When we think of domestic violence, we don’t often hear about husbands being abused. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet, there are many husbands who are the victims of spousal abuse. Yes, husband abuse is real; it does happen.
So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:
“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Men are considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!
“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”
Yes, Husband Abuse DOES Happen
We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that many, many husbands are the victims of abuse, more than people realize. Part of this is because it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help. This is especially true in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of emails from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t abuse back. But they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.
We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles, written on this subject to help. But there seems to be very, very little help available for abused husbands.
Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers “appear” to be less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is wrong no matter who is victimizing the other, male or female.
This article is written to give abused husbands a voice that is MUCH needed and overdue.
Husband Abuse: Different Types of Attacks
Maxine Marz wrote a Metronews.ca article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” where she had the following to say on this issue:
“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon. But still, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless very hurtful. In addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their spouse uses their children to assert her control over the relationship.
“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.
“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security. We need to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”
Husband Abuse: Out in the Open
To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope it will help husbands to better protect themselves.
The following is a Youtube video that shows a little taste of what some men go through as far as abuse. This is not a marriage situation. It is a boyfriend/girlfriend one where she is assaulting him in different ways, with part of it being caught on camera. It’s part 1 of a Tyra Banks television show that featured abusive women. The quality of this video isn’t the best. But the content is enlightening. Please watch and you will see a small part of what some men go through:
Different Standards for Husband Abuse
What struck me about the featured story is that if that man would have been the abuser, I believe with all my heart that the audience would have been outraged. But the woman was absolutely clueless as to the gravity of it all. Plus, the audience didn’t seem as moved, like they would have been if a woman was getting berated by the man. If he was acting as she did to him, the outrage would have been ramped up. But because it’s a woman hitting and berating a man, it’s more palatable. It shouldn’t be, because abuse is wrong no matter who commits it. And yet, that’s the way society views wife abuse as opposed to husband abuse. This is so, so wrong.
Stories of Battered Men
On a further note, the articles linked below, consist of stories of battered men. (Some of them are followers of Christ and others who are not.) In these blogs, they share their life experiences of being battered by women. Please read what they have written. Abused men and husbands need to be heard too:
• BATTERED MEN’S PERSONAL STORIES
Plus:
• SURVIVOR’S STORIES: Case Studies, Experiences & Stories of Male Victims
The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites. Please be aware of that. However, we believe they give good insights. They also provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good —that which lines up with Biblical standards. And then throw away that, which doesn’t apply to your situation. As you pray, the Lord will show you what NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.
Please click onto the link provided below to read:
• MALE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
— Additionally —
Many people ask why battered men don’t leave the abuse. They also question why do they remain silent? Murray A. Straus, a family violence researcher, gives this insight:
“There is a fear of having a 911 call turned around. If a man is being battered, is trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he’s been assaulted or that he needs the help of the police.
“Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury. This is because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a ‘real man’ would be able to keep her under control.”
And there are even more reasons. There is also help for men that are being abused. Read the following to learn more:
• WHY MEN DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
And:
Read, Even if the Article Needs to Be Adapted
In addition, please read other articles that are provided on this web site in the Abuse in Marriage topic. They mostly address wives who are victimized by husbands. (Sadly, it’s difficult to find info that addresses husbands who are victimized.) Even so, we encourage you to ask God to show you how to apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God can show you what advice you can use, and what you shouldn’t, or won’t be able to use.
We hope you find the help you need. May He help you as you reach out to Him —that is our prayer for you.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(USA) I need some advice. My son has been being abused by his wife since they have been together. She uses their children to get him to come back and says she won’t let him see them unless he does. They have only been married for one year. Their daughter is now four and their son turned two. She does have a son from a previous relationship which my son has treated as his own and he calls him dad until she gets mad then she tells him he can’t call him dad.
My son has been beaten, told he is a loser, and needs to make more money. She calls his work, and texts his boss nasty things. My son keeps going back, stays with me, then goes back and says they are going to go to counseling, which never happens.
Things seem to be getting worse. How can I help? I feel so lost. I can’t imagine how he feels. This last Friday he came to me and stayed and had marks all over his neck and was bleeding. He promised he was going to get separted and fight for custody and go to counseling, just him and his kids. The next night he went back.
