What do you do if you’re the one who has done wrong? You have acknowledged your error, but the other person won’t forgive you. Or they say they forgive you, but act like they’re still trying to even the score? Do you have to keep asking for forgiveness? Do you need to beg? What if the other person won’t forgive you?
These are tough questions. Most marriages deal with this problem at some point. It’s relatively easy to restore a relationship when both partners are willing —one willing to seek forgiveness and the other willing to forgive. But when the wronged partner is unforgiving, what can the guilty partner do?
Closed Spirit
First, remember the closed hand. The unforgiving partner has probably closed his or her spirit to you, and you need to find ways of reopening it. This can’t done that by yelling, warning, shaming, or threatening. “You call yourself a Christian? You have to forgive me or I’ll tell everyone at church what you’re really like!”
Will that help to open anyone’s spirit? Of course not. The fist will just tighten further.
You do not want to go on the offensive in this situation. Remember your position. You have done wrong, and you have caused pain. You are now asking a favor. Even if you are both Christians, forgiveness cannot be demanded. Your partner does not owe it to you. You are asking your partner to take a chance on you, a chance to be hurt again. Your partner has every right to have a closed spirit. Now, is there any way to coax it open?
Apology is First
The first attempt is the apology, which you have already offered. Was it sincere? Did you recognize the full extent of your misdeeds? Was it unconditional?
Let’s go to the example of Wilma. Let’s say her apology went something like this: “I’m sorry I threw away your stuff, but you really needed to get rid of it anyway.”
That’s what we call a conditional apology. These usually contain a yeah-but clause in them. If there was any excuse or but in your apology, then go back and apologize more sincerely.
Or you may have used blame shifting in your apology. Kids are especially good at this technique: “I know you told me not to go in the water, but Joey pushed me.” (That’s one I used as a kid.) Even adults use this technique at times: “I know I said I’d be home by 6:00, but my boss wanted me to..”
Take Full Responsibility
While Joey or the boss may have affected your behavior, you still need to take full responsibility for the wrong you committed. “My boss asked me to stay and finish payroll, but I know you told me that you had a doctor’s appointment at 6:00, so I should have called or gotten someone else to fill in for me. I was wrong to come home late today. I know that it really messed up your day, and you have good reason for being angry with me. It is my hope that you will be able to forgive me.” Conditions, excuses, and blame shifting are manipulative. They erode trust rather than restore it.
But what if this has all happened before? You are late for the umpteenth time. If it’s not your boss, it’s the train or the traffic or the terrorist incident that happened on your way home. You have become adept at apologizing with so much practice.
Change in Attitude and Behavior
Do you wonder why you’re not being forgiven? Apologies can lose their effect, after about the tenth or twentieth time. Your partner may be withholding forgiveness because he or she does not trust what you’re saying. That’s why our apologies need to be followed by an attitude or behavioral change. In religious terms, you might call this repentance. You stop the offensive behavior, confess it, and then turn the other way.
This step —repentance —may require some time to demonstrate that you really have changed, such as when Art had to prove to Sylvia that he really could be trusted again. Will your partner’s spirit reopen to you? Maybe. Your only remaining tools are prayer, patience and persistence.
Prayer
Pray that God will open your partner’s spirit, and that He will give you the strength and wisdom to know how to respond.
Patience
When you’re trying to mend fences and your partner is stonewalling, the natural, human reaction is to get mad and resentful. You need patience to continue being nice when you’re getting little or no reinforcement.
Persistence
Don’t continue to apologize, as long as you have done so sincerely. But you do need to persist in your attempts to demonstrate love, concern, and the desire to improve the relationship. This can be done by reassuring hugs, persistent nonsexual touch, and affirming words of encouragement—even if your partner is not as receptive as you’d like.
What if Sylvia didn’t accept Art’s apology after he had been unfaithful to her but felt sorrowful afterwards? And what if she was cold and closed to him for several months? What could Art do to help her forgive him?
Pray First
First, he could pray that God would open her spirit. If Sylvia was willing, they could even pray together.
