“I’m trying everything I can, but my wife just won’t consider reconciling our marriage.”
“I’m doing all I know how to do, but my wife still wants a divorce.”
“My family is split apart, but my wife says ‘no’ to working on reconciling.”
Those are just three of many statements we’ve heard here at Marriage Missions, where the husband is seeking to restore and rebuild their broken marital relationship. Despite their outreach to her, the wife will have no part of it.
They ask us for help and to be perfectly honest, we often aren’t sure how to help them. First off, Steve and I are not Marriage Counselors —we’re Marriage Educators. And many of these types of couples need more help than we can give them. When you’re talking about deep-seeded problems, have been going on a long time before they approach us, it’s seldom something that can be resolved with an obvious solution.
Good Starting Point for Reconciling
But I’ve done some digging into coming up with at least SOME type of “answers” for husbands, hoping they will be a good starting point. When a person feels they are drowning ANYTHING of any substance is better than nothing. This is true, at least, for the immediate moment. And that is what I’m offering here —something of substance to help you in your immediate desperation.
You will need to work through this journey together with God to see how He helps you to unravel this complicated situation. It may or may not end up with the result you desire. However, who knows? It may end up better. I don’t know. But when God is invited in, you can be sure that you will find a place of peace, at some point in time. And it will be the best solution that you can grasp, given the fact that we live in a fallen world. With the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor,” you have more going for you than any other way you could ever go.
That doesn’t mean that God won’t use other human counselors and advisors to help you at some point, but as the familiar term goes, “He’s got your back.”
The Bible says in Proverbs 30:21-23:
“Under three things the earth trembles…” One of those three things is “an unloved woman who is married.” You may be screaming inside that you WANT to show her love and are willing to do what it takes to give it to her. But for some reason her availability to receive your love is slammed shut.
I don’t know if it is your fault, her fault, the fault of “the perfect storm” of emotions all tangled up, sin run amuck, and/or someone else’s fault. But whatever it is, it is. It’s best to work with what is, rather than work in denial of the truth. It’s important to work with what you CAN do, rather than what you wish you could do. Denial will take you to a dead end, as far as getting any positive results in reconciling with her again.
I’m going to present an article for you to read, to pray over and consider. It may or may not be for you. Or there may be parts, which the Holy Spirit may use to speak to and help you. It’s the gleaning process, in action.
Start With Prayer
Please read through it. Then ask the Lord to help you to keep your mind open to what He wants you to know. A good prayer for you to sincerely express to God is:
“Search me O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139:23-24)
Next:
There IS a reason your wife’s spirit is closed off to you. It may be one or many or all of the reasons I pointed out earlier. However, you need to know that it didn’t happen overnight. It may seem to you that it did because of how it all came down. But in reality, it has been closing off to you for a while and it just now came to a final closure —one that opened your eyes to the final door slamming shut.
Closed Spirit
A number of years ago, I heard Dr Gary Smalley talk about the process of how a spouse’s spirit closes. He showed an open hand with all of the fingers splayed wide apart. He likened the heart being in the place of the palm of the hand. It’s the soft part of who they are and very vulnerable when nothing is protecting it.
And then he gave examples of different “events,” which can cause a spouse to close a protective finger over their heart. Because of these events, they felt too vulnerable to being hurt again by the “offending” spouse. Sometimes confession and repentance opens the fingers again. But sometimes, the offended spouse never opens up in the same way ever again.
He then showed that sometimes a spouse has been hurt so much over time. The result was that he or she will completely close off in spirit, from the other spouse. The hand looks like a closed fist. There is no part of that “heart,” which is open and vulnerable to the way you can approach it. And sometimes it never opens again.
In his book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late
He wrote:
Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife’s spirit when you:
• Speak harsh words.
• Tell her that her opinions don’t matter.
• Act unwilling to admit when you are wrong.
• Take her for granted.
• Make jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense.
• Show that you do not trust her.
• Force her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with.
• Act rude to her in front of others.
• Dismiss her needs as unimportant.
Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you’ve done to close her spirit.
We consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives’s spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don’t realize they’ve offended their wives.
And one day the husband comes home to find his wife’s spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like a sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!
If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him.”
Gary goes on to then state the following:
“Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you —who may find yourself with a closed sow bug, instead of an an open wife, feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit.”
