What do you do if you’re the one who has done wrong? You have acknowledged your error, but the other person won’t forgive you. Or they say they forgive you, but act like they’re still trying to even the score? Do you have to keep asking for forgiveness? Do you need to beg? What if the other person won’t forgive you?
These are tough questions. Most marriages deal with this problem at some point. It’s relatively easy to restore a relationship when both partners are willing —one willing to seek forgiveness and the other willing to forgive. But when the wronged partner is unforgiving, what can the guilty partner do?
Closed Spirit
First, remember the closed hand. The unforgiving partner has probably closed his or her spirit to you, and you need to find ways of reopening it. This can’t done that by yelling, warning, shaming, or threatening. “You call yourself a Christian? You have to forgive me or I’ll tell everyone at church what you’re really like!”
Will that help to open anyone’s spirit? Of course not. The fist will just tighten further.
You do not want to go on the offensive in this situation. Remember your position. You have done wrong, and you have caused pain. You are now asking a favor. Even if you are both Christians, forgiveness cannot be demanded. Your partner does not owe it to you. You are asking your partner to take a chance on you, a chance to be hurt again. Your partner has every right to have a closed spirit. Now, is there any way to coax it open?
Apology is First
The first attempt is the apology, which you have already offered. Was it sincere? Did you recognize the full extent of your misdeeds? Was it unconditional?
Let’s go to the example of Wilma. Let’s say her apology went something like this: “I’m sorry I threw away your stuff, but you really needed to get rid of it anyway.”
That’s what we call a conditional apology. These usually contain a yeah-but clause in them. If there was any excuse or but in your apology, then go back and apologize more sincerely.
Or you may have used blame shifting in your apology. Kids are especially good at this technique: “I know you told me not to go in the water, but Joey pushed me.” (That’s one I used as a kid.) Even adults use this technique at times: “I know I said I’d be home by 6:00, but my boss wanted me to..”
Take Full Responsibility
While Joey or the boss may have affected your behavior, you still need to take full responsibility for the wrong you committed. “My boss asked me to stay and finish payroll, but I know you told me that you had a doctor’s appointment at 6:00, so I should have called or gotten someone else to fill in for me. I was wrong to come home late today. I know that it really messed up your day, and you have good reason for being angry with me. It is my hope that you will be able to forgive me.” Conditions, excuses, and blame shifting are manipulative. They erode trust rather than restore it.
But what if this has all happened before? You are late for the umpteenth time. If it’s not your boss, it’s the train or the traffic or the terrorist incident that happened on your way home. You have become adept at apologizing with so much practice.
Change in Attitude and Behavior
Do you wonder why you’re not being forgiven? Apologies can lose their effect, after about the tenth or twentieth time. Your partner may be withholding forgiveness because he or she does not trust what you’re saying. That’s why our apologies need to be followed by an attitude or behavioral change. In religious terms, you might call this repentance. You stop the offensive behavior, confess it, and then turn the other way.
This step —repentance —may require some time to demonstrate that you really have changed, such as when Art had to prove to Sylvia that he really could be trusted again. Will your partner’s spirit reopen to you? Maybe. Your only remaining tools are prayer, patience and persistence.
Prayer
Pray that God will open your partner’s spirit, and that He will give you the strength and wisdom to know how to respond.
Patience
When you’re trying to mend fences and your partner is stonewalling, the natural, human reaction is to get mad and resentful. You need patience to continue being nice when you’re getting little or no reinforcement.
Persistence
Don’t continue to apologize, as long as you have done so sincerely. But you do need to persist in your attempts to demonstrate love, concern, and the desire to improve the relationship. This can be done by reassuring hugs, persistent nonsexual touch, and affirming words of encouragement—even if your partner is not as receptive as you’d like.
What if Sylvia didn’t accept Art’s apology after he had been unfaithful to her but felt sorrowful afterwards? And what if she was cold and closed to him for several months? What could Art do to help her forgive him?
