Pre-Marriage Questions to Initiate Conversation

Questions to initiate - Pixabay road-sign-808733_1920For those of you who are considering marriage, use the following questions to initiate conversations and exploration. Take time to sit down privately to answer the questions. And then sit down with your prospective mate and go on an expedition together. Your talking probably will stimulate more questions. Just share your feelings as much as possible. Have your partner reflect back to you what he (or she) has heard you say.

Finally, discuss ways you can compromise. And then work to come to a better understanding about how you both want these areas in your relationship to be changed or improved. [You should do this immediately after you answer each question with your prospective mate. That way you don’t get sidetracked away from discussing this for your future lives together.]

Be specific and set some goals.

To Initiate Conversations Dealing With Conflict, Ask:

• How did your parents deal with conflict?

• When conflict arose in your family, what happened (silence, withdrawal, explosive anger, open discussion, etc.)?


• How as conflict resolved?

• Did one parent always seem to “win in the end?”


• How was love demonstrated in your family of origin?

• How were you disciplined?


• Was the discipline harsh or suited to the offense?

• Did you live up to your parents’ expectations?

QuestionsTo Ask to Initiate Discussions on Finances:

• How did you learn about money management?

• Who took primary responsibility for money matters in your home?


• What significant patterns do you have today that reflect your family’s view of finances?

• What was your family’s philosophy or motto regarding money (not what was said, but what was lived)?


• Was appropriate physical affection shown in your family?

• Was sex a taboo subject?


• How were nudity and sexual issues handled in your family?

• What was the underlying tone in your home regarding sex and your sexuality?


• Was it safe to talk about feelings?

• Who was the communicator in your family?


• Were you expected to “read minds?”

• Could you express your emotional needs and receive a proper response?

In-Laws/Extended Family:

• What role did your grandparents play in your family?

• Was family loyalty important?


• Were there family secrets that were forbidden subjects for you to discuss?

• Who, besides your parents, could you go to for support and understanding?


• Was having fun as a family “legislated” in your home?

• Did you vacation as a family?


• Was it an enjoyable experience?

• What family activities stand out in your mind?


• Was recreation a leisurely experience or just another arena for competitiveness?

Spiritual Questions to Initiate Conversations:

• How was God’s character portrayed in your family?

• Was tradition more important than having a true relationship with God?


• What one significant message about yourself and about God did you come out of childhood believing?

• Do you feel a true sense of God’s acceptance and love?

These questions come from the book, “WHEN VICTIMS MARRY” written by Don and Jan Frank. It is published by Here’s Life Publishers. Unfortunately this book is no longer in print. However, you can visit their web site to view other materials they do have available by going to

We are thankful for the authors Don and Jan Frank. Most of all, they demonstrate by the testimony of healing in their lives, that you CAN reach out for healing and help. You don’t have to live as victims for the rest of your life. But thankfully and most importantly, God redeems for good despite what the enemy of our faith causes for harm!

— ALSO —

Here is a link to another set of questions you can initiate that can be helpful to ask each other:


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Filed under: Communication Tools Marriage Prep Tools

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2 responses to “Pre-Marriage Questions to Initiate Conversation

  1. (SOUTH AFRICA) Myself and my partner are both Christians. We come from a background where the groom pays a bride-price for her to her family,once that is done the families consider them to be husband and wife. Due to our background, he paid the bride price for me and was welcomed in my family as their son in law. Our dilemma is that we are Christians and our wedding is scheduled for late this year, but at the same time according to our tradition we are husband and wife. Our question is this,when does God say that two are married? What I’m trying to say is that we have been struggling to find a scripture that says our "marriage" is not biblical,and a scripture that says a priest or pastor must marry a couple in order for them to be married in a biblical way. We have read scriptures though that confirm that a bride-price was paid during biblical times and the man would take the woman as his wife, one of them being in Ruth 4:9-12. There are other examples also in the Bible where if a man slept with a virgin he would pay a bride-price and take her as his wife. When Esther became queen, the king found favor in her and put a crown on her head making her his queen (wife). There was no wedding done. Please help us with scriptures that will help us in this dilemma as we want to do God’s will but cannot find any scripture that says we must be married by a priest to have our marriage recognized by God to be a marriage. Confused and in need of guidance. Blessings

  2. (AMERICA)  There are two types of marriage. Civil and religious.
    Civil requires a marriage license and the minister does not act as a agent of God but is literally an agent of the state. Your marriage as the state sees it, is for all intent and purposes a commercial contract creating a corporation.

    A religious ceremony is a 3 cord covenant between a man, a woman, and God, with atleast two witnesses.

    Once, you are declared husband and wife by the proper authorities in your lives, you are married.
    The only restrictions (if any) would be if your parents placed temporary restrictions until a time has passed.

    For example if your parents said; “you are married in all ways except that which would lead to children until the wedding certemony takes place”.

    If no restrictions were placed upon you and your husband, then you and your husband should be guided by the Spirit of God and what He says.

    My wife and I have a marriage ministry you can follow us on facebook or ask questions of us @!/pages/Spiritmate-Ministries/149876417151