How Husband Feels When Wife Puts Children Ahead of Him

wife puts children ahead of husband - Adobe StockHow does it make a man feel when his wife puts their children ahead of him? We posed that question to a group of men. Their most common answers are listed below:

1. Insignificant and disrespected

Most replied that they felt a deep lack of respect from not only their wives, but from their children. “Respect is important to a man, and he doesn’t feel that when the children consistently come first,” said one man.

2. Unloved

Most men, unlike most women, associate love with actions instead of with feelings. When a woman places her children above her husband, her actions say to him that she loves the children more than she loves him. Though not as vocal about it as women, men desire to be deeply loved by their wives. It is difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, but treat him in a cool or casual manner.

3. Lonely

One of the man’s greatest needs is companionship, and he usually expects to find this in his relationship with his wife. “As my wife pours more and more of her life into being a mother, she pours less and less of it into being my wife,” said one man. “The friend I once had in my wife is now a friend to our children, but a stranger to me.” The lonelier a man becomes, the more vulnerable he is to outside temptation. Is your husband lonely because of the time you spend with your children? Are you in any way making him more vulnerable to the attentions of other women?

Also, When Children Are Prioritized Ahead of a Husband, He Feels:

4. Unappreciated

Men appreciate being appreciated! Many men feel that their wives show greater appreciation to their children than they do to them. “If our daughter goes to a friend’s for the night, my wife misses her terribly,” said one husband. “When she comes home the next morning, my wife is ecstatic to see her and acts as if she’s been gone forever. I can be gone for days on a business trip, and my wife acts like I never left. Sometimes she even seems to resent my return home.” Does your husband know how important he is to you and how much you value him? Are you an appreciative wife?

5. Resentful and Angry

Though not a majority, some men stated that when their wives put their children first, they felt a sense of resentment and anger; some felt this way toward their children, others toward their wives. “My fifteen-year-old son walks through the door and my wife immediately asks abut his day or rubs his back if he’s tired. She pampers him constantly. I find myself resenting him, even though I know it isn’t his fault.” Is your husband frustrated or even jealous of your relationship with your children? Could it be that he feels left out or overlooked?

IDEAS ON THIS ISSUE OF CHILDREN AND THEIR PRIORITY:

Maybe you’re sensing that you need a major overhaul in this area, or perhaps just some fine-tuning. Regardless, here are some ideas to consider:

1. Think positive thoughts.

For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!

2. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

Often this comes easily with our children, but is more difficult with our husbands. Grant him the same gracious generosity that you so readily give your kids.

3. Be spontaneous.

Surprise him once a week with a random act of kindness. One woman recently discovered that her husband liked a slushy drink from a local convenience store. She began buying them for him. “He loves it when I do this. It’s such a simple thing to do, and lets him know I’m thinking about him.”

4. Invest in his stock.

Share with your children things you admire about their father. This lets them see how important your marriage is to you. Though it’s been said dozens of times, the way Mom sees Dad is the greatest influencer of how the children see him. Do this with others as well. Many women excel at communicating their children’s strengths, but not their husband’s.

One woman pointed out that often friends will talk about their children in glowing terms, but when they talk about their husbands, they tend to talk about their weaknesses and inabilities. If you do this, stop! Commit to sharing with others only those things that build your husband up. Words are infectious and should be chosen wisely.

5. Make your bedroom a haven.

Too often this is the catchall room. Make an effort to keep it clean, organized, and inviting. One woman bought a small love seat and placed it in the master bedroom. This is where she and her husband spend a few moments together once they’ve gotten in the door at the end of the day. It shows their children that they value each other’s company as well. Burn a fragrant candle so that the room smells inviting and warm.

6. Cater to his quirks.

Many times we think our children’s quirks are cute but our husband’s are obnoxious. One woman discovered that her husband liked his sheets changed often, yet she preferred going longer between changings. “I fought this for years,” she said. “I thought he was being too obsessive. One day my daughter asked why I ignored her father’s request for clean sheets but always changed hers whenever she asked. I was shocked. This was something I didn’t even realize I was doing. I suddenly saw that I was not only dismissing one of my husband’s rare requests, but I was also modeling wrong priorities for my daughter.”

7. Check your attitude.

Said one woman, “I was stunned one night when my husband told me that he wished I had the same attitude toward him that I had toward the kids. From his perspective, I bent over backward for them. I ran all over town to find my daughter the right dress or my son the right tennis shoes. But he said that if he asked me to stop at the hardware store and pick up a gallon of paint, I balked.” Our attitudes speak volumes to our husbands.

8. Pray for your husband.

This tip could go in every chapter. There is nothing like prayer to soften your heart and sharpen your focus.

9. Reintroduce pet names into your relationship.

Refrain from calling him “Dad” or Daddy.” Choose instead to call him by a name that shows your love and high regard for him as a husband.

Your husband may or may not respond as you re-prioritize your relationships. It really isn’t an issue, though, if you are doing it to honor God. Certainly it’s nice for him to notice and appreciate your efforts, but it isn’t necessary. God notices.

