“I’m trying everything I can, but my wife just won’t consider reconciling our marriage.”
“I’m doing all I know how to do, but my wife still wants a divorce.”
“My family is split apart, but my wife says ‘no’ to working on reconciling.”
Those are just three of many statements we’ve heard here at Marriage Missions, where the husband is seeking to restore and rebuild their broken marital relationship. Despite their outreach to her, the wife will have no part of it.
They ask us for help and to be perfectly honest, we often aren’t sure how to help them. First off, Steve and I are not Marriage Counselors —we’re Marriage Educators. And many of these types of couples need more help than we can give them. When you’re talking about deep-seeded problems, have been going on a long time before they approach us, it’s seldom something that can be resolved with an obvious solution.
Good Starting Point for Reconciling
But I’ve done some digging into coming up with at least SOME type of “answers” for husbands, hoping they will be a good starting point. When a person feels they are drowning ANYTHING of any substance is better than nothing. This is true, at least, for the immediate moment. And that is what I’m offering here —something of substance to help you in your immediate desperation.
You will need to work through this journey together with God to see how He helps you to unravel this complicated situation. It may or may not end up with the result you desire. However, who knows? It may end up better. I don’t know. But when God is invited in, you can be sure that you will find a place of peace, at some point in time. And it will be the best solution that you can grasp, given the fact that we live in a fallen world. With the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor,” you have more going for you than any other way you could ever go.
That doesn’t mean that God won’t use other human counselors and advisors to help you at some point, but as the familiar term goes, “He’s got your back.”
The Bible says in Proverbs 30:21-23:
“Under three things the earth trembles…” One of those three things is “an unloved woman who is married.” You may be screaming inside that you WANT to show her love and are willing to do what it takes to give it to her. But for some reason her availability to receive your love is slammed shut.
I don’t know if it is your fault, her fault, the fault of “the perfect storm” of emotions all tangled up, sin run amuck, and/or someone else’s fault. But whatever it is, it is. It’s best to work with what is, rather than work in denial of the truth. It’s important to work with what you CAN do, rather than what you wish you could do. Denial will take you to a dead end, as far as getting any positive results in reconciling with her again.
I’m going to present an article for you to read, to pray over and consider. It may or may not be for you. Or there may be parts, which the Holy Spirit may use to speak to and help you. It’s the gleaning process, in action.
Start With Prayer
Please read through it. Then ask the Lord to help you to keep your mind open to what He wants you to know. A good prayer for you to sincerely express to God is:
“Search me O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139:23-24)
Next:
There IS a reason your wife’s spirit is closed off to you. It may be one or many or all of the reasons I pointed out earlier. However, you need to know that it didn’t happen overnight. It may seem to you that it did because of how it all came down. But in reality, it has been closing off to you for a while and it just now came to a final closure —one that opened your eyes to the final door slamming shut.
Closed Spirit
A number of years ago, I heard Dr Gary Smalley talk about the process of how a spouse’s spirit closes. He showed an open hand with all of the fingers splayed wide apart. He likened the heart being in the place of the palm of the hand. It’s the soft part of who they are and very vulnerable when nothing is protecting it.
And then he gave examples of different “events,” which can cause a spouse to close a protective finger over their heart. Because of these events, they felt too vulnerable to being hurt again by the “offending” spouse. Sometimes confession and repentance opens the fingers again. But sometimes, the offended spouse never opens up in the same way ever again.
He then showed that sometimes a spouse has been hurt so much over time. The result was that he or she will completely close off in spirit, from the other spouse. The hand looks like a closed fist. There is no part of that “heart,” which is open and vulnerable to the way you can approach it. And sometimes it never opens again.
In his book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late
He wrote:
Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife’s spirit when you:
• Speak harsh words.
• Tell her that her opinions don’t matter.
• Act unwilling to admit when you are wrong.
• Take her for granted.
• Make jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense.
• Show that you do not trust her.
• Force her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with.
• Act rude to her in front of others.
• Dismiss her needs as unimportant.
Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you’ve done to close her spirit.
We consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives’s spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don’t realize they’ve offended their wives.
And one day the husband comes home to find his wife’s spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like a sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!
If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him.”
Gary goes on to then state the following:
“Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you —who may find yourself with a closed sow bug, instead of an an open wife, feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit.”
I realize THAT’S what you are trying to do. Dr Smalley’s book gives you some ideas, which you may find helpful. They have worked for many husbands. They haven’t worked for others, but you never know until you pray, read, and see if God is leading you that way. For this reason, you may want to obtain the book to consider his advice.