Then Art would need to show patience, treating her gently and lovingly. He would need to make behavioral changes in order to rebuild trust. But he would also need to make spirit-opening gestures as well. He wouldn’t want to do this in a manipulative way: “Oh, I’ll buy her some flowers and gifts and she’ll get over it eventually.”
Instead he might discuss how he knows that he’s hurt her deeply but that he’s committed to rebuilding the relationship. He might even ask her to give him hand signals from day to day, showing how open or closed her spirit is toward him-a closed fist, a partially open fist, and then a hand which is steadily opening.
Do What Won the Heart at Beginning of Relationship
In a solution-based model, we would ask, “How did Art win Sylvia’s trust during the very beginning of their relationship?” While they were dating, Art paid close attention to her needs, listened to her ideas and concerns, and sent her little cards and notes. They went on special dates, held hands, and exchanged reassuring hugs and kisses. Now Art needs to do all those things that he did to win her over in the beginning.
This article is edited from the book, The Marriage Mender, by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. This book gives solution-based tools to begin rebuilding your marriage. With illustrations and exercises, it teaches how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems.
Dr Thomas A. Whiteman is a licensed psychologist who practices with Life Counseling Services in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Dr Thomas G. Bartlett is also a licensed psychologist who practices with Behavioral Healthcare Consultants in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage and divorce recovery through Fresh Start Seminars.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness
I am not married yet & I’m in a relationship. I have done something wrong, which caused misunderstandings between us. Now he is not replying my texts nor answering my calls. After one and a half days of ignoring me, he texted me asking me not to disturb him first. I have already sent many texts apologizing and promising not to repeat the same mistake again. After he asked me not to disturb him, I have stopped texting & calling him. What should I do now?
Jasmine, You need to honor what he asked you to do, as difficult as that may be. If you go ahead and text him when he has asked you not to, he will feel violated and will feel like you won’t honor the boundaries he has asked you to. You will heap another problem on top of the problem you already have going for you. That will undermine any type of relationship you could have in the future. I know this is difficult because you want to make everything right again, but you will do more damage by contacting him than by not contacting him. You want him to miss you, not regret knowing you. I know that one and a half days seems like forever when you are feeling anxious, but it’s a drop in the bucket in reality.
As the scriptures tell us… you need to do: “do not be anxious for anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Pray for the situation and for him, and for you, honor him, and see where it leads. You have already apologized, so let it lay there. He knows you are sorry. Let that set with him for a while. At this point, you need to see if he will forgive you on his own, in his own timing –not yours. If he won’t, then there would be even more problems in the future.
Dear Cindy,
Thank you for your reply. You don’t know how much your reply means to me. I was doing a Google search on whether men take a longer time to forgive than women when I came across your website. I was feeling so down that I just tried submitting my comment. I was so touched when I saw your reply.
Actually I know what I should do, that is to give him time and space to get over the hurt. I just find it so tough. You were right. I am anxious to make everything right again. I want us to be as loving as we’ve always been. I know he needs more time. While I forgive & forget more easily, he takes quite a while to cool down. I am more soft-hearted.
Well, I told myself if he really loves me, he will forgive me and forget about all the unhappiness that has happened. However, if he finds it difficult to get over the hurt & chooses to leave me, then perhaps he doesn’t love me enough and we are just not meant to be.
Thanks Cindy for your encouragement. I will leave everything at the feet of Jesus and learn to be still while waiting for him to contact me again.
Dear jasmine, I have read your post and I think it’s God’s will that I actually chanced upon your post as I’m having the same problem as you. I didn’t cheat or have an affair. I replied to my ex texts a few times and my boyfriend found out. I had lied that I didn’t message my ex. He is now furious and refuses to forgive me. He says he wishes he didn’t love me. I’ve tried asking if he wants space; he says to leave him alone but he keeps replying my texts and his texts are on the scolding side. So I’m not sure if I should totally stop texting him and leave him to himself. I have apologized a million times and am willing to stop texting. The texts weren’t anything bad but just random topics for 10mins that sort of thing.
