How do you deal with your own anger? You realize that you take your anger to sinful places, and you want to change. What can you do? Here’s one man’s question on this matter and then Dr Tim’s answer afterward, that you may find helpful:
“I’ve been an angry man for years. In fact, I was even angry as a child. I’d rant and rave, stomp, pout, hold my breath, and throw all sorts of temper tantrums,” Richard said with a strong, firm voice.
“As an adult I’ve destroyed one relationship after another with my anger. I swear at all the idiot drivers on the road and the stupid pedestrians who think they can cross the street anywhere. I have no patience with sales people, and I don’t trust those in authority. In the past I’ve beaten my wife and children. I just can’t seem to control my temper. How do I deal with all this anger?”
It’s a Step by Step Process
The first step in learning how to deal with your anger is wanting to change. Until a person really wants to do something about their anger problem, the situation won’t change.
The next step is to determine which of the two major divisions of dealing with anger we’re talking about. We can deal with anger either before we have the “feelings” of anger or after we have them.
“Preventative maintenance” is one of the best ways to deal with anger. You will take an important and positive step forward, if you can stop your anger before it gets started. There are many different things you can do to work on this area of your life:
• You may find it helpful to establish a plan for reading in your aspect of need.
A good place to start would be to get into a Bible study, which deals with anger issues. Follow this by doing a study on forgiveness, and then one on the subject of having patience.
• You can avoid angry outbursts by avoiding situations that trigger your anger.
Agreed, it’s best to resolve anger-producing situations, but this isn’t always possible. In that case, reduce the contact to a minimum. You need to learn to premeditate your pressure points. “To be forewarned is to be forearmed”, as the adage says.
Do not associate with a man given to anger;
Or go with a hot-tempered man.
Lest you learn his ways,
And find a snare for yourself. (Proverbs 22:24-25, NASB)
• Realize that you’re responsible to choose how you’ll respond in anger-producing situations.
No one “makes you angry.” Anger is your response to others’ actions. You make you angry. If you’re going to attend a party and know ahead of time that someone will be there who doesn’t like you or whom you don’t care for, you can ask for God’s guidance. He will help you to respond as you should. If you’re willing.
It might be helpful to relax a bit. Perhaps you have been taking life too seriously. Consider that the problems aren’t as big as you think they are. Perhaps it would be good for you to develop a sense of humor. If we sometimes take a step backward, we can see the humorous side of life and of what we think are impossible problems.
You might learn to ask yourself questions like What would Jesus do in this situations? How would He respond? Do I need to get angry? Will anger help me to handle the issue or conflict any better?
• Ask God to help you to learn how to control your tongue.
Someone has said, “The tongue is in a wet place and easily slips.” The key for controlling your tongue is to plan ahead. Decide before you get into a stress situation that you won’t speak to hurt and destroy the other person. God will give you the strength to do this is this is your desire.
In James 3:2-18 we read:
“For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well. Now if we put the bits into the horses’ mouths so that they may obey us, we direct their entire body as well. Behold, the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder, wherever the inclination of the pilot desires.
So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold, how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.
For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed, and has been tamed by the human race. But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father; and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way.
…Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. for where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace (NASB).”
• Determine that you will be honest and loving whenever possible.
Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood. But who can stand before jealousy Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:4-6)
Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. (Ephesians 4:25)
Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice is unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. … But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 13, all NASB)
• An important step in dealing with anger is to face or admit your angry feelings.
Recognize and admit the fact that you are angry. This is very difficult for some people to do. From childhood they were told not to be angry: “Anger is a sin. You are bad if you are angry.” So they began to use other words to describe their angry feelings, because it would be terrible to admit that they were angry. Shakespeare wrote, “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” I would like to say, “Anger by any other name is still anger.”
Listed below are a few of the words we use to express that we are angry when we don’t want to own up to our anger. In reality they only describe the various degrees of anger.
