When we think of domestic violence, we don’t often hear about husbands being abused. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet, there are many husbands who are the victims of spousal abuse. Yes, husband abuse is real; it does happen.
So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:
“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Men are considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!
“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”
Yes, Husband Abuse DOES Happen
We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that many, many husbands are the victims of abuse, more than people realize. Part of this is because it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help. This is especially true in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of emails from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t abuse back. But they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.
We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles, written on this subject to help. But there seems to be very, very little help available for abused husbands.
Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers “appear” to be less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is wrong no matter who is victimizing the other, male or female.
This article is written to give abused husbands a voice that is MUCH needed and overdue.
Husband Abuse: Different Types of Attacks
Maxine Marz wrote a Metronews.ca article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” where she had the following to say on this issue:
“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon. But still, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless very hurtful. In addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their spouse uses their children to assert her control over the relationship.
“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.
“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security. We need to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”
Husband Abuse: Out in the Open
To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope it will help husbands to better protect themselves.
The following is a Youtube video that shows a little taste of what some men go through as far as abuse. This is not a marriage situation. It is a boyfriend/girlfriend one where she is assaulting him in different ways, with part of it being caught on camera. It’s part 1 of a Tyra Banks television show that featured abusive women. The quality of this video isn’t the best. But the content is enlightening. Please watch and you will see a small part of what some men go through:
Different Standards for Husband Abuse
What struck me about the featured story is that if that man would have been the abuser, I believe with all my heart that the audience would have been outraged. But the woman was absolutely clueless as to the gravity of it all. Plus, the audience didn’t seem as moved, like they would have been if a woman was getting berated by the man. If he was acting as she did to him, the outrage would have been ramped up. But because it’s a woman hitting and berating a man, it’s more palatable. It shouldn’t be, because abuse is wrong no matter who commits it. And yet, that’s the way society views wife abuse as opposed to husband abuse. This is so, so wrong.
Stories of Battered Men
On a further note, the articles linked below, consist of stories of battered men. (Some of them are followers of Christ and others who are not.) In these blogs, they share their life experiences of being battered by women. Please read what they have written. Abused men and husbands need to be heard too:
• BATTERED MEN’S PERSONAL STORIES
Plus:
• SURVIVOR’S STORIES: Case Studies, Experiences & Stories of Male Victims
The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites. Please be aware of that. However, we believe they give good insights. They also provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good —that which lines up with Biblical standards. And then throw away that, which doesn’t apply to your situation. As you pray, the Lord will show you what NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.
Please click onto the link provided below to read:
• MALE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
— Additionally —
Many people ask why battered men don’t leave the abuse. They also question why do they remain silent? Murray A. Straus, a family violence researcher, gives this insight:
“There is a fear of having a 911 call turned around. If a man is being battered, is trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he’s been assaulted or that he needs the help of the police.
“Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury. This is because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a ‘real man’ would be able to keep her under control.”
And there are even more reasons. There is also help for men that are being abused. Read the following to learn more:
• WHY MEN DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
And:
Read, Even if the Article Needs to Be Adapted
In addition, please read other articles that are provided on this web site in the Abuse in Marriage topic. They mostly address wives who are victimized by husbands. (Sadly, it’s difficult to find info that addresses husbands who are victimized.) Even so, we encourage you to ask God to show you how to apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God can show you what advice you can use, and what you shouldn’t, or won’t be able to use.
We hope you find the help you need. May He help you as you reach out to Him —that is our prayer for you.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(USA) I am married to a women who is 15 years younger. She is not big 5 ft 6 in and 130 lbs, but is very strong and fast on her feet. Instead of talking thing out, she settles everything with her fists. When we were dating, she never show me this side of her. About 2 week after getting married, I came home late and she beat the heck out me. I tried to defend myself, but she was over-powering. I always thought women were weak and helpless. Boy, was I ever wrong! This not something that happens everyday. As long as I follow her rules, I am safe. I love her and can’t live without her.
