When we think of domestic violence, we don’t often hear about husbands being abused. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet, there are many husbands who are the victims of spousal abuse. Yes, husband abuse is real; it does happen.
So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:
“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Men are considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!
“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”
Yes, Husband Abuse DOES Happen
We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that many, many husbands are the victims of abuse, more than people realize. Part of this is because it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help. This is especially true in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of emails from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t abuse back. But they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.
We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles, written on this subject to help. But there seems to be very, very little help available for abused husbands.
Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers “appear” to be less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is wrong no matter who is victimizing the other, male or female.
This article is written to give abused husbands a voice that is MUCH needed and overdue.
Husband Abuse: Different Types of Attacks
Maxine Marz wrote a Metronews.ca article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” where she had the following to say on this issue:
“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon. But still, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless very hurtful. In addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their spouse uses their children to assert her control over the relationship.
“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.
“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security. We need to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”
Husband Abuse: Out in the Open
To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope it will help husbands to better protect themselves.
The following is a Youtube video that shows a little taste of what some men go through as far as abuse. This is not a marriage situation. It is a boyfriend/girlfriend one where she is assaulting him in different ways, with part of it being caught on camera. It’s part 1 of a Tyra Banks television show that featured abusive women. The quality of this video isn’t the best. But the content is enlightening. Please watch and you will see a small part of what some men go through:
Different Standards for Husband Abuse
What struck me about the featured story is that if that man would have been the abuser, I believe with all my heart that the audience would have been outraged. But the woman was absolutely clueless as to the gravity of it all. Plus, the audience didn’t seem as moved, like they would have been if a woman was getting berated by the man. If he was acting as she did to him, the outrage would have been ramped up. But because it’s a woman hitting and berating a man, it’s more palatable. It shouldn’t be, because abuse is wrong no matter who commits it. And yet, that’s the way society views wife abuse as opposed to husband abuse. This is so, so wrong.
Stories of Battered Men
On a further note, the articles linked below, consist of stories of battered men. (Some of them are followers of Christ and others who are not.) In these blogs, they share their life experiences of being battered by women. Please read what they have written. Abused men and husbands need to be heard too:
• BATTERED MEN’S PERSONAL STORIES
Plus:
• SURVIVOR’S STORIES: Case Studies, Experiences & Stories of Male Victims
The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites. Please be aware of that. However, we believe they give good insights. They also provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good —that which lines up with Biblical standards. And then throw away that, which doesn’t apply to your situation. As you pray, the Lord will show you what NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.
Please click onto the link provided below to read:
• MALE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
— Additionally —
Many people ask why battered men don’t leave the abuse. They also question why do they remain silent? Murray A. Straus, a family violence researcher, gives this insight:
“There is a fear of having a 911 call turned around. If a man is being battered, is trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he’s been assaulted or that he needs the help of the police.
“Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury. This is because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a ‘real man’ would be able to keep her under control.”
And there are even more reasons. There is also help for men that are being abused. Read the following to learn more:
• WHY MEN DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
And:
Read, Even if the Article Needs to Be Adapted
In addition, please read other articles that are provided on this web site in the Abuse in Marriage topic. They mostly address wives who are victimized by husbands. (Sadly, it’s difficult to find info that addresses husbands who are victimized.) Even so, we encourage you to ask God to show you how to apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God can show you what advice you can use, and what you shouldn’t, or won’t be able to use.
We hope you find the help you need. May He help you as you reach out to Him —that is our prayer for you.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
My wife began slowly, a punch in the arm here and there and worked her way to my face and even testicles. We as men reinforce this behavior with empty threats of leaving and calling the cops. One evening she hit me, I stated I was calling the police, she ran and locked herself in the bathroom. Needless to say I did not call the cops like I should have!!! I did walk outside to peek in the very large open window to find her looking in the mirror PUNCHING HERSELF IN THE MOUTH!!!! One can only imagine why? That new fat lip would have been blamed on me if the cops had really arrived and my butt would have been locked up!!
