Seven Questions To Ask If Your Spouse Has Been Unfaithful

Photo credit: blu27. / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA
Photo: blu27. / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

The following questions were put together by Dr Phil McGraw when he was interviewing engaged couples that were cheating on their spouses-to-be. Below them, we’ve added a few summary statements. However the Seven Questions Dr Phil discussed could also be applicable for those who find out their spouses have committed infidelity. We hope you’ll prayerfully consider them as you think about reconciling because they could really help you in this type of situation:

An affair does not necessarily foretell the end of a relationship. Dr. Phil McGraw has seven questions to ask to determine if your cheating partner deserves a second chance.

1. Is this an isolated event or a pattern?

2. Does your partner own his bad behavior or make excuses for it?

3. Does he have insight into how he’s hurt you or is he oblivious?

4. Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught?

5. Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial?

6. Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene? [Marriage Missions Editors Note: By this question Dr Phil is asking if the family has a pattern of infidelity in it, because as he said, family patterns can sometimes manifest themselves in future behavior of the children that grow up in it.]

7. Is this a legacy or new behavior?

The previous seven questions you asked of your partner.

One major question you have to ask of yourself is: If you reinvested in this relationship and allowed yourself to trust, and your partner cheated, do you have the depth and strength to recover from it, or would you be emotionally bankrupt?

Dr. Phil says this final question is the deal-breaker. If you can confidently say that you would have the courage to recover, you can move forward in your relationship with a spirit of optimism.

On his web site, Dr Phil has other related information that he makes available to help with this type of situation. Even though this isn’t a Christian web site the information is helpful and for the most part it doesn’t conflict with Biblical principles. Just use the gleaning principle that is discussed in Marriage Message #252 if you question any of it.

— PLUS —

Here are 10 more questions, based on those posed by Shirley Glass, which could also help you as you’re dealing with this issue:

10 Questions to Ask After An Affair for a Christian Marriage to Recover (Part 1)

10 Questions to Ask After an Affair for a Christian Marriage to Recover (Part 2)

— ALSO —

On there is an article posted that will help you to spot whether your spouse is lying to you and could either cheat on your again or is cheating on you now:



Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair

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46 responses to “Seven Questions To Ask If Your Spouse Has Been Unfaithful

  1. (USA)  I am in a cross cultural/racial marriage for 20 years. Infidelity is considered the norm in West Indian society. My husband is emotionally and physically involved with women. He refuses to talk about it -he has sparse vocabulary and considers my pain to be a product of my own thinking. HELP!

    1. (CANADA)  Please then, why are you with him? If this is not making you happy then why waste your time? Also please consider the health risk that you could be placing yourself in. If you you have children, especially a daughter, then you may want to think about the example that you are giving her.

      My background is West Indian as well, so I know all about it. I’ve been with a Canadian man for the last two years and I’ve never known how wonderful a relationship can be. You owe it to yourself. There is someone better for you -but you have to believe it. Know what you want, believe it, then receive it. Best of luck.

  2. (USA)  I know it’s months since you left your comment, and I’m sorry no one has replied to you yet, but I’d like to say that I would encourage you to leave your husband. He obviously has different morals than you (different religion?) and will never understand your point of view, especially if his culture is male-dominated and indifferent toward female needs. As long as you stay with him, he will not change; he has everything he thinks he needs: a wife whose needs he can safely ignore, and the other women to play around with. He’s committed adultery, has no regrets or intentions to change.

    Scripturally, you are totally free to go. If you love him, leaving him may be the only way to wake him up and show him you aren’t a doormat. I will pray for you and hope that maybe things have changed over these months. But you do him nor yourself any favor by allowing his behavior to continue with no consequences.

  3. (USA)  Thank you for responding to my situation. I’ve stayed in my marriage because we obviously have cross-cultural issues that need to be worked out. Unfortunately, I am the only one in the marriage that makes any effort to "work things out" while he just stares at the TV or sleeps on the couch while belching and passing gas, which he feels are forms of communication.

    I DID marry this man 20 years ago, and do love him. Most of his personality is charming and lovely – except this "outside woman" thing. It’s as if he needs a fleet of woman standing by to take care of his needs (sex, food, laundry, perfume, clothes, medicines and grooming supplies) should he find himself without a wife. It’s insulting, shallow and makes me feel like his caretaker instead of a cherished wife.

    Is this shallowness of devotion normal for a West Indian man? Has the absence of a proper education and/or good nutrition and brutality in the name of love from his beloved mother, caused him to become a man who doesn’t feel things very deeply … unless he’s angry? Anger is the only emotion he allows himself to feel. He has no words for any other emotion – just blank silence.

    I’m getting old and have been feeling extremely lonely when I’m around my husband. He’s there in body, but his mind (??) and heart are not. Is this normal for a West Indian male? Or is he retarded? Does anyone know? Peace.

    1. (TRINIDAD) Both my husband and I are West Indian and he isn’t lazy or anything it’s just that it seems to be a norm for them. When we lived in the UK he just let go of himself and had several women of different races. On top of that when confronted he gets verbally abusive. When he got in trouble with the law he called for me and I was there for him. Now that he’s out he’s back, he’s with the other woman, whom he lied about and said he does not communicate with.

      We live back in the WI now and I found out he wants to go back to the other woman who is from South Africa and is making arrangements secretly. I am Christian and all I am willing to do now is put him in the hands of the good Lord. I have no sexual relations for my own protection. One of the things that really bothers me about this is that she is supposed to a Christian, herself.

  4. (CDA)  I am also married to a West Indian man and have asked myself the same questions. Much of what you describe could be my husband also… charming and loved by most, lack of emotion, laziness, manipulates my words so we can never have open honest conversation without me walking away frustrated, etc. We’ve been married 10 years and he had one affair early on in our marriage as well as abused me in his anger. To my knowledge he has not had any affairs since, and I eventually was able to trust that he was not. If I ever became suspicious, you can bet that I would be on that in a flash.

    I never did tell my family what happened because I wanted them to like him and they love him and he is very comfortable with them. If it happened again, yes, they would know, without a doubt. I have shared it with friends I trust. As charming as he is, who else would believe me? I know he could manipulate it into me being a psycho. I’ve seen him do it to others as well as myself over certain things earlier on. He did not show remorse for his actions, never apologizes, will not admit responsibility, refuses to discuss it and when I am brave enough to bring up how much he has hurt me he says that is my choice to feel that way.

    Once after he shoved me into a wall and warned me that he could kill me, I left for 5 days. When he never called to find me I phoned and asked why. He said he knew I’d come back when I was ready. The thought of that event still concerns me, the lack of indifference. Right now I look at him and think ‘YOU did that to me, I can’t believe it. Does the person you are today feel bad about that in the least or do you still feel that indifferent’? I dare not bring it up, not that I’m afraid the abuse would start again after 6 years, but that he won’t admit it.