I have three other grown children and they all told him they would help in any way. What can we do? I am getting very scared. Please help me to help my son and his children. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
(USA) I was abused pretty much every way you can think of during my 23 year marriage, and even after it ended last October. Ending it wasn’t my choice. I made a commitment for life and I intended to keep it. I also remembered the way the courts treated my father when my mother divorced him when I was 8 years old. I feared for my children’s safety without me there to protect them and direct the abuse my way. I still loved her and forgave her each time my nice wife reappeared, never holding her responsible for the actions of her evil twin.
If you are stuck in an abusive relationship, you need to check to see if the laws have changed where you are. I was surprised to find that in my state (Minnesota), they try to treat a man equally. Though the laws are written for equality there is still some prejuduce, but not like it used to be.
Right now I think I am mostly dealing with the shame of allowing myself to be abused for so long. I was such a weak man and would still be with her if she hadn’t found someone else and left me. I was finally able to release my love for her in March, I have been mostly happy since. Her hurtful comments no longer have the effect on me they used to, I am finally free, mostly anyway. There is an email she wrote just before Christmas that I can’t get out of my head when I am on a date. If she didn’t read a book for ideas on how to destroy a man she should write it.
Good luck to all those still going through this. I’m not religous but still appreciate prayers. I’ll just send some of my positive vibs and love back your way :) .
(USA) I have been married for two years. My wife and I have been together for a total of 6 years. I have worked so hard to provide for her and my three step daughters.
I am very rough around the edges. A loud voice, a bad temper etc. I have worked very hard to curve my temper and even sought counseling; we both did for a time. What the counselor witnessed was that I am not given the chance to finish a sentence in average interacting. He witnessed that she acts like the world is against her. He suggested that I am not abusive but very frustrated and overly dominated.
Personally, I have read on abuse quite a bit along with other subjects according to anger management. I think that I have crossed the line with my shouting many times. Not right, but I have done this.
I continue working hard and my wife insults me for it. She says I work so hard because I am so extreme. She says that I am too extreme with the girls. When she and I first got together, our 9 year old could not read a clock. When I found this out, I reacted by trying to teach her. Our daughter didn’t like this, though I never gave up. She reads a clock because I insisted. My wife accused me of being too black and white, she’d be ok without that skill, her mind wasn’t ready for it.
This is a parralell for so much behavior in our house. On the other hand, if our daughters are defiant to her, she says out loud they don’t like her and really sticks it to them. She uses embarassment tactics against them. As a result, our girls are afraid and lack simple skills of confidence. I can’t blame them. My confidence is gone as well. To make it better, she is calling my parents and telling them that I am abusive. She really acts it out too.
She is currently staying at her ex husbands house. She likes to portray herself as a victim. I am feeling like I am in real danger, legally, because of her accusations. Even though I have never raised a hand. When a woman says abuse, a man is left without a leg to stand on.
Can anyone tell me, legally, is the damage to our marriage complete? Are my attempts to work it out a good idea, or what should I do? Like I said, I have been beaten down so badly, emotionally, I don’t know what to do.
(USA) My wife literally constantly abuses me both verbally and physically, every single day. She belittles me and always calls me worthless trash and many, many other names of which I will not mention here. She always immediately starts hitting me whenever she gets upset about anything (which takes extremely little) and she punches me in the back of the neck or whatever she can manage to do whether I’m busy driving or wherever we are. She will strike me in any way she can at any time. She also quite often will use something to hit me with or will throw something trying to hit me with it. These items are most always something that if it were to strike ANYONE it could very easily seriously harm or even kill them. She will select the largest, hardest, or sharpest items that are on hand and never for much of any reason at all.
She has been arrested and spent the night in jail for one incident when I called the police on here while she was abusing me early in our marriage. I did not press any charges on her, nor did I desire at all for her to be arrested, all I wanted was to try to get through to her and for her to listen to me and stop abusing me. The officers after seeing the marks on my body, called me a poster child for domestic violence and they decided to take her in against my wishes. After that incident she has been MUCH, MUCH, worse and quite more abusive both verbally and physically and says that I betrayed her because of her being arrested.
She has complete and total control over all the money I bring in, which the majority of the time I have been the only one working. She has most of it in her accounts to which I have no access, nor do I even have a clue as to what is in there. She is always planning to leave and take our soon to be born child with her, even to another country, where she is from.