(USA) Ron, Abusers get worse over time. Next time she hits you with the intention to harm you, I’d file a police report. Even if nothing happens, if she does it again to you, file another report. There needs to be a cost for her action, because if you do not do this she can become a real monster over time, and end up getting herself into serious trouble. Also it’s not good for you to be on the recieving end of this. You will look less and less attractive over time for taking it. Best regards.
(UNITED STATES) Why is there no balance from the pulpit by ministers regardging spousal abuse. The husbands seem to be the biggest offender of this per the pulpit. There are stats that indicate otherwise. My conclusion is that most ministers are afraid to take on the topic becuse of the unknown or the inablity to sell tickets or books. I am offedened when the minister says I must “suffer like Christ” when I have been punched, spit on, hot coffee thrown on me. I have to earn her respect .
(AUSTRALIA) I don’t know about where you live, but where I am, there is no mention of ANY abuse from the pulpit, much less a balanced view point. Or rather, there may be the rare lip service to the condemnation of domestic violence, without any reference to what it really is. Of course most churches would not condone the continual physical bashing of one spouse of another, regardless of which gender is the perpetrator. But given that that is not how domestic violence is typically played out, there is no recognition that it even OCCURS in many families sitting in the pew.
James, it is definitely a misinterpretation of Scriptures to suggest that you “suffer for Christ” by putting up with mistreatment from your marriage partner. I know of women who have not only suffered severe psychological breakdown but had their lives taken away because they were told to “suffer for Christ”. By the same token I also know of some men who are suffering because they don’t know what to do to please their abusive wives. They are actually in a position to leave but feel hamstrung and are afraid of doing the wrong thing. (At least thank God they don’t have to look for a job, change churches, look for welfare housing or fear being gunned down or have their kids kidnapped or killed.) But nevertheless they ARE very confused, rejected and hurt, and should be assured that there are resources out there for them as well. My counselor sees male and female victims and knows of other organisations that offer help to abused men, so surely it would be the same in the US, although churches may be slow to recognise this.
I guess the reason that government resources are not allocated as much toward male victims would be that stats from the US Dept of Justice do show that females need priority funding. Interpretation will always be a point of contention, as results can be skewed for whatever reason (although experts agree that it is shameful for either gender to come forward and report and if shame was stopping people, NO ONE would report), but the consensus is that these statistics do point to at least one fact, that regardless of whether males or females offend more, at least we do know that females are currently suffering/dying at the hands of their spouses:
According to the Dept of Justice, family violence has remained static for the 10 year period prior to this report, fluctuating only in concert with the ratios of violence [in our society] in general. Of roughly 3.5 million violent crimes committed against family members in 2002, 49% of overall family violence were crimes against spouses.
– Females constituted 58% of family murder victims
– 63% of spouse murderers used fire arms
– Males were 83% of spouse murderers
– Males were 75% of murderers who killed a boyfriend or girlfriend
– Females were 84% of spouse abuse victims
– 3/4 of victims of family violence were female
– 3/4 of persons who committed family violence were male
– Most family violence victims were white-74%
– Most family violence offenders were white-79%…
Of the approx 60% of family violence victimizations reported during the period of 1998-2002:
– The reporting rate among female victims was not significantly greater than the reporting rate among male victims
– The FBI accounted for 72% of all interstate domestic violence referrals
– Federal courts convicted 90% of defendants for interstate domestic violence offenses
– 79% of convictions were the product of guilty pleas
– 21% of convictions were the product of conviction following a trial
– Most were male—96%
(USA) My wife has attacked me many times; she has hit with an open hand, hit with a closed fist, she bit me, pinched me leaving bruises, kicked me, stabbed me with keys, stabbed me with a pen, has tried to gouge my eyes out with her fingers, choked me, pulled my hair, thrown things at me.
