When we think of domestic violence, we don’t often hear about husbands being abused. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet, there are many husbands who are the victims of spousal abuse. Yes, husband abuse is real; it does happen.
So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:
“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Men are considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!
“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”
Yes, Husband Abuse DOES Happen
We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that many, many husbands are the victims of abuse, more than people realize. Part of this is because it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help. This is especially true in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of emails from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t abuse back. But they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.
We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles, written on this subject to help. But there seems to be very, very little help available for abused husbands.
Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers “appear” to be less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is wrong no matter who is victimizing the other, male or female.
This article is written to give abused husbands a voice that is MUCH needed and overdue.
Husband Abuse: Different Types of Attacks
Maxine Marz wrote a Metronews.ca article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” where she had the following to say on this issue:
“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon. But still, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless very hurtful. In addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their spouse uses their children to assert her control over the relationship.
“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.
“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security. We need to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”
Husband Abuse: Out in the Open
To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope it will help husbands to better protect themselves.
The following is a Youtube video that shows a little taste of what some men go through as far as abuse. This is not a marriage situation. It is a boyfriend/girlfriend one where she is assaulting him in different ways, with part of it being caught on camera. It’s part 1 of a Tyra Banks television show that featured abusive women. The quality of this video isn’t the best. But the content is enlightening. Please watch and you will see a small part of what some men go through:
Different Standards for Husband Abuse
What struck me about the featured story is that if that man would have been the abuser, I believe with all my heart that the audience would have been outraged. But the woman was absolutely clueless as to the gravity of it all. Plus, the audience didn’t seem as moved, like they would have been if a woman was getting berated by the man. If he was acting as she did to him, the outrage would have been ramped up. But because it’s a woman hitting and berating a man, it’s more palatable. It shouldn’t be, because abuse is wrong no matter who commits it. And yet, that’s the way society views wife abuse as opposed to husband abuse. This is so, so wrong.
Stories of Battered Men
On a further note, the articles linked below, consist of stories of battered men. (Some of them are followers of Christ and others who are not.) In these blogs, they share their life experiences of being battered by women. Please read what they have written. Abused men and husbands need to be heard too:
• BATTERED MEN’S PERSONAL STORIES
Plus:
• SURVIVOR’S STORIES: Case Studies, Experiences & Stories of Male Victims
The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites. Please be aware of that. However, we believe they give good insights. They also provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good —that which lines up with Biblical standards. And then throw away that, which doesn’t apply to your situation. As you pray, the Lord will show you what NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.
Please click onto the link provided below to read:
• MALE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
— Additionally —
Many people ask why battered men don’t leave the abuse. They also question why do they remain silent? Murray A. Straus, a family violence researcher, gives this insight:
“There is a fear of having a 911 call turned around. If a man is being battered, is trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he’s been assaulted or that he needs the help of the police.
“Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury. This is because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a ‘real man’ would be able to keep her under control.”
And there are even more reasons. There is also help for men that are being abused. Read the following to learn more:
• WHY MEN DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
And:
Read, Even if the Article Needs to Be Adapted
In addition, please read other articles that are provided on this web site in the Abuse in Marriage topic. They mostly address wives who are victimized by husbands. (Sadly, it’s difficult to find info that addresses husbands who are victimized.) Even so, we encourage you to ask God to show you how to apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God can show you what advice you can use, and what you shouldn’t, or won’t be able to use.
We hope you find the help you need. May He help you as you reach out to Him —that is our prayer for you.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
My wife believes whole heartedly that she’s right on so many things. When I want to try and compromise with her she goes into this stage that if I don’t agree with her then I’m stupid or other things. I stand my ground and try to find different angles to explain to her, but it doesn’t work because she believes she has to be right, even to the point where she slaps me. If I walk away she follows; if I leave the house she locks me out and says that’s what I chose. I finally snapped and pushed her hard, like she was a grown man, and it hurt her. I lashed out and told her that I’m sorry Idid that and that I wish it wasn’t me but I do believe she needs to gain respect from somewhere. I don’t want to hurt her. Should I just leave her and my kids? She won’t go to counseling because she said she doesn’t know what goes on, basically saying I start the fights.
