When we think of domestic violence, we don’t often hear about husbands being abused. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet, there are many husbands who are the victims of spousal abuse. Yes, husband abuse is real; it does happen.
So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:
“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Men are considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!
“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”
Yes, Husband Abuse DOES Happen
We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that many, many husbands are the victims of abuse, more than people realize. Part of this is because it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help. This is especially true in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of emails from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t abuse back. But they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.
We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles, written on this subject to help. But there seems to be very, very little help available for abused husbands.
Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers “appear” to be less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is wrong no matter who is victimizing the other, male or female.
This article is written to give abused husbands a voice that is MUCH needed and overdue.
Husband Abuse: Different Types of Attacks
Maxine Marz wrote a Metronews.ca article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” where she had the following to say on this issue:
“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon. But still, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless very hurtful. In addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their spouse uses their children to assert her control over the relationship.
“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.
“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security. We need to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”
Husband Abuse: Out in the Open
To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope it will help husbands to better protect themselves.
The following is a Youtube video that shows a little taste of what some men go through as far as abuse. This is not a marriage situation. It is a boyfriend/girlfriend one where she is assaulting him in different ways, with part of it being caught on camera. It’s part 1 of a Tyra Banks television show that featured abusive women. The quality of this video isn’t the best. But the content is enlightening. Please watch and you will see a small part of what some men go through:
Different Standards for Husband Abuse
What struck me about the featured story is that if that man would have been the abuser, I believe with all my heart that the audience would have been outraged. But the woman was absolutely clueless as to the gravity of it all. Plus, the audience didn’t seem as moved, like they would have been if a woman was getting berated by the man. If he was acting as she did to him, the outrage would have been ramped up. But because it’s a woman hitting and berating a man, it’s more palatable. It shouldn’t be, because abuse is wrong no matter who commits it. And yet, that’s the way society views wife abuse as opposed to husband abuse. This is so, so wrong.
Stories of Battered Men
On a further note, the articles linked below, consist of stories of battered men. (Some of them are followers of Christ and others who are not.) In these blogs, they share their life experiences of being battered by women. Please read what they have written. Abused men and husbands need to be heard too:
• BATTERED MEN’S PERSONAL STORIES
Plus:
• SURVIVOR’S STORIES: Case Studies, Experiences & Stories of Male Victims
The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites. Please be aware of that. However, we believe they give good insights. They also provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good —that which lines up with Biblical standards. And then throw away that, which doesn’t apply to your situation. As you pray, the Lord will show you what NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.
Please click onto the link provided below to read:
• MALE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
— Additionally —
Many people ask why battered men don’t leave the abuse. They also question why do they remain silent? Murray A. Straus, a family violence researcher, gives this insight:
“There is a fear of having a 911 call turned around. If a man is being battered, is trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he’s been assaulted or that he needs the help of the police.
“Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury. This is because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a ‘real man’ would be able to keep her under control.”
And there are even more reasons. There is also help for men that are being abused. Read the following to learn more:
• WHY MEN DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
And:
Read, Even if the Article Needs to Be Adapted
In addition, please read other articles that are provided on this web site in the Abuse in Marriage topic. They mostly address wives who are victimized by husbands. (Sadly, it’s difficult to find info that addresses husbands who are victimized.) Even so, we encourage you to ask God to show you how to apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God can show you what advice you can use, and what you shouldn’t, or won’t be able to use.
We hope you find the help you need. May He help you as you reach out to Him —that is our prayer for you.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(CANADA) From personal experience: my dad married my mom after he was widowed with 3 kids. She took on those kids with the marriage. my dad failed to provide financially for a family of 6 (3 of my moms/ 3 step siblings). We lived below the poverty line. My mom verbally abused my dad for that, for years. From personal experience, the abuser is often very very hurt, resentful and angry.
(U.K.) I am an M.S. SUFFERER, with virtually no independent mobility. Occasionally my wife can be abusive; recently she caused me to fall over, necessitating calling the paramedic service to get me off the floor; also when I was lying in the main road in our city, having fallen off my scooter, she mildly assaulted me whilst verbally abusing me.
