On the issue of having different sex drives, the following is an article written by Michele Weiner Davis. It is written in a question/answer format:
Hi Michele:
I’d like to ask your advice about sex. My husband and I have very different sex drives. For him, everyday would be great, and twice a day would be greater. For me, once a week, but to accommodate him, I’d have sex twice a week. I don’t think I’m abnormal, but he asks, “What’s wrong with you?” I say it’s normal for a couple to have sex once or twice a week. He says he doesn’t care about ‘normal’; it’s not enough for him. He has a point, but everyday and even every other day is too much for me.We’ve been married almost 20 years and have both built up a lot of resentment towards each other —he, because of the sex, and me, for a whole lot of other marital problems. Neither of us knows how to solve this problem, but it’s a big one. Signed, K
Michelle’s Answer Concerning Different Sex Drives
So, would you like to read Michele’s answer? We will make sure you do. But first we want to let you know that the advice Michele gives is not written from a “Christ-follower’s” perspective. Even so, we feel it is still very sound and very good. That is why we wanted to include this article.
Michele Weiner Davis deals with this issue and other similar issues in her book, The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide. It is published by Simon & Schuster. Again, this is not a “Christian” book, so you need to read it accordingly. But we have heard some very good things about the helpfulness of its content. We’ve read a lot of Michele’s material and have heard her speak several times. We truly appreciate her frankness and have found what we’ve heard to have a lot of truth to it.
The scriptural basis we at Marriage Missions see for the advice Michele gave can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
We’re Told in the Bible:
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Now, to read what Michele writes in response to the above question. Please click onto her Divorce Busting web site to read:
Additionally, Michele has wrote an article on this subject for the former publication, Marriage Partnership Magazine. In this article, she was asked the following question:
Dear Michele: Please help me. I’m 28, married with a 3-year-old daughter. For the past three years, my wife has avoided being sexual with me. We’ve gone from having sex twice a week to now, if I’m lucky, once a month. I’m miserable and I can’t keep living like this.
For Michele’s answer to this question and others, click onto the Todayschristianwoman.com web site to read:
• WHEN YOUR SEX DRIVES DON’T MATCH
“Good Reasons” to Say No?
Also, Paul and Lori Byerly, from the web site, “The Marriage Bed” write the following that is true:
“Some people seem to have a never ending supply of ‘good reasons’ for saying no. None of the reasons seems unfair. But taken as a whole it’s obvious something is wrong. When a constant stream of reasons for not having sex continues for very long, there is some underlying reason for the lack of sex. The reasons given are merely convenient. Or they could be concocted excuses that hide the real problem. The truth is that we make time and energy for the things which are most important to us. So when we are routinely too busy or too tired for something it suggests that the real issue is more about priorities than time.”
To read more that might help you in this area of your marriage, please go to their web site to read:
Question Concerning Opposite Sex Drives
Also, Pastor John Piper answers the question:
“How should a husband and wife manage having opposite sex drives?”
To help you further, below is an “edited transcript” that comes from an audio address Pastor Piper gave answering this question. (Or you can listen to the audio by clicking into the title below.):
• How should a husband and wife manage having opposite sex-drives?
Shortened Transcript:
Paul addresses this pretty directly in 1 Corinthians 7, in the first paragraph of that chapter. In it, he says to the Christian husband and wife, “Do not withhold from each other your conjugal rights.” This means sexual intercourse. Do not withhold that.
“Does not the wife’s body belong to the husband? Does not the husband’s body belong to the wife?” Now those are radical and dangerous statements to say to your wife, “Your body is mine.” What balances it is that she says the same thing. Sometimes she says, “I don’t want your body on my body.”
So what that text says is, “Compete with each other about how to bring the other person joy, to maximize the other person’s gladness and satisfaction.” Now that does not solve the problems. But it gives you an orientation that is so wholesome and so helpful.
It doesn’t solve the problems because, if she says, “I’m too tired for sexual intercourse,” and he is communicating, “It would be really nice right now,” she should give and he should relent. That’s the way it should be. His heart should be, “I’m not going to make you do this, no matter how strong I feel.” And hers should be, “I’m here for you, no matter how tired I am.”
