Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(UNITED STATES) I want to agree that with God, you can build strength. I am in a recovering relationship as well. We have been on an emotional roller coaster and I was to the point that I thought I was going to have a meltdown, but it was my faith that pulled me through. Whatever your beliefs, look to a higher power for reassurance. Sometimes other people do not understand our feelings. I am more emotional, where my spouse is more logical. It seems that I should know that I am loved because we have been in our relationship for many years and I shouldn’t have to either question love or have it confirmed daily for that matter. I have found that a balance must be created. Yes, after all these years I miss the attention, but I also have to consider that there is life outside of the relationship. My spouse is also dealing with family issues. Please consider that maybe his unemotional stance may stem from his work situation. He may be unable to connect because his self-esteem may be lowered. In addition, it may be causing him great stress. All of this can cause a person to become distant. I doubt it has anything to do with you. I’m sure he loves you and still wants your relationship to work. But in his mind, as in my spouse’s, everything is fine. But in our minds (yours and mine), we want to keep working on it, but it wont change overnite. Also keep in mind that you KNOW he loves you and his way of expressing it may be different from yours or what you are used to. Lastly, keep God and prayer in your life at some level. It provides much comfort to know that you have a resource to confirm your feelings. Good Luck in finding your peace.
(USA) I have found myself in this situation for quite some time now. After 36 years of marriage I found myself one day so fed up I wanted to leave. I am encouraged by the love of Christ found in 1 John and the next day, I thought differently. I am working on growing closer to the Lord. Believe me, I have tried everything else. This I believe is my only hope! Thank you for this message and these comments. I will get the book today!
(USA) Brenda and all…I felt compelled to write after viewing your comments. I too have been married 32 years and for the past two years, my husband has suddenly lost all desire for physical contact. At first, sex was only a couple times per month and gradually weaned down to once every 6 months. He hasn’t touched me for the past 6 months and I cannot figure out why. I am fit, clean, pretty, educated, and very young looking for 50. I love the Lord and He is the only reason that I have not had an affair. There are many men in my workplace that would love to have a relationship with me, but I know that it would be sinful and I love Jesus too much to betray him. Notice that I am not concerned about my husband’s feelings…he has neglected me way too long. When I walk by him, he moves out of the way like I am a leper with a contagious disease. Is there another woman? I have asked him point blank and he says "no". When I ask him why he doesn’t want sex or to touch me he says that there is no opportunity with the kids around and "who says that you have to have sex all of the time?" By the way, all of our children are grown and either married or at college except for a teenage daughter. This never stopped him before. I feel like a part of me has died and I feel cheated.
Is it right that I have to accept that I will never feel love from a man again. Is it enough to just love Jesus and have him be my "husband" as his word promises to the widows? I feel like a widow. All my husband does every single night is sit in the den and watch TV all evening. I don’t even see him after dinner. He now sleeps in a separate bedroom or on the sofa. He says that he sleeps better alone. I am so torn, hurt, and confused. I also feel that he is not being honest with me and I feel like a fool. He will not go for counseling as he feels that nothing is wrong with our relationship. I feel that just because I am a Christian and love Jesus, I will have to live a life of loneliness and isolation. Once my last child is out of the house, I feel like I am going to be very tempted to leave him and feel guilty the rest of my life. I can only take so much neglect. I pray the the Lord will guide me and the rest of you who have shared your experiences on this site.
(USA) I feel this exact same way…I will try to stay. I have pretty much just murdered my own sex drive. Nuns do it, I guess I can. I feel like I am married to my brother… but a mean brother who tries to turn my kids against me and make me the bad cop… but still ridicules me of I don’t make him breakfast in the morning. :( I’m just sad. Not even angry anymore.
(USA) Hi Laurie, I’m sorry to hear of your situation. So many of your thoughts REALLY resonated with feelings I’ve had during my married years. Is it enough to just have God? Is that how I’m supposed to make up for the void in my physical marriage? Am I only to have a "spiritual" husband because of my physical husband’s inabilities.
I generally leave comments on this site when I KNOW, undoubtedly, that God’s Spirit in me has something to say and share with another. Right now I’m dealing with my own trials and have found myself very quiet in terms of ministering to others but it is a good kind of quiet. The kind of quiet where I know God is at work in my house and giving me a much needed rest (a rest it took me days to even rest enough to know I needed one, if that makes sense). So… I can’t write as much as I’d like to your comments but I’m feeling compelled right now to write this much to you.
