Does your husband feel you love him? And does he feel romanced by you? Are you sure? Both are important to you and to him. Have you asked your husband about this lately? We’re asking you these questions because we’ve found the following to be true. And it may be true for your husband, as well:
“A husband considers romance to be one way and the wife considers it to be another. The wife may make many romantic gestures, which go unnoticed by her husband. That is because it wasn’t romantic to him. He didn’t feel the love in the same way it was given.
What is wrong? Are the gestures extended not romantic or thoughtful? No. Are the recipients ungrateful and self-absorbed? No. The wife is simply not romancing her husband in a way that is romantic to him!
“This is a great truth that once practiced is sure to produce lasting fruit. Study your spouse. Find out what romance means to him or her? It may surprise you! But if you do your homework you will become the master of what really turns your spouse on!” (Debi Walter, from The Romantic Vineyard)
Show Your Husband Love His Way, Rather Than What Makes Sense to You
So, we have a challenge for you! You may feel you do a good job of showing your husband that he is loved. But is it TRULY the way that he best feels loved? That’s what this challenge is all about. It will reveal what MOST speaks love to your husband.
So, to begin, we encourage and challenge you to look over the list below. And then make up a copy to share it with your husband. (Make sure you do this when you are alone together. Plus, make sure you do this at a time when he is not preoccupied with something else.)
And then discuss this list with your husband. Have him check the most meaningful suggestions listed below. He can then point out the ones that are most importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use the suggestions.
But keep in mind that these are ONLY SUGGESTIONS. Don’t feel pressured that you have to use all of them. But look at them as ways to bless and romance your husband.
(ALSO… there’s a list in the “Romantic Ideas” topic, which gives husbands 100 ideas. It is titled, 100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way. So don’t feel slighted. Just share it with him.)
SUGGESTIONS on How to Show Love to Your Husband:
1. Respectfully communicate with him.
2. Let him know in big and small ways that he’s important to you.
3. Plus, purposefully try to listen to his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Show interest in his friends, giving him some time with them (if they’re trust-worthy.)
5. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)
6. Make sure you tell him you love him AND that you like him.
7. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. (D Ramsey)
8. It’s important to protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. When confronting him, realize he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
Other Suggestions:
11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion. And then give him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems. Have FUN!
13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of continually focusing on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.
16. Ease into the negatives when he first gets home.
17. Give him time to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)
18. Don’t allow family members to treat him disrespectfully. Defend him to anyone that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Look for things you can compliment about your husband. Show your appreciation often.
More Ways to Show Love:
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals to achieve together as a marital team.
22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Love protects (1 Cor. 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
Other Ideas:
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings.
32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift that he’d really enjoy.
34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is.
36. Talk in loving, not in nagging or belittling ways.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).
38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.
Remember, all of these “ways to love” are only suggestions:
41. Take special notice of what he does for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people in front of him and when he’s not there.
43. Keep conversations brief when he’s tired—so he isn’t “flooded” by too many words.
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (differ in private when necessary).
46. “Look into your husband’s eyes when he talks to you. This makes him feel that you’re interested.” (J. Clain)
47. Get up with him, and pray with him to start your day together.
48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Participate in shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
Plus, here are More Suggestions of Ways to Show Love:
51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time and space to recover.
52. You can bless him by helping him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: “Handle With Care.”
54. Work to get rid of your own habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.
56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he has done around the house. We all want to feel appreciated.
58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do these things as “unto the Lord.”
59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.
60. Do little things for him. This may include letting him sleep in, bringing him coffee, etc.
61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
Want more suggestions? Read on…
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs (as long as they do not violate God’s ways).
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.
69. Don’t quarrel over words.
70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)
More Suggestions to Consider:
71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.
Here are the Last 20 SUGGESTIONS… Keep Gleaning:
80. Don’t expect him to read your mind (despite your thinking he should— extend grace).
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff, when possible.
83. Put effort in to keep yourself in good shape so he’s especially proud to be with you.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”
86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.
Other Suggestions:
91. Look your best—dress to honor and make him proud to be seen with you when you’re out together.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in it’s related to business or other areas of everyday living.
96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem. They could be for a back scratch or a shoulder rub, etc.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.
The author is unknown, for the list of “100 Ways.”
— ALSO —
In addition, below are links to other web site articles centering on this subject. We encourage you to glean through them, and apply what you believe will work for both of you:
• 50 IDEAS TO INSPIRE YOUR HUSBAND
• 50 THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND TO MAKE HIM FEEL GREAT
Filed under: Romantic Ideas
(USA) So someone sent me this list and I’m not sure they reviewed it before sending it on. Forgive me if there is a counterpart to this list above that I have not seen.