I want to give one more illustration, before I move on from this point. I’m hoping it will help you to see what could have happened with your wife. It was written by someone named Camain, who asked for prayer on the Internet for his wife’s hardened heart.
Referring to his wife, he wrote the following:
“Someone said that she is really hurt, and you’re right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that. But it’s the little things that have added up over the years. Each of those little things was a brick in a wall. Little by little with time being the mortar, that wall has gotten big and hardened.
“At first I tried to bang myself against it, repetitively hitting it. I can’t break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and perseverance. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I’m trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage. No matter how big or small, I’m trying to ask for forgiveness of them, and stop doing them.”
I can’t help but think of “the earth trembling” because of a wife who feels “unloved” so she closes her spirit, walled off from being open to her husband again —at least, not at this point.
True, we don’t know the circumstances. And true, sin is involved somewhere —you can count on it. But nonetheless, her spirit is closed.
A Helpful Article on Reconciling
I came across an article, which I referred to earlier, believing you will benefit from reading it. I’m hoping that at least SOME of what the author, Reb Bradley has written will help. At the end of this article, he offers additional resources. I need you to know that I don’t know much about Reb or his resources. As a result, I can’t really recommend them. That is up to you.
All I can say is that I saw a lot of credibility in what I was able to read and glean. I encourage you to prayerfully consider all God shows you, for your situation. Below is the Familyministries.com link to this article.
Please read:
• RECONCILIATION WITH A HARDENED WIFE
Above all, I hope that your ultimate goal goes beyond reconciling with your wife. If that is the case, your “solutions” will be most likely be temporary, when and if you do. Ultimately, I hope your ultimate goal is to go to GOD and make sure your life is clean. Do not give your wife added “excuses” as to why she could remain closed in her spirit in reconciling with you.
Also, realize that giving forgiveness and reconciling the marriage are two separate steps. Your wife may have much, which she needs to forgive you for, and much that she needs to surrender to the Lord. But that does not mean that she will seek reconciling with you as husband and wife again. If she doesn’t feel safe with you (physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.
Live For God
I can’t account for her actions, and neither can you. This is between her and God. You will need to come to the place where you will live for God, EVEN IF your wife doesn’t join you in marriage again. Are you a man of God who can live like this? Are you a man after God’s own heart?
If you are, and you are sincere, then there is hope for you that you can be reconciled to God AND to your wife. But I don’t know what your wife will do.
I do know though, that God wants to work in and through your life. He wants to do this whether your wife comes back to you or not. It is my sincerest hope you will participate with Him in this mission.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Save My Marriage
My addiction to porn which escalated into adulterous behavior has cost me my marriage. She was the perfect wife, always supported me in everything I did and was a great soldier for God. I have tried everything to win her back but she is at the point of no return. My energy is now focused on God and healing and sending this Demon off.
Hopefully one day she will return back to me and see the real Bobby. Right now I am so crushed and in disbelief that she is gone. I can only imagine what she is going through as a result. Porn is deadly, I repeat DEADLY! Please, if anyone reads this and is battling with this giant, turn to God immediately and rebuke that demon; cast it out into the abyss. It’s too late for me, but God is graceful and merciful. Be blessed!
After 9 years of a he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not relationship, I discovered my boyfriend had been having an affair. He claimed he wasn’t able to talk to me openly but that his new “mate” was his solace. After careful thought I determined that the Lord had worked this to give my boyfriend the ability to grow as a partner, something, which hadn’t happened during our time together and I gave him up to be happy. I was crushed but willing to do what was right. Nonetheless, he decided he wanted to reconcile and I agreed.
After months of counseling and no progress I feel I’ve made a mistake. He says he wants he loves, he needs me, but he does nothing different than before. The counseling has painted a picture of our relationship that I had never seen before and I’m sickened by the treatment I’ve willingly accepted. Everything was and is always about him and counseling has made me see that he doesn’t intend to change. He refuses to come with me to church and does not follow the counselors advice rules suggestions. He seems happy but I now feel resentment for the lies and the years he claimed were painful to him. There is never any consideration for my happiness and now I don’t know what to do. Please pray that God can lead me somewhere that I’m not so angry and selfish.
I hurt my wife and she moved. I’m so sorry I hurt her, Please pray that we will be back as a family again in Christ’s name.
Good day, I have hurt my wife and that’s the reason she is angry and dismayed at me. It was my children who discovered that I was into texting with a girl. It lasted for almost 2 months until it was found out but my family. It created great chaos among the family, confrontation was made and it came to the point that I tried to commit suicide because I cannot take it that my wife will leave me, hearing from my wife that she no longer loves, that she hated me so much.
