Are you dealing with a spouse who has decreased sexual desire for you? The question is, what can you do about it?
If decreased desire in a husband or wife becomes a problem, couples need to begin the solution by having a heart-to-heart talk outside of the marriage bed. Some feel they are wrong to expect their marriage partners to have sex with them. Yet 1 Corinthians 7:3 makes it clear that the husband and wife have a responsibility to meet each other’s sexual needs. If your partner lacks interest, begin by praying for help in having a difficult but necessary conversation. Then together explore the possible cause or causes.
Decreased Sexual Desire?
Ask your spouse, “Is there anything I can do to help you be in the mood more often?” Perhaps he’s bored with the routine. Perhaps she needs help with the kids. Consider together whether lack of interest in sex is a new problem. Or perhaps it’s always been this way. Is he getting his needs met elsewhere? Does she seem to have no desire at any time? Is work particularly stressful lately? A man will often avoid sex because he’s having potency problems. That is because he is afraid of risking failure. This is why it’s so important to discuss his lack of interest in a supportive and loving way.
Medical Help?
Seek medical help if the lack of desire is not a temporary difficulty. Physical reasons for low sexual interest in men include conditions such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, extreme stress, and a history of alcohol abuse. Often the medication history can give clues, as a variety of drugs can impact libido and function. Anti-hypertensive medicines, medications used for migraines, and most of the SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft), so useful for certain anxiety and depressive disorders, can dramatically lower libido. If brain serotonin levels are relatively high —as is true for many patients on antidepressants —sexual dysfunction may occur.
Is Stress or Job Performance Causing Decreased Sexual Desire?
People with high-stress jobs or very physical jobs can, indeed, be physically tired. A phenomenon that appears unique to men, though, and that seems similar to a general depression, involves an unsatisfying work experience, or a sense of “failure to accomplish” something significant in a lifespan. For many men, job performance and sexual prowess are tightly linked.
In addition, failure to perform up to his own “standards” can begin a downward spiral of ongoing failure. If a man tries to have sex when tired or distracted by job or other concerns and can’t maintain a satisfactory erection or reach ejaculation, it can plant deadly seeds of doubt in his mind. These can be powerful enough to cause him to prefer not trying rather than trying and failing. Encouragement, support, and “another time, another place, another try” without pressure may resolve the issue.
A husband who experiences these episodes is hardly alone. The e-waves and airwaves are inundated with advertisements for erectile dysfunction aids —both prescription and non-prescription approaches. This change in publicity is striking. Erectile dysfunction has, in fact, surfaced as a major male issue and is frequently followed by seeming lack of interest in sexual expression. Erectile dysfunction along with premature ejaculation cause considerable male sexual difficulties. However, there are may successful therapies ranging from biblical counseling to specific medications for particular patients.
Hormonal Issues or Aging?
Hormonal issues can play a role for both men and women. As a man ages, the testosterone slowly decreases which may cause a noticeable change in libido, size and firmness of the erection, as well as force of ejaculation. For the man who has been able to perform “on demand,” these changes can be anxiety-producing, even frightening aspects of the normal aging process.
For aging women, besides the hormonal effects, body image seems to play an enormous role. As a woman feels less attractive and less secure, she may resist advances and be more reluctant to initiate sexual expression. So we find husbands with failing confidence in their ability and wives that are insecure in their appearance —a recipe for decrease in the number of intimate encounters.
For men, obesity may also be a factor. In a study of nearly 2,000 men at the Harvard School of Public Health, “those with 42-inch waists or larger were twice as likely to have problems getting an erection as those with 32-inch waists. Researchers suspect that’s because they had risk factors for heart disease. They have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and inactivity. This compromises not only blood flow to the heart, but also to the genitals. What’s the solution? Here’s a suggestion: frequent work-outs and low-fat diet.”
Seek competent counseling
One woman wrote, “When my husband takes his arousal pills —about four times a month —we have great sex. But I’m angry at his need to take ‘something’ to have sex with me.” Her words demonstrate how easy it is to take his low desire personally. But if he needs medication to achieve an erection, his lack of drive is probably out of his control. The available medications increase blood flow to the pelvis. And perhaps it boosts his confidence. Her anger would seem to be misplaced in this situation.
This couple could probably benefit from a third party to help them have some difficult conversations in a supportive atmosphere. It’s not easy to talk with someone else about your love life. But sometimes a neutral party can help a lot.
Many counselors and most pastoral counselors, however, have no experience in sex therapy or dealing with these intimate issues. So try to find someone with training and expertise in treating sexual problems. Checking with your physician might be a good first place to start.
Is There Help in Other Ways for Decreased Sexual Desire Between Spouses?
