“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
Loneliness
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
Vulnerable While Separated
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, they are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
Don’t Date While Separated
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
— ADDITIONALLY —
Here’s a statement from Pastor Ted Cunningham that gives further insights into this issue of dating while you are separated. We encourage you to prayerfully read:
I am sick and tired of fighting for a marriage only to find out that one of the spouses is already dating someone new. Come on! How in the world are we going to save a marriage and protect the future of your children when you are so stinking selfish with a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting in the wings? Your children deserve better.
I’m not a stalker, but I do check out Facebook from time to time. It absolutely shocks me when I see the photos of the new boyfriend or girlfriend before the divorce is even final. It says to me, “I never really tried. I know we met with Ted and tried to get help. But it just didn’t work.” Hogwash! Bologna! You didn’t try. You had your options lined up. Fight for your marriage. Be a man! Be a woman! Give your children a fighting chance. O how the enemy eats this up.
Commitment
Last April, I ate breakfast with Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor and researcher at the University of Denver. He gave me the definition of commitment that I absolutely love. “Commitment is making a choice to give up all other choices.” That is the opposite of what we are brought up to believe. We are taught to keep our options open. This is why some marriage counselors drive me insane. They just sit down with a couple, hear their marriage story, and assess, “I don’t think there is any hope. This marriage is over.”
Jesus breathes life into dead marriages! There is hope no matter how stuck you are!
Make the commitment to do ALL you can to give this marriage a fighting chance. Invest in the process of trying to save your marriage. Don’t date while you are separated!
The above statement comes from Ted Cunningham’s book, Fun Loving You, published by David C Cook. We highly recommend this book to everyone who is married.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(UK) Hi All, I have read the comments. I have recently been separated from my wife of 9 years. She left me saying she didn’t love me anymore. I am gutted, alone and just struggle to even get on with life.
I don’t know what to do. I have blamed God, I have blamed my wife. My life is ruined. It is absolutely rubbish being separated as others have said on this site; you don’t know what you had until it’s gone.
I certainly don’t want to believe that God’s special plan for me is to be alone.
I know my wife is seeing someone else and has categorically said that it is over between us and that I no longer have a wife. I think I will ask her for a divorce then I just might be able to move on from this mess.
What I don’t like about God’s word or indeed Christian interpretation is that it appears that the innocent party in the marriage has to be ALONE FOREVER. That is completely unfair and I believe that God is just and wants the best for us how can ALONE FOREVER be the best for us. So to anyone who thinks differently why do you think that way as it doesn’t make any sense!!! I almost sometimes think that Christians who are married are punishing us innocent separated poor souls.
(USA) Wife and I just separated after 14 years of marriage. She wanted to, I did not. I’ve been trying to talk to her and do all the things a husband should. I know she’s seeing someone now, within our circle of friends. I’ll have the kids this weekend and she tells me she’s going to a friends house to watch TV. I know it’s this other person she’s going to see. Should I let her know I’m aware of who it is?
(USA) Mike, I’m not sure, but I believe I would say something. By doing so, you may give her second thoughts, which could prevent her from going further with this man than she should. When a person is bent upon sinning, they will do it anyway. But if there is a doubt and a hesitancy in their spirit, speaking the truth in love, could help. Just make sure that you are respectful, prayerful, and careful. You sure don’t want to give her any additional excuse, which could drive her into his arms. I know that’s difficult to think about, but it can happen.
From what you write here, it seems like you are on the right path to work through your marriage issues with your wife. Just make sure that you aren’t doing it solely for the purpose of winning her back, because in the long run, that can hurt matters worse than help them. She will later feel like a fool for trusting that things have truly changed. Make sure these are lifestyle changes — that you listen to her concerns and truly understand and comprehend the lifestyle changes that need to be made and engraft them into your life. In doing so, she may be motivated to make positive changes herself, if she is open to doing so. We all are given free choice by God. I hope both of you make good choices in the future.
We have a lot of articles and suggested resources on this web site that can help in this journey. Please take advantage of what you can use. My husband Steve and I will be praying for you, and I’m sure a lot of other readers will be too.
