“How can married Christians, deal graciously with problematic siblings and sibling in laws?”
That is the question we’d like to address.
Each year, we receive quite a few emails, sent to us from those who are married. Many of them are encountering difficulties in dealing with sibling in laws. The same is true of those with interfering sisters and brothers. Most of these siblings are very demanding, and mean-spirited. They can also be vindictive in how they act towards the spouse of their sibling and cause trouble.
Others stay to visit too long so the spouse feels imposed upon and worn out.
Other siblings expect financial support from their older male sibling. They expect him to physically help them repeatedly at the sacrifice of his own family.
Spouse VS. In Law Siblings
In each case the one spouse is “at odds” with the other spouse because of the bond that siblings have had with each other through the years.
To help you with this issue, we found a few online articles that may give you some insight. We encourage you to pray and glean through the information —applying what you can use and disregarding the rest. Please click onto the links provided below to read.
Posted on the web site of the ministry of Todayschristianwoman.com:
According to an article posted on Todayschristianwoman.com, “He said, ‘She wouldn’t let me be myself.’ She said ‘He didn’t fit in with my family.'”:
• IN LAW CONFLICT: He Said … She Said
From the ministry of Focus on the Family here is some advice to consider when you spend time together in family gatherings and holiday situations:
— ALSO —
Video Regarding Dealing With Siblings
And here’s a New Life Ministries Youtube video you might find helpful. It deals with this subject where Dr Steve Arterburn, Dr Jill Hubbard, and Rev. Milan Yerkovich answer the question, “How do we handle a controlling sister in law who thinks she’s mom”:
Scriptural Reminder
When you have to deal in-law and sibling issues, bear in mind what is written to us in the Bible in 1 Peter 3:8-17:
“All of you are to be like-minded, sympathetic, love one another, and be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, ‘Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer,but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.’
“Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. ‘Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.’ But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.“
We welcome any wise, Biblically based advice you could give to help those who are having marital problems because of sibling in laws or extended family members. If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
(ZIMBABWE) My advice is prayer and acceptance is key in avoiding arguments. If you accept there’s commotion between you and your siblings in-laws you’ll start looking for ways as to how to forgive them and have a better relationship. Play the ‘fool’ as if you don’t see anything. Only God knows and the fact is, one day you’ll wake up without them in your house, and that time may come soon or never.
(USA) Yes, indeed, spouses and the children should come before extended family, but I am not understanding my husband’s relationship with his niece. She says disrespectful things that are out of place, and talks to me like I am her age. I’m 33 and she’s 22. I know I have to stop complaining to him, and just recently, I spoke up because if I don’t she’ll constantly say and do what she pleases. She calls me Auntie, but her actions are as if we are not forming the relationship correctly.
I’m learning not to complain anymore to my hubby because it only puts him in defense mode because it is his niece. But I am his wife, and the things she says, it seems as if she feels she can say them because my hubby won’t say anything, or if he does, it’s not stern; it’s compromising. The things and ways to deal with and address an aunt; she doesn’t do. Yet, she calls me an Aunt.
My husband is 11 years older than me, and I am no longer keeping in how I feel to her just because that is his neice, I finally said something to her, and she said Oh, I’m sorry. I’m not all there sometimes; as if that is an excuse. Little things she does, like when I ask her can I watch something over at her mothers house, she’ll say no because this is our house rules. Yet when she comes over my home, she feels as though she can do anything because of her Uncle, my husband. I also, want people to be comfortable in my home, but, as far as me; I just don’t feel welcome. I did tell my husband but I should have addressed her, not him.
Now, I’m starting to stand my ground realizing that I deserve respect and to draw boundaries because I am his wife. Also, when I hold her baby, she’ll start to comment about how I hold her but when my hubby does; she’ll not say a word. She’ll give him the baby first, and then he has to give me the baby. When I hold the baby, she’ll then start to complain about how I’m holding her. It seems as if she doesn’t want me to hold her baby at all. On another occasion, she was giving out baby pictures and stood right next to me to fill it out; but went all the way across the room to give the picture to my hubby.