Solution?
Now, how does that bring a solution? It’s a matter of degrees, I think, and who at that moment is maybe the most sanctified. Who is experiencing the grace to yield?
I just think that we should preach hard to husbands, “Serve her. Don’t manipulate or use her. Don’t turn her into a manikin for masturbation. And don’t treat her that way. She’s a human. You want her all there. And you don’t want to use her. You want her there —there, enjoying you. That’s the point of this: mutual consummation, psychologically, spiritually, and now expressed physically.” And those are the best moments of all, when the physical event is the consummation of a spiritual, psychological whole event.
I think we should be preaching to men, “Don’t think of your wife as an instrument to be used for sexual satisfaction. Think of her as a whole person who has her own deep longings and desires. And you want to live in such a way as to draw her in.”
Sex Begins in the Kitchen
Foreplay begins with whether you’re washing the dishes or not. That’s foreplay. If you help her wash the dishes after supper, if you help her clean up, if you serve this woman —this is about sex, right? Because if she has made a nice supper, and you finish it and go plop yourself on the couch and watch TV for three hours, getting red-hot sexually because you’re watching sexually-stimulating advertisements, there’s a problem. And then at 10:30 if you say, “I’m ready!” she’s not going to be ready! That’s ridiculous.
So what I’m saying is that spouses manage their different sex drives by loving each other like they love themselves. They should not be demanding. But should each try to serve the other. And they meet somewhere in the middle in a way that both of them perceive the other wants the good of the other. Neither feels used by the other.
The wife —I’m going to use her as the example, because it is more typical that the wife has less desire for sex than the husband (though that’s not universally true) —will want to accommodate his stronger desires. He will want to avoid giving the impression that she is only there for his sexual satisfaction. And they’ll find a way in the middle, as Christ gives them grace and humility.
Does it make a difference if one partner’s lack of sexual drive is from a medical condition?
Well, I’m sure it makes a difference. And I think that what the man or the woman would want to do is to come alongside the partner who has the medical condition. They would empathize and say, “What’s it like?” And then they would work at it.
I know a couple where sexual intercourse is painful for the woman. And it’s not clear that the reason is entirely physical. It could be that there are psychological components.
I know another situation that ended in divorce. I did the marriage, and I was just heart-broken. Nobody at Bethlehem knows who this is anymore. As soon as this couple got married it emerged that she thought sex was filthy. Her mother had drilled into her. And she had seen it in her parents’ relationship —that to have sex is to do a dirty thing. Therefore she was constantly pulling away. She felt like his desires were unclean desires. And that never got fixed. They broke up. I couldn’t provide the help that they needed. She was deeply deeply wrong about that. And she was deeply wounded by her background and maybe other things.
Different Sex Drives and Other Reasons
So, I know that physical and psychological things, not just different sex drives, do make things extremely difficult. It calls for a lot of patient loving care so that the person who has the condition feels understood and listened to. You’re not just saying, “Get yourself fixed, because that’s what my marriage is supposed to be.” Rather you should come alongside. And you would do whatever medically or psychologically can be done in order to find a pattern that is workable.
There aren’t any ideal sexual experiences in the world, I don’t think. Every woman probably has a picture in her mind of what she would or wouldn’t like. And every man has a picture in his mind. They’re never identical. Maybe once in a thousand you would say, “This marriage represents her receiving and giving exactly she wants, and him receiving and giving exactly what he wants. They’re always in total harmony all the time.” That just never happens virtually, which means that marriage is a test case for sanctification and for self-denial. And it works both ways.
This transcript comes from: John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: DesiringGod.org
Lastly:
We’re ending this article by linking to another one. It is written by Sheila Wray Gregoire, and in it, you will find a lot of additional information that could help you with this problem.
Please! Whatever you do, work on this problem if it is one you and your spouse are contending with. Don’t just close your eyes. Keep searching for help and do what you can. Make this your mission. And don’t allow this issue to separate you —physically, or emotionally. You CAN work through this. Keep seeking, and knocking on every door you can. It’s biblical, and it’s important!