One time she beat me out in our garage for over six hours. she was wasted on wine and Xanax; out of her mind. I didn’t want to call the police, because we had our 4 year old daughter at home (asleep) and I didn’t want child protective services called once they saw how crazy my wife was .
My wife has mental problems; she suffers from manic depression.
No one cares if the man is getting hit .One time after my wife hit me I told the pastor of my church. All he had to say is that he was in over his head and couldn’t help me.
One day when I was trying to leave, because she was drunk again, she came at me, and I broke her nose in 9 places .I don’t remember feeling my hand make contact with her face .I feel bad that it happened .
You can’t bind a stone in a sling , and expect it not to come back and injure you.
(USA) I know a lot of women who abuse their husbands and it’s just as bad as the husband abusing his wife. I met one woman on a certain site and she would beat her husband up for coming home late at night. Not cool.
(USA) My ex-wife was extremely abusive. Not as much physically, as there was mental abuse, mental leverage and control assertion. On a regular basis, I was informed by her, of the possibilities that “could happen” if I didn’t do what she wanted. The well thought out scenario was constantly shoved down my throat, that all she had to do was head-but her own head onto the corner of the coffee table, call the police and file charges on me for spousal abuse, then file for a divorce, and I’d be paying her child support for the next 18 years while never getting to see my own children, not to mention in a world of legal hell for a crime I didn’t commit.
She was well aware of her possibilities to destroy me in court, and her advantages of being a woman with children in the state which we live in. She knew what she was doing, and she knew how to frighten me into submission with very real threats of how she could lie to and manipulate the legal system to her advantage.
Frequent slapping, kicking, pushing on her part happened during the almost daily arguments and screaming fights that we had, over nothing. She was a stay at home mom with 2 young children, while I worked sometimes 70 hours a week to support the family.
Over time, she started mentally abusing our kids as well. She neglected them almost daily. I found myself giving my oldest daughter something to drink and hiding it in her room, making a bottle of formula for the youngest and hiding it in her crib, all before I left for work at 6:00 am. I would come home during my lunch hour to make the kids something to eat, and change packed-full droopy diapers, while listening to my ex-wife complain non-stop about how much work she had been doing in our house that seemed to always be filthy, how tired she was, and how horrible the children had been acting, even making me punish them by spanking and giving them time-outs for their unbelievable behavior.
I’d come home after 5:00 pm (to give my wife a break from her hard work). I’d cook dinner, change over-flowing diapers which hadn’t been changed since lunch, read books, play with them, give them baths and put them to bed, only to turn right around and go back to work until sometimes midnight, come home, get a few hours of sleep and do it all over again the next day.
I was constantly degraded and emasculated for everything imaginable. I was separated from my family via her undeserved hatred for them. It was a miserable existence for a man.
I was determined to give my children the best life possible. Staying in an abusive marriage because I thought the damage my kids would suffer from having to go through a bad divorce was too great. According to my interpretation of the Bible, I only had the right to divorce her for infidelity or death. But after I was given an opportunity to find out how bad things were with my kids while I was away, I jumped on it.
After calling the police, PI’s, several attorneys and an investigator for the attorney general, I was confident that I had the right to do what I was about to do. I wound up placing a hidden “Nanny-cam” with both video and sound in my home to find out what was going on while I was away at work. I found out many things… The mental and emotional abuse that the children suffered from her was…. rage inspiring. I found out the kids were never horrible or disobedient like she had always claimed, and forced me to “do my fatherly duty” and punish them based solely on her word.
In fact the kids were terrified of her, sitting in corners of the house, never speaking, only begging for something to eat or drink while she slept till usually 10:30 am, then sat on the couch watching TV till 11:30 a.m. while the kids had nothing to eat or drink other than what I was able to hide in their room. 11:30 am, when she saw me driving up the driveway she would jump up, and run around the house throwing clothes and baskets around making it look like she had been working on laundry or something. Then she would complain of some imaginary stunt that our 3 year old had pulled, then scream at me, degrade me and humiliate me in from of my children and force me to punish her for these horrible deeds, all the while, (while later watching the nanny-cam tapes) I can hear my 3 year old crying in the background screaming “that’s not what happened!, No Mommy! I didn’t do that!” and in the other ear I have my ex- wife yelling at me to be a man and go spank her.