I realize THAT’S what you are trying to do. Dr Smalley’s book gives you some ideas, which you may find helpful. They have worked for many husbands. They haven’t worked for others, but you never know until you pray, read, and see if God is leading you that way. For this reason, you may want to obtain the book to consider his advice.
I want to give one more illustration, before I move on from this point. I’m hoping it will help you to see what could have happened with your wife. It was written by someone named Camain, who asked for prayer on the Internet for his wife’s hardened heart.
Referring to his wife, he wrote the following:
“Someone said that she is really hurt, and you’re right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that. But it’s the little things that have added up over the years. Each of those little things was a brick in a wall. Little by little with time being the mortar, that wall has gotten big and hardened.
“At first I tried to bang myself against it, repetitively hitting it. I can’t break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and perseverance. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I’m trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage. No matter how big or small, I’m trying to ask for forgiveness of them, and stop doing them.”
I can’t help but think of “the earth trembling” because of a wife who feels “unloved” so she closes her spirit, walled off from being open to her husband again —at least, not at this point.
True, we don’t know the circumstances. And true, sin is involved somewhere —you can count on it. But nonetheless, her spirit is closed.
A Helpful Article on Reconciling
I came across an article, which I referred to earlier, believing you will benefit from reading it. I’m hoping that at least SOME of what the author, Reb Bradley has written will help. At the end of this article, he offers additional resources. I need you to know that I don’t know much about Reb or his resources. As a result, I can’t really recommend them. That is up to you.
All I can say is that I saw a lot of credibility in what I was able to read and glean. I encourage you to prayerfully consider all God shows you, for your situation. Below is the Familyministries.com link to this article.
Please read:
• RECONCILIATION WITH A HARDENED WIFE
Above all, I hope that your ultimate goal goes beyond reconciling with your wife. If that is the case, your “solutions” will be most likely be temporary, when and if you do. Ultimately, I hope your ultimate goal is to go to GOD and make sure your life is clean. Do not give your wife added “excuses” as to why she could remain closed in her spirit in reconciling with you.
Also, realize that giving forgiveness and reconciling the marriage are two separate steps. Your wife may have much, which she needs to forgive you for, and much that she needs to surrender to the Lord. But that does not mean that she will seek reconciling with you as husband and wife again. If she doesn’t feel safe with you (physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.
Live For God
I can’t account for her actions, and neither can you. This is between her and God. You will need to come to the place where you will live for God, EVEN IF your wife doesn’t join you in marriage again. Are you a man of God who can live like this? Are you a man after God’s own heart?
If you are, and you are sincere, then there is hope for you that you can be reconciled to God AND to your wife. But I don’t know what your wife will do.
I do know though, that God wants to work in and through your life. He wants to do this whether your wife comes back to you or not. It is my sincerest hope you will participate with Him in this mission.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Save My Marriage
(UNITED KINGDOM) Hi, me and my wife have been together 16 years, married 6 years, and have a lttle boy who is 3 and a half years and one and a half. Months ago she told me that she no longer loved me in the way she used to, and that for years I have been saying horrible things to her about her weight and that my paranoid thoughts for when she was going out with friends have all gotten to be too much and she finds me too controlling.
We decided to make a change and try for our relationship. For 3 weeks things were going in what I thought was a good direction, but then it came to her going on a night out and and I turned in to Mr Paranoid again and acted silly and jealous, which started the thoughts again. With that, she told me she wanted to split up and it was serious and I was very upset and went out for some time on my own and did not know where to go.
Something told me church would be a good place to go. I’m not (or was not) a religious person. I sat outside for a good while and felt very alone but then something gave me a bit of strength and made me feel different and made me make decisions more clearly. I went back home and discussed with my wife what she wanted to do. She said that maybe time apart would make the feelings go and make her heart grow stronger for me. So I decided that I would give her space and moved in with a friend from work. I have never been in so much pain and work became unbearable. After a couple of days I just knew the situation was all wrong and that was not what I wanted, one for being away from home, and two this will not change her thoughts of the bad things I had done. I was scared that if I confronted her she may tell me something I didn’t want to hear but that is no way to carry on. So I phoned and stayed calm and for the first time we talked properly about our feelings and didn’t keep getting upset every time.
She told me the thoughts she had about me and that was good for her and me. I’m back home now and my wife has decided to come to marriage guidance with me, although she doesn’t feel any different about me and maybe it’s the wrong decision being at home so close. I really don’t know. I need to get help with my thoughts so that I can be strong. I feel that church is helping but have never spoken to any one there.