Chaos continued to exist for almost 8 months now that my wife is hurting me. She wants me to leave but I’m not leaving; I don’t want to leave my family. I keep on praying to the Lord for help. Pray for the Holy Spirit to be with my wife to soften her heart and open up her mind. I really don’t know what to do. I’ve done so much to make up for what had happened, but to no avail. I can feel that my wife doesn’t care for me but sometimes she shows some care.
But to sum up everything, our life now a days isn’t good. We quarrel and argue. I try to explain but she won’t listen. All that gives me strength is God and my children although not all of them. My youngest seemed to be angry at me, he’s the only boy in the family of 4. My life has been trouble for almost 8 months now. But I’m not surrendering my life because I know God is there to make ways that we can again be reconciled.
Please help me in my struggle to win back my wife. I caused the trouble in the family. I was into texting with a girl, a thing I would never do again in my whole life. Now, my life is in great trouble. I have tried to make up for what I did, but it seems that it has no effect on my wife. We still live in the same roof but not really in good terms. Arguments between me and my wife continue from time to time and sometimes she hurt me.
Thanks to God and the Holy Spirit that this time, God answered my prayers to calm down my wife. I thank God for sending the Holy Spirit to be with my wife to ease her anger and hatred against me. I’m helpless; it’s only God that give me strength. I know He won’t leave me. Please pray that we’ll soon reconcile, especially now that the Christmas season is upon us.
My Name is Ben. I’ve been married for 6 years now. And I feel that my wife pushed me to ask her for divorce! She emotionally shut me down for over a month before I told her that we need to do something about this. That is when she said she wanted separation. We have a 5 year old son that I love more than anything, and I really didn’t want to ruin my son’s life just because I didn’t try hard enough!
I asked for marriage counseling. She declined it. She said she is done and she still love me, but she needs her space.
I agreed to the separation, and hoped I would work hard on our marriage, maybe she would miss me and want to comeback! (I know now it’s not going to happen.)
2 weeks later, 2 days before my birthday, I found out she is having an emotional affair with her boss. I confronted her, and she said she doesn’t know why she did it! She said it made her feel good. The biggest problem is: She was having the same conversations with him that we used to have when we were in love! And I was so embarrassed because she was extremely craving attention from him. He almost didn’t want it because he’s a married man. But she kept on saying inappropriate things. And that drove me crazy.
We had a conversation in the car about why and how. And she said that we should get divorced because I’ll never trust her again! Even tho she said that she wanted to get separated and hopefully she would miss me and try to fix things back again. But I told her that that doesn’t make sense since she was perusing another man!
Today I moved out of the house, and asked her if we are still in the same page, and want to work on our marriage while separating! She said her heart is empty. “I need space. I need not to be asked how I feel.” It ended by me telling her “Space you will get.”
I have no idea where my marriage is at, at this point. I have no idea if she is seeing or still talking to her boss that way! I just know that I love my wife and son, and I know it’s too late, but I don’t want to give up. What to do?
Ben, I am not sure if you will get this in time, but don’t give up. You can forgive and trust your wife again. With the right help and assistance love can be rekindled. After going through the divorce process with my wife I wish I was in your shoes. Go to your wife and tell her that you’re standing for the marriage and want the opportunity to show love and kindness. Please Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late
These are some good books on how to speak and work with a separated spouse. These haven’t worked for me as of yet but I was further along than you seem. My heart goes out to you, your wife and son. You are in my prayers.
Ben, I am sorry to hear about what you are going through right now as I too am trying to reconcile my marriage with my wife and family.
My only advice I can give you is to follow through on your end. Find and make an appointment with a reputable Christian marriage counselor for yourself. Start the process and work with the counselor to eventually invite your wife to attend a session with you.
Invite your wife to attend. Keep it short. Give her the appointment date and time. Don’t demand that she go and don’t ask if she is going to be there. She will probably tell you no she won’t. Just love her and allow her to make her own decision. Go separately and you need to be there regardless.
Be in prayer for yourself and her. Take it slow and let God work in both your lives.
After reading many of the comments and statements on this website I pray for each and everyone one of you as you go through these hard times in life. I am thankful to have found such encouraging words of wisdom. I feel pain and sorrow that we are all in this section of the website beause of our marriage issues. I pray that no one would ever have to go through the saddness that we have all had to endure.
