helpful. Good luck!

  25. Phil from United States says:

    I am a 56 year old man married to a wonderful woman for 25 years. I have been controlling and dragged her thru the mud with an obscession about moving. Specifically, I cannot seem to settle down and when I do, I continue to search for the “perfect home”, never finding it. I have done this for 20 years, causing her great pain. Now her heart is hardened to me and she wants a divorce. I feel in most other ways we have had a decent marriage but I hurt her with my indecision and obsessions. We are still together but in separate bedrooms for about 7 months now. We still talk but clearly, she is done with me. Please any advice would be appreciated.

    • B from says:

      Dearest Phil, Sometimes in life we all go through moments when we don’t realise that we have it all already and keep searching for something that we already have. Unfortunately, when that happens, we actually mistreat that, which we have already in search of the that thing we don’t realise we already have. In your case you’ve spent a very long part of your marriage in search of the perfect home, without realising that you had your wife which was actually the perfect home.

      Okay, so after all that has taken place in your marriage, how do we remedy the situation. I’m going to attempt to give you a few points which I hope will work and see your marriage to restoration.

      1) You need to find and join a Jesus believing church. Phil, Jesus is what you will need to restore your marriage. So importantly firstly find a church, if you are in one already that is great.

      2) You need to apologise to your wife for all that you’ve done and caused in your marriage. Explain to her why you did it and apologise for not acknowledging the pain it caused her.

      3) You need to find extra curricula activities your wife and you can join in the area you are in now. Take the time to explore your area with your wife. You need to prove to her that you’re now settled in the area permanently, make some commitments to the area such as being part of the council volunteers group or so etc. Things that you can make time for without burdening your marriage.

      4) If possible find marriage counseling for you and your wife. A church pastor or a church organisation or department focused on marriage can help you very much. Be very careful whom you choose to counsel your marriage. Choose people who support continuing in a marriage for life.

      5) Find married couples in your area and do activities with them. Take time with your wife to join married couples groups and participate in them.

      6) Study God’s Word always. Read your Bible and practice it. Seek the Word of God for you in this difficult time you are facing.

      7) Buy books on how to have a good marriage. Books that show you how improve your marriage and be a better husband. Read these books and apply the principles to your marriage.

      8) Show your wife love continually. Continue to do everything you do including your wife in it regardless of whether she participates or not. Don’t push her to participate either. Just let her know what you’re doing for both of you and let her choose to participate or not even though you included her. For example ask her to go for a movie, buy two tickets, give her the other one and let her choose if she wants to join or not. Never, never Phil, do things for yourself only at this point in your marriage, always do things for both of you. Really important.

      9) Patience is really going to be required in winning your wife back, so make sure you practice and understand a lot of patience.

      10) Prayer is very required and very important right now, so please pray for reconciliation and restoration of your marriage everyday.

      11) Find out your wife’s interests and participate in those activities and things she likes doing.

      Those are a brief of some things you need to do. And try not move again unless it is mandatory and you have talked it with your wife and agreed on it. I really wish you all the best in your marriage restoration and I will be praying much for reconciliation of your marriage. I’ll pray much for your wife. Study the Bible as much as possible with you wife. Talk about Jesus in your conversations with her. God bless you, Phil.

  26. Andy from Australia says:

    I am touched by all these stories of men and women wanting to reconcile with their spouse. It gives me strength reading everyone’s story because there is so little support for hurting spouses like us out there.

    I’m in the same boat. Six months ago I found that my wife was having an emotional affair with a man she met online. I confronted her about it and she admitted to the affair. I should have been strong then and told her to cease all contact. Instead she threatened to take the kids and leave if I stopped her from talking to him. I was scared of losing her so I didn’t put up much of a fight. I’ve confronted her on many occasions about her relationship with him and she has always maintained that they are “just friends” now. I find this hard to believe because since I found out about the affair, she has no shame in arranging private talk time with him every Sunday night. She has even admitted that this is her “me time” and for me to just “deal with it”. That is our current situation. Not only am I battling to save my marriage but I have to contend with the fact that she is addicted/obsessed with another man who makes her feel happy and alive again.

    The truth of the matter is that like many of the men on here, I too engaged in sin (pornography), which lead my wife to slowly shutdown over the past ten years of our marriage. It’s not my wife’s fault that she has fallen to sin too in order to find happiness and seek the emotional connection that I wasn’t providing. I take all the blame for our current situation.

