It’s a subject that isn’t often discussed in Christian circles. But what do you do if you find out that mental illness is affecting your spouse? What can you do about it? This affects your life in drastic ways.
It’s a scary thought to consider spousal mental illness but as author Jim Killam says:
“Look around you. At work, at church. Chances are very good you’ll see someone who’s battling mental illness. Maybe you only need to look as far as the other side of the bed …or the mirror.
“Many Christians don’t figure that mental illness could affect their marriages. But it does—in about the same proportions as with the general population. Each year, more than one in five Americans suffers from a clearly diagnosable mental disorder. And, Christian therapists add, more couples need to confront the whole issue rather than assume it’s solely a spiritual problem.” (Jim Killam, from the article, “What’s Wrong With Him?”)
When Your Spouse Has a Mental Illness
Pertaining to this issue, I read an article a while ago titled, “When Your Spouse Has a Mental Illness.” It was posted on the Brainphysics.com web site. Unfortunately, it is no longer available on their web site. (We can’t find it anywhere else either.) This article gave a very compelling testimony of a wife whose husband, William, suffers from mental illness. It has taken him, her, and their family places that none of them ever dreamed they would go. His mental illness manifested itself mostly in sexual ways, even though “faith and family” was their focal point.
Eventually, he was diagnosed with a severe form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Through hospital treatments and more, William is able to function in a more productive way.
I wish we could let you read the entire testimony. But unfortunately, we can’t. However, here is the last portion of what this wife testified. She wrote:
“Here are a few important things I have learned from my experience. I don’t pretend to have mastered all of these points. But if you have a mate with a mental illness, perhaps you can benefit from my struggle.
KNOW YOUR ENEMY!
“The more I learned about William’s illnesses, the more I was able to understand his behavior. This enabled me to better empathize and become a more positive force in his treatment. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts followed by rituals aimed at warding off the anxiety-provoking obsessions. This explained the bizarre sexual thoughts and William’s subsequent, drastic actions. He has a less common form of the disease, which was why his therapist had failed to identify it.
“William’s hospital psychologist also felt he may have bipolar disorder. This is more commonly known as manic-depression. This explained the mood swings, as well as social phobia. It also explained his extreme fear of criticism or evaluation. Our family therapist also identified some dissociative symptoms. This is the reason William would seem to ‘check out’ during marital conflicts. Although much of the time it felt like my husband was the enemy, the illness is the true enemy. If your spouse has a mental illness, arm yourself with as much information as possible. A full psychological evaluation is critical. Read books, talk to the doctors, and even take a class if you have time. The more you know, the easier it will be to sort out the illness from the one you love.
GET THE RIGHT KIND OF TREATMENT.
“I’ve heard that it takes seven years from the time someone begins to look for help for their OCD until they find it. Although William had been seeing a therapist for six months prior to his hospitalization, the treatment he was getting was completely useless for his type of disorder. Psychodynamic therapy, rooted in Freud’s theories of conflicting inner impulses and childhood issues, is not an effective treatment for OCD. Cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) on the other hand, which focuses on thought processes and changing specific behaviors, has a proven track-record for many anxiety disorders. CBT is expensive and sometimes hard to find but well worth it.
“Also the judicious use of proper medication is essential. William was put on 150 mg of the antidepressant Zoloft, which is also effective for OCD. It may be necessary to make sure your spouse has been stabilized with medication before starting off with CBT. Sometimes it is important to make sure the medications are working before any ‘cold turkey’ can be served!
DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN YOUR SPOUSE’S ILLNESS!
“I thought I was being supportive by offering continued reassurances and listening to William’s confessions. However, I later learned that this type of participation only worsened his OCD. I have since heard of many cases where spouses have helped the ill member with his or her irrational rituals. Although it is important to not enable or participate in a ritual it is also important to let them finish their ritual or compulsion with out yelling, ‘Stop it!’ Never say, ‘Can’t you just quit doing that?’ Talk to your mate’s clinician about what your role in the treatment should be. Your behavior can effect your spouse’s recovery for better or for worse. However, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can cure your mate. The illness is his responsibility.
REMEMBER, YOU ARE THE HEALTHY ONE!
“Even months later, William would still question his diagnosis. Then at other times he would insist that I had OCD too. When your mate is not thinking clearly, he or she may try to convince you that you are the one with the problem. You may question your own judgment at times. Follow your intuition and stick to your guns. Do not allow your partner’s disordered thinking to effect your self-esteem.
GET FAMILY COUNSELING.