She will always get on the phone daily and tell people lies about me trying to get them all to believe that she is the victim and that she has it so bad. Whenever she abuses me, either verbally or physically, she will then get on the phone and tell someone that I was the one who abused her.
I have never once hit her, not even in defense. I have held her as gently as I could without harming her, but just enough to try to keep her from hitting me or destroying whatever she can, though that of course only makes her worse. If I leave, then she spends the entire time on the phone telling lies about me to whomever she can.
As I type this, my head is bleeding from a vase which contained flowers I got for her, was taken up by her as she tried to hit me with it, I grabbed her arm to stop it and when I let go and tried to leave the room, she then threw it at my head and it broke over my head. This is a very common thing with her.
She never stops the verbal abuse and it has driven me to the absolute point of near complete insanity. I just don’t know what I can do and always feels so helpless. She does it no matter if we are in our own private home, which all the neighbors hear anyway, or even if we are in public. She yells constantly and hits me whenever she has the opportunity to do so.
This is also supposed to be a Christian woman, who reads her Bible almost daily, though she always speaks negatively every day. She doesn’t even allow me to have anything to do with my prior children from a prior marriage and only says that my now neglect for them is something else she can use in court against me.
I haven’t even really begun to describe what I have been going through.
(CANADA) I feel your pain, as I am in the same situation and finally left my house last night. Hang in there and focus on Jesus Christ.
(CANADA) For the sake of all Christian husbands out there. If you are suffering physical abuse, bring your issues to God and watch what happens. You’ll notice one of two things. Either your wife will stop the abuse and be loving towards you. Or alternatively, she’ll continue the abuse and really start to suffer. By suffer I mean illnesses, diseases, …you name it. Until she is broken, she won’t stop.
Above all things, turn to God and make Him first in your life. I actually feel blessed sometimes when my wife becomes abusive. It allows me to focus all of my attention on Jesus and be thankful that this marriage will end sooner or later. Sooner as in she will be taken away long before me, or later as in there is no marriage in Heaven. Don’t lose hope and know that God has your place reserved in heaven.
Find comfort in Christian friends. If you don’t have any, there are plenty of Christian groups where you can find them or at your church. If your wife is insecure and always accusing you of cheating, then be patient and endure for a time. Believe me, she will suffer a lot more than you for her mistreatment of you. I know, because I suffer abuse daily. If only to bring me in a closer relationship with Him. That when she is removed from my life, I may live fully for His purpose.
(USA) My wife is lazy, throws the bill money away, will not cook, clean, or do laundry. And I end up doing it all.
All she does from 5:00 am until about 10:00 pm is text message, email, and play online games. She gets on chat lines, and talks dirty to other men, I mean real dirty, but has zero affection for me. She was chatting, and messaging a man in the army, that I think is a scam. She keeps sending money to the scam, even says I need $400.00 and askes me when I’m half a sleep. She says I need to borrow $400.00 I will pay you back today. Then 2 days later, shes says it’s not her boy friend’s place to keep up our children. I say you’re right, but you are responsible to pay back the $400.00, then she says if I have to pay you back I’ll get you for child support. She has been threating to leave every 6 to 8 months at a time.
She even runs around the house saying I have a new boyfriend, and I am leaving you, and going to marry him. Then never leaves. She always says when I get a job I’m gone, but its been over 4 years since she has had a job. On top of this she goes around telling a lot of lies about me, and how I treat her. And this is just the tip of the iceburg. She goes to church, but acts like the devil. She keeps jumpimg from church to church, and says I am supposed to follow her. I am tired of church jumping, so I stayed at the last church we attended. She buys food to cook for her church, while me and the kids do without.
I am on disability, and have tried to get a job, but no one will hire me. Then she gets a lump sum of $3800.00 from our daughter’s disability and spends it all. She doesn’t pay a penny on any of the bills. She got an accident settlement of $2326.00 and spent it all, and again not a penny on bills.
She got it in April, my truck broke down in May, and it’s now September, and not fixed yet. She had the money for the repairs, but kept it secret, until I found out, but says she hasn’t gotten anything from the lawyer yet. But I had to pay for her car repair with my money just 4 months before this.