(USA) 27 years of marriage -best friends -great family life -both employed with respectable employers -2 great achomplished children -wonderful extended family. The day after our 27th anniversary my wife says she isn’t happy; I don’t have enough drive, ambition and not assertive. No indication in the past we were on this path.
I still love my wife and pray to be the best person I can be. If given any opportunity I would take her back in an instant. Our divorce was final 5 months to the day of telling me she was unhappy. Our children -both over 20 years old are devastated and wish we could work things out. Both sides of the family were shocked and could not believe what had transpired. Could it be a midlife crisis? Please pray for US.
(USA) For Gerry, I really feel compelled to say something here to you. Of course you didn’t elaborate on any attempts to reconcile before the divorce was finalized but your wife spelled out the problem for you: no ambition and not assertive. How did you not catch that? You clearly didn’t assert yourself or you would still be with her. This is assuming she was a nice person and hadn’t had an affair.
To spell it out for you, she wanted you to passionately chase her. On the contrary, you were probably somewhat passive. I don’t know of any woman who finds passivity attractive in a man. God knows you didn’t woo her that way in the beginning. Perhaps you did give it your all but if it didn’t match what you did when you first tried to get her. As a woman, I can say for certain that you just didn’t try hard enough. I could be wrong but sadly I don’t think I am.
(USA) My heart has grown hard. I have considered leaving my husband. We have had difficulties before that we worked through but for the last year due to his work shift I have had to raise the children (2), keep house and work 2-3 jobs to pay additional bills and support the kids’ needs. I have become resentful. He has been absentee, wastefully spent money and has heaped additional responsibilities on me. I have felt overwhelmed and alone.
He is now on a better shift but it is hard to open myself up to the possibility that things will change. I almost feel like it is too late. I am almost too tired to try anymore from trying to meet the needs of everyone else. I don’t even know who I am anymore or feel like I have an identity of my own. I have prayed and continue to pray for our marriage and family but I am struggling to keep hope.
(USA) Meredith, Please read His Needs, Her Needs
by Dr Bill Harley. And visit the forum at marriagebuilders.com.
(USA) Today my wife of 29 years makes four months that she moved out saying she needed time for herself. She has hardened her heart towards me. She comes and stays days at time with me as a loving wife. But she ends up getting mad at me and starts bringing up all of my faults, saying that I’ll never change that I’m the same jealous person. The other night her phone keep ringing and she wouldn’t answer it. So the next morning when she was in the shower I checked her phone. I ended up telling her because I felt so guilty. And I didn’t want to be lying anymore. Instead of moving ahead I moved 10 steps back.
By no means am I faultless. For I cheated, treated her badly, and never trusted her. But there isn’t anything I wouldn’t forgiver her for. She has to be the most loving and forgiving soul that I know. I have no reason or has she ever given me a reason to believe that she ever been unfaithful in anyway. She tells our grown children that she still loves me and there isn’t anyone else. But she not ready to come home. She has her apartment and works. But we think that she’s going through Menopause. She seems distant and depressed. And she has high blood pressure and diabetes, and won’t go to the doctor. She only worries about hair growing thin and her wrinkles.
Please pray for this lovely child of God and for me to keep growing to be the man that God wants me to be. I pray that the Lord of lords, King of kings would heal her beautiful soul and me so that we can live to grow together. Lord, hear my prayer. Thank you for your prayers.
(USA) My wife has a hardened heart that I have contributed over the years. A while back I was not having a physical affair but I was cheating on my wife emotionally with a coworker. I promised her it wouldn’t happen again and she forgave me but never fully trusted me.
Recently, I took it upon myself to start conversations with this coworker again and it really doesn’t matter, but I got caught. My wife told me to leave but I don’t want to. I want to right what I have wronged. I really don’t know what to do but through my inaction I have pushed her away. Deep down I love her with all my heart and I know that she loves me. Please pray for her so that her heart softens slowly. I just want the opportunity to make her fall in love with me again and not taking her for granted.
(USA) Sir, I will not pray that your wife’s “heart softens.” How dare you insist that your adultery is her responsibility! You need to take responsibility for your actions sir. To begin with you should never speak to this woman again.
Your wife is wise in not trusting you. It was a mistake to continue working with her after you started an affair with her, and tried to end it the first time.
A better post may be: “please pray for me; that I will be a better husband and show care and love for my wife and have high boundaries around the opposite sex.”