When the wife has a lower sex drive than her husband, she can still usually help him experience sexual release in a relatively brief time. Providing sexual release is more complex, however, when the one with the lower libido is the husband. Because sexual satisfaction for her generally takes longer, requires more concentration and ambiance, and is a reflection of the intensity of her feelings toward her man, the uninterested husband must involve himself for much longer to satisfy his wife.
And her partner’s enthusiasm is more closely linked to her ability even to experience orgasm than it would be for many men with less interested wives. Nevertheless, it’s still worthwhile to have intimate contact. Do this even if it’s only to assure her of love, affection, and concern for her welfare.
Bear in mind that there are alternate ways to achieve orgasm even when the husband suffers from erectile dysfunction. Couples should feel free to explore and experiment in these areas. Perhaps once the husband is successful in these ways, his lagging libido will be less of an issue.
Painful Conversations
Some husbands are trying to be sensitive. But they often find themselves having painful conversations that go something like this:
HIM: “Do you need me to meet your needs tonight?”
HER: “It would be nice if you actually wanted me.”
HIM: “Hey, I’m doing the best I can.”
HER: “I don’t want some sort of sympathy session —doing it because you have to. You’d just be pretending.”
HIM: “Then what do you expect me to do? Lie and tell you I can’t wait? I’m willing to meet your needs. That’s the best I can do right now.”
The neglected wife will probably feel insecurities. They include, “If only I were more beautiful” or “If only I were more sexy.” Even if doctors can identify a medical cause for the husband’s seeming indifference, these feelings are difficult for her to overcome. Yet it’s important for her to remind herself that God created her in His very image. For this reason she is a beautiful creature. She is fully desirable, despite her husband’s medical or emotional issues.
Feelings of Rejection About Decreased Sexual Desire
Because a spouse’s lack of interest usually brings feelings of rejection and even insecurity for the more interested partner, he or she may be especially vulnerable. 1 Corinthians 7:5 gives the clear command not to deprive each other for this very reason. That is because it leaves one’s spouse more vulnerable to sexual temptation. If your spouse refuses to or can’t help you achieve sexual release, you as the deprived spouse must recognize the additional moral vigilance that must accompany such difficulties in your life.
The way your spouse decides to respond to your need, though, is largely out of control. If he or she ignores your pleas despite attempts at communication and intervention, seek the help of a third party. If your spouse remains unresponsive, you must live with the devastating realty of life as a celibate married person. The ongoing support of a trusted friend will be essential to helping you deal with such a loss.
Express Your Ongoing Desire for Oneness
In this case our Savior’s submission to the Father serves as a source of enablement and encouragement. “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23 NIV). That is not to say you silently bear it, opting never to bring it up. Periodically express your ongoing desire for marital oneness. Yet recognize that if your spouse fails to respond, it’s out of your control.
For many women, their husbands’ lack of interest is a source of ongoing grief. Sexual oneness was an essential piece in the marriage equation. If this is true for you, express your emotion to God. Know He will honor your for exhibiting a quality that reflects the heart of God Himself. He has a loyal, faithful love that cares for those who cannot reciprocate.
This can go both ways. Many wives are no longer available to their husbands after the kids are grown and gone. A man in such a situation must learn to live godly in the midst of her selfish approach, as well.
Sexual Difficulty Can Lead to Decreased Sexual Desire.
Jesus Christ understands the difficulties of the celibate life. In Ronald Rolheiser’s book The Holy Longing, he notes:
“When Christ went to bed alone at night, he was in real solidarity with the many persons who, not by choice but by circumstance, sleep alone. And there is a real poverty, a painful searing one, in this kind of aloneness. The poor are not just those who are more manifestly victimized by poverty, violence, war, and unjust economic systems. There are other less obvious manifestations of poverty, violence, and injustice. Celibacy by conscription is one of them.”
As we’ve said before, the number-one sexual difficulty couples experience is the inability to talk about it. This appears to be a pattern that continues through the years unless couples make a specific effort to communicate about their intimate lives. Physicians estimate that nearly half of their menopausal patients suffer from a loss of sexual desire or satisfaction. And while approximately two-thirds of the men have noticed a decrease in sexual activity since their partners entered menopause, only half of the couples have discussed these changes together.
Communication and Knowing is Important
So the first line of defense of communication. The second is knowing what to expect. The third is knowing to seek help any time you experience discomfort or ongoing anxiety. Finally, focus on benefits of loving well at each age. In their time of youth, couples experience new, exciting sensations, and awaken to worlds of self-discovery. With maturity comes skill, confidence, and deepening intimacy.
In old age, couples bring to each other the wisdom and joy of love learned over a lifetime. As the authors of Love and Sex After Forty remind us, “Love and sex are twin arts. They require effort and knowledge. Only in fairy tales do people live happily ever after without working at it. But sex does not merely exist after the middle and later years. It holds the possibility of becoming greater than it ever was.”