In conclusion, please read:
• A WORD TO SPOUSES WITH LOWER LIBIDO
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I too am a wife of a man who has almost no sex drive. We have been married for 7 years, was separated for 2 months in 2004 and then separated again since November of 2007. Although this is not the main issue at hand, it certainly has been an issue in the past, but due to other underlying issues, this took the back burner. I have in the past (the beginning) tried to talk about this issue, only for it to backfire. I simply have compromised so much that I am lucky if my husband and I were to make love once every two months. Obviously I felt and still do, feel rejected, undesired or unwanted. He seems to not be bothered either way.
When we do have sex, it is short and always exactly the same position. No talking, etc…I am not willing to open myself up to someone who has for years, belittled me, criticized me and attacked me in many ways. I am working very hard trying to increase my faith and working on my marriage, but we are 8 months later, still separated, and I am not too sure God wants us together.
Where has the passion gone to and romance? I want to have sex as long as I can with my hubby; he’s holding me back. Yes, my heart hurts; also I can use my vibrator but it’s not the same. He wants it when he wants it. Where has the passion gone to and romance?
(USA) You guys don’t seem to understand what it is like to having a guy HOUND you for sex every single day, multiple times a day. My husband is not a Christian. He is into porn. I know he looks at it, I know he masturbates to it. I have had to clean up the mess only to be told I wasn’t cleaning up what I knew I was cleaning up. He works at a large nightclub in a large city and comes home at 4am talking about large body parts on women he saw. How hot this one is, and that one is.
I am supposed to be okay with this because I am prettier than anyone else. He may only work at the club a couple times a month so to focus on that would be unfair. But since I have known him, it took me 6 years to break him of the habit of grabbing my crotch and breasts in public. He thinks it is normal, I think he is trying to degrade me. He wants to french kiss in public and gets mad when I won’t. I don’t want my intimacy displayed to the world, he thinks I am a prude. I have to have sex with him every day, whether I want to or not. I have been faking it for years. We have a ton of problems in the marriage but if I had to pick one thing that has caused most of my resentment – it is the way he has treated me like an object and then tells me I am crazy for feeling that way.
This morning, after we had begun, he started to get nasty with me (rude) because I wasn’t into it. For the first time in 9 years I just said "that’s it. no more" and got up. He was very angry and I don’t care. I am not going to be talked to like that right in the middle of it! I really don’t want to be with him anymore. I love and care about him as a person but I just think he doesn’t see me as a human being at all.
Now, I don’t even want him to touch me. He keeps trying to connect with sex and I don’t want him to touch me. He is also very selfish, never does what I ask for. I haven’t gotten what I want sexually in years. And he throws my stupid past in my face when he wants to save his. I say #1 – you knew about this so why did you marry me? #2 – God forgave me for this so I am NOT answering to you about it. And I walk away.
So here is my point and you don’t even have to post this message.
You can’t just assume this woman is not having sex with her husband enough. There is so much more to it than that whether you married a believer or not.
You may be uncomfortable having the discussion but that woman sounded
trapped and desperate in her life. Do you know what it is like to fight for privacy and peace every single day? And then feel guilty because society says we are supposed to "take care" of our man? I have enjoyed a lot from this website. This page is not one that I have enjoyed.
I am very grateful that although I still haven’t figured out God’s position on this – you guys are wrong. I know in my heart that you guys are wrong. You should probably apologize to that poor girl.
(UNITED STATES) This is to “Jan, 17 April 2009 at 12:39 pm.” Firstly I want to make it clear that I AM NOT MARRIED YET. Though I plan to propose to a very special woman in the next 5-6 Months (or less if it is in God’s will). Oh, and a bit more about me, I am 25. I am reading my Bible daily and preparing for marriage, and allowing the Lord to make me a better man than I have ever been without him.
You cannot say that what the authors of this page write are simply wrong because you know it in your heart. Don’t trust me on this but read “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9 “KJV. Our hearts tell us lies all the time, things that we like and want to hear, but we have to stay in our word Act 17:11, “So that you may know the truth and when and when not to trust the heart. The Lord knows our heart and desires, but sometimes and a lot of times we are unsure.”