This article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan for Marriage Still Works Today, written by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah. This is a real down-to-earth book which is both inspiring yet practical. It gives the reader to have a clearer understanding of God’s design for the married woman. The authors explain how, between the both of them, they bought into more than 40 years of modern day thinking. Eventually they realized how it was sabotaging their marital relationships.

Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

— ADDITIONALLY, CONCERNING CHILDREN & YOUR HUSBAND —

Here’s an article we recommend you read on this issue:

FIND OUT WHY YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD COME FIRST

— PLUS —

We strongly recommend that you read the following linked article that is related, written by Gary Thomas:

THE DANGER (TO OUR KIDS) OF A DISTANT MARRIAGE

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Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage For Married Women

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637 responses to “How Husband Feels When Wife Puts Children Ahead of Him

  1. I’ve been married almost 4 years. I have 3 step children and I had one child with my wife. Most of my marriage my wife has taken sides with her children. The children lacked a lot of discipline when I came on the scene. I was trying to help make raising them easier by applying a mixture of punishment and love to help mature them. She told me once, that she felt like I was picking on her son. Her son had a very smart mouth, and would always throw in his opinion while the adults were talking (when he should have stayed in his place as a child), and my wife would never object to his disrespectfulness.

    The kids didn’t want to clean up after themselves, nor did they want to do their homework and class assignments, so I had to work really hard to apply consequences for their behavior. The two oldest kids pretty much gave up on class and started failing really bad. My wife would always seem to try to rescue them from my method of punishment. If I told the kids that they couldn’t have their game tablets for a week my wife would say no just take it away for a day. As a result the children grew to take advantage of her and she couldn’t see it.

    My son walked in our bedroom one day and told me “dad, step out I need to talk to mom about something.” I told my wife that he wanted something and he knew that he could negotiate with her if I wasn’t in the room. I told her that he knows he can work on her and change her mind. She didn’t believe me. As a result it continued to be hard to raise the children. She told me she doesn’t want the kids to not want to be around her when they get older. All of this has taken a toll on our marriage. It’s hard being a stepfather when your wife takes her kids side and tries to come to their rescue when they are just as wrong as two left shoes. It feels like I’m wasting my time… It’s not going to work if her thinking doesn’t change…..

    1. Dear Anonymous, You have reason for concern. This situation could very well destroy your marriage. The number 1 reason for divorce among couples where step children are brought into the marriage is because of disagreements over step parenting issues. You’ve GOT to get help so you can find a way to get on the same page and make this a workable situation where you are both satisfied. You both have valid points, but you need to find ways to bridge those points so you work together, rather than oppose each other. Children (young or old, and particularly step children) are very masterful at dividing spouses when it comes to raising them. You and your wife are falling into this trap. The kids are immature, but you both need to be mature and get the help you need so you can unite and not send mixed messages. Please don’t say you can’t afford to get the help. You can’t afford NOT to get the help. This WILL divide you permanently, I can assure you. We see it over and over and over and over again. Divorce is MUCH more costly (in many ways) than getting help.

      If you don’t know of a MARRIAGE FRIENDLY counselor who specializes in these types of issues, I have a few recommendations. First, make sure it IS a marriage-friendly counselor. If you don’t know what that is, then go to https://marriagemissions.com/choosing-marriage-friendly-counselor/. You will want a counselor who is marriage friendly, AND is competent in counseling those who are in step parenting situations. The purpose is to get you and your wife on the same page, so you can stand together in the parenting of these children. This would be good for your marriage, and good for those kids. Mixed messages confuses them and does harm, as well. If you don’t know where to go, please consider asking the ministry of Focus on the Family at Focusonthefamily.com to guide you to one in your area. Also, you may find articles to help you in the Remarriage topic of this web site, as well as ministry links that could guide you to someone to help you. Please do this ASAP. It’s important to the health of your marriage, and your family life.

    2. I am in the same position to the point the eldest has gone as far to increase the division by raising my less permissive parenting style as a child protection issue with his school. No action taken (none needed) but the fact that it has been raised has precipitated my wife to file for divorce and move out with all the kids. The eldest has been increasingly manipulative to ruling the roost for his own gains without fully understanding the implications, with my wife hearing only his side. When I try to share my view I am constantly interrupted with sentences and thoughts completed for me.

  2. I can agree much here with this article. I have married my wife twice, currently we are separated again and possibly going to divorce again. My wife is married to her children; She has 2 from her first husband and a third from a former boyfriend. I love my wife and respect her. I love her children as my own blood. I am not appreciated for all the cooking, cleaning, house maintenance that I do. I cook daily for her children and then cook a separate meal for my wife (and serve her that meal in bed) so she can come home to relax.

    I watch how she she puts her children before me, and our dog. I am not on the list; I am the 5th wheel, the outsider. I am quite lonely and when I try to talk to her about it, I am at fault. So far I am made to believe that I am controlling (a nazi) because I want to teach her narcissistic, entitled children responsibility. I am not a man, I am not happy and a miserable person, I am also told I have mental issues and am paranoid. I am not allowed to reprimand because my wife will undermine me, she will constantly point my faults out to her children and when there is an argument make sure they are on her side and ostracize me. You would think that in our first marriage that I would have learned, that everything is my fault and I am to blame for all their heartaches and problems. She wants to work things out but it is me who needs to change and not them.

