Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(US) It feels good to see what others have gone thru, only because I don’t feel so alone and lost as I have felt for so long. My partner of 6 years and husband of 3 years had an affair that lasted on and off for 2 years. It finally ended, I hope, in December of last year. But before it truly did end it killed a huge part of me.
I have been thru a lot in my life and I never thought I could hurt more profoundly than I did as an abused child, but I learned that pain has a myriad of levels. My husband completely changed with me, almost loathed the sight of me and was cold, cruel, uncaring and abusive both physically and mentally.
The worst part was that I was pregnant. I almost lost my daughter at 4 months from complications brought on by stress. When his crazy, psycho mistress came to my home, he claimed she was a crazy client (we have our own business) and that I was being paranoid. I was also harrassed by her.
He too stopped caring about our business and we lost about 70% our customers and my home is in forclosure. I struggle everyday with feelings of anger, betrayel and low self esteem. I find myself looking up the topic of cheating all the time.
(USA) I have tried so hard to forgive… I just can’t. I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!
(USA) You don’t say how long ago, but what you are feeling is normal. We’re at the 10 month mark and I just now can get through a night without visions of them and all he did and said and waking up sobbing, but I did last night. The first time in a few weeks.
Love means you see them through God’s eye and do not want them to perish. I hated my husband for this too. Like means you would choose to hang out with them. I am just starting to like him for the first time in 22 years. Although this just happened in December he has been rough to deal with and all the while claiming to be saved. If people outside our home saw what me and the kids saw, they wouldn’t be so crazy over him either.
Forgiveness after repentance takes time in the healing. Jesus wept over Judas’ betrayal of him and He is God. My husband is now the man of my dreams, finally, but it was a hefty price. We have witnessed God strip her of everything, which she did for money and he knew that. God spared him her diseases, which we learned of in court. The last day that she and her sister harrassed us, her sister died. We haven’t been bothered since. She lost that house and her child and I do know that God allowed this, partially to get that baby to safety and we see to fill His cup of wrath against those that would destroy a marriage and kids for their own selfish gain. The Love of money is the root of all evil.
It’s not always easy to do this, but trust that God will deal with it. That is forgiveness, giving up your right to get back. Vengence is mine sayeth the LORD, I will repay. And God will deal in a way we never could. Love and prayers to you. Hang on. I was moments away from suicide many times. There is no other pain like it.
(USA) What if you haven’t told your partner you know he has been unfaithful, through an online relationship? As far as I know it has only happened one time! I found pictures she sent him and his reply to her was less than acceptable, vulgar in fact! He told her he would use the pictures to help satisfy himself. But we have a great sex life. I don’t understand why he would do this!
I asked him to quit talking to her because I felt as if she is trouble… just had that feeling and a red flag went up! He says he hasn’t done anything wrong and will keep talking to her about medical issues they share. If I tell him I know what he has done, it will be turned around on me like I have done something wrong! He is very manipulative!
We are living our lives as God commands we do and I know with His blessings you also inherit His enemies! I know this is all that has happened… temptation! He failed! I forgive my husband without him even admitting it, it isn’t that I do not forgive him. I just want him to admit it to me! How do I get him to do this?
(USA) Jesus says if a man looks upon a woman and lusts after her, he has already commited adultry in his heart. I suspect he is guilty of far more by human standards at this point.
He has found a way to maniplulate you as you say so he can continue in this and you life is at risk. I think you’re in denial right now. I’ve been there and when it was all too much to deny any longer, it nearly killed us all. God is who he says he is and if your husband is “saved” God will chastise him.
Please do not let him lie to you any longer. The devil is having a field day.
(USA) To write down all the ways my husband betrayed me in 40 years of marriage would take more time then it is worth. I just want to hug all of you and cry with you and scream with you and throw things with you and scream WHY?? with you. But most of all I want to say thank you for sharing you “life” with me.
I ache so bad inside, it feels like something is eating me from the inside out. Which I suppose is true. All you well meaning Christians out there who say get the log out of my eye first, can keep your advice to yourselves. My husband, the church deacon, who would not take the role of Elder because his wife (me) was not walking with the Lord like he thought I should, and his girlfriend the Sunday School Director have already given me that advice.
I know God is going to help me get through this and I know I will grow spiritually if I get off His throne and allow Him to. It has been over a year since I proved to my husband I knew he was having an emotional affair but I have not gotten over “it”. Forgiveness is my goal but I have not reached that forgiveness yet. I must forgive to be forgiven by my wonderful Father in Heaven!! When I think I have victory over “it”, evil will bring up another instance where she flaunted “it” in my face or I would let him make me feel guilty for questioning his cell phone usage.
My husband says he is sorry he dishonored me, yada, yada, yada. He is being attentive and spending more time with me but I feel after 39 years of being ignored, it is fake just so he can get his sainthood back. If not for our children and grandchildren and God saying He hates divorce I would have been out of this marriage years ago!!
Five girls in my family and everyone of our husbands have cheated on us. I remember telling one sister that my husband would never cheat on me, not because he loved me but because he love God. When God took Adam’s rib to make Eve I feel like He took a major part of Adam’s heart and huge chunk of his brain!!! Thank you ladies again, for helping me not to feel so alone, so ugly and undesirable. I am not pretty, I am fat and not so smart, but I did not deserve to be disrespected like this!! We are beautiful, maybe not always on the outside, but God looks at the inner us. We are loved unconditionally by our Heavenly Father and we will be stronger and wiser when we get victory over our trials! Thanks Again!!