Yes, if it comes to physical someone has to go and usually it’s the male. It’s better to go as the man gets the paperwork and starts the divorce process. Know about everything your house finances, your finances, and what she has because she knows everything and will try to get everything. Get a lawyer if you can afford it. You and her are not friends and your thoughts should be about you and supporting the kids. She has plans and they don’t include you, or you seeing your kids. Her thoughts is make you pay ,get the kids and as much money and your belongings she can get.
My wife of 20yrs once shocked me by requesting for permission so that she can be impregnated by our church pastor. The pastor had been in a 27yrs childless marriage. Of course I refused to grant her the request but little did I know that they had done many things behind my back. She developed rebellion towards me and fortunately God granted us an opportunity to relocate to USA.
While in US she continued to communicate with him and I happened to read some disturbing messages where she vividly describes the things they were doing in lodgings. She says how he is the man of her life and will fight till they get married. When she realized I have known all about her dirty world she turned against me by calling me all unspeakable names.
Right now our house is uninhabitable she acts like a lion, children run away from her. Every day she sends me insulting messages just to torment me all of which I always reply with a soft word of “Thank you”. She sometimes takes away my phone for long hours making me unreachable. I feel I don’t deserve this because am also a human being.
When your wife tells you that it’s ok to pull a knife and threaten to kill you if you don’t leave the house, is that a point to be extremely afraid? I don’t know how her mind says that this is ok. I simply cannot understand how her mind works. I have not been a good husband and I concede that, but surely I don’t deserve to be stabbed, again…
I am a woman. I love my husbend with all my heart. I want to stop hitting him. Please help me. I started hitting him once, when he cheated on me. The 1st time he beat me up. I had 2 blue eyes, my body was sore, my head was heavy but since then he slapped me the other day but now he doesn’t hit me at all, and he’s always accusing me of sleeping around, which I’m not. I’m faithful to him. He once gave me an STI so that hurt me so bad because he’s blaming me while I’m faithful and honest. When he’s drunk he swears at me; that’s why I hit him because he’s abusing me emotionally and I don’t know how to handle it.
I feel the same way. I don’t know if it’s a normal reaction to hit someone that hurts you emotionally, I feel like I am going crazy.
It is normal, but it isn’t healthy to maintain the status in the relationship. If married seek counseling. If not perhaps it’s time to look for someone that appreciates you for the lady/woman that you are.
It only takes one to have a fight. When she decides to attack you… often whens shes drunk…then you have to back off and go sleep in the car or in the rain. The authorities will not help you as she will lie and you’re disbelieved.
One way to help not going to prison is to …when she attacks you… lie down on the floor and let her kick you until she becomes tired. But of course this destroys your dignity and the respect from your children.
The U.N. mandates for human rights protect children first… followed closely for women. Men have no protection under UN human rights. So we suffer …horrendously this physical….emotional…and mental abuse. To not talk about it… “is hiding the problem under the carpet.”
Women are becomming ever more violent these days because they have ultimate, 100% protection. And their violence and agression is hidden away; they lie and acuse their passive, motivated husbands.
Solution… Leave and go live in another country as the authorities will victimise you too. And find the “woman of your dreams” …in your dreams.
I just wanted to mention that I have seen studies that go back to 1972 stating that women normally start fights and are just as likely to hit back as men. So to say that they are becoming more violent; I’m not sure if that is accurate.
How to handle her again is a different issue all together, which I’m not qualified to answer. I can say that after awhile of being abused I did hit back. It was investigated and I had to keep a copy from the DA’s office on me at all times stating that the case was dropped in case I was pulled over and asked about the incident.
I’ve even heard some women claim that it’s due to the male centered society, that this issue doesn’t get any attention because that way women can remain perceived as weak. Be blessed.