Pray First
First, he could pray that God would open her spirit. If Sylvia was willing, they could even pray together.
Then Art would need to show patience, treating her gently and lovingly. He would need to make behavioral changes in order to rebuild trust. But he would also need to make spirit-opening gestures as well. He wouldn’t want to do this in a manipulative way: “Oh, I’ll buy her some flowers and gifts and she’ll get over it eventually.”
Instead he might discuss how he knows that he’s hurt her deeply but that he’s committed to rebuilding the relationship. He might even ask her to give him hand signals from day to day, showing how open or closed her spirit is toward him-a closed fist, a partially open fist, and then a hand which is steadily opening.
Do What Won the Heart at Beginning of Relationship
In a solution-based model, we would ask, “How did Art win Sylvia’s trust during the very beginning of their relationship?” While they were dating, Art paid close attention to her needs, listened to her ideas and concerns, and sent her little cards and notes. They went on special dates, held hands, and exchanged reassuring hugs and kisses. Now Art needs to do all those things that he did to win her over in the beginning.
This article is edited from the book, The Marriage Mender, by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. This book gives solution-based tools to begin rebuilding your marriage. With illustrations and exercises, it teaches how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems.
Dr Thomas A. Whiteman is a licensed psychologist who practices with Life Counseling Services in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Dr Thomas G. Bartlett is also a licensed psychologist who practices with Behavioral Healthcare Consultants in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage and divorce recovery through Fresh Start Seminars.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness
Hi I have not been the best husband over the last 3.5 years I have not been by her side at all. I always chose my family over her. We had to move back to her mums when we couldn’t afford the rent increase. Our twins won’t stop crying they’re constantly in our bed. Everything was going fine to my knowledge until she woke up one day and said she can’t do this anymore. I moved back to my parents to try and give her some space but this hasn’t seemed to work. She tells me that one minuite she misses me and the next she hates me and that she doesn’t know if she can forgive me as so much has happened between her and my family. She tells me she is so angry and bitter towards me. All I want to do is prove I can be the loving husband and best friends that we once were but she is so stubborn. I can’t see a path to get through this; she is my best friend.
I’ve been married for 17 years. Seven years ago I lost my job. It was my fault. I asked her to forgive me; she says that she has not. I know what kind of financial burden this has put on her and I am sorry. We have two kids and I don’t believe in divorce. Since I’ve lost my job I’ve had many other jobs; none of them has paid as much as my old job. I’m trying and I love her, I love my family. But my heart is hurt as is hers.
Thanks for your advice. I tried all the ways you said but nothing changed.
Very good article about when someone can’t seem to forgive you . It still troubles me because he had done many things to me before I gave in and sinned against him and I know I should not have given in to sin but now my life is so different I turned completely away from sin and literally started a new life. He moved 500 miles away to be with me but will not forgive me for my past and continues to bring up some parts of my past. I literally have showed so much love for him and feel like no matter what I do it is not enough.
I made a big mistake of going online on dating sites and personals and my wife found out. I have apologized and acknowledged what I did but she says she won’t forgive unless I give her all the specifics and details …who …what how …what was said etc. I did go online …what should I do? A lot of that I cannot produce. Advice please? I don’t know what to do. I love this woman and want our relationship to be mended.
Rob, this will be very, very difficult because her trust in you and her innocence is now broken. She will never be as trusting again. I’m reminded of something one marriage expert (Diane Sollee) said, “What we really need is a time machine so that people entering into an affair could flash forward and see themselves, their kids, and their lives at the other end of their lust.” Sadly, you’re starting to see the harm afterwards. But as bad as this is, there are a lot of things you can do, which could help to build trust back into your relationship. I hope and pray you will.