She accuses me daily of cheating because I have female friends! She states daily how much she hates me! Tells me she hopes I die in a car accident or heart attack (ha! I’ve had both) all in front of my children!! She slams and breaks things in rage! One day it was my kitten’s head in the door who was following her! Blood was splattered everywhere including on my 8 year old daughter! This is very real!!! Every person has a breaking point. I pray she never meets mine!! Being a codependent sucks.
My son is in the same situation!! He can’t leave cause he’s afraid she’ll hurt the kids 8 years of this!
17 years here!! It won’t get better if that’s any consolation. I’m looking at options now/ultimatums.
My wife says the same things to me how much she hates me and she wishes I was dead. When she’s not drinking she’s a completely different person. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on; I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m wondering if this is considered abuse to your daughter. It is animal abuse, and I would think that abusing an animal in front of your daughter would also be considered abuse to your daughter.
Wayne, Somehow, you need to break free of this abusive behavior. I am concerned for you and also for your daughter. Your wife sounds like she has some real mental issues. You really need to talk to someone who can give you some guidance on how to break free from this abusive prison. Codependency only makes you a prisoner to this kind of craziness. If you want your wife to break free from abusive behavior, you need to break free from enabling that behavior. But this is no simple thing to do. I believe you will need someone who is experienced in this kind of behavior to guide you as to putting together a plan.
If you don’t know of a good counselor, please look through the following resources listed on this page: https://marriagemissions.com/about-us-2/abuse-in-marriage-links-and-resource-descriptions/. By contacting some of the web sites we have listed, I believe you will find the info that you need.
I wish we could help you do this, but we don’t have as much experience as you will need. However, if you don’t proactively protect yourself and perhaps your daughter, BEFORE a terrible event happens, you will regret it. Abusive behavior escalates. No one deserves abuse. I would say the same thing to you as I would say to a wife who is being abused. Imagine too, the horrible things your daughter is being taught, and the negative images and thoughts that are being planted in her mind. This negativity will effect her for the rest of her life. You need to work to free her of these assaults on her mind and emotions. A good abuse counselor can help with that. And if you talk to someone who is experienced in these types of things, you can work together on a plan that could help.
You need to be pro-active, rather than just reactive. From what you describe, YOU will be the one who will end up in jail if you give your wife the opportunity to set you up. This happens over and over again. Please don’t fool yourself into thinking it doesn’t. I can assure you it does, and in your case, probably will.
Also, you should not have pets in your home if they are subjected to such explosive and damaging behavior. Pets don’t deserve to be caught up in this either. Wayne, I hope and pray that you will find the strength within to be a hero here. You need help, your daughter needs help and so does your wife. By enabling this to continue, without putting together a plan to protect yourself and your daughter (emotionally, if nothing else), this behavior will only grow worse and worse. Please prayerfully seek guidance and help. If you don’t, who knows what will happen next?
I’m dealing with this issue now, but its a slippery slope. Even refraining your wife from striking you can be viewed as abusive on the man’s end. The verbal abuse, it was unreal. I never grew up in that environment so it was shocking for things to go south during those moments. I regret it the most.
To Whom It May Concern: I have been trying my hardest to reach out for help. I’ve been screaming from the top of my lung but I’m still sinking in darkness.
My name is Du Hua and I am an injured Navy veteran. I escaped from the communists of Vietnam with eleven attempts and finally found the freedom in America in 1982. I was so grateful of my new country and I believed that in order to show my attitude and appreciation toward my new motherland, it was my duty to help protect the freedom and democracy in America so I enlisted the US-Navy. I served multiple deployments but I was so unfortunate to get injured on the line of duty. I had to get out of the US-Navy with honorable medical discharge. It saddened my heart and soul to leave my Navy. I’m now a Disabled American Veteran.
I had to fight with my life to take care and keep my family’s survival. I went back to school and got a new job, working extremely hard to provide for my big family of five. I was so proud of my accomplishments but the chronic pains from my injury got worse to a point that I had to give up my new career. This has turned my life upside down with severe depression.
To make the matters even more serious was that I was forced to live under the controlling, disrespect and abuse by my own wife because of my physical state for many years. She even used violence and she showed her brutality toward me on many occasions and even in front of our toddler son at that time.