(ZAMBIA) Well, I believe marriage is a wonderful gift from God. I am married to a man I have really loved and we have a 1 yr old daughter. The problem is he insists on his privacy and I can’t check out his phone communication. He doesn’t give an account of how he spends his money, he is not interested in being around me or discussing issues with me; he refuses to even go for a walk. He would rather chat with different girls. This kills me coz he has absolutely no time for me and my daughter. I am always the one to initiate sex. If I don’t we would even go for two months without it.
I have tried to be the best wife for him but he just doesn’t appreciate me in any way and at some point I started feeling useless. Some months ago we separated coz of his need to chat with other girls. After 2 months he apologised and I went back to him but just over a month after I realised he had not changed at all so I left and I don’t want to live that life again.
I really believe he does not love me or his daughter coz at least he would have made an effort to get close to us. So now it’s a month and he can’t even call to find out how we are. I really don’t want to live so unhappily and so have no desire to get back together. I have lost all respect for him and I can’t trust him anymore
(USA) Well, here it goes. We have been together almost three years and we got married 4 months ago April 2011… Before we got married it wasn’t good but it wasn’t bad either. We seemed to talk and spend more time together and it was good. I am not sure what went so wrong.
Every Saturday he has to be with his uncles drinking and I am at home. To me, that is just getting old. I used to do that when I was alone… I try to talk to him, but I seem to bug him. It makes me feel bad and unwanted.
He is on his facebook with his friends… I started just to sleep like crazy. I feel so much better when I am asleep (no rejection). I noticed that I really can’t eat, and I feel alone again… I have 3 kids from a previous marriage.
I’ve been thinking about what options that I may have open to me… I don’t know when to start. I am so confused. We don’t even sleep together. It’s like we have nothing anymore…….
(AUSTRALIA) A lot of what you are all saying sounds very much like my husband and I. We recently separated because I found out that he was secretly having a 20 plus msg or phone call a day conversation with some girl he met through work. She would also come to visit him at work when they knew I would not be around (we own and operate our own business).
He tells me it was nothing more (although others tell me otherwise). I just feel that if it was just a friendship, that I should have known about her, as his wife. I just don’t feel that the trust that has been lost can be restored again (this is the second time he has kept such a “friendship” from me). He says I am over-reacting and that because it apparently was never physical, it is not betrayal. Am I over-reacting?
(USA) Hi, I been married for 20 years. I have 2 sons & a wonderful grandson. I been a homemaker since 2002. My marriage was good and we are like any other marriage. In June 2008 due to economy my husband had to work like an hour away from our home. At first he was coming home every other day, then it turned into twice or three times a week.
Well, to make a long story short he had tickets issued and his license was canceled. That was the excuse then. He rely in my nephew to come home. But it was always excuse after excuse. A friend told me to leave him. But I love him so much and I keep asking him if he still loves me and if he wants us to be together. He always says, “Yes I love you; don’t listen to anybody. Everything is going to get better and we are going to live together again.”
Well I always remind him that I love him and miss him. So I waited for him. In January 2011 I got very sick and I had to be in the hospital. I was in & out from the hospital until I had surgery. In the mind time, he was distant and I noticed that he changed. But I was under the impression it was stress because we lost the house, and there was lack of work and no money.
I asked him couple of times if he had someone else. He said NO and I believed him. What a loser I am… the day that I saw my doctor to see how I was doing I went to his shop (we have a small business). He wasn’t there and I called him to see if we could go to dinner and spend some time alone. He got so furious and he called me names, said I was harassing him, and on and on.
I left and to go to my moms. The next morning I wanted to clear things up because we haven’t argued like this for a long time. Well, he wasn’t there and his brother called him. And there we go again, insult after insult. I was trying to keep calm and he was so mad that he said our marriage was over and we needed some time! I let i go cuz i think he had a lot stress. Then he make sure I was by the house and not arround his shop.
The next day he called and said he was sorry and I deserved better and to look for someone else bla bla bla. I said no I love you and I don’t want someone else! But he didn’t care.
I’m devastated, depressed, and lonely. I’m codependent, but not by choice. He didn’t want me to work any more so I could enjoy life with my boys and him at that time. My son’s are 23 & 20 now. They have seen me at my worst. They say they love me and everything is going to be good again. My husband stopped talking to them.
In the meantime we still called each other and all I heard was excuses about work. I listened to him when he wanted to talk but when it was my turn he didn’t care. He was doing something else or on a rush to hang up the phone. He still suports me, our vebal agreement was for him to help me until I get a job and then will talk or agree on something.
