“Just” Talking Together

We don’t know if you’ve ever thought about it, but:

“Communication can be one of the most beautiful ways to strengthen the bond between two people in a Christian marriage. It carries the power to bring hearts closer, to mend what feels broken, and to reflect God’s love in every interaction.” (Rachael Pace)

We wholeheartedly agree! As a matter of fact, we just had one of those types of conversations. We were “just talking together” but the connection was truly heart-warming. Such a simple interchange, and yet we both felt warmly connected to each other.

However, we’ve gone through seasons (and you may have, as well), where we haven’t felt very chatty or we’re going through an extremely busy time and “just talking together” wasn’t happening. Maybe you can relate to the comic shown here.

It may be “funny” to some couples —especially for those who are engaged or newlywed. When you’re newer in your relationship there always seem to be something to talk about together. And there is. But sadly, many couples lose the art of “just” talking together.

The dynamics of marriage often leads the way into settling us in together into a life of familiarity, which can tempt us to become lazy as far as investing the time into growing our friendship.

Another aspect of marriage can stir us up with SO much busyness (especially if you have children), that it’s not unusual to find ourselves in a place where we just don’t talk together, as we should. Either way, we’re put into a place where there is a real “need to communicate more.”

Communication is Vital

However, it’s been said that communication is the lifeblood of marriage. And we believe that to be true. We need to actively talk to each other in our marriage, to grow our relationship. Communicating with each other connects us together.

Now, we’re not talking about having a type of “reporting” conversation, where you “report” what this child has done or how that event went, or something that happened at work —the regurgitation of facts. Yes, we need to engage in those kinds of talks too; but that can’t be the only type of “conversation” we can have to truly connect. So, that’s not what we’re referring to here.

And we’re not referring to the times where you’re repeatedly talking AT each other. One of you is talking and the other is not engaged in conversing back. That happens too sometimes. We’ve seen this lived out with different couples. One couple comes to mind — close family members where to our amazement, they got into the regular groove of “talking” that way. So many words were said, and yet no there was no connection. As observers, they seemed to enjoy talking to themselves out loud AS IF they were talking to the other. Sadly, it had the appearance of a conversation, but it wasn’t.

What we’re talking about here is conversing WITH each other. The Merriam-webster dictionary defines “conversation” as an “oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas …an informal discussion of an issue.” When you talk AT each other, there is not an “exchange” of opinions and ideas. There is just blabbing, with no heart-felt connection. That type of surface talking is okay sometimes; just don’t let it become a “normal” way of “communicating” with each other.

Reporting VS Conversing

Communicating and connecting with each other does not just entail “reporting” to each other, or being contentious, and/or talking AT each other. Make sure you include time to have a “regular” conversation —where you connect in a positive, healthy, relationship growing way.

Having a regular conversation together, is where you exchange ideas. It involves each of you talking and LISTENING to what the other is saying. That is the way you better know and (sometimes) better understand each other.

Just Talking with Spouse

I LOVE talking with my husband Steve. There isn’t any other human being I’d much rather talk with, than him. It hasn’t always been this way, though. We went through several dysfunctional seasons of fighting and opposing each other. But eventually, we each woke up and applied ourselves to working on our issues. We grew our friendship into a beautifully strong one (that we continue to apply ourselves to grow). I enjoy talking with my gal friends and need them to talk about things that would bore Steve, or he just wouldn’t understand. But for the most part, he’s the one I most enjoy conversing with. And Steve says he feels the same about talking with me.

We now work hard to make sure we keep that truth alive in our marriage. We make the necessary adjustments when we notice we’ve been going through a time of not connecting in our conversations with each other. We don’t ever want to go through that season of disconnection again.

Perhaps you need help with this, and you feel you just aren’t as creative in knowing what to converse about, or you’ve gotten out of the habit of making this an important part of your relationship. If you need some ideas to get you started again, here are a few ideas for you.

Conversation Tips:

• First off, you can go into the Communication Tools topic of this web site, where you will find “Conversation Starters” and “Fish Bowl Conversations” and other articles (with links to additional topical conversation starter resources, as well).

• The Romantic Ideas topic also has some great ideas for you. Mix some romance in with your conversations sometimes. It’s good for your marriage.

– The article, 22 Minutes to a Better Marriage can also give you added tips to apply.

And:

• If your excuse is that you don’t have time to fit a conversation in with your spouse, please read, Pockets of Time.

• If it’s your children that divide and seem to conquer any time you could have together, then please go into the Children’s Effect on Marriage topic and read what you believe might help you… We’re thinking of the article, “Don’t Let Your Children Come in Between You” is a good one to start reading TOGETHER, if possible. It might stimulate a good conversation.

— ALSO —

• There are all kinds of Marriage Missions Facebook Quotes and X (Twitter) Quotes and other marriage quotes and tips that we have posted in each topic provided on this web site. You can go directly to the subjects you desire in the Topics page.

You can read one and talk about it, read another and talk about it, etc. Divide the quotes up in whatever way that works for you. Even if you disagree, that’s okay. You’re allowed to have your own opinions. (Please make sure you DO allow your spouse to have his or her own opinions.) That just says you’re different. And different isn’t bad, it’s just different! We’re all created and grow to be different in a variety of ways. That can add spice to our lives.

• If you want to converse in a deeper way, there’s a web site at Prageru.com, which houses hundreds of 5-minute videos from a variety of great thinkers. They each center on different controversial topics, that can be great for you and your spouse to watch together. You can then talk about them with each other. But whatever you do, don’t get stuck into thinking that you and your spouse must agree on everything. You may not. But just the same, enjoy the conversation.

Please Note:

This brings up an important point. When you’re conversing with each other, on a 22-minute (or longer or shorter) date time, don’t allow yourselves to start arguing with each other. This is not a time to stir up angry feelings in fighting with each other. If you and/or your spouse has a gripe of some type, schedule another time, to seriously “talk” about it. Then go on with your conversational date time.

Afterward, pray individually about it before you discuss the matter that disturbed you, so you’re able to approach the matter in a more positive direction.

Concerning all of this, we agree with something that Diane Sollee (from Smartmarriages) says about conversing with each other:

“The most important marriage skill is listening to your partner in a way that they can’t possibly doubt that you love them.”

Connect With Each Other

Listen to and talk with each other in ways that help you to better connect. It’s a GREAT way to grow your marriage in a positive, loving direction. And isn’t that a big part of the reason you got married in the first place? Didn’t you marry so you would grow together, in love, rather than to grow apart?

We hope you will put the intentionality that is needed into “just” talking together. If you do, the marriage relationship rewards can last a lifetime.

Cindy & Steve Wright

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

ALSO:

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