When we think of domestic violence, we don’t often hear about husbands being abused. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet, there are many husbands who are the victims of spousal abuse. Yes, husband abuse is real; it does happen.
So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:
“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Men are considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!
“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”
Yes, Husband Abuse DOES Happen
We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that many, many husbands are the victims of abuse, more than people realize. Part of this is because it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help. This is especially true in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of emails from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t abuse back. But they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.
We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles, written on this subject to help. But there seems to be very, very little help available for abused husbands.
Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers “appear” to be less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is wrong no matter who is victimizing the other, male or female.
This article is written to give abused husbands a voice that is MUCH needed and overdue.
Husband Abuse: Different Types of Attacks
Maxine Marz wrote a Metronews.ca article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” where she had the following to say on this issue:
“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon. But still, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless very hurtful. In addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their spouse uses their children to assert her control over the relationship.
“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.
“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security. We need to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”
Husband Abuse: Out in the Open
To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope it will help husbands to better protect themselves.
The following is a Youtube video that shows a little taste of what some men go through as far as abuse. This is not a marriage situation. It is a boyfriend/girlfriend one where she is assaulting him in different ways, with part of it being caught on camera. It’s part 1 of a Tyra Banks television show that featured abusive women. The quality of this video isn’t the best. But the content is enlightening. Please watch and you will see a small part of what some men go through:
Different Standards for Husband Abuse
What struck me about the featured story is that if that man would have been the abuser, I believe with all my heart that the audience would have been outraged. But the woman was absolutely clueless as to the gravity of it all. Plus, the audience didn’t seem as moved, like they would have been if a woman was getting berated by the man. If he was acting as she did to him, the outrage would have been ramped up. But because it’s a woman hitting and berating a man, it’s more palatable. It shouldn’t be, because abuse is wrong no matter who commits it. And yet, that’s the way society views wife abuse as opposed to husband abuse. This is so, so wrong.
Stories of Battered Men
On a further note, the articles linked below, consist of stories of battered men. (Some of them are followers of Christ and others who are not.) In these blogs, they share their life experiences of being battered by women. Please read what they have written. Abused men and husbands need to be heard too:
• BATTERED MEN’S PERSONAL STORIES
Plus:
• SURVIVOR’S STORIES: Case Studies, Experiences & Stories of Male Victims
The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites. Please be aware of that. However, we believe they give good insights. They also provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good —that which lines up with Biblical standards. And then throw away that, which doesn’t apply to your situation. As you pray, the Lord will show you what NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.
Please click onto the link provided below to read:
• MALE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
— Additionally —
Many people ask why battered men don’t leave the abuse. They also question why do they remain silent? Murray A. Straus, a family violence researcher, gives this insight:
“There is a fear of having a 911 call turned around. If a man is being battered, is trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he’s been assaulted or that he needs the help of the police.
“Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury. This is because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a ‘real man’ would be able to keep her under control.”
And there are even more reasons. There is also help for men that are being abused. Read the following to learn more:
• WHY MEN DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
And:
Read, Even if the Article Needs to Be Adapted
In addition, please read other articles that are provided on this web site in the Abuse in Marriage topic. They mostly address wives who are victimized by husbands. (Sadly, it’s difficult to find info that addresses husbands who are victimized.) Even so, we encourage you to ask God to show you how to apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God can show you what advice you can use, and what you shouldn’t, or won’t be able to use.
We hope you find the help you need. May He help you as you reach out to Him —that is our prayer for you.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
Hi, I’m one of the abused husbands. I’m married and physically abused and I don’t want to hit back.
My neighbor was verbally abused by his wife. I would hear her yelling at him. He may have been physically abused but I never saw it. He told others she didn’t love him anymore and drove him nuts. He just hung himself a few days ago.
I have a wife that is passive aggressive, which withholds love and affection. She tells me she loves me but all her body language and behavior, tells me otherwise.
She experienced CSA and I feel that is a big part of our marriage issues that are never resolved. She minimizes the affect that had on her. She has zero conflict resolution skills. If pressured to discuss our problems, she is hostle/angry but she would much rather practice avoidance. She always finds a way to be the “victim”. She seems to view me as competition. After 30 years of marriage I am contemplating divorce. Has anyone else experienced this type dilemma? Would this be considered abuse?