I’m like you I tend to forgive more quickly while my bf takes a longer time. How long did it take for you? And should I really just leave him to be?
I married my husband a year and a half a go and listened to some lies that were said about him and began to not trust him. Now there has been a lot of damage done and he will not forgive me. He tells me terrible things and calls me names and it feels like he is trying to punish me for the rest of my life.
He said he would love me again when I start to love him and respect him. I have changed a lot of bad behavior thanks to God. But he continues to bring up the past and treat me as if I am still making the same mistakes and the way he speaks to me and abut me hurts a lot.
This makes it so difficult to look forward and focus on being better. I don’t think I am cut out for this. I have admitted all my wrongs and stopped justifying why I felt insecure. I’m losing patience and I don’t know what elder to do. I just think he’s already given up on us. Please pray for us.
Try The Love Dare
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I was unfaithful to my wife. I know that there is no good reason to cheat, but she is a mean, unappreciative, disrespectful wife(has been since we got married). She loves to shift blame and she doesn’t respect things like being on time, etc. I got sick of it and I lost my head. I am very remorseful and really trying to win her back, but she is acting like she always has. It’s really embarrassing and she’s not really a joy to be around. I do want my marriage. IDK, maybe I’m rambling but this sucks! What can I do?
Try The Love Dare
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My wife wants a divorce. I don’t. I’m devastated. Please pray.
Prayers and try The Love Dare
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Dear Liz. I read your post. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this heartache. I will pray for you. Never lose hope and continue in your faith no matter how hurtful it is. God loves you and remember, you’re not alone. Give your burden to Christ and let Him do the restoring work in your marriage. His will be done. May God be your comfort and give you peace, hold you close in the riches of his love and forgiveness. Love, Debbie
There are other apologies that don’t get the job done, beyond a conditional apology.
The best way to apologize is, after an apology for something significant, is to ask how your action made the other person feel. You can open the door by saying, “That must have really hurt. How did you feel when I did that?”
On the flip side, explaining away something that you did that caused your spouse great pain will only dig you into a deeper hole. This is what many people do, and it is a relationship killer. Take responsibility, especially when you’ve hurt someone.
Too much pain, 27 years of pornography, prostitutes, fornication and more. In the past I fasted, prayed, forgave, believed, and surrendered to the will of God. I read his prayer journal, a very rare occurrence, which he stated I was too fat.
That’s when I discovered more porn, fornication with a young 27 year woman I had fed, clothed, looked after in my own home for 6 years. Both tried to commit suicide, both are humble, repentant, and want to forget the past and move on. My husband said it’s a spiritual battle, demonic. God taught him how powerful the enemy is.
I need to forgive, reconcile, have closure, be a godly woman, submit, obey, be gentle with a meek spirit, and let him lead. I need to walk in the spirit and not in the flesh. I’m stuck and can’t move forward. This set of pain and suffering is added to a list of other serious events, as well. God Bless.
This was a life changing experience for me. God gave me the strength to read this and understand it. Thank you.
I have a similar problem. I lied to my boyfriend very early on in our relationship but he found out about it many months later when we were much further along and talking about spending our lives together so the blow to him was devastating. This was 5 months ago and has been trying to get past it ever since. During this time I have done everything possible to regain his trust, being completely transparent, loving, caring and thoughtful. He says even though he has “forgiven” me he still does not trust me all these months later.
Now he wants to just give up trying. He says he doesn’t think he will ever get past it. I just don’t believe that. We had an amazing love, talked all the time about how lucky we were to have that kind of connection and how happy we were. It’s just hard to believe there is nothing we can do. E has mentioned that past experiences are contributing to him not being able to get past it. How do I convince him that there is hope and we should not stop trying? What can I suggest as new ways to approach it or new ways to work on it? Help. We prayed together, attended church together. We were so crazy in love and truly had an amazing relationship before this happened. Please help me.
What should one do if the fist never opens? I heard like a bird, set them free unconditionally with love.
