Several years ago we wrote a Marriage Message titled, “Are Your Friends Helping or Hurting Your Marriage?” We featured this topic because we heard from so many spouses where their friends were hurting their marriages. They didn’t know what to do.
We’re revisiting this matter again (and updating what we wrote) because many others have let us know that they are facing this same dilemma. We hope this will help.
Fortunately, many married couples have great, supportive friends. We have many wonderful friends ourselves. They are a blessing in so many ways. We love our friends. But through the years we’ve had to change out some friendships. We either grew in different directions or these friendships (for whatever reason) began hurting our marriage rather than enriching it. So we distanced ourselves from them.
This brings to mind the scripture, written in the book of Ecclesiastes. “To everything there is a season.” And that can be true of friendships as well as in other areas of life.
FYI: We have this Insight available in Podcast form. To listen, just click on the Podcast button to the right. →
Sometimes you have great friends that you’re close to before you marry. But the “greatness” of some friendships change after marrying. You enter into a new season of life. And different seasons usher in different challenges. After marrying, you may need to ask yourself if these friends are helping or hurting your marriage. (Hopefully, they’re helping!)
Friends Helping Marriage or Hurting It?
It’s difficult to think that our friends could hurt us in any way. After all, they are our “friends” aren’t they? We were close to them before we married. But the fact is that when we marry we enter into a sacred covenantal partnership with our spouse and with God. And that changes whatever we had going for us before marrying—especially our priorities. Our spouse should then be our top human priority.
You may have had some great friendships before marrying. But sometimes those same friends just aren’t good ones for you to continue at this stage of your life. They want more from you than you’re able to give them. Your priorities have to change after marrying; but they may not see or understand that. Concerning the friends you keep after marrying:
“Make sure you spend time with friends and couples who encourage you to strengthen your marriage. And spend less time with people who tempt you to compromise your marital commitments.” (Bruce & Lauren Ashford)
On that same note, Dave Willis points out this truth:
“I’m convinced that one of the biggest factors that lead people into affairs is the friends they choose to hang around. This might sound surprising to you, but I’ve seen it play out over and over. In most (not all) cases of adultery, the spouse who had the affair had also been spending time with friends or co-workers who don’t encourage marital faithfulness. Surround yourself with friends who strengthen your character. Make sure you remove yourself from those who attempt to compromise your character.”
So beware!
Friendships that Corrupt
Here’s one way of looking at that dilemma: When fruit is ripe, it’s good to partake of it. But when it turns rotten, then it’s time to get rid of it. This same principle can apply to friendships. The Bible says, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought; and stop sinning. For there are some who are ignorant of God. I say this to your shame.” (1 Corinthians 15:33-34)
It’s noted in Mark 10:9 that Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let no one separate.” And that includes friendships. So if a friend causes even emotional division and separation between you and your spouse, that is problematic. Do what you believe Jesus would have you do. It may not be what you want to do; but it’s necessary.
A spouse might say that if they let go of this friend, they “won’t have any friends.” And that could be true. But in reality, it would be better to not have any friends than to have friends who pull you in wrong directions. It’s the Matthew 5 principle that if your “hand” or your “eye” causes you to do what you shouldn’t, then you must get rid of that, which is causing the problem. Friendships can be disposable; marriages are not supposed to be. It’s important to stay true to the vows we made to our God and to our spouse.
It just comes down to the fact that sometimes friendships can trouble the health of your marriage.
Prayerfully Consider:
“There are a number of ways in which friends can be detrimental to your marriage. One is when a friend, whether same-sex or opposite, becomes your main confidant. That kind of sharing is what builds true and deep intimacy. Thus, when you confide your concerns and fears, your hopes and dreams, your struggles and temptations with a friend to the exclusion of your spouse, you forge your strongest bonds of intimacy with the friend.
“Another way in which friends can hurt your marriage is when they consume too much of your discretionary time. Couple time —the time you spend connecting with each other and nurturing your relationship —is a premium for most of us. Friends who expect or demand so much of your time that they deprive you of couple time are foes to your marriage.” (Jeannette and Robert Lauer, from the Marriage Partnership article “With Friends Like These”)
Friendships that Change in Healthiness
When I was mentoring two young ladies a few years ago, they both complained that they were having a difficult time finding friends who were helpful and encouraging of their marriages. As I told them —that’s then it’s time to look for new friends. If these “friends” cause division with your spouse, then they cease to truly be friends. It’s then that they become marital adversaries instead. Just because your friendship was a good one previously, it doesn’t mean that it’s good now. If you throw out junk mail, you should throw out junk friendships, even though it hurts for a time.
Concerning this matter, here are a few “tough questions” to ask yourself about your friendships (which Jeannette and Robert Lauer came up with):
• “Do they enjoy the kind of activities and conversation that strengthen marriage?