I have been married for 26 years, my husband always thought that it is his right to have drinks after work on a daily basis, this has damaged our marriage since I have been the primary caregiver for our 4 children and he is not really involved with our family unless it includes drinking.
Our marriage has suffered greatly in the last 5 years since he hooked up with an alcoholic neighbor. I was even pulled into this drinking lifestyle and I joined in so I could fit in. But this made things worse. My husband always critizes me, calls me names, blames me for all our problems and will always look for people to drink with even if I dont approve because I cant tell him what to do.
I am very frustrated, angry, hurt, lonely and unhappy. Lately our fights have gotten physical and I attack him by hitting him and lashing out at him. I wanted to know if my behaviour is normal, he is always calling me obscene names.
Hi Rosie, You ask if hitting your husband is wrong if you’re “frustrated, angry, hurt, lonely, and unhappy.” I think you know the answer to that without anyone telling you. If your children started attacking each other by “hitting and lashing out” what would you do and say? Would it be okay since they are frustrated? No. It’s inappropriate no matter what age or gender. Your husband shouldn’t hit (or verbally abuse) you, and you shouldn’t hit (or verbally abuse) your husband –no matter what. There are different ways this toxic situation should be handled –hitting and lashing out is not one of them.
Rosie, it sounds like there is a lot of toxic behavior going on (by both of you) that is not okay –not if you want a healthy family life. And for your children to be watching this, HAS to be negatively affecting them. You both are certainly not being good role models for them. I HIGHLY recommend that you go to a (marriage friendly) counselor to figure out what you CAN do instead of taking out your frustration the way you are so you can try to get things headed in a better direction. This type of escalating behavior is a killer for marriages. If you don’t know of a counselor near you that would be good for marriages (because not all counselors are), I recommend you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family – Canada, which you can find info at http://www.focusonthefamily.ca. They have a great referral program for counselors all over your country –no doubt.
I hope you will get good counseling (and I’m not talking about talking to “friends” who will tell you what you may want to hear, but who won’t necessarily give you the best counsel). From the little you describe, I can imagine why you are so frustrated and feel a whole host of negative emotions, concerning what is going on. And for that, I feel for you. But even so, you can’t act out your anger in the ways you have been, because as the saying goes, “two wrongs don’t make it right.” No matter what your husband does, it doesn’t justify poor behavior on your part (just as your poor behavior wouldn’t justify him acting out in wrong ways either). I urge you to get the help you need and pray that you find the strength of character to do what is advised to get to a better place in your marriage. I hope it will.
My name is Tom. I’m a retired man age 64. I’ve been married 19 years. My wife has verbally abused me the entire marriage but now in last 5 years it has escalated to physical, excessive abuse. Her Mom lived with us and was a referee but passed 5 years ago from cancer. I’m also a cancer survivor and survived severe depression 3 years ago. I’m blessed and am financially secure. I’m white but both older children were married to mixed spouses. My wife hates my 2 kids from prior marriage. They are not allowed in my home and I sneak calls and cards to and from them. I and they have been called the N word a million times. I’m white and blue eyed and fair skin like my kids.
When her Mom died I was told not to tell my loser family. After 2 years when asked about her, I told my sister of her death. I asked my sister not to send a card to my home. She sent a condolence card. I was beaten for telling her. I’m a big man and still lift weights so at first the hits seemed to bounce off me. After being hit and punched in the chest and slammed in the chair of my office my chest and arms began to hurt. My chest and arms were covered in in black and blue marks for 2 weeks. I never hit her and as I left home to get away from her, she slammed my face into the wall temporarily stunning me. I was shocked since I thought she was calmed down.
