Flirting with Your Spouse

Flirting with Spouse - AdobeStock_213226416Are you still flirting with each other, even though you are married? You DO know that you should not stop romancing each other just because you’re now married… don’t you? And it’s certainly not something you should only do on your anniversary, or Valentine’s Day, or something like that. Saying, “I do” to marry doesn’t mean you say, “I don’t flirt anymore with the person I vowed to dedicate my love to for the rest of my life.”

Now that you’re married you should turn your flirting up all the more with each other. Of course, the following needs to be said too—never, ever should you flirt with anyone other than your spouse. You vowed at your wedding to be exclusive lovers. Flirting with others offends your spouse, and it undermines your marital intimacy. Plus it’s disrespectful towards your spouse, your marriage, and your promises to God. He is all about faithfulness and exclusiveness in marriage.

Are You Still Flirting?

So, once again we ask you… are you still flirting with each other? Here’s a great reminder for all who are married:

“Maybe you’ve been hitched for a few years or a few decades. Whatever the case, the spontaneity, excitement, and general panic you felt on your first few dates has likely been replaced by a familiarity, comfort, and a new brand of panic associated with being the pater familias. It’s natural. But it can make any relationship feel stale. That’s why you need to dust off single you’s best tool. No, not your Club Monico “going out shirt” or Tinder account. …Rather, it’s the ability to flirt.

“’For whatever reason, when we’re married we don’t think we have to or need to do the things we did when we were dating,’ says Fran Greene, a couples counselor and author of The Flirting Bible. ‘Somehow when the commitment is there we feel like we can say, ‘Thank God, I don’t have to do that anymore.’ But it’s the opposite. Shadeen Francis, a marriage and family therapist based in Philadelphia, agrees. ‘Quite often, in couples I work with, the issue is not that partners don’t know how to flirt — they forget to make a habit of it, and they become rusty.’” (Jeff Ashworth, from his article, “Don’t Forget to Flirt With Your Wife …Because sometimes “Hey, yuhwannahavesex?” doesn’t cut it.”)

We love the name of that article. (Look at it again.) Quite frankly, we couldn’t have said what Jeff did any better. (That’s why we gave you his exact quote.) As a matter of fact, you’ll find even more quotes below to give more insight into this matter:

How Do I Flirt?

“I look at flirting as anything you say or do that makes your husband/wife smile at you in a way that makes you smile back. It’s usually personal and something no one else in the room knows is going on but you. Flirting takes stealth, which is why it’s so much fun.” (Debi Walter, from article, “Flirting with Your Spouse 101”)

Yes! It definitely IS fun! Steve and I love the history we have together as a married couple. Yes, admittedly, some of our history isn’t pleasant to revisit in our thoughts. But through the almost 47 years that we’ve been married, we have built some great memories together. All one of us has to say is, “YO!” or “orange pitcher” or “scary shirt” and the other instantly smiles. We have memories attached to those words that almost no one else would understand. It’s our “between-us” jokes, which bring us closer together in mutual sentimentality.

Between Us Flirting

If you haven’t flirted with each other for a while, start again now. It can be a new beginning to take your marital “communication” to a whole new level. Francesca Di Meglior gives this insight that we agree with:

“Flirting is all about communication. You’re trying to communicate that you are charmed by this person and attracted to him or her. In the case of your spouse, you’re trying to say that this is and always will be a love connection with a lot of heat. Talk about your day or the weather or what you’re having for dinner. But be sure to naturally work in a compliment. ‘While my boss was hammering me with questions about the project, I was looking forward to coming home to you.’ Or ‘The clear blue skies today had me dreaming of your blue eyes.’ Or ‘You’re as spicy as the Mexican chicken I’m making for dinner.’” (From the article, “How to Flirt with Your Husband or Wife”)

Yes, it’s corny, but so what? It’s still fun to share this level of “communication” with a spouse. Try it. We believe you will like it. And if you or your spouse doesn’t, then try other ways of flirting together. Just do something.