First, whether or not you ever took these actions to a physical place… this is still infidelity to your wife. You might think, “well, I SHOULD have because I’m being punished as if I were.” But thank God if you didn’t. Trust me… you don’t need those in your memory bank and your wife doesn’t need it either. As difficult as this is (I know you can’t imagine that, and neither could she), it would be even worse. This will be a tough, long journey to help repair that, which was shattered. But it is SO worth it. So whether you did or didn’t take this to physical places, don’t minimize the impact this is having on your wife’s heart. It’s as if you stabbed her –the one person she trusted with her all. You don’t recover from this without it being a very painful journey. But it CAN happen. We’ve seen this over and over and over again that couples CAN grow a great marriage again. Please know that.
With that said, here is an article, which has other articles linked to it to read: https://marriagemissions.com/rebuilding-your-marriage-after-you-had-the-affair/. And then go into the “Surviving Infidelity” as well as the “Emotional and Physical Affair” topic and read and view all you can. You need to glean through it… try to understand it from your wife’s perspective and then do what it takes to help bring healing. Even if your marriage doesn’t survive this, please do what you can to help her to heal. Don’t run away, but instead, please take the time to do this. Make it your mission to work on this issue for your wife’s sake, for the sake of your future integrity, and as a testimony to help others who are tempted to fall into this type of temptation. You can be better than what you did. This doesn’t have to take you and your marriage down. Please invest your energies into your marriage instead of places you shouldn’t. You and your wife are in our prayers.
I’m in this position right now. I put work before my family and I thought I was doing right by working so much to make sure all my family’s needs were being met, but I was wrong. They needed me home, my time, and I needed to trust in God more than my own will power. In the process I lost my family and here 6 months later I am trying to get them back. I make the effort to make time for them and all I get is resentment and hated and reminded of every wrong she felt I made.
I ask for only love and forgiveness and I only get talked down to and reminders of my mistakes. I’m lost. I don’t know what is to do. I’m in tears typing this because I love and miss them and yet the resentment and hatred is destroying me to the point of shutting down my business and friendships.
What if I have tried all the forgiveness techniques mentioned and my partner is still non-responsive? What next? It is now depressing me.
Jo, you can’t put a time frame on this, nor conditions. Whatever it is that offended your “partner” obviously still weighs heavily upon him or her. All I can say is continue the journey… do what you can to show your love, work on your own issues, and live your life with integrity. Hopefully, prayerfully, he/she will see your genuine heart and changed lifestyle and will begin the journey to forgive and trust you again. That is all you can do. Don’t compromise the values you know you should be living by… be genuine and go forward by living life as an honorable person. That should be your mission in life, whether or not your partner will do what it takes to forgive you or not.
I am the hurt one. The simple fact that any of you who are here were the person who caused hurt and are looking for ways to solve or help is amazing and wonderful. So even if your person doesn’t appreciate your effort YET, I do. My h can’t be bothered. It wouldn’t occur to him to look up anything on his own behavior or how to fix this in a million years. Best of luck to you all.
I confessed my affairs to him and he cannot accept it. Every day he torments me with questions on how we met and what we did. I have apologized so many times and I get scared each time he torments me because it’s gone to the extent he would belittle me, call me names and make me do things that are unbecoming of him. He went as far as trying it out himself with another lady. I pray about it every day and ask God to help him and myself but its seems to get harder and harder. He is good at one moment and the very next moment he is really terrifying. I patiently go through these moments and do whatever he says but each time my fear keeps building up more and more. Please advise me on what I can do to help him out -please.
Hi. I was dating a guy for 2 years after that we broke up but still had sex but weren’t together. He cheated on me for 2 years. I was so hurt I had sex with his step brother. He won’t forgive me or forget and I love him so much I wish he would realize it but he won’t. I said sorry plenty of times but he doesn’t care. He always fights and argues with me about what I did with his brother; he keeps saying he doesn’t want to be with someone that messed with his step brother. Someone please help me know what do I do to win him back and make him realize I’m sorry and to forgive and forget.