It hit my head but luckily my nose wasn’t broken. She has beaten me 3 times since. Today she slapped me in my face, slammed my fingers in laptop, she pushed me, kicked me in my legs and ribs. I didn’t touch her. She was coming into my office for an hour yelling at me before she attacked. I called her brother to warn him again that I’ll call the police if she continues to beat me. I’m heading to our second home up North but I have a pup and teenage daughter that I don’t want to leave. I don’t know what to do. She claims I’m on the computer too much on FB, chat sites and it upsets her. I do trade stocks as my hobby and source of money in retirement so I’m on the laptop a lot but for work, bills, and yes chat site (not porn). I am guilty of that. No love is shown in my home.
Tom, Please talk to a few abuse centers. We have some listed in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic and I’m sure there are some located near you. Also, talking to the ministry of Focus on the Family (they have counselors on staff) might help too, to give you added insights. But you NEED to stop this abuse. I’m honestly concerned for you. No matter how much you’re on the computer, or what, you should NEVER be subjected to this type of behavior. If you were a woman, I’d say the same thing. Please know that this type of behavior usually escalates. Your wife has given herself permission to treat you as an object, rather than a person who should never be treated this way. And your children should never be treated this way either. Verbal abuse hurts too.
I’m also concerned for you if you call the police on her. I’ve seen this go horribly wrong in the way that a woman can turn the circumstances around and then the HUSBAND gets arrested because in the heat of the moment, the wife (who has been beating the crap out of the husband) all of a sudden says the husband hit her first (a lie) and she was defending herself. That’s why I want you to talk to some abuse centers when things are calm to gain insights about what to do when things get heated. Tell them what’s going on and your circumstances. Find out what you should do as a man –especially one who doesn’t want to leave his daughter and pup.
Sadly, many people, including some police officers and even some “abuse” counselors (not good ones, mind you) will downplay husband abuse, sometimes even chiding them. Read some of the comments posted under and within this article, and the web site linked articles to see what I’m talking about. But please be brave in this and get the help needed. Men NEED to speak out. YOU need to speak out. Men are being quiet about this type of horrible behavior. But that should NOT be so. Abuse is abuse… whether the woman is the victim or the man. It is horribly wrong and dangerous. Today she is abusing with her hands (which is bad enough) but eventually it could be a knife or gun or another object that could cause irreparable damage. Trust me… this DOES happen. Find ways to protect yourself and let this be known to more than just her brother. If push comes to shove, he could turn on you when authorities get involved… you never know. People can surprise you in unfair ways. Please get help… please, please, please. Don’t keep subjecting yourself to the abuse.
Thank you for your concern. I am planning to seek advice like you suggested from local abuse centers. I plan to leave my home for a week or two until she calms down. She took off my wedding ring about a month ago and we’ve slept in separate beds for 5 years. She is capable of hurting me seriously when she blows.
There are no guns in our home but we have steak knives in kitchen. She is slowly driving me crazy standing at my office doors. I’ve grown to loath her words of hate. I’ve never cheated on her, never kissed another woman in 21 years but I now dream of a woman with a kind heart to hold me at night. I don’t deserve to be treated like a cheat. I worked 44 years and have given her homes and cars and vacations. I’ve gotten the same message in return a lying, crazy, loser husband and father who only cares about himself. My family is treated like they’re evil and they’ve done nothing but be kind to her.
I pray every day to God but think he feels I need to be punished for some reason. I love my 16 year old daughter and worry my wife will starts turning against her. She has said if my daughter ever dated a non white she would kill him. She is sick but says she is honest -she admits her only problem is she has a temper. I have to laugh -yes only an anger issue that is willing to beat and more if required.
Hi friends, first let me say that I’ve been a witness close up to male spousal abuse… my son. He has been with a girl for over a year. When they were dating she was great. It wasn’t until they moved in together that the verbal, emotional and physical abuse started. Without going into the nasty details, she was caught cheating a few days ago and when my son confronted her about the next morning she went balistic… destroyed the entire apartment including busting out one of the windows. The neighbors called the police.
Long story short, she told them she was being abused. She has bruises all over her back because she fell backwards into the tub when she came home barely able to stand. My son was at work when she went out, but was home when she came home. So now with bruises to show HE is being charged with assault.