(USA) God bless you Evelyn. You crushed me with your statements about yourself, that is what this kind of sin does to your self-esteem though. Affairs are never about looks, it’s sin. My husband’s own words “It was filthy, awkward and vile.” It is the devil’s attack on God’s most sacred of unions, Marriage. Love, commitment, loyalty and promises kept.
This one was after money and it’s so apparent. She approached him under the guise of needing a friend (he knew) but if she cared for him at all, she would not have wanted him to defile his testimony and ultimately Jesus. His marriage, wife, kids and SELF. She was making a business transaction. He couldn’t “perform” (never an issue with me) so she asks if she can do something to help him (first time with him BTW) then the second time when he knows he’s busted at her house she says “You’re caught, you might as well try again” WHAT IS THAT? She didn’t want sex with him but says it was clear he wasn’t parting with much money unless she did and then had to pop her Ativan.
He is my husband and I see him differently but to be used and ridiculed by someone is just embarrassing. She is very masculine and enjoys fist fighting. She’s 40! She a loud mouth. She uses sex to get money and it was revealed in court that she has herpes. He thought she was safe with no condom (he had a vasectomy and shared that with her years ago) yet he could not have been more wrong.
A huge part of this is that he didn’t have a lot of women in his life. As a Christian that’s great but among the lost world, it’s not very manly. I also said he wouldn’t do it because of Jesus, not me and I get alot of attention over my looks (at 48). My husband marvels at how people comment about me and look at me. It’s always been that way but I only cared about him looking.
It is so painful to me, every minute of everyday and often throughout the night. I go to the bathroom or outside to sob. I could tell he saw that the first time we saw her in court. He held his face and said “OMG, look at her. What was I thinking?” I let him take her to lunch in my car and that was 2007.
I told him then he was headed for trouble and exactly what would happen when it did. I was right down to he smallest details. He told her he was in love with her. She calls on the 8th and he fills her gas tank, buys her food and a camera which is how I caught him. Took our precious 8 year old to buy it and says not to tell me, I wouldn’t understand. My baby knew and was vexed that he asked her to keep something from me. It went on for 12 days and he’s in love with her? Two attempts, the second he managed to get far enough to be exposed to her disease but he tested negative. 3 of the 5 times I saw her she had a mouth full of blisters and she literally smells. Rotting gums and smokes. It was all over him.
I knew something was up but when I found that camera, there was no doubt he was sleeping with someone. I begged God to reveal it all and He did. The second time our 13 year old was asleep in her guest room.
How could he do that to me, to us, to our kids but mainly God? He either is in denial or really doesn’t see this but he started sleeping on the couch, insisted on his own private e-mail and refused to wear his ring around the time she started at his company, 2005. So while I believe all he has told me, the truth is he wanted to sleep with her when she gave him an ounce of attention. He was in an affair long ago and it was chipping away at all of us. Our home and our marriage and I knew she would come after him for money one day but prayed he would honor, if nothing else, Christ! It makes her feel good to steal a man from his wife. She hasn’t been able to do that though.
I too endured being bashed by “Christians” and called self-righteous. My doctor told me of the book by David Clarke “I Don’t Want a Divorce” and in it, he explains that is how they are taught to counsel this in Seminary. To sweep it under the rug and that he did it for 20 years and IT IS SO WRONG! My husband read the chapter on adultry to me and it was so healing. We have since spoken and e-mailed with Dr. Clarke.
It is the cheating spouses rage, hatred and unforgiveness that started all of this. A pastor of 31 years was also busted for having an affair with a student at the Christian school. Off to Federal prison for him. There were other men out of that church too. A wave of evil went through and there have been a few deaths too. Do not let the devil tell you otherwise. Satan works best through those in the building. The unchurched world is already on his path and the devil is a liar and the accuser.
As I said before forgiveness means you give uo your right to get them back and I have done that. The fact that my husband is here means I have forgiven and this all broke 5 days before Christmas. This is beyond devastating.
You here, that are willing to share, are my therapy. I feel as you do, Evelyn. Please hang on, God promises what He has waiting for us is so worth it. Please continue to share your feelings here. I need you. I love you ><>
(USA) I aplogize for some errors in my post. Some things have been deleted and that is the site owners right but please let me say that in healing, you have to get it all out in order to heal. If not, it’s like putting a band aid over the dirt and infection instead of cleaning the wound first.
I would not use profanity and anything that the owner of the site omitted was Biblical. God says that the adulterer is…
I do encourage you to talk to anyone that will let you vent anyway you need to. Although painful for him too, I have had more healing from my husband and my neighbor that has been through it and then some. Please find someone that you can express yourself to and hang on.
(USA) Dear Pavrone, I’m sorry for your pain. I truly am. No one deserves to be cheated on and treated in such a betraying way. It was totally wrong for your husband and this woman to do these things to you. And I can appreciate your wanting to “get everything out.” When poison is inside, it is better for it to come out than to store it inside. But as your sister in Christ (you say you are a Christian, so I’m going to take you at your word) I need to tell you that “letting it out” does not mean that it’s good to throw so much out into an open forum for others to grab onto and be poisoned by, as well.
Yes, sharing is good. But sometimes you have to know if it’s something to share openly or in private. Some “conversations” are best shared with many, others are better to be shared with a godly person or two, and some things are best to share with the Lord, alone –sometimes by privately journaling and/or praying. It still comes out either way. Name-calling, explaining vulgar particulars, giving information that is hostile and so graphic that it’s embarrassing for those who read it (whether some of those terms are in the Bible or not), just isn’t appropriate in all settings –particularly on a Christian web site which aims to reveal the heart of Christ within marriage.