Like the bride in Song of Solomon who felt free to say, “Dark am I, yet lovely” (Song of Solomon 1:5), we face growing old together by working to create a secure atmosphere to reach other. In that place, loving eyes look beyond physical imperfections. They exclaim, “This is my lover, this my friend” (Song 5:16 NIV).
This article came from the book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(NIGERIA) I’ve been married to my pastor for 10 yrs with lovely kids. Sex has never been what I wanted it to be, but recently I just don’t feel anything when I’m with him. In fact, I dread it whenever he asks me to have sex with him. I’m so scared of ending up doing it with another man and having to confess to adultery. Help me. I can’t talk to him about it because I know he will turn deaf ears. He just seems to be insensitive to my sexual satisfaction.
(NIGERIA) Sexual pleasure is one of the reasons for marriage. Sex is allowed only in marriage. Whatever God creates and makes is good, beautiful and enduring. What is happening to Hannah is the result of the influence of Satan whose main work is to “kill, steal and destroy”. Probably, when she makes love to her husband, he reaches orgasm and goes to sleep leaving her unsatisfied! This has been a routine and she has now lost total sexual interest in him. She is now fantasizing how she could get her satisfaction from another man but the fear of God’s wrath won’t let her. She must’ve taken her eyes off her husband and someone else is now the object of her attraction sexually.
The solution is to get on her knees and repent, ask God the creator to rekindle her love for her husband. Secondly, she needs to discuss the problem with her husband to enforce foreplay before sex to help them have mutual sex satisfaction. Above all, she needs counseling from a true and mature Christian who is having a successful marriage. I can help her.
(USA) I feel sorry for my sister whose husband does not satisfy her. The problem with most of my African brothers is they just don’t want to discuss sexual matters with their wivies. They just rush to say where did you get that from? I am an African and I was married to one so it’s a shame that a woman will end up finding help somewhere else but you have a man in the house who can satify you.
People need to be open to each other and talk about all the things they like and all they don’t like. It helps. It makes 2 people mingle and stay as one. My ex husband used to rape me and I just didn’t feel anything, I was not allowed to say anything about sex. He would just think maybe, I had been with someone else.
Relationships are like a job, 2 partners at work. How can you expect one to do it alone? It needs two, and together they will travel a long way. I hope my sister will find a way to work things with her husband. So many people think once they are married everything is done; there is nothing to worry about. It is a man’s work to make sure his woman is happy and it’s a woman’s work to make sure her husband is happy. If only one person is doing the work, it ends up boring.
(USA) Diseases like diabetes can lead to sexual impotence. The diabetic wife may live with celibacy or be tempted to divorce. In an article on the web site listed below such thoughts are discussed:
http://www.trenchvillecity.com/doctors_delay_advising_insulin.htm
People can speak of morality, commitment and religion in regards to sexual impotence, but the wise person should blame the doctor if a person truly needs insulin and the doctor fails him or her. Several factors indicate the need for insulin, including bleeding gums, sudden impotence, diarrhea, sudden weight gain and excessive weight loss. Of course, many do not want to take insulin, but again marriage is about “Us,” so no one has a right to act selfish and allow some diabetic to suffer. In fact, doctors should be sued for not prescribing insulin and that legal case should be in regards to lost affection.
Sex is a vitally important area in marriage, so it’s worth facing this situation head-on. Your husband needs to get a complete physical, even though he may feel too embarrassed to tell his physician what the problem is. Don’t assume stress is causing your husband’s impotency; a physical disorder such as diabetes mellitus or a hormonal imbalance are possibilities that need to be ruled out,” according to an article in Today’s Christian Woman.
(USA) From what every one is saying I’m the bad guy in the catagory of a husband who doesn’t want sex. And it is very true I don’t even want to go there. I’m in my mid 60’s and my wife is in her 60’s also. My wife would like sex once in a while and she whines about this and other things at me about it. We’ve been married 43 years and I would guess the last sex was about 20-25 years ago. I love my wife then and now, we’re not as great physically any more. But that is OK.
When we first got married we were both virgins. On our wedding night my wife wasn’t in the mood for sex, and when we did go on a honeymoon things weren’t a whole lot better. When we had sex, I just couldn’t get into it. It was like Ok we did that so what’s next?
In a way I guess I followed my parents. They had no intimacy at all. My mom actually hated my dad. She said that just before she passed away, not to bury her next to my dad. It never was exciting, we didn’t experiment. It was always missionary and nothing else. Time went on, we had two kids and they seemed to consume all our resources. I worked nights and weekends, my wife worked part time during the day. We saw each other coming and going at the front door.
Needless to say sex was pushed to the bottom of the list. Here we are in our 60’s, I have high blood pressure, cholesterol issues, mild depression and sleep problems, plus I weigh too much. I take pills for all that. All these pills have erased my libido. I can’t take Viagra or anything like that, it effects my eyes, and I get dizzy. This is on the low dosage. So maybe I have something wrong with me. It’s too late for sex. I’m fine without the sex and intimacy thing.