What this article plainly describes is the basis. However, it left things out that it cannot fix such as personal counseling for the two. This page explains LOVE, REAL LOVE, which I don’t read either person in this marriage showing it truly (and I’m not just talking about sex). Please read 1 Corinthians 13:4-13. Also Read Ephesians 4:22-32, 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (please read all of that but focus on 1-5), and also Ephesians 4:2-3…
Those things go both ways. So NO, and ABSOLUTELY NOT am I condoning what your husband is doing to you. IT IS WRONG. It seems as though you have married an unequally yoked person. However, please stay with that man and pray heavily for him. Remember that he is made holy because of you (1 Corinthians 7:13-14). It sounds to me that your husband is being very selfish and only concerned about his own needs. He has very lustful eyes for other women, which is all wrong. He should only desire you and put his mind on God and you daily. He should be compassionate to your needs and wants (sexual and other personal things) Colossians 3:19. I am sorry for you and I will say a prayer for you. I know this post is years from when you posted but I hope you are still together and have worked it out. I also hope this post will help any other person that is still reading it today.
I agree with the author 100% because of the Bible verses and that alone. Your body is not your own after marriage but your husbands and vice versa. However, I highly disagree with how he is treating you, but you have to stay faithful always and give thanks, for the situation is hard but making you stronger (Ephesians 5:20). I know your situation is hard and I feel for you (Romans 12:9-21). Your husband also should not be touching you that way in public (Proverbs 15-23). He should save that kind of intimacy for private times in the marriage bedroom or at least your home. Those kinds of things are things that cause others to stumble (Romans 14:13-23). Kissing is something that “I” see as harmless in public (1 Corinthians 10:23-33), however since you have stated to him that you don’t like it, he should respect you (read again romans 14) and wait till you get home.
As for the person who wrote to Michelle, I want to point out something that she said: We’ve been married almost 20 years and have both built up a lot of resentment towards each other —he, because of the sex, and me, for a whole lot of other marital problems.
Firstly, I want to say that him responding to his WIFE about something HE wants in the manor of: “What’s wrong with you?” is NOT in any way compassionate and gentle to her needs. That is selfish and may have hurt her feelings which is wrong. Again, (Colossians 3:19) “Husbands, love your wives, and do NOT be HARSH with them”. What he said to her is HARSH and cannot be put any other way. It makes her feel like its her fault and she is abnormal. Men need to realize that every woman is not the same, and the same goes for women. Just because we have heard about men having high sex drives and women low, doesn’t mean it is accurate notation for who you are with. Also the Bible says her body is not her own but her husbands, also that you become ONE flesh. SO, MEN, to me if your wife doesn’t want to, you should stop and evaluate if YOU have done something wrong. She is you, and if she doesn’t and you do, question yourself FIRST and then her. Same goes for women.
Now back to what I pointed out, the woman said: “he, because of the sex, and me, for a whole lot of other marital problems.” It sounds to me that HE IS WRONG TOO. Now like they wrote above “she should give and he should relent, that’s the way it should be.” BUT… the husband needs to realize that if his wife has other needs and problems that are bothering her are not being well kept he needs to take care of her in ALL WAYS, NOT JUST SEXUAL (1 Timothy 3:1-7). He needs to be a good overseer. If your wife says there are a lot of other problems and you only focus on your wants, YOUR NEEDS (ie sex), and are the only ones to be dealt with, then you sir are being SELFISH, and not loving your wife unconditionally. Like the authur later said: “Don’t think of your wife as an instrument to be used for sexual satisfaction. Think of her as a whole person who has her own deep longings and desires. And you want to live in such a way as to draw her in.”
Your wives are supposed to submit to you and be good helpers. Yes, I know as a man there are TONS of sexual temptations that we see when we step out into the world. So when you get back and all through the day you should desire your wife (Proverbs 5:19), “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight”. However, make sure she’s satisfied well beyond sexual needs “He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it” (Ephesians 5:28-30). It also says in that chapter that you HUSBANDS should wash their wives in the word. So read the Bible to her and with her, spend time with her (outside the marriage bed), talk to her about her day, hold her non-sexually, and love her as JESUS did the church… UNCONDITIONALLY. As a last note, caps mean that I wanted those specific words to stand out.