Miguel, I believe that if you have done all that you can, maybe it is time for you to free them. By no stretch of the imagination am I advocating divorce (if you’re married); however, if this is a friend of yours, giving that person some time can be heaven-sent. You may still love that individual, but free them. When you free them, you can free yourself, too. Don’t allow guilt to eat away at your heart.
May God bless you. Pray and ask for the Holy Spirit to give you guidance.
I’m in really terrible situation. My wife of 9 years has totally detached. I’ve been verbally abusive over the years and she has had it. I’m on medication and am trying to move heaven and earth for her, have clearly acknowledged my faults, begged for forgiveness and am doing all I can in addition to praying.
She’s totally done with me and many of her actions mimick someone who might as well have had an affair. I can’t tell if that’s the case but I cal so can’t live in limbo wondering how long she will stay with me or start to make baby steps to opening back up. She just doesn’t want to hear a thing, no marriage counseling, no talks, no plan, or anything. Let’s give it six months, she says, and we will see.
This is torture, literally purgatory on earth. I still love her, hence the pain. I can only take so much abandonment. Her friends mean more to her she’s said, and we as clearly stated she doesn’t care how I feel. Now what? We have a 5 year old on top of it.
I was in a relationship where marriage was talked about. An incident took place where he felt that I had embarrassed him in front of his colleagues. He introduced me to someone that he used to be involved with. It seemed awkward even though I had agreed to it. I also felt that this individual was rude. It seemed as if she had a problem with me seeing this person. I didn’t display my attitude about it; however, I felt so uneasy about things that I decided to leave the restaurant. He followed me outside where I expressed my displeasure. Granted, I was rude in walking away, and he was very angry about it. He has a temper out of this world, and hasn’t forgiven me.
The incident took place about 5 months ago. Nevertheless, he hasn’t forgiven me. We broke up; and I’ve asked him for forgiveness and have apologized several times. He still contacts me but things aren’t the same. He brings it up quite often. I understand that forgiveness takes time; but I would prefer to let him deal with it in his own way. I’ve acknowledged what I did; however, I will not be held in bondage. I’ve asked God for forgiveness and I feel redeemed.
He has so much unforgiveness in his heart towards others as well. I’ve done my part and I’m not angry with him. I’m willing to give him the time that he needs to deal with our situation. I love him, but I’ve taken it to the Lord in prayer. When you’re dealing with someone, you’re also afforded the opportunity to truly find out some things that you don’t have in you. It also affords you the opportunity to see the heart of the individual, as well.
Dealing with hurt is different for everyone; and I simply pray that he goes to God and talks with Him about the situation. Some people who won’t or don’t forgive have issues with their heart. However, when a person admits to doing wrong and asks for forgiveness, it is then up to the offended person to eventually accept it or not. Do the right thing before God first and try to make things right with the offended individual. I have done that and believes that if a person apologizes too much, it loses its strength. Pray for them and allow God to move on your behalf.
Dear Cindy, I am not married to my significant other either but we’ve been together for 7 yrs and I love him with everything that I am. But I did something that he said was betrayal to him. He said something about a co-worker of mine, someone I considered a good friend of mine but he felt she had a problem with him and her friendship wasn’t true. So I went to her and told her how he felt minus the friendship part. So I went back and told him what she said and he became so angry with me and said I threw him under the bus, that I had betrayed him!
Now he says he can’t trust me to not do it again and he can’t forgive me and won’t ever forgive me! I kinda believe him because he doesn’t have a Christian heart so he’s good at holding grudges for a long time! My heart is so broken because I gave up everything to be with him and love him unconditionally no matter what he says or does, the way Jesus taught me to love!
I’ve done all I can do, I’ve begged and cried to, no avail. I prayed and asked God to soften his heart and his spirit, to take away the anger and replace it with His love. I gave the problem to Him and asked Him to put our love back the way it’s supposed to be! So I’ll just wait and be silent and let God handle it! ?