I am John and I have been separated from my spouse Shauna for the past couple months. We have been married for 13 years and have twin 9 year old girls. Over the years we have had out share of problems. I never realized I was such a bad husband that I was closing her heart off to me. I made all the wrong mistakes but felt I never cheated, abused or lust after others. How do we get it so wrong with the one we love so much? My wife is at a place where she prays, but for the divorce process.
She is at peace with God and divorce and in a happy place. I am at a lost in how to show and demonstrate and convince her that our life could be great together. I have always considered myself a christian but in reality I was a Sunday morning Christian. Since she stated she wanted a divorce I have become closer to God but many times I wonder why so much suffering. I’m trying and doing everything possible to regain trust but she is so determined she cannot see the possibilities. I don’t know how to stop loving and caring for her, even during my anger or hurt I so long to gain my wife’s heart back. Please pray for me as this is the most difficult time of my life and I don’t know if I can take the pain and suffering anymore.
Everyday I pray for the strength, courage and wisdom to do all the things necessary to move forward and gain my wife back. I don’t want to lose faith but some days are harder than others.
Praying for your family, brother. Our wives are protecting; and rightfully so. We have failed to do that, and we are repenting of the things that got us where we are. It’s just unfortunate that there are so many opinions justifying an already epidemic problem (divorce), enabling more of it. Regardless, we as men MUST bow to Christ and submit every area of our lives to Him, and then completely leave the work to God to unravel the convoluted hearts of those citing a feeling of “peace” about divorce is somehow ‘God’ speaking to them, refusing to acknowledge a redefinition of forgiveness as demonstrated by our Lord.
I am seeing that the more I get out of the way, the more God is able to speak to my wife about what His forgiveness really is.
This opinion was perfect, until: “If she doesn’t feel safe for some reason (whether it is physically, emotionally, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.”
Deciding to embrace a belief/thought that she is (and therefor feels) unsafe, is completely incongruent with forgiveness. Or does the writer mean ‘to forgive you’, as in, some ungodly definition that the hurting wife is clinging to along with some hurt?
True, she may claim to have ‘forgiven’, and may decide she is excused to not live with you, but is there any woman who has endured more offense and greater pain than our Jesus himself has endured and endures daily? Is Jesus not living in us somehow, because HE doesn’t ‘feel safe’ with us?? (No)
Our sisters in Christ, with their beautiful and delicate emotional natures, are ever more dependent to be in prayer about their troubled marriages and responses, and should default to God’s demonstrated definition of forgiveness, and not justifying distance and tactics that smack of ongoing judgment for the repentant husband.
Both men AND women are called and empowered to forgive as Christ forgives; if I’ve forgotten past grievances, how is there any thought of ‘safety’? It doesn’t square with the implicit and explicit commands in Matt 18:21-…
Gunthar, I absolutely understand where you are coming from, and for the most part, I agree. But giving forgiveness and reconciling are two different steps. I can forgive someone –not holding onto bitterness, and releasing the whole issue to God. I can be set free from resenting them and wishing bad upon them. I can pray for them, and wish them well. But that doesn’t mean that I have to trust them. If their behavior is such that I believe I could still be in danger of having the same thing happen again in the future, I would be a fool to just put myself in that place again. The other person (spouse, in this case) needs to win the trust back so that reconciliation has a chance to take place. Forgiveness, rebuilding trust, and fully reconciling are different steps.
I’ve seen spouses subjected to their spouses cheating on them. They are devastated. But eventually the victimized spouse is able to forgive and release the cheater to NOT seek revenge or harbor bitter feelings. But that doesn’t mean that they feel safe with that spouse that it won’t happen again, particularly when they see the other spouse flirting. And then there is verbal and/or physical abuse. We’ve seen spouses forgive the other, but that doesn’t mean that they still feel safe afterward. Their trust is broken. They may not harbor bitterness, but they don’t trust that the same pattern of abuse won’t happen again.
I’m ALL for spouse’s reconciling. That’s what I believe the Lord would want. But the spouse who broke trust needs to realize that even if they receive forgiveness, they will have an uphill battle –maybe for years, before the other spouse would be open to consider reconciling. The offending spouse will need to prove themselves. And that’s a mighty tough thing to do, indeed. It takes time and great effort. They need to change their lifestyle, not only so that they don’t offend their spouse again, but importantly, they need to change their lifestyle because of their love for the Lord. Their lifestyle change is not to be as much situational, as it is a permanent, life-changing, redeeming change in direction as far as how they live –where their heart and actions are changed whether or not their spouse ever trusts them again.