I am in the exact situation and worst part with my case is she’s with the advise of her mother and step father who live 5000 miles away from us in our country. Constantly create sin and deliberately starts to argue and the shouting and screaming and tries to push me to my limits to get physical with her and the press charges against me in order to kick me out of the house that I purchased before marrying her and has even no equity on it! she works and keeps all the money and do not spend a dime and basically use the house as a free hotel and there is nothing I can do. I asked her million times to sign a settlement agreement and get divorce after 6 months because we do not have any child but she refuses and wants to make it as ugly as possible because she has a sick manipulative mind. In Virginia if there is no child with a settlement agreement you can get divorce otherwise you have to wait and suffer 12 months then court will decide to hear your case.(this is called justice!!) I can not afford to move because the mortgage is under my name and have to pay that plus rent for new place for 12 months even after that it will take a while for judge to order her to move out or not because she won’t be able to finance the house on her name either. I have been taken as a hostage and there is nothing I can do and this situation emotionally and psychologically is killing me and breaking me. I pray God to help me over come this.
Sir, I have lived in a similar situation for 33 years. I married my wife at Ft Monro, then left for 3 and a half years, as you know the needs of the navy come first. When I came home it was my father, the community I was coming back to and the job I was on Military leave from, that were influencing my Bi Polar wife. The Midwestern state I live in had a guardianship slapped on me the second day I was back.
My father wanted me to not disrupt other lives by using my Accrued seniority at the transmission plant I worked in. I came back with more than 60 percent of the 7000 person work force. He wanted me to observe special privilege in the community, work instead of the children of high political and social figures in the community rather than taking the jobs, shifts, holidays, vacation slots and even weekends. He even told me the one instruction I was expected to follow was to shut up and do as I was told.
My wife said just for a short time if I did not cause any anger or take something someone else needed then she would allow our marriage to become right. Because she was Bi Polar, Scizo effective the state wanted more than I could ever come up with and denied a divorce on those grounds. I was forced to stay sexless, work 12 hours a day every day until 2009 when I became so depressed I developed MRSA in my spine.
The six days I was allowed off by my father and coworkers was around getting a tumor removed from my brain stem July 31 2001. My father felt I was causing too much havoc with peoples vacations that really needed them.
After MRSA I was In rehab 3 more years and upon my return home I found my wife in a new dress getting ready to go to a political fund raiser with my fathers best friend. This was not my proudest day. First I told my wife that I was now home and expected my life to be as any other husbands life, sex included. I told her what she owed me for 31 years of supporting her while she played social butterfly. I told her that if she walked out the door she was not coming back in.
Crying she stood there and tried to deal with me, she said I could pick anywhere to meet and she would get my mother, father and any one else that needed a say in my life. Now that I was a cripple I would be told what I was and was not going to be allowed. That really did not fly; she said the last 12 years were hell enough out of me why did I need to make things worse. I told her there was nobody that had anything to say about what I was allowed, especially her or my father.
I said I never wanted to hear that there is always tomorrow, I needed to look at the glass half full or the words you will be told what you are ALLOWED. I told her the next time I heard any of them somebody was going to lose their teeth. She tried running for the door to see about getting some help to restrain me when I ripped her dress off, then I tore the rest of what she wore off her. She was begging please can’t we come to some arrangement to slow this down. I said why, you have been the community girlfriend for 25 years or more.
I took the first payment from her in sex that I felt was due, My fathers friend thought he could push me out of the way to talk to my wife and ended up hitting face first in the driveway. The last 2 years she thinks I have turned everyones life into hell. She asked me yesterday how does it feel to leave me friendless, your father with a broken neck and everyone so scared of you we had to move 1230 miles to this wild area in the west.
She said you became worse when you were supposed to be in a wheel chair the rest of your life. She said were your rights so important you had to take them the way you did, It did not take me a second to answer. Yes they were that important. It was not my responsibility to kiss everyones rear the way I was forced to. I was never asked if I would give up a vacation, a holiday or a weekend, I was just told by you, dad and some of his friends I was going to, I was told I was not taking the shift, or the job I wanted because someone else was more deserving of what I earned. I told her if she wants space there is 2500 square miles of nearly empty on the other side of the door, she could go though it and in a week or two I would follow the vultures to where she was at.
Hi Anonymous, yes, my wife is passive aggressive. She doesn’t hit out but uses sarcasm, putdowns and if I do some thing for her it not good enough. She wears what I call “masks,” one she wears when we have visitors, one for when we visit people or family, one for church and so on.