I’m glad your husband and you have reconciled. But there is obviously still a lot of poison, which you are spewing out –in public.
It isn’t often that we don’t post what a person writes, but I have to say that there are sometimes when what you say is so graphically vile for us to read –knowing you want it to go out onto the web site, that we just can’t help but hold some things back. I wish it wasn’t so, but I have to say that it is.
You say that a lot of what you describe about this woman and the relationship she had with your husband is in the Bible, but please know that the Bible also tells us that there are appropriate times to say things and inappropriate times. Just because it comes into your head and wants to come out of your mouth, it doesn’t mean it’s for everyone to behold.
Some things the Bible also says are: “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise” -Proverbs 10:19. “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless” -James 1:26. “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered” -Proverbs 17:27. “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” -Proverbs 29:11. “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” -Proverbs 17:28.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” -Ephesians 4:29. And finally, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” -Proverbs 14:1. There are many, many other verses that express these same admonishments.
Believe me when I say that I’m not trying to hurt or debate you. I never want to hurt you or anyone. The first few times you wrote and went on and on in such explicit terms, we were hoping it would help you (even though we had to take some things out). You are obviously deeply hurt. But you need to find a way to dump out the huge volume of raw emotions you have inside, in a place that’s less public.
Years ago when my Dad betrayed my mom, she went public with MUCH more information than she should have. She later deeply regretted it –to her dying day, she told me so. And a friend of ours just went through this, as well. She also realizes she said MUCH more to people than she should have and now is totally embarrassed (as is her husband). If she could take so many of these things back she would. She has said so. But just as a feathered pillow being dumped out into the wind makes it difficult to retrieve each feather, so are words when they are so many that are scattered about. They can go viral and spread beyond retrievability.
Please consider what I’m saying here. I don’t say it to shame you, but to hopefully help you NOT to cause more hurt for yourself and your marriage, than you’re already trying to recover from. I pray the best for you. And I hope you’ll post comments again. But please be careful. Make sure you aren’t tearing down the house you and your husband are trying to rebuild. And make sure your words are helpful for “building others up according to their needs,” so it will “benefit those who listen” or read. I pray the best for you. -Cindy
(UK) I’ve been reading for months but reluctant to post because everyone seems to attack the victim for feeling all this pain when in fact it’s the evil of the guilty that brought all this on yet no one has any harsh words for them.
Bought the book you mentioned a while back and you’re right that the author and God are the only one’s that seem to put it in proper perspective as with Nathan to David (I’m paying attention). And I like that the author says to avoid the namby pamby people that don’t want to hear the harshness of all this kind of attack has left on the victim.
I felt inspired by many of your posts because it’s how I felt and you’re right, you have to get it all out and no one knows how long that will take.
I noted that the 40(?) year old after money continues to harrass and threaten you and your kids. Hard to move on with that still in your face. She’s a terrorist and a bully and I’m sure delights in all that evil she does.
While I’m a new believer and trying to hold fast to all I’m learning, those within religion seem to push me away. No justice and hardest on us.
I’ll spare you my story since it reads like most others here but I’m a male in all of this same kind of nightmare. It does indeed have the same “smell” no matter where which makes me think it is the same “devil” at work and I have taken all I’ve read to heart but I sense you’re being stifled here as well. They seem as blind as the world.
Please don’t stop sharing in all of the fury you have. You have helped me. BD
(USA) Thanks BD, I’m guessing that was to me.
Dear Cindy, I do not wish to argue either but as you claim to be a Christian also and reveal the heart of Christ, with all due respect, you have interjected your opinion over the word of God. You accuse me of name calling when in fact I quoted the words of God in 2 Peter 2:22 as well as all through Proverbs. Harsh words perhaps but they are God’s words and He says “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, reproof, for correction, for instruction is righteousness” (even the unpleasant parts) 2 Timothy 3:16. I was simply reciting the Bible.
As Christians we are to rely and gauge everything SOLELY by God and His Word which is Christ Himself. He IS the Word but this world gets further and further from that fundamental rule which is the Falling Away God speaks of in Thessalonians.
God instructs us to share so that others may glean from it and I discussed it with my husband. He agrees some good has to come from it all so we chose to share where ever we could. Slander is speaking unture statements and gossip is of another’s business. I am well within my bounds with God on this :)
It’s unlikely it will go viral but even if it did, I have not revealed any names. Town, state, businesses. It’s annonymous. I try to live as if God is watchng and He is. “We need not be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth” 2 Timothy 2-15. The next verses about profane and vain babblings are refering to our own words, not God’s. To contradict God or call His words other than what He does is blasphemy.
I know that hearing others express what I’m feeling comforts me and that is what God wants for each of us. Good, bad or ugly, God’s words are all that should matter for the believer. The truth will make us free. John 8-32
This is your site and I respect that but there is much more to the Bible than just the pleasant parts and we are to apply it all. God bless each of you and I pray healing for our broken hearts<3
(USA) Dear “Pavrone,” This is difficult, but I will try to explain one more time. Please know I would never want to hurt you. You have been hurt so much as it is. I only wish healing for you and a building up of your marriage. Being betrayed by your spouse is like tearing your heart out. I would never want to add to that pain.
