This article was prompted by an email we received here at Marriage Missions. It concerns age gap. Should it matter? We have edited it and changed the name to protect the identity of this writer.
Email Concerning Age Gap:
I have an issue on my mind that bothers me about marriages. I have found lately that couples tend to use the differences in ages as a barrier to keep them apart. This is looking into the flesh, rather than what God has planned for them together. Our marriages are supposed to fulfill the purposes God has for us together. I believe that God chooses us as human beings put together to fulfill His purposes.
It’s sad that couples that have the same desire to serve the Lord, are God-fearing, compatible, and have many other healthy ingredients to have a successful marriage, stay apart because of what society thinks of them differing in ages. It’s more so if the man is younger that the woman.
Many Thanks,
A Concerned Reader
Dear Concerned:
You make several excellent points in your letter about this issue. Age differences and the role it plays in marriage can definitely be used in a “fleshly” manner. It can emotionally separate married couples more than it should from a spiritual standpoint.
But unfortunately, we live in a world where divorce is becoming a common way for couples to resolve differences. For that reason we have to be more cautious when entering into marriage.
The age differences aren’t as much of a problem when the couple is younger. It’s amazing how young love can seem to conquer all! But it can become more of a problem later on in life when the couple gets progressively older. That is because the older spouse eventually gets into health and energy issues. Many times the younger spouse this finds too troublesome to deal with in their own stage in life.
The Problem
But in all fairness though, it really can be a problem. I look at the all energy that our younger sons have to do certain things. I can’t even imagine having to do those things at this stage in my life. If I had a younger spouse this would have to be be an issue. And it would definitely cause its share of problems.
Years ago when Biblical commitment in marriage was more steadfast, this was something that couples would deal with and not allow to separate them. But that’s not as common in today’s world. It’s tragically sad but true. As a result, there may be some couples (with large age gaps) that God would want to work in and through, that He’s not able to, because of the choices we decide to make. I’m sure this grieves His heart!
So, because of the influence of today’s world on harming marriages, I greatly caution couples contemplating marriage where there is a large age gap. They need to look very prayerfully at the reality of what the upcoming years could bring to challenge their love and commitment. It’s important to be sure beyond a shadow of doubt that they both have the commitment it would take to overcome the huge obstacles they may encounter because of the differences in their ages.
Sometimes It Does Work Out
I have seen a few good marriages where the large age gap worked out fine. They have very good marriages. But I’ve seen more where they end up disastrous. That’s why I would counsel couples to be VERY sure they’re considering marriage for more reasons than the emotional rush. It’s important to consider the possible “costs” involved up front so they work extra hard in their commitment to each other when difficulties come up. (That goes for ALL marriage, but especially for marriages in this type of situation.)
Love can be very romantic to be involved in before marrying. But true love is “patient, and kind” (as 1 Corinthians 13 talks of) even when your partner doesn’t have the desire or energy to participate in doing activities that you crave to do (as a person who is much younger). They may have done those things earlier in their life together, but their progressing age may change that.
According to 1 Corinthians 13, love “does not envy“ others (who do more youthful activities together or have more things in common than you may have). The interests of a 40 or a 50 year old most often is different than those of a 60 or 70+ year old. Progressing age brings different “problems” with it. When you grow old together, being close to the same age at each stage, it can be somewhat easier to take. But when a 25 year old marries a 45 year old, the gap physically and emotionally grows wider with each passing year. That’s just a reality of life that you need to face!
Not Rude, or Self-Seeking
Love also, is “not rude” (when you see the sags and bags that your spouse may be developing sooner than you are). It also is “not self-seeking”, especially when you realize that your spouse may not be able to “keep up” so many things when you feel a need that they do so.
Love also “is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs” (and is supportive when your spouse is no longer as exciting as they used to be). To see them nodding off to sleep in the next chair when you want to go off socializing together can happen to even younger couples. But it can be even more of a reality as our ages progress. (Of course, there are always exceptions to this. Some 70 year olds lead more vigorous lives than some 30 year olds. But that isn’t usually the norm.)
As the Bible says, love “always perseveres.” Those who marry need to deal with the reality of what they may be getting themselves into later in their marital relationship. If they aren’t sure they could persevere through these (and other trials) then they need to reconsider BEFORE marrying. That would be the honorable thing to do.
Consider the Cost
The Bible talks about “considering the cost” before you do something. In Luke 14, it talks of the person who wants to “build a tower.” It’s important for them to make sure they have enough money to complete it. Otherwise they set themselves up for failure when they aren’t able to finish to completion. It also talks of a king who is about to go out to war. He needs to “consider” if he is able to fight against all obstacles that are against him.
Marriage can be put into the same context. Make sure you and the person you are marrying have considered “the cost” of what you are about to do. If not, the honorable thing to do would be to back away before the marriage —not afterward.
