Rebuilding Your Marriage After YOU Had the Affair

Dollar Photo - Rebuilding MarriageWhat can you do to rebuild your marriage and get beyond the past after you have had an affair? There’s no going around it, there really is not going to be any easy way out of getting past the matter. It’s going to be a tough one. This is especially true as you try to help your spouse get past the devastation of the affair. You will have a lot of difficult work ahead of you. You can’t just close your eyes and wish the event away.

“Trying to rush the wounded spouse. You, who have committed the adultery, must avoid saying to your spouse, ‘That is over now. Let’s forget it, and not talk about it any more and move on.’ Your spouse is still devastated and bleeding. This is an open wound that you won’t slap a quick band aid on and hope they will be okay.” (Jackie and Ronnie Calloway, from the article “10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity“)

Give Your Spouse Consideration Here

And from everyone we’ve talked to that has lived through this situation, and every article we’ve read, truer words couldn’t be written. Just because you don’t want to deal with the issue any longer, or you feel like you have dealt with it long and deeply enough, your spouse needs top consideration here. She or he is the one who was betrayed. And as long as there are more unsettled issues that she/he needs to work through, they will always cause separation in your marriage relationship. When emotional wounds are deep, it’s unrealistic for one spouse to decide when an offending situation should be closed and no longer dealt with. Marriage is a partnership where both spouses need to work together on such issues “until” both spouses come to a mutual agreement that all is well.

Articles to Help You

To help you further on this and other points, you will find links below to articles that we encourage you to read. Ask the Lord to help you learn what is important for you to apply in your heart, mind and actions.

The following article was written by James Vaughan. He knows first hand how difficult this journey can be because he has been there after he had an affair. He gives the following practical advice that might help you, as you read and apply:

Weathering the Tough Times in Rebuilding the Marriage

To help you further, the following article was written by his wife Peggy, which might help you to better know how to help your spouse heal from the damage the affair has caused. Please click onto the web site link to read:

Figuring Out and Expressing What You Think and Feel

Question to Consider

The following question was posed to author Anne Bercht on the subject of rebuilding trust:

Question: “I have destroyed my husband’s trust in me as I have lied to him over the last year. I desperately want to regain his trust. Is there anything I can say or propose to him besides saying, “I’m sorry — I won’t do it again.” to make him open to at least giving me a chance to try to rebuild the trust?”

For the answer, please go to Anne’s web site to read:

Rebuilding Trust With Your Husband After You’ve Had An Affair

To learn from other perspectives on this topic from the Dear web site, please read:

Steps to Restoring Trust

How Can You Rebuild Trust After An Affair?

The “Need to Know”

Another Question

Here’s a portion of another question that you might be dealing with after you have had an affair:

Question: “I have admitted to an affair. Part of my plan to gain trust is to contact the girl I had an affair with (who is no longer in my life).  My wife wants me to convince this woman to send her emails she may have kept, that we sent to each other. Naturally, I deleted all of my e-mails. …I’m afraid if this woman does have something saved it will do the opposite of helping my wife. We really spiral out of control and go to a dark place when we discuss this. …What should I/we do?”

To read the answer given by Anne Bercht, please go to the linked article on the Beyond Affairs web site to read:

What if My Wife Wants to Read Affair Emails?

Live AND Learn

It’s not just what you’ve lived through that’s as important as what you’ve “learned through.” Author, Becky Gain discovered that all too well. She wrote that she discovered: “Although I ended my illicit relationship, I could not stop the memories.” To find out what Becky “learned through” we encourage you to read:


You may be struggling forgiving yourself and finding a way to get beyond the hurt you have caused. But:

“It’s important to accept the fact that our actions cannot be erased or undone. However, we can dig deep inside and discover some way to become a better person by virtue of this experience. This focus and process can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret. So the first step is letting go of “if only…” and looking toward “what can I do to demonstrate that I’ve learned an important lesson” from this experience. And, further, consider how I can take this learning and use it to become a better person. No matter how difficult something is to deal with, there’s always the potential for learning from it. Using these learnings to forge a more responsible and fulfilling life can help counteract the feelings of guilt or regret.”

To read more advice from Peggy, please click onto the web site link to read:

Where Can I Find Help for the Person Who Had the Affair?

Another Question and Answer

This last article poses a question and then answers it as well. Author, Nancy C. Anderson was the person who had the affair. She has since spent her life helping others who are struggling in marriages rocked by infidelity. After reading the article (and reading her book, “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome“) you may consider contacting her if you’re still struggling. It’s possible she might give you additional suggestions. But first, please read:


We pray that God has used the above articles to minister to your heart and marriage in His amazing way.

This article is composed by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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Filed under: Surviving Infidelity

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99 responses to “Rebuilding Your Marriage After YOU Had the Affair

  1. I had a long term affair that ended over a year ago. At same time my husband had one night affair with my cousin. He filed for divorce last August. In December he told me he wanted to try and fix our marriage. I did all the things to help and move on; I confessed, I said I was sorry and asked forgiveness and took alot of mean negative behavior. I’ve been doing this going on for almost a year. I do not bring up his infidelity. I do everything he asked to make our marriage better. He has not done one thing. He is actually worse. I asked him to change his f.b status to married and to unblock me. That is all. He won’t. It was his decision to put divorce on hold but does nothing to fix our marriage after a year. Do I keep trying and stay or give up and move on?

    1. Oh Father, I lift up Tammy and her husband to You, for You are the Creator of all and are fully able to heal and restore every broken marriage relationship. Come close to Tammy in this time and wrap Your loving arms around her. Give her Your perfect peace and hope and lead her along Your path to restore their marriage. You know all of the struggles going on in the midst of the marriage of Tammy and her husband. Bring all of the issues fully out into the light. Come upon her husband and cause him to repent of his behavior. Heal the pain in each of their hearts. Capture their attention and draw each of them close to You as You draw them back together. Bring Your perfect healing and restoration into their lives, Father. I ask these things in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus, Amen!!!

  2. My husband had 7 years of sexting affairs with various women but I caught it only twice in the last 5 years. After the second time, he admitted that he felt he had an addiction. He was very sorry and remorseful and, with Gods help, I forgave him. He went to counseling but he quit after it became too emotionally challenging.

    Three months ago, I found out he was in a 6 month physical affair with a 20 year old (he is 48). He says he loved her but loves me more. Needless to say, I have been devastated. Despite this, I agreed to work on reconcilation after he stopped all communications with her.

    My problem is that he seems completely emotionally disconnected. No sharing. No words of being sorry or remorseful. Wanting to move away to escape what he has done. I have practically had to beg for words of reassurance from him. He says his guilt and shame keep him from giving me what I need. I feel like its a cop-out or that there is a different struggle going on.

  3. My wife found out last week that I was having an affair with an Ex-girlfriend. I don’t know what I was thinking or even how I let this happen. After she found out I almost felt relieved that I did not have to carry this lie on anymore. The sad part is that I have a new found love for my wife but am afraid I will never be given the chance to show her. I pray that God lifts this burden off her shoulders and that he will give us both the strength to work through this and come out stronger as a couple in the end.

    1. I cheated on my husband with his friend. He found out in 2015 but the affair had calmed down. But now my husband is sexting and video chatting his ex girlfriend everyday. I’m beating myself up because I don’t want to lose him. I’m so confused; I’m seeing what a good man he is.