This darkness has been following me for many years and all this time has caused my feelings that my life is not worth living. My life is still in the deep sadness and my daily feelings are still in deep trouble. I’m reaching out to you for help. I believe many wounded and injured veterans out there have the same struggle. Please help me to have a voice so many other veterans could learn and be aware that they are not alone! I truly believe this is the only way for me to get healed! Thank you for listening and please help! Sincerely, Du Hua
Dear Du Hua, We are so sorry for all you have had to endure…and continue to endure. The way you phrase your story you make it sound like you are no longer under the influence of the wife who had abused you. Nonetheless, you are still experiencing the repercussions from all of the the trauma you’ve experienced in your life. I may be asking the obvious, but have you exhausted possible help from the V-A? I know there are “good” V-A hospitals and then there are some bad ones that don’t provide all of the different kinds of help that you need. Unfortunately, Du, we here at Marriage Missions are not equipped to do much to provide what you so desperately need right now. But we know where you can go to start to find the help. Call Focus On The Family during normal business hours at 1-800-A-FAMILY. Explain to the operator you are a disabled vet and need to speak with a counselor. They have an excellent counseling department and even have a division especially for military people, including vets. They can also point you to resources/counselors in your area who specialize in what you need (including dealing with spousal abuse).
There’s also a web site you may be able to find some additional support relating to the abuse issues: http://www.Batteredmen.com This web site provides information and support for men who have been abused by women. They give personal encouragement to men in helping them to heal and grow in their many roles as men, husbands, fathers, and mentors. This is not a Christian web site, but appears to be a very helpful one. We encourage you to glean what the Lord shows you to use and leave alone whatever is not useful and helpful, as the Holy Spirit leads in your personal situation.
I wish we could do more to help you, Du Hua. You have given much to our country and we are so grateful for your service and you deserve to receive the best care possible. I hope these few suggestion prove to be the start of getting you to the right place for the right help. Blessings!
I am sorry for the pain and rough times you have gone through but I look at the next day as better than the day before no matter what happens. I have respect for you and the men and women that have served for this country. I want to thank you for helping us to have our freedom! I was in two marriages that were abusive mentally and physically, depressed for 6 years now it is hard but lost. The VA has some very good people working there. They really try help and go above the other hospitals. God bless you.
I have found this site a blessing as a man. I got married for first time at 58 to a Christian woman a godly woman. Married over 3 years. Had financial abuse and stopped that. She lost her job for medical reasons after “I do”. Now the verbal abuse. No groups out there for men.
So sorry Greg, that you find yourself in this place. I’m glad this article has helped you (as well as the web site). You are SO right that there isn’t help for men who suffer from abuse, even though we have seen that there is a lot of husband abuse happening. That is literally a crying shame. I pray the Lord opens your wife’s eyes. That DOES happen sometimes. I hope that happens for you.
I was married to an abusive wife for 19 years. I am currently married to my second wife, and we have been married for 18 years. I am a retired, 70% service-connected disabled U.S. Navy veteran. I receive over $1800 in military retirement and VA disability compensation every month. I also have a part-time job as an instructor for a local recreation center close to my home. My wife and I also started an organic gardening business this year. The income for a start-up business is questionable, at best, during the first couple of years.
I am working so hard doing all these things -and I can do more productive work in one hour than most people go in five hours -that I am been fatigued beyond my limits. My wife’s continual demand that I get more paying work at another part-time job has been wearing in me, as well. I’ve spent the entire growing season prepping our 6 gardens, tending and caring for them, while she works as a caregiver for disabled clients. The gardening is grueling work, especially with my disabilities. My back is always in pain. But my wife’s insistence that it is necessary for us to work so hard because we have to get out of debt (we are utilizing Dave Ramsey’s debt snowball technique), is taking its toll on my health.
Last Tuesday, I had a doctor’s appointment where I wanted her to determine why my neck and upper back pain was above the normal range (this is one of my disabilities). I also noticed that the tip of my tongue was numb. When I told her about my symptoms, she suggested that I had a pinched nerve and to take ibuprofen and get some rest.