A Commitment for Life
Marriage is meant by God to be a commitment for life even when difficulties develop that deeply strains their “happiness” together. If you don’t both go into marriage with the same steadfast commitment to God to make every marital situation work to the glory of God, I’d advise the couple not to marry. It’s too important to God and should be important to us as well. After all, marriage is supposed to be about God’s kingdom work together!
As Dr Emerson Eggerichs states (which we agree with),
“Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. This is not about you. It’s about Christ—becoming as Christ in your character as to how you relate to each other.”
I hope my answer to you will give you some kind of insight into this type of situation. I wish I could paint a different picture of this situation. But this is the way that I see it from a marriage education standpoint —even as a Bible-living Christian.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
PLEASE NOTE:
Since writing this original article it has been pointed out to us that some marriages with large age gaps DO work out well. And that is a great point that I should have stated stronger originally. We don’t want to discourage those who SHOULD marry to hold back. It would not give God the elbow-room to work miracles in situations He has ordained to work this way. And we definitely serve a miracle-working God!
But rather, we want those who are considering entering into this type of marriage to be prepared for the possible problems that could await them. If you’re taking a long journey and you can be better prepared ahead of time, it could work to your benefit. That’s how we hope to help you. If you plan to climb Mount Everest and you didn’t know to take along certain gear that you’d need, you’d be glad to know that ahead of time.
And Yet…
If you’re planning on climbing Mount Everest and you aren’t the type person who could withstand the rigors this type of “journey”, you would be foolish to proceed. A wrong decision could bring devastating results.
Thoughts of marrying someone can be very romantic. It’s easy to think that we can climb over any type of mountain, as long as we’re together. But we need to make sure that we’ve considered ahead of time so we prepare as best we can. Or we need to stop from proceeding any further if that would be best. We hope the above article has done that for you.
For additional information, below are links to articles you can read that may help you in the prayerful decision-making process:
• [DON’T] MIND THE AGE GAP (part 1)
• [DON’T] MIND THE AGE GAP (Part 2)
ALSO:
• AGE GAPS IN MARRIAGE: Do They Work?
Filed under: Preparing for Marriage
(PAKISTAN) Hi… Please solve my problem. I love a boy who is 7 years old younger than me. My age is 34 and he is 27 years old. We love each other. Does the age factor into account in a physical relationship? There is tension, but the problem is our age differences… Please tell me.
(INDIA) Well, there are so many examples of successful marriages in India despite the age differences:
a) Sachin Tendulkar and Anjali – 5 years age gap
b) Tanaaz and Bhaktiyaar – a huge age gap
c) Dilip Kumar and Saira bahanu
And if you really ask me if age matters, well Aishwarya Rai is 7 years elder to me but I still like her. Age does not matter as long as 2 people are attracted to each other. Regards, Sachin
(USA) I am 65 years old and my wife is 27 years younger than I am. So there is a gap of 28 years. I am a very young person in my mind; people say I look 45 or 50 at the most. I ride a Harley Davidson, practice sports and live a very active life. As a matter of fact, I am sexually speaking, a lot more acive than she is. I can make love everyday without any extra help, and she says she can’t have sex as often because she doesn’t need it and it is even painful.
I am very much worried about our future relationship. If I get to 80 years old; she is going to be 53 and as she doesn’t like children (neither do I), she will be alone (She is an only child). So for a woman of 53 to find a partner is not so easy. I love her so much that I don’t want to see her suffering and taking care of a decrepit old man or be a lonely widow at 53.
I worry me so much that many times I have thought about leaving her so she can find something better while she is young. Should I do it???
(AUSTRALIA) Eugene, my boyfriend broke up with me on the weekend for this very reason. He is 22 years older than me. He said he doesn’t want to be a burden when he is old, & leave me alone when he goes. It really hurt me. He has been my best friend for years, and boyfriend only of recent times. After a few days of not talking (the longest we haven’t spoken for in years) we got together last night to talk. He is petrified of getting hurt or hurting me and of us not being friends. I said we have been best mates for so long, neither of us would intentionally hurt the other. His fear of hurting or being hurt ended up hurting me so badly.
Don’t do it, if it feels right now, don’t waste the good years of your life worrying about when you pass on and she is alone. She would have had these thoughts herself and come to the conclusion that you are worth the possibility of being lonely later on.
We sound fairly similar to you and your wife. He is very young for his age. We have gone back packing around the world in the past few years, I guess he is getting a bit of grey hair and wrinkles, but he’s still pretty cute to me, and he is way more energetic in all areas than I am.