    I don’t even try anymore. It is getting old and there is no point in trying to work that out with someone who won’t. It only brings up old negative feelings that I’ve mostly forgotten. We occasionally do things together but he never shows me any physical affection anymore and the most I may get is a quick peck on the lips or 3 second hug, about once a week out of obligation. I feel very alone a lot of the time due to his distance. And when I should be able to talk to my husband, it is only my friends I can turn to.

    As Mary mentioned, with infidelity the scriptures say we are free to go. I stay now because it has been some time since the infidelity and abuse occurred and feel I’ve let my the period expire in which I could use my ‘out card’. Many times I find myself thinking of what I will do with my life when he dies and I will able to move forward and won’t have him holding me back. Well, I’ve let him hold me back. Being married there are certain things that I just can’t up and do and leave my husband behind. I wish I had one who had some goals or hopes for the future. He has goals that go for about one day, maybe a month if I’m lucky.

    However, he also is living so much more a Christian life that I’d feel I was abandoning him. Much has changed in his life, except with his responsibility for responding and relating to his wife. We cannot have a deep, open, honest discussion. He avoids it like the plague, because he never has experienced that nor knows the benefits and that it isn’t painful (that is my conclusion of it). He hides things from me that are nothing to hide and gets angry if I ask questions, which then makes me suspicious.

    I need to practice what I preach, but I feel somewhat stuck where I’m at, it is fear of what pushing for change would do, afraid I’d be quitting just when things were going to get better. Lynda, you need to take care of yourself. Go for walks, journal, find a good girlfriend to spend time with, take a class. Get strong emotionally. Seek counsel with a pastor or marriage counselor, and most importantly seek God’s will and live the purpose in life He wants for you. And in the least, consider your health and what he could bring home to you. I’m living proof that your husband can do that to you, unfortunately.

  5. (USA) I have a comment about how some husbands use their wives to achieve their own rewards. My friend of 27 years has been married to a gentleman that has been mentally abusing her for 18 years. This lady was the first girlfriend I ever fall in love with. During the 27 years of my being apart from her life, she has been cheated on by her long term mates and currently by her husband. I’m trying to get my friend to see the light at the end of the tunnel. She left him and went back.

    The seven questions that the Dr. speaks of about cheating on your spouse applies here. She’s already not happy and it hasn’t been 2 weeks since she’s returned. I’m the man who came back into her life and thus far my angel is starting to come around. So good advice on the seven questions on cheating. The purpose of my comment is this friend and I fell in love with each other all over again and the mistreatment of her as a person is driving me to continue to battle for her love. Thanks, I’ll keep you all abreast!

  6. (USA)  Richard, Help me understand, you have a female friend who has been betrayed by her husband, and you are involved in her life. The two of you were formerly romantically involved.

    If that’s the case, no offense, but you would be the WORST candidate for her to confide in regarding this situation.

    You say the two of you fell in love all over again. So if I understand what you are saying is that because she was betrayed by her husband, her current betrayal of her husband with you is justified.

    If this is the case, I’m officially sickened. If it was wrong for him to betray her, it’s even worse for her, knowing how painful it is, to betray him. And since you are aware of how painful betrayal is, from her accounts, not to mention what you’ve read here, I fail to understand how you can pine away for her, when your actions, your “love” is only going to add more pain to an already painful situation.

    Scripture tells us that to knowingly sin will be punished far more seriously than those who sin in ignorance. You and your love can in no way be ignorant to how even a merely emotional romance between the two of you is sinning against God and this woman and her husband.

    Please, end any contact with her now, encourage her to get a female mentor to help her through this, and find a male mentor in your church that will step you through healing and forgiveness for this act.

    Regardless how bad you may think her husband is, you are not justified in sinning against God, her or him because of your judgment of what he’s done.

    I’d encourage you to confess your sin, to him and her and vow to never speak to her again.

  7. (S. AFRICA) Richard, may I ask you where you have been for the last 27 years of your first girlfriend’s life? You say she went back to her husband and is unhappy. It seems to me that you could have been part of the problem all along. Where is YOUR wife? Leave them alone let them work together with God’s help to sort their marriage out. I agree with everything Tony said.

  8. (S AFRICA)  I have read these seven questions with much interest. Here are my answers to them:

    1. Is this an isolated event or a pattern? – Pattern. The latest was man number 5.
    2. Does your partner own his bad behaviour or make excuses for it? – Mostly excuses, but some owning up.
    3. Does he have insight into how he’s hurt you or is he oblivious? I don’t think anyone realizes how much they hurt the other person. I don’t think they can unless it happened to them.
    4. Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught? – In my case, my wife is devastated about what she has done (She slept with the last one). I do not however believe the devastation is about the affair. I believe it is isolated to the sex.
    5. Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial? – She is willing to clean it up, but believes that we both need to change.
    6. Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene? – I’m not too sure what you mean. She displayed signs of insensitivity until we reached a point where we both want to reconcile.
    7. Is this a legacy or new behaviour? – This is guy number 5, so it’s legacy.

    Now you may wonder why I’m responding to this. Well. I think I need to expand on this a bit. Me and my wife are both Christians. BUT… We lost the path a bit. Now we are followers of Jesus, but that is another story.

    To make a long story short, my wife cheated on me a few times in the past. Most of the time it was “because we went through troubled times in our marriage.” Each time I forgave her and we moved on. Until it happened again. This last time, she slept with her latest affair.

    Let me just interrupt myself here and state that she is NOT a bad person. If you knew her history with her dad, step dad, granddad, etc things would look different to you. This message is not about bashing my wife. It’s about giving people another view on infidelity.

    First up. When a woman cheats on a man, (and this is what I’m limited to talking about) she violates a boundary and breaks him down as a man. I’m sure that if a man cheats on a woman, he emotionally kills her too, but I cannot write about that. So girls, please bear with me on this one.

    Us men have this need to be THE one in your life. THE most adored. THE most admired, THE most respected. The moment you show interest in another man, you kill all of that. Forget about having an affair. You kill it when you show interest in another man. Once you go over to having an affair, you kill the respect we have for you. You kill the trust. Once you sleep with another man, you kill the parts of you we hold sacred and dear. It takes exceptional emotional strength to be a participant in the recovery of a marriage that involved intercourse by your spouse.

    Guys.. Do NOT feel that you are weak when you find out about an affair and you CHOOSE to reconcile. On the contrary.. Not many men has what it takes. Not many men has the strength.

    Girls.. If you overstepped the boundary, and your guy is willing to work on it with you, I pray to God that you recognize his strength and be appreciative. You will probably never know what it takes to not shout at you. To not “disown” you, to not show you total disrespect and disgust. Those are natural tendencies. Fighting them while being destroyed inside is not an easy task.