One last thing. The only reason two married people should abstain from sex is to read the word of the Lord, however even then the Bible says do it for an agreed time. I understand if it is for a medical reason, or even if one is tired some TIMES. However, being deprived for a month is quite long, but that is something that needs to be discussed among the two, seeing as the time would be different from every couple. 1 Corinthians 7:5
You should only deprive each other from one another for a LIMITED TIME. You don’t want the devil trying to use that time away from one another to present them with adultery with another person (physically or through pornography), depression, anger, sadness… etc. May God bless you all! -Kuran
(USA) I have tried all of this advice – and it did not work for me. I have been married for 22 years. My husband and I are both believers. We have had the same issue for the last 15 years or so. He demands sex whenever he wants it. I have been forced to perform a sex act while driving in the car on the highway, in the laundry room while dinner guests are a room away, have been made late to many an ocassion because he demands it. He uses scripture to justify this (the same scriptures you cited). He needs his physical release to deal with the world (he says). This is my responsibility has his wife to fulfill this need for him, and as a Christian wife I cannot deny him. He also does not want to wonder if I will be in the mood or not – so we have to have sex on his schedule: every 48 hours, between the hours of 6:30 and 10 pm.
I have been in scripture and prayer, and decided to just “give” and go along with this – even with a good attitude. But after months (and years) I just feel used and like trash. He is NOT more attentive to my needs in any way, shape or form. He just thinks I enjoy his “routine” and feels like he can then demand more. If I am not in the mood, I just give him a hand job -he actually prefers this, because he doesn’t have to bother with me. He asks for this. He has made me feel that something is wrong with me -but I have read 5 Christian-based sex books and have found that it is not me!
So, your “promise” that being more receptive to your man in your suggested ways will solve this issue is certainly NOT TRUE.
(UK) This is terrible, more or less saying that this poor woman has to change her attitude. I am with someone like her and am sick and tired of hearing how selfish I am (according to him), how I am a ‘prude’ how there is something WRONG with ME, how I need to get my act together.
I masturbate him because I don’t want to have sex with him. He knows I don’t want to and knows I don’t want to masturbate him yet he still will lie there while I do it. I’m absolutely at my wits end and feel so lonely. I googled to see if there was anything out there that could help me. This article just makes me feel worse.
You say you’re not selfish yet you go on to prove how selfish you are. It’s all about you, you, you and your pathetic reasoning. Why on earth did you get married to a guy you don’t want to have sex with?
(USA) I totally agree and understand what Pam wrote in saying. I too have tried to be submissive and give whenever he wants it. My husband did not become more attentive to my needs at all. He would still be hateful, moody and selfish. Reading this article made me feel sick because it doesn’t work with all men and is wrong to suggest as a “cure-all”. My husband expects it every other day at least and if it doesn’t happen, then he becomes unbearable to be around. He withdraws from me and the children and is hateful when spoken to. He can completely ignore all of us. His behavior disgusts me and being in the same room with him is difficult. The thought of having sex with him makes me feel nauseated. I have actually cried during sex because of his behavior. I feel used, like I have to feelings. Please reconsider this advice. We’ve been married 14 years, if he doesn’t agree to counseling, our marriage won’t last much longer.
Have you talked with him about the issues not related to sex that causes him to be moody and hateful? Maybe you’re disrespectful and bossy.
(USA) hey I am a 22 year old male with an extremely high sex drive and my girl is 21 and has an average sex drive. I could easily have sex 2-3 times a day she would be good with 1-2 times a week. I love her very much and I do not want my sexual desire to ruin our relationship. so what I am asking is I see you put up five things for a female with low sex drive to do to help a male with high sex drive, but where is the five things a male with high sex drive to help out a female with low sex drive?
Hi Devin, Our aim isn’t to “even things out” as far as posting the same amount of articles for men as well as for women who are struggling over certain issues. We aim to post all that we can which concerns situations which effect marriages. If we found more articles (that we would be allowed to post) to address wives on this issue, we certainly would post them. We’re continually looking. Thanks for asking.
