Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(UNITED STATES) After 35 years of what I thought was a happy marriage, and after we were both there for one another thru his open heart surgery and my breast cancer ordeals, he confessed to me his 3 1/2 year intense relationship with a co-worker. I left, and he went to live with my son while I was in the hospital with nervous breakdown. Then–he died 2 1/2 months later.
I lost all we had put together –home etc. I have been in torment for 7 months, finally got my own apt. and although lonely, I am moving forward thru reading, quilting, sewing, church and faith. It’s a very very slow process and it indeed is one step forward and one step back. But all the steps forward are now put there for just me.
I also got cut off as beneficiary and got zero money from insurance as that was due to son taking control for own profit. Rose Kennedy was asked the question by a reporter “Mrs Kennedy how do you keep going on after the loss of so many children?” (right after she lost Bobby, who was so dear and close to her). Mrs. Kennedy replied “Because I refuse to be vanquished.” I then looked up the word vanquished, and found it meant to give up, to lose faith, and various other words of that nature.
I adopted her strength, and on bad days I simply say “I refuse to be vanquished” and I know in my heart that if she could endure all she did, I too can survive and go forward. And –I’ve made it seven months now and feel a tiny bit better every day.
(UK) I, like so many others, am truly shocked at the sheer number of hurt, lonely souls out there and my heart goes out to all of you. My story? Well, my husband of 8 years got himself blinding drunk before coming to bed at 3am. He sat on the side of the bed sobbing saying what an awful man he was and how sorry he was for being such a disappointment.
3 am I was still fuzzy obviously… what are you talking about? As soon as he said the word “you’re gonna hate me for this” I knew deep down what was coming… although (and some of you may relate to this) 10 seconds seemed to last an eternity in my mind where I tried to piece things together… and couldn’t! He’s been having an ‘affair’ for the past 3 years and she is pregnant -POW! Just like that… my world caved in… but it didn’t feel like it, I truly didn’t know how to filter this and was inwardly shocked at how calm I was… knowing full well I should be psychotic at him.
I thought it was some sort of cruel joke, or that he was drunk and didn’t know what he was saying. It has slowly sunk in and I’ve gone from angry, to sad, to crying, to singing out loud to rebel music. I’ve sent him out of the house and am disappearing for the weekend to get my head straight. Now, just to put everyting into perspective here… there is ALWAYS a reason for a partner having an affair… sometimes it’s trivial, sometimes it’s just that they can’t keep their snake in their trousers, i.e., its their nature.
This man is a good Christian, church every Sunday, always looking out for those not was well off as him… it’s why I fell in love with him. Unfortunately everything but our sex life in our marriage was great… and this, he says is the reason. He says it was purely physical, no love, etc etc… I felt like a star in some kind of Mills and Boon film! It was like he was a parody of himself!
Moving on though, I have no idea what I am going to do. He is very remorseful but that does not ease my pain… my heart was broken by a cheating fiance once before (I do pick em!) and I was weak then. I tried to kill myself and put my poor parents through hell. I swore then that I would never be so weak again. It is black and white… do I want this marriage or not? If I decide to remain (I believe very much in my vows and the constitution of marriage) then it will be an uphill battle but one we must do together and HE WILL go to councelling with me. If I decide I cannot live with this deceit then this too will not be an easy decision.
Luckily we have no children, so I can be selfish in my decision… either way. The pain -I know from experience – will lessen, time heals!
(USA) I have been married to the partner of my dreams for eight years. We have two beautiful children. My husband and I are truly best friends. We live, laugh and love together. A month ago, after being physically assulted by a family member I began using pain killers (for damage from the assult). One night I used too many and drank wine. Essentially out of my mind, I had sex with another man. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was so high/drunk that I didn’t think about how I would deal with the repercussions of my actions. I am not a drug user, and I rarely drink, but this night I ran into my abuser and handled it with medication.