Here’s the list:
Enraged … Repulsed … Disgusted … Sore … Annoyed … Resentful … Furious … Kid … Infuriated … Uptight … Mad … Irritated … Exasperated … Frustrated … Irked …Grieved … Miffed … Worked up … Hurt … Fed Up … Troubled … Vexed … Sick … Offended … Crushed … Burned Up … Incensed … Cranky … Testy … Grumpy … Wounded … Damaged … Provoked … Bitter … Grouchy … Touchy … Mean … Ill-tempered … Out of Sorts … Cross … Vicious … Jealous
Dealing with Anger Mentally:
There are a number of steps listed below that will help you when you become aware of and admit to your anger. They will help you before you verbalize or demonstrate your angry thoughts and feelings.
• Get more information before you respond.
Sometimes we perceive or assume that certain things are happening when they really aren’t. When we get more information, our thoughts and feelings may change. When we have more information concerning an event, many times it will alter the way we feel and respond. We need to learn to ask ourselves, “Are my angry feelings justified or unjustified?”
Technically, an event in and out of itself doesn’t trigger the emotion of anger; it’s actually our perception of the event that triggers the emotion of anger.
The more you perceive that someone is deliberately doing something to harm you or to irritate you, the more angry you will become. If a husband is late for dinner, the wife has a choice. She can perceive or think to herself, “I’m disappointed. I prepared dinner and he didn’t show up on time. I wish things like this wouldn’t happen, but they do. I’ll get over it. I’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose.” Or the wife can choose to say to herself. “He did that on purpose! He wants to hurt me and get revenge! He knew that I would really feel bad about this.”
If the wife thinks about the situation long enough, she can build up a case against her spouse. If the wife chooses to attack her husband, he will probably respond negatively to her attack and say something sharp. This causes the wife to feel justified in her attack, because “You can see how he responded! He’s so mean!” And round and round it goes.
• Go to the memory file.
If you find yourself getting upset with someone, ask yourself, “Who does this person remind me of?” You might ask yourself, “Is this situation that I’m in (and the anger I feel) similar to another situation I’ve been in before?” As you review your memories, you may be surprised as to how much hurt and anger you carry with you, ready to deposit it onto another person.
• Become aware of displaced anger.
I personally believe that 80 – 90% of all anger is displaced anger. By this I mean that we’re angry abut one thing, but we take it out on people unconnected with that. There is usually something else annoying us rather than the present event or person.
Displaced anger is exemplified by the boss who yells at his employee, who then goes home and yells at his wife, who then yells at the child. The child kicks the dog. The dog chases the cat, etc. Are you displacing your anger? Are you transferring your anger to your driving? Because of your angry thoughts, do you press harder on the gas pedal? Do you tickle your children unmercifully and not stop when they ask you to?
Are you playing rougher with your dog than you should? Are you short of patience? Do you find yourself wishing people would hurry up and get to the point in their conversation? Then you may have a great deal of displaced anger. Ask God to help you deal with the real cause of your anger rather than taking it out on others.
• Remind yourself that God is in control.
God is not caught off-guard by what is happening to you. He doesn’t say, “I didn’t know you were going to get angry.” Sometimes God allows unpleasant circumstances and events to come into our lives so that we might grow and learn to trust Him more.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us, and we feel warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. (Romans 5:3-5)
Dear brothers, is your life is full of difficulties and temptations? Then happy, for when the way is rough, your patience has a chance to grow. So let it grow, and don’t try to squirm out of your problems. For when your patience is finally in full bloom, then you will be ready for anything, strong in character, full and complete. (James 1:2-4)
• Tell God how angry you are.
In learning to deal with your anger you may find it helpful to read the Psalms. The psalmist often told God how angry he was. He would tell God that he needed His help. The Psalmist is our example of talking to God about our anger.
I said, “I will guard my ways, that I may not sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle. While the wicked are in my presence.” I was dumb and silent. I refrained even from good; And my sorrow grew worse. My heart was hot within me; while I was musing the fire burned. Then I spoke with my tongue,”LORD, make me to know my end. And what is the extent of my days? Let me know how transient I am.” (Psalm 39:1-4 NASB)
• Learn to deal with the sin of your anger.
Face your anger as sin! The giant step in overcoming anger is to face it squarely as sin in most cases. The minute you try to justify it, explain, it, or blame someone else, you are incurable. I’ve never known anyone to have victory over a sin unless he was convinced it was wrong! This is particularly true of anger. Consider God’s commands to “Cease from anger and forsake wrath.” God also commands, “Let all bitterness and anger be put away from you.”