Last year after 35 years of marriage I hit out at her by punching her in the arm (which I now wish I hadn’t), and of course there were witnesses because it happened at home. Anyway, I was so upset with her and myself that I became suicidal and ended up in a psychiatric ward for 2 weeks and later did 6 months of external counseling.
What I don’t understand is that she is a psychologist, and you would think that she would know better. Her mother was the same; she was always sarcastic towards her husband so my wife had a bad example there. Beats me, pardon the pun. Early this year I told her that if I had a million dollars I’d leave her and since then she’s been completely different, for the better!!!!!!!
Anonymous from the U.S. You have described my fiancé exactly. There are many videos on youtube you may find helpful and illuminating. I believe the behaviors you’ve mentioned are covered under HPD and NPD. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Worst part of life is when you want to start a new life with a new person and in a new country this girl I met in the USA, while I was with my familly on a vacation couple of months. Later we got to know each other and we got married. After marriage this girl flipped 180. She abused me, raised her hands surprised; she takes kok and marijuana. She has shown me her other face.
I got hit a lot of times but never complained cuz God is there I had always believe in God. At the end she called the cops on me. They took me. She stole my stuff and ran away and disappeared. My life is destroyed. I left the USA but for bad can’t go back to where I lived and where my family is. I feel abused to death.
Hi, I get abused by my wife. She hits me and gives mental abuse all the time. I get accused of cheating when I’m not. Every time I have to show my phone to her to prove it was a customer who texted me and it’s a guy and if it’s a woman then I get slapped in the face. I’m not allowed to go out to see my mates cause they might take me were there are women. If I go to see my parents then I get accused that I go there to call my kids and talk to my ex mrs. If I send presents to my kids she starts breaking things in the house. But I find it hard to leave her. Can anyone help?
Hello, I know this is a late reply, but I wanted to comment anyway. I am a teenage girl; I found this article while browsing the net. I just wanted to say that you should also consider your children. I have a few friends who’s parents are divorced and it can be very difficult when they get a new partner, especially if that partner doesn’t like them.
She is preventing you from interacting with your children and you are listening to her. Your children will probably see this as you saying that she is more important to you than they are.
Women can’t beat men up. This is all just for a show, so stop posting this false stuff.
There are lots of ways to be abused that are not physical abuse. Living day in and day out with someone who criticizes everything that you do…Day in and Day out, You’re an idiot…stupid…If you say “why do you call me stupid?”…You get….”I don’t know why you’re stupid”. Or “I am not going to lie about it.” If you say I Love You…you get, “No you don’t.”…or “that’s nice.”…or, “I don’t like you.”…if you say “yes you do.”…then it’s…”Whatever you want to tell yourself.”
You can’t do enough for them. You wait on them hand and foot…It does not change how they treat you. They lock their computer but you better not lock yours though. Better not call your kids…Or when your kids do come to visit, you will get in trouble for ignoring her for them.
I have never cheated on my wife, but I may as well have, because in her mind I have on numerous occasions. Then there is the good…She will treat you like a king on occasion…splurge on you, make you feel like you two are really close…Until the next argument when she tells you she hates you and wishes you were dead. And don’t ever cry in front of her because she will then taunt and ridicule you telling you you are acting like a baby. It is sad….especially when you really do love this person…or at least with the person they have been on occasion.
You are correct. To me mental abuse hurts worse than the physical abuse. Pain goes away after a while when you’re being hit, but mental abuse tears a way at your soul every day. I’m a woman, but I know that men can be abused also. I felt compelled to write you, because I go through this also every day, to the point that I feel I cannot go on another day. I cry almost every day, not because the physical abuse, but the words that he uses to hurt me.
Don’t be ashamed for the tears you’ve shed out of pain from the person that you love. Those tears show you have a heart and you care. I would have done anything to see emotion from my husband, just to know there was even a little part of love left for me in him. He says he does love me, but what he loves is that he has control over me and he knows that I’m a faithful person, and no matter what he has done to me, I still stay. I stay mostly out of fear, and also the hopes the man I fell in love with will come back to me.
When we first met, I had my own home, car, and a good job. Slowly I lost everything, and he has all control, to the point I get an argument from him if I even ask for 5 dollars. I’ve been reading a lot of people’s stories from men and women, and when it comes to abuse it doesn’t discriminate when it comes to gender.