A little advice for the younger folks, straighten your problems out early in life. Find time for your needs, and be attuned to your partners. Experiment and have sex like rabbits and enjoy yourselves. Those who schedule time for sex do it at that time. Don’t be afraid of sex toys; they won’t bite. Get kinky once in awhile, do different things. Remember to talk to each other; don’t be too proud or embarrassed.
(USA) I too am a refusing husband and my wife and I haven’t had sex since our last child was conceived 20 years ago. I thought this was the way all marriages were. You have your kids and after a while you get sexually bored with your partner and the sex stops. I got so bored of sex with my wife soon after we married that I lost all sexual desire and couldn’t get an erection or have an orgasm with her. Attempts at sex were simply stressful and unpleasant and thank God she stopped asking for sex a year or so after it stopped.
We are good buddies and have raised two great kids but my only sexual outlet all these years has been masturbation and porn. It wasn’t until the internet came along and I started reading about sexless marriages that I realized that many husbands and wives continue having sex for many years after the kids are born and my situation, while not rare, seems to be unusual.
(SA) I’ve been married for 8 yrs with two kids and don’t want to have sex or be romantic with my husband. In fact we were best friends before, able to talk about my problems with my love life. He was there to listen to my frustrations and I never thought I would be married to him as he was not the type of a guy I could date. But things got out of hand. We ended up kissing, then he started taking me out. I got confused as he didnt strike me as one of the kind, though he’s a man of good character, but not the looks. I also thought he was born again, but no, he’s more of a cultured person.
These things I found out in my marriage… too late to turn back. While dating, I dumped him. I realised that I was not in love with him. He pleaded and I felt guilty for the words I said that “he’s not my type & I don’t see myself having kids with him. I’m also ashamed to introduce him to my friends, coleagues etc, because of ugliness.” And that time I was dating someone. My brother said I would regret it as I’m letting gold slip away and I felt guilty so I took him back.
While we were dating we were tempted into sex before marriage and I got pregnant then got married. The 1st year we had problems as I discovered that he listens too much to his parents, too much culture “believes in God & ancestors”, too much controlling, making me feel like I’m not capable of making my own decisions. To make things work I had to push/force.
I enjoy being pampered, kissing in public places, being romantic, and I tried to initiate. There was no initiativeness from his side. I believe I’ve made a serious, huge mistake marrying him out of sympathy. I’ve lived with this regret since 2001 till now, wondering what it could have been like if I was married to the one I was dating before and I am always comparing and wishing thoughts on other men.
I hate kissing him, making love etc. I’m so lonely and last year I kissed someone close to me as we are going through a lot in our marriages. I’m afraid of committing adultery physically, but in my mind i do. I suggested that he should have a woman who will satisfy his needs “sexually”. The only thing that keep me in this marriage is my kids as I know they will suffer if I divorce. I really don’t know what to do!
(USA) I am so sorry for you. I too lived the life you are living now, for 25 years!!! I finally, in the 22nd year of marriage, divorced. I had 3 children, 2 from the marriage and 1 from a previous relationship. Our youngest, my son was killed at 20 years old in a hunting accident and helped me to make the final move a reality. My son was not happy with his father, as he was an addict of something, (usually illegal) at one time or another during our marriage. He loved his father but had not an ounce of respect for him. I guess in offering advice, it is true what they say, you should not stay in a bad marriage because it is never, ever better for the kids. I have a daughter that isn’t even interested in men, although not gay, and a daughter in an abusive relationship with a creep of a guy and thinks that is okay!!! No matter what, the good comes with the bad. One has to determine which is going to make you happiest?!?!
(USA) My husband does not want me. It hurts so bad, and he won’t go a doctor for a general checkup, let alone talk about this issue. It’s NOT a problem, well, for me, it is! He does not care about me, or have sex with me. He is dutiful and a hard worker and loves God, but I want his heart and sexual desire, too. It must be me – this is my second husband whose libido went away. That hurts a lot. Thanks for listening.
(USA) Hello Pan, I also am struggling with the lack of intimacy in my marriage. My husband has no desire for sex. He loves to cuddle and hug but that also didn’t come around till about a year ago. He has a hard time expressing himself and for so long I was thinking, “what’s wrong with me?”….why am I undesirable!!?? I have cried many nights and had many discussions on this issue. Always with the same outcome.
He tells me IDK why I dont have desire. I know I love uu but I’m just not into sex like iI was when I was young. Oh, and am 33 and he is 39. So, when he says “younger” I say, “but we still are young.”
So it’s been about 7 yrs now since this has been a major issue and now we are trying to get pregnant and I feel so dirty cause I feel like I am forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do. :(
If there is anything that you have found in your search for answers let me know.