We’ve been married for ten years. Not long after we were married, we had a huge argument and my husband said maybe we weren’t meant to be together. I was very upset and did something that resulted in me hurting myself badly. I have scars in my heart from that episode and scars on my body. I’m in physical discomfort daily and am continually reminded of my temper and anger. I asked my husband to forgive me at the time of the accident and several times since. But, at least once a month, he will “remind” me that I was the crazy one who hurt myself. I know that forgiving is not forgetting. I cannot forget, and if my husband cannot forgive me, how can I forgive myself?
Me and my wife have been married for 10 years now and this story is happening up to today but when this all started we where in our teens. I’m in such distress. In the beginning I had a child with another woman. I hardly got to see my son because of his mother. When me and my wife were first dating I took it upon myself to go and see my son without telling at the time my girlfriend (wife) for I didn’t feel it was anyone’s business if I went and saw my son for a few hours. Now she will not forgive me for that. I told her I understood.
Later on in our life I let a friend use the internet to look up people who my girlfriend didn’t like but were my friends. She said I betrayed her. She hasn’t forgiven me. Later we got married and I was so happy thinking we had put the past behind us. We engaged in a three way with a girl that I did not start but yes I took part of also. She said I should have said no. I thought it’s something she wanted to try. She says it’s the image of me and another girl being together that she is most angered by and she won’t forgive me.
With me working long hours during the day and her wanting to work nights I told her how not seeing her but for a few hours as in only to get a shower and go to sleep I was lonely without her. I tried to ask if she could take the day shift. She said she likes the money on night shifts. I ended up texting her cousin inappropriately looking for attention and because I was bored being alone. I admitted my failure to be honorable to her as I should never have done this, but she hasn’t forgiven me and I understand.
I was asked to go to a strip club with friends while she was pregnant. She brushed my hair for me me, picked out something nice for me to wear and told me to have fun. She never forgave me.
4 years later we had trouble communicating so we thought we should talk things out so we knew how each other felt. We did and it made things worse, so much worse. Now she says since the beginning she has never forgiven me for any of this. So I ask is all of this my fault? For 4 years now I have assured her of my honesty and I only ask that if this was true why not tell me how she felt? I would never had done those things if she would have said it made her feel bad and didn’t approve. I know I have done wrong but to now make me suffer for all this?
She says she does not know how to forgive me for all I have done. So I ask what can I do? I feel horrible when she now pushes me away but then we had the most intimate moments just last night and she was so loading on me telling me how she missed the connection we were feeling. And then today she’s cold again. Should I feel so horrible and confused? I have asked for her to forgive me but yet she hasn’t. …Thank you for reading my story.
Richard, you know the answer to this. No one really has to tell you. But I’ll put them into words and add a few things and hopefully, this will help a bit. Of course you know it’s not all your fault, or her fault. You’re both sending unspoken (and hurtfully spoken) messages to each other. She needs to be more real with what she wants –telling you so and not assuming you should “just know,” which is something too many women are guilty of (I’ve been there and done that with my husband in the past too… so I know how messed up that kind of behavior is).
And you need to quit walking the line of doing things you shouldn’t, whether you’re “bored of being along” or what. You know better… you just want her approval, and then when it comes back to bite you, you cry fowl. Man up and quit looking to your wife for permission to do that, which you shouldn’t do. You made a vow to your wife to be faithful and to love her… so quit whining about being “bored” and find ways to connect with your wife. It may be more of a challenge at this point in your marriage, but that’s all part of the marriage package. (We have a lot of things on this web site that can help you if you make the effort to look and apply that, which will work for your marriage.) No strip joints, no threesomes, no “inappropriate texting” ANYONE –bored or not, no secrets that she should know about… even if she is unforgiving. You promised to honor her in your vows… now live it. Man up!