• Confess every angry thought or deed as soon as it occurs.
This is a giant step based on 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (NASB)
• Ask God to take away this angry habit pattern.
1 John 5:14-15 assures us that if we ask anything according to the will of God. He not only hears us, but also answers our requests. It is not God’s will that we be angry. To gain victory we ask Him to take away the habit pattern of anger. Although secular man may remain a slave to habit, the Christian must not. We’re admittedly victims of habit; but we need not become addicted to patterns of conformity. The power of the Spirit of God is at our disposal.
Unless you let the power of God within you change your thinking patterns, your condition will gradually ruin your health, mind, business, family, or spiritual maturity. In addition, it grieves the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30), robbing you of the abundant life that Jesus Christ wants to give you.
• Deal with anger verbally:
Some anger issues can be dealt with, within our own minds, between ourselves and God. There are other anger issues that need to be dealt with verbally. Dealing with anger verbally isn’t learned over-night; it’s a process. When expressing angry feelings verbally, it will be good to remember some of the following thoughts:
• Learn to discipline your mind.
Think about what you’re going to say before you say it. Don’t just start talking, because it might be the best speech you’ll ever regret. Proverbs 10:19 NAS reads, “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” The Living Bible reads, “Don’t talk so much. You keep putting your foot in your mouth. Be sensible and turn off the flow!”
• Don’t put off expressing how you feel for long periods of time.
If something is bothering you and you don’t share this with the person involved, you may find your angry feelings festering. your feelings of mild irritation can grow into the poison of bitterness. “If you are angry, don’t sin by nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry— get over it quickly; for when you are angry you give a mighty foothold to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27, LB).
• Make it a habit not to withdraw into silence.
99 per cent of the problems we face will most likely not go away by themselves. They may go underground, but they don’t go away.
• Be open to criticism.
No one enjoys criticism. It is painful and humbling to receive. But the truth is, we could be wrong. “It is a badge of honor to accept valid criticism”(Proverbs 25:12, LB).“If you refuse criticism you will end in poverty and disgrace, if you accept criticism you are on the road to fame” (Proverbs 13:18, LB).
Someone once said, “The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.” “Don’t refuse to accept criticism: get all the help you can“ (Proverbs 23:12, LB).
• Share only one issue at a time.
We usually let things build up until we’re about to explode & don’t usually share how we feel at the time something happens to us. When the time comes to talk with the other party involved, we have a tendency to back up our emotional dump truck and proceed to empty the entire load. Ask God to help you to stick to the main point or issue. Ask Him to help you to resolve conflicts one at a time.
• Don’t use the past to manipulate other people.
It’s easy to bring up past issues or past mistakes in order to make the other person feel guilty for something that’s bothering you now. The past is past! Deal with the present issue. Sometimes we bring up past issues only because our present argument isn’t strong by itself.
• State your hurt or complaint as objectively as possible.
Try to keep as much emotion out of the conversation as possible. Don’t call the other person names as you’re trying to express your disagreement.
• Share your complaint in private, not in public.
No one appreciates talking about personal issues when other people are around. In fact, Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private: if he listens to you, you have won your brother” (NASB).
• Don’t make threats to terminate or leave the relationship.
Stop intimidating and making threats; they don’t help to solve anything. Determine not to run away from the relationship. Commitment is the key quality that is needed in relationships.
• Don’t accuse or attack the other person.
Learn to use “I words” rather than “you words.” I words” are assertive and confronting: “you words” are aggressive and attacking. —“You make me angry! You always do that! It’s you that never does anything right! I know you did that on purpose, didn’t you!” “You words” make me defensive. They make me want to fight and don’t settle issues, but instead stir them up. Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons suggest in their book Your Perfect Right that we use “I” statements such as—“I am very angry”, “I am becoming very mad”, I strongly disagree with you” “I think that’s unfair”.
• Don’t exaggerate the issue.
We sometimes exaggerate the issues in order to prove our case. Deal with the facts, not what we think the motivation of the other person might be. Try to look at the issue from the other person’s point of view. Allow the other person to have his feelings in the same way you have your feelings. Don’t interrupt the other person when he attempts to explain his side of the issue. Listen, and don’t try to prepare your case while he’s talking; you’ll miss what he’s trying to say to you.