So, yeah, things like that hurt me; and I wonder if she’s doing it purposely or just wanted to give it to her Uncle. I just started to build a relationship with his sister, just recently, which is great, but I would like to have a good relationship with her also. I understand they are close, but their is nothing wrong with the both of us getting closer. My hubby and I have been married for 14 years and I’ve watched his niece grow up, since she was 9 years old. Could someone let me know if this is normal behavior from her and should I just let it be?
(USA) My husband’s family is the same way, especially his nephew! My husband does not do anything about it. I get so hurt by the way things are I just want to give up but I don’t knowing that his family will win. My husband sits there and lets his nephew that is 13 years old curse me and talk to me however he wants to and my husband doesnt say a word! When I complain to him about it he says that its my place to stand my ground. I feel so unwanted and helpless here! If you figure out something please let me know. My husband does the same thing as your husband…nothing!
(USA) So what you are saying is –Let Them walk all over you!!!
(USA) Draw a broad line between family and the extended family. Always your family first, then the extended family.
(ZIMBABWE) I think problems with in-laws mainly arise if your spouse does not realize that his siblings may be doing much harm to your marriage. If he acknowledges, it’s easier to find a way forward together and in some cases he can talk to his family members. The big problem arises when he doesn’t see any harm and in some instances even takes the same side with his relatives. During times like these I’d advise going down on your knees and just letting the Good Lord takeover, he’s a faithful and just God.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Vasikana, it’s tough, especially if you are married to the eldest brother. My husband is Mr Solve It All, from his close relatives brothers and sisters to the whole extended family. He spoon feeds them like little babies. We came down to SA 2004 and since then we have managed to bring down 5 of these relatives. We do everything from financing the VISAs, to bus fares, to taking care and assisting in them in finding jobs.
l am very happy to assist but what worries me is me is these relatives stay with us for almost 6 months after finding jobs and my husband won’t agree/ask them to pay rent or contribute towards food or electricity. But every month end he sits with them writing lists of groceries that they need to send to home to their wives. My sister in law does general work, mostly domestic, and she is forever in and out of jobs and she comes back to live with us everytime the jobs ends. Is it our responsibility to look after her? l had to end up asking her to find her own accommodation just to make her see that she needs to be responsible and keep her jobs.
We stay in a 3 bedroomed house but at one stage we hade 4 relatives and had to move the kids from their bedrooms to accomodate them. There are many people comimg over this side from Zimbabwe. My husband invites people from his village that he meets at church to come over, and they don’t just stay for a day and go; they want to sleep over for days. I have tried to discuss with him that we can’t have all these strange people sleeping in the kids’ bed but he doesn’t see it the same way. He says l hate him and all his family and friends. We have 3 kids and this has created a lot of commotion in the house. We are so strained financially with the bills and all this welfare that we are offering. But how far is one expected to help? What are the limits?
(USA) Hi Vwa, I know what it feels like being out of your home country and the whole family being dependent on you. We have to help each other here because we may miss out on God’s blessings.
To those who may not know, the African family generally operates the way Vwa has explained, only that this is kind of extreme. When you get married, at one point some relatives may come to live with you or you may be given the responsibility of looking after other people’s children, paying their tuition. Rarely do you look after your immediate family alone. How a new wife relates to her in laws is major and she has to be seen to be accepting of her husband’s family. She now identifies herself with her husband’s family name, traditions their affairs etc. Visitors come without notice and its considered rude to ask how long they are staying. People like your husband’s brothers & sisters have very important family titles/ positions and you have to be careful how you speak to them and what you say to them. In other times direct confrontations are hard or unacceptable/ considered disrespectful.
This is the African culture and I hope readers will help based on this understanding. It will be great if articles on this site allow for such differences in cultures where confrontations, eviction orders etc are out of the question.
Coming back to you Vwa, ngatibatsiranei asikana. What I have learnt is that the more you show resistance to how your husband is handling your finances and how he “spoonfeeds” his relatives, the worse it gets. His natural response will be to defend them and like you said he thinks you hate them. First of all, we have to try and correct that kind of thinking by cooperating the best way we can. I know there is nothing to smile about when 50%+ of the family earnings are going out and you want to do your own thing/investments.
