Does your husband feel you love him? And does he feel romanced by you? Are you sure? Both are important to you and to him. Have you asked your husband about this lately? We’re asking you these questions because we’ve found the following to be true. And it may be true for your husband, as well:
“A husband considers romance to be one way and the wife considers it to be another. The wife may make many romantic gestures, which go unnoticed by her husband. That is because it wasn’t romantic to him. He didn’t feel the love in the same way it was given.
What is wrong? Are the gestures extended not romantic or thoughtful? No. Are the recipients ungrateful and self-absorbed? No. The wife is simply not romancing her husband in a way that is romantic to him!
“This is a great truth that once practiced is sure to produce lasting fruit. Study your spouse. Find out what romance means to him or her? It may surprise you! But if you do your homework you will become the master of what really turns your spouse on!” (Debi Walter, from The Romantic Vineyard)
Show Your Husband Love His Way, Rather Than What Makes Sense to You
So, we have a challenge for you! You may feel you do a good job of showing your husband that he is loved. But is it TRULY the way that he best feels loved? That’s what this challenge is all about. It will reveal what MOST speaks love to your husband.
So, to begin, we encourage and challenge you to look over the list below. And then make up a copy to share it with your husband. (Make sure you do this when you are alone together. Plus, make sure you do this at a time when he is not preoccupied with something else.)
And then discuss this list with your husband. Have him check the most meaningful suggestions listed below. He can then point out the ones that are most importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use the suggestions.
But keep in mind that these are ONLY SUGGESTIONS. Don’t feel pressured that you have to use all of them. But look at them as ways to bless and romance your husband.
(ALSO… there’s a list in the “Romantic Ideas” topic, which gives husbands 100 ideas. It is titled, 100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way. So don’t feel slighted. Just share it with him.)
SUGGESTIONS on How to Show Love to Your Husband:
1. Respectfully communicate with him.
2. Let him know in big and small ways that he’s important to you.
3. Plus, purposefully try to listen to his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Show interest in his friends, giving him some time with them (if they’re trust-worthy.)
5. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)
6. Make sure you tell him you love him AND that you like him.
7. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. (D Ramsey)
8. It’s important to protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. When confronting him, realize he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
Other Suggestions:
11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion. And then give him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems. Have FUN!
13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of continually focusing on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.
16. Ease into the negatives when he first gets home.
17. Give him time to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)
18. Don’t allow family members to treat him disrespectfully. Defend him to anyone that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Look for things you can compliment about your husband. Show your appreciation often.
More Ways to Show Love:
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals to achieve together as a marital team.
22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Love protects (1 Cor. 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
Other Ideas:
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings.
32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift that he’d really enjoy.
34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is.
36. Talk in loving, not in nagging or belittling ways.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).
38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.
Remember, all of these “ways to love” are only suggestions:
41. Take special notice of what he does for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people in front of him and when he’s not there.
43. Keep conversations brief when he’s tired—so he isn’t “flooded” by too many words.
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (differ in private when necessary).
46. “Look into your husband’s eyes when he talks to you. This makes him feel that you’re interested.” (J. Clain)
47. Get up with him, and pray with him to start your day together.
48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Participate in shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
Plus, here are More Suggestions of Ways to Show Love:
51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time and space to recover.
52. You can bless him by helping him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: “Handle With Care.”
54. Work to get rid of your own habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.
56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he has done around the house. We all want to feel appreciated.
58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do these things as “unto the Lord.”
59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.
60. Do little things for him. This may include letting him sleep in, bringing him coffee, etc.
61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
Want more suggestions? Read on…
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs (as long as they do not violate God’s ways).
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.
69. Don’t quarrel over words.
70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)
More Suggestions to Consider:
71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.
Here are the Last 20 SUGGESTIONS… Keep Gleaning:
80. Don’t expect him to read your mind (despite your thinking he should— extend grace).
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff, when possible.
83. Put effort in to keep yourself in good shape so he’s especially proud to be with you.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”
86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.
Other Suggestions:
91. Look your best—dress to honor and make him proud to be seen with you when you’re out together.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in it’s related to business or other areas of everyday living.
96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem. They could be for a back scratch or a shoulder rub, etc.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.