Yes, you are right in feeling something is wrong. Something is definitely up. I’m not saying there’s an affair on your husband’s part, but something is off.
Also, I know God has a plan in this. He will work some miracles and have His glory shown. Chances are, it will take some time, maybe several months even. But you stay faithful to God (and to your husband) and work with patience to let God’s glory be shown and His perfect solution to be made known.
However, you still have to get from point A to B right? In dealing with sexual frustration, you are going to need God’s strength to get you through that. You can ask Him to lessen your hormones since you know sex isn’t occurring enough right now. That doesn’t mean He takes them away forever – it only means He takes them away while the problem is being worked on.
If you’ve talked to your husband many times to no avail, that’s when you give it to God. If you have a prayer group, ask them to pray as well. Sometimes, too, God puts others in your life to help you through their own past experiences. I can tell you, for sure, I thought I’d live the rest of my life without the kind of affirmation from my husband I needed. Our problems were not sexual but emotional in nature. I’m not kidding when I say I’d given up on him being who I needed him to be.
But, recently, I finally see light at the end of the tunnel. But it took a VERY long time. What you do in the meantime is fall back on some good biblical principles to get you from day to day. Here are the ones I like to think of (as often as you need to get you through).
Remember God hears your prayers and will answer if you ask, in faith that He hears you and can give you what you desire. Believe that He loves you and your husband. He wants the best for you; it just doesn’t always come in the way we think of, want, expect or in our time frame. Take this time to really draw close to God. While your husband is watching TV, read the bible. OR -try this, go sit next to him and read the Bible as he watches TV.
Lastly and, perhaps, most importantly, cast all your burdens on the Lord, including the emotional wounds you are taking right now. Each day you will need to do this to maintain a healthy attitude and proper perspective. And anytime you feel overwhelmed, find a place to pray and do it until you feel your heart being cleaned out. Make it a habit.
Well, I’ve written more than I thought I would. These are things that have helped me in my marriage struggles and I hope they bring you some comfort and ways of facing the challenges ahead. You are in for a ride. It’s a ride to a solution of monumentally divine proportions, but one that is worth it in the end. With love, LT
(PHILIPPINES) LT, I stumbled upon this website hoping to get an answer for my marriage concerns. I am glad that I read this article, somehow it eased up some of my frustrations. I couldn’t help but feel the need to ask you for advice regarding my situation. My husband and I separated for 2 whole months. I found out that he was having an affair with a coworker and it had been going on for months. I found text msgs on his cellphone and an ugly fight had ensued. That night, he left home.
After a week, he initiated texting me again, even if it was only about money for the children’s tuition and our other expenses. We communicated this way through texts. One time he asked me out on a date to watch a movie, and then he started spending one night at home. Just last week he moved in with us for good.
I know he has cut off his ties with that woman. He said so and I believe him. I suppose he will not have the nerve to move back in with us if he knew we’d just be fighting over the same issue IF the affair is still going on. Am I right in this? What’s bothering me is that, ever since he moved in, he has been distant. I feel unloved. I guess that’s me… the emotionally eager wife. And him the evasive husband. I am at a loss right now because in my mind, I feel that he should be making an effort to “comfort” me, to show how sorry he really is for what he did, etc. But I guess I expected too much from my husband.
I realized his coming home is enough effort to show that he’s sorry and he wants to make things right. As of the moment, I’m crying almost everyday because I want to feel loved right now more than ever after all the betrayal, hurt and pain I have gone through. But he just couldn’t seem to understand that. The more I make him see my point of view, the more he seems to shut me out and avoid me. He doesn’t want to talk about what caused him to seek an affair. He just ignores or totally avoids that topic.
I am a Christian, and I know that God is teaching me a lot of things right now. I just really need someone to tell me and assure me that despite my husband’s refusal to talk about our present marriage concerns, he still loves me very much. Because I really, really need to know right now or else I just simply would like to withdraw from him already. LT, I hope you can help me. Thanks.
(USA) how can you ask a prayer group too pray for such a thing?! The worst part of having this problem is that it is so shameful to not be loved and/or made love to, you can’t share it with anyone but a most trusted counselor or friend…our an anonymous forum…
(USA) Dear LT- God bless you my sister in Christ. I feel so close to you right now and I thank God that He spoke to your heart to minister to me. I am sure that many other lonely women who are reading this discussion board are also blessed by your comments and sage advice. It is good and reassuring to know that we are not alone and that the Lord does have us in the palm of his hand. He is directing our steps and giving us hope through each other. I am very committed to Christ and know that my love for Him will keep me from infidelity, but it is still hard.