• Look for a solution.
Seek reconciliation in the relationship. Is there a way to settle the issue? Ask God to help you find a solution. In James 1:5-9 we read,
“If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you, for He is always ready to give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask Him; He will not resent it. But when you ask Him, be sure that you really expect Him to tell you, when you ask Him. or a doubtful mind will be as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind; and every decision you then make will be uncertain, as you turn first this way, and then that. If you don’t ask with faith, don’t expect the Lord to give you any solid answer” (LB).
• Allow for reaction time.
If you’re the initiator of a discussion, you have the advantage. There’s an advantage, because you’re thinking about the issue for some time before you approach the other person. He’s at a disadvantage, because he most likely hasn’t been thinking about the issue. Give him some “think time.” He needs some time to talk with God and get his own attitude right. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you lie a little reaction time? Extend to him the same courtesy.
This article actually came from an older version of the book, Anger Is a Choice
— ALSO —
We recommend that you look through the following topic to see if there is anything else you can find that will help with this issue:
Filed under: Communication and Conflict Communication Tools
(NIGERIA) This is a life-changing article. I pray that God will continue to renew your strength and give you fresh inspiration. May your own marriage become a point of reference to others.
(CANADA) This is a wonderful and inspiring article. I’m going through a similar situation, and this article gives such sound advice that I will definitely be following. Thank you for sharing this.
I’m looking for workable practical how-tos.
“Do not associate with a man given to anger” Prov 22:24. Comment: Are you then suggesting that I separate from my wife? It doesn’t it say, “do not associate..” How is this possible in a marriage?
Point 2: No one “makes you angry.” So you gave the example of Jesus. I then ask didn’t also He got angry in the temple and overthrew tables? Isn’t this violent anger displayed. Are you then saying He made a choice to be angry?
Point 3: Ask God to help you to learn how to control your tongue? Well, you first said in point 2 that anger was a choice? So how can God help to control our tongue? Didn’t God help Jesus to control His tongue? He spoke to truth as it is to the Pharisees and Sadducees directly and plainly “You Hypocrites!… Whitewashed tombstones!” If I were to say that to my wife for telling lies aren’t I simply following Jesus’ example??
“Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed” – Proverbs 27:4. Just exactly what I’m practicing… and if this is wisdom speaking, then why are things so bitter?
We need to learn to ask ourselves, “Are my angry feelings justified or unjustified?” Anger begins in an instant. If you ever ask yourself this question We need to learn to ask ourselves, “Are my angry feelings justified or unjustified?” you’ll surely say “it surely is justified.”
Go to the memory file. What good does this do? Did scripture tell use to put away all anger and malice. How do you do that??
Tell God how angry you are? I’ve been doing that for over 2.5 years. It just makes be even more angry. This is counter productive to putting away all anger and malice isn’t it?
–They think anger is a sin. an email from Steven and Cindy, suggesting that anger is NOT a sin. This contradicts this article that states “Face your anger as sin!” What’s going on here? Aren’t you confusing your readers? Note, I don’t just read these articles casually I actually study and examine them carefully!
• Don’t put off expressing how you feel for long periods of time. So what do I do? Let that person have it? Give that person a piece of my mind? This then again contradicts the statement, “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.”
“If you refuse criticism you will end in poverty and disgrace, if you accept criticism you are on the road to fame” (Proverbs 13:18, LB). I must be really famous then for taking blame that isn’t mine -why then aren’t I?
• Don’t use the past to manipulate other people. If the past hasn’t been dealt with the present continues to dump to the exiting dump of accumulated pile of hostility and resentment. The pile then just keeps on growing because the present dishes out more than what the past and throw out!
“I am very angry”, “I am becoming very mad”, I strongly disagree with you” “I think that’s unfair.” These words I have used and had no effect… instead the matter is just exacerbated. Even a direct word, “STOP!” does no good. Instead it just invites more hurled abuse! What do I do then?
“If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you, for He is always ready to give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask Him. I wonder why my answers haven’t arrived yet after 2.5 years? A victim of anger and now I’ve learnt her ways and am seeking how to escape its clutches.