Immediately after, I was devastated. Completely devastated. My husband is simply perfect. Loving, affectionate, supportive, happy, self-confident, an amazing father and provider. I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t for one second want him to think it was his fault, or that he didn’t satisfy me (because he does in every way). But we don’t lie to each other, and I respect him too much to lie. I told him after two days of torture. Every time I looked at him or our children I wanted to die.
We talked, cried, and our marriage has been so phenominal ever since. We are closer, more affectionate, and we both exhibit our love for one another every minute of the day. A month has passed and he is angry now. He is really struggling and is now very, very mad. I completely understand this, and respect this; but WHAT CAN I DO??? I am not in fear of our marriage ending, but I want to help him work through his feelings. I answer any questions he asks me, and we communicate calmly and lovingly, but deep down he is a mess. He says he’s sick to his stomach and is consumed by these feelings of hurt and anger. My poor baby.
Can anyone PLEASE help me? Give me advice on how to help him work through all of these emotions. Prior to this, I had NEVER thought of cheating, never had the desire, and I will NEVER do it again. It was a mistake that I would give anything to reverse, but I cannot. How can I help the love of my life???
(USA) I am in the spot your husband is. You have been his everything, his wife, love, mother to his children and intimate partner for years. You gave the intimacy away in one night to a strange man. He is going to hurt for years to come and your pedestal he had you on is gone. But he does love you. And you are still are all those things.
You made a horrible mistake that night and know better now. What you can do is recognize how bad he hurts and be there for him and SHOW him through your actions and words and touch. YOU will have to so strong to do this. You don’t have the strength now but you will gain it over time and daily practice working through this with him. He now knows you are not as perfect as he had you made out to be. And he is not either. That is something that comes with all of this… we are all imperfect and everyone can fall.
The hard part is getting back up. The hardest part that most people fail at is getting through it. Build your strength and show love to him daily and be ready to face the anger. But if you stay the course he will one day move past it… but only with you.
(US) Can’t even begin to understand this. My husband died 4 weeks ago from a massive heart attack. Found out last week he had been hiring local prostitutes from his “other” email addresses. What do I do? After the anger I need to think about HIV testing, huh? I WANT TO DIE.
(USA) My heart goes out to you Elaine. How awful to be in a place where you are grieving on so many levels. — so, so sorry & so sad for you. HIV testing would be wise — difficult, but wise. I hope you have friends around you that can walk through this grieving process with you. My heart and prayers are with you. May you not lose hope through this time that someday, you will see the sun rise again and a smile will eventually be on your face and in your heart. Your grief is so new and so raw — especially with this new startling and horrible news. I wish you well and pray for you a peace that passes understanding –that it will envelop you and surprise you at moments when you least expect it.
(USA) Unfortunately you found out after he had died. I am living with the hell of being married for 39 years and a betrayal that has gone on for many of those years. I don’t wish I was dead, but I wish he was.
(US) I just found out my husband has been cheating on me with a woman for six+ years, but there have been other women too. I’ve been with him for 16 years, and finding out about this betrayal is absolutely sickening. I am in so much pain. I feel inadequate. He has always claimed to be happy with our lives, and yet he has cheated repeatedly. I feel like I don’t measure up. I am ANGRY that he would hurt me like this when he claims to love me. He admitted to his lies because he was caught, and NOT because is remorseful. I happened across his emails to all these women… but specifically the 6+ year affair. I was shacking with pain.
We are in counseling, his suggestion, trying to repair what has been broken, but with all trust gone, I wonder if he is true in his desire to repair our relationship or is just to appease me…. pacify my anger. I don’t want to resent him, but in all honesty I don’t know if I can get over this. I am 40 yrs old, smart, attractive and perhaps I should just cut my losses. I however feel for our 8 yr old child. This has been an emotional roller coaster. My child is devastated with everything going (my child does not know about the transgressions). I sense the anxiety; guilt; the pain of seeing me in pain… I am trying to hold it together for my child, but it’s not easy… and my husband wants to act as if this is just a little bump on the marriage road, and does not see it as the tragedy that it is for me.