    Girls. I plead with you today. If you have been unfaithful, come clean about it ASAP! No matter how far it went. Come clean ASAP! Even if you just flirted with another man. Come clean. The sooner the better. If it went all the way to intercourse, tell all. Give him the opportunity to vent, and then make his decision. But be honest and truthful or you can just as well leave it. Do NOT let him find out details later. Do not hide things from him. The truth always comes out. And when it does, and you did not voluntarily provide that truth to him, trust and respect just simply takes another beating.

    There are a few critical do’s and don’ts if you cheated on your hubby. A lot of which are covered on this site. Do some research.. There is a lot of great help on this subject on this site.

    I am proof that a man CAN overcome the natural tendency to want to leave his wife after numerous infidelities on her behalf. I’m not typing this to tell you it is easy. It’s not.

    So here I get to my point. Guys… When or if your wife cheats on you.. Ask yourself why. Do you really know her? Do you know her past? Does she have an issue with men? How was her dad to her? How was her dad towards her mom? Not just her dad, but granddads, step dads, etc. Was she the center of your human life? Did you cater for all her needs as a woman (Not just sexually, but emotionally as well)?

    It takes some guts looking into this. My wife told me “Things were not that great between us” when I asked her why she did it. I’m telling you now. In some instances, not even THEY know why they did it. Dig deeper. It’s not always JUST you.

    I know how you feel. I know how you lose respect. How the most precious parts of her seems defiled. How she doesn’t seem like just yours anymore. But I tell you this… Something like what has happened to you might be just what the two of you need to move over to a spectacular marriage.

    Do NOT leave her to fix things by herself. Yes she has a lot to do. Yes she has some healing to provide. But please… make some changes in your life. Infidelity can be turned around. Do not assume you are the only victim and sit back or fight. Something is missing in your marriage. Fix it. If you have what it takes.

    For too long after each affair did we just simply work on the affair and the after effects of the affair. We never changed ourselves. We never changed the way we treated each other and it happened over and over again. Each time, getting worse. Do not fight the person. Neither fight the problem. Fight the underlying causes of the problem. There are more than one. Find them. Kill them. Change them. Do you have what it takes?

    Girls. Again I pray that you communicate with your men. Don’t beat around the bush. You girls like saying things in a way no man understands. We prefer to be sat down and given the cold hard facts. Do not hint, do not do it subtly. If you feel unloved, uncared for, etc. Sit your hubby down. MAKE him look at you and concentrate and TELL him in short, to the point sentences, what it is that bothers you and how much it bothers you and how it makes you feel. If he is neglecting you, do not tell him this long story. Sit him down and tell him: You are neglecting me in this and that way. It makes me feel like this and that and it causes me to wonder about our relationship. You have to communicate! Do not keep things bottled up inside. Talk about your past, your teenage years and tell him about traumatic things that happened to you too. Talk!

    Guys: I pray that you bother learning about how to listen to your wives. Just… listen. No fixing the problem. Listen.. No interruptions. Listen… We are factual thinkers. Listen and think. Not listen, talk, think, talk, listen… just.. listen and think.

    There is so much you do not know. So much, you as the head of the relationship, NEEDS to know to lead properly. If you do not listen to her, how can you lead? Treat your wife the way she deserves to be treated… Open that car door for her… EVERY time.

    Girls: Show appreciation when he open the car’s door for you… EVERY time. And SHOW that you mean it. Remember we are factual creatures. We believe what we see and can think about. Not what we have to assume. If you have cheated on your husband.. do you realise that:

    1. Your partner will find it very hard to trust you again?
    2. Your partner feels second best, and unwanted?
    3. Your partner will take the smallest interest you show in the opposite sex as insensitive and maybe even as arrogance?
    4. Your partner lost a lot if not all respect for you even though they may not show it?
    5. If sex was involved, your partner may most likely not look at your female parts as precious and sacred places anymore?
    6. You partner would be hurt deeply if you do not treat him/her better, or do not show more attention or intimacy than you showed your lover?
    7. Until you were the major cause for healing the wounds you caused, you will probably be haunted by what you have done?
    8. Your partner’s natural instinct is to get rid of you. Resisting this instinct takes a lot of effort and is extremely painful and confusing?
    9. Your partner feels totally insecure and may probably not want to invest further in your marriage?

    It is important to your partner that you own up to what you have done. It is important to him that they see how you hate what you have done, and that you are sensitive to what destruction you have caused.
    It is VITAL in recovery for your partner to know about everything. It is your responsibility to come clean about every little thing, no matter how trivial you may feel it is. Do not leave out details that could later scratch open old wounds.

    Do not fake anything. Be real. Be honest. Faking behaviour or twisting the truth will postpone and in all likelihood destroy any chance of trust and respect in the future. Realise that you deserve zero respect, zero trust, zero honour. You cannot demand these things. You have violated the most valued aspect or marriage. Appreciate (and show it) any of these you do get. Continuously ask your partner how they are doing. Be caring. Find out what you can do to make things better.

    Do NOT’s: If you are serious about healing your partner, here are a few things you should not do.
    – Be aware that the affair started somehow. Some method was used to initiate it. Do not under any circumstances go anywhere close, or do anything that is anywhere close to that. No matter how trivial
    – Do not ever make any contact with the lover. Ever.
    – Do not be friends with anyone who are friends with the lover (Including work environments)
    – Do not make excuses for what you have done.
    – Do not blame anyone or anything for what you have done.
    – After coming clean to your partner, they will know what you and your lover did and said to each other. Never, ever do less for your partner than you did for your lover.

    Enough rambling from me. I guess my point is that men can be men and try to reconcile after being cheated on but it takes a LOT! Girls, please appreciate that and make an honest effort.

    Follow Christ… Don’t simply just be a Christian. Guys… You are going to need His strength.

    1. (TANZANIA)  Francois, you have said it all… I have read your piece proudly… coming from a man (it’s not easy). Be blessed. I hope it works well for you and your wife.

    2. (USA)  Don’t forget step #1, she has to end the affair. If she won’t do that, none of what you say, while very good, will work. The one having the affair must end the affair. She must be 100% open and honest about it.

      My ex-wife REFUSED to end the affair, let alone even say it was wrong for her to do it. So she got the divorce she wanted.

      I still find the article offensive as it continually says HE when almost all affairs involve both a man and a woman, making the female participation rate statistically the same as that of men.

    3. (USA)  It took a lot of guts for you to write all that. Sounds like you really did try your best to get to the bottom of it. I don’t think your wife was putting in the same effort. It may not be possible to really know another person’s hurt, but it is surely possibly for a wife to empathise and realise how hurtful her actions were, especially if you were willing to sit down and see her point of view. The fact that it was a pattern shows that she may have been devastated to a point and owned it to a point, but she didn’t show heart change. I really hope for your sake, Francois, that she really shows you respect. If not, I hope you don’t blame yourself and do what is best for you.