This is about you and your husband’s relationship. Your situation won’t change until you develop that relationship. Don’t make him see you as the enemy or outsider. Be part of the whole family issue, make it “your problem too” (sympathise). When he sees you are cooperating he is more likely to listen to your ideas/opinions.
Your relationship and state of affairs are stronger if you are in agreement. Even if the relatives try to play you guys against each other they won’t succeed. Try not to involve other relatives in these problems, you know how bad it can get. Let it be about the two of you. Don’t give people things to say about you especially those you live with. If they hear a thing, they pick up the phone and ring back home and involve the whole clan.
For now pretend you can’t see these problems and dedicate yourself to prayer because talking to your husband about his family almost always yields the same negative response. For the relatives who need genuine help, don’t be weary of doing good. Pray, pray, pray and get comfort from God’s word. One day you and your husband will be a team again. These extended family issues are for a lifetime so don’t let them ruin your relationship with God.
(USA) Lo, thank you so much for your comment. You are a wise & godly woman. Vwa’s situation is not exclusive to Africans only, the Haitian culture is very similar. I’ve been searching the web for godly advise about my situation which is very similar to Vwa’s; my husband and I are Haitians. I don’t want to whine and complain about my marriage, husband, or in-laws. I simply want to know how to best handle my emotions under the circumstances and the Lord used you to provide very good advice which I will heed. Thanks & God bless.
(CANADA) I agree with Denise, family should come first, then the extended family, or else the couple will find themselves broken.
(USA) Yes, my husband is the eldest brother to his only sister. I am going through so much pain that I am considering separating for a while. Our relationship, has gotten worse. He does not want to here my problems, and he has became very harsh to me, in everything.
He says things to make me cry. I feel terrible sometimes, especially without prayer. I just wish that he was there for me more. I feel hopeless sometimes. I am always in prayer for our relationship. I just have that inner feeling that says it’s time to step away for a while and get my esteem, and sense of self back together, because he is tearing down my confidence and does not even know it.
I feel that family (husband, wife, and child) should come first, and then extended family. I mean it is normal to be there for extended family, but, your first priority should definitely be your husband, or wife. You cannot ignore their feelings, and mistreat them, while at the same time you are careful of extended families feelings, needs, and emotions. That is not correct, and if you don’t want to see a strain on your marriage, then you should consider your spouse’s feelings also. I am living proof that if we don’t get counselling soon, it will definitely break us apart.
(INDONESIA) Dear Sandy, Don’t be so harsh on your husband. As a Christian wife we should be obedient and subject to our husband. Try and put yourself in his position. It’s very difficult for him if his sister has dependent on him all along. Try and love his sister; be friends with her. Pray for your husband, and for your relationship with your sister in law. God can work wonders.
Don’t let this break your marriage. Be supportive of your husband’s feelings and all. It’s not easy, but if you seek God’s power, he will work through everything with you. I believe that God will not let us face something that we cannot overcome. Trust in God. Love your husband, put his needs first and with God by your side, things will go easier. God be with you.
I am a Filipino married to a Mongolian. Sometimes it does not happen. It pains me to know he worries about his cousins first more than our son just because I am here to take care of him. I am hoping things get better, otherwise we might end up as a broken family. Its been five yrs now.
(USA) I agree as well, family first…and that means you, your spouse and your children. I think the problems arise when your spouse believes "family" to include everyone, mother, father, brothers, sisters, in-laws, nieces, nephews….you get the point. I think we all spend 18+ years knowing them as our family, but all that changes when you marry. As long as your spouse is aware of that, then you have something to work with. Just make sure everything you do and respond to is done out of love, not anger. (And I’m speaking from personal experience here) Don’t condemn, judge or criticize, if you are having issues with extended family, they will not be open to any of that. And, when all else fails, leave it in God’s hands, that’s where all of our problems belong.
(USA) I have had this problem with family for 8 yrs now and I have prayed. I have stopped going around these people and it is still bad. Nothing ever changes it is a horrible way to live!