To top it off My Mother dies from cancer and leaves me $3500.00 after the funeral, and expenses, for me to buy a better truck. I didn’t put it in the joint back account, but kept in a locked cabenit. And you guessed it; she got it, and spent it all. Then tried to say that one of the children got it. Yea right, she is the only one comming up with money.
Then she buys things, and says I met a friend from my old job, and she bought this for me, then tells our daughter, I’m getting good at lying to your dad, and laughs about it. I am not stupid. I know she is lying to me. I could go on, and on about what she has done to me but I would be here all day.
She found the key, and got all of it. I really want het to leave but she keeps comming back. She is now in a motel in a town 40 miles away waiting for her boyfriend, that I think is from the scam she keeps sending money to. I have no idea of what she is doing there, leaving me stranded with a broken down truck, and no way to go. So I guess you could say I am an abused husband.
(EUROPE) Thank you for this article. I actually can’t find anything else worth reading. And still nothing that helps me with what I’m going through. My wife doesn’t “batter” me or steal. But I find myself in a very “doormat” type situation. My wife is very controlling, sometimes suffers big headaches and doesn’t trust easily. She’s had a hard life in her teens and as a result I feel like her verbal punch bag.
Funny thing is, when we talk about it, it ends up with it being a problem with me… On a spiritual level the situation makes me feel dead, hopeless. I feel like I’m losing my patience (of which I had tones). I so wish she had a element of gentleness in her. Whilst I don’t believe I’m the victim of abuse, there must be men in the same situation as me.
Surely the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I had these and I feel like I’m losing them as a result of her nagging and verbal aggression (public and private) + no affection, yet my wife says she wants more affection from me… I’m so confused.
(Romania) There are men in almost the exact situation as you. I’m just one who responds publicly, but surely there are lots of us, who have a hard time to admit publicly that their female partner is abusing them.
(USA) I’ve been married to my wife for over 3 yrs. I found out my wife was having an affair; I didn’t do anything. The next morning my wife went and filed a restraing order on me and had me put out the home by the police and guns and told them I was violating the order. That was the last thing I would think that my wife would do.
None the less, I went to court for the judge to throw it out. I went back home about a little less than a month ago. When I came home I asked my wife was it ok if she slept in our daughters room so I can sleep in the bed. She agreed to sleep elsewhere then changed her mind and came back to the room to kick me out of the bed. In turn she called the police again and said I punched her in the chest. I was put out again with a restraining order. I went to court and again it was thrown out.
At this time, even though I still love my wife, I filed for divorce. In the meantime she filed an appeal so we went to court and again they throw it out. So my wife I guess had to think of something to have me removed for a long time. So I went home to see that my wife was cooking out and I asked her what’s all this? She stares and says what does it look like? I went back into the house and my wife comes in amd tells me I’m not allowed in the home. I told her I want to invite family and she said not while I’m here.
The next day a policemen came in my home and told she filed a third restraing order. I’m furious and at this point they put my out again. Not one time did I touch my wife. I go to court this time and she brings a picture of briuses and said they were hers. I know I didn’t do this but the order was granted. I have never seen a woman do this to ever.
I know my wife is sick so I pray for her. We had a beautiful marriage; almost everyday was a date. We did have problems but I thought we handled them learning each other was what we were doing. I don’t see us ever getting back our marriage but if we did it would probably be stronger then it ever was. But I too am a victim of the system and how my wife made a mockery of the system but I’ve been holding it together and I’m not allowed to see my stepchildren either.
I’m gonna leave it all to God. I have another court date cause she said I assaulted her by punching her in the chest. I’m in the process of getting an attorney. Man, love hurts!
(USA) My wife always yells at me, calls me names, throws things at me, and most of the time she orders me to do things for her. She doesn’t say please but she yells at me. She never cleans, always throws things everywhere and she wants me to clean up after her. We’ve been married for 2 years now and she is the same.
I ask her to change all the time but I can see it will never happen. Anyway, she wants to have a baby but I’m afraid she’ll disrespect me front of him. I don’t know what to do. I love her but I’m always asking myself if that is enough. So if anyone has any advice please give it. I’ll be grateful. Thank you.
