Do you and your bride tell each other lies about sex? I don’t mean hiding things like porn or an affair, but rather withholding information. Are lies told within your marriage? I’m talking about putting a good face on things, “white lies” and the like. Because sex is so personal, it’s tempting to think the “cold hard truth” may cause problems by hurting her feelings. While this may make something easier in the moment, it leads to bigger problems in the long run.
For sex to work well, for it to be as great as possible, a couple must know each other. They need to know each other’s bodies and minds; what feels good and what does not, what arouses and what does not, what desires they can feed and what needs to be their spouse’s decision to do.
This kind of understanding takes a lot of time, a lot of experience, and plenty of talk. Dishonesty, be it by lying or omission, is like throwing water on a fire.
Sexual Honesty: Lies Told?
To get you thinking about sexual honesty, try this list of common “sex lies”:
- “It’s okay.” Doesn’t matter what “it” is, if it’s not okay, don’t say it is.
- “That was great!” If it was only good, don’t say it was great.
- “_______ is no big deal to me.” It’s a loving thing to not push her to do something she does not want, enjoy or feel right about, but don’t lie about what you want.
- “Twice a week would be enough.” If you know twice a week would still be too little, don’t tell her it would be enough. If she gets there she will know you are not satisfied even if you don’t say anything. And then what?
- “I never masturbate.” If you do it, no matter how often, be honest with her. If you feel it’s wrong, tell her that. And if you feel it’s not wrong, tell her that. If you do it because going more than three days is a problem, tell her that.
- “I’ve haven’t looked at porn in _______.” If you determine you will confess any slip, of any size, it will help you not look. If you can confess even small slips (“It was a pop-up, and I did not close it as fast as I could have”) she will see your struggle, and your honest attempt to beat it.
- “I know that was good for you.” If that is a question, ask her. If you are trying to convince her, you are wasting your time.
- “I came.” Yes, guys fake it too. Usually not by saying they did, but by going through the motions and getting rid of the condom fast. If you lose the sensation, tell her. Then either stop or do what it takes to get going again and finish. If you don’t feel the need to climax, let her know that. Tell her you enjoy sex with her, and sometimes you don’t need to climax. And PLEASE don’t fake it then go to the bathroom to masturbate!
If you have been telling any sexual lies, come clean. Lies told within a marriage will hurt it. Even if your lies are very minor, use them as a way to start a discussion about total sexual honesty with your bride.
This article was written by Paul Byerly, who first posted it on his web site, The-Generous-Husband.com —one we highly recommend you visit. He and his wife Lori also are the founders of Themarriagebed.com, which is also a web site we highly recommend you visit to gain great wisdom.
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3 responses to “Lies Told Between the Sheets”
(USA) I love the Byerlys. Their posts are always straight and to the point, something needed greatly in our current marriage culture. Thank you for re-posting this!
I think it’s fairly obvious most men, especially those in low sex or no sex marriages would much rather be lied to than actually deal with sexually pleasing a woman. It’s just too much work and nothing worth the bother. If she fakes it he gets to feel wanted and is satisfied, the sex is the marriage is good because it’s frequent and it meets the man’s needs which is the most important thing Biblically.
If this leads to resentment and trust issues in the marriage, well God said it was a sin to refuse one another, the husband is having sex, he’s fulfilling his obligation, he’s not required to deal with his wife’s crap or make sure she likes it. Sex is about procreation and satisfying him.
Wow; what a joy you must be to live with.