It has changed who I am. I think about how I used to be. I loved the outdoors, water skiing, snow skiing, horses, and a lot more. I coached cheer leading and was involved in community activities. I was so out going, and now I hide from the world. I want so bad to get rid of the pain I feel every day, and I’m scared that person is gone forever. I recently started going back to school through an online college. It has been a blessing to me, because I’ve poured my sadness into school. I am 43, but it has given me hope again for something better. I’ve kept a 4.0 GPA, and it has made me feel better about myself, and is something he hasn’t been able to take from me.
I hope things will get better for you. I can feel your pain in your writing, and will pray for you. I wish I could help and give you answers on what to do, but I cannot because I haven’t been able to change my own situation. Love to me is loving a person even through their faults. I definitely don’t have that. I hope that I can find the strength to realize that it’s better to start from scratch than to be abused and hurt every day. And whatever you decide that is right for you, I hope you find some peace in your heart and life. God Bless You!
In response to your post, you’re the only woman I know who expressed herself so eloquently in understanding how not only a man but also how a woman feels and understands the pain. It brought me to tears and you are right. I still Love my wife even though we argue and carry on. I’m Catholic and have old fashioned ways but we both were divorced and met about 19 years ago. Marriage is work in progress everyday. God Bless you and pray that you will find peace and happiness.
You can’t be serious.
Says the abuser.
It is very serious. If I routinely am punched in the face by my wife that is something. Even if she isn’t able to land a punch hard enough to hurt me, she is still punching as hard as she can. The rage behind punching someone as hard as you can is the big issue here. That rage can lead to her breaking things like glass or stabbing or even poisoning you.
Sometimes a simple argument can turn into the woman calling 9-11 just to watch as police officers do her dirty work as henchmen. This can ruin your entire life let alone leave you in a state of total trauma.
I know this was posted a while ago but it was so comforting to know another man has seen the violent attacks as and attack on our self-worth and dignity. I have had to cover my neck and arms on multiple occasion but that isn’t what bothers me. Anyway, she called the police last week for the first time as I couldn’t take it anymore and stuck a knife in our car and the tire flattened. The police had already been aware of my marks but took me to a psyche ward.
As an alcoholic for 7 years, but now a recovering alcoholic for several months now, I can personally state that it’s possible for women to beat up men. I abused my husband verbally and mentally EVERY time I drank but it was also common place for me to hit, kick, scratch, and shove him. It took him 7 years of this abuse and my older sons (all outweigh me and are taller) for him to lose it and hit me back. The police were called by a neighbor and the police arrested my husband for fighting back when I attacked him with a hard plastic bottle of condiment beating him on the head and face.
Try to tell anyone that I started it or he protected himself from an out of control drunk and all I hear is that I’m a victim and it’s natural for me to claim fault or enable him!!! Sadly, his arrest sobered me up, but it will take me a lot of time to forgive myself, if ever.
We were together 24 years without him ever hurting me or anyone, clean record of any crime in his life. Now we’re kept apart by court order until they settle the matter in court and maybe even after that. So unless you know what you’re talking about, probably better to stay silent than to speak of things you have no experience with. (Grfefef)
Accountability. Thank you for sharing your story, I am involved with a batterer’s Intervention program and it is refreshing to see offender’s of spousal/partner abuse take full responsibility of their actions. There is a growth in the percentage of reports of Men who are battered. Your story of alcohol driven assaults are unfortunately very common in Domestic Violence cases as well as the legal outlook of the circumstances of the men being charged as the aggressor. Education and awareness is the key to change. Violence against another person is wrong PERIOD.
I wish that was true but I swear on my life it’s far from not. I’ve been with my wife 3 years now and we recently got married. Since the marriage it’s gotten worst. 2 weeks before thanksgiving I had to get stitches over my left eye and also had a busted mouth. Before this I had a black eye. Her family knew about it and laughed. I guess they figured because I’m much older and I work out I should be able to handle it.
I’ve been verbally, emotionally, physically and even financially abused by her and the saddest thing is that I can’t let her go. If I try to break up with her she throws things, destroys stuff in the house, and if I walk away she attacks me even worse. Her family now thinks I’m the abusive one because I actually hit her back the last time when I got the stitches, so now everyone thinks I’m the abuser. Her brother witnessed her in action a few months back but his loyalty is to his sister so it doesn’t matter.