My wife of 7 years won’t forgive me for calling her terrible things and accusing her of cheating. I found texts to another man that were sent when I was in bed with our twin boys and she in bed with our daughter. We have 3 children and she has 2 from prior boyfriend. I brought them up.
If what you say is true about the messages… then you have a spouse that suffers from knowing how to take responsibility for her actions then. However, if this is bothering you so much that you need to bring it up, then your APPROACH to how you bring it up could be the problem, and/or the solution, on how she responds. If you attack, and say something like “I found these messages, who do you think you are texting other men?”, the spouse will natural put up the defenses. However, if you want to to bring it up in a softer manner, something like “I’m aware of the texts on your phone, and I’m not sure what I’ve done to cause you so much suffering that you’d reach out to other men for care and affection, but I want you to know that you can always talk to me about anything and I’ll accept your heartfelt words with open arms, and if I’m not providing you with something you need, just tell me and I’ll work on it… (and more)”
THEN, she might not only be willing to accept responsibility for what she’s done, and ask for forgiveness, but also find out the underlying cause of why she did it, and work to better herself in that respect, and better your marriage in the process… see? :)
I am 19 and my boyfriend are 21. We aren’t married but I could still use advice related to this. I told him I could help him out with a project for a class. I thought my part would be completed in time to spend time with my mother and sister. When my part was pushed back, I decided to leave and spend the time with my family. It turns out, though, that my boyfriend had been “hyping” it up to his classmates and had requested for more time because of me. I didn’t realize how important this was for him, and I feel horrible already. He asked for a day to cool down and think about it so he wouldn’t say something he would regret. The next day, he said that we were okay and that he still loved me, and that we could move on past it, but he said he could never forgive me. Can our relationship really move on and prosper without his forgiveness?
He was raised in a faith he does not affiliate with anymore. I was raised in a faith I’m still close to. I grew up with the thought that forgiveness is essential to any relationship or friendship. I don’t see how he can trust me if he doesn’t forgive me. I have prayed to God asking for the strength and power for me to understand why and how to deal with this. I have asked him to help my boyfriend find forgiveness for what I did. In retrospect, what I did wasn’t to the level of cheating, but he is almost treating it as if I betrayed him in that way. I don’t know how to move forward without his forgiveness.
Dear Ellie, This may be a very telling time in your relationship –a fork in the road BEFORE your relationship progresses any further. If you read through the quotes and other articles in the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” topic, you will see that getting to the place of forgiving someone is often a journey one has to take –sometimes a long journey. Someone may have a difficult time giving up their right to punish the other person when they hurt them, but eventually as God speaks to their hearts they can come to the place where that is possible. Some people find it more difficult to forgive and some situations make it more difficult to people to forgive. But ultimately, it’s important to eventually get to that place because holding onto unforgiveness discolors all future interactions. And how is love to grow if the seeds to it are discolored and distorted?
You say that he is not embracing the faith “he was raised in” where you are “still close to it.” The fact that he is not embracing the forgiveness offered him through Jesus Christ, makes it more difficult for him to give it out, as well. It’s difficult to give out something you do not have yourself. So that is why I’m saying this is a fork in the road for you. Pray for him to embrace forgiveness from God, and then be able to give forgiveness to you. If he can’t come to this place, then it shows what you would be facing in the future. I can tell you without any doubt that where one places their faith will determine how close they can become to each other in the future –especially if your relationship ever leads to you both thinking about marrying. Marriage will test your faith in ways that you cannot comprehend. And if he can’t forgive you for something that is not a real “biggie” at this point, how much love and grace will he be able to extend to you when the bigger stuff happens, which I can guarantee it will? What is happening to you right now is a starting of a proving ground for future growth in your relationship. You REALLY don’t want to permanently bond yourself together with someone who isn’t forgiving –giving grace through the tough times and the toughest of times. Marriage demands lots and lots of grace to be given.