I keep myself busy with my work, children, and continuing my education…I am in a Ph.D program right now. I think I am an overachiever to keep myself from feeling the pain of this big void in my life created by my emotionally impaired spouse. I long to have someone hold me and feel the touch of a human hand. I would love to just be kissed tenderly and lovingly by a man (it has been many, many years since I have been kissed). I don’t even care about sex. It makes me feel so bad to see others kissing and holding hands. I even feel some envy over watching my daughter and her boyfriend. Isn’t that sick and sad? I am so happy for her, but very sad for me. I feel like crying and screaming at the same time. All I know, however, is the promise that God loves me and that he understands and feels my pain. For now, I will draw close to the Lord, be patient, and pray that these feelings go away. If I keep busy, I don’t think about it. The evenings are hard. Sleep comes slowly and sometimes a sleeping pill helps me to forget and drift off to sleep. Please pray for me and I will pray for you also. God bless you. Love in Jesus – Laurie
Dear Laurie, I want you to know that you have touched many women’s hearts, I’m sure — mine being one of them. I generally try to refrain from commenting too much because we feel this is a forum for others to minister to each other as God compels them. But I want you to know that you are being prayed for, and that I know within my heart that God’s heart is touched by your faithfulness despite your hurts. I’m sure His heart cries with yours.
I agree with LT that something is up with your husband. A few different thoughts come to mind — so I’ll just touch on them in the hope that you will pray about it and see what God says to your heart. I’m not a counselor, I’m a Marriage Educator, so you need to pray about what I’m writing to see what God says about all of this.
I wonder if your husband is a Christian. And if he says he is, what’s up with that? Because a person who is tapped into the source of LOVE itself — which is God, whose very name means LOVE, could not watch his bride ache for that love to be expressed to her. Ephesians 5 (among many scriptures) talks about husbands representing Christ to their wives and sacrificing themselves as Christ has for the church — His bride. So, if your husband isn’t a Christian — that would explain some things. He needs continual prayer, not only for his soul, but for his heart because he’s missing out on SO much without embracing and knowing the love of Christ personally. He only knows a fraction of what it is to live, and that fraction is darkened without knowing the source of Light Himself. There’s a transformation that begins to take place as a man (and woman) takes hold of all “Christ saved them for and wants them to be”, as the Bible tells us. If he claims to be a Christian, then again, he needs prayer because he’s only tapping into a very small part of all Christ has for him. He is missing out on so much! And tragically so are you as he keeps his distance from really knowing Christ and embracing you as his partner in life. He needs prayer either way. How I pray he grabs onto Christ! He and you, and the world around you will be all the richer if that happens.
Another thought comes to mind that he may be an “engineer” type. In other words, he operates in life in a very ordered functional way and doesn’t grab onto emotionality very well. He works through boxing everything in his life separately and doesn’t see any logical reason for “complicating” things by being too emotional. He feels things work just fine for him the way it is and doesn’t feel compelled to change them. I just posted an article titled “Why Doesn’t My Spouse Change: Functional Fixedness” that might explain part of why he won’t change from this pattern (if this is a reason why he’s acting like he is). Some men live out their lives in this logical way (for many different reasons). But they are losing out on so much! God is an engineer type as you see the orderly way He likes things (in the creation story, as well as the plans for the Arc he had Noah build, and also the building of the temple, etc). But expressing and experiencing emotions is also a part of who God is, which we can see throughout the Bible in the love He conveys and demonstrates.
If your husband is an engineer type and isn’t opening himself up for more, he’s blocking off a wonderful part of who he could become. It would be a learning process and it wouldn’t come completely naturally but it’s possible, and he’d be all the richer (and so would you and others) if he would start to crack through the walls he’s built up separating himself from this aspect of life. Again, he would need prayer and others around him that would try to help him see what he is missing. You may be that helpmate… but he’s got to be a willing participant. The book “Sacred Influence” is a good one that addresses this along with the book “For Women Only” to name just a few. He needs to be rescued from this sterile world or he will only grab onto a fraction of what he could experience. You may or may not be one who can help him with this. But again, he needs prayer if this is the case.