    I am a God fearing and Bible believing man that believes in the structure of marriage according to His word. My wife “claims” to be saved but I must admit I do not see it. I know it will be sin for me to divorce her. I am living separately from her and am lonely. I will say that I was lonelier living in that house. I felt like a slave to them. I work hard and come home and work harder and clean up after her kids while they are allowed to do nothing. I am tired and I feel as though she wants a slave to her children and her house. But like she says, my thinking is all messed up and her love for me is different than her love for her children. She is always too busy for me, always has something to do around the house, but she seems to never get anything done. Actions speak louder than words as I live by. Please forgive me Lord for always failing you.

    1. Jeff, time for a time consuming hobby, gold or a big motorcycle. Play guitar in a band. It’s something you can do with other guys who have been dissed by their wives.

    2. Jeff, I could have written this exactly word for word. Exactly. A man becomes The Man when he is treated that way by those around him. My partner spends so much time on FB to her son, and denies it, but often leaves her daughter’s to emotionally fend for themselves. Even her male dogs come way above me in the pecking order. Women are all about feelings I hear, yet my partner rarely asks me the simple question “how are you, how’s your day?” In fact it is often difficult to even have a conversation with her. I can spend two weeks working on thinga in the house, but her son gets massive credit for turning up for 1 day’s help. He’s 30, stays in the family home when not working away (irregular work), pays no rent, bills, or anything else. Spends most days in bed. When I come in they are usually together, often arguing over some trivial matter, to the extent I dont get seen.

      I have even come home and gone out again without them noticing I was ever there. A third wheel for sure. When he isn’t there things are so much differerent. I am the MAN then. We are in the process of moving a long distance for work, I have made sure he knows he is not invited to stay. Already he is planning for a month over Christmas. Not happy. Part of my problem is that I am of a lesser build so feel less confident, despite being the only real breadwinner who pays for everything. I get little credit for it. Just feel like a bank.

      I read somewhere that (some) women respect men that are more mysterious, stronger in giving orders, who are more demanding and less eager to please or less “submissive”. In a woman’s eyes there is no gap between willing to help and being submissive. It’s the same thing. Being submissive loses you your respect. I am working on saying less about what I do, where I go, and with whom. I make a point of saying no to something on a very regular basis, even if my partner and her son then gang up on me. It earns some respect. I am working out, and eating masses to increase my build. I am going to try to lead from the front and set the agenda, instead of following her random last minute plans that often fail and I get the blame for. And get some hobbies outside of the house, away from it. While this is not the “natural” me, I will have to learn to act up to the job. But most of all, I need to put some distance between us and her son. I just pray things will work out after our move. Good luck to you too Jeff.

  3. My wife and I have been married for 14 years with 3 children from 8-13 yrs old. I love her more than anything but since kids our marriage is growing significantly apart. She had a very abusive mother as a child then at a young age was raised by her father. We’ve always joked over the years that sometimes our roles are reversed in our relationship. I like to sit by her, hold hands, kiss and just be with her. She doesn’t like any of that. I can’t remember if she’s always been that way or not.

    I see her putting 100% of her effort into only the kids to avoid becoming her mother, which she is absolutely nothing like. She is a great mother but her attention to just the kids leaves me completely out of the picture. It’s not even just me but finances, working, the house etc all take a far back seat. We disagree on some things because she focuses on today and not long term affects of the children especially when it comes to our relationship. For example I know that the long term affects on our children if we split are far more damaging than date night or making them sleep in their own room or putting them to bed early…etc.

    A few years ago I got up late and was running late to leave for her parents (step mom and dad) for Thanksgiving. While in the shower she asked how long I would be and I said 15-20 mins. After getting the 3rd degree she just left with the kids. Til this day she sees nothing wrong with her actions and it was my fault. Being late and the kids missing 20 mins of thanksgiving was more detrimental to the kids than not having their father there with them. To do something like that would never in a million years even cross my mind.

    Sex gets to the point of hurry up and lets get this over with, which is about twice a month. She says I’m way too sexually active and it’s not right to do it more than that anyway. I on the other hand would like it more and do get to the point where I hate “just getting it over with.” We fight about that and sometimes I’m just quiet and do it anyway because I know it could be weeks/month or even more. I know that is wrong but I have tried non sexual touches and not bringing up sex and it went several months with no change and I caved.

    I can’t seem to find a way to bring her back into the relationship without sounding selfish. I am very active in our kids as well. Coaching, school, discipline etc and I have perfect kids. They are funny, smart, very kind, very well behaved, get great grades, athletic and so on. We’ve argued about this several times and it’s always something different as the excuse. I work too much, the business is too stressful, finances or whatever is going on in our life at that time. We never get to the root of the problem, just the symptoms that got us there. For the first time in 16 years I’ve thought about separating but I can’t be without my kids. I need a deeper relationship that I’m afraid I’ll never have. Looking for suggestions!