We kept in touch until I noticed he wasn’t calling or picking up the phone. He called me once a day; our conversations were shorter, no more than 2 or 3 minutes. So I decided to get strong and tell him what he wanted to hear. We need some time and I hope you keep your word of helping me.
Our only communication is going to be though a Texting. I forgot to set a time frame. Now it’s too late. I know for a fact, of all the things, that he’s living with someone else. That really hurts but I’m trying to be strong and ask God to open his eyes so he can realize what he’s doing, so he can listen to God and open his heart to reality and make the correct choice.
Please pray for me and my merriage. I really love him and I acept that some of what is going on, has been my fault. I want to save my marriage and I’m willing to change and work hard to restore my marriage. Please reply. Gabby
(ZIMBABWE) Hi there, I am in a desperate situation. I was married one month short of 2 years ago to my friend and colleague. We had a beautiful daughter and then things got from bad to worse when I conceived… alcohol abuse which led to embesslement of funds at his work place, late nights sometimes not coming home for a day or 2. It was a nightmare of a period but I stood by my faith and believed in God.
He was not providing at home. I had to manage our finances and it was from hand to mouth. He would always go out and borrow to satisfy his habit. We talked about this countless times to the extent I now had to involve his family (was I wrong?) but this did not yield fruit. He would be out today come drunk tomorrow and have a hangover the next… as a routine. But I prayed and continued to keep him in hands of God. We involved counsellors and so on.
To cut the long story short he would spend nights out of our matrimonial home even when the baby was 2 days old and my parents would be staying with us. I forgave him of all this but he started having an I don’t care attitude. I prayed and tried… And now I choose not to help him with any bills except mine and the baby’s.
In April he couldn’t take it and asked that I return to my parents where I have been since… What do I do? The suspense is killing me. I am not perfect; I have made my mistakes but I never cheated on him during the period we were under one roof. He also says that his mother says that our marriage ended a year and 2 months ago when I decided to pack up his stuff and take them to his mom’s because he would always say he’s going to his mom’s and never come back… What do I do?
(UNITED STATES) I’m going through a very painful situation. Me and my husband have been separated a little over 1 year. I found out he had been living with a girl friend 3 months ago. Lately, he comes to see our daughter. I will give you more info before I go any farther.
I’m from another country and I’m living at my husband’s parents house with my 3 years old daughter because we had nowhere to go. I decided to divorce him because he had some major issues. We haven’t seen each other for a while and once he came to see us, he was falling apart. My husband wanted me to hold up the divorce and give him more time to think, which I was willing to do.
But a couple of days later, his mom told me that he would tell me to just go ahead do the divorce. And he is moving to his girlfriend’s parent’s house to live with her and save money. She has been living where I used to live with him. She was taking care of him when he lost everything (car, phone, house…etc) So he is pretty much stuck with her now.
He says he still has feeling for me and he is afraid that he would turn into the same old person if we get back together, so he decided to go with the girl. It seems to me they are just waiting on the divorce to bring the girl to this family. We are denying the girl since we are still married.
At this point I don’t know what to do. His mother gives me advice to just be a friend with him and see how things will turn out. I’m praying to God every day that I will have the strength to go through this. It’s really hard for me without having any of my family and friends with me.
(HAWAII) I’ve been with my husband for 4 yours now and we have 2 boys, 3 yr old and a 1 yr. My husband would always leave us when we’d have arguments. He’d be gone for 1 week or 2.
Every time we fight he’ll leave. I don’t know where he goes. But just last week we got into another minor argument and he left again. This time I didn’t go after him; I just let him go. Now he’s begging to get back with me. HEO NO I like being separated. I’m talking to a guy and etc… I totally think if you’re happy after separating with your hubby, why stress? Just be HAPPY…
(USA) So much for commitment. Yes, your husband should have thought of that before leaving, but tacking the “why stress?” clause onto all of this and then “talking” to someone else, doesn’t say much about how seriously you take the vows you made on your wedding day either.