    4. (INDIA)  Sir, your story is exactly as mine. We are not married but were together for 2 yrs. I gave her everything, sex too even though it’s not in our culture here, just to make our relationship strong and happy. Even now I’m trying to make things right and work again but she says she doesn’t wanna hurt me anymore so I should move on with someone else as she can’t change her attitude and I can’t leave her alone like this, at any cost. Any suggestion? Answer soon please.

    5. (USA)  Wow!!! That is wonderful advice. I have been cheated on and I gave him a second chance after finding out he was still seeing this woman and made all these promises to me if I gave him one more chance and he hasn’t kept one of those promises to me after 4.5 years. I love him deep down but can’t trust him or forgive him but I have 5 small children and can’t leave him because I cannot give them the life they deserve and need finacially.

      This is a wonderful statement you gave. I am now trying to help a friend that has been cheated on by his 25 yr old beautiful wife who has only been married a year and she has been cheating FOR 7 months. He loves her and is deeply hurt. I explained how with God’s help he can get thru this. I feel so bad for this man and what his wife has done to him. I want to print your statement and give to them as a couple and hope it helps them thru this.

    6. (USA) Thank you so much. I’m a 23 year old male and I’ve been married for 2 years and I’ve known my wife (21) since 2006. In the time before we married, she cheated on me (I blame that on us being young and unsaved), but for some reason each time I took her back. It ate me up emotionally and I eventually started cheating on her. We confessed, made up, fell back in love and got married. I believe that once you’re married and you cheat then that takes it to a whole new level so I never expected this to happen. Well, once we were married it started all over again. So when I found out about her cheating I felt so angry that I went and slept with my ex. She found out but we worked it out and promised to never do it again. I went out of my way to show her I was sorry. I did everything I knew how to do to get her to trust me again; we made up and moved on (or so I thought).

      Well while I was showing her I loved her and only her she was cheating on me and when I found out I was devestated and it wasn’t just once. I took her back each time and I promised her if it happened again I was leaving for good. Now fast forward to this year (2012), I found out about her sleeping with my sister’s boyfriend (X now) eariler this year and they had this thing going on for about a month and a half. Now she’s pregnant but she says she was pregnant before it started. I dont know what to believe. We already have 2 kids (girls) (and if this is my baby shes carrying it will be 3…a boy) Ive always wanted a boy but I don’t want to get too excited if it’s not mine. We are currently seperated but we talk frequently and she has told me she is sorry and it won’t happen again. I have heard this all before and I know that if it happens again I will be crushed, but I can’t shake the feelings that I get when I talk to her. I don’t want to experience that pain again but I really believe she is the one that I need to spend my life with. We talk about God often and she says that she wants to get saved but I’m scared that I won’t be able to look at her the same way I used to because the magnitude of it was so severe….not only did I get hurt but so did my sister and my mom and his sister and basically everybody. SHE told them like she was bragging about it…at least that’s how I felt) but she said she was sorry. I said ALL that to say this; I recently gave my life to God and I can say proudly and honestly I am filled with his precious Holy Spirit. I believe he led me to this site and your comments for a reason. I was considering a divorce but when I got married I vowed not to be a statistic (the divorce rate is extremely high) and I see I’m not the only one who is going through this. I would like to thank you for what you wrote and it’s really helping me to see what God has planned for my life as far as my marriage is concerned. I know that if you can do it so can I. You are truly a blessing to me and I will pass this on so you can be a blessing to others.

  9. (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, This is tricky in a way. At times one feels like staying in the marriage for the sake of their children but the man will be cheating on you openly. l think prayer conquers it all coz the Lord is a God of the impossible. Lets not let Jezebel be victorious every time by leaving. Lets stand and fight the war.

  10. (USA)  My husband and I have been married 31 years. I have gone through his unfaithfulness five times. The first 2 were one night stands shortly after we got married and I wasn’t living with him yet due to his job. The next one we were living together and had been married about 2 or 3 years. That one was an affair. I left him and filed for divorce. I was still so much in love and crushed about his behavior.

    After three months, they had broken up and he came to me asking forgiveness. I did forgive and things were fine for a very long time. Soon after getting back together he wanted to have a child which was a blessing because I had wanted that too. We had a beautiful daughter. She was the light of our lives and had such an out-going personality that she lit up a room. Everybody loved her. When she was 16 she was killed in a car accident. We were both devastated. We both went back to work and tried to get back to normal.

    I started reading a lot wanting to know more and more about what the Bible says about death and heaven, etc. I read books about near death experiences, all kinds of books trying to somehow relieve my mind of what happened to my little girl in those last moments and where is she now I am a Christian and strong in my faith so I do believe because she was also a Christian that she is with Jesus.

    Anyway, within six months my husband was in an affair again. He told me about it and that he felt he was in love with her. Here I was grieving so much and so depressed, and he has an affair! I can’t even tell you how bad it hurt to realize the person I thought was there for me, the person I trusted so much and leaned on for support was sharing his thoughts and love and body with another woman, a married one.

    He said she understood him so well and that he could talk to her about anything. He blamed me for not being “stylish” enough and reading too much. Apparently I was not allowed to grieve and try to heal. I was supposed to wait on his every need and forget myself. I couldn’t. I was so hurt by losing our precious daughter and then hearing that he was in love with someone else. We had been married 21 years at that time.

    Well, long story short, we did get back together. I went to counseling for about a year but he never would. So basically looking back I guess I was just supposed to suck it up and carry on. Well, I certainly have tried. I still love him very much. It has been ten years since then and we have traveled a lot and had wonderful times together. Now I find email where he is again involved in an affair. I am crushed again. I still take medication for depression and this certainly hasn’t helped. I am by nature a happy and loving person and I know I add so much to his life. I treat him like a king.

    I had told him all those years ago that I would divorce him if I ever knew of him being unfaithful again. Well, I have asked for a divorce. I am older now and haven’t been working in several years. I now find that he doesn’t want to tell anyone, he just wants it to be between us. He wants to live separately and keep the finances as they are. He wants me to go to work and he blames me yet again. This time the same old thing.

    Although I keep myself looking good, I stay slim, keep my hair nice and try my best to dress ‘stylish’ and cute, he says I look like a grandma. Everyone else thinks I look nice and I always have people tell my how pretty I am. Why can’t he say that? Why can’t he see that? How could I have stuck with this man for 31 years, worked hard, did everything humanly possible to please him and be a great wife and he does this to me again?

    By the way, he looked up the one from way back in our past when I filed for divorce many years ago and that is who he is seeing now, like some long lost love, who by the way is also married. I have moments that I feel strong, and feel that I will divorce him and move on, and some day someone will come along who will appreciate me and treat me like a man should treat his wife. Other times I am depressed and crying. I don’t know what the future holds but I will venture into it alone. : (

  11. (USA)  I can only imagine the pain that you are experiencing. I hurt with you, and want to mention to you a resource, newly published by NavPress – “Helping Those Who Hurt: Handbook for Caring and Crisis.” I’m hoping this will be helpful for you. Blessings, Barb

  12. (KENT)  I wanted to know how can you tell if your husband has been cheating. Can you tell how long they last during sex, like if they last longer or shorter; if they last longer they have been doing it already or if they last shorter they haven’t.