Her best friend and 2 of my closest friends witnessed her attacking me after a night out and they couldn’t believe it; they we’re shocked. I love her and as foolish as it may sound I will always stick by my wife because when times are good we have the best times together. She comes from a broken home and had had a horrible upbringing. I know this is no excuse but she does love me, she just had this uncontrollable anger. So as for your comment I swear to you is very much true!
I’ve been married for 7 years. We moved near her family over 2 years ago. Since then she has gotten on Xanex, meth, alcohol, and smokes pot. She has berated me, called me a loser, and worse. She cheated on me with over 10 different men in these two years, three of which were in my own home while I was at work. I walked in on her passed out with her sister’s boyfriend one night. I never got violent; I yelled at him to get out. When my wife found out that I told her sister she started beating on me, blacking my eye, and swelling half my face before I finally got her out of the house.
Recently we were taking her sister’s home and she was raging at her, then at me. We were driving about 55 mph when she hit me in the mouth and I reacted swinging my arm out and hit her in the nose and broke it. It was totally an accident and not intentional, but now she’s using it against me berating me saying she wants a divorce.
I have no where to go and hardly any money. I’m trying to save up enough for a small RV just to get away. The worst part is we have two kids involved. She told everyone here and now they all hate me. So I know what you’re going through. Be strong and God will see you through. I finally had to realize that all the anger being built up is not good for me, my wife, and especially my children. If she isn’t willing to change and admit her part in it then you’re just beating your head against a wall.
I have recently extricated myself from a very toxic situation which lasted three years. Despite both of us having flaws, my second wife appeared to be an ideal partner for me. She was generous, kind, understanding and supportive. We were in mutually agreed upon counselling to deal with past family issues, particularly abuse by her ex-husband upon her and her children.
Sadly, however, she began to verbally abuse me, lost all interest in my life and goals, broke important promises she had made prior to the wedding and maintained a “so what?” attitude when I complained about any of this. The abuse began as psychological and verbal, including unprovoked swearing, put-downs in front of her children and our friends, accusations of infidelity and so on. Between these outbursts were times of calm and even happiness, but I came to dread her next outburst. It seemed inevitable, regardless of any strategies employed to calm her when she started to act aggressively.
Her preferred times of abuse were just after I had fallen asleep, when I woke up or at the dinner table in front of the children. The saddest thing was watching the kids, who seemed to regard her behaviour as normal, even somehow comforting. I left several times, only to be enticed back by more promises; acknowledgment of the abuse and a commitment to “try harder”, remorse, even begging. Month by month, the abuse became worse, rising to slapping and hitting. Finally, she spat in my face and told me to go and die with my father. I left. Even after this final insult she continued to contact me, trying to get me to come back to her. She regards herself as a victim, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Many professionals maintain a belief that any woman’s violence is the “fault of men”. So, of course, she can’t get help to address her problems, since even professionals won’t acknowledge the real problem. This in turn means I can never return to a woman I love, despite everything she put me through. Until family violence is acknowledged as a HUMAN problem, not a GENDER problem, there will be little resolution in situations such as this.
Why do women always cast themselves as the victim? Every single time, without failure, they are the victim. Can anyone tell me once where a woman has admitted fault and acknowledged that she was NOT a victim in any way? I’ve never seen it before, though I’m young (25). Maybe I haven’t hung around the right women. But all the women I’ve been friends with or had deeper relationships with, have always loved playing the victim card.
Anyway, I specifically replied to you, out of all the stories posted on here, because it was the most recent and because it struck a chord somewhere near my heart. I’m hoping for the best for you. Sounds like your woman is toxic and is capable of hurting you very deeply if given the chance. Tread very carefully in the next few months. Please take care of yourself. I’m rooting for you: I hope everything works out, okay? Take good care.
While my wife can’t beat me, I’m restricted in my response to her physical abuse. If I turn to punch her, now I’m a wife abuser!!
Maybe a woman can’t beat a man up but there are other ways women can get a man to be abused. My wife however forgot in 2001 that I had earned my 3rd Dan black belt in the army. I was trained in close quarter combat skills. One morning at 4:00 am on my own porch in 2001 she locked me out of the house with a slide bolt on the door and four of her and my father’s friends followed me up on to my porch, as they put it, to show me where my place was in the scheme of area society. I was to take my name off a job bid so a much younger seniority could have the job.