I don’t blame you for tiring of your husband’s escape plan whenever conflict occurs, who wouldn’t? But what’s sad is that now your sons are now being taught by BOTH of you that promises are only temporary words given on an “enchanted day” but not much afterward. And probably these words will be temporary for them someday IF they ever marry. That’s what’s being modeled for them, after all. So sad. So, so sad, that they can’t look to either of their parents as the heroes here, to look for ways to reconcile their differences and try to salvage the marriage, and grow it into something good. Sad, so, so sad.
(UK) We got married in Dec 1993, but I soon noticed that my hubby’s bedroom behaviour had completely changed. Before marriage we used to talk about having 3 kids. A month into marriage he started saying that 1 child would be enough! Then he started drinking heavily, many times ALL night!
My son was conceived through difficulty. My hubby would not touch me, and even said he was having a baby simply because his mum was pestering him to do so! There I was, pregnant. Twice I thought of an abortion since I was in the pregnancy ALONE! He would not even try to monitor the progress of the baby.
When my son was 3, I came across info suggesting my hubby was seeing 3 men! And that he was the “woman” in those relationships! Then I confirmed he had actually been seeing at least 7, and that there were times he negotiated and got paid for sex.
In 2003 he moved out to live with a man. Here I am still on my own. My extremely Quaker-doctrine abiding parents believe in the “till-death-do-us-part” rule, and will NOT hear of the possibility of me filing for a divorce! Yet I need a life, some sort of life. I am now aged 44. Upon advice from my solicitor and friends, I have gone ahead to file for divorce.
BUT -there is this lovely man hovering around. Can I JUST date, with an open mind? I have not touched my ex-hubby for more than 13 years. Surely.
(USA) My wife of 5 years, been together 6, told me she didn’t love me anymore. She has moved out. We’ve been separated several times throughout our marriage. She said she wants me to leave her alone about working it out and there’s nothing I can do to change it. She is going out with her friends most nights. She stayed the night at another guy’s house and keeps telling me they’re just friends and nothing happened. He grew up in the same foster home as her brother but not her. She says it’a just someone to talk with. We have 3 children under the age of 5.
We’ve been separated for a week now, but this time it feels more serious. She actually went and had us legally separated. She hangs out with this guy constantly. I feel something is going on but she repeatedly says she doesn’t want a relationship she just want to be single. I love her with everything I have. I fell into a rut and stopped going out and doing things.
Since she has left I’ve had the kids. The one night she takes our youngest, 30 minutes later her mom picked my daughter up. My family tells me I need to move on and I’m stupid if I wait for her. She hasn’t really had anything to do with me physically in years. If we have sex it has to be under the circumstances of an exchange or me annoying her about it.
She stopped having anything to do with me when I told the guy not to be at my house while I wasn’t there and kind of threatened him. She said she no longer cares how I feel or feels sorry for the pain this is causing. I have a good job, I work 40 hours a week and still make time for her or the kids, even if it’s a movie. I do skip some outing events because I don’t feel like going, just wanting to rest.
She let me take her shopping on my payday and buy her things insisting she’ll pay me back, but didn’t when her check got cashed that same day.
I’m severely lost here. Should I wait for her or move on? I know it’s only been a week, this time just feels more real. She never did these things before. Maybe I’m just hoping to fix a marriage that wasn’t worth fixing in the first place. She hasn’t kissed me more than a peck since we got married, due to her past (people are in jail). She sometimes seems emotionally empty. Sorry about the long post but I’m at my wits end. I’m trying to decide if I should try to win her back or just let her go and move on.
(USA) Never mind, I just caught her cheating with one of my friends.
(UNITED STATES) My husband has made it loud and clear that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. We have only been married for two years. He is going around telling people that he is single. He has even had the audacity to ask me if I want to get on the telephone chat line. Mind you, we are still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed at his mom’s house because we lost our home a while back. The only reason why I’m still living there is because until I get on my feet, I have no place to go, and no family to take me in.
I noticed that he was talking to a person whose name is under a male name. Based on the conversation, it sounded more like a woman he was talking to. I got that number, and sent texts to her asking her who she was to my husband. She had no clue that he was married. She told my husband that I was texting her, and he told her that we are not together anymore, and to leave them alone. Then he ends up calling me getting mad at me, asking me why am I trying to start trouble, and even threatened to put me out on the street because of what I did.