In this comment, you are very articulate. And I (and others) can understand what you are trying to convey. I agree with what you are saying here. But the parts I edited from a few of your other comments were rants and most of it was very difficult to understand with incomplete sentences, name-calling, being explicit in describing body parts and details about your husband and this woman’s actions, which had nothing to do with scripture, except that you would end it by saying that is what a harlot does and an adulterer does and such. And then there were some Bible verses thrown in (which some of them were taken out of context), but we left most of them in, if at all possible. We aren’t ashamed of the gospel.
You went on and on and on and my husband and I couldn’t understand so much of it. We tried. We really did. We knew you were upset and we wanted to honor that. What we posted, which was most of it, took us a LOT of time to try to figure out what you were trying to say and what you meant because the punctuation and sometimes lack of it and turning phrases around and repeating them over and over made it almost undecipherable. We cleaned it up as best as we could. We felt we needed to.
Please know that this is an international ministry. Many people come here from other countries and have difficulty with our language (and our cultural slangs and ways), (just as we would have if we were trying to read their languages and terminologies). So if things aren’t coherent in the first place to us, and we know English pretty well, we know it will be harder for someone else who doesn’t know the language, to read. We try to be sensitive to that.
Again, I don’t want to hurt you in any way. We want people to express themselves, and especially scripturally. We know you have been upset, and understandably so. Yes, you need to “get it out.” But please know that there are some things that need more private airing, and others can be helpful when posted. Most of what you wrote was posted. But the entire volumes of the rambling rants and name-calling and explicit sexual stuff, we just didn’t feel we could post.
I hope this clears things up in some way. We appreciate you and BD, and truly, we grieve with your pain. We only pray the best for you.
(US) I just learned my husband of 6 years had an affair last year and now has a son. I didn’t want to know anything about the woman or the child. My reactions have gone from anger, frustration, confusion, hatred, scared… I cry all the time and cannot function as I used to. I am filing for divorce as this is the only answer for me. My husband believes we can get past this, but I have absolutely no idea how this is even remotely possible. He has a child! It’s irrelevant if the person was a one night stand or a long standing affair… he has a child for the rest of his life… and it’s not with me. The only answer is a divorce. I am totally devastated.
(SINGAPORE) I read with trepidation how much hurt, anger and sadness you victimized spouses out there still feel after a year, 2 or even 5 years. I am only into the 3rd month of finding out about my wife’s 2 year affair and everything that the deeply betrayed spouse goes through, I have and am still going through them.
The interesting “miracle” that happened to me was that I happened to schedule a lunch with an old pastor classmate of mine (whom I had not seen for many years) the day after I found out about the affair and he immediately sensed that something was wrong. To cut a long story short, I accepted Christ soon after and my wife and I had sessions with this pastor friend, which led to her repenting and accepting Christ, as well. We both started attending his Church. Praise the Lord.
Instead of ranting about my circumstances and details of the affair, I have several questions for those of you unfortunate brethens out there who might be able to offer some advice, guidance or support. Before I launch into the questions, there are just a few more things I need to say.
I managed to find some of the texts and emails that the 2 lovers sent to each other and it was pretty full blown in that the langauge used was loving and tender. There was even a Dear John letter which was supposed to end the affair where my wife said to her lover that “…no one has ever made me feel so protected and loved…” “…and for me to remain a sweet memory for you, as you will always be for me”. It really really HURTS. She claims that it was unrequitted love from him, that he was willing to leave his family to be with her but she never felt that she could ever leave me or the family.
The gentlemen (if that is what he is) is a 64 year senior doctor in a hospital where my wife who is 47 works as a Doctor too. The Dear John letter was about 1.5 years ago and I have every reason to believe that the affair ended soon after. Since I found out (she didn’t confess), they have not been in touch and I have this guy’s wife who is tracking him, confirming this to be the case. I met his wife by the way, but that is another story.
We have been married 18 years and though we have some fundamental differences in the way we view life, most of it has been loving but because of her dominating character, I have had my difficultly being really close to her in the “spiritual” sense all my married life. We do communicate a lot but often our different characters show up quite a bit in our relationship. Who knows? Perhaps that contributed to her feeling of emptiness. I will be the first to acknowledge that I may have contributed in some way. Oh yes, we have 2 kids -a more difficult 17-year old daughter studying in the UK (whom my wife is closer to) and a 15-year son whom I can connect with slightly better.
Here are the questions (the same ones integrated into my prayer every day and night) for those of you still reading my message.
(1) How will you ever know if a person has truly repented? Before you say, “observe her actions” and “only God knows”, she has confessed to me that it has been difficult for her to feel the Holy Spirit in her. She believes God exists and has performed a miracle on us, but she would not “chase” the Lord and will get to know Jesus at her own pace. How would we ever know if she accepted Christ out of desperation, to show me that she is changing as a person or if she has truly laid her very being at the foot of the Cross?
(2) She cries and tells me that even when she was with him, she knew that I was always the “Love of her life” (can anyone believe that?). She says that she would do anything for the rest of her life to make this up to me, even if I had difficulty forgiving her. Believe me, I must have “forgiven” her about 20 times since and every time I have done so, I know I disappoint God with my “unforgiving” words and actions the day after, which hurt her. Though she tolerates a lot more than before, she would lose it sometimes and avoid me when I am at my worse (she has every right to). The QUESTION is, how long more can this go on?
