How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle

Husband with Wandering Eye - Dollarphotoclub_56982272

QUESTION: What do you do if you find someone attractive—other than your spouse? What if you find that you have a wandering eye?

ANSWER:

If you find someone attractive, your first line of defense is a proper mind-set, which is this: This attraction threatens everything I hold dear.

It may not appear threatening early in the attraction, when everything seems innocent. Remember, though, that attractions grow quickly and can destroy your marriage. Even if your marriage manages to survive, at the very least the lurking will weaken the foundation of your marriage and rob your wife of your full captivation.

Your second line of defense is to declare, I have no right to think these things. State this to yourself clearly, decisively, and often. You don’t even know this woman; who are you to be attracted to her? Didn’t your Master give you your wife?

The third line of defense is to heighten your alert.What do you normally do when you feel threatened? You take off your jacket and breathe deeply. You ready yourself for what’s coming.

Suppose you’re a bouncer at a dance club, checking I.D.s and tickets, joking with the customers. One night, five men in black leather loudly roar up on motorcycle, looking surly and arrogant. Would you relax and back away from the door? Not on your life. Without hesitation, you’d step up to the door and stand erect, ready to confront the threat.

Consider the old Star Trek television series. What did Captain Kirk do when danger approached? He cried out: Red alert! Shields up!

With your mind-set transformed, you won’t let her near the corral. The attraction will begin to starve, and she’ll drift back toward the horizon. How can you make sure this will happen?

BOUNCE YOUR EYES.

You saw her passing your corral, and you were physically attracted to her. Starve this attraction by bouncing your eyes (which means to “build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from the hot stove”). Don’t dwell on her beauty by stealing glances. Do this with zeal.

AVOID HER.

Sometimes this isn’t possible, but do it when you can. If she works with you, and the two of you are assigned to the same project, don’t ask her to eat lunch with you or offer her a ride home. Avoid opportunities that create positive experiences with her until the attraction phase dies. If she asks you to do something with her, excuse yourself.

WHEN YOU’RE IN HER COMPANY, PLAY THE DWEEB.

Our hero, Dweebman, steps into a nearby public rest room. He emerges as the polyester-clad enemy of all things flirtatious and hip. Dull, mild-mannered Dweebman—pocket protector shielding his heart and hair slightly askew—wages his quiet, thankless war of boring interchange. Our once-threatening Amazon withdraws to undefended sectors. This leaves Dweebman victorious again in his never-ending good fight to stave off the hip and the impure in his galactic empire!

Okay, there’s not that much glory in playing the dweeb. There’ll be no comic-book deals no endorsement deals, no 20/20 interviews with Barbara Walters, but you’ll be a hero to your wife and kids.

A dweeb is the opposite of a player. In relationships, players send and receive social signals smoothly. Dweebs do not. When a player wants to send attraction signals, there are certain things he’ll do. He’ll flirt, banter, and smile with a knowing look. He’ll talk about hip things. In short, he’ll be cool. You were a player at one time, and knew how to feed attractions. You spent your whole adolescence learning how.

Social Suicide

As a married man, however, a little social suicide is very much in order. Always play the dweeb. Players flirt… learn to un-flirt. Players banter… learn to un-banter. If a woman smiles with a knowing look, learn to smile with a slightly confused look, to un-smile. If she talks about things that are hip, talk about things are un-hip to her, like your wife and kids. She’ll find you pleasant enough but rather bland and uninteresting. Perfect.

Sometimes a woman’s attractiveness to you will be mental rather than physical. This is common in work environments as you work with women on projects that interest you both. In business it’s common to spend more hours per day with female coworkers than with your wife. You talk with them about common goals and achieving success, while all you and your wife talk about are the kids’ discipline problems, who’s going to change the dirty diapers, and bills, bills, bills.

As with physically attractive women, you must understand that if your shields aren’t up, and if you don’t recognize the threat to your marriage, you’re flirting with danger.

To summarize:

If you’re attracted to a woman, it doesn’t mean you may never again have any sort of relationship or friendship with her. It only means you must enact your defense perimeters. Once you’ve starved the attractions and she’s a safe distance away, you can have a proper relationship, one that is honoring to your wife and to the Lord.

This article can be found in the excellent book, Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series). It is written by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, and is published by WaterBrook Press. This book shares the stories of dozens who have escaped the trap of sexual immorality. It presents a practical, detailed plan for any man who desires sexual purity. It’s perfect for men who have fallen in the past, those who want to remain strong today, and all who want to overcome temptation in the future. We can’t recommend this book highly enough! It’s powerful!

You can also visit the web site that goes along with this book, Everymansbattle.com. They have some great articles on this web site that could minister to your needs in tremendous ways.

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Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Sexual Issues

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50 responses to “How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle

  1. Good Morning Everyone. My name is Ronelle and i am from South Africa. I have been going through a really turbulent two weeks. With my mum being sick and the whole atmosphere being so heavy at home. Prior to this have been a tough couple of years with the passing of my brother, my sister distancing herself from us, my dad leaving us and years later finding that he had ended up on the streets and just quite a bit of unfortunate things that have happened in our family life. there were often times where i would be so discouraged and say to my mum, “what more could God allow to happend to us” and my mum would say in almost a concerned tone for me not to say that, becuase it could be much worse, as many families lose so much each day. But these past two weeks have been so hard To the point of me actually considering giving up my Sunday School teaching in our local church. I just feel so depressed at times but so exhausted since i have two small kids to provide for as well and my mum who is in and out of depression herself. I joined the gym a while ago to help with the stress and refused the anti depressant medication. I also quite recently noticed my partner glancing at other women from time to time and although i know that it is normal, as most secular sites claim it to be, i wanted to know what Gods thoughts were on the issue and googled exactly that “What does God’s Word say about a wandering eye”. And this site came up. Thank God. The explanation of it all and how we really need to be accountable and take conscious action when we feel we are being tempted to do things that put our relationship in trouble. Thank you so much for this article. Something within my spirit refused to believe that we should just its a normal thing and that its normal if your husband has lustful thoughts as long as they dont touch. and that its crazy for the woman. wife to feel insecure and disrespected and should learn to accept it as part of life or move on.

    I shared this with my partner and i was a bit nervous as to how he would repond. We are both born again believers. I thank God that he was open to listening to me read out the various points and afterward told me that he agrees with all that has been said. I told him that i do understand that for both of us it is normal to notice attractive people but to use these methods and train our minds and heart to submit under the authority of Christ and remember that He has blessed us with each other and we need to consciously work at driving out the worlds temptations. It was something that was adding to the things that worried me, but knowing that he acknowledges how it makes me feel and agrees with how we as a Godly couple should behave for God’s glory, each other and in the sight of our kids, just alleviated so much stress. I thank God for guiding me to your site. And i do know that just as He has delivered me from these fears and continues a good work in my life, He will heal and deliver my mum and family as well.

    Thank you again for this article.