I am not perfect, and our marriage has had a few bumps along the road, finances, attitudes… but nothing that I thought would make him cheat with one woman and attempt to cheat with many others. I find myself trying to make sense of things, but he doesn’t want to talk about to spare my feelings. At this point there’s nothing he can say that could possibly hurt me more. I have questions and he would answer. His response is, ‘It was not you, it was me’ what does that mean? Really? It makes me go over the edge. I’ve broken several things around the house… the rage I feel is so strong.
I pray that things will change for the better but can’t help but to just want to go my way. I can’t live with wondering if he is seeing other women. I wonder why he has the need for sexual encounters, I’ve never denied him any sex. If anything, he stopped initiating sex with me… again, the feeling of inadequacy. I wish I didn’t love him, things would be so much easier, but now… it’s about loving me. I pray that things become clearer for me in the coming months… the deceit, broken promises, the pain is unbearable… no one should have to go through this agony.
(USA) My husband had 3 separate affairs. He created a ad online looking for sex, 2 affairs with men 1 with a women. It’s so hard to forgive him. He went looking for this. It was very intentional. He sent pictures of his body to women and men. I really want to forgive him but I hate him too.
How can I go on with someone like this? He apologized but that’s basicly because I kept catching him with text messages or email clues, he would lie about. Finally he gave in and spilled.
(USA) Jessica… what was your outcome? I am going through this now and am in so much pain over it.
(ZIMBABWE) I am one woman who was very unfortunate to get married to the devil himself. The pains that I have been through, I would not wish them upon even my worst enemy. My husband for 12 years has never really loved me. He pretended to be a believer and won my heart. He married me because I was the daughter of a famous man. Now I discovered that he has been cheating on me all along. He sleeps away from home many nights.
I have found him in bed with women at common brothels several times. He is never sorry, and he doesn’t change his ways. He even speaks to his girlfriends on the phone whilst we are in bed together. When he abandons the home for many days, he returns vicious and beats me up severely. He doesn’t support the family financially anymore. I have been so crippled by shame and grief that I have failed to run away from all the abuse. I am so angry with him, he has become so arrogant, and behaves like “I will do what I want and you can’t stop me.”
I am getting a divorce and I have separated from him. He remains unrepentant and unapologetic. It is all so painful, but I am a strong woman I will get through it. I just want to say that there is no need to continue with an unfaithful partner if he/she shows no remorse and is giving no guarantees of ever changing. If he is not committed then there is no marriage. Otherwise, God cherishes what the foolish abandons.
(USA) I’m so glad I found this site. I recently found out that my husband has had an affair with his ex wife for almost our entire marriage. We were high school sweethearts but he ultimately ended up marring this other woman. They we’re married for 10 years and had 2 children before they divorced.
When I met him they had been divorced for only a few months. He and I dated for 2 years, then married. During our dating they had a very hateful relationship, more on her part. They didn’t contact one another much and when they did it usually ended in an argument. Shortly after our marriage I noticed their relationship changing. They were suddenly very civil and almost friendly. Also during this time he and I were having serious trouble adjusting to the blending of families. The honeymoon ended very quickly. He turned to her for support as most of our problems surrounded their children. I was very suspicious of their relationship but he denied any concern.
Recently I was shown a video of her giving him oral sex, only 5 months after our marriage. I have also seen nude pictures and inappropriate texts. I have had discussions with both of them as well as her fiancé. They both tell the same story… it was one time and the pics were what lead up to the physical doing. They state that after the oral sex the guilt was too much and it was over. I don’t believe it but have no proof.
I have left him and her fiancé has left her. They have every opportunity to be together but are stating that’s not what they want and are trying to rebuild relationships with myself and her fiancé. I try to work with him but I can’t seem to move past it. As I stated they have children together so it’s not like they don’t have to continue to have contact. Mostly I’m just confused, I don’t understand why it happened. I just want a normal life again, this is miserable.
(UK) Hi everyone, I just found this site and can’t believe how many of us have had this happen to them. I have been with my wife for 25 years and she told me 5 weeks ago she was leaving me, she loved me but not in that way anymore. She then admitted she had been having an affair with her college lecturer. He had been going through a difficult divorce from his wife who had cheated on him and he was in pieces so they went for a drink and over time got close and it led to them having the affair.