I had the same problem as yours. I had 6 years relationship with my fiancee but the whole six years that we’ve been together was a hurtful experience because his family was always interrupting our relationship. That’s why we haven’t got it settled yet.
I was sufferring for that because it obviously seems that he’s prioritizing his family and their needs as well. He always said that he needs to help them first and he needs to make all his their lives better; but his life is miserable because he doesn’t have anything – but nothing. All of his salary was given to his parents, sisters and siblings’ children…and I am always his last. I don’t know why I am pushing myself with this kind of relationship.
All the things that I’ve done for him is nothing because in the first place it will be family…always family. How about me? Who am I to him? Even all of his family are not supporting and concerned about him, they are controlling him. They don’t like him even to have his own life and family. they said that they need him and he needs to help them. And they are just always using him in terms of money, especially his mother.
I hope I can still pass more years with this kind of behavior. He is always mad at me every time we’ve talked about his family.
(USA) My brother died in December and my in laws never called me or sent a card. We have been happily married for 18 years. They told me it was because they didn’t want to make me cry. So I was pretty upset and told them I was. My mother in law e-mailed me back and said some pretty awful things.
So anyway, they decided to visit our house over spring break. My husband is going to Afghanistan and I understand why they would want to see him. Well, they never apologized to me and so I decided I would visit my parents for that week. It was good for my parents for me to be with them at this time that we are all grieving (my brother was my only sibling and 34 yrs old).
So they were here to see Doug and the boys for a week in March. This was their 1st visit in 4 years. They called my house and told my boys that I was going to drive to Ohio this summer by myself from Nebraska and got them all excited over all the things we would do. So I was mad all over again because I had no intentions on doing this.
This is the 1st time my husband will be deployed and we will be apart for 6 months. So naturally, we want special family time before he leaves. Well, they just informed me that they were coming and bringing two more family members and staying on Doug’s last three days with us. My husband totally supports me and feels very uncomfortable with his own parents. He wouldn’t even open the fridge when we would visit. What should I do?
(AUSTRALIA) Hi, I have trouble with my in laws too and as hard as it may be, you need to create boundaries. You should be the people who invite your in laws, when it suits you. Your home is your home, you decide. If you and your husband take control, in a quiet way, it will benefit you.
(USA) I used to think the world of my in-laws and now that my fiance is away, sibling in-laws are starting to cause problems between him and I. I tried the "drop the rope" theory but it hasn’t worked yet. I feel like I am being blamed for the arguments they are causing, when in reality, I’ve done pretty much nothing to deserve the weight they are putting on my shoulders.
I’m also 8 1/2 months pregnant and they seem not to care that they are REALLY stressing me out. All they care about is their own selfishness. They are trying to make my fiance think that I don’t care about him. Also, my sister-in-law said to me that we couldn’t be close anymore because she hates my father. Well I am not my father, so I don’t quite see how that is in any way a reason to not be close with me.
(ENGLAND) I am a 40 year old Asian lady living in England. My relationship with my sisters has been very rocky for some years. I also have a brother whom I get along with fine, as we both share many of the same values and hold some liberal views, not always conducive to the Asian culture, Generally we are not heavily involved in our faith or culture, and have a strong belief that religion is a personal issue, and the best religion in the world is the religion of being a good, kind, tolerant individual, who doesn’t feel they have to display or follow a faith to be worthy.
My sisters have over the years felt they can treat me like a leper and not invite me to some family get togethers where it may involve other extended family present to invite me, so as these relatives will not question my absence. This issue has been raised with my mother who tells me it is in my head. Subsequently my mother has dropped her relationship with me over this UGLY sister situation. The Ugly sisters also decided they were going to emotionally cause problems between my sister-in-law and my brother, regardless of the fact that she was at the time almost 8 months pregnant. When the pregnancy issue was brought up – The UGLY sisters stated she wasn’t the first person to ever carry a child.
My mother sent a birthday card this year for my 40th with some cash inside. I don’t feel I can respond with a call as the last call with her was so abrupt and she showed no willingness to to be a part of my life or my children’s. This is so messing with my head!
