Question: I was wondering if you could post strict guidelines to sexual purity, like the Do’s and Don’ts of it all. Maybe I missed them somewhere on the site —if I did I am sorry.
Bebroken.com Answer on Sexual Purity:
You didn’t miss the “do’s” and “don’ts” guidelines on the website. Actually, they’re conspicuously missing because they don’t exist. Well, I guess they do exist, but maybe not in the form most of us think.
I searched for 13 years to find the comprehensive list of guidelines for how to remain sexually pure. I concluded my search in frustration and shame. So, I made up numerous rules along the way to try and keep myself from acting out, but all proved to be in vain. I tried, and tried, and tried, but failed every time. Why? I was focused on changing behaviors rather than having God change my heart.
This may seem like oversimplifying, but it really isn’t. We have hundreds of men contact our ministry who want to know specifically what to do to walk in sexual purity. They say, “Give me the rules so I can be a man of purity.” The problem is that we have had the “rules” for thousands of years. The Old Testament law is the rules. But we have proven over and over again that we cannot keep the law.
That’s why Jesus Christ paid the penalty we owed in order to gain the freedom we needed. Galatians 5:1 says, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.“ Christ did not pay the ultimate price so we could wander back into slavery to the law. He fulfilled the law so we could benefit from the life He now gives us.
Lifestyle of Purity
Living a lifestyle of purity every day is more about our faithfulness to submit our will and emotions to God than it is about striving to behave “just right.” Focusing on behavior requires that we focus on ourselves. Focusing on submission to God requires focus on our Savior. Do you see the difference?
I know how frustrating it can be to ask for a specific answer and get the reply I am sending. But that’s how I believe God works in our lives. He wants us to dig deeper than external actions and focus where life occurs —in our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). “For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45)
Our actions will fall in line with the direction of our hearts 100% of the time. It is a principle of life. So, to be pure in action requires we become pure in heart. And to be pure in heart means we must develop intimacy with our Creator.
I hope this makes sense and is an encouragement to you. I realize it may seem vague and hard to grasp, but it works. God radically changed my life when I shifted my focus from all that I was doing wrong to gazing intently at Him. I’m convinced that the primary “task” of being a man of purity is constantly checking to see if my heart is focused on God. If my heart is in line with truth, then my actions will be also.
One final encouragement —don’t try this alone. God makes it clear that He wants us to grow in our faith and fellowship. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.“ (Proverbs 27:17)
Build a network of support with some other guys who can sharpen you and keep you focused on where God is leading. The friendships you develop will be worth it.
This article originally titled “Real Question, Real Answer” came from the ministry of Bebroken.com, which ministers to those who are struggling with sexual issues. It was sent via e-mail, which they send out periodically to those who subscribe to this service. The Bebroken web site itself, is designed to assist you in finding help, resources, and education on sexual purity. Whether you battle a sexual addiction or struggle lightly, you should benefit from the resources there.
— ALSO —
Here are a couple of articles posted on the Boundless.org web site that can also help you in your goal in keeping sexually pure. Please prayerfully read through and consider what is being said to the following questions:
• BIBLICAL DATING: Principles for Drawing Boundaries
Plus, to “support” you in your quest to live a pure life, there is a worksheet, put together by the ministry of Girls Gone Wise, which you may find helpful. To view this document (and hopefully use it, as well) please click onto the web site link below:
• MY PERSONAL HEDGES WORKSHEET
More from Marriage Missions
Filed under: Sex Before Marriage
12 responses to “Guidelines To Sexual Purity: Question – Answer”
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi ok, i have a serious problem then after reading your answer to the above question. My fiance and i seem to fail dismally at being sexually pure. We talk about and fight about it and end up having sex just so that we stop fighting about him getting satisfied. Yes, i want to have sex, but after marriage and I have communicated it more than once with him but it is extremely difficult for him and he ends up being angry at me and not doing the things he used to do because i said NO. So I end up giving in.