Even if I have every good intention of reconciling, how long before a person sleeping 4-5 hours a day, becomes a schizo because his mind/heart and soul are not aligned, knowing that God cannot forgive our sins if we do not forgive others, hurting her and risk walking off the righteous path? Are there those of you out there who have tried so hard to reconcile but had to give up because your health, mind and soul was taking too much punishment for too long? Bear in mind that my forgiveness prayer does ask that I lay my burdens and cares at the foot of Jesus, and vow not to pick those burden up once laid down. Obviously I have not tried hard enough, some of you might say.
(3) If you start questioning how much you really did love and still love her, can reconciliation be real? Would a separation help to answer this question?
(4) If you know that your spouse is doing everything she can to reconcile (not rushing it, as well) but you just cannot be sure if you can ever be happy again (I call it the lightness of being), then is it fair to her and to yourself to live in a marriage that has less love than before, make God the centre of your lives even if one or both of you are struggling to do so, live in “lies” with the rest of the family and the extended family and struggling to make it look normal? When does one put one’s foot down and say, “Let the World know,” and then start rebuilding one’s relationship with each other, with everybody around you and with God again? Is it terribly selfish of me to put her through the shame that she may never recover from?
I pray for the answers. I know that God can only provide strength to get through this and He wants us to reconcile. Then why I am sitting here writing what I think instead of just listening to Him through the Gospel?
I wish all those reading the very best in having their burdens lifted and may God bless us all for the life that He has given us.
(USA) Hello Hal of South Africa, Thank God you are no longer in this nightmare. Living with a cheater is the worst thing and pain a person can go through. I am happy for you to have another chance at happiness. May God send you the right partner this time who will be faithful and respectful; not only to you, also to himself and your life together.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Gosh, I honestly don’t know where to begin to be perfectly honest. I’m married to a Tunisian man, and have been married for 13 weeks, however after 6 weeks of marriage, I found out he had been having an affair with an older woman. I found this out by visiting a dating site which is used by Tunisian men quite often. After further research, I found him on another one. I set up a fake profile, got chatting with some of the women on his ‘friend list’, the comments I received from the women were so hurtful, calling me all the names under the sun. After a week or so, a woman came forward saying she had things to tell me about my husband… and this is where I found out he had been having an affair with her.
He live’s in Tunisia still whereas I’m in the Uk, and finding out this woman had been flying to Tunisia to visit my husband to have sex was the most heartbreaking thing ever… especially knowing she had been sleeping with him only 11 days before we got married. She went again to visit him In September. I think he knew I had a feeling that I knew something was going on, so after her being there with him 2 days, he finally confessed he was married, telling her he had ruined his life etc.
When the woman flew back to the UK, she set up a thread on ‘Tunisian Love Rats.’ A friend told me about it, so I joined in with the conversation. Again I was so sad because the people who joined in on the conversation, had absolutely no sympathy for me. I was called a liar, a prostitute and sworn at, whereas she was given so much sympathy.
It might sound strange to some of you, but myself and this other woman started to email each other, and I actually found it helped me by her telling me what happened, she even sent me copies of their skype and facebook conversations from the 9 months they were having an affair. Then suddenly out of the blue, about 4 week’s ago when she knew I was going to Tunisia to see my husband, she sent me an email calling me horrible names.
This is a very short story as to what happened. It’s too fresh in my mind at the moment. I have been self harming because of it. The worst thing of this story is I found out my husband had this affair to get money from this woman…
(USA) This is the first web-site that makes sense. Our “stain” happened over the summer, and I’ve gone through many of the grief stages, for it’s a cycle. I seem to go through it over and over, but a little less each time.
I love my husband and I know he loves me. He didn’t overtly seek his transgression. It was an old girlfriend. He is a Christian man, and he thought he could dance with Satan and he got burned. Never think you are strong enough to dance with Satan! I have felt God’s presence stronger now than I ever have. Angels are sustaining me (my grandmothers).
My/our main goal is the salvation of my husband’s soul. I love him as a sister in Christ. I also know he loves me. I have also contemplated my many, many sins, and I am not free of obligation to Christ. The only way to make a marriage work, and I am certain of this, is to put God first, as God is the most important member of my marriage. Without him, all bets are off.
(USA) I am so happy for any and all that have peace in all they have endured but please let me remind everyone that in adultery, the adulterer slanders his mate which is part of justifying their behavior. Not some of the time, all of the time and if they have not come to terms with that and repent to you and God, there is no healing as of yet.
Having lived my life up to 33 years against God, I am a strictly “by the Word” kind of girl and I’d like to remind us all that our departed loved ones do not die and become angels. God says He made all of the angels at once and that are not nor have they ever been people.
There is alot in the Bible about all of this, if needed. The book of Hebrews deals wth this topic a lot but forgive means you give up your right to get back. Some things are much harder and take longer to forget. They are not the same thing and God says that. People say otherwise.
God is very clear on what adultery is. Like all sexual sin, it’s the devil’s attacks on God’s holiest of unions. He classifies it with murder. It is a violation of every commandment and blasphemy.
I am so thankful, no matter how it hurt, that my husband has revealed all and although forgiven, he will still have to answer for every word, thought and action before God. When he could no longer pervert the truth of us, he began to make up vicious lies and all to tell himself what he was doing was okay and what he was doing to the name of Jesus and our kids was too. I actually feel so bad for him at times. It was the devil’s hatred of Christ as it always is.
Continued healing for all but please seek the absolute truth of God’s word. I’m not right, He is<3
(U.S.A.) I met my husband a couple years ago. He is a Christian and was raised a Christian. I was not raised as one, but was saved 4 years ago and God has blessed me many ways.
