How do you cope with the fact that your spouse had intense feelings for an affair partner? The trust you had for your spouse is shattered when you think that they could have cast your feelings off to the side in such a horrible manner. How do you get past your shattered feelings?
This article, written in a question and answer format, is not intended for those “who have recently discovered their spouse’s extramarital affair. But rather it is written for those who have been on a healing journey for a significant period of time, who desire to stay married, and whose spouses have done their part in taking responsibility for their affair and doing the work necessary to heal the marriage.”
Need to Take Steps Towards Healing
Sometimes we try to skip necessary steps in healing such devastation. Please know that it almost always takes years to heal from this type of betrayal. There are exceptions to most anything, although it would be rare if this would be one of them. Even if all the “conditions” are right, this is so. Please do all you can to allow yourself the time and make the effort to heal as you should.
With this in mind, for those that are ready, you can find the following article on the web site for the Beyond Affairs Network. This network, directed by Anne and Brian Bercht, helps those who are dealing with affair issues. It is directed by Anne and Brian Bercht. Please click onto the link provided below so you are able to read this article:
• How Do You Cope if Your Spouse
Had Intense Feelings for Their Affair Partner
— ALSO —
Here is an article written by Joe Beam that gives insights into the type of love that affair partners start with. I believe you will find it to be especially relevant to this entire issue. He also explains why it isn’t a love that is sustainable at the same level and how it can go very wrong, eventually. I encourage you to read:
• CHOOSING BETWEEN SPOUSE AND LOVER: What If It’s Love?
And then lastly, here is another article, written by Anne and Brian, that you may find helpful to read and prayerfully consider:
• What Happens if the Cheating Spouse Loves the other Woman or Man?
We pray this helps in some way. May God give you insight, discernment, and healing.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
Be honest to yourself and your spouse as you move forward in forgiveness. I believe God will make you grow stronger, have a new found Love for your spouse. A Love will be shown through your words and actions. Praise God for woemen and children and good will amongst men. Protect your marriage. Be blessed!!!
I had a dream my wife was actually having a sexual affair and immediately it woke me up and I called her, as luck would have it, I called her right in the middle of exactly what my dream told me, it was 4.5 years later and a drug Addiction battle of my own, when the truth started coming out, two months after of more trickle truth and lies literally every day. Finally tonight Dec. 30, 2017 I explained I wanted to here all the truth, the way she thought she felt the reasons for the choices, because I love my wife and family dearly and want to start off 2018 right.
I have had tremendous sadness, depression, and every other emotion I never knew I had; soon I started hearing the truth in late July. Lost my business, home, license, all due to my choices for feeling so personally attacked by these actions of her. I also have found out so much that my wife has endured from childhood until I met her, that makes me feel even sadder for her.
I am asking for prayer for us both and our family to be able to overcome this all to see that problems in our relationship, attend from a lot or both of our childhoods and past, and to work to be a stronger family and better people to have a stronger marriage as we both deserve, I want to forgive get as I want the same from her for my faults in the marriage. Also the weird thing about the dream is I described the whole dream and in the end she couldn’t. Thanks happy New year’s
My wife knows I cheated and sent nude pics. All her friends know. Now I am impotent from beta blockers.
Hi, I m not feeling very good. My husband had an affair and caught with messages. But still he is doing business together with her. Am very scared that is everything alright between them as they work together from morning 9 am until early morning 3 am every day. Am really worried if he is still in close relation with her or not. Could someone help me please? Thanks
My husband of 5 years had an affair. We have an almost one year old daughter who is absolutely a daddy’s girl! Against my better judgement I drove him 2 hours to his buddies to help him with building a fence. Obviously upset I didn’t really say anything when he got out of my car. He was to send me some gas money but never did and I ran out of gas going home. His phone was off and I didn’t hear a word from him for like 3 days. When he did contact me it was short and not at all what you’d expect after going ghost for 3 days. I was livid mad but only text him that I had nothing to say.
Long story short more days went by so I sent him a big long message about how his behavior was unacceptable and hurtful and how his daughter was freaking out not knowing where he was for the first time in her life. He was very cold and uncaring and I knew in that moment that he was with another female. Jessie Jones but he denied it. I was so angry and hurt that I blocked him on Facebook. was told by a mutual friend that yes, he was seen with her. He still denied everything and any wrong doing when I asked him. I then drove all his stuff to another mutual friends house and had her let him know it was there.
The last I spoke to him at this point he told me yes he wanted to see his daughter but no he did not want to come home to me. By this point I am so heartbroken and devastated and in complete disbelief all this was happening, all I could do was fall apart and cry.
Weeks had now gone by since the day I dropped him off and when I told him he needed to come see his daughter he told me he wanted to but he has no car and told me he had gotten a job and was busy working. Our daughter was so completely devastated by his sudden absence that she began regressing and having sleeping issues and fits of incessant crying.
I decided to drive to his mothers so he could spend time with his daughter. Once I was there we barely exchanged more than a few words. It was very clear he did not miss me or desire to reconcile. Even with me pulling out of the driveway and then pulling back in and walking up to him crying asking him why. All he said was I don’t know what you want me to say and got up and walked away from me.
I drove home hysterical. I mean crying so hard I had to pull over cuz I was unable to drive. I messaged him multiple messages expressing my hurt my pain wanting to know why and how he could do this. His responses were cold until they were non-existent. 3 and 1/2 weeks or so after dropping him off with his buddy I drove to his mother’s a second time for him to see his daughter and me to see him because I was angry he had finally admitted to being with her. When I got there he wasn’t there, he was of course with her and I was devastated again. Drove home crying again.
Trying to shorten this horrible story… another week went by and he messaged me to please come get him. I don’t know what exactly happened something between him and her. I picked him up from her and we went to his mom’s. I told him I had to get back so we needed to leave and he tells me that he can’t go all the way back to my house with me. Mind you I just drove 2 hours to pick him up just to drive him 20 minutes to his mom’s. I was pretty upset that he wasted my time just so he could see his daughter for however long. I ended up crying in his arms and he told me he loved me and he was sorry but he couldn’t come with me because he had to get his paycheck in the morning.
Well I barely talked to him the next day, he still wasn’t trying to come home and then all of a sudden I think 2 days later he’s ready for me to come get him from work. Almost halfway I stopped by my mom’s to help her with something and while I was there about to leave he says not to come now. That he’s too tired to do anything. Turns out he was fighting with her and he went with her instead. I was mad. She ended up messaging me telling me to come get him and I actually spoke with her on the phone for 20 minutes. At the same time he’s messaging me how sorry he is for everything and how he’s done with her and a bunch of ungodly words and he’s with his buddy and for me to come get him. 2 hour drive and minutes before I get there she sends me screenshots of her and his conversations and so when I pulled in I was livid mad and ended up driving off without him and him yelling all kinds of not nice things at me.
Fast forward to now (a little more than a month later) he’s here at home. Been here since then and he was still in contact with her. She was messaging me daily, said we could be sister wives 😲 I finally told her we’re not friends, not going to be and she needs to stop messaging him too. They had a good laugh about it, said it was too funny for my humor and that really upset me. They messaged that they will always have love for each other and blah blah blah He claims they haven’t talked since. We’re trying to reconcile but he’s not really doing anything to show me he’s remorseful or that he wants to help me heal. I keep having triggers and randomly start crying and if anything he seems annoyed or irritated by it.