Flirting Rules?

“We often think that flirting with our spouse has to mean bringing flowers, sending love notes and lingerie. Sure those things are nice, but that doesn’t have to be all that flirting is. And flirting doesn’t have to be anything huge! Flirting is about knowing what makes your spouse smile. It’s knowing what makes their day, and what would be a help to them.” (Alicia Michelle, in the article, “How to Flirt with Your Husband”)

Here’s another example Alicia gives. Give your spouse:

• A Smile. My hubby has this little grin. And when he shows me that authentic smile from across the room, my heart melts!

“Melting” your spouses heart is a good thing! To add to that example, here’s another marital flirting tip given by someone who calls herself “Princess with a Pen”:

Hold Your Wife’s Hand When You Are Walking on the Street. It will mean the world to your wife if you hold her hand while walking on the street. She will feel loved and it will be the most romantic gesture. Holding her hand will give her a sense of warmth, togetherness and protection.” (From the article, “14 Ways to Flirt With Your Wife”)

SO True!

To that, I say, AMEN! When Steve holds my hand—whether we’re out walking, just sitting together, or lying next to each other, holding hands makes me feel cherished. I understand that some spouses don’t feel this way. But I do, Steve does, and so do most spouses. Ask your spouse if he or she likes this. It would be good for you to know this about your spouse. It’s just another way of flirting that your spouse may love! Whatever you do make sure you:

Give some Vitamin F2 every day. What is Vitamin F2, you ask? Flirt and Fun. …We usually get instructions to take vitamins. How about giving some every day to the love of your life? Think of marriage like a marathon. It’s long, you will get tired, and you need the water of motivation to keep going. Laughing together and keeping that spark of flirtatious love alive will add a little joy to every day—even the hard ones.” (Maggie Reyes, from the article, “7 Habits of Highly Happy Marriages”)

And it does—definitely! We laugh, flirt with each other in many different ways, and it all builds our affectionate love for each other. So, here’s another great flirting tip for spouses given by Mark Merrill:

Post a sincere, unexpected comment of praise for him on Facebook or Twitter. This has to be done in a humble way and should have substance to it. Don’t showboat, but do let the world know why he [or she] means so much to you.”


He also makes this statement, which is also insightful:

“Flirting in front of our kids, even though they may react with something like ‘that’s gross,’ will reinforce a sense of love and stability at home as they see their parents showing a healthy desire to be with each other.”

Being Flirtatious with Spouse

We’ve done and still do that. But we’ve always tried to be a bit subtle with our flirtatiousness with each other. Even when our sons lived at home, we were careful. We didn’t want to gross them out too much. But on the other-hand, we also wanted them to see that their parents still had that spark. We love loving each other—always have, and always will.

For more tips, given by Mark, we recommend you read:


Here’s a tip that we often use, that’s given by Sheila Wray Gregoire:

Flirt in a crowd. Catch your husband’s eye in a crowded room and wink at him. Pass him a note that says you’re available and you think he’s cute, says Gina Parris.”

Of course, this goes both ways. Steve will often catch my glance at him, and is good at flirting with me. We have individual ways of flirting with our eyes and eyebrows that says, “I love you. I’m glad you’re mine” to the other. Usually, we do this in subtle ways so no one else sees us doing it. It’s a bit corny, but it’s also a (mostly) private type of flirtatious action we do exclusively with each other.

However, one time our granddaughter noticed us doing this. She looked at me and said, “Why did Papa do that with his eyebrows when he was looking at you?” I laughed and let her in on our secret. I told her, “Papa still flirts with me; and that’s one way he does it. But what you didn’t see is that I flirted back.”

Positives to Marital Flirting

Of course, she wasn’t going to let me say that without letting her know what I did. When I showed her how I flutter my eyelashes back she just smiled. It was easy to see that she liked it. Above all, I hope she gets the point that it doesn’t matter what age you are—flirting with your spouse is a positive thing.