My wife had promised me a normalization of our sex life, if I would just take my name of the bid and stay where I was. These four men offered to carry me back in if I was not willing to go. I was trapped with my back to a bolted front door and four men shoulder to souled around me. I was tired of taking the back seat to these pampered society types and I said, get of my porch or die where you stand.
The son of my father’s best friend had a friend wrap his arm around my throat to hold me in place. I considered that the last straw in keeping peace with my father, his friends, or my wife and her friends. I destroyed all four in the next minute sending all four to critical care. I then turned my attention to my wife, I kicked the front door in the frame and door landing on her.
I was so angry I stomped in on it and told her the next time she tried to get me hurt I would arrange for her to have a date with an undertaker in a six foot deep hole in the ground. My father considered this abuse of many because I used combat technics. I felt with four against one anything was fair and I had a traitor behind me.
From what perspective can you consider that “a woman can’t hit a man” I have been hit by my wife and yes, I probably could have stopped her (particularly given she was not a big lady). However this physical abuse happened in the context of emotional abuse as well and so, if I had defended myself in any way, then I might well have ended up being accused of domestic violence myself. My wife already controlled me with threats like this and used to self-harm to add credibility to her threats.
Also consider that a woman can easily throw dangerous projectiles at a man. Personally I have had plates, glasses and cans of food thrown at me.
The fact that these women can and have used these threats to control their men is absolutely despicable. And with policies like VAWA, men cannot prove themselves innocent very easily. And what’s more, the community itself won’t let him get away with it. How much more proof is there that women are really more in control of everything than men?? To influence authority figures to treat another human being as less than human takes power.
I cheated on my wife in revenge for her hitting me. How do we fix our marriage?
It’s not the best advice in the world, but start off by not burning bridges you might want to cross.
For the last 7 years I have been emotionally, verbally and more recently physically abused by my wife. Last year I called the police seeking advice on where to turn for help and as I as on the phone she started punching me non-stop. I didn’t dare respond for fear I would be arrested. The police were sent around and they placed a domestic violence protection order on her telling her to be of good character or she would be arrested next time. She has abused me again and even worse since then and it’s every time her period comes.
I know she has Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and birth control pills helped, but she refuses to believe she has a problem and stopped taking them; since then the attacks have intensified. I’ve been a missionary and had a successful film & television career. I’ve lost my business because of all her demands for finances and sending money back to her family.
I finally gave myself a heads up when to expect her period and sure enough right on cue she starts acting out again. I ended up being punched and kicked and almost sent through glass french doors, she also kicked the coffee table and sent a glass flying to the floor where it smashed to smithereens all around my feet. Thankfully I wasn’t injured, but it took me half an hour to get over to the sofa safely. I’ve just been diagnosed with diabetes and I have to look after my feet or else it could end up in amputation.
The worst part is she doesn’t think she has a problem and is a professional victim.
I’ve been going through a lot of problems with who is now my ex and I am still going through them. She has managed to get the police on her side in this problem and I have been arrested. It started off with a judge giving her a restraining order against me but allowing her to drink at a bar 200 feet from my house and hanging out at cleaning her clothes when they offer that at her apartment. The back door opens up to the front of my house and the drive by around my house with eyes witness her pulling in my driveway to most recently her sending me a naked picture of herself. The police won’t do anything about it. Instead they threaten me with another arrest. I need help; I’m not sure where to turn from here.
I am a disabled man, and I am verbally, emotionally, financially abused.
Hello my name is James,in 2012 I met a woman online and she seamed to be very kind sweet and loving. Since day one she kept putting pressure for me to marry her,then in November she sent me in the mail a marriage license application. I had never been married before and I wanted to be married but I wanted to get to know someone first. Well she didn’t want to wait, and when I told my family I might be getting married and that thought it might be good, they told me not to trust her because we had never met in person.
I should have walked away from her, but I fell in love. Then a childhood friend of me and my family told me they where going to take me up to Manchester Iowa where she lived so I could marry her. I was told by everyone not to do it but I did. I quit my job to go up with them and we arrived on the 17th of December 2012 Sally Ann and I were married by judge in the court house. For the first couple of weeks everything was fine then it seamed like all at once she started arguing with me. I wasn’t looking for work, I didn’t love her, I wasn’t taking care of her and paying all the bills. It was her apartment provided by the city as she was on disability. She is a very unhealthy woman and takes a whole drawer full of pills from her doctor.
