Does your husband feel you love him? And does he feel romanced by you? Are you sure? Both are important to you and to him. Have you asked your husband about this lately? We’re asking you these questions because we’ve found the following to be true. And it may be true for your husband, as well:
“A husband considers romance to be one way and the wife considers it to be another. The wife may make many romantic gestures, which go unnoticed by her husband. That is because it wasn’t romantic to him. He didn’t feel the love in the same way it was given.
What is wrong? Are the gestures extended not romantic or thoughtful? No. Are the recipients ungrateful and self-absorbed? No. The wife is simply not romancing her husband in a way that is romantic to him!
“This is a great truth that once practiced is sure to produce lasting fruit. Study your spouse. Find out what romance means to him or her? It may surprise you! But if you do your homework you will become the master of what really turns your spouse on!” (Debi Walter, from The Romantic Vineyard)
Show Your Husband Love His Way, Rather Than What Makes Sense to You
So, we have a challenge for you! You may feel you do a good job of showing your husband that he is loved. But is it TRULY the way that he best feels loved? That’s what this challenge is all about. It will reveal what MOST speaks love to your husband.
So, to begin, we encourage and challenge you to look over the list below. And then make up a copy to share it with your husband. (Make sure you do this when you are alone together. Plus, make sure you do this at a time when he is not preoccupied with something else.)
And then discuss this list with your husband. Have him check the most meaningful suggestions listed below. He can then point out the ones that are most importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use the suggestions.
But keep in mind that these are ONLY SUGGESTIONS. Don’t feel pressured that you have to use all of them. But look at them as ways to bless and romance your husband.
(ALSO… there’s a list in the “Romantic Ideas” topic, which gives husbands 100 ideas. It is titled, 100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way. So don’t feel slighted. Just share it with him.)
SUGGESTIONS on How to Show Love to Your Husband:
1. Respectfully communicate with him.
2. Let him know in big and small ways that he’s important to you.
3. Plus, purposefully try to listen to his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Show interest in his friends, giving him some time with them (if they’re trust-worthy.)
5. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)
6. Make sure you tell him you love him AND that you like him.
7. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. (D Ramsey)
8. It’s important to protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. When confronting him, realize he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
Other Suggestions:
11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion. And then give him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems. Have FUN!
13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of continually focusing on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.
16. Ease into the negatives when he first gets home.
17. Give him time to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)
18. Don’t allow family members to treat him disrespectfully. Defend him to anyone that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Look for things you can compliment about your husband. Show your appreciation often.
More Ways to Show Love:
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals to achieve together as a marital team.
22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Love protects (1 Cor. 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
Other Ideas:
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings.
32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift that he’d really enjoy.
34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is.
36. Talk in loving, not in nagging or belittling ways.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).
38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.
Remember, all of these “ways to love” are only suggestions:
41. Take special notice of what he does for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people in front of him and when he’s not there.
43. Keep conversations brief when he’s tired—so he isn’t “flooded” by too many words.
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (differ in private when necessary).
46. “Look into your husband’s eyes when he talks to you. This makes him feel that you’re interested.” (J. Clain)
47. Get up with him, and pray with him to start your day together.
48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Participate in shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
Plus, here are More Suggestions of Ways to Show Love:
51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time and space to recover.
52. You can bless him by helping him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: “Handle With Care.”
54. Work to get rid of your own habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.
56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he has done around the house. We all want to feel appreciated.
58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do these things as “unto the Lord.”
59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.
60. Do little things for him. This may include letting him sleep in, bringing him coffee, etc.
61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
Want more suggestions? Read on…
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs (as long as they do not violate God’s ways).
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.
69. Don’t quarrel over words.
70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)
More Suggestions to Consider:
71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.
Here are the Last 20 SUGGESTIONS… Keep Gleaning:
80. Don’t expect him to read your mind (despite your thinking he should— extend grace).
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff, when possible.
83. Put effort in to keep yourself in good shape so he’s especially proud to be with you.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”
86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.
Other Suggestions:
91. Look your best—dress to honor and make him proud to be seen with you when you’re out together.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in it’s related to business or other areas of everyday living.
96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem. They could be for a back scratch or a shoulder rub, etc.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.
The author is unknown, for the list of “100 Ways.”