    1. I am sorry to hear all of this. This happens frequently, like child worship. Its like the woman’s primary goal is to be a mother not a wife. You see it over & over. Maybe the woman is trying to make up what she did not get when she was young. Sex? Another tough one. Seems the more you ask, the worse the rejection. She says too much? How old are you guys? Early late 30’s 40’s? She could be becoming premenopausal. Hate to tell you this, things may go downhill for a few years until hormones straighten out. Does she work? Sounds like she does not. She has too much time to think about children. Like I tell other guys, you need a time consuming hobby, golf, guitar, fishing, a big motorcycle, something that will get you out of the house on weekends. You will find other guys with the same issue.

  4. When it comes to your children that you bore in pain, labor, from your body, your flesh and blood, the little babies… that depend on their mother…they win hands down every time! Men are grown men…if you don’t help cook and clean up after your kids or wipe their poopy butts who else does it? Mom! Mom is the most important job!

    Men are just husbands or boyfriends that is conditional love, that love changes over time. Let me ask, most people in their 50s love their mothers right? When dad is dead and gone it’s the kids that take care of the mother in her 80s. There is a special bond when it comes to mothers and daughters… and/or their kids. How can u as a 2nd husband expect to come first over her kids? You are joining her family her children were there before you!

    1. So basically, what I believe I hear you saying is that a man is just a good sperm donor. You marry them, and then put them in the back seat once you have “your” kids. “Mom” is the most important job. Husbands are inferior because of the “conditional love” that is given to them once they give their sperm to produce your children. And dads are just there to stand behind the mother as a convenience to the mother who has this “special bond” given to mothers and daughters and/or their kids. Did I read this wrong? I hope so. I’m hoping I am viewing your take on husbands differently than you meant to give it.

      Personally, I’ve found that even though I have always been more of the nurturing parent, my husband is a VERY important part of our (now grown) sons lives. They have as “special” of a bond as I do. It’s not the same; it’s different. But it’s just as important. And as far as “conditional love” for my husband, I didn’t give that vow on my wedding day. I didn’t put conditions on my love when I said my vows. I gave promises to my husband, and to God in front of the witness of everyone who came to our wedding. Yes, things change, but through intentionality, our love has grown deeper and more meaningful than anyone could ever imagine. We’ve worked on that. We’ve weathered many tough times, but we’re committed to each other, and we’ve grown through those tough times. I love this man — the father of OUR children more than ever before.

      Now that our sons are grown and have families of their own, guess what? It’s back to being my husband and I being together most of the time. Our sons and their families are in and out of our home (but always in both of our hearts). They are growing their own marriages and family life. I’m glad that I put intentionality into growing my relationship with my husband while our sons were growing. I made a vow and I intend to keep my end of that covenant promise. And this has been a great example to our sons. They have great marriages and are very committed to each other, AND to their children… teaching them that love in marriage is an important thing to grow. I want my “children” and their children to grow good marriages AND families. I hope that is true for you too.

      1. Your kids are your family no matter what! No! You misjudged everything I said. A man and woman must respect each other…but in order for his wife to take a little back seat is for the husband to step up; let him cook the dinners, bathe the kids clean their noses, etc. Children need love. Their brains are developing, they are small and innocent; but a husband is a grown man whom had his own mother take care of him when he was little. It should be a man and woman together putting the kids first, like if your house is burning….a woman will never forgive you if you saved her first over the screaming helpless 3 year old child…whose life has just begun. The day you become a mother your children are your legacy…we wouldn’t survive if our mothers ignored us to only please the men in their life.

        Let me tell you this, some women are deeply in love with a man; maybe he is a 2nd or 3rd husband and her kids aren’t his, but her kids were her family before he was or vice versa to a woman….if her kids feel unloved and cared for they grow up looking for mother figures in all the wrong places. If a man sexually abuses her child and she sides with him or makes it clear that my new husband comes before you (children) well they may feel rejected, so if bad things happen to them…well mommy won’t listen to me! Mommy won’t believe me. Then in the end the woman loses her adult children. The kids can end up dysfunctional from abuse. These are the ones that will live and work in society.

        Loving your husband is important but it’s a selfless act to love your children more…they are the ones going to make a difference in the world and out live both parents. But it’s selfish for a man to make her choose or not to put the children he also created first. You can have a great relationship as a couple, but when a man yells or calls a name to his wife or GF what happens? Love can change! It’s conditional….if he cheats or the wife cheats? But when your children are mad at you and say…mom you are mean, I hate you! You will still love them. If they called you a name it will hurt like hell but the love at the end of the day is still unconditional….why? Cause they will always be your babies no matter how old they get! When I look at my little girl all I see is that little baby the first time she came out of me crying. I’m a mom I know.

        If someone’s not happy there is the door! Period! A mother or a father should not be selfish to love each other more…don’t create a life if you feel that a grown man who is able bodied should come first, cause again….the child will suffer for life! I have heard and seen too many.