The author is unknown, for the list of “100 Ways.”
— ALSO —
In addition, below are links to other web site articles centering on this subject. We encourage you to glean through them, and apply what you believe will work for both of you:
• 50 IDEAS TO INSPIRE YOUR HUSBAND
• 50 THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND TO MAKE HIM FEEL GREAT
Filed under: Romantic Ideas
(SWEDEN) I’m glad I found this list. I’m 19 and I’m getting married this year.
I don’t like how the world today just wants it to be as equal as possible, and because of the fact that women are so disrespectful and thinking the power is theirs, marriages blows up. I DON’T believe in divorce and I’ll never leave my future husband even if it gets tough. You choose your man because you love him and are ready to spend the rest of your life with him. “Always treat others as you want to be treated yourself”
The Bible gives the best advice of everything and people that are commenting things like “we ain’t living in the stone age!” and “it’s not the 50s!” just don’t know how wrong they are. Good advice NEVER gets too old! Just because the world is changing doesn’t mean that our values and books like the Bible should.
People think they are so independent and can do what they want, and drink, party with no limits, do drugs, have sex with who ever crosses your way, and such. But it just hurts them and sooner or later they’ll regret what they did. I just wish they could figure it out earlier cuz doing stupid things doesn’t make you happy in the long run.
Listen to advice that never dies, and most of all to the Bible, because only God knows what’s for our best. If you believe in what’s right and only God, he’ll bless you and save you. In the Bible it says that one day the world will come an end and everyone will see who’s the true God. If you look and find those who really follow the Bible in everything, like you do not steal, murder, worship fake gods, lie and such – then, and only then you are on the right path. I’m just saying, people must obey everything in the Bible to be called his friends. Love to all of you who believe in God.
(AMERICA) If you don’t know God and are not filled with the Holy Spirit, you won’t be able to understand the list. Marriage was created by God and the manual you can only use and fully understand is if you have God’s mind. You won’t get it without Gods input.
So I understand those who think the list is a bunch of rubbish but really, it is a great treasure for us women :) and it works :) I only read the list today and I have spent so much time with God that I already do ninety per cent of the list without realizing it’s a list.
Ask God to pour more of His grace on you and to help you be the woman you ought to be. Remember your marriage is not looking at the other person, your mate. No, it’s about you and God first. So to the lady staying at home, be the best you can be for God, not your husband, and just watch. You are looking at things with your own eyes, not by the Spirit. What you lack is more time and intimacy with God.
(USA) I was looking through this list and I can tell you I’ve done everything around the house. I work a full time job and take care of my two babies, but that just wasn’t enough for him. So I’m divorced; guess some guys are different.
(USA) I completely agree with all of this list. Me and my husband of two years already follow many of these principles. So it was reassuring to know how positively our relationship is going, from the support, to the compassion, to the sex.
I definitely hope we can keep it up as our daughter Gabby ages. We adopted her from the Philippines last year and she has truly become a light in our life. She’s already doing so well when me and Benjamin take her to playtime with some other couples around the neighborhood :) Any suggestions for new parents? I want to guide her as lovingly as possible.
It’s funny, all the debate about the women’s list vs. the men’s list. I feel so lucky that we only have to look at this one, cuts down on the conflict :P
(INDONESIA) Thank you so much for the list. It really helps me to understand my husband.
(USA) We are humans. We need marriage. But both are different. That means male and female. Both are not same. They need family. They wanted to live together. They need to sharing of works, thoughts and respect to each other. Forget their small mistakes and common mistakes. Discuss the views and sharing the problems.
I heard and am watching so many ladies struggle lot. They do not know the beauty of life. Life is sweet you can enjoy it. A husband just part of life. If they hurt you, insult you, don’t feel so sad and mad. Is there any mistake you can’t do again and again? Husbands also have hearts. They are not rocks. They will understand what’s going on. But really, ladies will need to adjust the situations and peace will come. Women need to agree with a husband’s opinion without discussion. Then the husband becomes happy.
Naturally women have more love than man. Love means to give to others without any returns back. That is the secret of love. So if you have love, it will come happy. Happy humans can do a nice job. We need family. Family included kids. How we can manage our kid ? Just like the husband and wife also. Do not talk too much. Do your work. Do the work easily and wisely.
