Who in the world enjoys confronting someone when there’s a problem? Neither one of us —that’s for sure! And from the people we talk to, there aren’t many other “normal” spouses who are comfortable with marital confrontation either.
But what do you do when you have a problem and you NEED to confront your marital “partner” about it?
Did you notice that we said marital “partner?” We emphasize that because that’s what we’re supposed to be in our marriages. We’re supposed to interact with each other as “no longer two but one flesh” being “united” in how we conduct ourselves in our married life. We are not to act in ways that separate our marital unity. (See: Matthew 19:4-6 and Mark 10:7-9.) We often forget to apply this principle when we’re upset with each other.
(FYI: We know that we addressed this subject a while ago, but we believe we have more that needs to be said about it. So, please read on. We pray we will all learn through what we’ll be saying here.)
Marital Confrontation
The biblical principle comes to mind to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” So, how would YOU want to be confronted if you were doing something you shouldn’t be doing? You (just like us) would probably want your spouse to be as kind as possible. You/we may not LIKE to be confronted or to confront, but if it needs to be done, may it be done respectfully! It’s important to allow our spouse’s dignity and feelings to remain in tact (to the degree they can be).
That’s a lesson I (Cindy) learned the hard way. I confronted Steve a while back in a harsh way. I felt justified in doing so because the situation was so upsetting! As I walked away from him the Lord talked very frankly to my heart. He told me that my anger did not justify my cruel words or actions. I tried to rationalize this with the Lord, but in the end, I knew I needed to go back and apologize to my husband. The seriousness of the situation did not justify such mean-spirited words. I did so humbly (and that wasn’t easy because I was still angry at Steve).
The Lord showed me that WE want to be treated in a gentle manner, yet many times when WE confront our spouse we can be harsh and blunt about it. The rationalization is, “Well, they deserve this because they hurt me!” But that’s not how the Lord looks at it. We’re told in the Bible, “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil” (Proverbs 15:28). We might not think of ourselves as evil but are our words evil and the way we deliver them? And is that the way we would want our spouse to speak to us?
We’re also told in the Bible, “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction“ (Proverbs 16:23). “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11). Ouch!
As far as Marital Confrontation We’re Also Told:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen“ (Ephesians 4:29). So, when we we’re angry and we verbally lash out at our spouse in a mean spirited manner, does it “benefit” our marriage or our spouse? Or does it heap more damage on top of a difficult situation?
And, are we sure it even needs to be said in the first place? We were told by a counselor a number of years ago that it may be good to ask ourselves (ahead of time), “What difference will this thing we’re fighting about make in ten years? In one year? In a month?” If it will make no difference, then we might consider if it’s important enough to even bring it up.
But if we’re sure it’s important to confront our spouse about a particular matter, we need to remember that the Bible tells us that, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” That’s true in how we approach our spouse over any situation that’s important to us. If we come in with our temper flaring, we’ll usually only succeed in heating up the situation. But if we soften our approach, “Speaking the truth in love” our spouse will have more of a tendency to receptive to listen and interact in a productive way. That’s not always the case, but they’ll be more inclined to do so.
As far as Marital Confrontation, may we always remember:
• Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18).
• “While it’s critical to find the truth about issues affecting your marriage, relationship is always more important than issues. You are partners, not prosecutors. That partnership doesn’t end when you discuss sensitive topics.” (Rob Jackson) Love aims at unity.
• “Never let the problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved.” (Barbara Johnson)
• “You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.” (Emerson Eggerichs)
Lastly, the following is something that relationship expert, Gary Smalley posted on one of his web sites (he has had many). This advice might better guide us when it’s necessary to confront our spouse:
Here are three principles that outline a way to gently confront:
The other person is far more apt to receive your comments when he or she hears them expressed through these principles:
1. Learn to express your feelings through three loving attitudes: warmth, empathy, and sincerity. These are common words, but what do they mean? Warmth is the friendly acceptance of a person. Empathy is the ability to understand and identify with a person’s feelings. Sincerity is showing a genuine concern for a person without changing your attitude toward him when circumstances change.
2. Learn to share your feelings when angry or irritated without using “you” statements and instead replacing them with “I feel” statements.
3. Learn to wait until your anger or feelings of irritability have subsided before you begin to discuss a sensitive issue.
As far as marital confrontation he went on to write:
No one likes to be criticized, regardless of how much truth lies behind the criticism. Whether, we are male or female, six or sixty, when someone corrects us, we automatically become defensive.
Yet honest communication is vital to any relationship. These two basic truths appear contradictory. How do you honestly tell the one you love about something you find displeasing or aggravating without prompting, that familiar, defensive glare or indifferent shrug?
Lord, help me express myself in such a way that my loved one knows deeply of my love and care.
To help you further with this issue and other communication problems you may be having search around our web site and see what we have posted that you can use. We even have a list of Scriptures on Communication in the Communication and Conflict topic that you may want to go through together.
Cindy & Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
ALSO:
If you are not a subscriber to the Marriage Insights (emailed out weekly)
and you would like to receive them directly, click onto the following:
Filed under: Marriage Messages