I went home, took some ibuprofen, but it didn’t make a dent in my pain level. So, I took some cyclobenzaprine later that afternoon and went to bed. Two days later, on Veterans’ Day, after taking cyclobenzaprine for those two days, I woke up with the right side of my face feeling numb. I began to wonder what was happening to me. I noticed that I couldn’t blink or close my right eye, I couldn’t chew my food in the right side of my mouth and everything on the right side of my face wasn’t working right – actually, it wasn’t working at all.
I called the VA’s Nurses’ Hotline. When I told the nurse my symptoms she said that I needed to get to the Denver VA Hospital’s ER as soon as possible. She said that it was either a stroke or Bell’s Palsy. I hung up the phone and told my wife what the nurse said. My wife replied, “You’re not having a stroke!” She kept repeating this to me, as if she had the qualifications to determine whether I was having a stroke or not, which she doesn’t. She is a caregiver only.
I told her that my stress level was so high lately that I was concerned that it could be a stroke, to which she replied, “What are YOU so stressed out about?!?!” I replied, “You are the reason I am so stressed out. Your constant badgering about getting a part time job, when I have been working so hard around the house and the gardens, making sure that they were productive enough for this year’s harvest and sales, has pushed me over the edge!”
She got so angry at me, she started yelling at me about me getting a part time job, all the while the right hand side of my face is drooped and useless. She continued yelling at me and took me straight home and left me there, then went to pick up her client at work. I was so upset at her, I texted her and told her that I would find my own way to the ER. I then called a Christian buddy and asked if he would take me to the Denver VA Hospital’s ER. He said he would, and a short time later, he picked me up and took me to the hospital.
I was in the ER for 5 hours. While I was there being treated, my wife texted me and asked me where I was. I told her I was at the ER and that my friend had taken me. No reply. The ER did a CT scan, an EKG and blood work, and determined (thank God) that I hadn’t had a stroke, but that I did have Bell’s Palsy. They prescribed prednisone, daily eye drops and nightly eye ointment, to keep my right eye moist because it wouldn’t close by itself.
On Monday, I had a follow up appointment with my doctor. When she found out how long it took for me to get to the ER, no matter what the final diagnoses was, she was NOT a happy camper! She told me emphatically that in the future, if I were EVER to have any sign of facial paralysis again, I was to go IMMEDIATELY to the ER, and my wife’s opinion in that matter didn’t count. To this day, my wife will not admit that she did anything wrong, either in her insistence that I wasn’t having a stroke, or in her lack of care for me in my condition. I have been told by FOUR medical professionals that IF I HAD been having a stroke, a part-time job probably would never be happening for me in this lifetime, based on how slowly I had gotten to the ER.
My concern is this: why is it more important for my wife to pay closer attention to me getting a part-time job, rather than to my health? Being a 70% disabled veteran doesn’t even matter to her. Money is all she thinks about.
Now, I am sleeping on the couch because she won’t admit that she had any responsibility for not getting me to the ER in a timely fashion (we are a one-car family). She still emphatically states that I wasn’t having a stroke, even up to an hour ago, as if that justifies her behavior. I am so completely exhausted, that even after only working for one hour in the garden today, I could barely stand up. I called the VA’s Nurses’ Hotline again this afternoon and the nurse told me to “rest.” Period. My wife, in the other hand, simply wants me busy, busy, busy. No rest for the weary. I am wondering who I am now married to and if this woman I am now married to just wants me dead. When I pray and ask the Lord what HE wants me to do, all I hear is, “Rest in me! Just rest!”
How can I rest in my condition without having my wife insist that I get up and get working on the gardens or go get a job delivering pizzas? Please help!
Ok, I’m so not sure where to begin? I was in a relationship w/my girlfriend/fiancé. She abused me physically, hit, slapped, punched, kicked, struck with objects causing black eyes, bruises, and bleeding. I can recall 9 times I bled. I started taking pictures. What can I do legally, if anything? I have moved out.
I’m not sure if you can do anything legally. It’s your word against hers (even with pictures) because you didn’t call the police when it happened. You can read from other comments here that women can get away with MUCH more of this than men can. People don’t give men the sympathy and help they need with this type of thing… so sorry. It should never be. Abuse is abuse, no matter who does it –a man or a woman. The only thing I could say is to stay as far away from her as you can. She’s toxic. Pity and pray for the next man who is with her. He will have his hands full. I’m glad you’re in a safer place away from her. Make better choices the next time you get involved with someone.