After seeing this behavior for many months, I took the kids and left her one morning at 5 a.m. while she was still asleep. I gave her a chance to get help. Our old counselor had told her she had Borderline Personality Disorder. I allowed her to stay in the house while me and the kids stayed with my family. I was going to pay all of her bills, till she could get better and we could be a family again. Two months after I left, she moved in with some guy, who she met in a bar, into my house. I promptly kicked them out and continued with the divorce.
Terrified at the possibility of what she could do to me, I was surprised to have her agree to minimal visitation with the kids, allowing me to retain full custody. She just didn’t want to pay child support. It seemed her new man was a favorable and well timed distraction for me and the kids. Keeping her pre-occupied with securing a new care-giver for herself, going out to bars every night with her new man’s band, drinking heavily, and doing drugs.
Three years went by, then she and her new husband (the man she moved into my house) have a new baby, and one more on the way, along with a lot of financial problems. She took me to court through a horrible custody battle where her main push was on how much child support she was going to get from me when she won custody. She claimed I was an unfit father, and had an entire list of fabricated and well thought out instances that she claimed happened, proving my incompetence as a Father.
To her surprise, I retained custody, even after she paid for the Psychological Custody Evaluator, who sided with me being the more fit parent. To the evaluator, she would lie and throw out accusations with no proof. She would accuse me of doing everything that she was doing, and she was a very convincing liar.
Now, over 4 years after the divorce and in her relentlessness and humiliation of repeated failures to get one-up on me, she is now suing me and my parents for $1/2 mil for privacy issues in violation of the Fed. Wire tapping laws (the old nanny cam I had placed in our old home).
I’m confident that she won’t win that either. It’s just another failed attempt after the failed PO, the three failed contempt charges she placed on me, and the failed custody battle. But the stress and anxiety caused by her constant attacks are very hard to deal with financially, emotionally and socially.
My kids are doing great now, and despite the stress and crazy life they have when they are at her house for her visitation, I have no doubt that my kids are still better off now than they would have been if I stayed with her. Even with my kids telling the teachers and everyone else that they don’t like going over to Mommies house because Mommy is mean, still, no-one seems to listen. The reason why is because my ex is good at what she does, keeping all of her traceable actions just a notch below the radar of what the law considers abuse.
These women, with the bias they enjoy in the court system, along with the consensus among the general public that kids should be with their mothers, they are almost unstoppable.
Men now seem to have this, guilty until proven innocent standard. I been told by many people that, for men/fathers, due process has been thrown out the window.
(USA) Also, to touch on another note. The Psychological Custody Evaluator’s opinion of the type of abuse my ex was inflicting on our kids was called “Gaslighting.”
This was also inflicted on me as well, but for the most part, I was too stubborn to completely believe that I was crazy. But it was extremely difficult to watch this happening to my kids. After talking with the evaluator, I went home and re-watched the 3 year old nanny cam tapes to confirm what he had said. He was absolutely right. It’s a subtle and confusing, yet very effective method of control. Anyone suffering from abuse from their spouse or anyone who suspects their children are being mentally abused should do some research on this. This link describes it pretty well, http://dividedheart.com/index.php?topic=1092.0 although there are many websites that discuss this form of abuse. I’d suggest reading them all.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I was married for 2 years when me and my wife had an agument and my she grabbed a knive to stab me. Fortunately, my reaction was quicker and I grabbed the knive away before she could get to it. Approximately 10 years later the same thing happened. She assaulted me twice over the years with her fists and I had blue marks all over my body. There were numerous outbursts – incidents where she would just “snap.”