Matthew 18:21 and beyond, plus other scriptures talk about forgiving. But I don’t see where it says that trusting or reconciling again, especially if the abused spouse feels unsafe, is required. I wish they could go hand-in-hand, but there are many additional circumstances that may need to be in place before that could happen. How I wish this could be different, and we work hard in Marriage Missions to help make that happen, but we aren’t in control of all that would need to be put into place to make that a reality.
I think it fairly presumptuous that you understand just where I’m coming from. What we’re focusing on is the most serious institution, and justifying the ‘Godly’ dismantling of it, the very thing that hold societies together. Indeed, the recent studies on European banking stability have many in fear of a collapse we’ve never seen because marriage is all but non-existent and virtually no one is having children there.
Unfortunately, the incomplete functional definition of forgiveness enables continued hard-heartedness at whim of the weaker and emotionally-complex of the sexes, and even as men clearly repent and seek to serve their wives lovingly. It may be two-steps, but when one “dances” the two-step, the second step comes right after the first. No pause.
Women have the burden of keeping their emotional nature in check, so that it doesn’t recklessly destroy what it meant to be built up and preserved; just as men have their aggressive/conquering and sexual natures that they must keep in check. Sin does not excuse anyone from their marriage vow to God and duty to Him and the spouse in that relationship. The ease with which we cry ‘abuse’ is the slippery slope enabling Satan to continue to wreak havoc. The call of God is to love (love believes all things).
Terribly inconsistent, but the lines you draw are convenient to justify the wife’s emotional nature becoming ‘the Holy Spirit’, determining whether ‘trust is rebuilt’ by their understanding or not (trust in the Lord with all your heart…). Did God earn my trust? No. I was scared to trust Him. Is He safe? I don’t know. At the time, He had let all this pain in my life. BUT, I was inspired to trust Him, in spite of my fear. To ignore the ‘reasons’ and my understanding and rationalizations and I made a decision to trust.
I have only been with my wife. My wife slept with 9 men in the last 4 years (4 different reckless stints), all of whom were utterly sick, when she decided I wasn’t ‘safe’, and thus her justification that our marriage was over. I had been occasionally angry at her for disrespect she regularly pays me as I try and raise our son. One man she brought to our bed, when I was out of town, with our kids asleep. BUT, I have forgiven her of all of this, precisely because it was sin, and not who she is. I know who she is, as God’s creation.
But when is she going to choose to be that? If forgiveness is a delayed two-step process, as you argue, then what if I don’t choose to trust her, if I bring up her ‘abuse’ and how indirectly day after day because I don’t feel safe (that I might have to go get tested again), does she feel forgiven? Utter nonsense. Of course she doesn’t feel forgiven. How can she be forgiven when the message is clear that she isn’t?? I trust her, because God calls us to, to show the world what reconciliation is. I put my life, my health on the line for her, every time we are intimate, because she was/is such a good liar (and a publicly baptized follower of Christ somehow), FOR THE LORD.
You can keep rationalizing it, but you excuse the inexcusable. Forgiveness absolutely equals trust.
I think the reality is that the combination of being emotionally compromised and seeking ‘acceptable’ justifications is the engine of Satan to keep God’s creation from seeing more of what He wants to demonstrate to the world around us; REAL reconciliation, despite the grossest kinds of offenses in our lifetimes toward brothers and sisters.
This, and numerous other well-meaning websites, are simply tickling the ears of hurt and confused women across the world looking for justification for continuing in suppressed anger toward their spouse.
We don’t marry to give each other what we estimate they deserve. We marry precisely to show the world how to demonstrate God’s love by continually giving them the grace respect, and mercy… what they don’t deserve, like our Father does to each and every one of us.
I don’t want to argue with you Gunthar. I disagree with several things you said –other things I agree with. But I don’t see any reason to argue. When I said I “absolutely understand where you are coming from”, I didn’t mean that I understand WHAT you are GOING THROUGH (that WOULD be presumptuous), but rather, I truly see the perspective you’re coming from biblically (although I disagree with your perception of it). I’m sorry I didn’t word it in a clearer way.
I apologize if I upset you, but I respectfully disagree with you concerning the steps of forgiveness and rebuilding trust, and reconciliation. I believe they are separate steps. The arguments you gave didn’t change that in the least. Sorry. I’m also sorry for what you are going through with your wife. That is truly grievous and so hurtful. I pray the Lord ministers to your pain and gives you wisdom to know how to best deal with this situation. My heart goes out to you.
This might sound harsh, but seriously… In life, a person is usually coming from where they’ve recently been. That’s just the truth. But the cliches run wild in these situations.
