One of the things I love about this web site is the way that people from different countries minister to each other. They share various insights that brings to light, when they share. That recently happened when on Angie, from South Africa, wrote the following comment. It concerns making a spouse feel valued, under the article, “When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex”:
“I have read through these comments and I feel sad to say many are missing the point here. I have been married for 8 years, been together with my husband for 12 years. And we struggle with the same for years. Well at least, in my case I’m not withholding his sex on purpose. It truly is not something I think about 24-7 and that is why I don’t even recall the last time we were intimate. I think might be a month ago.
Different Ways of Seeing and Feeling Valued
But you can guess that her husband can “recall the last time.”
“To my husband it’s the end of the world. He constantly tells me I have something wrong with me for not desiring to have sex. This made me think. So now I am constantly questioning all my motives. This is havoc for me all because of his words. He slandered me that there is something wrong. This has become such a huge stronghold and till today I don’t know the reason. And it’s not past abuse that’s makes me act this way. I started really digging deep, asking why? Why is being intimate with him not a Biggy for me?”
And here’s the point she wrote that I want you to consider:
“The truth of the matter, and this is to all men, you stopped making her feel like a woman. Be it in deed, action, or words. Your wife does not feel like a woman, so in short, she will not do or act as a woman should by giving herself to her husband. No matter how much stuff you buy, how many times you clean house, walk the dog, do dishes; it’s all about how she feels next to your side. Does she truly feel like a woman?
“There is no medical reason for this, never mind what experts say. The fact is this and only this. She does not feel like a woman. No woman is attracted to any man who makes her feel like a child or that she is incompetent. Hear me clearly, no woman is attracted, no matter how much stuff you do for her —you can bring her the moon, but if you have lost how to make her feel like a woman again, nothing will work. Try it and see if she will not resume intimacy within a week of changing how you see your wife. I bet you she will. But sadly too many men are too self-centered to attempt this.”
Putting Forth the Effort
I’m not sure if it’s that most of the men who don’t are “too self-centered” or if they just don’t get it. It makes no sense to them, so they don’t even put forth the effort (just like women don’t always put forth effort if they don’t understand its importance).
I think Angie makes a really good point. Most women need to feel valued and important to give of themselves over and over again sexually. They make love in order to feel connected emotionally. If they don’t feel connected emotionally, they eventually lose interest or they get turned off even thinking about giving themselves over to someone they aren’t liking too much (or even at all).
Of course, there are exceptions to this, but generally, I’ve found this is how it goes.
The Other Side
But then Tony, from the U.S., wrote a very valid response —one that needs to be heard, as well:
“Yet the same goes for the man. Let me take what you wrote and put it in his perspective. To my wife it’s no big deal. She constantly tells me I have something wrong with me for wanting to have sex. This made me think. So now I am constantly questioning all my motives. This is havoc for me, all because of her words and inaction. She slandered me that there is something wrong with me, for feeling this way. This has become such a huge stronghold and till today. I don’t know the reason.
“And it’s not past abuse, or porn, or any defect that makes me act this way. I started really digging deep, asking why? Why is being emotionally close with her not a Biggy for me?
“The truth of the matter, and this is to all women, you stopped making him feel like a man. Be it in deed, action, or words. Your husband does not feel like a man, so in short he will not do or act, as a man should, by giving himself emotionally to his wife. No matter how much stuff you buy, how many times you clean house, walk the dog, do dishes, it’s all about how he feels next to your side. Does he truly feel like a man? It goes both ways.”
So, here’s the question, “Do you make your spouse feel valued?” A marriage can often run off of the good feelings you cause to happen between the two of you. It takes intentionality to help your spouse feel valued and feel like a man or a woman —the person God created you to be.
To help you more with this matter, please read the following:
Here are a Few More Tips:
• When your spouse talks to you, look into his or her eyes to connect.
• Make sure you actively listen to what your spouse says to you. Don’t appear to listen but actually be occupied in your thoughts and actions.
• Make sure your body language says, “I care” when your spouse needs your attention. Don’t turn away or be busy with something else. Center your attention on your spouse whenever you can.
• Don’t forget your manners. Yes, you live together and you can’t always be free of noises and smells, but try to do your best. Saying, “Please” and “thank you” goes a long way. And so does letting your spouse go first through the doors, etc. Extending common courtesies helps your spouse feel valued.
Above all, treat your spouse like you believe Christ would want you to… Be God’s colleague in loving your spouse to the best of your ability, and your spouse will DEFINITELY feel valued.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
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Filed under: Marriage Blog