After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
Women want sex too. A lot. If she doesn’t want it, the husband probably has not found or respected the clitoris. Guys. Find the clitoris. If she never wants sex, it’s probably that it’s not good for her. This is not meant to be rude -just a fact that is really important for women.
For many women, what you wrote is true. But it’s not as “simple” as that for others. However, here’s a link to an article written by Gary Thomas, that gives an additional explanation, for those who are struggling with this issue: https://garythomas.com/2021/11/09/her-pleasure-first/. As you say, if the wife “never wants sex, it’s probably that it’s not good for her.” And that very well could be true. Gary’s article supports that theory. It won’t give you ALL the answers, but peeks into some additional ones.
Wow Kristen, throw it out there!! My wife taught me how to touch her the way she likes it when we were first married.
Mine didn’t.
This is definitely geared more towards making men happy at the emotional cost of a woman. So if I’m not feeling emotionally connected or in the mood, I should give my body to him to make him happy anyway??? Wow. No wonder the world is this way.
Mmm, not always true for every guy. If she is not in the mood, we wait later in the day or the next. Sometimes I am not in the mood and she is. I will take care of her, sometimes twice.
Real answer: IF you love him and put him first, forsaking all others. Sure, a raincheck for a night or two is reasonable. Beyond that is negligent. A pattern of same is abuse, especially given the defensive nature of your rhetoric. Now I make no claim to know your situation, but the nature of the article is focused on meeting the husband’s sexual needs, because sexual connection and release is among the primary needs of a man in marriage, and is the gateway for him to connect emotionally with you, just as emotional connection is the gateway for you to be ready to connect with him, sexually.
Trust me; 99/100 articles about this subject are geared towards the man seeking connection emotionally with his wife with the implication she may respond sexually, which is sort of manipulation, but if it gets to the point where a man is left with this dilemna, there are already problems.
My suggestion is to read and research more articles, podcasts, scripture and perspective on the matter.
My God, with sites like this it gives me hope for my son someday that there are actually women out there who love their men enough, honor their men enough, care about their men enough, to even be conscientious enough to seek out this information. I don’t think my wife ever will. I am convinced she hates me.
Your attitude is not one of mutual submission. This is revealed if you invert the logic and reverse the rhetoric: if you were seeking to have an intimate, deep, heart-to-heart dinner/conversation with your husband and his response was “not now dear, I’m not in the mood,” how would you feel and react?
If you gave him a honey-do list and he said “sorry, dear. I had a long day and my heart’s just not in getting these things done, plus I’m not in the mood,” what would your reaction be?
Also, if you find offense in the implication that a loving, caring wife might give it up even when she doesn’t feel perfect, then consider how biased it is, that men typically have higher sex drives, are given God’s sternest and harshest warnings and judgements in the Bible for sexual sins, and still has to deal with tension, perhaps temptation, maybe even satanic attack on an ongoing basis, just because his wife is ‘meh.’ How callous is THAT!? How aloof and coldhearted and uncaring is THAT!? Do you think God would soft pedal a man or go easy on him if he gave similar excuses to God for failing in the area of sexual sin?
“Gee, God I really tried but in the end I was just too tired of the struggle, so I gave in.” “I know I vowed to honor my marriage and I know I should obey you, but I just didn’t feel like it today. Maybe a raincheck…” No.
If I asked you if you would be all right with your husband taking a concubine like so many OT patriarchs you would probably jump out of your skin. Well, if your reaction would be one of possessiveness, then the ethical thing to do would be to live with your decisions and possess your possessions.
Besides, God gave woman to man to be a helper. That doesn’t mean he should lord over his woman, bc that’s not how Christ loves the Church.
If you actually took care of your wife’s sexual needs by focusing on her pleasure (orgasm, not “emotional needs”) she would start showing interest. My husband never has a problem with my lack of interest because he’s not selfish. He knows to take care of my needs, too. Men who think sex revolves around their own pleasure and the woman is only there to pleasure the man are the ones who complain about their wives’ lack of interest. Get a clue!
Sometimes yes you should, just as each of us should be willing to do something that our spouse needs even if we don’t “feel like it”. Ongoingly? No, there’s a problem there. Episodically, yes; for sex and other things, for husbands especially as the chief servant but for wives also.