• “Do they make you feel better about your spouse?Also:
• “Do they respect and support your need for couple time?
• “Do they celebrate marriage as a rich human experience?”
And here are a couple of additional questions from Sabrina D. Black, from the book, “Can Two Walk Together?”
Sabrina Poses the Questions:
• “Are these people building a hedge around your marriage?
• “How concerned are they about godly things?Also:
• “Are they the types who say, ‘Well, I never really liked him anyway?’ Or do they say, ‘you know, I didn’t like it when he did this the other day,’ or ‘I don’t believe you should put up with that!’
“Make sure your friend is concerned about godly things. Make sure they know the Word of God and will turn to it when you call. Always keep in mind that friends are people who should draw you closer to God. Therefore, if they are telling you something that is contrary to the Word, then they are not really your friends.”
Supportive Friendships
Does this mean that we shouldn’t have outside friendships? Of course not! Healthy friendships can help you in your marriage! Friends can be great encouragers and a lot of fun for both of you. Plus, they can partner with you in praying about matters of concern.
“There are powerful examples of committed friendship in David and Jonathan; Ruth and Naomi; in Jesus and his close friendships with people like Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Friendships like these strengthen and shape us, and our need for them doesn’t evaporate when we marry. Sure, things change—and they ought to! But we lose out, as a couple, if we think marriage supplants all our friendship needs.” (Kelli B. Trujillo)
Just make sure you choose your friends wisely. Make sure that they make you feel better about your mate and about your God. If they don’t, then make the hard decision of parting ways with them.
If your spouse has a friend that threatens your marriage, ask God when and how to approach your spouse over this matter. Don’t nag and push so hard that your spouse keeps the friendship(s) just to spite you. That will just cause further damage. But ask God to give you wisdom to do what you need to do. As we’re told in God’s Word:
“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” (Hebrews 10:36)
We hope this has given you some food for thought on the issue of friendships. If you have other thoughts you can share to help others, please do.
— ALSO —
Here are two related articles posted on this web site that we encourage you to read:
• FRIENDSHIPS AND HOW THEY INFLUENCE A MARRIAGE
• YOUR FRIENDS INFLUENCE YOUR MARRIAGE
May we hold to the standard where our friends are encouragers in our marriages! And may we always strive to encourage our friends in their marriages!
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
ALSO:
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Filed under: Marriage Insights
(KENYA) Amen!!! It appears that your Marriage Mission is totally acquainted over this problems that we tend to experience personally in our marriages. Keep up the good work of revealing/preaching/teaching the truth to all of us who are married and even those who are not married yet. Best wishes.
(UNITED STATES) What are you views on married men having friendships with women? Who should married men talk to about advice for thier marrige? My spouse says he can’t talk to any of his guy friends…
I’ve been married 5 years coming September but we’ve been together for almost 7. Three and a half months ago my husband went out on Valentines with friends instead of coming home. He never came back. After 3 days of begging him in texts and phone calls to come home he finally said that he was done with me and wanted to be himself again with his friends. He told me he wasn’t cheating but I found out through facebook that he’s seeing someone else since March 30th. He hasn’t told me about her but on the website he claims to be so in love with her. He hasn’t asked me for a divorce or even a legal seperation just moved out.
I know his friends are a bad influence. Ever since I became a mom and stopped putting my husband’s love for his band first, they have hated. He has told me so. I see that she’s saying about how in love with my husband she is, and is supporting his band full force right now. I even saw on facebook that he has moved in with her. I don’t know what to do or if praying will bring him back, but I hope so. I love him so much! His children love him too but he’s neglecting his relationship with them too. I’m so confused and depressed. The only thing keeping me going is my love for my children because the void I feel without him is unbearable.
Friends can be of great support to a marriage if they provide a guiding light in a positive direction and intervene when they see trouble. So much good can come from friends who don’t look the other way. One of the the worst things to say to someone in a troubled relationship is to live for the moment. When someone is being led astray , they need to look into the future and see what the devastating consequences of their actions will bring.
A good trusted friend can lead someone back on the right path.
It seems more than a coincidence that I found this article, just days after a woman I’ve been close friends with for many years decided to end our friendship. In reflecting on the situation, I can see that perhaps I depended too much on her for emotional intimacy and support. It seemed OK because I am single and have been having a hard time getting over someone I really loved. But maybe it’s God’s way of saying that I need to depend more on Him for guidance and emotional/spiritual support. Maybe my relationship with this friend has been a hindrance more than a help to me, and maybe God is clearing the decks in order to bring me to a new place in life.
REALLY profound, Jenny, that you are realizing this. It MAY be that if you make the Lord your best friend… for a lifetime, you may be in a better place to be ready for a healthier relationship someday. I have a GREAT marriage, but the Lord is my best friend (and my husband’s best friend), which makes our relationship all the more loving, stable, and exciting too. I hope the best for you, Jenny.