(USA) Asem, You need to change things in a BIG way. First off, DON’T have a child at this point. Do what you can to prevent her from becoming pregnant. It’s frightening to even THINK she “wants” to have a baby. You have major marriage problems going on right now. You don’t need to be bringing a child into this type of chaos. If you think your wife is demanding at this point, wait until there is a child who has many, many, many more needs to be taken care of. If you think your wife will take care of them, think again. You can predict future behavior from past and present behavior… and how’s that working out so far, with her being attentive to what needs to be done?
I encourage you as strongly as I can to find a “marriage-friendly” counselor (you can read about that term in our “Marriage Counseling” topic). If your wife won’t go with you (which is a REAL possibility), then I encourage you to go alone. You need to figure out how to change the disrespectful behavior that’s going on. This IS abusive behavior, and horribly disrespectful. It can’t continue. You aren’t doing anyone any good by meeting her demands and accepting that type of behavior. Thankfully, you don’t have children yet, to witness this. Try to keep it that way until and unless things change (and you are certain they are permanent changes).
You’re still young in your marriage, so NOW is the time to redirect the path of your marital relationship. Don’t wait. FIND a way to afford this (if your excuse is that you don’t feel you can afford it). And if she doesn’t like it… do it anyway. If you need to remove yourself from living with her because of her volatility, while you get help, then do it. Read the other comments in this blog to see how bad things can get. You can be as clean as it comes as far as abusive behavior and yet she can turn it around with the authorities so that it looks like YOU’RE the one to blame. Don’t put yourself in that place.
You are a commendable man –one who deserves to be viewed and treated with respect. But right now your wife obviously doesn’t see it that way. Her actions speak as loud as her words to declare that, as far as that being her perception. Please get the help you need NOW. I truly believe that’s the ONLY way your marriage has a chance of surviving. Time will not be your friend here. Please don’t drag this drama out any longer –it will only get worse. NOW is the time to work on these matters.
(USA) I lost my job 5 years ago and now my wife (of 21 yrs) scares me verbally and mentally. She doesn’t hit me, just scared of her threats.
(USA) I often wonder why there are so many resources for the victims but not for the abuser? I am a woman who hates getting violent with her husband during altercations. I would love to find advice on how to keep it from happening in the first place. I have called 10 different programs in my area for anger management, each of them has told me that I must be referred because of a crime committed! I’d rather not wait until the cops are involved to change.
I don’t expect sympathy for my actions but I would like to have more information on how to help myself and keep my relationship within respectful bounds. I love my husband very much and want to change my behavior, only it seems like I can’t find any info anywhere on how to change. Maybe a follow up article would be helpful for people like me tht want to be better spouses.
(USA) Hi Jen, We actually do have some articles that can help with anger management, when applied. I just now included them into the “Abuse in Marriage” topic. (Previously, they were just featured in the “Communication and Conflict” topic and now they are featured in both — actually three places, because I put them into the “Communication Tools” topic, as well so they are MUCH easier to find.) They also have links to additional articles to read.
They are titled, “How to Deal with Your Anger,” and “Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion,” and “Stop Your Implosive and Explosive Responses to Anger,” and “Managing Your Anger by Using the Triple P Method.” There’s also one of the Marriage Messages included in the tags at the end, which deals with managing anger. I hope these articles will help everyone concerned, including you. Jen, I commend you for looking for help now, rather than later. I pray the best for you and your husband.
(CANADA) I feel very sad for those who are being abused and have asked for help. I myself have been abused, but nowhere to the degree that some of you have, and as there’s two sides of the story I admit that I can be very nagging and annoying and could have been blamed for driving her nuts at times.
Anyway, my advice is simple: in marriage, you vow to cherish one another and to serve one another. The key is WILL. You BOTH have to want it to work. Before getting into marriage, you BOTH have to go to marriage counselling and have a mutual understanding of what marriage is. Marriage is NOT about being perfect, but about BOTH WANTING TO BE PERFECT.
When in marriage, what I’ve found in general is that my wife is like a mirror: she’ll be super sweet when I’m super sweet, and super nasty when I’m nasty.
Sometimes I can let the stresses of life get to me, and I can complain too much and forget to be a “Prince Charming”. Sometimes it’s the other way round -I’ve found my “peace” for months on end, and then my Wife will disturb that peace and yell at me out of impatience and then that will trigger me to slowly regress into a foul mood. The point is: regardless of the circumstances of life, we must always be vigilant of our behavior and treat our Wives like how we treat people in the work-place: always conscious that we are not offensive, and never taken for granted.