I feel like my life now is ruined. She walked out and has been at her mother’s for 5 weeks with only a text to say how sorry she was for the way things had worked out and that she hoped time will mend. She had made her mind up and I deserved better! I don’t know what to do from here. I still love her with all my heart but can’t stop shaking and have felt like ending it all.
She seems quite adamant that she’s doing the right thing. She is out whenever she can, she has even booked a holiday next month with her friends. I feel like my life is over and hers has just begun. I am dreading her next move, i.e. the divorce. I don’t want to lose her but feel it is too late. She has decided he is the one for her and I just have to accept that these things happen every day and move on. I am in pieces and can’t see where I can go from here. Any advice from anyone would be appreciated.
(USA) My husband of 22 years and 3 kids had a 12 day affair with the company hooker; spent money on her, exposed our kids and told her he was in love with her. Could not perform when he saw her naked at the 9 day mark.
Came crawling back after the second attempt when I caught him because he knows I don’t want him after that mangey disease ridden scab. She was the laughing stock of the company, was fired for her acts last year and only called on him when she knew she would lose her house. He turned evidence against her and she lost her house and her abused baby. God has plenty more for her.
It’s going on 9 months and I struggle every day to eat. I’m at 100 pounds and they are all watching me wither. Some days I beg God to show himself to me and stop me from ending my life. My husband is sick over it all, pukes at the thought of her and how embarrassing it all is but my wreckage is my own. All sin bringeth forth death and my husband may have to bury me and do right by our kids alone. He admits now she is a guy in every way so what does that say of him?
God bless you that are dealing with this. there are some better days now, unlike just a month ago but grief never leaves you. it is a piece missing. Forgive means you give up your right to get them back, it’s not forget. :(
(CANADA) My wife (45) had a 42 month affair with a 27 year old neighbor. Not only did he befriend me to get to my wife, once they were caught he told everybody that she was dilutional. To protect his young wife I did not tell her what I knew. Now a year latter it is driving me crazy, I can’t sleep due to the turmoil. When his wife drives by me she flips me the finger. Help is needed.
(USA) It’s been 6 weeks since I discovered my wife’s infidelity. I’m living a nightmare everyday. I moved out the night I found out. If it was just a one time mistake. I could have been more willing to work on our marriage. But it was affairs with 5 different men, technically 6, but that was just sexting. She got pregnant and had an abortion. She also gave me an STD, chylimidia. Thank God that was all she gave me.
It still feels like I just found out. I loved my wife dearly. I busted my hump day in and day out to provide for my family. My 5 year old son thinks I’m at work all the time because I’m not there. It breaks his heart when I leave after a visit. So of course it breaks my heart.
I fell asleep last night crying. I woke up today crying. I drove to work crying. I ended up going home for the day. I just can’t pull it together today. Everything I am is destroyed. She is currently seeing a psychiatrist to “help her figure out why she did those things”.
I don’t care if she is bipolar, I refuse to let her use that as an excuse. I try to stay busy so my mind doesn’t wonder around. I’m taking a mood stabilizer and anxiety meds. I have frequent panic attacks. I’m normally a stoic kinda guy. Normally the ruff and tuff type. But this has floored me. I never would have thought that she was capable of such treachery. Between the pain she has caused me and the pain I see in the eyes of my children, I just can’t seem to function normally. I sleep A LOT. It’s the only time I feel any peace.
(USA) Jeremy, I’ve seen that it doesn’t matter how long the affair or the details. It’s the fact that our spouses, who we are one flesh with, gave to another everything that belonged to us and when they were unwilling, to give it to us. What does someone think they are going to get from one that betrays the spouse they have spent so much of their life with? If they aren’t faithful to us they sure won’t be to the other adulterer. The devil has no friends. But it doesn’t matter because in this case, she was just after money and says so. That is usually the case.