I did the Christian thing – forgave her, because ultimately that’s what my Bible tells me to do and that was the way I was brought up. Over the years I have never spoken to anyone about it. It was as if it never happened. Marriage is forever – for good and for bad, that’s what I believed and what would I tell my elderly parents?!
Eventually, after 27 years of marraige, I decided to end it – I had enough and was scared she would kill me. I slept in my son’s room at that time and locked the door every night before I went to bed. It was a choice between two wrongs – either divorce and sin once or go on and sin every day or face being murdered!
What happened when she tried to stab me the first time:
– Two cornerstone of any relationship was gone, namely the trust and respect.
– I was ashamed – could not tell anyone. Self image was effected.
– Somehow I believed I deserved the treatment. – just the same as battered women do.
– We were soulmates before, but not any longer.
– There was an emotional separation which took place, which just grew over the years.
I got perspective and peace of mind about 2 years after we got divorced. She suffered a concussion in an accident about 1 year into marriage. She was never sent for scans or follow-up. It was after that incident that these outbursts started. Many times afterward she would not be able to remember what she did or said. I never drew the conclusions – thought it was PMS etc., until an attorney friend of me told me of a simular case.
I do not blame her today – I have forgiven her and started rebuilding my life. The fact that I started talking about my experieces helped, but the problem is that I still have nightmares about the incidents. Could anyone tell me whether hypnosis would help?
(USA) Hey Willem, I’ve considered counseling. I have even been to counseling, but most counselors seem to either have no idea on how to help me, or they just don’t believe my story all together. Although I no longer suffer from panic attacks. I do still have really bad anxiety attacks, almost daily. I’ve noticed myself regress into a more anti-social state of mind. And when do get out and about, I tend quickly recognize more and more of the tale tale signs of women with mental issues.
At this point, I’ve all but given up on ever finding a soul mate, concentrating all of my energy in work and my two kids who are still young and in school. It seems most women in my area are consumed with one type of sociopathic behavior or another. That is scary for me because I cannot even fathom what I would do if I found myself in another abusive relationship. And that seems to be the type of women I attract.
If hypnoses would work, that would be an awesome quick fix. Although I don’t want to live like this anymore. I certainly do not want to forget what I went through. I want to be able to recognize these issues in potential girlfriends to avoid getting myself into another bad relationship.
Hi Willem, I so sorry you’ve had to live through this situation in your marriage. I’m glad you are in a safer place in your life right now and hope your wife gets the help she needs — whether her behavior came about as a result of a concussion or not. It’s still not something that should go untreated.
As for hypnosis, honestly, I’d stay away from it. Dave makes a good point about being conscious in recognizing behavior to stay away from, and if you mess around with erasing memories, you could cause problems with recognizing harmful behavior. Yes, you need relief from the nightmares, but I really don’t recommend this as being a way to deal with it. Sometimes even frightening memories can be used in the future to help ourselves and others when help is needed.
I can tell you that I dealt with nightmares for a number of years — ones that concerned things that happened to me when growing up. I honestly didn’t think I could live like that anymore (& even became suicidal) … I didn’t see how they would end. And yet, eventually they did. I earnestly sought God’s help in healing me from these painful memories, and stopping the nightmares. I have to say that it took a long, long time. But one day, I realized that I hadn’t had the nightmares for a period of time. It surprised me that I hadn’t recognized it earlier, but was grateful. I still battled with memories that ambushed my peace of mind during the day at different times and that was extremely disturbing. However, I trusted God and found the strength to battle them and eventually, as I kept praying and seeking God’s help on this — even that started to subside.
Willem, God has been so faithful, to the point where I now no longer am plagued by these either. I look back at those abuses as something that happened to me in the past, but it is no longer who I am. It does not rule my thoughts and has no power over me. I now see how God has used what happened to me to help me to be more sensitive to those who are victimized and He continues to use it to help me give comfort to those who feel so very alone in their circumstance (as you are feeling now).