He has stopped attending pre-marital sessions because he feels we should stay together and cuddle and kiss and that will make him happy and in turn he can make me happy and we will get married. Yet I know that God is not pleased with our lifestyle. I’m stuck between trying to live right and making my fiance happy. I so wanna stop this wedding and remain single because I don’t think this man knows what God requires of him or he is just ignoring it. I love him very much and I cannot go to our counselor because I don’t wanna confess to man but God, about my sin, which I have. But now I’m stuck between ending this relationship and pleasing God. I’m really confused but i need to get this sorted out or else I’m gonna go to hell cause I know the TRUTH!
(AUSTRALIA) Please can I have your email? I am going through the same thing and would like to talk with you more about this.
(USA) Dear “Anonymous,” We’re so sorry you’re going through this very difficult situation. But regrettably, this isn’t a platform where we allow email addresses to be given out. Even though your motives may be pure, there are many out there who can cause problems if they were given this type of information. We want this to be a safe place to find help, comfort and instruction. So, as much as we would like to allow you to exchange emails, this just isn’t one of the avenues we can make available to you. We truly hope you’re able to find help in another way. May God be your guide.
(USA) Matthew 10:34~38 And these are directly from Jesus…”Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace but a sword. For I am come to set a man a variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
HE THAT LOVETH HIS FATHER OR MOTHER MORE THAN ME IS NOT WORTHY OF ME:AND HE THAT LOVETH HIS SON OR DAUGHTER MORE THAN ME IS NOT WORTHY OF ME. AND HE THAT TAKETH NOT HIS CROSS AND FOLLOWETH ME IS NOT WORTHY OF ME.
You are choosing this man over the LORD Jesus Christ and you admit that. This man is your god and that is blasphemy. It doesn’t have to be that way and it won’t be easy but you have to make a decision. You are either for Christ or against Him, no middle ground there. “Thou shall have no gods before ME.”
Please also let me point out that although we are no longer under “The Law” there are still rules we are to follow. As with raising kids, “no” is often an answer. God means for us to follow The Ten Commandments. That was basic instruction for trying to live a righteous life. “Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy” 1 Peter 1~16
The new no consequence religion going around is saying do as you please, it’s all under the blood.
Christ died for the sinful condition we were born into. The sins we commit after confessing Him as LORD will be answered for as well as all the damage it can do to us and everyone around us) and He says that.
I ask that anyone else reading this, please pray over this situation for her with me. You can count on my prayers.
(NIGERIA) You already know what to do and you have to be strong and stand your ground. It is obvious this man is not a Christian and not mature enough. Love is not the only thing that makes marriage work and sex will not make him love you. Stop trying to please him cause he is a man that can always fail. Please try to please your maker and he will perfect all that pertains to you. I pray to God to give you the grace you need to go thru this and come out strong so it is well with you.
(NIGERIA) I can truly understand your plight. I can only advise that you take the right step, and that would be to talk to your man and make him understand your ideals. Where he insists on having sex with you continuously before marriage, then your best option is to cut off all relations with him, no matter how much you love him.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend, who I love so much over a similar issue, and thereafter made a decision to remain single till I’m ready for marriage. Believe me, nothing can be compared to eternal life with Jesus and we should be careful not to allow anything to jeopardise that. Wish yo all the best in your journey to please the creator.
(GERMANY) If your partner travels a lot is it ok to send him nude pictures of you?
(USA) If you are married, then no, it’s not sinful for a husband to enjoy the beauty of his wife. If you are not married, then he is lusting after a woman who he is not married to and that is sin. Also, if he is pleasing himself by himself there may be an issue of being satisfied by his wife. It is best to communicate with him and figure out a plan that will work for your marriage, even if that means getting a new job, so he can bring glory to God through his marriage with you. In the end what matters most is if Glory is being brought to God.