My husband had lied to me about his past and he was having emotional affairs on me. After he was the one who told me lusting, fantasizing, masturbating etc. was wrong he was doing it all along… He would reject me to take care of himself. I found out by asking what the problem was. He said he had to fantasize about other women that were my friends to have sex with me.
I am NOT ugly and did not know what the deal was. I was crushed! He told me he married me only because he felt sorry for me. I am so hurt and crushed. Please help? We are trying to make it work but I have a hard time looking at him right now.
(USA) I want so desperately to say something to make your pain go away. I’ve been in hell since 12-19 when this broke nearly killing all of us in many ways.
The days will get easier but it will seem like forever and even now I’m suffering. God is clear that the devil seeks to destroy all HE loves. Marriage and kids are God’s most sacred and it only takes anyone letting the devil convince them to take the first step. They do all the rest of it themselves.
There is no such thing as a good person. God says the best any of us has is as filthy rags but HE does talk of those that endure and abide in Him until the end.
Our husband’s may have been saved and therefore will go to Heaven but they have lost rewards and will have much to deal with here if they are repentant.
Please keep sharing your feelings. It’s so normal to be angry. As for looks? You would not believe a shot of me agaist her, not caring if my kids and her kid were dead over pocket change.
While God does make good in all, HE also fills His cup of wrath against those that continue to do the devil’s work.
I’ll do anything I can to help but I can only listen and pray. I care and I’m here, Jennifer.
(UK) I met and fell in love with the man of my dreams or so I thought. In 2001, we married in 2006 and had a family in 2007 and in 2010 I found out he and a work colleague were texting each other. She was sending texts to him in the early hours of the morning and I think she knew he was married and had two young children but it didn’t seem to bother her (or him). I also found out he went to meet her behind my back to talk about things!!! He met her at a hotel also but has been vague about what exactly happened and whether or not they had sex.
I was devastated; my heart truly broke. I was so devastated I just didn’t want to live. I thought I should remove myself from the situation if it was what he wanted and vice versa. Let them be together and face up to all that they choose together without me in the picture. (Let’s face it she wouldn’t want me in the picture when trying to build a future with my husband and our children, that’s just inconvenient of me, I was trying to do the right thing for everybody).
I found it hard to cope with finding out my husband had let me down and betrayed me that I drank and took some pills. He called for an ambulance. I ended up in the hospital and a friend of the family stayed with me during my hospital stay. My husband stayed at home looking after our children.
After I was allowed to leave hospital, the family friend wanted me to go and stay with her and leave my husband to think about things and to work and prove his love for me. I didn’t want to be a burden on this friend and I missed my children and felt bad at my own actions. I didn’t handle myself well. I think he stays because he may think I would do the same again. I should never have done that. I should have just left that day that I found out about this whole nightmare. I needed to be with my children as they are my strength, so for that reason I decided to go back.
I have been back with husband ever since trying to work out what to do and where we go from here. Do I stay and work at the marriage? I meant my vows, I said them in front of the Lord, but my strength and faith have been well and truly rocked and broken. I do not want to bring sadness on my children’s life, but I do not want it to be swept under the carpet and I feel that is what has happened.
But I am not a walk over and I deserve to be treated with respect and honesty and feel that I haven’t if he turned to someone else in the first place. He can’t take back what he did nor can he undo whatever did or didn’t happen. Do I go? I seem to have gone through spurts where for a while things look good as though he is really trying to keep us together as a family. But then I have spurts where the overwhelming grief of it all hits me and these are my worst days as I feel like I’m reliving it and I can’t seem to get past this.
It breaks my heart because I know if I had been in the same position as he was, I would be strong enough to stand up and say, I’m sorry I’ll be your friend but not anything romantically because I am married and I adore my husband. I feel so let down that he wasn’t strong enough to stand up and say that, why couldn’t he have told her that he was married and he loves his wife? Why did he have to go and meet her behind my back? The answer I tell myself every day is he doesn’t love me!!
I have learnt during my time being back with my husband he doesn’t love me as I love him or he wouldn’t have done that in the first place. That’s a lesson learnt. But I am still here. Does that make me equally as weak as him to put up with it? And what does that say about the next girl that flatters my husband? He’s done it once, he’ll do it again, right??
I thought I could try and get over it and we could work through it but it’s been nearly a year and the pain still hurts like it happened yesterday. I saw my doctor a few weeks back and am waiting for marriage counseling of which my husband had said he’ll go with me. I feel weak in myself, as a person that I have allowed all this to happen. It appears that I am making him out to be the bad guy but he does love his children and he does do nice things for us all.
He isn’t a bad guy I just feel so let down by our whole marriage and everything I believed in is gone now. I can’t even look at our wedding pictures happily any more and I still can’t bring myself to wear my engagement/wedding rings. And I can’t bring myself to look upon our wedding day in the same light as I did before. How on earth does anybody manage to get through something like this? It’s so painful and is as equally worse as a grief as something you held so strong and dear is gone.
Dear Tracy, I’m so sorry for the deep pain you are experiencing. With all you are trying to deal with, there’s no doubt that when your heart has been stabbed and torn apart, such as has happened to you with your husband’s betrayal, each day can seem like a hundred. Each week seems like 2 years (sometimes even a hundred). And seeing beyond tomorrow must seem monumental. But please know Tracy, that catastrophic injuries don’t heal in the time-frame that we think they should.