Another possibility could be pornography. If he is spiraling down within that world, he’s feeding himself artificially and is addicted to the airbrushed fantasy of a false way of existence. It’s a very alluring and tempting way of living that causes people to swallow the lie that the enemy of our faith tells us that “this doesn’t hurt anyone” and that this is “normal” for a man to want this. This type of “living” becomes more addictive with time and eventually the person caught up in it views women as objects — he trades the real for fantasy. It’s like any addiction — you have to be disgusted enough with it and see that it’s not working for you to get desperate enough to seek help. We have many articles and recommended resources on our web site that could help with that if he has that problem and wants to start the journey out of that entrapping world.
Another possibility could be that your husband has been damaged in his life where he doesn’t trust women and thinks he could never “please” them. Women cause him to feel inadequate as a man and so he closes himself off from emotionally connecting. We have several articles in the “Emotionally Distant Spouse” section along with others that can help explain that concept somewhat. And then we give recommendations for resources that will help with that as well. This isn’t putting the blame upon you — that you’re the reason for this. But it’s a combination of a lot of different experiences that all add up where some men close down their minds to thinking they could do anything that could satisfy a woman (because of past experiences) so they stop trying and build their emotional world their way — a way that makes sense to them. Even THINKING about trying, ties them up in knots emotionally. It’s short-sighted and narrow life they attempt to live out, but it’s what many people do as a protective mechanism. This may or may not be an explanation for your husband’s actions, but I ask you to pray about it and explore the idea and see what God reveals to you — and ask God for wisdom if you can help to change that in some way. Again, your husband would have to participate with this. But today could be the beginning of a new era in his life if somehow God and you are able to break through the wall enough for him to start opening up.
Other possibilities are that your husband could have a personality disorder (caused by any number of things). There’s something called Borderline Personality Disorder that could be a possibility or other disorders, like Bi-Polar Disorder. Some people can have these conditions and be very functional in some areas of life. I hesitate to give this as a reason because once people grab onto a label as a reason for something, they think THAT’S the way things will always be with that person and they build their lives around the thought that things will then never change. But that’s not always true. I’ve seen some people work out of those disorders. It takes a lot of work and they need a lot of help and educating, etc… but there are some that break out of that kind of boxed in life. It doesn’t always happen but it CAN happen — especially when God is called upon in this. All things ARE possible with God!
Laurie, there are other reasons why your husband may be this way. It could be something I pointed out or a combination of several of them or none of them and it’s something else entirely different. But I encourage you not to give up hope. You need to do the best you can with the wisdom and giftedness God gives to you. Your husband may or may not ever change. But wouldn’t it be tragic if he stayed like this and something could have been done to crack open the wall he has built between you? For 50 years he could be this way but at age 50 years and one day, he could have an “ah-ha” moment and change. Keep praying and believing that God can work in and through you and in and through your husband to open up areas of living that you never thought possible.
God loves you Laurie. He cares about you and has a wonderful plan for your life. I know that in the bottom of my heart. Keep hanging on and believing and praying and looking for the Light He can shine upon your path. Please know that there are many of us who care and are praying for you… Cindy
(USA) To add to Cindy’s comments to Laurie. Something that entered my mind AFTER I made my last comment was ED. That’s also a possibility. Esp. when I read the age bracket you all are in (I assume your husband is around the same age). It generally only starts declining then, but perhaps he’s had a full decline?
Additionally, having a friend who used to be BPD until Christ healed her of that – I’m pretty certain Borderline Personality Disorders can ONLY be present if there is self-harm involved (pulling out one’s hair, cutting one’s self, etc.) If that is not present then it probably isn’t the case, but I’m NOT a doctor or psychologist. Also – my understanding is that ALL mental illnesses are weaknesses of the flesh, prayed up on by demons. If one finds Christ and healing through that, the mental illnesses take care of themselves because the demons leave.
One last thought, if your husband is a Christian, he IS violating scripture by not having sex when you ask him. The bible says that husbands and wives are not to deprive each other unless it’s temporary and by mutual consent. Paul explains that if that rule is broken, Satan prays and tempts, just as is already happening to you, Laurie, by having occasional thoughts and lusts for other men. (I’ve been there myself and know what that is like and how strong the pull is).