But how about husbands flirting with their wives? Here’s another flirting tip that Cathy Lorient gives:

Take the routine out of your goodbye kiss. Married couples tend to fall into the habit of the routine, almost mindless goodbye kiss in the morning. Try this: Next time she leans in to give or get that peck, step back. Pick up her hand and kiss it gently. Make eye contact immediately afterwards. If you’re feeling especially slick—throw in a wink. There’s nothing routine about that. I promise, she’ll be thinking about it all day.” (From the article, “How To Flirt With Your Wife”)

Lori Ferguson (from the blog) gave this advice in another flirting blog:

“My sister-in-law, a pastor’s wife and mom of teenage boys, says she and her husband have discovered the joy of flirting via texting. It’s private, and has the spice of something new! For Robert and me, our adult kids are living with us for a bit, so it’s back to the secret nods, stolen kisses as we pass in the hallway, and footsies under the table!”

Be Creatively Flirtatious

That’s so, so true! Just be creative. Think again how you flirted with your spouse before you married. It drew you closer together before you said, “I do” to marry each other. So now, just step it up! It’s even more important to “get your flirt on” after you marry each other. We love and agree with something Brie Gowen said on this matter:

“Flirting [with your spouse] can be a great fertilizer for your marriage. …Playfulness, and flirtatious conversation aren’t things just for when you’re trying to land a partner in life. They’re actions you want to continue to keep that partner in your life. Shouldn’t we feel more comfortable to romance the person who loves us through sickness and health? The devil strives to destroy marriages, and he tells us we can’t have an exciting marriage, hot sex life, or even romance in our marriage. But that’s a lie. …I say we break the stereotypes that equate flirting with affairs! Flirting is for marriage.”

With that said, we hope you will go for it! Make your spouse smile. Find ways to give your spouse goose bumps! And enjoy, enjoy, enjoy looking for ways to flirt with your spouse. Flirting with your spouse is fun, and it grows your marriage in positive, intimate ways.

Cindy and Steve


We give a lot of stories, practical advice, and romantic tips to help you grow your marriage in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else so you can invest in their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the “Now Available” picture below to do so:



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3 responses to “Flirting with Your Spouse

  1. During the first half of our 24-plus year marriage, I absolutely loved flirting with my wife and loved it even more when she flirted with me. Then she disconnected and the last 6-plus years have been Hell on earth as she no longer flirts, no longer says “I love you”, never smiles at me, never holds hands, never gives a kiss, never snuggles. I pray that our marriage can have a fresh start, but my heart grows more sad each day. All I can do is remember the warmth and love we used to share and wonder what went wrong.

    1. CJ, Thanks for taking the time to post your comment and share your heart. Please understand that we are not counselors; but from everything you’ve said about the first 24 years of your marriage compared to the last six, all the indications are that either some significant medical issue has come up OR there has been a significant traumatic event in your wife’s life. Women do not shut down for no apparent reason. Because I serve in the fire department as a chaplain I am well aware of the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and all kinds of lights were flashing at me as I was reading your post. But if your wife is like most people suffering from either a medical or a psychological disorder they are very resistant to admit it, and usually strongly against getting any kind of help.

      As an overcomer of clinical depression myself (back in 2000-2001) I have a lot of empathy for people who struggle with facing their demons. What Christians often fail to realize is that their struggle is “…not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12) This is just one more tool satan uses to destroy people’s lives and marriages.

      And I am really sorry for you CJ, because your hands are virtually tied in being able to get help for your wife if she doesn’t come to the realization that she needs it. I know it’s a lot easier for me to say this than to live it out, but please be Jesus to her; love her like Christ loved the church, even if she never returns it. Isn’t that the way Jesus loves us? He died for the entire world’s sins knowing that many would continually reject that love and never return it.

      I can recommend a book that can help you deepen your love for her like it helped me deepen my love for Cindy. It’s called Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your Marriage“> by Gary Thomas. I hope this helps, maybe just a little bit. ~Steve Wright