Help! My quiet Christian 20 year old son and his 17 1/2 year old wife had a baby 7 months ago! I found out 2 days before he was to start college! He never started college. When I first met his wife (she was 16 at the time), she was and is very quiet and hard to get the know. I found out she has a lying problem from her dad and had been adopted at age 5 to a wonderful Christian family. She had been physically abused as a young child and has depression, severe anxiety, an eating disorder and is very controlling since knowing my son.
She told her mom that she tried to get pregnant and doesn’t really love my son! Now after a year of marriage, she has never let me babysit my own granddaughter and is very controlling of my son. She has hit him in the eye, scratched him twice and ripped his shirt off of him! He says he loves her and doesn’t understand why I don’t like her! She told lies about my other son and that he was experimenting with drugs and alcohol and having sex with his girlfriend. I believed her at the time because I was trying to build trust with her, finding out later it was a lie.
My son wants me to text her and ask her if her and I can start fresh and start a new relationship! When we have tried to invite her to things she sounds excited at the time but it always ends in a fiasco and she will find some excuse not to come but yet doesn’t want my son to go either! We have wasted so much money on buying advanced tickets and then they end up canceling. She is so wrong for him but he can’t see it. She doesn’t go to church and they get in fights if he wants to bring their daughter to church.
I can’t just turn off my feelings about her and what she has done but yet my son is asking and even almost begging me to try to get along with his wife and wants me to let the past go. It’s not a godly marriage and there is violence involved and their 7 month old baby. It’s not fair for the baby. I just want them to get a divorce so bad!!! She has all of these mental issues but yet she is not going to counseling and is not facing her problems. She doesn’t work, nor is she working toward her GED that I know of. I don’t approve of his wife but yet I feel like I need to respect my son’s choice of a spouse but now there is physical abuse involved and maybe verbal abuse but not sure. Any suggestions?
Kim, I can WELL appreciate it that you are disappointed and hurt by your son’s choice of a wife. I would be too. This has got to be more difficult than words can express. But as I read your comment, I couldn’t help but wonder what Jesus would do. Would he wish they would get a divorce? And when He is rebuffed, would He stop all attempts to extend a hand of reconciliation? Even though I would be tempted to do what you wrote, I’m not thinking so. Yes, you have tried many times… but how many times do you think the Lord has extended His hand to us and to others when we have rejected Him? And how many times would He want you and me to do so? I’m not trying to guilt you into this. I have a mother’s heart, just like you do. I understand more of this than I can say, trust me. But God is all about grace and forgiveness and reaching out to those who do wrong and who hurt us and our loved ones.
After reading your comment the thought came to me that you may be the only Light that is being extended to her within her darkened thinking process. She NEEDS your compassion, and your son needs it too. He is letting you know that. If this marriage does go down (hopefully, by no attempt on your part), your son may end up turning to you for comfort, knowing that you showed compassion without judgement, despite the way she acted. Or maybe the Lord will use you to plant seeds of goodness into both of them so they turn toward the good, and want to know your God better, and turn their lives around.
I’m not saying that you excuse bad behavior. You are not to be an enabler. But you are not their Holy Spirit either (this is a mom who is having to live this with prodigals), and you are not their judge. I wouldn’t pay anymore money to buy advanced tickets (unless you buy them along with the insurance that allows you to cancel or change the flight schedules… we’ve done that). But I would keep extending invitations. And reaching out to her (as unto the Lord) would be a good thing. What she does with it is her problem. You are doing the right thing and that’s all that you are accountable for.
You have a son and a grandchild that you never know how much involvement you will have with them in the future. It may be little, but it may be a lot. Open doors allow more possibilities than closed ones. Your daughter-in-law is not going to counseling YET… and is not facing her problems YET… buy please don’t rule out the future, that there is hope. Your daughter-in-law needs a lot of prayer. I’m not thinking that she has anyone else who is praying for her. It may be that God is wanting you to be her prayer partner — with her many issues and all. If your son had these issues, wouldn’t you want someone praying for him and reaching out a healthy, loving hand? I’m sure God does too. Consider giving her the compassion you would want your own child to be given.