Marriage is hard work, but both must be willing to put in the hard work. To avoid getting into a marriage where only one side wants to put in the work – go to counselling before marriage!! If you’re already married, then you have to assess whether your spouse is willing to put in the work to fix it. If the answer is “no” – then I believe there is no choice but to get a divorce. If you have children, there is MORE HARM in staying in an abusive marriage than getting a divorce, because your children may model the behavior in the future: either they become abusive or they themselves sub-consciously get into an abusive relationship with the goal of fixing what their parents could not.
And if you spouse is threatening to lie about you in court: put in secret cameras and tape the conversations!! Even if you cannot use it in court, you can certainly play it to your friends and use that as a defense against your spouse. Most women hate being embarrassed in public and if you have a weapon like video or audio recording to use against her, that may stop her from telling lies. You have to be smart, appear strong and beat her at her own game. If you appear weak and submissive, you will be stepped on.
Remember – no one changes if they don’t want to. Good luck, and God bless.
(KENYA) I think husband beating is an immoral and unethical behavior. The husband is the head of the family as Christ is the head of the church. If the church rises up against Christ then all will be a mess. Husbands have to be respected even if you are the bread winner; because that is what makes wives to be irrespective to their husbands. The cases of men being abused are not seriously looked into because they say men are more powerful than women.
(USA) Hello, I would first like to say this is a great website. I read some great stories on here and I would like to share minds. I would like to tell you a little about myself and my situation. I am married but am separated at this time. I am praying to God to restore my marriage. However, I was the cause of my marriage falling apart. I was the abuser in my marriage and I abused my husband emotionally and physically. Therefore yes, women can be the abuser, however I confessed my sin to my father and forgave myself and am seeking my husband’s forgiveness through divine intervention through Christ to touch my husband heart. At this point I am at peace with myself and God.
My story, to make it short, started out like this. I married my husband from another country, I live in the USA. The long distance cause some of the problem. I love my husband and know that he loves me. I have a history of running men off with my bad attitude, impatience, demanding, getting mad when I cannot get my way, am angry, sometimes violent, controlling, and insecure.
Like I was saying the long distance didn’t make me any better or nicer to my husband. It started out great and my husband is a good person that loves his friends. I on the other hand didn’t have any friends. I live a lonely life but am cool with it because though I may be an angry person at times when things do not go my way, I like peace. Therefore, I keep to myself. I have a very good side of me too. I can be very loving, sweet, caring, very giving, unselfish, kind, helpful and I’ve always been told I have a big heart.
My husband is the same way and also has his issues. I would like to say my husband suffers with being passive aggressive. He had some childhood issues and so did I. Therefore, we both bring out each other worst in the past.
I became very envious of my husband having a lot of friends and how he spoke highly of them. I became very jealous of his 2 friends that he is close to. The one friends is a girl. I didn’t find out about her until after the wedding. That made me feel very insecure. I felt like I never had the chance to not get married because of him having a female best friend that he works with. I started to resent their friendship and became very insecure. He was best friends with a guy. I resent their friendship because whenever his friend comes to this country he spends lots of time with him and I felt like he forgot about me. But that was my own negative thinking and I was just jealous because my husband had a life and I didn’t. My life was him and his daughter and he didn’t center me around his world.
So it got very ugly. One time he checked me and told me about myself, said I was jealous that he had friends and I didn’t, how I was just lonely and miserable. He was speaking the truth and y’all know the truth hurts. So after that all gloves were off. I started showing him my bad side and I brought him up I tore him down. I let him feel my wrath. I went as far as calling him gay names, emailing his friend, calling them both gay. I called him all kind of names hoping and wishing he would die. I said some very horrible stuff, making comments about his privates, making up stuff to hurt him and tear him apart. My husband is super stubborn so we would go weeks without talking because I am also stubborn. I always had to fix things. Maybe once or twice he came back around. We would make up and I started getting mad with him ignoring his calls. I would hang up the phone on him. One time I ended up changing my number and that hurt him real bad.
Another thing is my husband do not like argue or fight at all. I, on the other end, love to argue and can be nitpicky and for no reason will find a reason.
