After all of the planning for the wedding is behind you, after the wedding actually occurs, after the relatives and guests go home to their normal lives again, after the honeymoon is behind you —the marriage begins. And that can be a real-eye opener. That’s when you start to face what everyday life together will truly involve. And sometimes, a slump occurs.
After the Honeymoon
“They say that marriage doesn’t really start until you return from your honeymoon. And they’re right. For this is the first time you’re actually together as man and wife without the glitter, without the hype. You’re together without the distractions of ceremony or vacation, and with all the decisions of starting out still to be made.
“For most newly married couples, it also means setting up a new home, which is supposed to be fun. It is supposed to be exhilarating, But it often turns out to be exasperating. You didn’t just gain a husband or wife. You gained his or her old sofa bed and chairs, the old posters (from college!), the old T-shirts, and boxes of things you may well be fighting about 3 weeks or months after the day after your wedding day. The point is, you most likely won’t be haggling about things. You’ll be fighting about what those things mean or meant, to you or your spouse.” (Curtis Pesmen, Your First Year of Marriage)
Many marriage “experts” are discovering that some newly married spouses go through a period of time where they are depressed after the wedding is over. It can involve a combination where they are decompressing after the wedding. They went through an emotionally intense planning stage, to the actual event. And then they enter into a time when their expectations are challenged with the reality of being married.
To read more about this, please click onto the following Crosswalk.com web site link to read:
• HOW TO AVOID THE POST HONEYMOON SLUMP
Then there is the issue of “cultivating a healthy sex life” together after the honeymoon (whether you had sex before marriage, or not). We seem to think that this will be the “easy” part of adjusting to each other in marriage. It’s all a “green light” as far as we’re concerned. But it isn’t. Just as with every aspect of life together, we need to be intentional in doing what we can so we keep growing our love for each other. This is true both emotionally and physically.
After the honeymoon period is over, there comes a time when we have to readjust to the person we really DID marry. This is opposed to the person we thought we married.
“How is it that when we fall in love, the object of our hearts can do no wrong? We overlook their weaknesses or, at times, don’t see them at all. Love is blind. And oh how blissful the blind state can be! Then, some time down the road, the one we fell in love with —the one with all those wonderful character traits —is simply being who he or she is (a deep thinker or one who verbally expresses herself) and they are hammered for being annoying, irritating and difficult to live with.”(Cindi McMenamin)
The Crossroad Experience
You may or may not be “hammering” your spouse at this point in your life together. But there’s a good possibility that sooner or later, you may be tempted. That’s the crossroad that Cindi and Hugh McMenanin faced. It’s one you may be facing as well (or you will face later within your marriage). So, you may find the following Crosswalk.com article helpful to read, to glean advice from those who have “been there and have done that.” Please read:
It’s important to keep in mind that:
“Marriage is more than sharing a life together. It’s building a life together. What you do now is for both. And what is said now is for both. What your purpose is now is for the kingdom and giving glory to the image of God.” (Norm Wright, from the book, One Marriage Under God)
So how do you build a life together that will be pleasing to each other and to God. How do you get out of the post honeymoon slump?
“How does a newlywed couple live out the promise made before God and a community of family and friends? Decision, priority, balance, and forgiveness are the keys. Decision is the operative word. Fidelity requires decision, decision to follow through on a pledge. Decide to act honorably. Decide to put your marriage as number one each day.” (Mary Stubler)
From This Day Forward
To help you to grow your way out of the “post honeymoon slump,” you need to plan for your marriage. You work together, from this day forward, to build a life together that is healthy and strong. But you may need advisers that are wise that can help you to do just that.
Please read the following Crosswalk.com article to learn a few things you may not have considered, but may greatly benefit from knowing:
• SOLID RELATIONSHIPS STRENGTHEN YOUR FIRST 5 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
As you’re building solid relationships, there are some additional “marriage experts” that can help you in other areas of your marriage. Author Dena Dyer writes the following:
“Most of us know that “happily ever after” is the stuff of fairy tales. Still, we secretly want to think that it’s possible. And maybe it is. It’s not in the life-will-be-perfect-and-we’ll-never-have-problems kind of way, but in the hey-life-is-a-gift-and-we’re-going-to-make-the-most-of-it-together kind of way.
“After all, it’s up to us to make the most of the life and marriage we’ve been given. Here you’ll find insights from marriage experts and other couples who offer ideas for how to make the most of every phase of marriage.”
To read these insights, please read the following Lifeway.com article:
These articles won’t be “cure-all’s” for that, which is causing a slump in your post honeymoon stage of life. But they give solid advice to get you off on a good start.
Please know that what you’re feeling right now, isn’t unusual at all. Actually, it’s quite common. It won’t last forever unless you cling to it and don’t believe that you can get beyond it. NOW is the time to start building a relationship with your spouse that is solid, healthy, and yes, fun too. This web site is packed full of articles to help you as you work on this mission, if you pray, look around, read, and apply the wisdom given. I hope you will.
The following are a few additional points to remember that might help as well to keep in mind.
• Any genuine relationship, which offers the “magic” of love also contains the seed of disappointments, flaws, and failures. Few of us are aware of that reality at the beginning of marriage. That’s when our expectations run high. When we meet the person who seems to fill in the lonely spaces in our heart, and the feeling is shared, we say it’s too good to be true. But we believe that it is true, any how! We desperately want to believe we have found the ideal love relationship, which will fulfill all our dreams.
After marriage when the discontent slips in, when we discover that our partner is less than “a perfect fit” as a mate, and that our relationship is less than the perfection we counted on, this may disappoint us and disturb us, but it can also mark the beginning of our true love affair. Wisdom tells us that although life will not be a perpetual honeymoon. Something much better, much richer, can be ours if we’re willing to direct our secret choices toward building love-filled intimacy with the real person we married. (Dr. Ed Wheat, from book, “Secret Choices”)
• The love you now have for your partner will undergo numerous changes. It will evolve into many different forms over a lifetime together. Accepting this fact can help you keep your love alive. It can save your marriage before it starts. But more importantly, accepting love’s changeable nature allows you to relax and enjoy its many manifestations. Over time, you will see how love’s many forms strengthen and deepen your relationship. It will enrich your lives with its exquisite beauty and rare character. (From the book, “Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts” written by Dr’s Les and Leslie Parrott)
Additionally know that:
• We each experience love in different ways. Part of your job in these early years of marriage is to be a student of your spouse. Learn everything you can about him or her, and put into action what you learn. Finding out how you can make your spouse feel loved is essential to experiencing continued closeness. Staying close also requires that you continue to do the things you did during dating and courtship that drew you close together in the first place. If you want to stay in love forever, commit to doing the things that made you fall in love in the first place —and do them forever. (Dr Debbie L. Cherry, “Child-Proofing Your Marriage”)
I hope this helps.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
More from Marriage Missions
Filed under: Newlyweds & Beyond
One response to “The Post Honeymoon Slump”
Hello, I agree we are constantly fighting over little things. How can we find a good balance between my wife who is a corporate manager, which is demanding? Also she is always tired when she comes home from work and the weekends are ours but she needs lots of her time to relax, which is watching a tv show by herself or Facebook… How can I be encouraging and helpful to my wife is finding a good balance?