Curiosity in Marriage Kills Assumptions

Curiosity in Marriage - AdobeStock_297896995It’s fun to learn from a variety of different teachers, isn’t it? Well, that’s what we’re doing in this Marriage Insight. We’re giving you the opportunity to learn about curiosity in marriage from Debi Walter. She and her husband Tom have a great website called The Romantic Vineyard. We love their website and love this couple. Plus, they teach a lot of wonderful things that they learned (the hard way) in their 43-year marriage. So, here are a few insights Debi Walter gives:

I’ve been thinking about the importance of curiosity in marriage. Curiosity is what keeps us inquiring about something. When we’re curious we want to know more and don’t assume we’ve discovered all there is to know. Curiosity kills such assumptions.

In marriage curiosity has a huge impact on the continued growth of a relationship.

I’m curious to know why my husband does what he does in the way he does it. Many times, I discover he has a very good reason for the systems he has in place. But sometimes he hasn’t given it much thought. So, being curious reveals things, I don’t know about him.

A child is naturally curious. It teaches them how to talk, walk and explore the world around them. It is a healthy aspect of childhood. A child who is prevented from following their curiosities will be stunted in their growth and knowledge and feel unloved.

To be curious means to have an active desire to learn or know.

Did you catch that? An ACTIVE desire to learn more about our spouse. Most couples begin with lots of curiosity. We can’t get enough of each other and when we are together, we talk incessantly. Once married and the burden of careers and parenting take over, we forget to make this a priority. As a result, we no longer seek to know more. Life is too busy to be curious.

So, how do we maintain this curiosity in marriage? I believe it begins with listening well to our spouse. Most times it’s a spontaneous conversation about something they did, read or heard. You may or may not be ready for this conversation, but there it is. You have a choice to make—put the phone or whatever you’re doing aside and listen.

– Find out what has excited your spouse enough to tell you what they’re thinking.
– Ask more questions.
– Also, realize that your questions may help them understand themselves more too. (We have a lot of them posted for you to use in the Communication Tools topic on this website.)
– Don’t assume they’re telling you the whole story at first.
– See this experience as a curiosity worth the detour, rather than an interruption from your own schedule.
– Doing this will benefit your marriage in ways that may surprise you.

Our spouse should be our highest priority, even over the kids. One day our children will grow up and move away to live their own lives. You don’t want to realize how much your spouse has changed because you failed to be curious about the changes as they were happening. That’s because we all change through the years. What we once loved may no longer be our favorite.

Change Happens!

A friend recently shared that when they were first married, she loved yellow tulips. But she didn’t like how quickly they faded. She no longer enjoyed them because their beauty didn’t last long enough to make it worth the money. Yet, she never thought of telling her husband this fact. So, he continued to buy her yellow tulips for her in a way to bless her; but it was no longer a blessing. Her preference had changed as we all do over time.

Do you know how your spouse is changing? Being curious will help you stay current with all the changes.

“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” (Walt Disney)

Look back on your marriage 5, 10 or 15 years ago. What were you like then? How much have you grown and changed? Imagine the next 10 years. Where do you want your marriage to be? Let curiosity be the fuel that gets you there.

More Curiosity Questions

In line with this, below are a few questions you can ask each other. Make it a 22 Minute Date Time. Tom and Debi Walter posed these questions (among others) in their book, Cherishing Us: 365 Tips for a Healthy Marriage from the Romantic Vineyard. These are great questions from a great book. Hopefully they will spur on your curiosity to ask each other more questions.

• What do I do that makes you smile?

• What is your favorite time of the day? And why is it your favorite?

• What was different about your family as a kid as compared to other families?

• What do you like most about our home?

• Where is your dream vacation if money weren’t an issue?

• What are our strengths together as a couple?

• What is your favorite romantic memory we’ve made together?


• What is different or unique about our marriage from those around us?

• What do you think God is doing in our marriage right now?

• How can I pray for you?

We asked each other these questions on our last anniversary. What an endearing time! Keeping curiosity alive within our marriages can be one of the best things we can do to grow them into healthy, loving ones.

In closing, we want to leave you with one more thought on the matter of curiosity in marriage:

“A common mistake is to stop focusing on the discovery of yourself and your spouse over time. Both a man and woman, if they want their love to last and to grow, must take responsibility for and intentionally focus on this discovery. If they do, the emotion and adventure that drives a new relationship will characterize theirs as well—only with the added treasure of the trust and safety of a more mature relationship.” (Rowan & Mara Fraser)

And to that we say, Amen! It’s important to keep discovering things about each other. And as you apply yourself to do so: “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.(2 Thessalonians 3:5)

Cindy and Steve Wright


To help you further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

7 Essentials - Marriage book


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2 responses to “Curiosity in Marriage Kills Assumptions

  1. I wish I’d have read and followed these sooner with 2 failed marriages and now a broken engagement. I’m failing at the most important part of living.

    1. So sorry Heath. It has got to be hard to look back and see such devastation. I pray others read and take to heart what you wrote.

      But please know that you don’t have to stay in a “failing” position. I encourage you to fall into the arms of Jesus. Cry out to Him; confess, pray for help for the future, and keep asking for help. And then follow what He teaches you. We have a lot posted on this web site that could help you. Look around. I especially hope you will look up, look within, and know that your future can be brighter as you give it to the Lord. I pray God’s blessing on you for a brighter future.