Please know that you are in a healing process. You can’t put a timetable on how this will go. How I wish it could be different, but for some reason it isn’t. Some people heal faster and with others, it takes more time — that’s just the way it is. But please lean into the healing; I believe with all my heart that as you do that, you will receive it. And when it is the right season to do so, pray that God will help you to help others who need comfort or even education on this matter. Truthfully, until I started studying and opening up my mind and ears to hear the pleas of men who are being abused, I never knew it was happening and that it is so prevalent. It’s something that needs to be taken out of the dark and brought into the light to be exposed and dealt with.
Yes, it’s often not safe for a man to do this. Many people are stupid and want to remain stupid in recognizing that this is a real problem. They will cause further harm in different ways in their ignorance. Women and children aren’t the only ones who suffer abuse, as society now recognizes. Many men are victims, as well. But if everyone keeps silent, ignorance has more of an opportunity to grow.
I’m not saying that you are to point to your wife, naming her publicly (unless God shows you to do this), but in this type of forum and any others that God shows you is good, it may be helpful in educating those who need it. However, if God shows you that for the purpose of personal healing or for other reasons between you and Him, that you are to stay quiet on this, please do so. Lean into the healing that God can give you, and follow His lead on this. Sometimes He heals instantly (which may still occur for you at some point) and other times He requires more from us in the process of healing.
Whatever is the case with you, I pray God will bring the healing into your memory and life that you need and will give you the strength needed during this redeeming process. May you be blessed and experience His peace!
(UNITED STATES) I am separated from my wife. I pretty much raised her children. She always called me names and has put her hands on me. She told me, I never did anything for her or for them. Yet I was the only one to pay all the bills for over 12 years.
It’s sad to say, but I am glad to not be with her. She was pretty much very negative and very selfish. I tried for years thinking things would change but they did not. I was in other words, living unhappy for years. I tried. I look at things now, as I did my best. Like they say, misery loves company. I don’t want none.
(UNITED STATES) What do I say to a woman who asks me questions about my relationship? I really get tensed up because I was so mistreated, so I don’t even know where to start. I just want to move foward in life, can you help me with this issue? Thank you.
(USA) I have been living in an abusive mentally and physically relationship for the last 5 years. For a good part of the marriage I put up with taking care of every menial task for my wife as we were trying to get her into Dental School. She got in and I along with her, studied every course, helped on assignments – I even wrote the whole application and taught her how to interview. I studied hours and hours to help even though i’m not a dentist.
During our time in school she has thrown things at me like the phone, punched and scratched me leaving scars, verbally abused me, accused me of not supporting her – even though I got all the loans and used all my money I saved to put into her dental school expenses so the loans would be low when she graduated – she had nothing – she didn’t even know how to write a resume.
I put up with it thinking that she should get her way as she was in school and not to upset her but now after, I see it was a BIG MISTAKE. She has become more abusive, more angry that she has to work. And tonight in the car she hit me again because after I told her during school very clearly “Never to put her hands on me again”.
After all I have done – she now makes abusive comments saying “you don’t do anything, you are so boring etc… etc.” I have tried my best before God to make this work, I have tried to be the best husband I can be but I can’t get my head around someone who is so unappreciative after all of this. I have no clue what entertainment I am supposed to provide as we live in a small town.
I am so confused as to why a person after getting married, would be like this. Any thoughts would be helpful.
(USA) Hey John. One of the things that helped me understand what was going on with my ex-wife, was seeking the help of a Christian counselor who specialized in helping women who suffer from these problems and who actually want help. I began seeing this counselor on my lunch hour in secret. Our sessions were geared toward helping me understand what actions I can take, and what words I can say that will help minimize the potential for her abusive behavior.
She was teaching me how to walk on egg shells; in an effort to keep our family together. Although I was not able to keep the family together, it did help me understand what was going on with her more. Knowing what I know now, I would have left her long ago. She simply cannot and will not be fixed…
If I had to do it all over again, I would have used my nanny camera more often. The trick is to catch them on video (without sound, and/or check your Federal, state and local laws on wiretapping to protect yourself from a potential future federal lawsuit) in the act of abuse so it is indisputable. Catch them doing it many times. That way when the inevitable abuse charges get filed on YOU, or the unavoidable divorce comes, at least you will be armed with proof of the truth, and not be charged for a crime which you did not commit.