Ellie, pray for this guy and pray for yourself that God will reveal to you if you really SHOULD “move forward” with your relationship. Withholding forgiveness is a real biggie –no doubt. Also, I recommend that you start visiting a web site that I HIGHLY recommend to those who are single. It can be found at http://boundless.org. Their ministry describes themselves as “a community for Christian young adults who want to grow up, own their faith, date with purpose, and prepare for marriage and family.” They cover GREAT topics. We highly respect their honesty and how they cover some of the toughest of subjects. You may even be able to pose questions to them, such as you proposed here, under appropriate blogs, where you may get an answer from the standpoint of being single and wondering what to do in certain circumstances.
I pray for you Ellie, and I pray for your boyfriend, that BOTH of you will know if you should “move forward” and that both of you will embrace forgiveness as God would have you. I love your heart and pray the Lord works within you to continue to experience His love in amazing ways. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
I only wish it was only months for me. When was first married I was not faithful to my wife. Being 19 and in the military did not help at all. That being said I’ve been faithful for over 30 years and have worked hard, been a good father, been a decent financial supporter of my family. I’ve never made the demand that my wife work so she stayed at home raising our children. I’ve prayed and prayed she would forgive me to no avail.
I was not a Christian when I was unfaithful. My wife says she is a Christian but evidence says otherwise, especially when she questions me as to how can I forgive others that have wronged me so terribly. I come from an abusive childhood, raised by a mother who was very mentally ill. I cannot even fathom divorce, my heart is completely shattered. Except for my children I wish I had never been born and I will be glad when I go to the next life where all my sins have been forgiven and I can finally be at peace.
I’ve always loved my wife and even more now to the point where I would give my life for her. But I guess I have to live with what I did in the past and realize that in this life sometimes there is no forgiveness from others no matter how hard you try or how much you love. Please pray for me. I know suicide is wrong and it would devastate my family and I could never do that to them. I do not want to cause them anymore pain than I have. Again other believers please pray for me and my family. I love them more than life itself.
Kevin, I am praying for you my friend. Don’t give up. Don’t lose hope! Jesus was crucified and resurrected for your pain.
Hi Kevin. My name is Luis and I have a very similar situation. I’ve been married for 22 years, and for the last 5 years I’ve been separated from my and wife and daughters. This has definitely been the hardest time in my life. I was not a Christian when I cheated on my wife and I was also a liar. By the grace and mercy of my God, He saved me and now I can see what a sinner I really am and who I really was without Christ. I know now that I can be Holy through my Lord and Savior, and I know that I can only be righteous through Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior.
My wife won’t forgive me either but by God’s grace He showed me how to build a closer relationship with Him. Through this time I have learned to see all the blessings He has given me, even when I never asked for them. He has also blessed me with greater things when I’ve asked for little things. My God is so good, and I would like to encourage you as a brother in Christ to reflect the smallest of blessings so He can reveal all of His goodness. Our God is a good God, stay faithful and true and He will carry you, that’s His promise to all who believe in His Holy name.
I feel your pain. I have never cheated on my wife but we both did sinful things to get to a horrible place. She refuses to forgive for the last 14 months, ignores me, goes out every night. For 12 months I felt tremendous pain. The worst. But Have drawn nearer and nearer to the Lord everyday. Started reading his word daily, til I had no choice but to repent of even the hidden things. We are indeed married to Christ spiritually. He does fufill us, gets us through, gives peace in the storm. I too felt like, why live. Now I actually look forward to the next life with Christ. But, this earth is the only hell a believer will Have. You may find yourself being completely transformed through this. Painful, yes. But the pain and coping gets easier, as you start to rely on Christ more and more, and on your wife, less and less.
God you and God bless your ministry.
It was 4 years ago, 3 years into dating when I brought up the issue of taking the relationship to the next level. She was hesitant, pulled back a bit and decided on treading a different path. She wasn’t clear enough so I stayed on, and attempted to build the relationship more into a permanent one, hoping she’d identify the value and love and change her mind. Things got worse and I couldn’t take the disregard and hurt from her actions any longer, I broke down in spirit and gave up on love all together.