(UNITED KINGDOM) If we have all done the best we can and cleared any things that are playing on our conscience, which is a hard thing because the sub conscience is hard to find then you’ve done your best and only destiny can take over. Trying too hard can be the worst thing and changing yourself for someone else is not going to be a good move. You have to be happy in yourself. Your partner will make her own discussion and will have to live with that. You have not giving up on her but that is the situation you are in and you cannot change that. But know you have done your best.
And to the people who have given up on marriage, love is not perfect and you have to try stick with it. No person is perfect.
(U.S.) I have changed within myself, that which caused my wife and I to part. I study God’s word every night and read books about problems I’ve had. A major problem with me is I need to stand up to my former wife. I really need to learn to do this. It will help us. Thank you, Andrew
(USA) Former wife problem? Stop talking to her. Research “parallel parenting” (I assume you talk to her because you have children.) Make drop offs at neutral locations. There is usually no need to speak with an ex spouse.
(PHILIPPINES) Hi, i’ve been married for 35 yrs. My husband has been repeatedly cheating since we’re on our 2nd yr of marriage. I’ve been keeping this from our family, siblings & friends until just recently I’ve decided to call it quits. I’m struck by this, which says we don’t need to have love for a marriage to work because it’s the covenant that we should keep for a marriage to work. With this am now thinking of giving my husband another chance. I just wonder how I could do this. I’ve talked to him and am willing to forget for as long as he’ll tell me the truth, admit & be sorry. Never did he say sorry for all the cheatings he has done. This we (w/ children) hope to hear from him. We’re both 59 yrs of age & I can’t imagine ourselves growing old all by ourselves in separate places. I am really praying this marriage be saved. Please help me pray.
(USA) Ma’am, he doesn’t respect you enough to say sorry but you want to work on it? I would like to know where in the Bible it says you don’t need love in marriage. I seem to recall adultery being the biblically acceptable reason for divorce in marriage. You are disrespecting yourself by sticking around. If you really have such low self worth, maybe that is why he cheated in the first place. Who can respect someone who doesn’t respect themselves?
(US) Exactly, my husband told me on Thanksgiving that he cheated prior to leaving to Japan because I had an abortion. I don’t understand why he didn’t just leave me for what I did. This was about 3 years ago and he still wanted to proceed with the ceremonial wedding. While he was stationed in Japan I planned the most beautiful wedding. It was the best day of our lives!
Well this year 2012, we had sex once or twice and he made me feel humiliated as a woman. He didn’t want to make love to me because I wasn’t ready to be a mother. I felt punished. I would touch my own husband and he’d tell me to stop. Thanksgiving Day 2012, he tells me he cheated. I know he’s been cheating. He hurt me to the core. I thought I married a righteous guy. I was shocked to hear him say he cheated and made me realize the abortion was an excuse to use for his actions.
I forgive him and I love him but he betrayed me and I cannot forgive him. He is so cold that I would think he look for me and apologize but nothing. He threw me away as if he never loved me. It’s ok ray I was a wife, a friend and never betrayed you. I leave with a clean slate and wish you luck !!
Where in the Bible does it say you need love? In fact it says the opposite. Love is a feeling, which ebbs and flows and in a long term relationship such as a marriage need to stick with (honour) your vows. Wow! I’m glad I’m not married to you – seems at the first sight of trouble and when your love may ebb that you would immediately give up.
(USA) Hello I am a newly married couple and have already faced a downward spiral in my marriage. I have been lied to, cheated on, and have much resentment towards my husband. Please understand that I love him deeply, but I have also gotten to the point where I am ready to give up. I am deeply in love with God and I have no intent on divorcing but I’m afraid that if me and my husband keep going down the route that we are going that is what’s going to happen. I’ve been very vulnerable with him and trusted him with my heart and he took my love for granted by sleeping with another woman.
I’m hurting and want to reconcile. I guess my question is how do I do this? I pray everyday and I sincerely love God and believe in his word and promises but I’m just a little bitter by my husband’s actions and selfishness. Please advise.
(USA) Danielle, Is he Military? I ask because I grew up that way and there is something instilled in them.
(NEW ZEALAND) Wow, just the information I have been searching for. It all makes sense to me now. I have been separated from my wife for 4 months now and I am that guy who is prepared to do anything to reconcile our marriage. From week one of our separation my wife has placed conditions on us getting back together. But everytime I meet an objective, the goal posts were shifted and another objective was put in place.