Me and my wife have been married for 43 yrs. We’ve worked extremely hard, raised three kids, helped all three through college even though we never made a lot of money and had no help from our parents and didn’t ask. We built a small house. Our youngest is disabled but is able to live on her own but has cost us an enormous amount of more and stress.
Out the box, there are things I didn’t know about my wife until we quit working. I found out I had childhood polio and my mom and dad divorced when I was 12. One day at 35 I started having severe pain in my right groin down my right leg. I worked 7 more yrs to where I almost went crazy from the pain. I’ve been shot with a .22 caliber pistol; the bullet almost hit my heart, went through my lung, and is still behind the kidney. I’ve had convulsions, almost died, had paralyzing polio, and almost died. I’ve had 17 surgeries. I have a list of problems a mile long.
My wife had severe back surgery, 2 severe neck surgeries, both hands and foot and needs both knees done. I still tell her I love her and she looks good to me; she’s over weight like me. I try to keep a normal life and I want lie; I love sex. She’s the only one I’ve been with but here’s the problem. She doesn’t hardly look at me when I’m naked; she makes no advances; she does nothing. I can’t touch her anywhere without a fight.
I’ve always done things by myself. My mother didn’t want me or my dad neither or brother. I’m very honest, love to talk to people, worked very hard to take care of my family, but when I ask for some cuddling or have sex her attitude turns mean. She’s a good wife but when we do have sex it’s hurry; get in get out. It bothers me bad. It hurts me deeply because I can’t touch my wife. Sometimes I suffer a lot. I just want to be near her for comfort but can’t do it.
I don’t even want to go to bed at night. I feel like all I do is a burden her. I try to do what she wants me to do around the house even when I feel bad. She doesn’t even ask how I feel today or nothing. I tried talking to her about sex, touching, and these problems that are bothering me. All she does is get mad so sometimes I look at nude women, which in my book is wrong but I’ve got to do something. She wants hardly ever to let me look at her. I just gave up. She masturbates and so do I, every now and then. We have bearable sex with each other. I think I’m a good husband, not perfect but I try to help her as much as I can. Is there anything I can do or forget it? Please keep this private. I’d love to hear from someone on what to do. God bless.
What do you do in a situation where wife has ptsd from childhood abuse, endometriosis, and nerve damage from an accident, and all together sex is just so physically and psychologically painful that it makes her cry and leaves her feeling sore and depressed for days? She has been in therapy & treatment for months, but the problems persist. Husband is getting frustrated and impatient and needs sex.
Her doctor should give her something for the pain. It can be a narcotic, gabapentin or cymbalta, there are MANY options. Doctors are supposed to help you maintain your quality of life if they can’t cure you. Quality of life includes enjoying sex. If doctor refuses, GET A NEW DOCTOR.
It’s not always as simple as throwing a medication/pain reliever at it. I have internal injuries from birthing his 2 children. Which makes sex extremely painful. Pain relievers do nothing for the pain. The recommendation from my dr is to have a hysterectomy. So I should just get parts of me removed to make him happy and risk other complications that can come from the procedure? We wanted children, and we both knew there were risks, but I’m the only one that has to live with the consequences of our choices?
This is a very old blog post and thankfully writers like Sheila Gregoire are debunking most of the damaging advice in articles like this.
I am sorry to say… As a 60 year old male I completely agree with this article. Life is a two way street – why not strive to make YOUR PARTNER happy? Do you want him to make you happy? Or maybe he should take your attitude and tell you to shovel the snow to move your car… Who cares about your bad back…
Nothing about this article needs “debunking” nor do the biological realities of being men and women and the needs that come with them “change with the times”. Shelia is a known militant feminist who all of course go out of their way to “debunk” anything remotely traditional.
There is very little in this article which helps women.
I’ve just been on a secular website from the UK and read a post about sexual desire discrepancy. It was a straight forward, decent, sensible article with no spiritual blackmail about ‘what God wants’. Christians know who designed sex and why, we don’t need to be beaten over the head with someone’s opinion about what God wants. I came away from that secular article feeling much more encouraged than I do when I read articles like this one.