I just felt like as his wife, I had a right to know what’s going on, and until he divorces me, I’m still his wife. He just has absolutely no respect at all. He even had the nerve to say that if he is messing around with another woman, he doesn’t care if I know or not, and that I’m no longer his woman anymore anyway, and that it’s my fault and that I brought this upon myself.
I have tried to be a good wife and I was made to feel that nothing I did was good enough for him. He has become coldhearted towards me, and will leave out of the room if I cry because according to him, he doesn’t want to be around all of that negative energy.
This man is the same man who was prophesied about being a preacher and spreading the word. He knows his Bible, but is a hypocrite. He doesn’t practice what he preaches. He will quote the word, but doesn’t live by it. He will be so quick to say that he is the man of the house, and wears the pants, but yet is not setting a good example.
He has no respect for me at all. He goes and tells all of his friends and family about what goes on in our marriage, and never wants to admit to his flaws, but always point out all of mine. This man has emotionally drained me and I don’t know how much strengh I can endure. Even though we are still living together, he wants me to go to court with him when he gets his check from his old job, and lie and say that we have been separated for a year so that he can divorce me.
(USA) I think you are all wrong… when it’s over it’s over… you need to move on… find someone else. Dating while married or separated is just fine. There is nothing wrong with it at all in my book. I’m married/seperated and so is my girlfriend. We are happy and just waiting for them to sign papers and get on with their lives. It’s people like you who hold onto something that is not there any longer that makes it hard for people like me to get on with my happiness. Life is to short so go find happiness and leave the ones that think they can make it alone.
(USA) Did we hunt you down and hound you so you HAD to post this message? We didn’t realize that we were pursuing you so that you weren’t “alone” in your decision-making to “move on.” You’ve made your decisions and obviously you think this is a fine and dandy way of approaching marriage –make vows and then break them when you’re ready to move onto a new model. It’s like buying a used car. When the old one doesn’t work as you want, go out, shop around, and acquire someone else’s older model. You don’t even have to wait until the papers are signed –you just drive off with your “new” old model when it suits you and let everyone else “get on with their lives.” So much for promises of “for better or worse.” And so much for the sacredness of marriage.
Why even make promises? Why sign papers of commitment? If you don’t consider marriage sacred, why bother marrying?
Just so you know, this is a Christian web site. You came here, of your own free will, to read what was posted. As Christ-followers, we believe marriage vows hold more meaning than what gives one person “happiness” at one point in time (two, if you count the “new” older model). There are eternal principles involved and many, many other lives. Making a vow, giving your word, signing a contract, making promises, all hold meaning to us, and according to God’s Word, to Him, especially.
(USA) I demanded my wife end her emotional affair and stop all communication with the other person. I pleaded with her. We took marriage vows; marriage is a Holy Sacrament… she said she did but no longer believes it and no longer believes in the Bible.
I’m more devastated over her turning her back on Christianity than I am over our separation and likely divorce. She says, “I have to love for the now (present time) and be happy.” That is selfish greed.
(USA) James, I’m so sorry for the painful situation you are going through — truly I am. I totally agree with you that this is a “selfish greed” issue. And I also agree that it’s even worse that she turned her back on Christianity, than anything else.
I’m not sure what you’re trying to communicate to me, in my reply to what Richard wrote. Please read his comment and then my reply, because I believe you and I are on the same page as far as the sanctity of marriage and the wrongness of one spouse cheating on another. Infidelity is wrong whether a woman does it, a man does it, whether it’s emotional, physical, or both –no matter what type of justification they come up with, as an excuse. It’s wrong and it’s devastating to the spouse who is betrayed. No human being should EVER do this to another one. Again, I’m sorry your wife did this to you. You have every right to be upset. I truly hope you are able to find peace, someday, in some way.
(USA) Cindy, Wow, I think you’ve been reading too many of my posts, LOL. But seriously, right on!
But I’d ask the guy above, if it’s about moving on for both him and his new girlfriend, why fight over the stuff? They could probably end it tomorrow if they said they wanted nothing but a suitcase of clothes, they didn’t want custody of their kids, and so forth.
But instead, they are likely fighting for “their half” of the pie or more, but don’t want to be bothered with their spouse. The whole thing makes me sick.
He’s right, you can’t force someone to stay. What he misses is you can’t force someone to give up either. It’s a crisis he created, so he has to live with the consequences.
Very good rant, I give it an A!