In response to the other posts, yeah you may have different interests at different times in your lives, but not always. He & I are right on par with most things. He can be incredibly immature for his age, we go out partying all weekend on the weekends he doesn’t have his kids but is totally responsible and the greatest dad possible when he has them. I am more than happy to just chill with him, and the kids if they are there. Or go out for dinner and/or movies, or go to BBQs with friends, beach, parties, bars.
(USA) My wife is 37 I am 65. Up to now we have been very happy. My concern is about her future because I have to sons from my previous marriage (44 and 43 years old) but we don’t have any and we both don’t want to have any. But I think that in some years she will be alone and will no have anybody close to her…
Would it be better for her if I leave her now so she can find somebody better for her? She says she love me more than anything. But I want my wife to be happy forever.
(ZAMBIA) I am a 32 year old medical doctor in love with a 28 year old man. Is the age difference too much to settle down together? The man has no university degree but is well established in business. He is God fearing and very mature. We have the same interests and both love God very much.
(USA) Hi Amy, Four years isn’t much of a difference. That wouldn’t concern me as much, unless you were both teenagers. Just make sure you find out what’s important to know about each other NOW before marrying. I’d advise this if you were the same age or whatever. We have a lot of questions provided, which are VERY important to ask each other provided in the topic, “Marriage Preparation Material.” It’s best to be open, honest and answer the questions you each need to know about each other NOW, than to marry and be unprepared for what you may be facing. There are always “surprises” you’ll find out later after marrying (because you haven’t been married to each other before and many ideas and expectations don’t surface until after you say, “I do”). But it is truly helpful to cut down on those surprises by doing what you can beforehand to bridge many of the topics and questions that will affect your marriage. Go through the quotes provided in that topic, as well and discuss them together. I hope this helps.
(NIGERIA) I am a 30 year young man and I am in love with a lady who is 58 days older than me. Is there any risk if we get married? I love her so much.
(USA) Dear Sunday, There’s ALWAYS a “risk” when you marry. 58 days is nothing, but marrying is something. If you’re looking to be “safe” from having relationship problems in the future, then don’t get into a relationship. Marriage is hard. It’s not something we float into because we love the other person “so much” and figure our “love” will keep it alive. It won’t. It will die little deaths from time to time, but those who are able to build a good marriage are those who are able to resurrect and rebuild love throughout their marriage, so it lasts a lifetime.
First, you need to be compatible as a couple and hold the same values and integrity that marriage is a forever commitment — that you will not only work on your problems together, but you will do what it takes to keep your love alive and growing to prevent a lot of problems in the future, as well. That takes intentionality. It’s a matter of being PRO-active, rather than just RE-active in building a good marriage.
This web site is filled with all kinds of articles, quotes, marriage messages and recommended resources that can help you with keeping your live alive — if it should be kept alive, that is. Go into the pre-marriage articles and topics and “Marriage Preparation Materials” together to talk through the important issues you need to find out about each other to help you determine if you should keep your love alive and if you should marry. Be honest in your answers and do the work you should do, before considering marriage. You won’t always agree on everything, but that’s ok. What’s most important is that you come to an agreement on those things you NEED to agree on, such as faithfulness, honesty and so on. And on the rest, it’s important to find a way to bridge your differences so you are both satisfied. And it’s important that you learn how to resolve conflicts in healthy ways. We have articles and tools on this web site to help with that.
Some couples are great together in the short term. They have lots of fun, they can have a great time in the short run, but they aren’t good together in a long-term marriage covenant. Make sure you are both compatible that way. What SEEMS to look good because of the abundant love you feel for each other, may be more of an illusion, rather than the type of love, which you need when you marry. I hope this helps.
(ZAMBIA) Hi, I am in love with a girl of just 1 year age gap (older than her) and we are planning to get marriage, now my question is, will this work out perfectly?
(USA) No Charlie, Your marriage will not “work out perfectly” because there are no perfect marriages. Marriage takes work, commitment, and intentionality in building a good life together. Age gaps of 1 year or 2 or even a few more, makes little difference. What makes the difference is the two people who are marrying. Please look above at my response to “Sunday.” There’s more to marriage, than simply age gaps or having the absence of one.
(FRANCE) What do I do? I am in Love with a man 7 years younger. I am just worried it might not lead to marriage in the long run. Do you think I should just quit now to avoid getting hurt?
(INDIA) Hi, I am in love with a girl with a 10 year younger age gap and we are planning to get married. Is there any problem happen if we got married?
(INDIA) I am loving a person. Her age is 25 and my age is 19… that is a 6 year difference!! So… can I marry her cuz I love her so much???
(USA) I’m 30. It has been more than a year that I have met a girl. She is 6 years older than me. We have lots of things in common. Some others are not in common when it comes to the family values, but I think we can work it out because of love. We love each other a lot. How healthy this relationship will be 10 years from now? And does the age gap seem reasonable?