After a few months of fustration, I have realised what my wife wants, and probably has wanted for sometime. I have always thought that I was a good husband, not perfect, but good none the less. I now realise that I was not treating my wife the way a man is supposed to, to honor her emotionally, financially, spiritually, parentaly, verbally, phisically, practically and maritally. If I was doing my job properly then she would feel loved and have the things that she deserves.
I am a new Christian and am doing all I can to change my life and live by new principles, including honoring my wife in these areas. My problem is I feel it may be a little too late. My wife is on the fence and is having trouble trusting that I can achieve all this. It is a challenge indeed for me, but I have accepted this challenge and want to live a christian centered live. What has happened since we have been separated is there are now other men offering their services to my wife, which has planted a seed in her mind. I feel her heart has hardened and I fear it is too late. I hate the thought of these other greasy men trying to win over my wife, but it is my own fault for allowing it to get to this point.
On a positive, I have a new direction in life, and am now walking the narrow path to new principles and a new character. Men, turn away from the wide path and temptation and love your wives the way jesus loves the church! My marriage is now in God’s hands. Greasy Gary’s, grrrrrrr!
(PHILIPPINES) Hello, I am also a woman with a hard heart. I have been separated from my husband for a year. We were married for three years. It started when his mother and some of his relatives started meddling with our marital problems especially financially, and my husband and his mother asked me to leave their house because I was a threat to their son who was their breadwinner. They cursed me and my husband verbally maligned me in front of our neighbors.
After a month of leaving our conjugal house, my husband wanted to get the custody of our child so he has hit me twice in my father’s house. He has verbally accused me that I was a lazy, bad mother and a money hungered wife to many witnesses in our area. I could only take so much of repeated humiliation until such time I could no longer feel anything for him. He visits my son but I see him as a stranger. For months I was blaming myself for not saving our marriage but the experience was hurtful that I had weight loss and sleepless nights, afraid of going outside because of my husband’s accusations against me. I am a working mother, even we got married. I was surprised when he said I loved my work over my son and him. Many times I was on leave to just attend their needs.
(INDIA) I loved one girl for 4 years and we married in civil. After that she started getting proposals at her home so I told her, tell your parents that we are married. From that day they hid her and made her completely change. Now, they have filed for divorce and she completely forgot me. They made black magic… Help me, Ramesh
(UNITED STATES) I separated from my husband 2 years ago. I felt unloved, my opinions did not matter. The late nights hanging out at the club. When we met I was so deep into the love of Christ and the church. I washed and ironed his clothes, had hot meals cooked. Prayed when to church faithfully. I love God with all my heart. Over the years it seems his behavior and disrespect had gotten worse. I married him until death do us part. My heart recently became hardened to him after just being tired of chasing him, being lonely on the weekend. Being taken for granted by him. Being the last concern in his life. I wrestle with filing for divorce daily. I get no financial support from him. Prayerful but confused. 20 years of marriage.
I have done the very same thing to my wife without intent. My wife is a great woman. I never understood what she needed until she told me she was leaving and did. There is a book called The Heart of the 5 Love Languages
written by Gary Chapman, that only if I knew it, it would have made a great difference in our marriage. TRY IT & MAKE SURE HE READS IT.
(TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO) To all of you who are going through this ordeal, like the saying goes< "you've got to experience it to know the hurt that a person is feeling." I have been married for 8 years and have been living seperately from my wife for 5 years by her choice, but we maintained our sexual relationship as I vowed to be faithful. However, as she became sucessfull in her career as a police officer she got influenced by the friends she chose who encouraged her to be unfaithful which she has chosen to end our marriage. I find it very hard to understand it when she tells me that she will always love me but we can not be together. But I love her with all my heart and soul and body. So to all of you genuine faithful people out there...Let GOD be your guiding light, and no wound is to deep for time to heal. As I have reached the edge and turned back.
(USA) I have been married for over 20 years to a wonderful woman. I never made her a priority in my life. Instead I just wanted to drink and entertain people. I would become verbally abusive when I drank. She has now a hardened heart towards me. We have been separated through a healing process by way of our church for 30 days of a 90 day period. We are both Christians but she has been the devoted Christian in our marriage. I have finally begun my spiritual walk with God and it feels really good. I ask that you pray for my marriage and for my wife and that God will heal her heart and that she will forgive me. I do love her dearly and God knows this. Thank You.