Fair enough. I umderstand its hard to be teachable in public and when it’s your livelihood. But I respectfully submit that you dishonor your ministry and yourself, ignoring the double standard I point out (my wife had no sense of forgiveness until I chose to trust her in ways she felt trusted again).
The entire set of onlookers may have walked the path and completely disagree, but I find no better observation, than a woman’s own definition of forgiveness whe THEY need the healing of forgiveness for their spouse. If I continually show distrust in my wife, until I esteem her worthy of trust, she categorically would not claim She’s forgiven. How can there be any feeling of the healing and relief forgiveness provides, that we are called to offer freely, 70×7, without restoration of the trust relationship that is marriage??
I would solicit women who had affairs and the “steps” they went through until they were really forgiven.
You presume I have hurt. I don’t because Jesus has brought Me through. I see who my wife is in the lord and you seem to maybe have not walked that path. I have walked the road that academics claim to be able to guide, in the areas I’ve asserted. The only pain I suffer is being in a very serious “dog house” unable to show christs love to my wife while she reads well meaning and misguided rationalizations of concepts that are not clear in scripture.
Good luck in your ministry of reconciliation.
Livelihood? We are not making a dime in this ministry. We pray, and pay, and sacrifice continually to help those who are married. We ONLY do this because the Lord has led us to participate with Him in this way. So don’t even start to tell me about this being my/our livelihood.
And as for my not understanding what it is like to be rejected, cheated on, or what it is like to be hurt by those you love more than life itself… I can’t even begin to tell you how wrong you are. That is one of the reasons we do what we do, beneath the fact that God is leading us… we hope to lessen the pain and hopefully prevent others from going through, or prolonging this type of pain, unless God has a different journey for them to travel. So, please stop judging.
As for future comments that you may address to me, I respectfully refuse to volley back and forth with your argumentations. I don’t believe God is asking me to do so, or else I would. You are too ready to jump into judgment. Judge away, but I refuse to participate.
My name is Dan. I got married about 4 months ago we both attend the same Church; we are both believers and we both wanted and felt our relationship was centered around Christ. I am no Angel as I have lied to her in the past causing her to leave me two years ago. I turned to the Lord and miraculasly she came back. Back to the marriage, two days after the wedding and an abbreviated honeymoon she told me that marrying me was a mistake and that she never loved me. She felt Christ was trying to tell her no and she believes Christ is telling her to file for divorce now.
I had hid a few things from her that I was not proud of, like smoking cigarettes and drinking occasionally at night. We have now been seperated for our entire marriage minus the 2 days together. I do not believe in divorce. The wedding was very real for me, but for her she says she unfortunately had to say “I do” to say “I don’t.” We still talk divorce is something on the table for her. I’ve been attending counseling for 3 montghs and I wish I had started months before the marriage because I do love her.
I want her happiness; I want her spiritual growth and I believe Christ is still working on us. She is going to try personal counseling so she can heal. She says that the damage is too deep and that she doesn’t think she will be able to trust me again. I still continue to support her with bills, health insurance. I try to be as calm as possible and build her up when I feel she needs it. I’ve started diving back into the bible and Men’s church groups because I want to make sure I am keeping head and my heart following and trusting where ever Christ leads me. I don’t know if I should just let her go because I don’t want her to be miserable or continue hoping that Christ can heal her hardened heart.
My wife (28) of 3 years and I (29) had a disagreement on Oct 2 ’14. It started because of a sexless marriage. She would spend more time w/mother in-law than with me and every time I wanted to do something with our 2 year old son, I would have to make an appointment w/the in-law. So that happened and I wanted things to cool like every couple has disagreements. On Oct 7 ’14 we had our routine from work, eat supper, then she put our son to bed around 8-8:30. Around 9 pm, she came towards me and said she was going to bed and gave me a hug. I kissed her and said “goodnight I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.” I felt good, I felt happy because I believed she was ready to make amends over our disagreement we had days before.
On Oct 8 ’14, I came home after a hard day’s work… I find our HOME completely empty. All the furniture, pictures, and all of our son’s items removed from our home. I tried talking to my wife, but she wouldn’t answer. I went looking for her at the in-laws. I saw her vehicle. The in-laws came out as I was pulling in their driveway but they turned out to be ugly towards me and pushed me off their property. I went back home and cried. 3 hours later, I was handed a restraining order and have no contact with wife. We went to court about the order on Oct 14 ’14 the judge ruled the order to be extended until 01/26/15. In the meantime, custody was with mother, no contact with wife except US MAIL and exchange child every other weekend Sat 10 am-Sun 6 pm. I wrote my wife a few heartfelt letters but no reply. I filed for custody then she did too and had the court date on Jan 26′ 15.