When were you “beaten you over the head” to read or apply any of the thoughts expressed in this article? You came onto a Christian web site (voluntarily) where of course, you would read an article that talks about “what God wants.” There’s no blackmail involved.
If what you and your husband are doing works for you both so you have a loving, sexually exclusive, healthy, God-honoring marriage, then all is well. You don’t need this article or any other. And if you find help in a secular (or another biblically-based) article that lines up with God’s guidelines in the Bible then… YAY! We don’t claim to corner the market on giving good advice. No human being can make that claim… only God’s words are perfectly good. Here are a few of the Biblical principles that we need to always keep in mind (the Bible’s words, not ours):
“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthew 22:37-39) … “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” (1 Corinthians 10:24) (And who is a closer neighbor than your spouse?) … “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'” (Galatians 5:13-14)
And then, of course there is: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
I don’t believe 1 Cor 7 3-5 was ever meant to be used in the way it has been by (American) Christian authors in recent years. This is what I mean by being beaten over the head with a scripture that is given far too much emphasis and importance and seems to have taken on a life of its own. Put simply, Paul was addressing a cultural practise of abstinence because they didn’t understand that sex in marriage is good and healthy. I acknowledge that many people have been blessed by these ministeries, however, I think it’s time I stopped reading marriage blogs, the whole juggernaut has become too overwhelming for me. My fault that I have allowed myself to fall down the ‘rabbit hole’, but it’s time I climbed out and stayed out.
This post is SO archaic, patriarchal, and problematic in its frankly uneducated and HIGHLY gendered broad strokes and assumptions. When being ‘Christ-centered’ is conflated THIS MUCH with fulfilling a man’s expectations (‘he has a fragile ego’ ‘sprint to a lingerie store!” Eyerolls FOREVER) while her own sexual education, awareness of her own needs and desires, and ability to write about sex as an aspect of EQUAL partnership is this lacking, one has to EVENTUALLY contend with the reality that Christian CULTURE remains incredibly destructive, especially to women. I am so disappointed in this post.
Thanks Amy, I think many women would agree with you. This article is all about sex being for the meeting of his needs and not much else.
To every wife who has complained about this article, please reread the title. This article concerns a HUSBAND’S needs, not yours. If a wife can’t find 20 minutes two or three times a week to help her husband with his sexual needs, she needs to throw him back into the ocean and let him be caught by a woman who cares more than she does.
Of course, it’s a two way street. Any husband who can’t find 20 minutes two or three times a week to meet his wife’s needs (sexual, emotional, etc.) should do the same. This article is 100% accurate! God, I’m so thankful to this author.
Ladies, have your husbands read this article and get his take on this. The comments posted by women who think this article is “outdated” or “misogynistic” need to grow up and read up on sexual health. I bet most women have no clue that more frequent ejaculation lowers men’s risk of prostrate cancer. The largest, and most comprehensive study on the topic was a 2016 longitudinal (across 18 years) study of about 32,000 men. Researchers found that men who ejaculated more than 20 times per month were 20 percent less likely to develop prostate cancer, on average.
I’m sorry, but men and women are made different. The good Lord made us this way. The Lord also created male and female to be there for each other and support each other. Sex is one of the most creative, beautiful, intimate, caring, loving, fun gifts God gave to loving couples to help them bond and stay together. God MADE sex. Say it again… God MADE sex. For either partner to withhold this gift or refuse to at least TRY to meet each others’ sexual needs is not acceptable.
Lastly, to those women who, due to physical limitations (e.g., age, dryness, etc.) find actual intercourse sex too painful to endure, there are plenty of other ways to share this intimate gift with one another. Even if you are physically unable to walk or even move without pain, you can at least let your husband be close to you, share the beauty of your body, and ejaculate. Speak to your partners! To those guys who struggle with sexual dysfunction impacting their ability to have actual intercourse sex, you too, have plenty of other ways to satisfy your partner. Man up; ask what she needs from you, and do you best to provide it. Thank you again to the author of this article.