If she were to ask me, I’d tell her to quit saying one thing when you have different feelings in the matter about it. Be truthful… live a life of Truth; quit the game-playing. Marriage is for grown ups, not for kids. Leave that to the 5 year olds. And this not forgiving thing… how’s that working for her? Is it helping matters or is it making things worse? And if SHE messes up does she want you to withhold forgiveness? We ALL need forgiveness and grace, and we should all give it. Go to a counselor (a marriage friendly one –because not all counselors are marriage-friendly… some can kill marriages –others can help them). She needs to get her life straightened out where she brings out the bitterness –with a good counselor to guide her (working on one point at a time)… working through the whole matter and then releasing it (one point at a time). Dragging around old baggage of the past only tires everyone out and eventually overburdens the relationship where it’s in danger of being killed by it. No one… including her, and especially her, needs to keep entertaining this stuff of the past. Bring it out, deal with it, and then let it go. Let the past live in the past and then work to NOT get into these types of situations again, which will breed bitterness.
You’re both playing with fire in your marriage. You’re walking the edge (and sometimes, you’ve dived over the edge) of what you should be doing, which will hurt your marriage relationships. Threesomes NEVER work out… tempting as they may be to some people… they bring contamination into the relationship with mental pictures that will haunt, etc… I’m not just saying this because I’m a Christian; I’m saying this because I’ve seen the damage this kind of behavior does. You BOTH need to get your act together and start doing things that will make positive deposits into your relationship, rather than negative ones.
And if you won’t BOTH do it, then at least one of you should do what you should do… perhaps it will inspire the other to start participating in building the marriage up, rather than tearing it down. That’s what my husband and I started doing (when we came dangerously close to divorcing), and it’s amazing where our relationship is now… amazingly good! But of course, a big part of that is because we both eventually committed our lives to Christ and HE has been showing us how to better show love to each other. What a wild (and good) ride it has been since… tough at times, but a healing type of tough, and GREAT other times. I pray that for you both.
I have been away from my wife and two children, for almost two and half years. It was a court order that I was restricted from being around them. She claimed that I’ve abused them, but in my case, I thought I was the one being abused. I work two jobs to support the family. My wife thinks that I don’t have the love for the family and I’m only minding my own business. I got into an argument with my older daughter, and the next thing, I was told to move out and stay away. The court order had expired or was lifted in May of this year and I continued to be away fearing that I’ll end up in the say situation, and until today I have not gone to them.
I have met with one of the church pastors. This Pastor is a Youth Pastor for both of my kinds. We all used to go to this church until I had to move out of the house we all used to live in. I’m still paying the mortgage and the children support and their health insurance. I was a little uneasy without my wife’s support to work, particularly when the economy is sluggish and the kids demands are growing by the day.
I and my wife met with the Pastor for the first time under his supervision. My wife is still mad and closed about me. She told the Pastor that she doesn’t trust me. I tried to say that I’ve been taking the training from a Christian family therapist and had learned all the technique from him. I said to her and the Pastor, that I know now what was wrong with me, but she is not buying it about my training. I didn’t argue, but I let her vent and gave her all the opportunities to do the talking.
Even today, I’m praying, and being patient and waiting. I have a court hearing this Tuesday and I’ve asked the court to see my kids. I’ve also asked the Pastor if I can see them under his supervision. So far, nothing had worked. I have only the Lord that can change my situation. What help can you give besides asking the Lord to interfere in my family’s life? I want to go back and I’m afraid because of the repercussion.
Solomon, unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do right now to get your wife and kids back. That doesn’t mean that it’s impossible –just that it will take God’s miracle working effort (thus, prayer helps), and your effort to turn your life around. You need to learn to handle conflict in healthy ways (everyone does), whether or not your wife ever trusts you again. Going to your pastor, arranging visits with him or another pastor on staff could eventually help. And possibly having the Christian family therapist, you referred to, talk on your behalf (if he believes you have learned the things that will best help you to work through your issues with your wife and family in healthy ways… I’m not sure if he will want to do more work with you, or not). But it sounds like you are making good steps. I hope you won’t give up… it’s worth the persevering effort. I pray strength, wisdom, discernment, and God’s favor for you as you genuinely lean upon Him for guidance in this matter. Keep praying, believing, and making positive steps… you’re on the right track.