(USA) Well then, let me rephrase my question what are some things that I could do that would help the above steps?
Hi Devin, I re-worked the article so that it now includes links to additional web site articles that anyone can click onto so they can read for additional advice. I need to tell you that Steve and I are not marriage counselors, we’re marriage educators, so we aren’t qualified to give you much advice concerning this area of marriage. That’s one of the reasons why we post articles that other “experts” have written. We can help with some things, but mostly, we try to find “the best of” advice and resources we can recommend and hope it will be a good starting place to direct those that need help, to get it.
Also, please know that we post articles on sexual issues, as it pertains to marriage — particularly Christian marriage. That’s the “mission” we feel that God has given us in which we are able to participate with Him. I realize that this is not where you are coming from, but that is where we are. So that is the help we try to give.
When a couple is married, we believe they enter into a covenant that essentially says, “From this day forward, we will work alongside each other to overcome any obstacle that comes our way, with God’s direction and help.” “We will partner together in love and fellowship and perseverance to help each other be all God created them to be.” The Bible says that “what God has put together, let no man tear apart.” So, whether it is by someone else’s hand or ours, with all that is within our power, we are not supposed to allow that to happen. Tragically, there are some circumstances where one partner is not able to hold the marriage together because the other has broken covenant and has torn it apart.
But to the degree that BOTH partners are willing (& they should both be willing if they enter into a covenant agreement), they are to work on whatever problems they encounter, to help their marriage and their partnership be the best it can be. Sexual issues are not insurmountable if both are willing to work on their issues with God’s help. We’ve seen that which seems impossible overcome by 2 willing hearts and perseverance that doesn’t give up. I wish you well Devin. I hope this clears up some things.
(USA) Thanks that helps.
(USA) Take what you want and leave the rest, that is how I take any advice. I love this site, thank you!
(UNITED STATES) As a Christian man and loving husband I applaud all wives who say NO. If your husband has not come to you in a Christ like manner with love in his heart and the desire to only please you then you should REFUSE to give him sex. Sex is the most beautiful gift from God that a couple share. It is the most intimate way to share love. Love is not sex. Love is caring, respect, faithfulness, selflessness, servitude, and wanting the best for the OTHER person. Man should want his wife to “submit” to his animal desires for himself.
If a woman does not feel loved, she will not want sex. If a woman feels truly loved and secure, she will desire to do want best for the OTHER person. I think a true Christian man would look to himself first if his wife refuses. Ask himself “what have I done to make my wife feel unloved?”. There have been many times I have had to ask humble forgiveness from my wife.
After 32 years of marriage, I still honor and love my wife. The Lord is the Light of Life and she is heaven on earth.
Ronald, While I agree with most of what you’ve written in the last few comments and I love the fact that you honor and love your wife, please understand that sometimes the reason many wives say no, is simply because they aren’t interested. They have no interest in having sex or making love, so they say no, whether the husband wants and yearns for that connection or not. And sometimes they receive GREAT love from their husbands in many different ways, but still, they aren’t interested and so they either “give in” once in a while –which hurts the husband also, because he wants to make love to his wife more than once or twice a year, or they shut down in that area of their marriage for years and years. This is horribly difficult for the husband.
And some women have been sexually hurt by someone in their past and they shut down from their husband sexually, no matter how much he tries to be sensitive and helpful, and begs her to go to a counselor, and such. The wife decides the work would be too painful and they won’t do anything to change that. This will go on for years and years and years and no change happens at all. The husband’s love-making needs to be close to his wife in that way is totally disregarded and dismissed. And even though I totally understand (having been there myself in the past), there comes a time when the wife needs to get help, if for no other reason than for her own peace of mind and also to stop allowing the “crimes of the past” to keep victimizing her and now her husband. The husband didn’t do the assaulting, but he is also a victim here. Some wives don’t often recognize this. (This is true of some husbands too.)
