In his series, The Purpose of the Male Man, Dr. Myles Munroe expounds on how God has created and designed the ‘male’ man to be a cultivator. Genesis 2:15 says, “And then the Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it.“
Cultivate means to make something grow, produce, and increase. Dr. Munroe says that the original assignment God left for Adam was for him to make the garden better.
In this, we men also find our assignment. God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden. Where has God placed you? Who has God placed you with?
Cultivate Your Wife
As husbands, I want to encourage us all to cultivate our wives! Brothers, let’s rise to the occasion to help our wives bloom and blossom into something much more than they are today. Help them so that both their inner and outer beauty continually increases.
And, I do not mean trying to ‘change’ her. But when a gardener tends his garden, he gives to it. He tills the soil, waters it regularly, and doesn’t allow weeds to grow. He applies the right fertilizers (nutrients), and he kills off all harmful pests.
Because he loves his garden and wants its beauty to flourish, he’ll do anything it takes, and do it faithfully.
How can we cultivate our wives? I want to recommend something from Dr. Gary Chapman. In his book, The Five Love Languages (How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate). He encourages us to understand the “love language” spoken by our spouse.
He highlights five ways people express and receive love:
• Words of Affirmation: encouragement through words (can be verbal or written).
• Quality Time: focused and intentional time spent together.
• Receiving Gifts: gifts are visual symbols of love.
• Acts of Service: doing something to meet a practical need for the other person.
• Physical Touch: hugs, rubs, kisses, strokes, and touch that conveys warmth and affection.
Dr. Chapman says that it’s important for us to know our spouse’s primary love language. We are not to just use the expression that we naturally favor, but to relate to our spouse in the language that is their primary language.
Some ways you can discover your wife’s love language are: by observing to see how she expresses love. Also, we can discover it by experimenting to see which of these expressions of love she best responds to when you use it on her. Another way is by simply asking (don’t be shy to ask).
How’s Her Love Tank?
Dr Chapman also borrows a term from Dr. Ross Campbell, a child psychologist, who says “Inside every child is an ’emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love.” This is likened to the oil tank in a vehicle. In order to run smoothly, it needs to be full and well maintained. The same is true for our marriages. How’s your wife’s emotional love tank?
Brothers, it might be time for all of us to check on that tank! It’s easy for us guys to get caught up in cars, sports, hobbies, and television. Hopefully, we are not spending more time on these than we are making deposits into our wife’s love tank! Chapman says that we can expect “people to behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full.”
Let’s really surprise and bless our wives by using her primary love language, filling up her love tank, and making a commitment to ourselves to cultivate her all year round!
Also commit to telling one friend about your cultivation pledge and plan. And, then call out the cultivator in him as well!
This article comes from a Bless Your Marriage Letter, written and compiled by Willie Quan. These short easy-to-read one page monthly newsletters are composed to encourage men as husbands. Each letter includes practical ideas, resources, and motivation to bless your marriage. As Willie says, “because life gets so busy, we so easily get distracted from what’s important to us —our marriages. So we need reminders, resources, encouragements, and even accountability.” You can sign up to receive these Marriage Letters by going to his web site at www.blessyourmarriage.com. Willie Quan and his wife Elana live in the San Francisco Bay Area in California.
Filed under: For Married Men
(SINGAPORE) Is the cultivating done as a partnership, i.e. the wife needs to know that we’re attempting to do so? How effective is it if it’s a one-way attempt… that is, we husbands do it, and wait for a response from the wife?
(USA) Continuing on with the floral and garden analogy–some plants bloom with little sun light, water, and tending, while others need much much more care and attention. I recently heard that it takes bamboo 7 years to bloom–it’s first 6 years and 7 months are underground, and then it sprouts 1 foot a day for the next 90 days.
I do not necessarily think that "cultivating" needs to be communicated. When you are cultivating your wife, she will know. It might not be right away when you see any changes or get any responses. If you sow, you will reap in due season. However, I agree with your thought about the partnership and communication being good, because it is important that we do get feedback on what is working or not. SO, it wouldn’t hurt to ask her if she notices any changes in you.
In my own marriage, I have seen changes (responses) come in a matter of weeks and at other times in a matter of years. But again, it’s good to get feedback and encouragement –we men need that too!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I recently sought another woman’s attention, lets call her Sarah. Is this an affair? Me and my wife (Joyce) have (had) a difference of opinion when it comes to defining an affair. Her opinion is that I was by seeking Sarah’s attention and I also told my wife that I did have romantic feelings for Sarah. Needless to say, this was not my opinion. My opinion is now the same as my wife’s. I must also say that someone told her that I have been seeing (talking) to Sarah regularly and she then saw the emails.
I have cheated on my wife before, had a string of affairs. I want to stop hurting her. I really do love her; there is no doubt about that, but what does this say about me? Let me tell you. Me and my wife (Joyce) we are actually divorced. When we were separated I then met a woman, (Amy), and stayed with her pushing my kids (2 with my wife) aside. I then could not take it anymore so I left Amy, pregnant.
My wife then took me in, we talked and decided to try and make our marriage work. Then I did it again. With Sarah and another woman. Something is wrong with me. Please if you are reading this pray for me. I have lost my faith. I am sorry.
Mark, first I have to say it is a real mark of growth for you that you recognize that seeking the attention of another woman is equal to an affair. As Jesus said, even by looking at a woman with lust in our hearts we have already committed adultery (Matthew 5:28). You have also made a significant step in finding healing by acknowledging that “something is wrong” with you. This was the same realization I had to come to in order to deal with my sexual addiction years ago. Although I never physically touched another woman, I lusted after other images of women, which another form of adultery.
Many people don’t realize that for the sex addict (whether one is addicted to feeding the addiction through viewing images and/or pursuing women physically) the compulsion to “act out” is as strong, or stronger, as the compulsion of a heroin addict to “shoot up” again. There is help available for you and you can be free from this addiction. But it will take great work on your part and it won’t come easily. The first step for you is accountability. You need to find another godly Christian man whom you trust and can be completely honest and vulnerable with. This has to be a man you can call at 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning and ask for prayer because you’re faced with giving in to temptation.
To address the reasons for your addictive behavior you will need to seek out a qualified counselor — one who is marriage-friendly. Sometimes medication is prescribed to help overcome the urges to “act out.” There may be “recovery” groups available for you to get into. Seek out a Christian based program like, “Celebrate Recovery.” If you follow this link, http://www.celebraterecovery.com you can probably find one near you. And if you aren’t already involved in a good Bible teaching church, you need to get into a fellowship immediately. The more you surround yourself with godly people, the more likely you will be able live a godly life.
Another link my wife, Cindy, found this morning that can help you get a better understanding of your behavior is Tiger’s Tale and the Truth About Sexual Addiction. I think you may be able to gain some insight as to how you may have gotten to where you are today.
I can tell you, Mark, from personal experience, that there is deliverance and you can change your behavior and become the man and husband your wife needs. You will need to be patient with her as you have broken trust with her and that is hard to regain.
Finally, one suggestion as to where you may be able to find counseling help is a place called Focus on The Family-Southern Africa (http://www.safamily.org.za:/)
Check back in with us and let us know how things are going. We know many who read this BLOG will be praying for you and your wife. May God bless you as you seek His help in breaking the hold this addiction has on you!