        1. Wow…This post is a ringing endorsement for me as a man not to get married. I am 31 years old and semi-retired (own some rental properties). I know a lot of women that hold this view and I would never want to be married to them. Single is the way to go for a man like me.

          1. Well that’s good for you. Stay single and die alone maybe no one will want your seed anyway….with no children to take care of you when you are old. I work with an eye doctor and believe me when I say I see a lot of old people coming in with their adult children mostly daughters helping both parent to and from the doctors offices. Rarely do I see two 80 something year olds going in together as they barely can take care of their own self, it’s hard enough to take of your own self if one has a back problem or can’t walk fast enough. When your wife is too old or dead to help take care of you those kids that you resent so much…bare the ones that step in! In the end it’s only one of you left and so another reason why kids come first I guess lol. The animals even do it!

        2. Nah bro! I got the same impression from your first post as Cindy did.

          My soon to be ex wife was exactly like that, put me last when the first child was born. Guess who’s lonely now? I can tell you, it isn’t me, since I was told to “deal with it.”, I did deal with it and did something about it for myself.

          Again, now the kids are older and doing their own thing, guess who’s complaining now about not getting attention.

          Oh well, stinks to be her right now…

          1. Lol…or maybe she’s a lucky woman now! She’s got her friends and can hit the town on the weekends and have fun. A lot of single beautiful attractive women in their 50’s these days love their freedom! Free to take yoga classes, hang out with the gf’s, date nights, meet new people, vacation, buy a condo…you know visit friends family etc…lots to do besides only husband & sex…it’s not end all or rocket science there is more to do in life and life goes on even if your relationship ends. Oh wait, then comes the grandkids grandma spoils…or should I say GlamMa! So her kids are grown….now she has a bit of time for self pampering before grand babies show up…daughters always look to their mothers for advice. 80% of the time anyways lol.

        3. I’m a guy and I have to admit your first paragraph says it best. I would be happy to find a wife that prioritizes the kids. As long as we don’t disrespect each other and provide the respective needs for the kids (discipline and nurture) I would be proud of the kids if they turn out well.

      2. Kids are first. Priority. I’d say the dad is usually not doing what he should as a parent. If he were he wouldn’t have time to be sorry for himself.

      3. Amen! My husband and I are a team. God first, marriage strength second, kids third. This doesn’t mean we wouldn’t take care of it if one of our children had an emergency. This just means that for the overall strength of the family, our marriage is more important than pleasing the kids.

    2. Jenny from Canada, the Bible says that a man should leave his mother & father & be joined to his wife. We are called to be husbands & wives first. Not parents first. The Bible has more references to marriage than raising children. Mainly training & discipline for children. Not being married to your children. You said mom is the most important job, please do not discount us dads. Our children love us dads too. Please remember these children will grow up & will need to be pushed out of the nest to be mentally healthy. My son-in-law is babied & worshiped by his mother. That caused him to be selfish, lazy, no consideration of others, priorities mixed up. He expects his wife & mother to do everything. What few things he does, he acts like it is the greatest thing. Your children will grow up & move out (hopefully) & maybe move across the country or be in the military. You will need your husband then, so be nice & respect him now.

      1. Not everyone follows the Bible word for word….don’t compare 3000 years to now. Aren’t children gifts from God? There are many religions in the world. Now many older ladies end up living with their mothers once her husband dies? And or divorce? Etc. There are many types of families out there and to each one is different! I will be fine without my husband if he does wrong to me….and vice versa….I have my good friends, family, children, nieces and nephews, cousins whom I am all close to. I have a lot of friends and family to occupy my time with. I have a job and can get involved in many activities…..we have an understanding at home between us children first! But we love each other but we both have contact with them you are parents so should we leave our parents? Who does that? Walk away and never look back? No! Stop quoting Bible passages when my 2nd comment made total sense!

        1. Hebrews 13:8, New International Version (NIV) 8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Sure children are gifts from God, Psalms 127, but you just said that no one believes the Bible word for word; Psalms was written 3000 years ago. Why believe that verse & not ones about marriage? Other religions? Sure, some believe cows & monkeys are gifts from God & are holy. You said “I will be fine without my husband” gee, he is way down the food chain in your eyes. But hey, to each their own…

        2. All of you women need to go read Isaiah 3:12, then kindly step out of your man’s way.

  5. I feel this way when my husband gives his 35 year old son (from a previous marriage) money and not me! His son is able to work, but his son wastes his hard earned money on his meth addiction, and my husband has to bail him out by always paying his rent. And I’m unable to work because of a disability due to a car accident and have to depend on my husband for money which I don’t ever get. Because my stepson always comes first. We’re always fighting about the money situation, because my stepson is allowed to contiune doing what he’s doing with the drugs because he’s got daddy to help him out (a 35 year old working man can’t pay his own rent) Thank God I don’t do drugs whatsoever and it’s like my husband doesn’t trust me to have money at all.