Thank you William for the additional information you gave in your comment. There are SO many reasons why we should not deny each other sexually (unless abuse is involved, or prayer “for a time” as the Bible says). But you gave additional reasons concerning physical health. Thank you for that. I pray it helps some wives realize that there are MANY reasons why we should be intimate with each other within our marriages, and the reasons you gave are also good reasons. May you be blessed!
You say 20 minutes three times a week to keep her happy. This is so clinical and shows complete lack of understanding of a woman’s responses. You can’t put a time on it. Sometimes it takes a lot longer than 20 minutes. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you both do, it doesn’t give her pleasure.
Sometimes she might need to take a break and just leave it – frustrating for her, but this is where he needs to step up and try to understand how difficult it is for her sometimes and if a husband wants a healthy sex life, all of these things often have to be considered.
I know this is an article about his needs, but you can’t really discuss one spouses needs without considering the other spouse. There is nothing about mutuality in this article.
This is such a good comment. I don’t know why there are no responses to it.
This article may discuss a husband’s needs and not the wife’s needs but the Bible always discusses BOTH spouses’ needs! It tells both the husband and the wife to yield the marital debt to EACH OTHER. Nowhere does it just demand that the wife “give sex on demand to her husband” because he has an insatiable sex drive while she’ll never want sex herself. No, it makes it clear that should be mutual self giving so that neither of them will be tempted. Obviously this implies that the wife would be tempted, too.
The whole concept of sex and lust being things that only men struggle with is not biblical. The Bible makes it clear that these are things that both men and women struggle with. The idea that women are pure, asexual beings is unbiblical and quite odd. There were prostitutes and women caught in adultery in the Bible. Women were not all innocent virgins. For some reason our society likes to perpetuate the myth that women aren’t sexual to a ridiculous extent. So don’t lecture women about what this article is about. This article is unbiblical. I choose to base my marriage on the Bible. I have been happily married to a wonderful Christian man for 22 years and he treats me with love and respect. He would never dishonor me the way the husband in this article does his wife by using her body for his own pleasure and selfishness. That would be so demeaning and degrading.
Does she realize that Jesus is the head of her marriage? What does He think of that behavior? Wow. Sex within marriage is supposed to be unitive and procreative, not lustful and selfish. It is about a mutual full giving of self to the other. How is this husband demonstrating this if all he’s doing is essentially telling her he needs to use her for his own sexual release but he doesn’t care about her? How is he loving his wife as Christ loved the Church? This is pure, unadulterated selfishness. So I refuse to allow anyone to gaslight me by telling me that as a woman, I need to hear this message and obey. This article clearly contradicts scripture.
My first wife cheated on me and my second wife did also. They didn’t cheat for love reasons, they both found younger men and married them. My second wife has a cousin, now of 53, she has a husband of 33 years. This hasn’t helped because my second wife is inspired by her independent personality and financial independence.
Men aren’t ready for sex 24/7. This is a problem when you have a highly sexual visual wife with roaming eyes.
I’m a love oriented man. I’m a portly man and was lucky to find the third wife that loves me the way I am. We have two children and a beautiful marriage. Many men are not sex crazed and we are cheated on by women with roaming eyes.
Exactly. Not all men are sex obsessed and many women do have a very high sex drive. This article stereotypes men and women. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that only men struggle with a high sex drive. That’s totally unbiblical. Lust itself is a human struggle. The Bible tells both spouses to come together. It is mutual, not one sided. This article is very worldly.
Being cruel for chocolate is not a normal woman thing. That’s a gross representation of women. This whole article screams sexual coercion. The amount of men demanding sex vs the amount of men who have earned and deserve sex is despicably unbalanced. There is no amount of brainwashing that could convince me that someone else beyond a child I create is entitled to my body. Especially at the expense of my mental health and well being. Sex should never be a matter of grin and take it and surely not shouldn’t be justified by gaslighting ourselves and dismissing our own hierarchy of needs.
Men who regularly threaten their own home with inconsistencies, unreliability, aggression, and disrespect do not need affirmation, they need to grow up and utilize their time better. Consistently forcing sex into situations that aren’t about sex regardless of joking, horny, or because you think you have the right, makes you a predator.