(USA) I have the exact same problem !(him 38 and me 36), trying for a baby when he is not even in the mood for sex for over 3 years… none!) So if you ever come to any solution with your partner, I would greatly appreciate it if you could please share. I’ll pray for you, as I pray for my relationship as well.
(USA) I have been married 10 yrs, with no kids. My husband is a responsible man. A lot of people say he is a good husband. From the surface, he fulfills all husband’s duties, except that we get intimate once in 2 or 3 weeks. We are both in our late 30s. I am still getting other men’s attentions.
I had conversation around this topic with him and he explained that he would have had a bigger sex drive if he was in his 20s, and we had this conversation I believe when we were in our early 30s. I kept thinking is it me not being attractive but obviously other men seem interested. Him not wanting to have sex with me is making me feel so undesirable.
One night after watching an action movie, he was aroused one hr after the movie when I got home. I asked why. At first he said because he saw me being attractive but when I drilled for more he said it’s the imagine of the action movie actress made him aroused. I refused to have sex with him that night and I feel very insecured and angry, feel very sick in my stomach with the thought he has some other woman in mind while use me for sex. I don’t know what to do, can’t really talk about this with friends.
(USA) Sorry you’re going through this. So many women are going through this. I think you answered your question as to why he has a low sex drive with you. It is NOT you. “He was aroused ONE hr after the movie”. Lust in any form can be very damaging to a relationship. Chances are he is getting his sexual needs met by himself. I would talk to him or at least look for evidence that he is viewing porn. I also understand that it’s really hard to talk to your friends about this… but chances are, some of them are dealing with this same situation.
(USA) I go through the same situation. Well, this is so common in married lives. Think in the other way if you get aroused by seeing a smart man or something very sexual. You would also feel emotional and would like to have sex with your husband. It so nice of your husband to be true to you. Other husbands would not tell the truth. So you should enjoy sex with him, even if he is thinking about someone else. I think this is one of the ways of making sex.
Otherwise he will use another process to help himself. Your husband is true to you. Be happy with what you have with your husband. Otherwise, people will not even get sex in their life easily and they will regret. I know it hurts when he is speaking truth.
(USA) I went through this same thing and worse! I hate to break the news to you, but most Christian men who have no libido are hooked on porn, whether they will admit it or not! Sad horrible truth. I was with him a decade until I realized that nothing I do will ever make him want me, so I divorced him for his sexual immorality.
I have this deep fear that most men are like that, lured in by Satan. I only hope and pray that my next husband has a healthy, strong libido, like “normal” men!
Having gone through this, I felt hated! I felt like he didn’t care about me or my needs. And because of his actions I hated myself too. But, the truth is he was a kind and otherwise good husband. I feel for men whose wives neglect them with this horrible sword through their hearts. Of course I feel for woman too, I know how you feel… I went through it a decade!
(USA) You said it exactly the way I feel. thank you!!!!!
(CANADA) Hi Dear, So sorry to hear about this. But I have the same story as yours. We have been married for the last 2 yrs. I am 27 and my husband is 30. He never had the desire for sex. Even in our courtship period, he never talked about it. I thought that things would improve after marriage, but I was wrong. I have to beg him for sex, and get it maybe once in 2 months if I am lucky, he tells me that I will try :( I know how bad it feels.
We have had a lot of fights over it, but there comes no solution. Now we are planning for a baby, and it feels extremely bad that I have to beg him for sex, so that i can conceive. I know once I conceive it will fade off again. He is not concerned about my feelings at all, and never even tries to fulfill it. I have taken it as my destiny now…
(CANADA) Please all you ladies that are trying to have babies with your husband that don’t want to have sex STOP! Do you think it will get any better after a baby arrives? Believe me it will get worse! Do you want to live the rest of your life in an unsatisfying relationship? Adding a baby will only make less time for you have together and making it ten times harder to move on when you realize you can’t live the rest of your life this way. I wish someone would have told me this before I went ahead and had a baby in a relationship that leaves me unfulfilled.
(USA) Oh how your comment hit home, but I am one in my first marriage… I am crying as I read this whole thing.
(UNITED STATES) I am in the same situation, my husband does not want sex. No desire (his words). I am hurting and searching for answers. He says he is ashamed but also said we are getting older. I still want, need, and desire him. Why doesn’t he want me? In Feb. we are supposed to celebrate 29 years. I can’t celebrate. It hurts; I’m feeling broken!
(USA) I have been married for 5 yrs with two kids, 3 & 1 yr olds. In the last year my husband has lost interest in having sex with me, It went to 2-3 days a week to 2-3 times in a month. The only time we do have sex is when I initiate it and it almost feels as if he is doing it as a chore. I have tried talking to him about it but he says there’s nothing wrong. I am saddened and some nights cry myself to sleep because of his rejection. He is only 23 yrs old by the way, so I can’t explain why exactly he could be losing his interest in sex at such an early age.