  6. That’s my wife, she will even text our son when I’m fixing to tell him to pick his stuff up or walk his dog more than 2 minutes. The kids sits in front of the TV and on their phones for hours. They have to be told to do each thing. She gets mad if I say anything. She will take them out to and never offer. Our marriage sucks, I feel alone sitting with them most of the time.

  7. The majority of males are such babies. That’s the problem. lol. They see the kids like competition. Hellllooo “petty”.

  8. Wow! Thanks to everyone for the discussion and comments! I’ve learned a lot from reading these. I’m sorry but I’ve had to leave out any religious contexts. I was having trouble adjusting to my new lady friend’s family…and they to me. I could feel their resentment towards me. I’ve puzzled on this as I’ve bent over backwards (in all respects) to accommodate what their fears may have been.

    I liked the CANADIAN comments… YOU ARE JOINING THE FAMILY…HER CHILDREN WERE THERE BEFORE YOU. HOW CAN YOU EXPECT TO COME FIRST ETC, ETC. THEY WIN HANDS DOWN EVERY TIME! Quite honestly I didn’t realize how naive I am/have been; I’VE GIVEN HER 100, dare I SAY 1000%, But still I get placed in her pecking order:

    1) her little dog… nice enough
    2) her drug addicted daughter, plus wayward grandson no father around!
    3) Very likeable but possessive son and wife plus cool grandkids
    4) well established friends …way down the line is me!!!

    I’ve helped her in every respect but I’ve just now realized I can’t make a go of it. Sad, because we gotten on so well in her own words ‘when were alone.’

    I HAVE A GREAT LIFESTYLE…HEALTHY, FINANCIALLY SECURE, My own family the same I HAVE LOTSA HOBBIES: YOGA, BANJO, OWN ART STUDIO, TRAVEL. I think i`ll go along with BULGARIAS comments from now on! Thanks again for the discussions – input very helpful

  9. My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. He was widowed and I was divorced. We both have adult children who are all employed and living on their own. My kids have been very successful in their lives and my husband resents it. He puts them down to me all the time and says they are stupid (two Masters degreed adults!). He does not want them in my life. He resents when I go visit them (they live in another state) and wants all my attention even when I am visiting them. We are planning on moving to the same state as our kids (my two and one of his kids) so we can be near our grandchildren. He will have nothing to do with my one grandchild or my daughter/son in law and my son. I get along great with his daughter and consider her, her husband and their 3 kids my own. My husband’s son is estranged from him.

    My husband wants me all to himself. He does not like to socialize with many people and even those in his inner circle are treated suspiciously by him at times. Just recently our cabin flooded out and we had quite a mess. He was very upset because no one in our church made a big deal about it. So in his mind they “hate” him and he wants to turn his back on that church.

    I am at my wit’s end. He can be a very loving person but the last few years have been just awful. He has so much anger in him and it gets dumped on me. My kids have always been kind to him but he declares he can’t have a relationship with them because they are more liberal (like most their age) and he is very conservative. I think it is just an excuse and that he might feel intimidated by them since they grew up privileged and have had the opportunities to get a good education.

    I want to do everything I can to help this situation but my husband is adamant about this. I do not want to have to choose between my husband and my kids/grandchild!!! But that is exactly what he wants me to do. If I choose him, I won’t get to see them or enjoy any time with them. If I choose them, then I am a terrible wife.

    I don’t know what to do. I want to leave him but feel like that is the wrong thing to do. But staying is making me miserable too.

    1. Your children and grand children are your flesh of your flesh and blood! They were the life you had before him and still have. These are your babies! If he is making you this unhappy you will end up stressed and alone. He calls your babies stupid with degrees? Why on earth would you stay with a man like that? He wasn’t there when they were growing up; he is telling you to stop seeing these children of yours….they are another mans children now you are with me forget the old life with your children and only focus on me! He doesn’t accept your children and wants you alway from your bio grandchildren! It’s that simple. Choose!

      1. Children are flesh and blood, but not no longer ‘babies’. Your husband needs to accept that these are you children, but you have to accept that you (wife) are his treasure. The Bible says that when a man finds a wife he finds a ‘good thing.’ Also, a man is supposed to leave this mother & father and be joined with his wife. So, you need a balance of giving your husband quality time too.

        1. If the children were there before the man…the children are first! If your first love were the children you had before meeting the man then who comes first? The kids! Obviously you have no children because if you were a single father with a little cute daughter or a son and had that child and raised that child, loved the child first you can’t put a partner or lover above that. There is a bond between a mother and child before the husband. It depends if the kids were there before u or after u? Get it?

          1. I’m not sure this is biblical. It sounds good, but I’m not thinking this is biblical. And just because it makes sense to us, it doesn’t mean that we should do it. Marriage is a sacred commitment. So is parenting. But don’t remarry if you can’t mix the two in a healthy way. Yes… the children should be a priority, but the logistics of how that works together in the marriage should be worked out before the marriage. It isn’t something that is imposed upon the other spouse after marrying. It would be like a bait and switch arrangement. The couple seems cemented as a solid couple before marrying, but then afterward the kids are squeezed in between them. (And kids are good at making that happen, even if it doesn’t ultimately benefit them.) That’s really not a good idea at all to switch things like that. Making vows as a husband and wife is a voluntary thing. Don’t make them if you aren’t willing to carry them out.