I’m not saying these are always the situations. Sometimes the husband is a narcissistic, clueless oaf in and beyond the bedroom. And sometimes the wife is one. I just want to give voice to those who ARE doing what you suggest and yet it doesn’t change things at all. It’s like what James Dobson said, “The one who wants it the least often has the most power in bed (sometimes it’s the other way around, but not as often, from what we’re finding). There’s a lot of selfishness, which sometimes goes on in the marital bed. It shouldn’t be, but it’s happening.
Please read through the following articles plus the comments below them, “How Much Sex Is Normal” and also “To Wives: Why Is Sex So Important.” There you will see that some men ARE doing what you suggest (and more) but it doesn’t matter. And there are many women who are going more than the extra mile, but it doesn’t matter. Selfishness is prevalent, where sometimes it’s the husband and sometimes it’s the wife. I’m so glad you and your wife have worked it out, as my husband and I have, but many are going the extra mile for pure reasons and still it doesn’t matter to the other spouse. So sad.
(USA) I am a Christian guy that while dating tried to do everything right in God’s way. Then after my honeymoon, my new wife of 2 years of dating did not want anything to do with sex. I’ve stayed in a marriage now for 9 years while going 9 months at a time with nothing sexual, not even a kiss or a hug. I’ve been so hurt in not understanding. I have remained completely faithful to my marriage vows! She told me I was not normal and wanted me to get on estrogen, I went to the doctor and my teststrorone level was in the middle range, actually 500 points lower than to top of the normal range. I have given my wife everything from vacations, date nights, spa retreats, shopping, gifts, taking care of the house, taking care of vehicles, taking care of all the business, and I end up getting yelled at, told that she does not love, told she wants a divorce, told that she is not attracted to me…when several women during our marriage have flat out came on to me where each time I walked away in trying to keep from dishonoring God and not breaking my vows.
My wife wanted to get married to me so bad, even when I was the one getting cold feet she was a totally different woman in being my dream girl that I thought was my soul mate. Everything she ever asked for I found a way to make it happen from when she wanted to stay home and not work, I worked even while under going serious medical treatment from a Spinal Cord injury where I had to endure several surgeries, but when the doctors told me how serious my spinal injury was that a simple fall would snap my spinal cord paralyzing me, they wanted me in surgery that day and I postponed to first take care of my wife knowing I would not be able to anything through recovery. Then I was rushed to the hospital ER where they called in a Cardiologist at 2 a.m. keeping in ER for 24 hours thinking I was having a heart attack & I begged her to not leave me & she got up and left me & did not come back until the next day.
I always have to clean-up after her as she just leaves dishes out, when she does say ok to sex she times me and if I am not done in 10 minutes, then she just rolls overs and goes to sleep and unlike many guys I am a guy that can go along time which I now wish I had the opposite problem. I have tried everything that I know to do and everytime she makes a promise, she breaks it to where I have a huge let down and then told me she is no longer going to make promises since she can’t keep them. Then in trying to talk about our relationship she said she no longer agrees with our marriage vows and that she deserves to be happy. When we first came back from our honeymoon, I was sleeping on the sofa, going to IHOP or any 24 hour store feeling hurt when I could not sleep, yet before marriage she was the one who was pushing for sex and was extremely affectionate when we were trying to do things right. Just after walking down the isle at our reception she chose to drink where she got sick and her friend told me that she did not drink 2 years dating you and in one day I got her to drink in a rude manner. I took care of her that night as she was sick all night and the entire next 3 days, I ended up losing $1200 on our plane tickets for our honeymoon trip and yet just like that everything is always my fault.
Then 5 years after marriage, I learn of things she had lied to me about before we got married of her sexual past that had clearly lied to me over all that time. Then 8 years into the marriage I learned of 2 other lies that I had questioned since we had been dating that she had really lied to me about for 9 years. I take care of her when she is sick every time, but when I am sick she does not want to be anywhere near me so she does not get sick where I have to fully take care of myself and then at 3 different jobs she would bad mouth me in lies to her girl friend co-workers when at the time I was dealing with a serious spinal cord injury and when I told her I was lonely and needed her, she said get some friends, I was to needy. The entire time I was working supporting us through an injury with all the marriage issues; not once did I discuss my marriage with anyone, why she was out painting me as the worst husband ever to her co-workers that she was taking advice from…women who were all divorced. But for the last 3 years I have had to fix my own dinner, totally take care of myself, we spend no time together, when I try to hug her she pushes me off, she won’t hold my hand, we have not kissed in 2 years even when I tried after taking her to a nice dinner and opening her car door she pulled away.