“Keeping a family together is hard enough even when neither member has a mental illness. Family counseling has helped our marriage tremendously. Make sure you find someone who also has a good understanding of your partner’s disorder. Having a couples therapist who knows how to do CBT when necessary has really come in handy.
“You can’t do it alone. And you can’t expect your impaired mate to meet all of your emotional needs. Maintain as many friendships as possible. Find a support group for yourself. Attend a monthly meeting for family members of people with OCD. This is a great source of education and coping strategies.
FIND OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES.
“Because so much of my daily life revolved around my husband’s dysfunction, other activities were critical. Find something that you like to do without your spouse. This will give a needed break and provide you with more energy for the next bout.
HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.
“Once William was out of the hospital and was successfully participating in the UCLA NPI day treatment program, I was so impressed by his improvement that I often forgot that he was still mentally ill. About three weeks after has initial diagnosis I began to miscarry my pregnancy. When I asked him to take me to the doctor I was shocked and hurt when he suggested I go alone. This is because he had so much work to do, even though he had taken a leave of absence for the quarter. In retrospect, I can see how his anxiety impaired his ability to respond appropriately. (At the time, however, I was not so understanding!)
“After several months of attending my family support group I found that I actually had something to offer others who were just beginning on the road to recovery. I was surprised at how good it felt to be useful. Later, I became involved with the OC and Spectrum Disorders Association. (It was formerly named the OC Foundation of California.) I frequently correspond with others who are in need of advice and support. Helping others has given some meaning to what is unquestionably the worst experience I have ever endured.
“Although there are many excellent treatments, a relapse can happen at any time. After a year of treatment, William’s psychiatrist weaned him off of medication. Many of his symptoms returned. And he was too embarrassed to tell anyone for almost twelve months. When I found out about it, the shock was almost unbearable. Like many mental disorders, there is no cure for OCD. Accepting that there will be setbacks makes them easier to handle when they occur.
“Especially during times of difficulty, I forget how far we’ve both come. Since William’s initial hospitalization he completed a successful course of difficult CBT. He also earned a master’s degree in physics. I now have a better understanding of his illness. As a result, our relationship has improved considerably. Yet I feel more independent than ever before.
“It’s been two years since William’s initial diagnosis. The first year was difficult and William’s progress seemed painfully slow at times. Medical bills totaled over seven-thousand dollars after insurance. But the results were well worth it. Despite many ups and downs, William’s functioning has greatly improved. He just passed his first oral exam, and is less than a year away from a Ph.D. He dreams of being a professor.
“Though I’m grateful that we’ve made progress and found some good treatments, I reflect soberly on the losses and many unknowns. I lost my husband for over a year. And I still don’t know who he is much of the time. I’ve lost many of my ‘friends,’ our church, my sanity at times, and even our unborn child. I realize that life has no guarantees. My husband or children might wrestle with the same demon on another day. I hate the struggle. But I know I’ve come out stronger. Though I don’t have any satisfying answers yet, I turn to God for strength. I try to deal with the problems as they arise, one day at a time.”
What a God-honoring attitude! Dealing with “the problems as they arise, one day at a time” is so healthy! I hope that helps you in some way.
Additionally, I want to share someone else’s story that may inspire you in your situation. It comes from Tim Savage’s book, “No Ordinary Marriage”:
“A member of our church endured for decades the trials of a wife who suffered from mental illness. Thirty-two years of recurring emotional breakdowns rendered her incapable of even the most elementary affection. She rarely initiated a conversation, and seldom responded to levity. Plus she never offered the encouragement of sexual love. It was rather just year after year of mostly stony silence.
“One day when her husband visited me in the church office I plucked up the courage to ask him how he managed to remain faithful to his wife. Additionally I asked him why he never contemplated divorce. ‘I am so blessed!’ was his quick reply. ‘In what way?’ I inquired incredulously. He explained: ‘I believe the Lord brought the two of us together. I figure He chose me out of all the men of the world to take care of her.’ (At this point he wrapped his middle finger around his index finger to signify unity.) ‘I have asked God ten thousand times to give her a right mind. But he must have wanted to use her struggles to make me a better person.’
“Deeply moved, I asked, ‘How have you made it this far?’ His eyes brightened as if to announce an insight whose goodness had been confirmed a hundred times over the years. He said, ‘In bed every night after I tuck her in, I take her hand in mine. I then say, ‘I love you.’ I don’t let a day go by without telling her I love her. Then with hands linked together I pray and we go to sleep.”