            This matter may even be something that can be worked through together with a counselor before marrying. The counselor can help the couple work out the boundaries and rules for making the family dynamics work. This way everyone is on the same page. If the couple agrees to these matters, then all is in a MUCH better place. There will always be surprises. Kids have a tendency to add drama after their parent marries. But if boundaries are determined ahead of time and the commitment is there on both parts to work together on making the relationship work, despite opposition, then it can work out fine. It might get dramatic for a time, but make the determination to work through every obstacle.

            The couple may need to visit the counselor afterward again if things go in an unhealthy direction. It’s something to agree upon before marrying–then both spouses will be committed to making the marriage healthy for all. Don’t marry if you aren’t willing to be committed to the marriage relationship. Do what it takes to make parenting AND the marriage work. Otherwise, don’t marry.

  10. Let me set the backdrop of our lives together. Nearly 30 years ago my wife’s first husband was tragically killed in a work accident leaving her with three small children under 4. About a year earlier, I had become a heartbroken, divorced minister, with no children, who was no longer working in full time Christian service. I was lost, confused and experimenting with worldly pursuits. In my heart, I always felt I would someday return to ministry and possibly even restore my first marriage. But at the moment, I was masking my pain with wine, women and song. We met one night in a supper club just a few months after her husband had passed. We began dating that night and I have never been with another woman since.

    Early on in our relationship I struggled with the fact that unlike my ex-wife, my new girlfriend had no real “spiritual” ambitions. She wasn’t anti-Christian, but she wasn’t a preacher’s wife material either. Nevertheless, we continued to date and moved in together within four months. I began to see myself raising these babies as my own. Throughout that first year together I struggled with what I was doing … to her, to me but most frightening … the kids. They were now calling me “Dad”. I knew I had to make a decision to either go all in and press her for a marriage, or get away ASAP, for fear of how I might harm the kids emotionally. I committed to her and although I am 10 years her senior, we married soon afterward.

    Fast forward 25 years. I have been a moderately successful businessman and a part time Bible teacher. When the kids were growing up, (we had one more together who is now a Jr. in college), we were always on the go with their activities and interests. We both recognize that we never came together because of our “romantic attraction” to one another, but more because of our love for the kids and our ease of getting on with one another. We just don’t fight, for the most part. But, we have no real retirement plans for “life” after the kids are grown.

    Today, I’m 60, she is 51 and I’m wanting to plan our sunset years together doing things that we both love … cooking, entertaining, teaching and writing (me) etc. However, we now have 3 grandchildren and a new one due next month. They are all within an hour of us and my bride is completely consumed with being as deeply immersed into their lives as possible. Her days are filled with “them” and rarely “us”; and so much so, that she will spend our last dime to get them a treat or some new clothes that she believes will please them. Our finances have gone awry and I am growing closer to retirement and broke at the same time. But, she is fixated on being a great “Nana” above all else.

    I’ve tried talking to her from both the practical and theoretical views of “why” her behavior isn’t really good for any of us … including our kids and grandkids. But, so far it hasn’t caused her to pause and reconsider her present behavior at all. I feel like I am just a source of income for her, so she can be super Nana, and my days of producing a good income are closing fast. At the rate we are going, I will be broke and over hill at the same time. Not fun to consider.

    I’m tired, frustrated and afraid, but I can’t find a way out without her help. What do I do?

    1. Hi, GL. It’s good that you have a grasp of what needs to be done. But at your age a “grasp” is not enough when it comes to having a financial plan to live out your golden years and not be poor.The best recommendation I can give you is that you and your wife need to find a Financial Peace University seminar in your area, and take it. This is based on Dave Ramsey’s many years of research and work helping couples get out of debt and setting up a plan that can meet your needs. Here’s the link to get information: https://www.daveramsey.com/fpu?ectid=30.16.1702. We also have a number of articles, suggested resources & testimonies on our web site pertaining to finances that would be helpful to prepare the two of you for looking at this situation through God’s eyes. Just click on the Finances In Marriage topic.

      You may also have to have a “come to Jesus” talk with your wife and show her on paper what your financial future will be IF you both do not get on board and bring spending and saving under control. If you had unlimited income coming in then there’s no problem with her showering gifts on your kids and grandkids. But, as a family unit, you CANNOT spend like the government (who continues to print money money) because there are real consequences for bad spending habits.

      One suggestion you may consider is to tell her that if she wants to have money for the kids/grandkids, she’ll need to get a part-time job to be able to pay for those “discretionary” expenses…but they can’t come out of the household general fund.

      I retired last year after 38 years in a full time para-church ministry. So, you know we weren’t “rich” by the world’s standards when I retired. But because my wife Cindy has been a disciplined “saver/spender” her entire life, we had been able to pay off our mortgage, paid off our cars and was able to install solar on our house. We owe no one and have no utility payments; so with our modest retirement income, and with God’s grace we know we can make it.