Nobody is talking about being cruel here (or “aggression, and disrespect” or “forcing”). If a husband is cruel to his wife, it’s understandable that she wouldn’t want to make love to him. He needs to work on that. We’re talking about biological needs and desires. There is actually science behind this. We’re also talking about being loving, mutual marital partners where they care about and care for each other’s needs. Isn’t that all a part of marriage?
Reducing a woman’s needs to an analogy about chocolate is insulting. There is nothing “mutual”about this article.
Thank you! It’s also stupid to equate a grown woman’s “need” for chocolate to a man’s need for sex. We’re not children. I refuse to be told to make myself available to be used by a grown man because he “can’t” control himself sexually and “needs” to use my body for his own sexual release on demand. That’s absurd. I would never marry such a man-child.
Thankfully, my husband isn’t an immature, selfish, horny adolescent so he doesn’t act like that. He treats me with respect and loves me as his wife and is appalled at these comments and this ridiculous article. I can’t believe some women have such low self worth. What perplexes me is where men got the idea that sex was created just for their pleasure. That certainly not biblical.
It is so sad to see so many comments that reek of the carnal culture’s worldview and influence. Of course I’m not sure that all those commenting are professing Christians or not, but being that this is a Christian blog I would assume that many are.
As someone who has married into a foreign culture that still holds to more traditional values I can honestly say that the deterioration of western society due to the influx of secular thought and influence is making inroads into the minds of many professing Christians… For those of you who are professing Christians bothered by this blog, I implore you with all of my being as both a man of God and a pastor to lay off the blogs you’re reading and spend more time in your Bibles and get yourselves into solid churches!
My goodness, how out of touch and dated this article is after 15 years. It definitely hasn’t stood the test of time. The silly chocolate analogy makes me want to claw my eyes out.
Sex is not a need, it’s a want. A need is something you can’t live without. A want is a desire for something. Men can survive just fine without sex. And just because I am married, does not mean my body belongs to my husband to use whenever he wants. Women, as they have children and as they age, can develop issues and pain with sex.
Any man that is ok causing their spouse pain to fulfill his “needs” is not a good and respectable husband. Any man that is ok with not satisfying their woman during sex, is also not a good husband. Men need to learn that you can be intimate without sex. You can connect without sex. You can have a satisfying and happy marriage without sex. Woman are expected to “put out” or “suck it up” when they reach an age of not having the desire or health conditions that make sex painful, but are told to “deal with it” and be understanding when men reach an age they can no longer get an erection. Women are expected to just sit back and accept that their husband medical problem.
I agree with you on many of your points. A “good” husband should be concerned with their wife’s satisfaction when they are making love (and in other areas of their life together). Being sexually intimate with each other includes “oneness” and loving each other beyond what satisfies us. That is a biblical principle that pertains to all areas of our marriage, and life in general. Both the husband and wife should be concerned about each other’s needs.
I’m not sure if you are a follower of Christ because you don’t say. But this is a Christian web site, so I need to say something. If you ARE a Christian, what do you do with 1 Corinthians 7 where it talks about God’s principles for marriage? If both of you decide that you can be “intimate without sex” then that’s fine. That is a mutual decision. But if one slams the gate closed without consideration to the other’s needs, how does that line up with Philippians 2:4 where we’re told, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”?
Now, if there is pain involved then you really need to work that through, or if one can’t get an erection, or such. Sometimes we need to seek medical help if having sex together is important to one of you. But talk it through, pray it through, work it through; do all things motivated by love and giving grace. If I knew it hurt my husband physically if we had sex then we would need to work that through. I would never ask him to go through that. But I WOULD expect him to seek professional help to see if they could help him so it’s no longer an issue. If they couldn’t fix the problem, then we need to figure something else out together. The most important point is to address each other’s needs in loving, generous, grace-giving ways.
You are so beyond wrong. I can tell right away you are a woman… And hopefully you are single because you obviously would be frustrating some poor guy out there somewhere.
Men literally “fill up” to be frank, and after about three days they get overwhelmed with hormones and pain… A problem that can be solved in about 5 minutes with your love. Your type is literally why men get trapped and cheat.
So if you have erectile dysfunction and can’t perform, like many, many middle aged and older men, they all “fill up” (which doesn’t actually happen) and explode? I think not. Learn the facts about the human body. Men don’t “fill up”. That’s silly.