What can I do? I am 70 years of age and feel very vulnerable in view of my wife’s incresing aggression! David
(USA) Dear – please help!! An immigrant man married a lovely wife from his native country and brought her to USA about four years ago. They have 3 beautiful children. The oldest is 4 years old and the youngest is 9 months. The husband recalls, My wife changed after their 2nd child was born; she became very gritty with money and over control. She has no remorse for her husband, she bit him and make him feel nothing. The husband’s family and friends who noticed the problem tried to solve it but it was beyond of them and they gave up. No one comes to their house any more.
A female family member of the wife’s was sponsored from their country. She stayed for a year and was not allowed to talk to anyone whenever she goes outside. Church and grocery shopping is the only places where she takes her out. She basically stayed home doing all house chores and baby sitting. On the other hand the kids never go out to a play ground no birthday been celebrated and no schooling. The husband no longer know what his wife dose and where his check goes. She works midnight and day time she has a small store. Now the baby sitter is out the house. She told him he need to stay home and watch over the children.
I’m worried about the husband and the kids at this point. They husband is slowly sliding to depression. He loves his children deeply, he even said he is staying just because for his kid but this man is not gone stay healthy for longer. What should i do as a person? I can not talk to the husband directly.
(USA) I unfortunately am going through a divorce now, after one year of marriage. My wife and I both have tempers. However, her temper is so severe that when she is angry nothing matters, she will throw anything in her reach, including expensive things such as computers, Iphones, lamps. She has been upset in the kitchen and hit the counter with a butcher knife so hard it cut into the countertop, she has stabbed our computer chair over and over again with a letter opener, hit me square in the nose as hard as she could with her fist, thrown her engagement ring and wedding ring out of a moving car at 55mph (I went back and was able to find them miracle) later only to have her cry and say she was sorry and that it was my fault for making her lose her temper.
What makes my situation worse is that she is 4’11 and 1/2 inches tall 112 lbs and I am 6’3 230lbs. When angry, we both yell. However, she always reverts to violence. It does not matter if I’m driving, she will hit me with anything, taking off her shoes and hitting me as we are driving.
Well, I don’t know why but we were walking to her sisters home (3 houses down) to have dinner and she lost her temper and cussed me out in the street at the top of her lungs then turned to continue walking and I lost it and cussed back at this time she was around 20 feet from me and she turned, raised her fist and began to run towards me as if to hit me in the face. I was standing still the whole time, at the place she lost her temper and started cussing me out. Just before she got to me I raised my foot and did a push kick to her stomach/chest area, not kicking hard just pushing her, she fell onto the grass and began crying. At this moment I felt very bad, and sad as it was such a quick thing I did not even have time to think.
Now she runs and tells her sister and everyone we know I am a wife beater. She has not returned home and has filed for a divorce. I am very sad and do not want a divorce. I still love her very much and do not believe in divorce, I am a Christian and she is a new Christian. I wish I knew what to do.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My father’s wife abused him. She used tears to manipulate him. She cried if he didn’t take a second helping of her cholesterol-laden food “Don’t you like my food?” sniffle, sniffle, until he died of a heart attack. I’m ashamed to tell much else, because it makes him seem so weak. She told him I won a bursary in order to spite him. A previous bursary that I’d won, she convinced him (satan alone will know how) not even to tell me about it. He wrote me a letter begging me to tell him why I hated him so much. If only I would tell him what he’d done wrong, he would beg my forgiveness in public.
I wrote back that I loved him very much and that there was nothing to forgive. Satan alone will know what she told him about that, but he never replied and she confronted me and demanded “how dare you write such a letter to your poor father.” I can go on and on about the insanities. If ever her wild accusations were questioned, she’d dramatically press a tissue to her face and sniffle pathetically, and he’d give up trying to reason with her. I think she was a psychopath. Anyway, his early death was possibly, for a man of his standing and intellect and pride, a merciful release.
(CANADA) Hello, I appreciate finding this website, one that treats this especially with a Christian perspective. I’ve been married approx 7 years. When I met my wife, she told me that she too was sexually abused in her early adolescent years. There is a period of time in her life that she at least wishes that she could forget. In our marriage I find that when I make mistakes I get yelled at sometimes a lot. For example recently, I forgot to lock a door (oops, as a man to a woman, this is a major security issue), she went off! Sometimes I get sworn at. The recent verbal barrage was over financial issues.