We went to court on Jan 26 ’15 and judge gave my wife custody, exchange child every other weekend Fri 6P-Sun 6P and have to pay child support including back support beginning 10/14/14. Protective Order is dismissed.
My wife will still not speak to me and in-laws are no help in our relationship. I Love my Wife and Love our Son and miss so much being Family. In-Laws said to me back in Oct the day she left that she had already sign divorce papers and soon I will get them. But as of 1/26/15 she hasn’t. I know all of this was just a huge misunderstanding, and I’ve not hit my wife or even cursed her with foul language. I don’t know what to do, I’ve been praying so much and I am so devastated…. I just want my FAMILY back and I know we can work to fix this obstacle.
There have been times where I would just lay in bed tired and try to sleep at night, but not even blink and see the sunlight slowly come thru the window, then look at the clock and it’s 2PM.
I miss their joy, their laughter, and just every small things of my Wife and Son. Please HELP me pray so that God can enlightened and soften her heart that I’ve caused it to harden.
Hello. A few weeks ago, my wife began an emotional affair via facebook messages with another man from our gym. This went on for 2 weeks until I found out. We had a series of huge fights until she finially broke it off with him. During their chatting they admitted that they had feelings for each other. Then I found out about it. She told him that she was going to honor her wedding vows and go back to me.
The problem is that she continues to see and talk to him several days a week at the gym, but she swears that she doesn’t have feelings for him. It really bothers me that she does this.
Several weeks went by, and I thought that her and I were getting back on track. I prayed and prayed and prayed to God to help us. Last night we went out with friends and I had several drinks and so did she and everyone else. She started talking to one of our male friends, and I being very insecure in our relationship, and I being short on trust, assumed that she was flirting with him. I got up from the table, and went to the mens room. On the way there, I punched a hole in the wall. I didn’t intend to do that, I just hit the wall out of anger, but I did end up putting a hole in it.
When I got back to the table, one of the waitstaff pulled me out of the room, and told me that they saw what happened, and that O had to leave. This was a dinner/show , so I went back to grab my things, and I told my wife that we had to leave. She was very upset, to say the least. We had to go sit outside in the cold until the show was over, because we shared a ride with the other couple.
The 2 hour ride home was silent. When we got home, we verbally fought. I’ve never done anything like this in the past. I’m terrible embarrassed. I feel terrible, horrible, mortified, and scared. I will be calling that place when it opens up to tell them that I’m sorry and that I’ll be paying for all damages. But now I’m left with a wife who is scared of me. She thinks that I’m a monster. She hates my guts, and is thinking about leaving me. She says the only reason that she and I are still living in the same house, is because of our children.
I prayed a lot last night. I slept 2 hours; it was a fitful sleep. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to start. I want to make things right, or at least try. But she wants space right now to figure things out. I can do that, but it makes me sick. I feel like I’m standing by, watching her walk away. We’ve had a rocky past but I know that with God’s help, if we both make an honest effort in this, that we can make it work. But besides praying and giving he some space, I’m at a total loss. Please advise.
I’ve been married to my best friend of 14 years for over a decade. She’s been chasing after me, fell in love with me because I was different from all the rest of the men that she knew in her life. We dated since October 2, 2010. She has two kids by two other men. Her son had a problem with playing the bed and I had a problem with blended families cuz I never dated anybody who had kids before.
My girlfriend at the time was not my wife, never set me down and discussed with me how to become a step parent. Instead, she would rather go out with her friends and leave me to babysit. I felt that she was taking advantage of me in my home throughout the years she was always flirty with guys. I told her previously before we ever got together that I didn’t like that.
Years went by. It got worse. Eventually I had resentment towards her son and resentment towards the other two fathers. They were making her life a living hell and there is nothing I can do to change it or to help her. I had a wall up over my heart because I knew that she would always cheat on people so I took the extra precautionary steps to protect my heart. That’s where I failed. I never gave her the benefit of the doubt.
On June 8, 2014 we got married. She walked out on September 14th for a week, stayed with her new best friend who was an older woman who has been married three times, and divorced as well. When she came back I discovered that she had an emotional affair with my next door neighbor who is also cheating on his wife with another woman. I told my wife that I will not compete against another man I shouldn’t have to. I’m your husband; I didn’t understand at the time the patience, humbleness, loving, and supportive, was needed to be had in order to help restore our marriage at the time.