It’s been getting worse ever since I recently lost my job and all the time when I was working she kept trying to get me to quit my job because the managers where very abusive to me there too and getting it at home too I couldn’t do my job without worry of being fired or kicked out of my home by my wife or fired from my job.
Ever since I was terminated my wife has been very hateful and abusive to me. I feel like walking on egg shells no matter what I do. I don’t even want to be here but I have nowhere to turn. What can I do? I need help! What can I d? Please tell me, James
I need help. I have no where to go. I have no family to help. My wife left me (abandoned) in 2010 for another man. In 2012 I lost my job, my home and my car. I have no other family so my wife allowed me to stay on her couch, where I’ve been since. She makes me pay $300 a week to stay at her house. She uses comments saying I’m doing it for my daughter but I need personal supplies and meds for my health and she goes bipolar on me. She uses guilt trips on me.
I’ve got bills I need to pay and IRS issues to tend to but she finds every reason why she needs all my money. I have a car that needs fixed but she won’t allow me to save money to fix it. All I do is work 60 hours a week and come home. I don’t go anywhere unless she takes me or I walk. She doesn’t care about me. All she cares about is the money. I can’t live this way but I have no way to get out because of no money. Help me get help.
My wife did the same to me hitting and scratching me. I’ve been trying for 3 dayw to get her charged. Ring the police commissioner -got a little justice. I’ve been just puting up with it other times but this time I was holding my son in my arms, plus I had my mother watching everything. I kicked her out of the house now I’ve been charged for grabbing hold of her, and pushing her outside the house hard. She fell over and got a black eye. It’s just not fair, and the way the police treated me as bad.
I live in an abusive marriage. She is a drunk and any little thing sets her off. The latest she struck me so many times in the head and my head swelled up. I finally called the police and she was arrested for assult. Her family is blaming me because I called the cops and now her kids (my step kids) will not have their mom at home. She is in jail so they are condoning her actions. They are also griping about the money they’re having to put out for her to get help. Yet I’m here trying to figure out how to pay bills. I’m condemned for doing the right thing.
I am married. My wife pushes me to the limit. Over the years she’s tried to fight me many times poking me in the face, verbal abuse at times. One day I had enough. She hounded me all that day for no reason trying to fight me so I snapped. We hit the roof. I really lost it and slapped her a few times telling her I’m tired of it. Now she says I’m an abusive husband and I’m not. Now she’s still doing the same thing again trying to provoke me to hit her like I did that first and only time. Please help me. Am I an abusive husband? I don’t know what to do.
She says she love me. She say she is sorry that she loses control. When she visits her family or her family visits us, when they leave or she comes back home, she seems to pay me no attention like I’m not around. After a few days she’s back to herself. Is it a fact that I go thru these things because her family is a very violent group of people? …Please help.
I’ve been married to my wife for 25 years but she didn’t start out abusive although she could never control her spending. When we met I paid all her credit cards, paid for our wedding, and paid money she owed her father. I love her very much.
The abuse started after we had our 3 children and I lost employment for a short period of time. She makes decisions that affect me without asking me; spending money on credit cards including large purchases buying 2 dogs and not helping with the care of the dogs (daily feeding washing etc.) It falls on me. She treats me poorly and insults me in front of my children and they have started doing it.
Finally after 10 years of this I separated the credit cards and proportionally separated the bills. She punishes me by not doing any of the house chores. For a short period of time after my heart attack she picked up some of the chores, but she has reverted back to her old ways. I am up cleaning & doing laundry at 5 am before work for our family. I make my wife coffee in bed every morning and hope that things will get better.
I do stand up for myself but she always twists my words and I don’t want to be to aggressive and abusive like her and give the children a bad view so I just repeat what she says in a question like manner so she can hear what she sounds like.
40% of the time she is in a good mood but the other 60% I feel trapped and pray that it will get better.
If she is able to make you snap and hit her back, she wins. She will call the police and blame the whole thing on you. They’ll see the slap mark on her face or arm. It won’t matter if you are bruised and bloodied. You will be the one who is taken to jail. In the end, everyone will believe her side of the story (that you are a violent abusive husband who beats her every day) because you’re in jail, after all. Your life ruined. Leave her while you still can.