I have tried to communicate to her in every way I know possible, I tried counseling…it took 2 years of begging her to go that ended up causing us to even get worse. She has told me that if she knew I had such a high sex drive that she would not have married me and that I should have disclosed that to her. Then she told me she hated me and I was the worst thing that ever happened to her. She calls me the woman in the relationship because I am the communicator and affectionate one, and she can go days without saying a word and will go to bed mad and if I try to talk things out, she will go to the other room to sleep. She says I am not meeting her needs and I asked her to help me and tell me what her needs are and she said she did not even know, which left me at a complete blank. But if she wants something that requires money to be spent she will be nice to get what she wants and then is back to her same self.
I have prayed and tried for so many years and in reading the blog, it is like many of the women paint all guys as just abusive sex hounds. I don’t even want sex, I want affection and to be able to spend time with my wife and love each other. I see that for me being a guy with a sex drive that has been denied up to 9 months and normal is maybe something once every 3 months where her needs are fulfilled that I always want to pleasure her first and then for me, I am just left on my own and their are so many rules to things she will not do sexually it could fill a library and I have remained completely faithful. For a guy it has been extremely hard and I now have a hard time trusting women and my view of marriage has completely changed to where I don’t want to do it again as I honestly feel used and tricked into this marriage. If anyone knew all I have done for her, they would probably trade places with her in a heartbeat…she would come home to candlelight dinners, rose pedal baths with her favorite chocolates, massages, pampering at the spa, and much more, but all I am ever told is how bad I am when I bought her dream home, the vehicles she wants, and anything she asks for I always do my best to take care of her.
(US) I have been married 24 years. There were times after my kids were born that I was too tired. I told my husband that if he would help with some things, I would be less tired. Then on one occasion I initiated and was rejected terribly. I found it difficult to initiate after that. Some time passed again. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but he said I needed to initiate.
I still remembered the rejection. I have in the past year tried to get the confidence. Now he says he is too tired in the morning after he was able to sleep till he woke on his own. It seems that I have to initiate on his timetable (when he is ready; no regard to when I am ready). How am I to know when that is unless I repeatedly initiate and repeatedly get rejected until I get lucky; if I get that far without frustration and depression. I have lost a lot of weight since January; but that doesn’t seem to have any affect on him. I believe the weight I had gained was the result of that first rejection.
I often wonder concerning wives with low sex drives (happy with once a week or not at all, all month long), are they on hormonal birth control? Because, I was very much like that while on hormonal birth control. Had to go off it for health reasons, 4 months later (once it had worn off) surprisingly I found I have a very high sex drive (although cyclical). Now, I have the opposite problem (me sometimes way higher than hubby).
I’m just saying if wives have very low sex drives, they may want to look into that – if both spouses are wanting to change it. It could potentially save marriages that are on the edge (ours wasn’t, thankfully, but it has brought us infinitely closer together, to understanding each other and filling those drives/desires where possible).
I wish everybody reading this God’s best in their marriages.
We just got married in April; have been together for a year and yes I feel like I’ve been put on the back burner. He has no time to be intimate with me. He does like to cuddle and he kisses me, but lacking the sex I keep feeling something isn’t right. I question if there’s someone else he wants.
Another problem is that my husband has knee problems and it has taken a toll on our sex lives; he’s so focused on the one pain. I try to encourage him but he makes me feel like I can’t comfort him. He says his pain throbs.
John Piper is not the person to ask for advice about sex. I’ve read a couple of his articles on the Desiring God blog, and just as it is in this article, his advice is vague and unhelpful.
The original letter to Michelle at the beginning of the article and the subsequent discussion and advice don’t match. Why would a woman with a perfectly healthy sex drive as she has be given advice which is obviously meant for someone who is refusing sex. The husband in this case is in the wrong here for his attitude towards her. This post has frustrated me no end. It’s not her that needs ‘fixing’.