From what I understand. In order for these type of women to be helped, they have to believe that they are actually doing something wrong. My ex would argue with me about her right to degrade me, and call me names in front of our children. How can anyone ever think it’s OK to degrade a parent in front of their own kids? You cannot reason with someone who is unreasonable.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have read a few of these mails on husband abuse but I feel that the issues are far deeper that they seem on the surface. Generally speaking, most men must remember that the marriage is primarily for the woman. Husbands should remember that some women (if not most) marry so that they can improve their status in life as individuals. The thing about being together & sharing stuff is not really appealing for them. The man must do this & that or else the verbal & emotional abuse kicks in from her.
The majority of reported domestic violence by men is actually precipitated by women; knowing very well that their manipulative powers on society & the law is far higher than that of men and the men will always be in the wrong. So there you are guys; you are stuck when you marry some of these sickos- I must admit though that there are still some good women out there; it all depends on upbringing & past environment.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi, The problem(s) I’m experiencing with my wife aren’t physical abuse or financial abuse, but emotional abuse. We have been married for over 30 years and have 4 grown up children ranging in ages from 24-27, all single and still living at home.
In short, my wife is a control freak. She wants to know the ins and outs and why fors of every aspect of our kids lives. She was once like that with me until I rebelled and started going to the beach or a bar for long periods without telling her where I was going. That resulted in the silent treatment for proplonged periods of time, which wasn’t altogether a bad thing, because she has a loud voice.
We were both married young and are from completely different cultures. Her Father was in the merchant navy and was away from home for long periods of time, he was a typical sailor and enjoyed his rum. He wasn’t abusive toward them in any way but was often drunk. They had servants to do the work for them and to this day, I still do all the cooking and shopping at home, as well as the budgeting and a lot of other stuff.
A good example of my wife’s input to the kid’s childhood was forcing my 7 yo daughter into getting dolled up to do physical culture (because my wife enjoyed it) and enrolling all the kids into a modelling agency because she thought they were so good looking (none wanted to do it).
My son who was 10 at the time was given a part as an extra in an opera that was appearing at the Sydney Opera House and I was the sucker that had to drive him 40 kilometers to rehearsals and performances 3 times a week for 6 weeks-the little bloke would often cry.
One Christmas I bought them each a pushbike and, when she saw them, she gave strict instructions they could not be ridden in our cul de sac any further than where she could see them (about 80 metres). The kids could not even ride to see their friends.
All that aside, the emotional abuse started when my then teenage daughter rebelled and ran away from home with a druggo several years older than her. When my wife tried to stop her, she called the police and had a restraining order taken out against both of us.
I tracked this fellow down and was going to sort things out but my wife stopped me. From time to time my daughter would arrange to see me (despite the restraing order) but never my wife.
Since then, my wife has become bitter toward me and has not so much as kissed me in 4 years. If I go to put my arm around her, it’s as if I have the plague.
When my brother passed away after a long and painful illness, the best she could do was say “sorry”. While the family were at his death bed, she stayed at the opposite side of the room hugging my daughter.
My daughter has since returned home and she treats her mother quite badly and disresepectfully, she is quite OK with me,
My wife still “monitors” every move our grown up children make by constantly calling or texting them on their mobile phones. I don’t have a mobile phone.
Recently the lack of affection became too much for me and I got drawn into sin. I became very drunk at a bar and was approached by a prostitute and I accepted her offer. I know it’s wrong but just being held again almost brought me to tears.
Now I have guilt with my wife and with God.
(GHANA) When a wife does such a thing she is not a good wife. All she needs is to be a kind wife and stand for the truth all the time in her life. This is a very good wife in this social world we now live.