Now it’s gotten so bad between us that he now does everything I used to do to him. He ignores my calls, hangs up the phone on me, does not call back. The tables have turned. My husband is super stubborn and he can stick to his guns, unlike me, I do not stay mad long at all, but am stubborn.
He hurt me the last time I was in his country with his female best friend. She called his phone and called him honey. I was so livid I ended up hitting him and got very physical with him. I was extremely mad about this and was mad for almost year after we made up. After it happened he never felt bad about it so I started committing adultery when I got back home. I even tried when I was up there but I just couldn’t do it. I did it twice in 2 weeks before he moved to the state with me.
Yes, I still applied for him to come here because I really love my husband and I know that I have issues. He tries to deal with me. Even though things were rocky I wanted to keep our marriage. I never forgave what happened the last time I was in his country. Before he came up here I used to throw it up in his face during a fight how I slept with somebody else, and say other bad things to him. All during this ordeal I did try to seek God because a good friend of mine told me not to give up and to start reading my Bible. It helped a whole lot and I started going to counseling. That is when my husband felt like it was okay to come down and give our marriage a shot.
Well, he got here and things fell apart in a month. I started to become very abusive toward him because all of the things we went through in the past. It made me hate him on some days so that I couldn’t understand anything that was wrong with him. I would lash out and start fighting with him, especially when I’d drink. Well, he ended up moving out and ran to some people’s house he didn’t know. A co worker helped him there. That really made me bitter. I found other things that made me believe he may have cheated on me. To this day I do not know for sure if he cheated or not.
I asked God to reveal these things to me but he was telling me that he was looking for friends because he was afraid of me –that he was looking for place to stay in case I got too out of hand with physically hitting him. So we were going at it for over a month. Then one day we talked about spousal support and working on our marriage again. At this time I was in a very very dark place. My intention to get my marriage back was bad. I was out for blood.
I was hating God. I always loved him but didn’t have a strong faith. God knows my heart and knew that I tried to seek him and I tried to get my husband there. But I couldn’t with all the sinning going on between us. I even wanted to end me and my husband’s life. It was so bad. The devil had me so gone. I met up with my husband one night, had a few drinks, and we got into it. I just snapped and cut him. I ended up in jail and I was so afraid that I immediately went to God, repented, asked him to save me and he did.
Don’t y’all know? God answered me. I am on the right path. I had to stay in jail for 9 days. My family tried everything to get me out and God wasn’t having it. He was working on me while I was in jail and the things he did to me and made me see was nothing but blessings. He showed me so many things in those 9 days. It was supposed to be a horrible experience but turned out to the best thing that could ever happen to me and I am so grateful that god stepped in and save my life. I am so happy that I am still here and it is a new year. I am so happy that my husband didn’t get hurt real bad because I saw some lady in jail that murdered her husband and she was so gone.
I felt my husband’s pain when inmates were being mean to me for no reason. I saw so many things. God taught me so many things. I was always in the Bible praying and praying. I confessed all of my sins to him. I forgave everybody that I was holding grudges with in my past. I forgave them all. I forgave my husband and prayed that he’d forgave me. I did a lot of confessing and asking for forgiveness. I even forgave myself and my past. God has renewed my heart. He cleansed my sin and still is. My heart is now so light. I am no longer angry, bitter, nor hold any maliciousness in my heart. I have no resentment towards nobody. It is filled with love, joy and peace. God is so good!!! I give all the glory to God!!!
I feel so good that I prayed for God to restore my marriage. I know he is going to restore it even through trials and tribulations I am going through! I have no worries about court or anything. I believe God is going to take care of all of that for me because he does everything for a reason and wanted my soul and he got it!!! I believe he is going to restore my marriage too because he gave me a scripture. It is 1 Peter 3:1. I know that all he wants is to get me right with him, make some changes within me for the better so my husband can see the new me and how god works and to get him in Christ.
One thing I can say is that my husband and I always talked about the Lord. We both always talked about getting saved and even getting baptised together as husband and wife. The greatest thing is my husband loves the Lord. He is not an unbeliever at all. That’s why I know God is going to bring us back together, maybe not in my time but in his time because God’s timing is perfect. I know God is going to have to fix some things in my husband too because my husband’s passive aggressiveness alone, used to drive me crazy. lol!