    Since I found out about my wife’s affair six months ago, she has totally shut down on me and won’t even let me near her or touch her hand. She says she no longer loves me. Prior to that I guess she was still living the lie and we had some form of intimacy. I don’t know what I regret more – having her pretend that she loved me and having the intimacy still there OR finding out about her affair and now having no intimacy where we live more like room mates.

    My wife’s heart has hardened and I too think that only God can soften her heart. I was never a religious man but I have started to pray more to God to guide me. I know God doesn’t do miracles but I really have no where else to turn. I love my wife and have told her that I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage and keep my kids from growing up in a broken home.

    I’m so torn. I’ve read so many marriage books and articles and watched hours of “how to save your marriage” youtube clips and they all say the same thing and that is to be patient and give it time. I guess what hurts the most is that every few weeks my wife will tell me that “nothing has changed”. Her new favorite thing so say to me of late when talking about reconciling our marriage is -“this ship has sailed”. Sometimes I cheer myself up by saying that she is just saying this out of anger but I know my wife and I know it will take a miracle for her to turn her heart around and give me another chance.

    I want to say to all the other men and women hurting out there -be strong, be positive, give it time and be patient. Continue to pray to God for guidance and to help soften your spouse’s heart. Please pray for me too. Good luck to all.

  27. Barb from United States says:

    I am a woman in similar situation and sinned greatly. My husband’s heart is less than an apple core and hardened toward me. Though I did the “wifely” cooking, cleaning, kids stuff I see this wasn’t enough. I was closed, controlling, snippy, angry, and not joyful. Now 15 years later and fights in between, my husband, is leaving. He’s a very, very good man, which I pushed to the breaking point. I’ve been making changes and am trying to demonstrate improvements but he has said the ship has sunk.

    Though I believed in God I did not show or represent it. I’ve been reading the Bible and released it to God. I’ve cried to the point of no tears coming out. I know we both have faults but my contribution was 99% in this result. I understand that I need to change and am. My hope was God’s plan was a slow rebuild but through various conversations I understand and is unlikely. I’m placing my faith completely in God to be the best person I can be, show my children affection, and have a simple happy life wherever that ends up.

    I have accepted that God will decide and only pray that my husband forgives me in time. I wish I had realized this and understood this years ago. Tomorrow is a new day and I pray for strength; while God’s will persevere. The hurt for both of us is deep and it can happen by women too.

    • B from United Kingdom says:

      How are you Barb? It always brings tears to my eyes when I hear about divorce, family break up or marriage breakdown.
      So, I am not going to say too much, but a brief response to your story seems to be sufficient.

      Firstly, you say that through various conversation you now understand that your husband coming back to the marriage and restoration of your marriage is highly unlikely. What ‘various conversation’ is this from /with? The one thing we need to do is to only believe what the Word of God says. With God all things are possible and God can make a way where there seems to be no way. Believe the Word of God on restoration. Your marriage can be restored. Do not believe on what ‘various conversation’ tells you, but what the Word of God says.

      Keep up with reading your Bible and seeking the will of God in your marriage. You are doing very well at the moment from your story. Let us agree to keep seeking and praying to God that He softens the heart of your husband and that your husband finds it in his strength to forgive you for all that you have done. Also find it in your heart to forgive your husband too for some of the issues which have taken place. Also find it in yourself to forgive yourself for your actions in the past and most importantly ask God for forgiveness for your harmful actions whatever they are in your marriage in the past.

      Now my dear, I ask that we aggressively plead for the grace of God for the restoration of your marriage. What is required in your marriage right now is the grace of forgiveness most highly, together with the grace of reconciliation and restoration.

      Finally, I understand where you and husband find yourselves at the moment in your marriage, but my plea is that we would remember that divorce is a serious unfortunate step in life that we need to make sure that all steps to reconcile a marriage are exhaustively sought before even reaching the point of divorce. Let us pray and keep seeking restoration in your marriage.

      I pray that your husband is able to forgive you and come back to your marriage together. In the meantime continue in your walk in the Lord and changing for the better in the Lord in every area of your life, especially your position and role as a wife. Hopefully your husband shall quickly realise that you have changed for the better for good and come back to the marriage.

      And remember even if the progress of change is slow in you, remember that you are doing very well as long as you keep working on it. You have actually done so great thus far. I wish you all the best and restoration and reconciliation in your marriage. God Bless You Barb.

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