Breakfreerut, It would take an immense amount of time to answer all your questions. But I’ll try to address a few of them. Keep in mind that we didn’t write the article (so we don’t know all that Tim LaHaye meant in what he writes), and we’re not experts –God is. So all I can do is tell you what I THINK the author is saying. Ask God to give you discernment on what I’m writing. The first point is scripture. I can’t argue beyond that. But what I believe it means is that you aren’t to make friends (to the best of your ability) with someone who engages anger in sinful ways. I’ve been around argumentative people who are trouble-makers… that’s someone I try not to get close to. Now, when it’s a spouse, you’re in a different place. It could perhaps help you if you try not to engage in arguing with them if they’ve gone over into being contentious and disrespectful. My brother was VERY argumentative –a very angry person who was difficult to be with when he would get that way. I did my best to look for a way to exit the conversation (and his presence) as soon as I could when he was in an argumentative mood. Arguing with him was useless. All I can say is ask God to help you figure out how you can stay out of arguments with your wife, to the best of your ability. One time it might be one way, another time it might be different.
Point 2… There’s a difference between righteous indignation and going to a party and engaging in an argument with someone that you KNOW will be contentious and argumentative. The same is true with a spouse. If you willingly walk into an argument (that you don’t have to) with a hot-headed spouse, or you do something that you know will set your spouse off (when you know you could do otherwise) then don’t be surprised if the situation goes in a bad direction. It shouldn’t… your spouse should not act as she (or he) shouldn’t, no matter what… but do your best to try not to tip things over in a bad direction if you can (so you don’t contribute to helping them to “stumble”).
As far as anger being a sin. Anger in itself is not a sin. We’re told in Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.” So please know that there are ways you can be angry and reasons you can be angry, and not sin… but when it goes into degrading, name-calling, being hot-tempered, and disrespectful then you are giving the enemy of our faith a joy ride and an opportunity to build even more wrong upon this. If you read of the account of Jesus in Matthew 21; Mark 11; Luke 19; and John 2; you will see that he was doing this for holy reasons. He wasn’t being argumentative or saying anything that wasn’t the truth. And the Pharisees knew it… that’s why they wanted to get rid of Him. We’re talking apples and oranges here.
I can’t see into your home to know what’s going on. I can’t see what your wife does and doesn’t do and what you do and don’t do. All I can go by is the little you say here. I’m not all-knowing as to what you should or shouldn’t do with your wife. What works in one situation with one spouse, won’t work for another. And what doesn’t work for one, may work for another. That’s where good counselors come in and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the gleaning principle of applying what might work for you as you read human advice. You’ve obviously tried a lot of things that haven’t worked. If they haven’t… and you have a pretty good indication that they won’t in the future, then don’t keep doing them. Keep praying, asking for guidance as to your next step. Don’t give up. Persevere. I know you have… but please keep doing so. That’s what persevering is. Get into God’s word, pray, fast, and keep looking to God for guidance. I know that 2.5 years seems like forever… and when you’re around someone that’s angry in a sinful way, it can sure seem that way. Please know that my heart goes out to you, truly. But please don’t give up hope that God will show you what to do from one day –one hour to the next. Life on this side of heaven is a journey, and sometimes it’s a very difficult one.
Please read through the various articles in the “Communication and Conflict” and even the “Abuse in Marriage” topics on this web site and beyond, asking God to lead you to what you should read and what you can glean through to try to apply to your relationship with your wife. Throw out the advice that won’t work for YOUR marriage, and apply that, which might. In those times when I’ve walked through hard stuff for long periods of time… some for years and years (and some without an end in sight), I still can gain much when I lean upon the Lord and look to Him in continual relationship… not giving up (as I might be tempted to do). I’m not saying to lean into the pain, but to ask God what to do with the pain, and because of the pain. I pray for you and hope for you that somehow peace can come into your relationship with your wife, and into your home.
Indeed, anger seems to be one of the most misunderstood topics. Some have, I believe, wrongly stated that anger is a sin. Yet Jesus was angry. Even the book of James starts with the admonition to be slow to anger. It doesn’t say don’t be angry, but rather don’t be quickly angry.
In your anger, don’t sin. To me, that doesn’t mean the anger is sin. However, unchecked anger can lead one to choose sinful means of dealing with that anger.