I am learning to be patient. That’s always been my problem, controlling my anger (which I hardly have any). I am working on loving myself, loving God always, learning his words to apply them in my life, giving to others, walking in God’s way that he planned for me. I want to be ready and allow God to make these changes thoroughly so when he does restore my marriage, my husband will give his life to Christ after he see how much God took care of me and made changes in me.
I already feel like a new person. My favorite Psalm that I meditate on is Psalm 51. I used to just say it for myself. Now I say it for me and my husband. God is sooooo good. I thank him for his glory!!! I am so happy that he brought me out of the darkness and to the light! I hope my story helps somebody and lets them know God is good and real. He can bring you out of that darkness. Being an abuser is not worth it. Do not end up in jail like me, to find God. Do it now. Get help now! Respect your husband. Treat him like the king he is and he will treat you like a queen.
I can say my husband treated me like a queen but I was too negative and was in a very dark place with lots of baggage when I got married. Now I am staying on God’s word and am faithfully working for him to restore my marriage. I know he is going to restore it in Jesus’ name. Amen!
Please feel free to ask me any questions or leave your comments. I also ask people to pray for me and not judge me. I know what I did was wrong. I confess it all to the good Lord and he forgave me. I can feel that he did. I ask for people to please pray for me and my husband. Keep us in your prayers as I will do the same. God is good and always on time!!! Oh, and God has a sense of humor too. Since I’ve been out of jail I have not heard anything from my husband yet. God’s been supplying all of my needs and oh yes, the devil is busy. He put all kinds of thoughts into my head saying things like, “your husband doesn’t want you; he’s got a new girlfriend; your husband hates you; his family hates you; he doesn’t love you anymore, on and on.” I just cry sometimes because it bothers me and not knowing the unknown of faith and what God is doing can be scary. Especially because of what the devil is saying to me, I just cry and get on my knees and pray.
Please pray for us. I would love to chat with others on here because I am in Christ, married and have a story to tell. To all the husband’s that have been abused, there is still hope. If God can fix me he can fix your wife! Nothing is impossible with God.
I’m so sorry that you have been tormented by your emotions for so long in your life. Very glad to hear you have received Christ as your Savior. He will help you in the area of your emotions as you walk with Him in the Spirit. I hope you are in the mean time seeking professional counseling in dealing with what sounds like BPD. Please research this so you know exactly what you’re battling against.
Hi, how are things going? I’m abused, as well, by my wife and I don’t know what to do.
(CANADA) My brother has been married to a physically, verbally and financially abusive woman for almost 10 years. They have four children. She was always controlling and had the tendency to overreact and become depressive and anxious but things really went south about three years ago when she had a major mental break and destroyed their home.
She was treated and became functional for a while but the episodes came closer together and escalated. She ran up bills, hurled accusations and obscenities in front of the children, crashed cars on purpose, vandalized things, was violent (he has never hit her). Most recently she drove at over double the speed limit, passing cars, ignoring the police behind her, with two of their children in the car.
She was released from hospital right away (stupid system) and returned to the home to attempt to abduct the children. She did not get away with the children but punched my mother who was helping care for them, assaulted my brother and attempted to run him over with their truck. He is pressing charges and they are separating. I am hoping the courts will see reason and give him sole custody and that she will never get unsupervised access. She is a very dangerous woman.
I fear she will try to abduct the children and that she may kill my brother on purpose or even the children by mistake. My dear brother is a good man and stood by her through her mental illness but he can’t and shouldn’t do it anymore. It’s hard for him because he says when she is well he still loves her but she is sick and dangerous and not taking responsibility for her well being (stopped taking medications).
I hope for their safety and for him to stay strong. She can present well. She is small so she doesn’t look dangerous (but she is). She can be charming and act “normal” but she is the craziest person I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing. He is pressing assault charges and she is in a forensic hospital being assessed. He wants her to get help. I couldn’t care less what happens to her as long as she stays away from them. He has been letting her talk to the children on the phone. I’m against this but it’s not my call. I and my Dad have told him we feel this way though and I think he’s reconsidering.
Does anyone with experience or expertise have views on how much communication she should have with the children with their best interests at heart? I have said that I will help care for the children as long as I don’t have to deal with their mother. How else can I help my brother and his kids?