  13. (USA)  Hello! I just stumbled across this site as i was having a hard day today. My husband was unfaithful about a month ago. Having found faith again during that hard time, I have chosen to forgive him. I did read the 7 questions and I know that he is sorry for what he has done to me and our family. I just have days that are worse than others.

    I actually saw the 2 of them, and I replay what I saw over and over. It was all over a horrible night that was started in what I thought all men wanted… their wife to be with another woman. I know that I was wrong in setting that all up. I know that once you are married that things like that should not happen. I was left by the 2 of them at the bar where they went back to my house and had sex… I’m just wondering how to deal with the pictures, pain, and if I forgive. Why is it taking so long for me to stop hurting? We are a young couple and have 2 children and I love this man. I just need to find help in other stories to learn a way to help cope when I am having days like today.

  14. (SOUTH AFRICA)  We have been married for 16 years now. I know my husband is battling with some strongholds especially faithfulness in marriage. I don’t doubt his love for me and he always shows affection and how much I mean to him. His, is a story of not being able to resist temptation and I feel he sometimes becomes weak. He is a good looking guy and it is no secret that he gets admired by a lot of females which has even happened in my presence. At times he gets so annoyed and turns off the advances right there in front of me but I always wonder what happens if I am not there.

    People around us see our marriage as one of the best and we are role models to some of young couples even to older ones as well. It breaks my heart a lot because I know the real truth and I know that he sometimes cheats on me. He has never admitted to it but I have seen things like text messages from other women. He always makes excuses that the women are interested in him and he is not. I know at times it’s a matter of flirting, but that hurts my feelings a lot because I don’t do the same with other men. Why must he do it to me? I feel flirting equals to cheating as something serious can develop out of that and a sexual relationship can develop as well. We are always open about our feelings for each other but I feel if you love someone you should be strong enough to protect that person emotionally and I feel in my case that is not happening. Please help as my husband’s love of affection and attention from other women is destroying my trust in him.

  15. (SA)  I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me again and this time it hurts the most because he said it as if he was entitled to it since I ignored him and was busy with then my 2 month old child who God blessed us with after having 2 of them dying at infancy. As a mother’s instinct I wanted to protect, love, care for and nurture my little one and had to deal with panic attacks at the same time. My husband did nothing to help me with the child or the house chores and after a while it got to be too much for me. I tried speaking to him and telling him how I felt but he just ignored me plainly. One day he asked me to have sex with him and I got annoyed and I told him that he was only concerned about his sexual needs and did not care about anyone else. And that was when we started going out. My instincts told me something was not right but I could not really put 1 and 1 together. Then after 3 months of fights we reconciled but then he already had an affair and even when we were speaking to fixing things he continued with his affairs until I did my investigations on him. I found condoms in his car but did not confront him until I gathered enough evidence to and when I finally did I asked him politely to confess to me any affairs he might have had during our fight and he looked me in the eyes and told me he had no affairs and I begged him for 2 days to come out clean but he maintained his innocence.

    Yesterday I confronted him with all the evidence I have gathered on him and that’s when he told me boastfully that yes he had an affair and it was becauses I couldn’t give it to him that he had to go and find it elsewhere, as if that justified his actions. I told him that he has no respect for either himself or me and that how can I continue trusting the same person who is suppose to protect his family but hurts it the most?

    To think that all this time he accused me of not trusting him and all the nonsense when he was the one fooling around with another married woman. It is disgusting to think what he did, that he can can go and have sex with someone else and come home and act holy.

    Everything in me wants to leave him because I don’t trust him that he wont do it again especially since he did it right after the death of our 1st child. I know God hates divorce and He wants us to love our spouses unconditionally with the Agape love but how do I move from here onward with him? How am I suppose to make love to him without thinking of the fact that he slept with another woman? With sicknesses like HIV/Aids out there how do I know that he wont bring it home to us? I am breastfeeding and he sleeps with me and he doesn’t he think that he is also endangering the very child he claims to love more than anything?

    Please somebody help me, if you know any marriage counselors in Gauteng area in South Africa please help me! I don’t want to give in without at least exhausting all channels and in the meantime I will continue praying to God to heal me and forgive both my husband and her mistress and give me strength to stand in the vows I made before him.

  16. (VANUATU)  Francois, I really appreciate what you said, however, you should know that everything you said is the same for women and sometimes worse because we are always considered to be the peace of the home. But infidelity stirs up passionate feelings such as anger, hostility, insecurities and therefore the peace and tranquility goes right out the door.

    I am also in a similar situation where I have been betrayed by my husband and one of his work colleagues. He has volunteered to quit his job and I admit that would make me happier to know that he is not spending more than eight hours a day with her but I have supported him in his job. The worst part for me too is that we have been together for thirteen years and this is not the first time and I want to believe this will be the last but he has made such empty promises before and I still find myself in the same situation. I applaud you Francois, for your endurance and hope and pray that I might endure as well as you. All the best.

  17. (SOUTH AFRICA)  It was after the third time I found out that my husband was cheating and at that time I had a male friend who I knew had feelings for me that I decided then and there that if my husband can do it, why not me? We then started dating. He is married too. It has been a year and half now. I know it’s wrong and tried several times to end the affair but I can’t. Every time my husband hurts me, he is the first person I think of and I ask myself why is my husband not like him? He makes me feel like a woman. He respects me, how I feel, and will do anything to make sure I’m happy. He listens to me, he gives me tender love that I deserve which my husband does none of these.

    I don’t think I still love my husband because every time he hurts me I think of leaving him. I ask myself why did I married him. We have two kids and am scared that if I leave him what if I lose my kids over him? What will the family say? It’s really tough for me and I don’t know what to do. What is worse is we have different cultures which it makes things difficult, when it comes to children. I cannot stand the fact that he sometimes wants to take my kids with him when he goes to the traditional doctor. You see, this one breaks my heart even worse.

    You know, I, one day went with him when our baby was a month old. The place is dirty and that doctor cut my baby with minor and was not even wearing the gloves when he took some black mix, and put it on my baby wrist where he cut him. I asked my husband if he was ok with it. I felt it was a health risk, and the fact that he always go there, it scares me now, because if that’s what they do to him, what if he gets infected with HIV in that process and I must sleep with him after that?

  18. (K.S.A.)  Francois, Amen! Receive the blessings…. God is not finished with you yet. Only from glory to glory, HE is molding us… Remain blessed…

  19. (ZIMBABWE)  I just found out a week ago that my husband of 3 yrs is cheating on me -for the 3rd time. The last time I caught him he promised to stop. It took me a long time to trust him again. Right now I am thinking of leaving him coz my heart is shattered. I didn’t see myself trusting him again.