With love and prayers, LT
(USA) Just new to this site, and it’s overwhelming. It’s good, and it’s bad. Good to see others share in same issues in marriage as I, with emotionally void husbands. Bad because it is painful and hard and to see that there are many who do suffer emotionally from it. I wish marriage was easier. I wish we could just pray and viola’ – husbands would talk, love us like we need, and visa versa, that we could also meet their needs, easy as 1,2,3! There is no one answer except Jesus, keeping our eyes fixed on Him, continually. It’s great to see this type of site, full of Christian women who long to do God’s will amongst the pain and hard work, and ya’ll are out there to glean from. Just a thanks to all of you whom I have just read in a small amount of time who shared their hearts. I’m feeling better already. :-)
(USA) I am new to this website. I feel so bad for all of you that are having such a hard time in your marriages. I am a newly wed. My husband can be the same way. I am Christian and he doesn’t know if there is a God or not. Needs proof. He says I am controlling, calls me "perfect", etc. He watches TV all night. Doesn’t want to face problems and doesn’t talk to me hardly at all when it comes to problems or relationships. I pray. I read the Bible and am trying to figure out why we have so many problems. He is used to doing drugs (had him quit), in and out of relationships (helped him settle down), bipolar (helped him get a diagnoses and treatment)…. you would think these are positive changes.
We have 3 kids and one on the way in July. I thought introducing God into our lives would be encouraging and positive. It has been a disaster.
I know he would change if he had proof. I can’t prove God. God isn’t going to just show up. I told him it involves faith. When you prove your faith to God, he returns the favor.
I feel for all of you. Keep praying. I am even when I don’t feel like it. All we have is hope.
(USA) Ohiogal, do not give up on your husband or your marriage. Your children and your unborn baby need you to be strong and to keep your family intact. Hold your husband up to the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to make Jesus real to him. It is not your job to "prove" there is a God. The Holy Spirit will do that for your husband. Sometimes when we are "strong women" and "fix" our men, saving them from themselves and their destructive habits, they can grow to resent us despite the fact that we have made them better people. I don’t know what it is about this, but men feel immasculated when we take control, even when it is for their own good and for the good of our family. I do know that God will honor you and give you the strength you need to keep your family together if you continue to hold your family up to Him in prayer. I am sure that other Godly women reading this site can concur with what you are going through. I will pray for you. Stay true to Jesus!!
(USA) Pat, I believe that the Lord has directed us to this site to lift each other up in His power. I found this site quite by accident. For years I wanted to go for professional counseling because this is not a subject you discuss with your friends or family. It is too embarrassing. However, professional counseling is largely filled with secular counselors who would advise us to leave our loveless and emotionally impaired husbands while scratching their heads wondering what has taken us so long. They don’t understand our love and loyalty to Jesus is what precludes us from just moving on.
I believe that God fills in the other areas of my life with new joys to compensate for the big void in my marriage. I can’t help but believe that we will be rewarded for "hanging in there" for God’s sake. If we honor His commandments and our marriage vows, continue to pray, and hold our husbands up to God to "fix" whatever it is that is making them this way, one of two things will happen: One: they will miraculously change and become the men that God has intended them to be, which includes loving us as they would Jesus. Or Two: God will honor us for our faithfulness and bless us and make us happy in other ways in our life because of our devotion to doing what is morally right.
You mention that you have supportive children, well, thank God for that blessing! I wish I knew the answer to dealing with our emotionally impaired husbands; I don’t. Is divorce ever justified and right? I don’t know. I concur with your feelings of fear of dying without feeling the love you deserve from a devoted, Godly spouse. I fear retirement and living alone with my husband who is obsessed with the TV. I hate listening to that thing!! I wear my iPod so I don’t have to hear it in the background. Satan has ahold of these men who vegetate in front of the TV watching stupid, mindless, secular shows. I wish we didn’t even have a TV set. Why don’t our husbands see the hours that they waste in front of it a waste of time and as sinful? I don’t know the answer to this either. I only know that we have to keep praying because Satan is vying for our husbands’ attention through monopolizing their minds with the garbage on TV. The only answer I have definitely is that true happiness comes from Jesus and that may or may not include a "husband". I will pray for you. I have been praying for ALL OF YOU on this site and I appreciate your prayers in return. May God bless and keep you strong…myself included!!
(USA) Hi Pat, Laurie and Ohio gal, I wanted to share with you all, from my own experiences. And I also wanted to send you to one of the articles on this site, which is EXTREMELY helpful in the situations you are dealing with.