In my vulnerable state, I met someone else and began doing things for all the wrong reasons, and convinced myself I was no candidate for the marriage institution. Things quickly became physical and not long, she got pregnant with a handsome baby boy. A few months after the delivery, her parents and family decided they had other plans for her, to which she agreed, none of which would allow me be a permanent figure in her life other than fathering my son and being a responsible daddy.
We parted peacefully and I have a great relationship with her and my son. This whole time, my first love kept checking on me and I made no meaning of it since I was convinced she wasn’t ready to go the long haul. I retracted into my shell and put all my energy into helping out raise my son and building my career. After a while of just doing me, my first love came back into my life, this time with apology about how she treated me unfairly and how she really loves me. It took me a while, but I believed her and gave her a chance, explaining my current family situation and also my intent to be very responsible and give my son the best, also assuring her it won’t take away from the love I was willing to give her.
Things went pretty smoothly and I introduced her to my pastor. We went for pre-marital counseling and eventually got married. I was happy and made some changes and committed to being the best husband I could possibly be, by the help of God. I started noticing the very strange dynamics of our arguments and her utterances. Something was always off and intimacy was greatly reduced, and I am talking about less than 5 months into marriage. I suspected she might be holding on to something from the past so I practiced a lot of patience and wisdom in dealing with our differences until one night, I couldn’t take it anymore so I threatened to take the issue to her parents and our pastor and tell them all about how unfairly she’s treated our marriage and how much she judged me.
I reminded her of what happened in the past and how she gave up on our love and I wasn’t strong enough at the time and I let it get to me. Thank God for strength, I am a much better man today. It was at that point that she burst out in tears and knelt down apologizing for how unfair she’d been to me and how much anger she’d been harboring against me. She said she always wanted a perfect picture and each time she remembers the fact that I had a son, especially during an argument, all she thinks of doing is to say things to spite me and hurt me and disregard the issue even if it was clear she was wrong.
I listened on as she said she was willing to let go and give herself a chance at loving me and not judging me. I prayed with her that night and we went to sleep. I love her so much and would love to honor God and make this relationship work but I don’t know how to turn the situation around to be the loving and caring man I’d always been. I do NOT have room for divorce either as I am a strong believer in God. PLEASE ADVISE!!!
Hello Starr, I am a husband married 36 years with my wife… we have two adult children and three grandchildren. I had to read your account several times to really appreciate the course of events… it seems you have been very open with your first love who understands that, because she was unwilling to commit to you, you two parted ways, and you met someone else, and had your son by your second relationship. Your second love then, with her family, had plans which did not include you, other than being the father of your little boy.
At this point, your first love came back, and you told her everything about your second relationship and your son. It seems that you have handled a difficult situation as well as you could. Your wife (first love) always wanted a perfect picture, but she has not gotten over the fact that you have a son now, by your second love whom you met after your first love (with whom you are now married) would not commit at that time. I hope I have uderstood this correctly.
Your wife needs to understand that you appreciate and empathize with the hurt she is carrying, because you have a son by another woman, even though she (your wife) would not commit to you earlier, before you knew your son’s mother. This seems very unreasonable, but it is what it is. Thinking about it, perhaps it is very likely that your first love (your wife) is very scared of commitment, but loved you very much nonetheless… and still oves you now. All you can do is love your wife, understand her, spend time with her, listen to her, pray to God ALOT, seek support from other Christian friends, and perhaps go to Christian counselling if your wife agrees…
These websites may certainly be of help>
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages
http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=whats-your-love-langugae
https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-wife-her-way/comment-page-4/#comment-347263
In the meantime, your wife needs to understand that no picture is ever perfect, and that you have a son who needs his father. I hope these comments help… you are among freinds here at this site… WP (Work in Progress)