It’s absolutely understandable that you want the pain to go away sooner than now. But if you read through the many articles we have posted in the Infidelity and Affair topics, you’ll see articles, quotes, testimonies posted and even web sites available, which were written and put together by others who have dealt with betrayal issues, themselves. They write from first-hand experience and knowledge.
The main thing you will see in each article (and true testimony) is that this is a very difficult and long journey you have been thrust onto. Even if you divorce, don’t let anyone tell you that you can start over with a clean slate –especially when you have children. Your husband will always be in your life in one way or another because of the soul tie you had/have together and the fact that he is the father of your children. Yes, the innocence of your love and trust has been compromised. And yes, you will never trust the same way again, nor should you. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t rebuild a good life again. Please, as horribly difficult as this is, be as patient as you can be through this journey. You will take steps forward and steps back and back and forth at times, but hopefully, prayerfully, you will at the very least, fall forward. Don’t make any hasty decisions, nor hang doom over the chance of building a better life again, if it is possible in any way to do so.
Your husband will be a key person in showing you whether he can do what it takes to protect the integrity of your marriage relationship now and in the future. I hope that the counselor you have chosen is “marriage-friendly” (you can read what I mean by that in the “Marriage Counseling” topic) and has successful experience in working with those who are dealing with infidelity. We’ve seen many counselors help to kill marriages because they are good counselors in other ways, but they aren’t experienced and trained to help married couples work to repair, rebuild, and protect marriages after infidelity has horribly damaged the relationship.
We’ve also seen and have known of counselors who have helped couples rebuild their marriages better than either spouse ever could have imagined. If you are stuck in hurt, then a good counselor can help you get unstuck. And your husband, along with you, working on issues that are important to help build a healthy marriage for yourselves and for the security of your children, is important. You can’t do this without his participating in a major way and your giving him the opportunity to do so. Hopefully, a good counselor can help him to do this and give you the confidence that this can be done.
I don’t know what the future holds for you– whether your marriage will survive this. I hope and pray so. But please know that I give you SO much credit for even trying. Even though you express weakness, I see strength beyond weakness. Be cautious, be wise, but trust God that He will guide. That isn’t a “saying” … it’s truth. It will take monumental courage to go in this direction with your journey. But I have no doubt that if you and your husband are able to do what it takes to rebuild from the shattered pieces of a marriage torn apart, you and your children will be so much better off than you would have been, had you not given this your best effort.
I also encourage you to read all you can from those who have been through betrayal. We recommend several books (and web sites), which can help you. As you read what they learned, it may help you in your own journey. No two journeys are the same and the healing process is different, as well, but God can minister through those who have “gone before you.” I pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
(UK) Thank You Cindy for your kind words. You see strength where I see my weakness. I will take on board what you have said, and yes, I read the true testimonials. I do this on a regular basis to remind myself to try and stay strong in myself, that I am not on my own. God knows when I found out I felt as alone as anyone would and I wish I had know about this site when I was going through it all then.
It’s the little things that cut me still, I just look at him and think why?? If you love someone you shouldn’t ever hurt them. The time I’ve been with him I always gave my all, my everything. And yet I stand before you all on here having been through the most painful of hurts. I am trying to stay strong and Lord knows where the future will take me. I fear I have a long way to go still. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement through my journey thus far.
(S. AFRICA) Dear Tracy, I feel your pain. Something inside of you dies when the one you love and trusted does this to you. He is not yours anymore but has given a part of himself to someone else. Yes, you can forgive but it will always be there in the back of your mind and the fear of him doing it again is real.
Things that were only between the two of you have now been shared with another. It is heartbreaking and as you said, something you held so dear is gone. Affairs are soul destroying and the consequences hurt the whole family and innocent children. If your husband is truly repentant and shows it in words AND actions then give him a chance.
Go to God in prayer because He is the ONLY one that can mend your broken heart. God is the only one I can trust because my husband (the nearest and dearest to me -the one in whom I trusted) let me down. Go to counselling and pour your hurt out. Don’t let it brew and turn into resentment.
My prayers are with you Tracy. Whether you get over this will all depend on a forgiving attitude and most importantly your husband’s acceptance of the pain he has caused and the desire to make things right. Time will be your friend. God bless.
(UK) Thank you Rose for your comments. I so hope you are right. But I am still in that limbo where because I don’t really know all the details and I should be told, it’s so difficult for me, to move on. It’s a daily thing. When he tells me he loves me now, I think no he doesn’t he’s just saying it, it’s just words now that’s all it is, words. He doesn’t know the true meaning of the word love or he would never ever have hurt me the way he did.
But something stupid inside me kind of feels like you said. I have to stay and give things a chance. I guess at the moment I am plodding along, hoping that everything will be ok. But how can it ever be again? It takes a very strong person to forgive and stay in a marriage, I think.
(UK) Also you say to turn to go to God, but why is God testing me like this way? He tested my faith the year before my husband’s failings as my dear mother passed away and that in itself took half my soul and broke me too. That night my husband stayed awake with me the whole night going through my pain with me, and yet knowing all that pain I’d gone through he still didn’t give a second thought about me when being tempted by his work colleague. He tells me he doesn’t go to where she works now but I have just these words to believe I will never know for sure.
I believed in God and the sacredness of marriage and we got married in church in the eyes of the Lord. So why would God want to punish me more and test me in this way? I know things are sent to test us. But every single day since, is a daily test for me. When he holds me in his arms I used to feel so happy and safe and secure and so loved. I never dreamed in a million years he would ever hurt me. How wrong was I?