    The worst part is he is still denying it. That means he isn’t at all feeling any remorse. We have a 3 yr old child and didn’t want him to grow up in a broken home. I have sacrificed a lot for this man and am so hurt I can’t even begin to explain it.

    1. (USA)  I know how you feel. My husband cheated on me and we have 4 kids. I know you don’t want your child to grow up in a broken home but do you want him to see what your husband is doing to you, which is not right? You have to think of you and your son’s well being. Your husband does not seem to care and you and your son deserve so much better.

  20. (PHILIPPINES)  Hello, The story of our marriage started out with lies told to me by my husband. He got a woman pregnant who was living in another place far from our place. When I first found out that he got this woman pregnant, I told him that since we just started our relationship, we will end it; it’s a child and I don’t want to feel guilty.

    But he told me he didn’t want to get married to her because he didn’t love her. It was only a one night stand; she’s not a girlfriend, really. So I continued our relationship.

    As years passed by I noticed he kept on going vacation to their place and asked me not to call him because the girl was there. To make this story short, I discovered he promised to marry her, but this I found out after I was pregnant by him already!

    With our relationship of 7 yrs as BF and GF, there are too many betrayals. I caught him on the text message, but he keep on denying it. He was always pointing out his friends not him, just using his mobile. But I loved him at that time. Until I got pregnant by him, and that time I discovered under a bag under his bed that was locked. I opened it and discover the truth about his relationship with the girl he got pregnant. The girl is hoping for them to get married. She and his kid are waiting for him and they are not just one night stand. She loves him they are BF and GF.

    When I discovered it, he refused to tell the truth. He just simplifies everything he tells me. Just see what’s in front of me now? It’s past and I’m pregnant already and another woman wants her child to have a family. But I continued in my decision to get married to him. Even within that period he did too many fishy things. I’m helpless. I have no parents at all and my sisters all got married.

    When we got married things became worse. He became irresponsible. He doesn’t care for my feelings anymore. He has done too many fishy things and just gives me stupid reasons that even a kid would not believe. He always works the night shift, we seldom see each other, he becomes unfair in sex, and worst is, we are living together with his brothers, together with us. I told him we will move out to separate and he refused. When my first child became 4 months old I got pregnant again because of his carelessness.

    There was more suffering. I struggled, and still he did too many fishy things and still he lied about the reasons. He even saw me crying and yet he ignored me, and didn’t even comfort me. He would say, it’s like this is my reason, whether you like it or not. Life became so hard for us financially and then I decided to go abroad, because of one incident which happened where my one month old son had pneumonia and he did nothing. It was traumatic for me. I think I would rather work far away than have my kids with me and he would die in my hands.

    When I went abroad, things became worse. The first month of my stay abroad, it was my birthday and he forgot to greet me. His reason was he was too busy. The 3rd week of my stay he has wrong text messaged again and again and he lied about the reasons, my trust was too small already, my respect is 1 percent only and my love, I don’t know…

    And another wrong txt messages, I received again. He denied everything, until I reached the point that I didn’t respect him at all. He told me, it’s your chance now, someday I will find your chance, until he discovered my facebook message to a friend because he knows my password because I gave it to him. It was a message w/c is a very civil one asking apologies that I deleted him on my account, etc etc. HE made it an issue.

    He told all the story to my relatives that I betrayed him, that he is the one left taking care of the kids, working at the same time and I am living abroad betraying him. It was my sister who confronted me because he did not talk to me. When I asked him what’s the message he would not tell me the details. He deactivated my facebook so I don’t know what the message was. To make it short, he invented too many stories on my messages just to catch me betraying him and threatend me that he will take my kids away. I was so helpless, until I recovered my facebook and I discovered he just invented all the stories and the messages.

    So I decided to end my marriage to him, because it’s not only the first time he did this to me, reversing the issue. He did it before 3 times. In our conversations he agrees to end things with us, but in front of my relatives he is telling them he is still hoping we will be ok, knowing what he told me. He says, I know I did mistakes; go on make yourself happy. I’m sorry for what I did; lets make things civil, and legal when you come home.

    Now I have a boyfriend already. He respects me. He knows everything, he loves me and cares for me and we have the same attitude and way of thinking about everything. My husband has a doubt that I loved somebody but I can’t tell him on chat. I’m planning to tell him everything when I come home and have a legal separation. I can’t rebuild my realtionship with him anymore. I don’t love him, there were too many lies. We have too many differences and I don’t want to pretend in my entire life. We have two kids, 3 and 4 yrs old. Please give me advice. What’s the best thing I can do?

  21. (USA)  I found that my boyfriend (now husband) was cheating on me with not one but 2 ex girlfriends. Why did I stay? I was told that he could be a lot worse. Each day, I watch his moods change towards me and I know he is back with one of them again. It’s to the point I don’t want to do anything as a wife… but I do. He even said that he wishes I would get into a car accident and die. He never apologizes for his actions or his words. His attitude stinks.

    I left him for a week and he begged me to come home because he was hungry. I only came home because the house was in my name only. He lied and said he was going to change. He did for several months and we started to get a house together. His credit couldn’t but mine did. So I really needed space for my child to come back to live with me. After I settled on the house, he reverted right back to his old ways.

    I honestly just want him to leave and go be with those things he cheating with. Why can’t he just do that? Oh, because I make his life financially better. I get nothing but a lot of mouth out of the deal. Can I cheat? No. Karma is real. If I could go back in time I would!

  22. (USA)  My husband of 41 years has cheated on me with his secretary. She is not a trashy person but has a kind of pitiful life situation (married with a slightly disabled, lazy husband). They were taped and the proof of the affair was given to me from one of their partner employees. It was a shock!

    Our marriage was on track at the time. The affair laster several weeks. My husband and she admitted to the entire thing, which went on during work and we are both getting counseling. This woman is still working as a secretary for my husband. She has spoken to me and shows such shame. I am a teacher in a Catholic school and teach her children. This is all very hard.

    I want to take the high road but this is so difficult. Each day is hard and everytime I speak to my husband he feels so ashamed but also feels I am sticking the knife in his heart. This is the hardest time of my life. I do not know if I can ever get over this. She is no threat to me but it is still difficult. My husband says he understands but she is also my son’s secretary and our 4 children do not know what happened.

    I am at a crossroad with everything. I would like to hear your opinion on this topic. My therapist says it does not matter that she is his secretary -he has to work this out. Please let me know your opinion.

    1. (USA)  You said you wanted our opinions, here goes.

      #1 Your husband and this woman can no longer work together, period. Either he sells the business or she gets another job. Whatever it takes to accomplish this, it has to be done. This is non-negotiable. It needs to happen in 5 minutes.