About 1/2 of the things listed above I think should be used equally husband to wife AND wife to husband. The other half remind me of an advice columnist from 1950. I want and deserve the same respect and love I give to my husband. This list implies the woman has all the work to uphold the marriage and keep it running smoothly.
(KENYA) The list is ok as it is. The thing is, the suggestions could cross over but basically men and women have different needs. Search around this website and see the womans list.
(USA) All I can say is "All the time you spent putting these points down in writing must have helped thousands of people around the globe, and you will be blessed every time 1 wife tries to do 1 out of the 100 things…" So You are blessed as you get in multiples!!
(USA) Every husband I know would put this at the top of the list: Enjoy passionate sex with him often. If he would like to have sex four times a week, you will show the most love for him by figuring out a way to have at least that many sexual encounters with him each week. You cannot just do this by determination if your desire level is lower. But there are plenty of books that can help.
So if you want to show love for your husband, become the lover of his dreams. Dress up, try new things, pursue him and show him your desire. God created sex for marriage. Celebrate your marriage sexually with your husband and never abuse sex as a method for control or punishment.
(US) I must agree with Kari. This list is a step in the wrong direction. Men are bored after they have been married for a bit and the female is not in charge of keeping his attention. He should want and desire the relationship or say farewell. Marriage is about compromise and equality. Unfortunately, not all men understand this.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Because I want to shower my wife with similiar affections, I was able to find a counterpart list with ease. Many of us men understand that marriage is not a one way street and that marriage is a constant maintenance issue.
As my stepdad taught me – my old pickup is not going to keep running well unless I take care of it. My house will not stand unless I continue the necessary repairs. Some of the repairs may have been caused by direct damage done by me. Others will have been caused by external factors or third parties. And, sometimes it is nice to wash the truck or paint the house just so that they look nice and other know that you appreciate them. I think what I am trying to say is obvious to marriage.
Ladies and Gents here is the other list – https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-wife-her-way/
Some of the ladies express discontent with the love-your-husband-his-way list for whatever reason. It’s not my place to determine why. But my question is – would you be upset or hurt if men balked at the love-your-wife-her-way list? Especially if they didn’t at least try some of the things on the list?
One last final note – It is a lot easier to love and respect a person who loves and respects me.
(BOTSWANA) I totally agree with Mary. Men, seem to get bored a few minutes after their marriage. It is like they’re always looking out for a new event. He has impressed you, married you and supposedly made you happy. That is it! Mission accomplished. Now, he must move on.
(USA) I both agree with what Kari and Mary and Mbali have said, but I also agree with points that Richard made as well. Keep in mind what this list is supposed to achieve. It’s a list that is supposed to help you demonstrate love to your husband in ways that makes him feel valued — not all of it will apply. There is another list for husbands to use to show a wife love in ways that she feels valued. There is no requirement to use this list. It’s just something to help you for added insights.
Sometimes we just aren’t gifted in thinking up ways to show our spouse how much we love and appreciate them. Also, not everyone perceives acts of love in the same way. (The book, “The 5 Love Languages” is a great one to explain this better than I can.)
I came to understand this later in our marriage. Something that really means a lot to me is “Acts of Service.” Some women like receiving flowers from their husband. When their husband gives them roses or flowers, they feel VERY loved. I don’t. Flowers die. And while I appreciate flowers in the yard, receiving them seems like a waste of money to me for something that dies so quickly.
My husband used to bring them home to me and would think I’d feel especially loved because of it. I felt loved because of the gesture, but it didn’t really hold the same meaning for me as it would other women who would receive them from their husbands. But if my husband would do the dishes or fill my car with gas or wash my car or do something physically to relieve my work load, I’d be ecstatic and would feel very loved. I’d feel inside that he noticed how tired I was and valued me enough to do something to relieve the pressure I felt. It registered high on my love scale. Flowers and gifts are nice, but DOING something for me is more meaningful. It’s just the way I’m wired. Other women are wired differently.
On the other hand, I used to think that my husband Steve would feel the same way as I did when it came to my doing things for him. So I used to go out of my way to do extra little things for him and thought it would have the same meaning for him as it would me.
While he DID appreciate it, it didn’t hold the same meaning. And that would perplex me. But if I scratch his back or spend quality time with him or go out of my way to romance him and am intimate with him, he feels ESPECIALLY valued and loved. It’s the way he’s wired. I may not understand it, but that’s not the point. A true gift of love is one where you get behind their eyes and in their head and figure out what means the most to THEM — not you.
After reading and comprehending the concepts contained in the book “The 5 Love Languages” it has revolutionized the way we see all of this. I highly recommend the book.