I’ve been crying non stop for 5 days now. I’m scared for my son and I’m ashamed to say I never knew this was going on until he was literally sobbing the story out in my arms. He has broken up with her but now has to worry about these charges and the injustice of it all. Thanks for “listening.” God bless.
Anne, I’m so sorry about your son. Tough and painful lesson to learn on many levels. Sad to say, I’ve heard this same story over, and over, and over again. The husband is the one who gets abused and when the police come, she claims HE abused HER and he gets charges. That’s why I always caution husbands to be careful about calling the police. It’s amazing how many times women get away with turning the table around on them. It’s SO unfair and infuriating. My heart goes out to you.
My wife beat me many times without any apparent reason. We were together for two years and a half. One day, all of a sudden, she hit my head with a glass very strongly when we were arguing about some random stuff. I had several stitches. There was blood everywhere, on me, on the floor. That was not the first time she hit me, but that was the most impressive one.
After that I gave her a last chance. But she hit me again a few monthes later. I have tiny scars everywhere on my arms because she scraught me many times. I finally left her. I didn’t mention verbal abuse from her. We are close to divorce.
The worst thing is that except my family and people at the hospital nobody around us can imagine that she is hitting me without any apparent reason. As a man I must have done something bad to her, so I deserved to be hit. That’s pretty hard to deal with what people tend to think, but I try to not give a darn about that. I know what can happen. Even if she is weaker than me, she can grab a knife, or hit me while I can not defend myself. She already hit me when I was driving. We almost had an accident. I asked her to do something to deal with her violence but she didn’t. That makes me pretty sad…
I should never had called the police to come. I requested they get her Psychiatric help. I refused to press charges. They took photos of my ripped shirt and scratches on my neck. They handcuffed her and arrested her. She is awaiting trial without bond. I can’t pay the last week of the month motel rent. All our belongings are in our motel room. The judge put a restraining order against her. I should have remained silent.
My wife is verbally and physically abusive. When we spoke about it last her biggest concern was that she did not like the person she is becoming. There was nothing about the effect it has had on me. I feel completely emasculated and told her, but she used that knowledge against me in a fight a few weeks later and told me to “be a man”. Even though she apologized its still clear that she does not see me as a man.
Since then I have stopped having any feelings for her, nothing – not even love or hate or anger. I try to ‘love unconditionally’ and have set boundaries that if she says one cuss word in a fight I am walking away which has helped ‘I think’. But she just doesn’t understand or care about how I feel. She wants me to talk to her about things but she is totally unsafe and tells me its how I say it and that I yell, but I have recorded our arguments to see if I was in fact yelling and I was not. She however was, as well as insulting me.
The last time she slapped and kicked me, she told me that at least now I have something to be angry about, which is adding insult to injury; not only is it invalidating the other things she has done. But its basically finding something good about her abuse. I told her I was still upset about being called a name once and she told me to tell her when I needed an apology, but I won’t do that. She should know that calling me names merits an apology. I am not going to give in to that control of having to ask for an apology.
I find myself looking for ways to keep from spending time with her. She never compliments me on things other than feminine type of stuff or church related. She doesn’t give me gifts and when she does she wants to know what I want but then when I tell her she goes out and gets me something I don’t want. Yet she complains if I don’t want sex with her or if I don’t do enough around the house, or give her enough affection. So I have made more of an effort but that has not made any difference.
She is not abusive to the children which is a good thing. However, her apologies are not heart felt, I’ve never even gotten a “tearful” apology or any understanding for how she is affecting me, and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve been warned I should leave but at this time I strongly feel that God does not want me to. I know it sounds crazy, and I don’t often hear God that clearly but on this I have. In spite of all this and being truly unhappy in my marriage I have many other things in my life that I am happy with. I thank God everyday for those things. I can actually say that even though I find myself in a situation with an abusive person, and that the abuse is 100% not my fault, I am happy, and in a good place spiritually. I am open to restoration and until then I will protect myself and guard my heart from her. I will not compromise on my boundaries until she has proven her remorse and changed. The Lord has brought a counselor into my life and I am grateful for this. He is becoming a good friend since we are in ministry together, and I will learn as much as I can from him through this time. I feel so blessed that God has put our paths together, Its proof that He knows what we need before we even know what to ask.