I feel that it is so difficult for Asians today, living in a society of so many differing attitudes towards life. I am not a practicing Sikh, and additionally really believe life is precious and that every man should make their own decisions on what makes them happy and not be ruled by the culture or religious practices of people from similar backgrounds. My children have also beeen brought up with this belief. I have lost my sisters, parents, and grandparent as a result. Not sure if it was all worth it, what do you think?
(USA) Yes, I have had the same thing. My parents never call to see how my kids (their grandkids) are doing. I have to pinch myself to tell myself I am still of value and worth. I totally understand how excruciatingly painful it is. If you have tried to be nice, told them what you hope from them and have tried nicely to work it out and they are still doing this, I say the problem is theirs not yours. Focus on yourself, your children and your husband and friends and any relatives you do get along with. Good luck!
(INDONESIA) Hi, I can see how miserable you are. But if only you will put your trust and faith in Jesus Christ, things will sort out in time. I am a Chinese living in Indonesia. I believe that irregardless of how our parents are, we should still honor them. Don’t let pride get in your way. Forgive your parents for hurting you. Pray to God and I am sure God will show you a way.
As for your ugly sister, pray for wisdom before you seek her and talk out the differences gently and patiently. Try and pray. Prayers can create miracles. Nothing will work overnight, mind you. But with the right attitude, love, tolerance, and prayers, I am sure you will find improvement. Will keep you in my prayers.
(CANADA) My husband and I have been married for over 25 years…we got married very young…19 years old. At first my husband got along with my family just great. We got together all the time, etc. Then about 10 years ago my husband got very upset with what my parents decided to do about their home (they decided to give it to one of my brothers). At first I was upset but then I got over it. I love my parents and my brother, but my husband NEVER got over it. It has affected family get togethers tremendously. It has affected how my children feel about their grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins because my husband has been quite vocal at times. We have fought A LOT about this issue. I am a Christian and believe that God will work this out, but it has been over 10 years and I am getting sick and tired of it. Should I still be putting up with this?
(KENYA) Our warfare aint about flesh and blood. From my view, your situation seems as though nothing can be done about it. I therefore identify such a problem as a stronghold of hatred and rejection that needs to be brought down by the blood of Jesus. Identify if it’s a generational issue on both sides. Is your side and that of your husband’s to repent about it? Renounce it in the name of Jesus and invite Jesus into your marriage and into the relationship between your parents and hubby.
(INDONESIA) Hi Sharlyne, I think its your parent’s right to give their home to any of their children, although it will be nice if it is given to all equally. For us Asians (esp Chinese), it’s a common practice that the sons will inherit most of everything, and usually the eldest and the youngest sons will be the favourites.
Don’t get upset over this. Pray for your husband to get over this bitterness. If it’s yours, God will provide in His own way. And if it’s not yours, whatever you received will be taken away too. Pray for your children too. Do not let this hurt their relationship with your extended family. Have faith in God. Prayers can do miracles. As a Christian woman, we should be obedient to our husband and we should also honor our parents. Pray for your husband and children, teach your children to start reading the Bible, and pray with your children together. Prayers by more than one person is wonderful, so pray with your children. God bless you.
(UNITED STATES) I’m dealing with a SIL as well –that’s not so ‘perfect’. She goes out of her way to ensure that I’m excluded from every conversation. She NEVER calls the house to talk to my husband, she calls only his cell phone. I’m hoping this will one day blow over, but for now it’s nothing but awkward. We go to family events and ignore each other –talking over or around each other, but never directly to each other. My husband feels very in the middle and I can see that perspective. All I really want is for him to acknowledge her actions and see how that can hurt my feelings. What she expects my husband to do for her children and my kids (although not with my current husband) are clearly excluded in the grand scheme of things. I guess I just wanted to vent my situation. I haven’t really found anything that works –I go with ignoring and proceeding. I hope you have the full support of your husband cuz’ I’m sure that will help you through it all. :)
(USA) Let me know if you come up with a solution! My sister-in-law is a single mom and expects my husband to be the “man” in her family. While I really do think families need to help each other out, my husband has responsibilities to me and to our kids. My sister-in-law gets so angry- she thinks I’m trying to turn her brother against her. All I’m really trying to do is look after my family.