He says he loves me and shows affection in other ways (hugging, kissing) but rarely leads to anything. I see no signs of him being unfaithful or him satisfying his own needs, what can be happening here is what I wonder.
(UNITED STATES) I am married to a Pastor and we have been together 19 years. I love him but sex is an issue. Honestly, it always has been. We go through spurts where we are like rabbits and it’s great and things are good. Then we fall into a slump. It has been nearly 6 months and we are definitely headed in the wrong direction. He doesn’t satisfy me. He says that I don’t initiate sex and I don’t, but I want it and like it. He doesn’t have any passion; it is all sex. So he turns me off.
Lately I have been fantasizing about being with someone else, even though I know that is Satan and I am not going to succumb to the ways of the evil one. My husband is now working in a facility filled with women, so he is being approached and confronted by women all day long, he has a past before pastoring that is not desireable, but stands firm that now that he is in a clergy position, he will not succumb to those ways. I don’t know how we will get back our intimacy and drive for one another. When we do have sex it is quick, meaningless and less than satisfying. He gets release, all I get is frustrated. I hate the fact of even fantasizing about another man, because I know that God is not pleased with that. The scripture says if you thought it, it is as if you did it. I am praying but I don’t know what else to do.
(UGANDA) Hi Marie, This sounds a little confusing as you actually mention that you get in spurts when you are like rabbits and then a slump but in the same breath mention it is all sex. At what point is it all sex and then unsatisfying?
Because you mention sex is quick, meaningless and less than satisfying like there has never been a good time. I would say you need to both work at the times when it was great or at least survive on that until you have prayed your way back into a fulfilling relationship. Another relationship will not satisfy you but you can even start learning the initiation since you actually mentioned you enjoy sex.
(USA) Most of this article is BS. Why is it that it is always the man who can’t perform for the sex-starved wife? What about the sex-starved husband? My wife had been thru menopause and just no longer has any desire for sex. She wants to have the desire and loves me very much. When we try, it is painful for her because of no desire, and no lubrication plus a gradual shrinking of the vagina. There is so much help for impotent guys, but almost nothing for women with no desire. I am a healthy man (64) who has the desire and stamina of a 25 year old. I really need sexual stimulation on a regular basis and am not into affairs. I have no problem with erections and my desire is very strong. What am I to do? I really love my wife and do not want to look for sex elsewhere. Where is the help for our situation?
(USA) I have found some wonderful help for our sexual intimacy in the last year. My husband (who was also experiencing decrease in libido) and I both began treatment with a doctor who prescribes bio-identical hormone pellet insertions (Sotto Pelle). He is very thorough with the pre-testing process. We are in a similar predicament as your wife but both of us were experiencing the loss of libido which was uncommon to both of us. We would have relations once a week just because we knew our relationship needed it, but it was not the same as when we both had the “interest” that was present in the first 30 years. Good news! We have a restored sexual relationship at 60 and 57 that is at least as good, if not better than, pre-kids! Lots to enjoy and smile about!
(USA) Roberta, How has the increase in sex affected your esteem, your energy, your mood?
(USA) I really liked the message in the article above. I have been married 29 years and have always struggled with a lack of sexual interest in my husband, even early in the marriage. For years we fought and I resisted having sex. My husband remained faithful.
I knew in my heart that something wasn’t normal. Doctor after doctor ingnored my concerns. I did have four children so sex occurred but not at all like I thought it should be.
Finally, last year I heard about the bioidentical harmones and my blood work proved that I was very low in testosterone. After the first pellet insertion, within a few weeks I finally had a sexual drive. My husband and I had two months of sexual bliss, but then all of a sudden now my husband has no desire for me.
I am in the process of grieving through this. I have no idea why he is no longer interested in sex but the article above gave me a lot to think about. I have more than likely put too much pressure on him to perform. We need to talk to each other about what is going on. There is a chance that my pellets are too strong. I will discuss this with my new doctor.
The pellets have given me a new release on life. Having balanced harmones has done way more for me than just increasing my libido. I now have more energy, better concentration and finally feel more normal. I would highly recommend that others reserch the pellets and see a good experienced doctor.
(US) There are insertable lubricants that can help with dryness. They last longer than topical bottled types. Find something to love about your wife’s changing body and tell her about it. She may be feeling very insecure that she may not be the same as she once was. Give her massages without expecting intercourse to help her get reacclimated with your touch. She is probably frustrated with herself too. Try to be patient and congratulations for not seeking elsewhere.
(USA) She needs hormones. I did a saliva test at my Gynocologist office, they sent it off and I am low in testosterone, estrogen, progesterone and DHEA. So I have had a patch and creams to use for 6 months and I am like new. I have energy, desire and my life back. Get her to the doctor!