Firstly, to answer Laurie’s question on whether divorce is ever justified. I do not believe God likes divorce under any circumstance, but the apostle Paul did give 2 reasons under which it is forgivable. If you read I Corinthinans 7 it talks about marriage (and divorce). If you have the KJ version, I’d also recommend reading the NIV as well, as the language is a bit more easy to understand.
Regarding TV – I’ve read several comments here, and articles, and based on all of that (as well as having read a testimony on how a woman confronted her husband’s abuse) – TV is the man’s escape. It’s not that they don’t hear you and it’s not that they don’t know that things are not great in your opinion – it’s that they don’t know what to do. TV is how they escape the problem. It’s also avoiding, as well.
I read a testimony of a woman who had to take action toward her abusive husband, said that he’d verbally abused her all the time but the first time he hit her, he punched her to the floor and then sat down to watch TV as though nothing had happened. I, too, was an abused wife and have done more reading on that subject than I ever thought possible. What I have gleaned is that women would never do that (pretend as though nothing is wrong) but neither do men. They know something is wrong AND they know when they have done something wrong AND they hear your complaints, but if they have no answer, they leave it alone and watch TV.
The answer? I found the following article on this website very helpful: https://marriagemissions.com/why-doesnt-my-spouse-change-functional-fixedness/. Please read it. It’s not an answer to all your problems, but it points you in the direction of non-sinful, active change, even if your husband is unwilling to. My guess, however, is that your husband may not want to make change (or face problems at first) but if you do so, in a holy way fitting of a Godly woman, he may resist at first but can’t resist forever. God’s light usually wins out in the end. But it does take a while – love is long-suffering and perseveres.
Ohio gal – regarding your husband seeing you as "perfect." That is completely normal in non-believers. Especially when they are living with a believer. They can dismiss the "self-righteous" stranger because they don’t live with that person. But when it’s their spouse – they want to dismiss it and run from God and him calling you "perfect" is his way of doing that. Do not take it personally (as hard as that is not to). That’s Satan using your husband to get to you – don’t let that happen. Don’t let Satan win. See it as your armor of God is VERY visible to him. No, you cannot prove God except, possibly in this way – by God living in you. It’s hard to deny change. Non-believing spouses like to think that the change in their spouse is fake or self-righteous (as flimsy as that is of an excuse) but after a while, it wears on them. It’s not your job to convert your husband – you should not try. In fact scripture talks against that. But live your life in God as He has called you. Simply tell your husband you respect his right to not want to believe (and He does have that right) and ask him to respect your right to live a Christian life and pray for God to give you the balance between the two (because we humans have a hard time on where to draw the line and where to let it go). In showing respect for your husband’s beliefs, you show Godly respect to your husband, commanded by God to all wives in Ephesians 5. And in asking him, politely, to respect your beliefs as a Christian (without demand he live the same life), it shows your respect for God and that He lives in you. That’s taking up your cross, even when your spouse does not want to do that. The fact is, God has not chosen your husband at this time. Isn’t it true when God calls you, you know it. But God has called you.
Pat – I agree with Laurie that God fills up things in your life to fill the marriage void but I also know, because of my own personal circumstance, that there comes a point where the gnaw of not having a good marriage really wears you down. I would read the article above if I were you.
My own son is just a toddler. He is just now to the point where I see him as a companion, sometimes when my husband can’t be. Before, as an infant, I was trying to handle the physical and emotional demands of a baby and trying to deal with a marriage that still had a lot of verbal abuse (even though the physical had stopped), emotional emptiness and it was too much to do that AND raise an infant. Only by the power of God did I survive that. So I don’t know what it is like to have older children yet. I will say this though – I know what it’s like to be overly consumed with your problems. That’s ALWAYS dangerous. Satan prays on that. Be aware of them, pray for direction, but don’t let it take over your life. Then you can no longer be a warrior for God. However, it will strengthen you.
I agree with Laurie that there are 2 possibilities for our efforts at change – God will fill up the void in other ways OR our husbands will change. Firstly – your husband may change but it will be a process because in the process of him chaning, but not overnight, we are forced to deal with stressful situations and in doing so – that makes US change as well – for the better. We become much better and stronger Christians this way. It starts at home. Then God can use you in other areas outside the home. SEcondly, let me pose another possibility – that not only will your void fill up, but your husband will change, too. My belief is that those 2 avenues will eventually merge into a single avenue. But only after you AND your husband change. That’s possible. It will happen on God’s timeline not ours. He’s molding ALL of us right now like a silversmith molds silver. They say silver isn’t ready until the maker (God) can see his reflection in the silver (us).