— ALSO —
In addition, below are links to other web site articles centering on this subject. We encourage you to glean through them, and apply what you believe will work for both of you:
• 50 IDEAS TO INSPIRE YOUR HUSBAND
• 50 THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND TO MAKE HIM FEEL GREAT
Filed under: Romantic Ideas
(NIGERIA) Great Job. I must say your write-up is really encouraging and I know if I take it to heart, my marriage would be a wao experience. It’s just that most often women react faster than they think but with this, I am going to do the extras from now on. Cheers.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you for this list. I’ve been married almost two years now. Last night I almost walked out on my husband with our little two year old daughter, due to the really bad arguement we had. I didn’t want to talk, and he became angrier with me, and scared me into apologizing. I felt humiliated and hurt.
I cried the whole night, and a little bit today. I am not completly healed over that. He did apologize to me today. I should’ve apologized to him in the first place. It is evident that we do not know how to treat each other, so I am looking forward to learning how to show my husband that I do care and love him.
(SCANDINAVIA) These are fabulous and I love them. I’ve tried to do a lot of this to my fiance already, but this will advise me more. I’ve studied these many times now and will do more. How do I get my fiance interested in reading the 100 Ways You Can Love Your Wife HER Way? I tried to tell him how a wonderful website I found and sent him a copy to his email a few weeks ago and he hasn’t shown any interest, which has made me feel a bit low.
(USA) Hi Satu, It’s difficult to MAKE someone do nice things for you and show love to you in ways that you best receive it unless they realize the importance. It’s just not sustainable. And it IS important — the growth and stability of the marriage.
Here’s something that marriage expert Dr John Gottman (who has found a way to predict with 90 per cent accuracy whether a marriage will last) says about marriage predictability:
“The issue isn’t whether you fight, it’s how you fight and HOW RICH YOUR STOCKPILE OF GOOD FEELINGS is about each other to weather difficulties and keep your basic attitude toward your partner positive. At the heart of my research is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship—a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. A couple that keeps their friendship strong despite the inevitable disagreements and irritations of married life experiences what I call ‘positive sentiment over-ride’ — their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings,” He tells us. “It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple.”
It comes down to the importance of knowing that couples NEED to stockpile good feelings towards each other so romancing and doing loving things for each other helps keep their love alive to get through the tough times together. Without doing that, it’s difficult to sustain having even a mediocre type of marriage.
The fact that your fiancé is already showing that he isn’t interested in stepping beyond his own comfort zone to do things that best shows love to you (especially when you specifically ask) is something I’d be concerned about. It indicates that this kind of thing isn’t important to him and gives you a glimpse into what you can expect after you marry. It’s an indication that he will receive loving gestures from you, but he won’t go out of his way to romance you as well. And that can chink away at you after a while.
If you’re one who longs to have little gestures of love shown to you at various times, then you’ll live with many hurts and feeling “low” over this matter for all of your lives together.
You may give your fiancé the benefit of the doubt because some men aren’t very romantic and need help with this type of thing. But if they aren’t even willing to stretch beyond their comfort zone to do this at all and be willing to do this for the rest of your lives together –ESPECIALLY when you make it easier by providing a list, I’d be concerned.
At this point, you have to decide if this is what you can live with day in and day out for the rest of your life. I sure wouldn’t want to– little gestures of love are important to me. But maybe you can. If so, then you’re marrying the right man. If not… consider the future of being married to him. Most likely he will be more caught up in approaching married life as a receiver rather than a giver AND a receiver.
I encourage you to get him to go with you into the “Marriage Preparation Materials” section (and other pre-marriage sections) to honestly discuss together the questions and read and discuss the issues brought up so you both have a better idea of what you’ll both be living with if you decide to marry. If he doesn’t want to do this, then I’d be VERY skeptical about marrying him, because it wouldn’t seem that he views marriage as a partnership, but rather as a “you put up with how I am, and the way I want to do things, and if you don’t like it, that’s too bad for you.” It becomes a marriage of “convenience” — “what is ‘convenient’ to me is fine… but don’t ask more from me than that.”
NOW is the time to decide if you’ll be good marriage partners together. You may just be good together on a temporary basis, but not over the long term. Now is the time to try to work out all the issues you can (some will have to be worked out after marriage, but do what you can now)– and this type of issue is one of them.
I wouldn’t marry unless I knew that my future husband valued me as the Bible talks about in Ephesians 5 “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and CARES for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body.” Please prayerfully consider what I’ve written. It could save you years of future heart-aches.
(UNITED STATES) Loving my husband is very easy for one main reason – we both love GOD first. Every day is not perfect but with GOD in our lives it makes marriage a lot easier. GOD has to be first in any and everything. GOD is the answer; and if we both were not saved we would disagree on a lot of things.