(USA) My sister-in-law is the same way. I hate it and can’t stand it. It keeps me and my husband into it all the time and I don’t know what to do I am at the breaking point! I love my husband very much but ties have to be broken at some point. Me and my children are his family now and he doesn’t see it that way!! I get so annoyed at things sometimes. When the kids are over for the weekend which is every weekend, we always stay into it we don’t talk or anything, and if we do its harsh things we say to one another! Like I said I love my husband with all of my heart but he never puts me first I am always last and I can’t deal with it; I have so much stress on me its not even funny and I just want this fixed but I don’t know how!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband & I have been married for almost 8 yrs and we still have family issues. I agree that spouse and children are first and then comes extended family (some of them don’t realise this). I am a Christian and my husband is not but I have been trusting God for a miracle. His sister has been causing problems in our marriage by telling him things which are not true. This is very hurtful and what makes it worse is that he believes her or sides with her. He doesn’t even try to understand the way I feel or listens to what I have to say. He gets defensive when it comes to his mother and siblings.
I have given the situation to God and I have no doubt in my mind that God will turn things around – for good. There was a time when I felt like giving up but I have come too far to just give up and walk away. The devil is using family members against us and he will not get away with it, not as long as we have God on our side! It can be difficult at times but we just have to keep on keeping on. The devil is a liar! Have faith everyone!
(USA) I will pray for you. You and I seem to be in the same scenario! I am so sorry!
(USA) I feel it’s very selfish on family members parts to put their brother or sister in a situation to serve their needs. When you marry, a husband, wife and kids are the first. Adults or so called adults shouldn’t rely on their family members for support.
As a spouse I can see someone may need help every once in a while. But when you marry immediate family is and always should be first. If extended family has a problem with that, it’s their problem. They need to grow up and not be so dependent on their family members. It’s sad.
(CANADA) How about when your spouse doesn’t allow you to invite your brother over to the house? If I do go ahead and invite them, he either makes them feel very uncomfortable by being very unfriendly when they are over, or he makes it so miserable for me before the visit, I just get so stressed out.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Me and my man are getting married in November this year. I already feel I shouldn’t go there because I foresee enough problems. He has a younger sister who has 3 kids. She gets no support from the fathers of her children. My man is providing for her and her children. We have a 6 months old baby and we are basically supporting 5 people.
My man is not willing to talk to me about his sister’s situation and if he is giving her money and how often. Whenever I ask him – he snaps and becomes really defensive – like someone protecting his own. At this stage he is unreasonable, irrational and emotional, calls me selfish and accuses me of all sorts of things like I think I am a better person. I really feel I should not get married to this guy – actually I should break up all together with him so he can provide for his sister with a peace of mind.
(NAMIBIA) You sound like, you are in a situation like mine here. My husband is a bread winner, and their family is driving me crazy. I wish I didn’t get married. Think really carefully so that you will not end up regreting for the rest of your life. I feel trapped amd I am miserable. I am the bread winner too on my side, but I come up with the solution to the situation as soon as I decided to get married. Imagine we live in the two bedroom house, and we are seven in that house, all from the husband sides, 3 teenagers, a one and my baby (2 months baby), and the Nanny. I am 29. The kids are insanely out of control, and that is the reason to why she has them. She says his mother can’t manage.
We are broke, I am operating on debt (overdraft), oh Lord, it is so stressing me out. I don’t know what to do. I think I need therapy before I have nervous breakdown.
I can’t finish talking, you know I have so much in my heart that I want to get out.
(USA) My husband was close to his Mother, one sister, & a niece. This is after his father had passed away. My sister in laws husband/nieces father was in & out of jail. This made him sort of "fill in" as the male of the family. This sister is competitive with me & so is her daughter who is 12! They have made remarks to me as to suggest that I share my husband with them. Yes, I do but in the appropriate way!
They try to make me look negative behind my back by exaggerating information & lying like for example how much food I feed my 7 month old, & other areas of motherhood & being a woman. It’s almost like a political race!! They are always criticizing me & discussing me with other members of the family to make themselves outshine me.