From one mother and grandmother’s heart to yours… I cry for you. But I also pray strength and wisdom and God’s guidance for you. Don’t underestimate what God can do with those who look to Him. He specializes in turning dirty lives and situations around for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Please prayerfully consider all that I’ve written here. I pray for you as you do :)
Your son acts this way, i.e. begging you to reconcile, because he is being abused. I was the same way many years ago. I agree with what Cindy has replied, but also want to emphasize, that your son is trying to be a peacemaker, like I was, because that is what society and today’s church expects. His wife needs professional help; that is what the action plan needs to be.
Much of the article is true. After 36 years of marriage the scenarios were often played out. Not physically but emotionally. My wife has now passed away and because of God’s intervention we plowed our way through. With four adult children to help make things as best as they could they are supporting me. They know how things were. If you as a man/husband think you are being abused let someone you can trust help bare the burden. Don’t give up. If you are a Christian ask God to keep you in check.
God did not intervene in my first marriage. I had to get my spine back.
Wow, this has opened up a huge flow of feelings, memories and thoughts. My wife has repeatedly struck me prior to kids, then it stopped. Now they are gone, and she has resumed. I thought it was me and my problem alone. I have never struck her back – only tried to leave, held things up to shield myself, or held her wrists to keep her from punching me. In looking over the comments, I see I’m not the only one with these feelings. I feel trapped. If I turn her in to the authorities, one of us will be arrested and charged with domestic abuse – a state law.
She has scratched herself, or hit herself when I threatened to call 911, making it look like I did it. She told me she would get me thrown in jail since they would believe her. To top it off, under the state law, they will press charges and will plea bargain, but they require compliance with a “Brady Law”, which requires that nobody in the household can own or have a gun there. This creates multiple problems for me. We are believers, and don’t want to divorce -that means staying together. So that means we will have to get rid of our guns. That is a problem since we have livestock, and need to protect them from predators.
Second, my grown son and I like to hunt and target practice. That all goes away if I turn her in. So, I have to decide if I want to turn her in and punish myself by doing that. She tells her friends that I punch her, which is a lie. I feel trapped, and don’t know what to do.
Brad, I am so, so sorry that you are experiencing this horrible behavior from your wife. You truly are between a rock and a hard place. You are wise to be cautious because we’ve seen many, many incidences where the wife turns the situation around so it looks like the husband is the abuser and not her. This is so insidious, but it’s what happens many times. And yet, you can’t allow your wife to keep abusing you. This takes its toll on a spouse, both emotionally and physically. Plus, eventually this could very well get ramped up where a knife is pulled or so. You just can’t take that chance.
The only thing I can think that you can do is to put together a plan where, the next time you experience this abusive behavior from her, you leave for a period of time. It’s the Love Must Be Tough principle (as Dr Dobson’s book points out). You need to decide if you tell her of your plan ahead of time or not… but probably not. We have a lot of articles in the Abuse in Marriage topic that may help you come up with a plan. We even have an article posted titled, “Developing a Safety Plan.” Please glean through the info. Unfortunately, a lot of these articles are one-sided. The authors address wives who are abused and don’t address the issue of husband’s who are abused. This shouldn’t be. Yes, more women report abuse from their husbands, but yes, there are many husbands who are being abused and society doesn’t seem as concerned. They should be. Abuse is abuse, no matter if the husband is the abuser or the wife is the abuser. But even so… you can turn the pronouns around and use the info that will work for you.
What your wife is doing is not only physically damaging to you, but it is also emotionally and spiritually damaging to you and your marriage. It chinks away at one’s self-esteem and the will to stay within the marriage (as you very well know). So, be pro-active in trying to nip this thing now, rather than keep taking it and taking it until you have no will (and no love left) to combat the situation and stop it while it is still hopeful that it can be stopped. If you have to live separately for a while, or a long while or more, then you may need to do that until she finally owns up to the wrongness of this and gets the help she needs to get her temper under control.
You are not her punching bag. You are supposed to be her partner in marriage. And partners do not abuse other partners. She needs to get the “heart” to do what she needs to do. This is NOT acceptable behavior in any way. I hope you can prayerfully, and carefully come up with a plan that will work to protect yourself, and start to build a more loving marriage. My prayers are with you.