      #1.1 Her husband has to know. That should happen about 1 minute after she no longer works with your husband. He has the right to know what he’s facing with his wife. He might be slightly disabled, and slightly lazy, but cheating on your spouse is abusive behavior, so she’s 100% a spouse abuser, and he has the right to know he’s the victim of her abuse.

      #2 You husband is an addict who will resist his drug of choice, the affair. Other places here you’ll find articles about how affairs are like drugs, they are addictions. Or go poke around as Dr Harley is often quoted here and that URL is his website. He has prior experience in treating addicts and when he began marriage counseling and learned the most traditional marriage counseling had an 86% failure rate, he learned what it takes to save a marriage from infidelity. His book, Surviving an Affair spells out the steps. Near the top is a commitment to No Contact between the lovers, FOR LIFE. Hence my first point.

      #3 Addicts lie and manipulate to get their fix. Your husband is trying to manipulate you when he tells you you are sticking the knife in him. Don’t bite. In fact, turn it around and cheerfully explain that he was the one wielding the knife and you are trying to pull it out. It’s going to hurt, and that he should remember this pain so he doesn’t go wielding any more knives in the future. In other words, don’t let him shift the blame from his behavior to your response.

      #4 This woman is very much a threat to your marriage, period. No matter how unlikely that seems, she is. Treat her as such.

      Since you are a teacher at the Catholic school where her children attend, perhaps the parents need to follow some standard of behavior. A parent sleeping with the husband of a faculty member cannot be a behavior condoned by the church. (Neither is your husband’s behavior!)

      So perhaps what you need to do is to take your husband to work where he can confess to the principle/superintendent, the church leaders both ordained and lay-leaders who are in charge of the school. That certainly may come in handy if she (or your husband) doesn’t cooperate with the very first step, which is no contact.

      #5. Watch. Your husband has to do the heavy lifting here. He is the one who was carving everyone up with his knife, so he needs to meet the standard YOU set regarding what is appropriate demonstration that he’s a safe and engaged husband.

      The only thing that matters is action. Words are cheap. After all, he already vowed to be faithful, and you can see how much value he placed on those words. Watch his actions, they will tell you if he is contrite and remorseful, or if he’s just embarrassed he got caught.

  23. (UNITED STATES)  I really need someones help!! I’ve been married for about one year and have really been faithful in my marriage. I am a religious woman and was sincere when I made my vows to my husband. However, during the beginning of the last 4 months of our 1 year anniversary, we had a bad argument, which caused my husband to leave for 3 days without telling me where he is, where he was, or what he had done! I was worried sick!

    The argument was stupid and was about how he always hogs the car etc… 3 days later we made up and had business to take care of in a different city. On our way back home he fell asleep on the highway and we were involved in a terrible car accident with a semi truck. I got the worst injuries… broken ribs, torn ligament in neck… it was really bad. He had minor injuries so my family was a little suspicious about the car accident because he said he wasn’t tired before we left and it was broad daylight!!! I, on the other hand believe, and want to believe, it was just a pure accident!

    We lost everything car, home etc… because my injuries were so bad that I had to stay in the hospital and take a leave of absence from my job and he took a leave from his job too! 2 months passed by and we’ve never been the same! But in the mist of the 2 months he would not call to check on me or wouldn’t talk to me for 2 weeks and I still haven’t fully recovered from the accident even still, after 2 months has went past!

    Now 4 days ago (a week before our 1 yr anniversary) I checked my husband’s email just out of curiosity, and found a woman saying she loves my husband! I asked him about it and he denies ever even knowing her! So I replied to her asking what’s that about and she gave me her number! I called and she told me that they were having an affair since the time my husband and I had that bad arguement! She told me that he said we were getting a divorce but never talked to ME about divorce! She sent me all these messages he sent her saying he loves her and wants to marry her and just saying all these romantic things!

    This really sickened me seriously! I thought he loved me and we made up from the argument!! So the girl and I both called him and both of us were pretty upset because 1 I’m his wife and we had a covenent before God and 2, he led this girl into believing he left me when in actuality he didn’t! So after he got caught he ended up telling the truth of course, and saying he was just angry at the fact that we had got into that argument and started drinking on that day and one thing led to another and was angry at the fact that my family was suspicious about the car accident! (But was my family right? Did he purposely get into the car accident to harm me because of his now to find out love affair?)

    He says he is sorry and won’t ever do it again but my problem is its been going on for 2 1/2 months!!! And a day before I found all of this out, we had just been together looking for a new place! So it’s really hard for me to know if he is really sorry and won’t do it again or is he sorry he got caught and just want to move in? It’s just so much!

    In my religion it says basically forgive or God won’t forgive you! And in marriages you go through trials and tribulations. (Is this just a test in my faith??) I know no one is perfect but that bond is broken between us now! He says he really wants to work it out and move into our new place with a fresh start but I’m just so confused. I didnt ever think he would do something like that to me! I forgive him but it’s just that I’m scared and don’t know if I can go through this twice if he did it again!

    It feels to me that it’s just so soon, 4 days ago, that I found all this stuff out and in about 4 days we’ll be moving in together again! My heart hasn’t had any time to heal. I’m very strong but it’s just hard!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE BEFORE I MAKE THE WRONG MISTAKE!!!

  24. (NIGERIA)  Please, my step mum is cheating on my dad and is taking my wife along. I don’t know how to tell the old man cos she already has two children from him. I love my dad. I fear he might be shocked after hearing the story. Please should I tell my dad? If so, how?

    1. I posed this question to my husband Steve and we both came to the same agreement on this matter. You need to pray about this and see what the Lord says to you. What would you want done if you were in your father’s place?

      Here’s what my husband and I concluded: If either of us were in your father’s place, and we found out that our spouse was cheating on us (and your father eventually will) and then we found out that one of our sons knew about this beforehand and didn’t tell us, we would feel doubly betrayed. But that’s just us. Truth and family loyalty is important to us. We would feel that our son would tell us in a kinder way than we could find out otherwise. Would the truth be difficult to take? Absolutely! But it would be even more difficult if we found out from another source, when our son could have been the one to have spoken the “truth” in love, first.

      You don’t have to go into the details. You don’t have to slander your step mum. That’s not for you to do. You just find the right time and place to lovingly tell what you know and leave that truth to him. He may turn on you. Sometimes we turn on the messenger more than the abuser (at least in the beginning). We don’t know what will happen here. You know your dad better than us and you know what you would want done (if the situation were in reverse). Prayerfully consider that and what you believe God would have you do and then go in that direction. Even if your dad turns on you, you will know you did the best you could with the information you discovered. That’s the best you can do.

  25. (AUSTRALIA)  I would love some advice, I am currently married with 2 teenage kids 18 and 17 and have been for 20 years. I am 39 years old this year, 5 weeks ago my male best friend of 5 years was going through some very personal family issues with abuse that happened to him as a child and I was supportive by listening and hugging him when he broke down. One night he was in tears because of the abuse he suffered as a child I reached out and hugged him, he kissed me.