(USA) I am so relieved to finally find a place that I can get this out. I have been with my hubby for 19 years. He has always been selfish. ALWAYS! Four years ago he started looking at porn. In counseling, the counselor told me that I was the cause of my hubbys sex addiction because I did not satisfy him. I took it to heart and was willing to do anything my hubby needed to help him. Within a month my hubby developed ED. He was ok to allow it to be my fault. I did eveything imaginable to try and fix the fact that I was not good enough to turn him on. I was practically begging like a dog. I felt so ugly and worthless that I just didn’t know what to do.
Then he sat me down one night and told me he had a medical problem. He didn’t go to the doctor for another year. So two years with no intimacy and me trying fix the problems of a sex addict who couldn’t get an erection. It was humilating and degrading. He finally went to the doctor and was given hormone treatments because he practically had no testosterone. Still interested in sex, he would want foreplay and try to have sex with me with a partial erection or no erection at all.
This has been going on for four year now. I am 38 years old. I am going thru ‘midlife crisis’ or ‘biological clock ticking’ or whatever you want to call it. To me sometimes it feels like the human equivalent of being in heat! I want sex and think about it all the time. I am sick of all the activity that should lead to it, but never does. I feel terrible about myself. My hubby has been and is selfish and has never once considered me thru this whole ordeal. He will take a viagra and can’t wait for it to start working and is done with his needs 30 seconds after he takes the pill. I don’t want him to touch me anymore. I have talked to him and told him how he makes me feel, but he is just so focused on his needs and feeling like a man that he never considers what I say. I don’t know what to do anymore but be depressed and cry. I am so afraid of what I might do if anyone gave me any attention.
(ZIMBABWE) I have been married for 16 years to a guy 15 years older than me. My husband lied to me about his age and many other things in order for me to agree to marry him. I was young and naive and he took advantage of that. Now the lies and the age are beginning to take a toll on our marriage. I don’t find him attractive anymore and I constantly fantasize about other men. I have had an affair because my husband is failing to satisfy me sexually.
I always find an excuse not be intimate with him. He is old fashioned and very terrible at lovemaking. Since we have been married we kissed less than ten times; he just doesn’t know any foreplay. I feel I have to force myself to have sex with him as a duty. When we eventually do manage to have sex he can’t hold it up and it’s so frustrating that I end up not wanting to have sex with him at all.
My husband is not open with me and doesn’t like discussing our sex life. He has been secretly taking pills to boost his libido. I found the pills when I was cleaning and I was angry at him for not being open with me. I decided not to confront him as this usually leads to terrible fights. I think he is feeling guilty of not satisfying me but being secretive is not helping anything.
(USA) Rejoyce, Let me start by saying I’m sorry your husband lied to you. However, that’s the only thing he’s responsible for. You seem to shift all the blame for things going wrong after that to him. Fantasizing about other men is not his doing, you are responsible for where your mind wanders.
You had an affair, not because he didn’t please you, or meet your needs. You chose an affair because you valued your own pleasure over your vows. He did not hold a gun to your head and tell you to have an affair, so don’t try to shift the blame to him for your decision to have an affair. You complain that he’s not open, but then in the same paragraph you say you are not willing to confront him. Have you been open about your affair? Does he know about that?
Your husband is probably not the only one not being honest with you. It seems you are very good at not being honest with yourself and shifting the blame for your choices onto him. If you want him to be honest, you have to be honest as well. You have to tell him about the affair, you have to be honest that you are finding it difficult to control your own thought life, that you don’t find him appealing in bed etc. If you are not willing to do all those things, then you are guilty of exactly what you complained about in him, being dishonest.
The answer to his dishonest is not your dishonest response. The answer to his dishonesty is to be 100% open and honest about yourself. All of it, the good and the bad. Unless you confess your own deceit, your own blame shifting, you are exactly what you despise in him.
(USA) Rejoice, Your lack of desire and lack of want for the husband will transfer into him and lower his libido. It’s the body language, attitude and spoken word that we feed of off. If you give men nothing to feed off of (I’m sure women too), over time that desire will fade and the confidence associated with it. I’m not sure how you can’t understand your lack of want and desire for your husband can transfer into him as a lowered libido, and weakened and even loss of erections.
It’s the same with a woman, if she keeps coming to man who simply does not want or desire him. Over time her desire for him will fail, and possibly the confidence associated with her sex drive will also diminish.
Christian sex is quite different from the world, as the attraction and beauty in the person is much further than skin deep. It’s about the love and how the person is to you, that will create a different type of desire and lust. Due to this, a man or woman can still have a very strong desire for a spouse who has gained weight, or less physically attractive due to the love they have for them.
From the communication you have presented it is very self-centered. Also blame shifts all the sexual relation issues on the husband. It seems you have become focused on the age difference and perhaps what “you are missing out on”. It’s not really that big of a deal. I would talk with a professional or church based councel if I was you. Also be honest to your husband without tearing him down. There must be something you love about him or the way he treats you or prioritizes his marriage.