Show the woman some equal rights brother.
I am a husband that was not hit but I think I was was mentally abused a lot. Married only three years I walked 24 miles to see my son, walked to the doctors and even 16 to see my wife at her place of work because I could not use my wife’s car. I lost all contact with my kids. They would not come to the house. Now they have their own lives so I lost the three years I was married with my kids.
When I met my wife it was great the first year, then it changed when we married. First she said I do not have to work, then work a little then work day and night. I have had my own business where I work on Saturday where I can make up to thousands for that day. I film weddings. The three years I tried to start the business it was stopped. The first time She said I was cheating, I would call brides that were getting married. I had a list of 300. This happened three years in a row. The cell phone was in her name; she would take it so I would have to change the phone number so brides could not call. I would never cheat on my wife I love her very much I tried to do everything for her cook, clean the house, dishes, laundry, massages everything, not enough.
Now this is the forth time she threw me out and wants a divorce. The month before I moved out I was hiding in a room at the house working with wood blocking the door because she was kicking the door open to get in the room. She wanted me to wear certain clothes she bought so I feel like a toy. I am 57 and started filming weddings in 1979 right out of high school.
Yes your wife can abuse her husband and it is hard for him to stop her because he loves her unconditionally. It is hard to make couples look happy and in love on film when you are sad and miss the person you love and thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with.
I’m 40 and escaped from an abusive long term girlfriend. THANK GOD we never married nor had kids. She was literally insane, and would berate me, destroy my possessions, draw sadistic pleasure out of making me unhappy and verbally and physically throw things at me. She told me she had been abused by her father and men she dated, so she earned the right to exact some ‘payback’.
I finally left her, and she notified every mutual friend that I had abused her!!! I lost many friends over that and my career was destroyed. Thank God she’s out of my life and thankfully wants nothing to do with me. Shortly after we split, she met someone else and married- and quickly thereafter I heard it ended in divorce. No shock! I enjoy being single and hope to remain so.
Its more common than you think. Men will take a lot of beatings before they either strike back or just plain leave. This will never happen to this man again. I assure you.
I am in this situation; I am suffering with severe depression and had 4 failed suicide attempts. My wife will hit me. I tend to just go into a fetal position; I have scars on my side from her. She blames me for the scars saying it was my fault for moving, not hers foo trying to strike and gouge my side. Things get thrown at me, then if I respond back verbally to her assaults it gets worse. She will tell me I am useless. I haven’t had a job for 18 months due to losing my job and the depression kicking in.
She will tell me that I am the abuser and no one will believe me; all my friends are miles away and my parents have their own health issues to do deal with. I only feel the way forward is for me to end my life successfully. I am so glad we don’t have children. I get all this abuse from a women who won’t let me drink as she had a previous relationship with someone who drank too much, so I accepted this and stopped drinking as soon as I met her and began dating. I don’t have any female friends so I can’t be in trouble and don’t have any friends of mine traveling to see us or me see them. I don’t know where to go next. I am now upstairs having been hit and abused. This again has led me to say hurtful things but it is the only ammunition I have as she just hits and throws things at me.
Well my wife abused me and when I told a lawyer she didn’t believe me. One time the cops were called to our home and one cop was ready to run me in because she told him that I hit her. But when the truth cane out that she hit me many times they told her not do it again and left. Another time she broke a lot of stuff and the cops were called. And guess what? They were ready to go to my work and pick me up and one time she ran across the street to someones house and she told them that I put a hold on her skin. And guess who went to jail? Afterward she does these things to me then she calls me at work and tells me how sorry she is and she doesn’t want to lose me.
Thank you that this has become an issue. I myself am in a marriage that is abusive. Her own parents can’t believe I am still with her. My family is worried that it will end with me being dead. Women both in domestic violence towards their husband and the mental abuse on their kids seem to think they have the right. Where the male is guilty until proven innocent. It is more common than society is willing to believe.
So sadly, you are right. I pray the Lord shows you ways to protect yourself and that He opens her eyes that male or female, abuse of any kind is not right. A marriage license does not give her the license to commit any kind of violence against you or anyone. May she come to that realization.