(USA) I need some answers or encouragement or maybe someone just to talk to. I’m engaged and have been for the past 4 months. I have been with the man of my dreams for over a year. We are getting married in June 2013. We are Christians and both come from Christian homes. We have been doing a long distance relationship for the past 5 months and he came in just to propose to me so that I knew we weren’t just wasting time.
I flew to see him because we hadn’t seen each other in two months and I stayed in his parent’s house with his parents. One night we ended up having sex. I don’t really know what to do. Is this going to ruin our marriage? We’ve repented and are trying to pick up the pieces but the guilt I have is not going away. What do I do?
(USA) I suggest you both agree not to have sex until after marriage. This does not mean that your marriage is doomed by any means.
I want a right biblical suggestion for me. I was in a love relationship. My girlfriend was attached to me by my faith in Christ, but soon we got away from Christ and started serious relationship, and about to sex, not completely but it is 90% close relation. Later I realized that I am on a wrong path. I discussed it with her. She understood me and agreed to break up to escape from sin, but still sometimes she says she want to marry me. Can I marry in this situation? Does this illegal past relationship, should it be turned into marriage???
Sometime I read that the marriage bed should be of without sin, and many good preachers and leaders tell about marrying a girl according to God’s plan and I should pray for that. I am facing mixed feelings. Am I cheating a girl or am I on the right path according to gods wish? Sometimes I read that God tells Moses that whoever rapes a girl in ground should marry her. Please help me in this. Lastly, I want to say that my partner is still a virgin. In my country it means to a girl a lot.
Hi Bob, I’m so glad you recognized that you were on a “wrong path” in getting too close physically, to your girlfriend, and stopping what you were doing. Many people never stop, only to have major regrets later. You ask about marrying this girl, if God would be opposed because of the sinful path your relationship was on before. From what I read in the Bible, the question isn’t whether or not to marry her because you once sinned together, but marrying her if she isn’t on the same spiritual path as you. Does she have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ –not just one that hangs upon YOUR faith, but that hers is real too? That is an even more important question.
Please go through the topic, “Is He or She the One?” and also, “”Single, Yet Preparing.” As you read the articles (and quotes and such), you will see that it’s most important that you BOTH are faith-walking people, who love the Lord, as well as each other… in a biblical, healthy way. Please read through the articles in those topics, and you will better understand what I am talking about here. If you confessed your past sin, and sin no more, then you are clean before the Lord.
As far as the marriage bed being sinful because of what you did before, we are assured throughout the Bible that when we confess our sin, repent of the wrong we did, God hears us and forgives us, and purifies us from all unrighteousness. He doesn’t hold our past against us, after doing so. Read 1 John 1:9, in the Bible. That scripture in itself tells you what I am saying here. Your marriage bed WILL be “without sin” and your union will be blessed, if you approach it as husband and wife, and you approach making love together with unselfish hearts who enjoy faithfully being “one” with each other (you can read about this in the Bible in the Song of Songs, or the Song of Solomon, as it is termed as in some Bibles –a husband with his wife in a blessed and passionate union, blessed by God). Your past IS your past when you come together with clean hearts and consciences.
So yes, you CAN marry this girl and have a marriage bed that is “without sin” if you both have confessed of past sin, and “sin no more” –having sexual relations outside of marriage. SHOULD you marry her, is another question, which depends upon your spiritual compatibility, your both being fully committed to God, to each other, and to the sacredness of marriage. Also, are you both mature enough to marry, and are you compatible in other ways so you can work together as a good marital team –one that will show love in action, living out the principles for loving each other, as Christ loved the church? Those are questions that are important to address. If you feel good about your compatibility in those ways, then go through the “Marriage Preparation Materials” topic, where you will find good questions to ask each other –to further prepare yourselves for marrying each other.
All of these will help you to know if you should consider marrying. With confession, repentance, clean hearts, and clean actions before marrying, you will do fine, without having to worry about the marriage bed being blessed “without sin” … it will be (as long as it is exclusively you and your wife in bed together, being intimate). I hope this helps in some way.