I wish I could say things like this, but I don’t have the words when I go to say it.
Well, I really reckon this is me. I married an abusive woman. I guess that’s all I got to say. Nothing more; it never ends. She doesn’t respect me, and I believe you can’t respect someone unless you got love for them. Whether that be love for your fellow man, or woman. I hope the best to everyone else.
It’s not good. They will always have the uper hand then they have the kids as leverage.
My wife hits me and calls me very hurtful names. She belittles me and makes me feel like I am not a man. I don’t know what to do; I have a 3 year old son and just lost my job.
I’ve been abused by my wife verbally, emotionally, and years ago, physically. I defended myself by pushing her away on several occasions when she landed punches on my head. In counseling she would often lie and call me abusive. However, equally strangely once confronted my defensive “blocking her punches and pushing her away,” defense, she would admit she had started the abuse. But still would call my defensive actions abuse (equivocating).
Then in our 28th year of marriage her sister told me of the physical abuse of the whole family by my wife’s father while they were growing up, and how my wife would hide for hours when her dad got home. Then my wife finally admitted to the abuse in her home. Her sister-in-law (then married to my wife’s brother) said, “why haven’t I heard any of this in 30 years? She too has been physically and emotionally abused her entire marriage.
Point is if you marry someone who has been abused, they’re very likely to become an abuser! Secondly, they will transfer theirs. Animosity for their abusing father to the husband who is the furthest thing from an abuse. They will hate their loving husband due to transferring their feeling.
My wife went from being sweet and loving to me and hating her abusive dad, when we were dating. Once married, and I mean the first day, she hated me and spoke about how sweet her dad was. It was scary and tragic. It remains so for a few more months until the divorce is final. She never got help, firing counselors one after another as they saw through her lies, switching churches once the truth was known.
As an aside to Pastors who want to help often hear lies by abusive and manipulative wives in an attempt to isolate and further manipulate their husbands. Make abusers try and isolate their wife from friends and family. I have seen this happen several times. But female abusers use Pastors and counselors who are often more willing to engage in gossip and slander than the average man.
These Pastors are easily duped and drawn into being pawned by abuses wives. Two of my friends have been kicked out of churches (without a hearing) due to the manipulation by their abusive wives working with naive and cowardly church staff. I have destroyed all of my wife’s attempts and call both pastors and their counselors to account for their ungodliness.
Finally, men and women both: have the person you are dating describe what it was like growing up. If they have any animosity for either parent due to abuse, say “Next!”
After 28 years of marriage my “Christian in name only-” wife has only apologized to me less than 5 times in the marriage. My mother-in-law told me her husband had never apologized to anyone in the previous 40 years. No one counseled me. No one mentored me. Run away. If you spouse was adopted there will be attachment problems and insecurity. If the were sexually abused they will abuse. If physically abused they will abuse. They should be in a hospital. Not free to destroy people in our culture.
If a man or woman can’t describe a time at age 3 or 4 years old, with both parents having fun. And hundreds of early childhood memories that were joyful, you will need to figure out why?
Finally, to the Christian women and men, don’t expect God to make it right. He allows significant evil in marriage. We need to be wise and gain wise counsel. I have seen couples who lived together for five years and then got married where the wife or husband transferred feelings from their abusing parent to their significant other only after marriage. You’re not safe until you have the background info, have met the parents, and corroborate the upbringing. My wife’s extended family all hides the abuse. I am exposing the abuse and coverup publically with her family and extended family.
You are already very lucky to even get her to apologize 5 times; mine doesn’t at all but instead justifies her abuse! And how foolish of me I wonder, to still have to do good to my enemies as Jesus preached. My only escape is the day I die.
Well said, Karl