My husband is allowing MY adult, 30 year old daughter from a previous relationship, that I don’t get along with to cause conflict and division in OUR marriage. We are not AT ALL on the same page. This is strange and very creepy and inappropriate. Why my husband is doing this I have no idea. My daughter is toxic, but MY husband is allowing this and I blame him 100%!! I am about to file for a divorce!!!!!!
My pastor made the comment that Jesus hung around with sinners, but He wasn’t in danger of being influenced by them. We aren’t like Him and instead need to look the example of others with stronger, healthier marriages.
If you get all your marriage advice from divorced people, you’re going to end up divorced.
I have a genuine question regarding a friendship that my spouse has. My husband has a single guy friend that he has known pretty much his entire life since 5 years old almost. As adults his friend has worked a reputation for having many relationships and wrong choices, and there is some truth to his reputations as he is an attractive person (I use this to describe the situation).
My husband who I believe is attractive in many ways (which is hurtful to me, as I feel like he thinks I am that superficial or questions my character) this mainly is due to my husband who can feel very insecure about himself around him, and never really allowed many interactions without setting this vibe for the 3 of us since our relationship started years ago. I personally do not enjoy the way he treats me in those few interactions because I can sense his insecurity and rudeness as if I have other motives.
There are times I disagree with him spending time with his “best friend” mainly because sometimes I don’t even know he is around him until later on or after the fact. I feel like I can’t do anything right, when it comes to this relationship, and sometimes end up being accused. Yet it is my husband’s active choice to keep this friendship. Am I wrong to point to him that he has created so much secrecy around this friendship? I’m questioning him why he is still friends with some that he feels insecure to have around his wife.
Cynthia, this is a tough one! I can’t see all of the dynamics going on so I’m not sure how to answer here. But there’s no doubt that friends who are single can sometimes be problematic if they aren’t respectful of your marriage partnership. I’m not sure if this man is or not, but you definitely feel insecure about it. Marriage is tough enough but when we have people in our life that don’t honor our union and cause tension– that can be a problem. My husband and I each have a few single friends. But these friends encourage us in our marriage.
I sense though that you have to tread very carefully here. Your husband obviously feels his friendship with this guy is being questioned. It’s too bad that he doesn’t try to assure you that you are first in his life and will let no one separate you emotionally or physically. Instead, he feels assured in his own mind that his friendship is fine so he goes more secretive. It’s not that he’s doing anything blatantly wrong (probably he isn’t, but you can’t be sure), but his approach, though typical of a lot of men, makes you feel insecure so it’s problematic.
Honestly, I try not to spend time with my husband’s friends. He has invited me sometimes to go out to lunch with them or whatever… but I almost always say no. I’ve seen that the dynamics change if I’m with them. They don’t necessarily talk about what they want to talk about and so I want to let them just be guys (within reason) and spend time without me. My husband and I have our time and they have theirs (although he obviously spends a lot more time with me than them).
Now, we definitely have boundaries that we both honor. They don’t go anywhere that I wouldn’t appreciate or do anything that is shaky in any way (like having any gals with them, etc.). The same goes for me that I don’t go anywhere or do anything with my gal friends that Steve wouldn’t appreciate. We married each other — not other people. But we are up front about the time we spend with our friends. There is nothing secretive between us — even friendships and all that goes on when we get together with them.
From what I sense, you both need to find a good time to talk about this and work out some boundaries that you will both honor. Don’t do it at a HALT Time (when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired). Arrange to do this at a non-combative time where each of you are open to find peaceable ways to make this work. It’s good to have friends that we enjoy separately and together. But those friendships need to be honoring to your marriage.
I encourage you to truly pray about your approach to talk to your husband about this friendship (and any others). I call it the Queen Esther Approach. If you recall, in the Bible, Queen Esther had a huge problem, which she needed to discuss with her husband. But she also knew that there was a right way, and a wrong way to approach him so the situation could be brought out into the light and taken care of. What you want are the right RESULTS – not to BE right.
Queen Esther fasted and prepared her heart with God in prayer, and adjusted her countenance according to what God showed her so she approached her husband the best way possible. God lead her to be very respectful and cool and calm as she spoke. I truly believe because she was bathed in prayer He honored her by paving the way both before she approached her husband and then afterwards where He spoke to her husband’s sense of reasoning.
Ask God to show you how to do this so you each can find ways that you can satisfy the other. We call this “marrying” our differences. We need to work them out so we can come to an agreement. It’s not your way, or his way, but an agreeable way for both of you in your marriage partnership. It may mean that you have to approach this issue more than once to come to an agreeable way, or it may just take once. But obviously, something needs to be said and/or done so you both aren’t feeling so insecure about this friendship. There IS a way to come to peace on this — you and your husband just need to figure out how to get there so this doesn’t continue to be a source of tension for you.
I pray you find that way. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)