      You and your wife can do it too, GL, but it won’t be easy and it will take a united front from both you and your wife. So, I strongly urge you to look into Ramsey’s program. It’s the best I’ve seen to accomplish what you guys need . . . and hopefully want to accomplish as a couple. Blessings! ~Steve Wright

    2. You said, “My bride is completely consumed with (them)… Her days are filled with “them” and rarely “us”; “you were always on the ‘go’ for them””. Sorry dude, the 1st set of children were in the picture before you were. Plus you have a child centered marriage. This will NEVER change. You need to accept it. “She is fixated on being a great ‘Nana.’” That will never ever change. Give her a budget. You need a good time consuming hobby. Golf, big motorcycle…

    3. Ok, for child-centrism marriage, it will and can change to husband centrism marriage. After all, that’s what is marriage is about–to marry your spouse, not your children. So, children shouldn’t be more important than your spouse. The spouse is the primary so it doesn’t assume that nana needs to love their grandchildren more than the spouse, or it causes problems. After all, you both have problems, so it is not fair. Maybe she is not aware she causes you problems. And you’re not aware that her love for the children is more important than loving you and it causes problem.

      Well, it is the same as loving you more than children. But it is better to love you more than the children because it is about true love, so you love her for her in unconditional love, not conditional love that is her children. So, you must love love, to be accurate to love unconditionally. Love that is, nana is willing to love her grandchild, so it is assumed as an unconditional love, but it is not unconditional love, because nana is bonded by blood. The first love to children is the constant love to children and will be the same forever.

      Whatever conditional reason for love, changes to unconditional love, so it is about need. After all, you have the need that your wife needs to attend to when there is a problem. So you let her know the need so she will adjust accordingly and change to love you more by listening to you and making it easier on you. It is not fair that it is more ok to be willing to make it easier on the children but not spouse. That is selfish, and is a double standard. It is better to love the spouse more than loving the children more because the spouse will feel connected to their children more than children feel connected to the parent. That is because children feel connected to parents for a short time. But parents will feel connected to children for a longer time because of blood ties.

      Also, that is even more important what marriage will give that is faith-love, which if there is little love, you still love them. That means it didn’t disappear as long as there is a little love shown per day, so you have time for love. It is same as study, which it is better to study all at once before test next day or study little every day before the test on final day. It is about ratio of time and love-time.

      You say that you came together because of the kids. That means you didn’t marry for love but for the kids. So there is no hate or anything, but it is more that you like your wife and your wife likes you, but you love your children. That is a problem. Maybe it changes, but it can change more to higher love on the same level or seemingly the same level that you have for the children, meaning you attend to the children, the same as you attend to your spouse.

      Talk to your wife and use stories to make your wife understand. Then talk to your children or grandchildren, so they talk to your wife because your spouse loves the kids more so they will listen more and change to make it easier for you. That doesn’t mean that you love your spouse more but ignore your children. The same is with your children that love you but you ignore your spouse.

      So, behind everything working is what love is. Nana needs to understand that is how to grow the love that is true love, which is not bound by anything, but love, which is willing to love.

  11. In this piece you have given solution to the person who is not giving attention to her husband intentionally/unintentionally or due to other reasons; but what about those who (a wife) is intentionally behaving that way and completely isolating her husband without legally separating the relationship? I would highly appreciate your comments in that direction.

  12. How is it that we are expected to wear so many hats? Its exhausting. I work a full time job, which in itself is very stressful and demanding (16 hour shifts); I am in school to finish my degree that he asked me to do and I take care of his and our kids every need. It is my second marriage and his third. He doesn’t have a close relationship with his daughters although one of them lives with us half the time. I am the one who has the deep conversations and spends the majority of time with them.

    Don’t get me wrong, he does a lot with work and he does help when I ask. But he expects me to be able to just have everything done and effortlessly. I just cry sometimes. I don’t feel equipped or have an ounce of energy left in me for time with him. He also doesn’t like my child for some reason. She is very sweet and quiet and will do anything she is told and does her chores. She is respectful and begs for his attention but he ignores her most of the time. His daughter is rude and very hateful and is not good to us for the most part but he seems to bend over backwards to make her happy.

    He accuses me of babying my daughter but in reality and confirmed by our therapist, we have a normal mother-daughter relationship and she is nurtured and feels supported and loved by me. I just don’t know how I am supposed to do it all and after seeing how he treats my daughter, give him my undying love and attention. I have and am always willing to meet his physical needs. I talk to him sweetly and try to be patient and loving. I try to talk to him about how he treats my daughter but then it always turns into an argument. This makes me turn off emotionally to care that he feels respected or significant. He has an anger problem and yells and says things no one should ever say. So how do I get back to wanting to make him feel these things? He isn’t the person he said or portrayed himself to be.

    1. So sorry Anonymous didn’t get any help here. Hope she is out of this situation now, for both herself and her daughter’s sake.

  13. It’s a voice of calling in a jungle. Women always put children first and husbands are only for money and help in the house.