(USA) Wait til it gets to be years– many years. I knew before we were married that my husband had a low sex desire, but we also had great times with lots of loving. After 7 yrs of marriage we came to none at all. He is faithful, I am sure. He loves me. He shows me in so many other ways. His testoerone was just checked and very low. He seems to have no desire to fix it. He is happy like we are it seems. I am lonesome for him, I could cry.
(USA) I too am going through a sexless marriage. I have been married for 16 years to a man who just tonight told me he has no desire and no excitement. He has multiple medical issues going on, I just cannot take it anymore. By day, I have to do all the work because his doctors said he needs to take it easy because he has difficulty breathing, every Saturday night, he makes me cry.
If I try to say something pleasant like lets be happy and smile today, he goes off on
a rampage. Tonight, he made me cry by telling me he has no desire for me and no
excitement. I have tried to do everything to be exciting to him. He just has a low libido. I am ready to just leave, I can’t take it anymore. I am unable to use my medical equipment to sleep because he just keeps upsetting me. Tonight I threw things all over the living room as I screamed. I just cannot take anymore. Help
(USA) My wife and I have been married 43 years and the last 30 years have been without sex, intimacy, love. What happened ? I found those things totally uninteresting and as of right now very useless. We own our home together and we share the laundry room and garage. Everything else is hers and mine. My wife has the main floor and I have the lower level.
Appartment type living. My wife was not happy with these arrangements , but that’s the way I wanted it. I’m a loner and quiet type person, who would rather stay at home and not associate myself with other people. My wife is the opposite. She has female friends and male friends who she goes out with. Often times her friends spend the night with her. I’m not jealous at all but happy for her.
(USA) I’m really getting frustrated. I’m 40 and my wife is 38. We have two kids and she’s been a libido rollercoaster for the past 8 years. We’ve always had tension because my libido was much higher than hers, but about 8 years ago she really started having issues after the birth of our youngest child. Since then, she’s tried many things, spiritual, medical, hollistic, etc. But nothing worked.
Then, she got to a great doctor who prescribed a bioidentical compounded cream that seemed like magic. Her mood got better, her drive came back more than ever, she was nice for a change and didn’t blow up at the drop of a hat. Then the economy hit and we lost our insurance. We had to opt for another doctor under our county plan and the prescription changed.
Well, so did she. BIGTIME!!! It’s been 5 months and I’m about to explode. I try deep breathing and being patient, but lately I can’t sleep. Not next to her. The temptation to have sex with my wife wakes me right up and I can’t do anything about it. I can only sleep if I stay up really late, which hurts my work the next day. I know I sound selfish but I need intimacy, sex, friendly companionship, and I don’t need to be griped at all the time for every little thing, with no hugs, kisses, sex or anything at all.
I’m tired of feeling selfish for needing a real marriage relationship that’s fulfilling to me. I’m a guy, but I still need to feel loved and appreciated. That’s the biggest thing lacking. But, every time I talk to her about it she gets irritated and I can’t seem to get anywhere talking about it. Lately I’ve wondered just how long this can go on. She’s gone from very active and interested to not even being nice to me, off again, on again, and I’m going nuts. I try to just cuddle with her and she looks at me like I’m crazy. I don’t want to look elsewhere for my physical and emotional needs, but she seems unwilling to really try to be a caring, loving, giving companion. Can anyone help me figure out how to at least cope with all of this? Some creative or constructive ways to handle it?
(USA) I’ve had no interest in sex, love, intimacy since first married 40 plus years ago. Why we married I have no idea. After having sex the first few times, I became really bored with it. Like we’re done, that’s all, what’s next? The first 15 years we had sex maybe 25 or 30 times and the next 25 years plus we hadn’t had any. To this day I find no use for sex, love, or intimacy. I don’t like being touched by anyone. Shaking hands is difficult.
My wife has been lonely and depressed for years. Early on I made sure she got pills for those problems. Over the years she has gotten better. I totally enjoyed how my life turned out, but I can’t speak for my wife. We’re just friends and always will be.
(INDIA) My aged 35 & my wife aged 32. We are 8 yrs old into our marriage life. I am a thyroid & diabetic patient but I take medicine. My wife has borderline thyroid & diabetes for at least 2 months. Our basic problem is that we live a stresssful life for many reasons, when we tired to have a baby & on her left side fallopian tube is blockage & her weight is 68 kgs & my weight 75 kgs. We tried treatment from many doctors & she had to have laproscopy. Before 6 months we had go to IVF but did not succeed; her egg quality is poor & come TV in uterus. She will not go for IVF. It’s very painful. Please help us, and give tips to conceive a normal pregnancy. We have no passion.