Sex is a relationship need. Without it, the relationship will most likely wither and die. That’s not always the case but is correct for the vast majority of people. The same as if a plant was deprived of oxygen, water, or sunlight.
Here’s the thing in my life and marriage. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 20 years. When we first met we set the sheets afire several times a day, then I got pregnant, and we got married. Our relationship was strained to the max for about the first decade. He avoided being at home and I pretty much raised our son alone.
When he was around, I’d try to initiate it, but I was met with constant rejection. I eventually stopped asking and things changed a lot when we moved back to the state I grew up in. It was like he wanted it all the time and I was always too tired, not feeling well, giving excuse after excuse as I really had no sex drive whatsoever. I’d eventually give in and have sex with him but he’d get upset if I wasn’t enjoying it as much as he wanted me to.
I’ve never faked having an orgasm with him, and I never will, so when he’d ask if I did, I’d tell him ‘no I didn’t’ and something along the lines of ‘well as long as you have a consenting hole to stick it in, then why do you give a rip if I am having a great time or not?!? Just hurry up and do what you to do so we can get on with the rest of the day’.
He doesn’t like how I view sex and it’s so much different than him, and as time went on I started to have serious health issues. Eventually I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, epilepsy, heart issues etc. and it seemed to take over my life. I’ve never had much of a libido prior to the diagnosis and when I was put on all the medications to treat my health problems my sex drive went well below zero.
That’s when it seemed like his sex drive sky rocketed! He’d ask me why I never initiated it anymore, if I even wanted him, or if I was even attracted to him anymore…blah blah blah. I told him that I’ll never initiate it ever again because for the first 10 years of our marriage I was the main one pushing sex and he rejected me! Now that I’m sick, and not in the mood he all the sudden wants to do it all the time it seems! It didn’t feel good being rejected by him, so I refuse to put myself in that vulnerable space of asking him for sex again! Not only that, but I feel strange coming on to him. It feels awkward, silly, and almost dirty when I try to come on to him. It doesn’t feel right. Something in me won’t let me be super sexual around him.
To be honest, I don’t understand why men put so much emphasis on making love but since my husband does I don’t want to make him suffer so I’ve even told him I didn’t mind if he watched porn, or even went out and got the real thing from someone else, because it’s unfair for me to hurt him by not making sex high priority. He refuses to go out and meet anyone to do it with, and he says porn isn’t the same thing as making love to me. It’s like he wants the unobtainable–something I can’t give him.
He wants me to want him in that way and I just don’t. It’s not even like I want it with someone else either! It’s almost as though I’ve turned into a greysexual or an asexual. I don’t necessarily like it but it is what it is. I’d oblige my husband by having sex with him if he wants it, but he won’t do it if I don’t really want to or if I’m not turned on. He only wants it if I want it. I keep telling him that I can’t give him something that isn’t there nor can he always have his cake and eat it too, but he still just doesn’t get it.
I don’t understand why people put so much emphasis on sex! There are many ways couples can experience intimacy! Why can’t men get that through their heads?!? Why in the heck do men only experience full intimacy when they are having sex?!? It completely baffles me, and quite honestly it ticks me off. It can get really old arguing with your spouse consistently about sex. I’m so sick of it. I gave him my blessing by telling him it’s okay for him to please himself and/or meet someone else that could fulfill him in the ways I’m unable to, but he still won’t accept it. I tell him that just because I don’t want to make love it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him any less or want his companionship, but he argues that when we take sex away from our marriage it becomes platonic and we might as well be roommates.
When he say’s that it really irks me because to me the only way he feels we can be close is through sex, and it seems that’s all he wants me from me at times. Unlike him I find many things about our marriage important and I feel close and stimulated by him in many other ways such as when we’re in conversation, or laughing together. But nooooooo noooo! He only feels close to me through sex. Geesh!
My husband used to be good in bed. Then, he wasn’t. He was lazy, selfish and very demanding. I would feel absolutely horrible after giving him what he “needed.” To heck with what I “needed.” So I stopped. He is a monster either way and I don’t feel bad or need a shower after.