Also, I can understand the points that Kari and Mary and Mbali have made. I’ve been praying about my response (and also if I should make a response). I feel I need to. Yes, I agree that many men… and might even say that a majority of men (although not all), have a “hunt and conquer” mind-set. They find themselves attracted to women, and then find that woman that they feel especially close to and fall in love with, and then they marry her. But after they marry and the bio-chemicals (and other factors) kick into another gear, they focus their attention on other areas of life, like a career or just maintaining a living wage, etc. And once that happens, they can neglect to keep speaking their wife’s love language like they did before they married them.
In all fairness, a lot (and even most) women tend to do the same thing in a different way– their main focus of attention goes to the children, rather than things outside of the home. And we can argue that children are needy and need more attention — which is true, but sometimes we give them more attention than we should (and yet we find ways to justify it, just like husbands find ways to justify their actions).
And we can also argue that if the husband helped more (after-all, it’s their children too), they’d have more energy in reserve — which is also true. But there are arguments that can be made by the men on that as well. My husband and I have dealt with those arguments in the past and when I REALLY looked at the whole picture, I’ve had to make compromises, and so has he (when he looked at the whole picture in truth as well). That’s what marriage is… a lot of compromising and working through issues in partnership.
Whatever the case, both men and women see things from different lenses and different angles. What I’ve learned is that we’re wired differently. And different isn’t usually “wrong” — it’s just different. (We have a whole section on “Gender Differences” that can help us to better comprehend some of the complexities involved that you might want to read through.)
Women SEEM to be more relationally wired (there are exceptions to this) where men SEEM to be more challenge and conquer oriented (there are exceptions to this as well). That doesn’t mean that men can’t step up and be relational because they can… but usually it’s for a shorter time (with a goal in sight) and it doesn’t mean that women can’t be conquerors of challenges — because they do this a lot, but it’s usually with relationship goals in sight because of the way they seem to be wired by God, our Creator.
And within all of this in the mix, there are men as well as women who are narcissistic, and some who have mental illnesses and personality disorders they are engulfed in, and others who are addicted to thrill-seeking of some type (to drugs, alcohol, sex, and/or gambling, or for ways to receive new “highs”). Some have addictive personalities where they have weaknesses that they need to fight for the rest of their lives and others will fall into addiction because of boredom or giving into a periodic lack of better judgment, or whatever. But I believe that MOST men and women basically want and can do what is good for a marriage. It’s just that they lose sight or don’t know what it takes to make that happen.
Author David Viscott wrote, “Relationships seldom die because they suddenly have no life left in them. They wither slowly, either because people do not understand how much or what kind of upkeep, time, work, love, and caring they require or because people are too lazy or afraid to try.” I agree. I believe that God wired us to be in community together — especially for marriage (with some for singleness apart from marriage). What one person lacks the other can step up and help them with; and what they lack, the other can help. What they both lack, they can learn; and what they both can do well, they can learn how to make that work for the better of the relationship as well. It’s give and take and the art of learning how much and when to do what.
The scriptures talk about how the one who is stronger can and should help the weaker, when it is possible. It also talks about how the body is created and not everyone is an “ear” or a “mouth” or an “eye” — we all have different creativeness and when we work together, we can make the best of what God has given to us.
I’ve also learned that marriage is a partnership that takes a lot of skill in learning each other, as well as learning what God intends for us, and learning how to make our marriages work. It’s not a “natural” process. Left to our own ways, we will have a tendency to be self-centered and won’t do what we should (see: Romans 7:15-25).
I also agree with Mark Gungor in his book “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” where he says “The thing that makes marriage wonderful is WORK. But we need more than work; we need SKILL. Just because we are willing to work for a great marriage does not mean we have the skills to actually pull one off. Those skills take time and knowledge. The longer we wait to learn those skills, the more we are apt to tumble from one painful relationship to another — each one building a case on the past one, convincing us we will NEVER be able to be happy with the spouse we are with.”
I also agree with something else he said to women (since I’m addressing mostly women who have expressed discontent here — and understandably so — I’ve been there and have done that myself). Mark Gungor also wrote in his book, concerning working on relationship issues when a man seems clueless or doesn’t seem interested: “Men don’t mind talking about specific issues. What they hate is when one issue leads to another and then another and then another…”
Ladies, “keep in mind that men DON’T LIKE working on relationships. A guy will assume, that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Men think that the best possible thing one can do for a relationship is to leave it alone. To a guy, the idea of reading a book on relationships rates right up there with root canals and rectal exams.
“Women, on the other hand, LIKE to work on their relationships (or are at least more willing). A woman enjoys tilling the relational gardens of her life — planting, fertilizing, weeding, pruning — all the while cherishing each and every improvement she sees, as her relational ‘garden’ grows and thrives.” And from what I see, this seems to be true of most women — there are always exceptions — I get that, and Mark Gungor gets that. But generally, this seems to be true. There’s more that you might benefit from reading on all of this that you could gain by reading Mark Gungor’s book “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage.” I obviously can’t give you as extensive insight in this comment section as reading the book can give you.