(US) This site was so helpful and eye opening! I found myself always putting the blame on my husband for our marital problems. Always assuming there was something he needed to change to make things run a little smoother. After reading this it was almost like a slap in the face. there are so many things on this list that I do… or don’t do for that matter that could have made a HUGE improvement in our relationship a long time ago. I now realize there are some things that need to change on my end as well as his. So now by applying this to my day-to-day, I’m on a path a to a better stronger relationship with him through Christ. – Now my journey begins!
(USA) These are good tips. This is what women should naturally do to make their husbands happy. God put us on this earth to be a companion to men and make them enjoy life. If the man treats you bad even after performing most of these, then he’s probably not the right guy to be with, unfortunatelly. I know if I did more of these, my husband would be inspired to love me my way. It’s the way God meant it to be. And with his help, we’ll live a longer happier life together, no matter what.
(USA) I have only been married for 3 years and have had almost everything thrown at me through lack of leadership from my husband. What did I expect when we married young and didnt take the time to really figure out what marriage meant? But this article, along with a bunch of books and other resources, has helped us tremendously. My husband wants to lead our family and I want that also, but I have to help guide him in that process. I am his wife and best friend and companion, and if he can’t trust me to help guide him then what good am I to him?
Just like every woman wants to be recognized and treated like they are precious and one-of-a-kind, so do men. They just don’t speak about it on a regular basis the way women do. But I learned through a book that all the nice things I do for him can’t be out of manipulation. So I pray every night that God will help show him how to be the man for our family and that he grows into the man he is supposed to be and that I can accept it.
Along with this article, I strongly suggest 2 books… The 5 Love languages and The Power of a Praying Wife. The first is for both husband and wife, and the second has all different kinds of books along with that one… for husbands, parents and wives. They have been an amazing help and have helped me realize that I am extremely detrimental in my husbands mental, spiritual, emotional and physical well being, just as he is to me. There isn’t anything out there not worth doing to show that he is appreciated. A man performs in life so much better when he feels he is doing right by his family from what I have seen. So what if that means you have to take a little time to write a note or make a lunch? The roof over my head and clothes on our kids’ backs and the arms around me at night are payment enough for those little efforts.
(USA) Hi, I think that list is a bunch of crap… “that List” is exactly the reason men act like spoiled children. They think they should be treated like a king when they treat their wives like slaves. More women need to stand up for themselves… this is just my opinion because I have seen too many women treated with disrepect by their husbands. The more you do for them… the more they expect you to do.
(USA) I am so happy to find this page because my husband treats me very good and I am so opposite of this article. Coming from a culture where it’s shameful to show your affection towards your husband and growing up in a family who believes this, it was hard for me to do otherwise. I came to the United States and married an American husband.
Now, my husband is wonderful and treats me like a queen and even though I feel bad about it, I treat him so bad. I want to change and be a good wife before I lose this amazing husband. He is so kind and loving and understanding. So when I tell him I need time to change, he gives it to me, but I know that he can only take so much. We have been married for two years and since the begining of my marriage I have been acting like this. I want to change before my angel goes away. This is a good start. So from the bottom of my heart I want to say thank you so much. I have already started doing some of the things and it’s kinda not like me and sounds so unnatural, but my husband is loving it and is confused at the same time. Thanks again.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I love the list, it made me to want to get married so that I can do what is listed.
(INDIA) It is so helpful… though we know all these, we might forget these when it comes to real life. Little things can make much difference in life, it’s true. A candle can’t light them up …it needs a hand to help to get lighten. That’s the way it is…
(USA) WOW!! Are you still married?
(CANADA) I agree. If you love someone then you will do things for each other equally. It is, however, great to have the list just to see if you actually do these things or run out of ideas.
(USA) Very true. I have been married 20 years to the same man and I know there are alot of good ideas here. It doesn’t mean that I let him walk all over me. He is a good man and treats me very well.
(USA PROUDLY) Erin, while some might not agree with what you had said, primarily in the choice of words you had used, I do agree that marriage is based on making some compromises. Yes a wife should have her feet rubbed by her husband if her feet need some TLC. You shouldn’t sugar coat anything; honesty is always the best policy in all things but you don’t need to do it so brashly.
Take #93 ~ if you disagreed with your husband and you are blessed with children, do you argue in front of them? This list is not to tell you how to act with your husband it just gives you some tips and tricks that you might want to use that maybe you haven’t in a long time. Never take your spouse for granted.
(EGYPT) Actually these ways are effective to get our husbands love . Also wives and husbands have to search for mutual understanding and mutual area between them. God gave women a great deal of intelligence to deal men. It is not wrong to discuss with your hasband about what he likes and dislikes in your personality. Thanks for these advices.