“When all is said and done, we are commanded by God to love!” (Dr Randy Carlson) We doubt that any Christ-follower would argue against that point. But sometimes we forget to be loving and affectionate with each other after we marry.
This week we’re going to draw from Dr. Randy Carlson’s book, Starved for Affection (published by Tyndale House) to learn some practical ways to combine both what we say and what we do. It focuses on giving love and affection. [For more on Dr. Carlson’s ministry, resources and free e-newsletters on marriage, go to Theintentionallife.com]
On this subject he writes:
Love is a biblical mandate and is foundational to a successful marriage. I’m convinced every reasonably healthy person is equipped to love others the way God designed. You choose to love someone else by putting their needs above your own. It’s a commitment of your will.
Affection, however, is a step beyond love. Affection takes the loving relationship between a man and woman in marriage into the deeper realm of tender expressions. This results in feelings of closeness and security. Affection takes work because it requires knowledge of what makes the other person feel loved. You show affection when you perceive and appreciate what your spouse needs and meet those needs in a way he or she can understand.
Here’s my definition of affection:
Affection is the kind of love that leaves you feeling close, safe, and cared for. I like to say (though it may be grammatically flawed) that affection is “love as actions.” These are actions that leave your spouse feeling really good about you and your marriage.
Love is the commitment and the action. And affection is the safe, secure feeling that results. Strong marriages thrive when both the behavior of love and the feelings of affection are present. This “love as actions” is what moves you the 18 inches from your head to your heart:
• Love is patient. Affection is empathetic.
• Love is kind. Affection is tender.
• Love is not rude. Affection thoughtfully apologizes for its words.
• Love is not self-seeking. Affection rubs the back of a discouraged spouse.
• Love does not delight in evil. Affection carefully and privately uncovers sin and helps the person back onto his feet.
• Love never fails. Affection undergirds and confirms your unfailing love for your spouse.
But do you need to “feel” like showing affection in order to do it? The answer is no. I’ve found that sometimes I don’t feel like forgiving another person, but I do it out of sheer obedience to God who requires it of me, the feelings of forgiveness will eventually follow my obedience. Feelings follow thought and behavior.
You may feel anything but affectionate toward your spouse. But if you begin to act out affection, you could be surprised when your feelings catch up with your actions.
In his book The Fine Art of Friendship, Ted Engstrom tells of a man named Joe who was so upset with his wife that he decided to divorce her. But before serving her the papers, he made an appointment with a psychologist with the specific purpose of finding out how to make life as difficult as possible for her.
The psychologist said, “I’ve got the perfect solution. Starting tonight, treat your wife as if she were a goddess. Change your attitude 180 degrees. Start doing everything in your power to please her. Listen to her when she talks about her problems, help around the house, and take her out to dinner on weekends. Then, after two months of this wonderful behavior, just pack your bags and leave her. That should get to her!”
So Joe implemented the plan that evening. He couldn’t wait to do things for her. He brought her breakfast in bed, had flowers delivered to her for no particular reason, and took her on romantic weekends. They even read books to each other, and Joe listened to her as never before. He kept this up for the full two months.
After the allotted time, the psychologist called Joe at work. “Joe,” he asked, “how’s it going? Did you file for divorce? Are you a happy bachelor once again?” “Divorce?” asked Joe. “Are you kidding? I’ve never been happier in my life!”
Showing Love and Affection
The idea of course, is that when he began to show love to his wife, she responded, and they fell in love all over again. There’s no guarantee that this will happen in every marriage. But if you start loving the spouse God has given you by showing affection even when you don’t think it’s deserved, I can guarantee your efforts will be noticed.
Only God can give you the strength to survive in a lonely or loveless relationship and reach out to your spouse even when you may not feel like it. After all, he loved us when we were pretty unlovable (Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates he own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”) and he can show you how to be loving and affectionate in your situation as well.
All of this brings to mind something Henry Blackaby said on the difference between God’s love and worldly love.
“Jesus commanded those who wanted to be his disciples to follow HIS standard for loving rather than the world’s standard. He directs us to love in exactly the same way he loves us. When Jesus saw us hopelessly enslaved to sin, he didn’t say, ‘I don’t feel like dying on the cross for them. I think I’ll wait until the feeling comes.’
He didn’t say, “I’ve tried and tried to love them, but they always reject me —I give up!’
Jesus saw that without him we would perish, and acted lovingly toward us despite our rejecting him. His love didn’t depend on what we did to deserve it, or even on whether we accepted it. JESUS FREELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY GAVE US HIS LOVE.”
Love With No Strings Attached
This is how God wants us to love our spouses. Not with strings attached, as the world loves. Not just love as long as they’re lovable. Not just love as long as they appreciate it. God wants us to give our love freely and unconditionally. Only God can help us to love in this way.
We challenge you to act towards your spouse in loving ways that will astound him or her. Do this even if you don’t feel like doing it. Start looking for ways to lavishly show love and honor (maybe like you did before you married and started allowing the distractions of life to interfere with the nice things you used to do and say to him or her).
You may be surprised what your loving and affectionate words and actions will do within the heart of your spouse —and also within your own heart. It may take your marriage to a new level that you never knew was possible.
We pray God will help you to do this and abundantly bless your lives together as a result,
Steve and Cindy Wright
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4 responses to “Being Loving AND Affectionate – MM #198”
(USA) I had a discussion with my fiance today concerning her not showing affection towards me. She did not take the situation very well. She stated, “You hurt me with your words”. Now we are not sure how things will work out. She has a twin sister that is very close to her and I seem to be be competing with her sister over us being together. I explained to my fiance that all I was asking was, “I seem to have to be the one that initiate affection more then her and I was curious why she did not”.
(UNITED STATES) I’m laying in bed right now. And I’m saddened at the fact that the mother of my child has not been affectionate with me on a consistent basis. It hurts so much. I want to marry her. But I am afraid that this behavior will carry over in the marriage and I will always have that empty feeling. It simply hurts.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband shows no affection towards me. But at night in bed he wants to have sex with me, and I find it hard to respond to him sexually. I have told him many times that I need affection and that when I have it, sex becomes easier, but he does not seem to care. Instead, he constantly wants me to please him sexually and when I fail to do so, he become even more distant which hurts me so much.
I try this almost every day. My husband does not believe in God and can be very mean sometimes. I try to show him God’s love and forgiveness through my actions and how I respond when he isn’t very nice. He used to be so loving and caring and went out of his way; he was everything I wanted in a relationship, the overwhelming feeling to feel loved and appreciated. Then, little by little he started to change, yet we’re still married and now there is no love, no affection, or I should say there is, on his terms. I don’t know how to go about this; I’ve talked to him very calmly and explained how I feel and he usually turns it around like its my fault. There are many other issues, but what I can say is I’m very good to my husband. I love him even when he doesn’t deserve it. I’m the only person he has close that can mimic God’s love, forgiveness and understanding, but I don’t know if because of this he takes for granted my heart and feelings.