The 12 year old makes remarks also! He has another sister & they do this to each other so I can imagine they do this to me as well. This sister has a complex. She is boastful, competitive & deceptive. I do not trust her as a confident. I am polite with her & try to get along but it comes to dreading get togethers because of being around her. She is loud & dominant & probably insecure. She practically plans every holiday & all of our family plans have to revolve around her. It’s like she is top dog.
My husband knows she has a complex & mentions it frequently. On the other hand, he still calls her a lot & gives her the upper hand & seems to fall at her feet. When I mention this, he gets mad & denies this. She is younger & it seems he looks up to her, she’s infallible!
She & her daughter try everything to cover up their wrongs & impress my husband to keep themselves close to him & in his favor. I don’t understand this hold she has on him. He is wrapped around her finger! She is boastful towards me because of this. If she did not have this complex & air towards me, then I would probably not have a problem. I pray that my husband would wise up & not let her have so much power over him. How can I deal with this sister in law when my husband feeds her complex & I have to be around her often? Thanks.
(USA) Your situation sounds so much like mine. My sister-in-law is a single mom and just assumes my husband will be the “man” in her family. My husband understands this is a problem, but she is his sister, and he can’t help trying to help her out. I think we’re going to try counseling.
(USA) I feel for you as I also have a problem SIL. She doesn’t accept me as my husband’s wife, I feel like. It hurts because all I wanted was a friend. She claims to be a good religious person and prays but I wonder who she prays to. How can she be so mean and negative and still think she is a good praying woman.
I totally understand how such a SIL can be very stressful on a marriage. She has high expectations of my husband and what he should do for her and her kids, but has nothing to offer him or his wife. My husband doesn’t see it like I do because he is a very giving person but he should see it from my point of view. I don’t like to go to see her because on top of her negativity and lack of acceptance of me and ignoring me, her husband is arrogant and unpleasant to be around.
When my husband talks to her on the phone I have to leave the room, its gotten to that point because it makes me angry and hurt that he can talk so nicely to a woman who was mean to me from the day she met me. But at the same time I understand I can’t make him see my point of view because he has a different relationship with her and she is passive aggressive with me so its hard for others to see her behavior. She knows if she directly criticized me or was mean to me he wouldn’t stand it. So she’s sly and sneaky.
You can’t win with such people. Only thing you can do is take as much distance as you can. Luckily my husband contacts her less often than before.
Hi Mermaid, Well it sounds like God has already given you the discernment of your sister-in-law and the situation in general. No, you do not have to be best friends with her. You’ve already seen that.
I’m sorry to hear your husband will not hear you on this. Although I’m not in a situation exactly like yours, I do however, know what it is like to live with someone who is self-oriented (like your sister-in-law) to the point of destructive behavior toward others. And many times, people like this tend to drag others into their volatile style of living without those people even realizing it. Your husband fits into that category.
You have been given discernment about the situation, but your husband’s eyes have not been opened.
I live with an abusive husband. Because he is no longer hitting me, he thinks everything is just fine. They are not. In his spirit and words, he is still as abusive as he always was but he does not see this.
I was recommended the following book by a Christian counselor and I highly suggest you obtain a copy for yourself. I could only find it on amazon – the local bookstores and my library did not have copies but you might be able to get one at your library.
The book is called Foolproofing Your Life, by Jan Silvious. I highly recommend it – it is specifically for someone in your situation and you will see not only the personality type of your sister-in-law in there but the others around her as well. Counselors call it the “family system” – it’s the means whereby dysfunctional behavior continues, sometimes (many times) with those closest to the member who is dysfunctional, enabling them.
You may not get your husband to see his enabling habits toward his sister but it certainly is worth praying to God about to open his eyes to the problem. Either way, it will help you to read the book and, if you think your husband is open to it, have him read it, too, but he may not want to. I wouldn’t push it with him. You’ll know if it is God’s timing on whether or not your husband is to continue to be blind to the situation or not. But the book will help you and put you at tremendous ease about the situation.
Blessings, LT