(INDIA) I love a girl who is 2 yrs 3 months older than me and we are planning our marriage… Can you please suggest to me if I am going on the right way?
Dhiraj, With only a little over two years difference in your ages, whatever differences you may have in your relationship, which could become problematic if you marry, wouldn’t be your age gap. That’s not much of a difference. I suggest you go into the topic, “Is He or She the One” and read through it thoroughly. Ask God to show you if she could possibly be “the one” for you to marry. If, after reading through that topic, you still believe she could be the wife for you, then go into the topic, “Marriage Preparation Materials.” You will find a variety of articles there, which you and this “girl” should go through together so you make sure you both know enough about each other, and feel confident you are both willing and able to work through your differences in healthy ways (there WILL be many differences.)
You also need to make sure you are committed to marriage and each other in a way that would make your upcoming marriage a good one. If you aren’t compatible on the many levels these articles point out, then I believe you should not proceed with plans to marry. It’s better to break off an engagement than get into a horrible marriage. Initial “love” can only carry a relationship so far… there are other important factors involved to keep your love alive. You and this girl may be nice people but it may or may be that you are “right” for each other. Please proceed prayerfully and cautiously and you will do fine in this important decision.
(ZIMBABWE) You are my twin, as far as your situation is concerned. But the funny thing is, people (relatives) are worried about it, while I am encountering the best marriage I have ever witnessed before I got married. The thing is, if you listen much to the society than how you feel for your partner, you will go no where.
Biblically, marriage was done as a solution to a possible danger. So do not let a solution be another problem in your life. If you know you love her, go ahead and marry her. There is no way you can prepare another person’s life. What you only need to to prepare yourself and God will never forsake you.
Its been three years now, but I have never seen any abnormality. So please go ahead and prove them wrong. Only remember to involve the third person in your marriage. That is God Almighty, who sees it to be very normal. What people think is abnormal. I wish you the best.
(INDIA) But sir, it is usually said that if the gal is bigger than the boy in age then many complexities come in later stage of life. Can you please say sir, why is that so…??
I’m not sure where you heard that, but if the age gap is a few years here or there (unless you are teenagers) that isn’t a problem.
(INDIA) Thanks for your valuable advice…
(KENYA) I am a guy with 23 years and really in love with a lady with 30 years. Is there any problem we can encounter if we marry each other?
Alex, There will always be “problems” in marriage. That’s why the Apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:28, “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life; I want to spare you this.” If you approach marriage with the idea that your “really in love” feeing will only grow, you may be disillusioned. It can, but it will take work and making sure she’s the right one for you, in the first place. You need to make sure you marry someone who has the same ideals as you, the same moral values, a tenacity to work through marriage issues –to face and work through the hard stuff you will encounter while being married –“for better or for worse.” Romantic words and promises can be found everywhere. It’s not difficult to give them out to someone you don’t know on the level where marriage will take you. But to “finish well” so that from the day you say “I do” until you are parted by death, you both work together to make those “I do’s” into “I definitely will, no matter what”… THAT’S what it will take to make a marriage a good one.
The age gap you mention can be a minor issue if you are fully committed to do what it takes to approach marriage as two mature adults who will work to bridge every gap to the best of your abilities, with God’s help. Once you marry, be committed, stay committed and work on your commitment and love continually. Go into the topic, “Is He or She ‘the one”” to read what it takes to better know if you are suited for one another. And then once you do that and you are fairly certain she is “the one,” we have a lot of articles in the “Marriage Preparation Tools” topic to help you and your fiancé to talk together to make sure you really are best suited for each other. Your age gap isn’t as serious as other issues those topics bring up. Honestly and prayerfully read through them asking the Holy Spirit to enlighten you on whether you should marry this lady.
(ZIMBABWE) I AGREE THAT THERE NO WAY WE CAN AVOID PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE ALEX ACCORDING PAUL TO THE CORITHIANS BUT WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MUCH AFRAID OF PROBLEMS YET THEY WANT TO GET MARRIED. IT’S EITHER YOU BE LIKE PAUL OR BE PREPAIRED TO ADJUST TO WHAT EVER IS INVOLVED. AGE HAS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH WHATEVER IS CAUSING THESE DIVORCES. IT’S PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ORGANISED AND DON’T know THEY WANT. SO DONT LET THEM DISTURB YOUR PLANS. WERE THERE NO LADIES YOUNGER THAn YOU WHEN YOU FeLL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH YOUR SWEET PARTNER? THEY WERE THERE BUT NOT GOOD FOR YOU. SO GO AHEAD AND TAKE YOUR WIFE. SHE IS YOUR CORRECT MATCH. ALSO SEE MY COMMENT TO DHIRAJ. THANKS FOR TAKING YOUR WIFE.