It has been unbearable and I don’t know how someone carries on with an unrepentant spouse. A repentant one is hard enough. There are days that I simply cannot get up. I stay in bed days at a time and pray for dreamless sleep. That is textbook depression caused by grief.
The most healing for me has come from my husband himself. He has written so many heartfelt things and said them. I know he is changed; he even looks different. He said that what he did is inexcusable. It wasn’t his to do that with; it was all God’s, then mine. He is ashamed, dirty, disgraced and now not only grieving as much as I am, but is feeling all the same physical effects I am.
In this 9 months there has only been one day that I didn’t cry. I’ve awakened crying in the middle of the night and he knows that I struggle to put it all out of my head all of the time and it’s especially hard when we are intimate. He promised to forsake all others, so he’s not only a thief but a liar, and he has acknowledged all of that.
I’ve been so close to suicide more than once. The destruction to this family is unspeakable. God promises so many things and I’m hanging on His promises. He says that He will bring our unrepentant enemies down and we will see it. He is the God of all comfort and will use all things to His glory if we let Him.
I don’t have any magic words other than I really do believe God at His word, and while I know grief is a piece of your soul missing that can never be replaced, I can promise you the burden gets a LITTLE BIT easier over time. I could not get my breath for so long. Please hang on. You are SO NOT ALONE in all that you’re feeling. It is excruciating. Share your feelings and don’t let anyone tell you to just get over it. See what the word says of how hurt Jesus was over Judas betrayal and He is God.
Do not let people tell you you are full of unforgiveness. The spouse that defiles his/her own flesh family is, or they couldn’t have done this to his own. Healing takes time and a blow of this magnitude is unlike anything else. No one has the right to tell another when that is either. You will do anything to ease that pain! Talking about it has helped me and if people don’t want to hear it, find ones that will minister. Hang on brother. You can count on my prayers<3
(US) I find it odd that the writer of this blog refers to the cheater as ‘he’ and the betrayed as ‘she’. But, statistics show that a wife is more likely to cheat on her husband. I am a husband who remained faithful after having been abandoned 5 times and during the 4th time, my wife had a lasting affair with a married man. She is ready to leave again because she has not come to terms with her own actions of betrayal. I’m ready for her to leave. God does not expect me to be a door mat or punching bag. My wife is abusive in almost every way possible. I should never have married her.
(USA) Others have stated that about the he/she thing. I’m fairly certain the writer of the blog agrees it happens the other way around too. In so many cases where the husband cheats, she is looking for money. In fact God does say that the love of money is the root of ALL evil and speaks of “the whore” that does this to a family. I’ve shared my story over and over and at the nearly 9 month mark, I am not okay.
I agree with you that God does not expect you to endure the abuse. I’ve been abused in every way since I’ve known him and this wicked adulterous nature in him has always been there. If those at work and church saw the loud, raging person (capable of being so intimate with such a raunchy person) we here saw, they wouldn’t like him but just like his mother, he’s a phony. I do believe he is sorry but God says the marriage bed IS undefiled, that is not the same as should be undefiled and everything has been defiled.
I do believe God is saying it is not a marriage any longer and the Bible does allow for divorce in this case. In the Old Testament they were stoned to death and while we don’t do that anymore for sin under grace, it is still over. This marriage/home/family is destroyed and HE NOT ONLY ALLOWED IT BUT SET OUT TO DO IT!
I’ve prayed for my own death since I’ve known him and 22 years is along time to live in such misery. Those that say we are angry have never felt such betrayal. You may have witnessed it but it’s still not the same and the facts of what this guy did to God, his own kids, me and my family is outrageous.
It’s time to accept the changes he made, once again. It is the pride of Satan that expects me to get over it again or should I say after over two decades of his mess. I cannot function from my grief and depression and my kids have been hurt too but he keeps telling himself he’s changed and sorry and that may be but he chose her over EVRYTHING even God. You cannot undo defiled or dead.
(ZIMBABWE) After reading comments on this site, I felt I am not alone. I found out in July 2011 that my husband had been cheating on me. We have been married for two years and this affair had been going on for a year. The worst part of it is that he was cheating with my workmate. He apologised and guaranteed it will never happen again, but the thoughts are still haunting me, and sometimes I cry. I can’t sleep at night wondering what I did wrong in this marriage. I can’t trust him anymore.