Here are additional articles that you might find helpful to read:
• WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS MENTALLY ILL
• MENTAL ILLNESSES AND YOUR MARRIAGE
• WHEN GRACE AND REALITY COLLIDE: Dealing with the Mentally Ill (Part 1)
• WHEN GRACE AND REALITY COLLIDE: Dealing with the Mentally Ill (Part 2)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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69 responses to “When Mental Illness is Affecting Your Spouse”
WOW! Never thought I could google my problem. How weird. I’ve been married 45 yrs. I got born-again, filled with the HOLY SPIRIT 10 yrs into our marriage. In 1981 GOD literally transformed my life. I’ve been on fire ever since up and down. BUT, I thought God would’ve fixed my marriage by now. REALLY. My husband has a diagnosis of NO PHYSICAL HOPE. The doctors have given up on him. DEPRESSION IS hurting me and I have to bite my tongue. I’m on my knees in the WORD daily. Am I missing something here? I’m NOT giving up on my husband!!! But I’VE COME to a place where JESUS IS EITHER THE WAY AND THE TRUTH or NOT. Is HE WHAT HE CLAIMS TO BE?!!!
Dear LoAnn, How my heart goes out to you! I can certainly understand why you are struggling with doubts –wondering if you have missed anything here, as far as having your prayers answered. I’ve been there many times (even though they have been under different circumstances). I have written several blogs on some of the things I’ve learned through these tough, tough times. One of them can be found at: https://marriagemissions.com/rejected-how-do-i-cope/. Through the tough times, I’ve learned that I can’t box God in, thinking He should answer my prayers the way I thought He should. That would make Him a Celestial Bellboy –One who does things my way, rather than me going the way that He sees best. God sure is complicated, isn’t He?
LoAnn, I cry for you and pray and hope for you. I don’t know how God will help you, but I know He will. He may decide not to change the circumstances (although He may), but He will show you ways to cope and grow and get your smile back again. You just have to look to the person of Jesus Christ to give you the hope and help that He knows you need. I heard a 2-part radio broadcast by Andy Stanley that really brings all of this to light. It’s a Focus on the Family radio broadcast. I’ll give you the link here: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/media/daily-broadcast/who-is-the-author-of-your-faith-pt1. It will stay linked for a short time, but they change their links fairly often, so please listen to it soon, before it breaks. And then go up to the “All Episodes” link to listen to Part 2. Trust me… this broadcast is absolutely terrific. It puts our faith walk into perspective.
I’ve learned through the years of walking with the Lord to have faith in Him, not my circumstances. FAITH is F.A.I.T.H. = Forsaking All I Trust Him! When I put my trust in Him –not the difficult circumstances I find myself in, as I live in this fallen world, I am able to find hope. Please listen to the broadcasts… pray and trust HIM that He will show you how to continue on day by day. God works miracles. Sometimes the miracles are seen on the outside; other times they come within us. I don’t know how God will do this for you, but I pray for it and for you and your husband. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit!” (Romans 15:13)
It sounds like this William person has Borderline Personality disorder, and not all the other conditions mentioned here. BPD can result in many of the above-mentioned conditions, and men with bpd are often misdiagnosed because bpd supposedly affects more females than males.
I could cry right now…my husband has intrusive thought OCD, as well. We have struggled with this awful disorder for 9 long years. A couple of times a year when my husbands disorder rears its ugly head I find myself combing the internet for encouraging articles.
Sometimes all I can do to survive in the moment is turn to support online. I am in process of finding a support group and have made one friend who’s husband has mental illness, as well, but when I need a quick encouragement I visit saved articles of people who know what I struggle with everyday. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this and have included it in my saved articles. Its actually very difficult to find articles on wives that share their experience with spousal OCD. I learned a few things also, so thats nice too. OCD is so incredibly awful and I am so thankful to find people who are willing to talk about it. God bless you for sharing this! You have sincerely touched my heart.
Is your husband on any kind of medications? My wife has OCD and has tried 3 different antidepressants. I REALLY hate it for her, but it has helped some, she sees a psychologist and a therapist.
Hi, This article brought me to tears, both good and bad. My husband has severe scrupulosity OCD and I don’t know how to get/find/be of help for him. I AM a psychologist…and that is something we don’t learn. How do you get someone you love the help they need without destroying what is left of the relationship? Does anyone out there have advice on how to start that conversation? I obviously can’t treat him myself. Thank you, Praying for help.
We are 12 years married. She began showing signs of illness early on. She would go get help. Only to have a setback. Inpatient visits, we’re at four. She is suffering terribly now. Fresh out of the hospital and had trouble with the law. I am fairly lost at this point. She says I am a failure and every other name in the book. And my health suffers due to this. I am losing my grip on thinking things could or will ever improve.
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