(US) Very helpful sight… gave me insight into what MEN need. Men and women are so very different, I think we tend to assume they have the same needs… Respect is HUGE with men and love is HUGE for women.
(USA) I guess I have a question for all. We both had been married before 17 years, lately having different views that have popped up out of no where. I’ve worked very hard for 47 years, raised 3 children, first marriage. He has worked for military for as long as I’ve known him. We’ve been married 7 years and he recently changed job as veteran’s service officer.
His first wife was bi-polar and really had a lot of problems that she created and took unfair advantage of my husband, spending his retirement without him knowing it. Now hell say I married him for his money; its never ours any more. I have contributed as much as possible, remodeled home – painting, tile work, sewing curtains – all without his help.
Now he says I don’t respect him emotionally; don’t suppurt him in events he likes to do. The last 4 years he has cut me down, not looking the way when we were married, but he doesnt either, but neither of us are ugly. Our personalities are becomming ugly at each other. Every weekend ends up with great friends but always ends in drinking which has lead to more arguments and him blaming me.
I just cant handle him blamming me for everything and cutting me down. I do love him. He snores which makes it hard for me to fall asleep so I sleep in spare room. Yes, I miss sleeping with him. Its beem about 8 months since we have slept together but he does nothing to change a thing, but he feels I dont love him anymore and I’m always wrong, because he’s never wrong or does anything about certain issues. Any suggestions?
(USA) Please read or get the cd of Love & Respect
. It will go over all your questions, for reall!! It is great, you will be glad you did. I am listening to it now to help me understand more how I can show my man respect, I didn’t get it before I got this CD. I know you will see after you get it, it will all be clear. It went over all the questions you have!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Is it only a 100 for each!!!???? Live, love, care and protect each other without to expecting something back and see to each other’s needs, then all will fall in place.
Modern life is no joke. Money has become THE most important thing and in the chase to get it, we forget about what we are here for, really. If you can became One in marriage then nothing can come between you. Children will and can feel it. It is the way they think it should be, and will live it, as well.
(USA) I Love this list. I am always looking for new ways to show my husband that I love and respect him. I am surprised after reading a lot of negative comments. I don’t see where any of those “suggestions” wouldn’t help a relationship, I’m sure that everyone can find one thing on that list that they think they could do to show their man they love them. Some of them are very simular to what he can do to show his wife he loves her. Seems basic knowlege on some of them I think anyway, just my opinion.
Every relationship is different but I do see a change in mine when I put God first. We can only change ourselves, and hope our change inspires our man to want to show us the same love. I read something very interesting, that woman are not commanded to Love their husband, that is something that comes naturally to them, they are commanded to respect their husband. The same goes true with the husband as he is commanded to Love his wife because respect comes naturally to him.
I was often bitter and disrepectful towards my husband; now I see how damaging it can be. I used to think like some of the comments above and I don’t like how it hurt our relationship. It hurts him to the core as it would if he didn’t love me. I never want him to feel that way again. I encourage everyone to read Love & Respect
. I listen to it on the way to work.
(SOUTH AFRICA) You know Shannon… it took my husband telling me that he’s thinking of divorce to realize the Love & Respect rule… and this has made me realize all the “mistakes” I have made in my relationship. I pray everyday for the opportunity to prove to him, that he is making a mistake by leaving… (he is undecided for now – which I think is a good thing).
I have realized my “mistakes” and I have apologized to him for them… I know our marriage can and will be healed… I have to believe that!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I wish I knew this before my husband and I came to this crazy stage in our lives (he is undecided about whether he wants to divorce or not). It’s the smallest things in life which makes all the difference. I just hope that I have the chance to make it all up to my husband one day.
(USA) This list can actually go both ways. I gave my husband 100% and he gave nothing, only took. We are divorced now, but had he treated me like this list describes we would still be together.
(USA) Snap. If the Biblical beliefs aren’t shared, the whole thing is hopeless. Some women can give and give and give and no response. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Only in a perfect world (ie; Heaven) will there be REAL love for these women.
(USA) Shelly, Sweety there is some hope. You can’t worry about the man, but worry about yourself and how you are pleasing the Lord. You would have to pray, and be very specific in what you pray for ways to change yourself, and not your man. You leave the change of your man up to God. He has the power to mold these men.