(UNITED STATES) Hi Lyn, I just posted too… I cry all of the time too. I feel so lost and lonely. If you need a friend, I’ll do the best I can… just having someone to listen can help. Hugs, Renee
(UNITED STATES) I have been with my husband for 13 years and married for 7. We have two children together. Our lives together have been terrible and I’ve always felt alone. He slept on the coach for 13 years and never touched me or kissed me. I always thought he cheated but never had proof. I finally broke and did something I shouldn’t have and got caught. I found out he was doing it for 13 years. He has mentally and physically abused me and I couldn’t take any more.
I feel I made the biggest mistake of my life and now have to deal with it. The sad part is if I didn’t cheat he never would have told me about the 30 women he has been with. I do not feel guilty to him but I do to myself and my children.
I am not that woman but when someone finally makes you feel good about yourself and compliments you no matter who they are and what they look like you go for it cause you are so weak. Till this day he puts the blame on me and calls me such horrible names. He couldn’t keep it in his pants and cheated our whole life together and it’s all my fault.
How to get this get away and heal is beyond me. I love him so much and for once I see he loves me. The abuse doesn’t stop though, and I am breaking mentally again. I need to stay strong for my children and start putting them first. I feel like I am not me. I don’t know who I am.
Is it possible for him to not love me for 13 years and then open his eyes and be madly in love with me? I am questioning this. One day he loves me and the next I am a pig in the street. I need advice from anyone here that has been through this. When he leaves the house I am always wondering where he is and can’t trust him.
(UNITED STATES) I need to vent because I don’t know how else to deal with this. My husband and I will be married 25 years in November. I’m turning 44 tomorrow so I’ve been with him more than half of my life. He has been unfaithful in the past, but we managed to get through it and the last time was 12 years ago (that I know about).
He’d been acting strangely and I should have seen red flags, but I trusted him wholly and never questioned why he was asking if we had unlimited texting, etc.
One day about a month ago, he was to drop off his trailer 3 miles down the road and was gone for 45 min. He was agitated that day really with no reason to be so I decided to look up the phone bill online. Now, his stupidity is that the phone account is in MY name, so I had access to details. I found out that for the past 2 months he was texting someone 3,000-4,000 times each month! When questioned he told me it was a guy friend and that he hid it from me because I don’t allow him to have any friends?!?!?!?! I am not stupid.
I have this NEED to know who this person is… I KNOW it’s a woman as no guy texts a stranger they just met selling them a car (oh wait… I text the number and “he” said they’re just friends that met when he bought a car from my husband but my husband said he never bought one. The “guy” told me not to text him anymore so his wife doesn’t get mad but my husband told me “he” has a girlfriend… so more lies).
This cell phone number is a pre-paid so I cannot locate a name. This is consuming me. I have absolutely NO trust for my husband who apparently thinks everything is OK with us now and still insists it’s a guy! I asked to meet him but he tells me that “Randy” now is mad at him because he used him to make me jealous! I am sick in the stomach every day… my mind dwells on this and I just can NOT deal with this properly until I know exactly what and who I’m dealing with. Any advice would be appreciated… I feel so lost and alone and I’m so tired of crying :(
(USA) I’m unclear whether you believe he is seeing a woman or another man but cheating is still just that and Jesus wept over Judas’ betrayal of him-FOR MONEY! You sound just like me and as my husband read different stories here he was amazed at how it’s the same all over the world. “A house divided cannot stand” People think Lincoln said that, It was God!
There is nothing more precious to God than the bond between a husband and wife and the family they build. Satan is out to destroy everything God loves whether it be at the government level or in the home. God demands love, faithfulness, honor and we that marry become one flesh. Again, Satan is out to destory all of that and he works anyway he can. Whether it be in the midst of a mid-life crisis or just boredom after so many years of marriage. The devil only has to persuade us to do that sin one time and we take it on willingly after that.