Yes, I am still here some year later, but when he holds me close I just feel dead inside like he took every ounce of love I felt for him and trampled all over it. I have to look him in the eyes and it’s like I’m the fake. It’s so hard. I would love for things to be the same as it had been before, but I just don’t think it ever will. I find it so hard to trust people at all now.
My husband mentioned he would like us to try for another child, but I can’t get out of my head if we did, will he do the same when that child is the same age and how would I stop it from happening again? There are no guarantees. Yet when I married him and put my whole love and trust in him and gave him my whole heart (and it took a long time for me to do that as I had been in horrible relationships before) I just never thought he would ever do that. I see him in a different light and it’s so sad. It’s like losing respect for someone.
When the counselling comes through I am unsure how it will help me exactly, just as I thought that my going to counselling would help me get through a day in a positive manner, I’m in a negative blip at the moment as you may tell!! Is talking about what happened going to resolve it or push me further away? I don’t know, I just look at him and it’s like I don’t know the man I married anymore.
Tracy, It’s very common to question and blame God when bad things happen to us. I’ve been there and unfortunately, have done that myself. So I’m sure not throwing stones at you for going in that direction. It’s very natural to do that. Thankfully, God is bigger than our doubts and loves us so much that He can take on our accusations and questions. But please consider the bigger picture here. When you truly think about it, do you think God inspired your husband to cheat on you and your children so He could test you? I don’t believe so… that would go against His nature. And if not that, do you think that He could at least have stop your husband? Yes, in reality, He could have. But think about it. How do you propose He does that? Does He zap him? Does he disconnect his phone calls? Does he give him cancer so he will stop? What do you have mapped out for Him to do?
And if so, what about our sins? Do we expect Him to do this to us when we sin? Where is the cut-off line as to when He zaps someone and when He doesn’t? And do we put together a super committee that decides for God when He should do this and when He shouldn’t?
I know you are grappling with horrible times of questioning everything because the foundation of your life and love has been shaken to its core. But realize that God did not cause Adam and Eve to sin… He did and does not cause people after that to sin. He did not cause your husband to sin. And most likely, He will not zap him when he does. He will call to him; He will work to discourage him (you will probably never know about those times), but He will not MAKE someone stop in their sin. We are given a free will. And because we live in a fallen world, people are able to horribly hurt those who don’t deserve it.
But God WILL redeem, in different ways, the difficult situations we find ourselves in because of sin, as we lift them up to Him and participate with Him. Don’t allow the enemy of our faith to confuse you further on this issue and as usual, accuse God further of not being loving because He doesn’t do things his way, nor yours. When you can’t wrap your mind around God in all of this, that’s when we need to realize that this is a faithwalk we’re traveling on, this side of Heaven. If you lean into trusting Him, even when it’s most difficult, you will be surprised at the grace you will receive. Faith is described as F.A.I.T.H. which = Forsaking All I Trust Him. You have a lot of other things to figure out. Trying to figure out God is way beyond our ability to grasp.
As far as what counseling can do… I agree, it’s a stretch as to what we can imagine another person can do for us, when we’re pretty sure we know what will be said and done. But when I’ve gone for counseling, I’ve found myself amazed. A fresh set of eyes and perspective, from someone who is experienced in handling these types of issues, can be helpful. And maybe it’s just for coaching — to point you to help each week or month, in this season of your life.
And maybe it’s more for your husband’s vantage point. It could be that the counselor can somehow tap into his heart the depth of the pain he inflicted upon you. Those who sin have gone through a hardening process to make it work in their mind that it’s ok to do what they do. A professional might be able to crack through that guarded exterior to expose a tender part where he will better see the bigger picture and the depth of pain he inflicted. The counselor may need your words and you, in particular, to cause that opening to happen. I don’t know.
What I do know is that Steve and I have been in mentoring situations (we aren’t counselors) where an insight occurs to us, from something they said, and a breakthrough is revealed. We always stand amazed when we can participate in this process. It’s such a God event. I pray the same happens for you. Lean into the process. Come with as open of a heart and spirit as you can so you can get the most out of the counseling sessions. If you hold back, the healing process could be stalled or lessened. A “patient” that is willing to do all he or she can to heal, has the best opportunity of doing so. In holding back, pain can be prolonged. And again, make sure the counselor is marriage-friendly so you have that going for you. If you eventually recognize this counselor doesn’t seem to work for you, go to another, if that is best. I’ve seen this happen — not often, but it does happen. What I’ve learned is that often it is in the journey that we grow, not getting to the “goal.”
And one more thing, as far as God testing us… I’m not sure. Again, we can’t figure out God and His kingdom work. Just because we learned at one point, doesn’t mean that life lessons stop at that point. Sometimes God allows us to go through a series of storms so we are better strengthened for a hurricane that may eventually hit in our lives. Trials coming our way is all a part of living in this fallen world. And again, God does not cause the sin, which causes the trial. And who knows how many trials we may have had coming our way, which He averted us from going through? (Just like interrupted terror attacks.) We may never know this side of Heaven. But on the other side of Heaven, I believe we will be shocked and amazed and love God all the more. Seeing the bigger picture will clear a lot of things up for us.
… I pray for you Tracy, that you will be strengthened and will experience peace at times you never thought possible. May you never completely lose hope, and may you be blessed as you lean upon the Lord, rather than your own understanding.