When we set an example by our works, they will either be grateful and learn from it, or do the total opposite. Don’t let another individual change you. You’re not living for him but for God. You will be truly blessed in the end, whether you are with, or without him. Be blessed.
(PAKISTAN) I had a fight with him last night in which he was rude and he said “call me when you are normal or else don’t call me.” I didn’t call him so that he realizes his mistake. He called me back once but I didn’t pick up. It’s the second day and now he isn’t calling me like he usually does because of his ego. He thinks if I didn’t pick up when he called then he won’t bother calling again so that I break down and call him instead, so that I will be the one saying sorry instead. What do I do? Should I call him or not?
(USA) Farah, So there is no chance that you were not normal during the fight? After all, if you were normal, that would mean fighting is your normal mode. I see two people who are unwilling to pick up the phone and call the other, not just one.
(PAKISTAN) I think saying that I am not normal is a bad choice of words, since the last few weeks he has been saying that quite often during our fights, and in the end I ended up calling him like usual, as I knew his ego wouldn’t let him. I was talking nicely but he was rude and said you could hav texted me after you rejected my call. I said, don’t I have the right to be angry with you? If you wanted to talk you could have called me again. But again, I think he knows his tactics to make me be the one to come back to him. He’s stronger; I’m not.
Over the years this has shown him that I’m completely dependant on him and he can do whatever he wants cuz I can’t take a stand. Nevertheless, he loves me and is marrying me in a couple of months. I love him too but I’m scared internally as every other day we fight. I end up crying and he says I will make you cry till the time you learn to change yourself. How can a person love someone so much and feel no pain in making them cry? Maybe because he has seen me cry so many times and I always end up going bak to him, which has made him feel indispensable. How do I change him so that in the future I can stay happily married?
(AUSTRALIA) Farah, why are you marrying someone who makes you cry? Sure, if you break up now, you may be very upset. But don’t cry over someone who makes you cry.
He can’t and shouldn’t change you and you sure can’t change him. You can only change yourself. By marrying him, you are making him your god because you said you end up doing what he wants so he has power over you. That’s not marriage, that’s idolatory. You can make the choice now.
He may pressure you but is God’s voice louder than his? If you don’t know God’s voice (because intimidation often takes that away), seek His Word and see if subjugation in a relationship is His will. If it’s not, you know what to do.
(PAKISTAN) I am marrying him because he has a nice heart; he takes care of me, gives me advice when I get ill, takes more care about my eating patterns than I do myself, promises to make me happy after marriage. And the reason he doesn’t console me when I’m crying is because he thinks by doing that he will make me weak and dependent, also because it’s my fault in his eyes.
Secondly, I am what you can call addicted to him. I’ve tried staying apart; it doesn’t last more than a day and I go in depression. But nonetheless, these fights do happen like it’s a routine. I keep praying to God to make my relationship better, but how do I really know if we are right for each other in the sight of God?
I hope God actually opens up his heart and puts some realization in him. Any other suggestions apart from leaving him?? I will appreciate it. Thank you.
(AUSTRALIA) The best predictor of future behaviour is the past. Don’t believe promises – look at actions. If you are fighting every other day and you’re not happy now, it’s not going to be any different once you are married. Or it may be better for a while, but because the “red flags” are there, it is only a matter of time (maybe a few years) before it will all turn for the worse. Seems like your trust level is very high, and sense of harm avoidance is low. That makes you more vulnerable to him.
Does God want you to be an addict? Addiction is something you can break. Nicotine addicts, drug addicts can overcome their addictions – it’s no different for you. Your addiction sounds more like trauma bonding – it is the strong sense of loyalty, support and pull towards a person who is destructive and toxic to you. In fact, research shows that the more a person is exploitative, the greater the bonding, so don’t feel shame – it’s not your fault. Once you get the revelation, you can do something about it. You are stronger than you think – you are not weak.
I highly recommend “Why is he so mean to me?
” by Cindy Burrell, a Christian who went through a similar experience to you, and recovered. Her website is hurtbylove.com. It is NOT going to get better just like that. But there is hope.
(USA) Was this written in the cave man days?