I’m currently unemployed and it’s been very difficult to even land an interview. We are in income tax season and are looking forward to getting some money in income tax returns. Anyway, when I said that I had previously given her my income tax info, she called me a liar repeatedly. I was also told that I needed to be a partner and not a burden to her. She said that God gave her a lunatic. Also this was said with my kids in ear shot.
I have some issues to work through with providing the security that my wife requires of me as her husband. I’ll admit that I’ve fallen short in this area. But I’m working through them. Right now, I’m living everyday not knowing what to expect emotionally from her. If I think anything contrary to her ideas with respect to critical issues such as finances, work etc. I have a verbal fight on my hands. It gets especially difficult when we’re experiencing financial shortage (just as an example). And of course, in the past, I’ve continually suggested systematic savings through automatic deductions/ withdrawals. However, she doesn’t like doing this because she sites that she can’t control what is happening there. Our debts have increased. How do I work this out?
When she apologizes for her behaviour I accept her apology, however my biggest fear is when will she ‘goes off’ on me again. I love my wife; I don’t want to leave her but yet, I can’t take another verbal bludgeoning. Maybe you can provide some insight.
(INDIA) My wife bit me at my hand till there is bleeding and her face was covered with my blood because I was protesting her misbehaviour to my parents. I had given her blood in her operation. This is the result of good doings.
(CANADA) Try being a pastor and married to an abusive woman. I cannot share the fact that she has been violent with me throughout our whole marriage. It’s been progressively getting worse; yelling at first, swearing next, saying “I hate you” and name calling then slapping then punching and worse.
If I share with people I lose my job. If I leave my wife I lose my job. If it looks like I cannot handle my “sick” wife (she is on a low depression med) I can lose my job. My kids are asking me “why is mom always yelling at you?”
I am so discouraged and am sick of putting on a happy face. Many of you have said “go to your church”. Unfortunately your leadership face issues you could never imagine. I could quote you Bible verses and give you all the “counselling” answers – but the truth is; it’s a silence that’s killing me.
(USA) Hi Brad, I recommend that you contact the ministry of Parsonage.org to talk to them to see if they can aid you in finding help that is safe and effective. You’re definitely in a dilemma because of your situation. Pastors (and their spouses) can be some of the loneliest and hurting people around because they seldom feel they have the freedom to get the help they need when they are having problems –which is truly sad and difficult. Because of the Kingdom work you do and the spiritual influence you have in so many lives, you especially, have a type of bullseye on your life where the enemy of our faith aims to overturn your marriage and family life.
I believe that Thrivingpastor.org, which you can find at: http://thrivingpastor.org would be a safe place to find good, godly counsel and help. There are also other organizations, which help pastors and their spouses, for which we provide web site links in the topic for “Pastors and Missionary Marriages” so you might pray about contacting for good counsel. I hope you find the help you need for you and your wife, but also for the sake of your children who witness much of what is going on. Eventually, this will come out into the light one way or another. Now is the time to stop further damage. Please know our prayers are with you.
(USA) I feel like as men we have been conditioned to just take the abuse, and in the eyes of society it is viewed as “just the way it is”. There are networks, and avenues that deal with the abuse of women, but nothing for the man. There is Lifetime and various media outlets that cater to the hurt woman. I think that education awareness and a sensitivity from law enforcement and the church needs to increase. I have suffered emotional and mental abuse for years, but somewhere in my heart I feel that God will honor me for sticking and staying with my wife. Not only that but I am also abused by my stepdaughter. The only way I know how to deal with it is to fall on my knees and ask God to cover me and strengthen my heart.
(USA) Help me understand please – I’m shaking on the inside.
(USA) My wife often slaps or slugs me on the arms after she drinks a lot. She is about 5 ft four and slender I am 6 ft and strong. I have come real close to slugging her and she would be on the floor. I almost called the police but then she would go to jail. I don’t want that.