I have never suffered so badly in my life. It has nearly killed me physically and seeing my husband, repentant and so sick over it all is just another burden but unrepentant would be to much. He’s lost about 35 pounds and I’ve lost 45 pounds wearing a little girls’s size 10 slim. One size up from my 55 pound 9 year old. I’m almost 48!
God, according to His Word, DOES allow divorce in the case of adultery but desires us to work it out, if at all possible. It is not easy. I have forgiven-they are alive but I will never forget and my pain and grief are always there. Sometimes resurfacing with all the same rage as when it broke in Dec.
He defiled everything and everything in life reminds me somehow of it all. He gave her what belonged to me and only me and at the time refused to give it to me. He wouldn’t even try. Had so much hatred towards me he couldn’t hide it and why? and when she came to the company in 05, he wanted a private e-mail, slept on the couch and refused to wear his wedding ring. He says it is all conincidental but I know better. She was in her marriage so nothing happened but in that, he had more respect for their marriage than ours. But she called him a few weeks after her husband filed for divorce and was losing her house.
She was fired from the company in July. Could not fill her gas tank an called my husband the day before he got his Christmas bonus. She didn’t hide that she wanted money and he isn’t the only one. She calls herself a Christian, by the way. Just more unbearable pain for me to carry.
She and her sister continued to harrass and even threaten us. She’s 40! The last day that happened in August her sister ended her own life. “He that lives by the sword shall die by the sword” She has lost that house that she would let anyone do anything to her to save and yesterday I saw her lose custody of her innocent child who was getting ready to be a headline.
You may be one of the few that overcomes this eventually with little scar tissue, I am not and I suspect most here are not as well. That is the heart that God gave us and there is no shame in being “real”. I married for love and have been devstated over all this entailed. God lists it with murder, slander, back-stabbing, hatred, blashemy… the list goes on! If she had taken my checkbook, people would be furious but somehow they don’t see this as that big of a deal. She was after money and got a little, how I wish that was all she got. God is working on it all now and it has nothing to do with me.
Talk it out if that helps you, it does me and hang on tight. God is who He says He is and will do as He promises. He says He will destroy our unrepentant enemies and everything that each does will be answered for. The Lost world calls it “Karma” but it’s God “That you sow, you also reap” We have to step back and trust Him though and that’s not easy.
I would do anything I could do to help any of you hurting so intensely. It is unbearable but I don’t know what to do, I can barely help myself most days. All I’ve read here and your broken hearts go through my mind everyday. Some days, all day and I pray for your peace and healing. That helps to comfort me and we all need each other. You can count on my prayers and I believe God hears!
My husband is now the man of my dreams. He is so changed, he even look different and adores me. People think were newlyweds when we’re out. A very hefty price though.
Please hang on and know it will get a LITTLE easier to breathe with time. It is a very slow process but PLEASE do hang on. I genuinely love each of you and I thank you for putting up with me. I still need you and hope something I have shared helps you. I loved that “nothing grows on the mountain but everything grows in the valley” but the valley can be very dark, scary, hopeless and painful.
(UK) I have been happily married for 5 years, we have a 2 yr 7 month old son and I am expecting our second in December.
My husband works away and I found out last week that my husband joined a marital dating website and since Nov 10 to early 2011 was in cahoots with a married girl. Also from Feb 11 to Aug 11 he was in cahoots with another married girl. When I say cahoots, they exchanged mobile number and the girl has sent him pictures of their top halfs and there were dirty text messages going backwards and forwards. He’s saying what he wants to do to their bossoms and how he would like to **** them.
I can’t begin to tell you how much this hurts. He showed no sign of betrayal. He has assured me that he have never met up with them, that it all ended the beginning of Aug, and it was a moment of weakness and how he wants to kill himself for what he has done to me. He has told me it would never ever, ever happen again.
I feel so disappointed. I thought we had a great marriage, still active in the bedroom and get on really well. I can’t stop crying. I am devastated. Part of me wants to try to work this out and part of me wants to tell him where to go.