At any rate – all of you ladies – God hears your pleas and the cries of your hearts and He LOVES you beyond measure!! He’s already started to fix the problems – it’s one little piece at a time. The process is already underway. We serve a mighty, awesome God and a God, that, I believe, will NOT let you die without getting love again.
My personal experience, after my husband and I were separated because of abuse – we spent an entire year – a WHOLE year, working on ourselves. During that time, we were not very close. It was really bad but in hindsight, it was for a reason. He was seeking God’s will and healing for him and where he should change, and so was I – and I changed and grew a LOT, because of that, as did my husband. It looked like our marriage was getting worse and that’s because it was – it was part of the process. In a lot of situations, things actually get worse in order to get better but the new "better" will be far beyond anything you had before, even when you were a newlywed.
Hang in there ladies – it’s worth the wait and it’s definitely worth the fight. God will give you the strength. One last thing -a suggestion that has worked for me is to see if your husband will give you an hour (or half hour) once a week where you can sit with him and have him talk to you about issues he has with you and you talk about issues that concern you. Present it as done in love, calmness (no stress or anger allowed) and two-way (he tells you what’s bothering him as well as you tell him what’s boethering you). Be prepared for him to share, as well, but it might help in bridging the communication gap. The key is to not get defensive, listen calmly and don’t take things personally. With lots of Christian love and prayers, LT
(USA) Aloha! I just completed reading all of your touching stories and encouraging responses. Unlike many of you, I married a man knowing he did not believe as I did, knowing in my heart God was not approving of the union and now suffering the consequences of my sin. My husband is everything the article has described for emotionally distant husbands. At least I am aware now of what not to do. I have confessed my sin to our heavenly Father, and I know He has forgiven me. It is tough to live without love and emotional fulfillment as you all have described.
This is the fourth man I have married, having been cheated on by the other 3. I kept hoping to find the right one. I should have been patient and listened and obeyed our Lord. I am blessed that God is so gracious that He has given me peace though this tragedy. My sadness is not understanding why, why are so many woman, experiencing the same trouble. Some for so many years.
I too believe that God is faithful, if only He could hold us and kiss our cheeks when the tears fall at night. Yet, we can take hope that things will not always be this way. One day, if not here, we will experience joy beyond comprehension, of this I am sure. God can be enough, He has to be, or we lose… we must remember that "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world." Hold on my Christian sisters, as many have stated, hold fast, be faithful and press in to Jesus! I love you all~ with warmest alohas~
(CANADA) Your article certainly hit home for me. Been married for 22 years, and have made love twice in the last 11 years. Shuts up like a clam, or changes the subject any time I try to explain our situation & how I feel.
He’s great with other people, and sometimes he’s great with me. However, I need more than he’s willing to offer, and I am not getting it. Now, I’m seriously contemplating getting my own apartment this Spring because he doesn’t want to sell the house. Have been advised not to leave my house, but this is no life for anyone, whether male or female.
(USA) It saddens me to realize that there are so many of us suffering in this way, but at the same time it is a comfort to know I am not alone. The article above could have been written about my marriage. The fourth paragraph of number 2 on sexual relating describes my entire married life’s sexual relationship. I have serious emotional damage to my soul because I let it continue for 24 years. I finally could not allow myself to continue to be used in that way and told my husband no, and that things had to change for it to EVER happen again.
We have been seeing a Christian counselor for eight months now. My husband is just going through the motions, doing his assignments, and seems to think things are fine. It is still very hollow and forced. I sense resentment from him sometimes when he is doing something nice for me, like it is a necessary inconvenience. The counselor is concerned that he is still not becoming emotionally invested in the relationship. He is very passive aggressive, which is so hard to deal with. It leaves me feeling like everything is my fault and questioning my interpretation of what’s really going on. The counselor is helping me learn to listen to my gut and find my voice. It is hard. I am emotionally weary. It has affected my relationship with my Lord. I feel betrayed and let down. I need to feel the closeness of His loving presence, but I am so wounded and guarded. I am afraid if I ever acknowledge the depth of my pain it will engulf me.