(USA) Apparently, not only do women abuse their husbands or live in boyfriends, but they are twice as likely to be the abuser. http://smu.edu/experts/study-documents/family-violence-study-may2006.pdf
In this study, approximately 13% of the families studied had male on female abuse, while 18% had female on male abuse. So much for the stereotype that men are more abusive than women.
(USA) I read this article and see that abuse as understood in the article of “can a wife abuse her husband” only referrs to physical abuse. It should be noted that “ABUSE” usually is interpreted as physical. In many instances it is much more than this. Especially in the area of Husband abuse. I remember in a previous marriage (I was a widower) I tried to get my wife to go with me to seek counseling. Her reply was “I don’t have a problem, you do” so I went.
Sharing with the counselor many things that were going on in my marriage. He replied to me “it sounds to me like you are being abused;” Then went on to explain that Husband abuse is many times not physical. It is in many cases, mental, emotional, financial by the wife. “you don’t work enough to support”, “you need another job”, Always reminding him of his faults and failures. I would encourage men to seek out reading about husband abuse. I never realized it!! Now I am realizing it again!
My current wife’s father physically abused her as a child and teen. She also caught him cheating on her mother. Needless to say they don’t talk. She also was in a marriage that was abusive that ended up in divorce. We have been married for three months. I was always afraid that the “residual” unforgiveness/bitterness would be reflected in our marriage. I was right!! it is. She is controlling, she tries to treat me like a child. Her only son does not live here anymore because he would not listen to her or to me. She constantly blames me for that. I am reminded by her of what her father did to her and what her ex husband did to her.
We live in the same house that these things occured. So, there are reminders all around. Many times she mentally pushes me to the edge. I have learned to walk away. It is manifesting itself in physical sickness, depression, exhaustion. I can’t tell anyone for fear that it will be turned against me. I cannot stay in this relationship. It’s sad! but I have to save myself before We are both destroyed. I was afraid of this but I thought our marriage would be different and change things. I WAS WRONG!
(AUSTRALIA) Michael, A few interesting points you brought up. Obviously, with women having less testosterone and physical power, abusers would be less likely to lash out physically, although in some cultures, they pull ears! However, the other types of abuse: psychological, verbal and emotional, are just as, if not more damaging to the victim. I am not surprised you are in distress – that’s what abuse does to you.
Another interesting point – she suffered physical abuse at the hands of her father and first husband. Your wife sounds like a friend of mine who left an abusive husband (after leaving an abusive father) and married a gentle, wise Christian man, only to find themselves separating because he could no longer tolerate her abusiveness. It turns out that her upbringing and first marriage affected her deeply, and she became exactly what she had hated in her husband. She spent four years going through therapy to resolve her issues. She told me that it was extremely hard work (she could barely drive after some sessions), and in the end, she and her second husband fell in love again and now I am happy to report that they are back together, and their marriage is totally different. But her second husband had to put boundaries and be prepared to walk away.
(ASIA) I am in an abusive relationship and my wife is the aggressor. It is sad because we are perfect for each other 95% of the time but the balance 5% is pure hell on earth. She is verbally and physically abusive but the worst is the verbal rants where she includes my father, mother and the rest of my family.
I am seriously contemplating divorce after only 7 months of marriage. Such a shame because, not only is divorce is shunned in my local community and my church, but it could have been perfect for each other.
Today I left our house because I could not bear to be with her. Small things trigger extreme situations. We started counselling (professional) two weeks ago and I feel that this is our last chance. I told her today that I don’t want to try for kids because I think she will be abusive to them as well just to spite me.
I was not raised up to be treated like this and I would rather live the rest of my life alone than continue this “marriage”. Very sad.. because it could have been perfect..
(USA) Mel, You may get some church and councelling type of help for your situation. Also, if it does get to an actual “physical assault”, which you can classify as a blow intended to harm you – you should report it to the police. Bullying and violence escalates over time, so the events will become more severe and more frequent as time goes on. Getting it reported to the authorities will be a good wakeup call for anyone you truly care about.
I also know as a man, that it is a very lonely place to be the recipient of violence in marriage. There are no real resources for us men, but some are starting to come online. I’d look at some of the “Father’s Rights Groups”.