But what I’ve personally learned is that to have a good marriage, you have to become students of each other and what it takes to make your marriage the best it can be. Every relationships contain different dynamics. And with some, one partner can be either “relationship-challenged”, “relationship naive” and/or “relationship lazy” for a period of time or longer. When that comes into play, I believe the other then needs to pray and ask God FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO OBTAIN WISDOM ON THE MATTER. And then it takes persevering in doing what God shows you, to be the marriage partner who goes the “extra mile.”
For us, I’ve learned that I’m more relationship-oriented and perceptive. It’s my natural bent, and it isn’t Steve’s. He’s MUCH better at this than he was before and at times even goes far beyond what I do (now that we’ve been married for so many years and have been learning together). But there have been times when he’s dug his heals in and I’ve had to go to the Lord to figure out how to move our relationship forward so we BOTH feel our needs are being met by each other and/or by the Lord.
I used to complain about it and have felt sorry for myself, but I’ve learned that this is where partnership comes in. Where one lacks, the other picks up the slack. And what’s the huge deal if I’m usually the initiator on this area of our marriage? I’ve got a GREAT husband and eventually, my needs and wants are more than met. If it takes being the initiator for the rest of our lives together, I’ll take that ANYTIME over clinging to what I think might be “right” and having the initiating come equally from both of us. Steve does other things that I lack and he doesn’t usually complain. And if he does, I find ways to respectfully remind him that we each do things that contribute to the betterment of our marriage. It all works out in the end.
What do you do if a marriage partner won’t do their part in showing love to you? That’s something you need to pray about, and KEEP in prayer. It’s different for everyone. As humans, we put a time limit on things. If we lack wisdom, keep asking. God has a bigger plan. He may be trying to get us to exercise our “persevering” muscle, so to speak. Or it may be that there are other things involved and God will show you that at the right time.
Keep persevering and praying. We have a lot of articles on our web site that you may want to read to help you in all of this. God will show you if the advice is for you or not or by reading some of this, the Holy Spirit may spark another idea or give you a different insight to consider. Don’t limit what He can do through one partner who is willing to be fully open to doing what God leads.
I apologize for the lengthy answer. I pray all of this helps.
(KENYA) I have been practicing most of these things and they really work. My husband even tells me he finds nothing that he needs me to change or improve in the way I treat him or the way I run they family. I thank God for such a wonderful man in my life. I encourage all the ladies to practice them and see how their men will tremendously improve. But as you do this don’t expect him to do the same in return so soon. Also, don’t even tell him that you are practicing them. Let his see your actions.
(NIGERIA) Your write up is quit interesting. I read it with my wife and we find it helpful. Keep it up.
(NIGERIA) This is is quit interesting, i have been looking for such tools that will help me cherish my Husband the more, i found this site helpful, it helps me to restore my love, how a good woman should run her homes and even make my family life happy, this has help me to become a good wife.
Ladies putting this into practice as i ve will safeguide your home.
(USA) I’m so glad I found this list. I just hope I didn’t find it too late.
(PHILIPPINES) Thank you for this post and the HER way post. After being married for over 23 years, it’s nice to read about 1) a lot of familiar things I/my husband have done in the past – and 2) new ways (which you have shared) — to show love to each other. I must have been led to this website just-in-time for Valentine’s day. This is a comprehensive list worth sharing with family and friends. Thank you and God bless! http://www.amomandmore.com
(USA) I have been married for 35 years but I have known my husband for 40 years but I will tell you what, he is the most unromantic man I will ever know. He told me he would tell me when he does not love me. But we get along well and I know He loves me and it will always be that way. We have two grown sons out on their own and doing fine. I just wanted someone to wish me HAPPY VALENTINES day. I never Got A Happy Valentine’s kiss or anything.
(USA) I know that if you want your marriage to get better you don’t send your wife this list after you have ignored her for 18 hours.
(CANADA) The first list I looked at was the "How to show your WIFE…" list, in order to help my husband understand my needs. He read it (among similar pages I found), then we talked things out. In conversation, I realized I, too, needed to check in and see if I were doing all I could to show him my love and appreciation. I was happy to find that some of them I already do, and happy to find more ideas.
If you are calling BS on this list, I urge you to read the other list as well. It helps to make more sense, and you will find some of these suggestions less offensive. For example: The give your husband sex more often suggestion. This becomes less offensive when you understand that on the "how to show your wife.." list it explains that you spend time giving your wife love and affection in the way she needs it, she will then be more open to reciprocation. This is so true. Make me feel loved and I will want to give you love your way. Simple as that.
I honestly think the husband and the wife list should be done together, not separately. I have found it extremely beneficial to my 4 year marriage, and I thank you for putting it up there.