    My husband found out and my life has been a living nightmare since. I am made to check in everywhere I go. I must provide proof of where I am all the times yet he has accused me of meeting my male best friend, and lying etc. He came clean about a trip away he had with 10 mates to Vegas, which I asked him about when he returned as I had one of his friends come over and get drunk and and what he told me astounded me. He said my husband was with someone in Vegas and he swore on his dad’s life back then that simply wasn’t the case. I confronted him and he swore yet again he done nothing wrong. I asked him not to say anything or cause an issue with his friend. He promised he wouldn’t say anything.

    He lied and I found out. He has hidden phone calls with his brother and work colleges and makes a habit of telling his mates about my best friend and I. Any friends I thought I had have walked away from me. I have no family and left for 3 weeks to stay in a hotel. I attempted to take my life twice but failed.

    I returned home as he begged and pleaded he loved me to give us another chance. I agreed as I love him dearly. Since I have been back home he has hidden, lied, accussed me of things that I didn’t do. He told me his dead grandfather whom he has never met came to him whilst he was asleep and told him I was doing wrong again. Now he has told his friends, which are or were our friends, the whole male best friend incident. Not only do I deal with these friends on a work level I also have to deal with them on holidays as we have our house on the river next to theirs.

    I am in despair I have no one to reach out to, or support me. I have paid dearly for my error and now I am made to suffer every waking moment. Please help?

  26. (UNITED STATES) I’m scared, and heartbroken. I’m 32, and my husband Michael recently told me he’d had an affair, while I was pregnant with our third baby, and for the first month of her life. I don’t know what to do, and I need help! We’ve known each other since 1996, and I don’t wanna throw what we have away. I kicked him out, and without him things are bad. But, I’m not sure that I want to stay. I can’t let him betray me again. Things are hard on the two older kids, our 5 year old Vince and our 3 year old Mariah. Mariah’s always been such a daddy’s girl. I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!

  27. Well, about 2 years ago I started noticing the changes in her. Without reason or rhyme they just started happening. I tried to talk with her about things and I asked her why she was acting the way she was. Her response was to me was always I’m not acting strange I’m just tired from work. Ya, if I only knew then what I know now I would have look for help that would put a stop to all this at a point. I never knew she was having an affair with a co-worker; I later found out.

    Well, I actually found this out through confronting her over and over again as I had suspected it. She was just acting to out of normal and when she started spending less time with the kids, I drew a line there. I had to know what was going on. We got in a huge fight that night and she finally told me what was going on and left the house to go and be with Brian, her co-worker. This just tore a hole through our family. She actually just left the kids and me and walked out the door. My heart feel out of my chest and my stomach went in knots. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think straight. I had to take care of the kids, so I held the family together as best I could.

    I went to my preacher and told him what was happening in hopes that he could pray for us and hopefully get her back. After waiting 3 months I decided that it was not working and I searched out other alternative ways of getting her back. During this point I was served with divorce papers. I have never experienced the lack of having a reason to live in life. I wanted to just believe that I didn’t ever get served with them. I just wanted to believe that it was just a dream. My mind could not handle the fact that she actually wanted a divorce from me after all the years together and all over Brian. Well, as anyone else would have done I tried to stall, hoping to find another way out of this, perhaps one where we could be together and be a family once again without Brian in the way of our love.

  28. I am at the point where my spouse is dead to me. He was caught having an affair with a woman who attended our church. At first, I believed him when he said it was over…until I found information several months later proving otherwise. Again, he claimed it was over, yet I was skeptical. My foot wasn’t out the door, but my hand was on the doorknob. Finally, I came across more information which officially closed my heart to him and had me wanting a divorce.

    All the while, he claimed he loved me, wanted his family, was no longer involved with her, etc. We haven’t slept in the same room in months and I am really over it. Just for confirmation, God had me stumble across some more information that proved their affair was far from over. I am angry that he continues to lie and can’t understand why the two of them can’t go off and be together?

    I pray he find peace somehow, but am very angered by their selfishness and disregard for marriage. Oh, she’s married also.

  29. After 24 years of marriage my husband decided to have an emotional affair with the stay at home mom who lives across the street, this went on for nearly 10 months unbeknownst to me. This was over 3 years ago, I am still having issues with getting over it. He seems impatient and insensitive to my healing. Always making quips on how the women in our neighborhood/small town all seem to want him. I am still hurting and very sensitive to these off color jokes he makes about it.

    He says I need to take responsibility for MY part in the breakdown of our marriage which led to his affair, but I am having trust issues because nearly a year after he told me “broke it off with her” he made contact with her again behind my back. He says it was to let her know that it wasn’t right to have the affair at all and all the ugliness that came about from her husband finding as well and it was all innocent for MY protection.

  30. Dear Dr Phil, I have not had an affair with anyone. The women or lady was past with a friend of ours. The man she was seeing told my wife something about her, which is unknown to me. The other day in the supermarket the women gestered a wave in my direction. My wife immediately snapped out! I do not have the time in my life for such an affair. I have treatments three times a week the other days I’m with my wife!! Please help!!!

  31. Hi I have been married 7 years. We are both 55 yrs old. I was suspicious of my husband cheating at work, so I put a minni tape player in his lunch box. The first day when she walked in the building he called her his hero. They immediately started kissing she told him she’s in love with him and he said, I love you; I can’t prove it to you. I’m trying as hard as I can. And he is still denying it. Why won’t he just tell me the truth?

    1. Hi Peggy, I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. I truly feel for you in this situation… therefore here is my answer. Your husband won’t tell you the truth because he’s probably very scared of losing you. The truth is, the forces driving an affair are so strong, that even though he knows it’s wrong, even though he knows it is dangerous… to break free of an affair is extremely difficult. Does your husband know that you are aware of this conversation? I had (I’m ashamed to say) on-line affairs through Facebook, which were ended now 11 months ago by me and my wife through writing letters together. I was very afraid of telling my wife the truth. But I knew I had to do it at some point in time. I will tell you, it was VERY difficult to give up these relationships… even though I love my wife first and foremost, and I said this to the affair partners as well. Thank God these are now ended. I am not proud of them and know I have to be very careful in this area in the future.

      Perhaps you need to carefully make up your own mind about what you want to do next. I believe that your husband needs to know that he cannot keep this up without significant consequences which you are prepared to implement. What should NOT happen is that he retain the conviction that he can keep on doing this without any changes in his life with you. How you do this is a matter of prayer and counsel from friends and family with whom you can freely share these issues.

      I hope these words help Peggy… and I hope for a positive outcome here. Perhaps the following websites will be of help? See what you think:

      Take care Peggy. May God bless you and keep you these days… WP (Work in Progress)