It has been 5 months and all we did was fight because my selfish ways were trying to rush the reconciliation of our marriage. Mind you, this is my first marriage, my first wife my first wholehearted love and I’m afraid that I push her away because I kept on accusing her of cheating on me because of that neighbor kept on calling her she would ask to see my phone, Facebook, email and I would oblige but when I asked to see her social media, email, and text messages. She would not let me see it she told me there is nothing for me to see. So I asked her if there’s nothing for me to see, then why don’t you show me nothing. So she did not do it eventually it escalated to where I was getting frustrated hurt I felt this honored and disrespected to where I would say names in or not putting her down like like some men would do but words that stung my wife used to believe in God but she gave up on him now all the sudden she’s pagan and she gets this from the best friend of hers who thinks she knows everything. This best friend is a cancer in this marriage and she will not go away I know she has persuaded my wifes way of thinking of how a marriage should go and what her decisions should be as far as us reconciling and I feel bad for her two kids plus our daughter that we had. She plans to move out by dinner this week she doesn’t tell me I love you anymore she doesn’t touch me anymore doesn’t even say goodbye when she leaves it’s like she’s like this totally different person and she has a real bad wall up over her heart I know she has a hardened heart towards me and I regret everything that I’ve ever said and done because of my lack of understanding I pray everyday with our daughter the guy can help restore our marriage to help preserve our family from falling apart just to give me that second chance to be the husband that I know my wife would like me to be I asked God to change me in my way of thinking in to help me correct the wrong that I have done I asked everybody to please help pray for my family please help pray for the sanctity of our marriage we are a newlywed most of all please pray for everybody that’s in the same boat as I I do not wish this feeling upon anybody not even my worst enemy I asked God everyday to please help soften my wifes hardened heart and that he may reach into the darkness weir her true being is residing shackled and chained against your will to pull her out of the darkness embrace the Lord for the salvation of her soul salvation of our marriage. I know I cannot turn back time I would not want to. All I want to do is move forward and learn from the mistakes improved my loving wife that I am NOT that selfish over who has a jealous tendency and a nasty tongue in Jesus name I ask and pray everybody to help save us amen.
Thank you so much. This is a great read and I needed to read it. My wife is at the point of no reconciliation because of my actions over time. I didn’t beat or cheat but I have been very narcissistic during our almost 25 years of marriage. I do not know what to do. I feel helpless and lonely, just as I’m sure she does. If you can help in any way, I would greatly appreciate it. Hopefully the Lord’s will is the same as mine. Thank you.
Thank you so much. This is a great read and I needed to read it. My wife is at the point of no reconciliation because of my actions over time. I didn’t beat or cheat but I’ve been very narcissistic during our almost 25 years of marriage. I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless and lonely, just as I’m sure she does. If you can help in any way, I would greatly appreciate it. Hopefully the Lord’s will is the same as mine. Thank you.
My wife is at the same point after 17 years. Here is our hope. God says he hates divorce. God says that what he puts together let no man tear apart! Practically what I’ve been doing is googling “Christian life, how to get my wife back.” Most of the sites are clear about time healing her heart, saying positive words to combat her negativity, allowing her to make her own choice, don’t bombard her with text, email, or phone calls, dont beg for her back, and don’t say I’ll change. All these things are on these websites. Grow in Christ; she fell in love with you for a reason. Help her to remember those reasons. I’m praying for your marriage!
Hey! Well, me and my wife have been separated for a couple of weeks now. I got on pain pills about 3 years ago and it got really out of control. In the past 2 years I’ve been to 3 detoxs and 2 rehabs, never finishing any of them except the one I just got out of.
I expected to come home and right all of my wrongs but my wife is done. She found some sense of happiness with me being away since we were not arguing and there was not money missing. She’s also scared I may relapse and doesn’t want to put the kids through it again which is totally understandable. I gave my life to God while in rehab. I’ve tried to explain how things will be different but she won’t hear it.
We’re waiting on the divorce for a year but all she can tell me right now is that there’s nothing there and that I shouldn’t expect anything in the future. We both agree on going to marriage counseling but she wants to go so we can communicate better for the kids sake and I want to go to try and fix our marriage.
I feel utterly hopeless because I feel horrible about what I put her through with my addiction. I just want my family back and to be able to show her the changes God has made in me and that things can be better than they ever were. I’m trying to fix it and making more of a mess out of it everyday and it’s not my intention. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
First off, I feel your pain man and understand the addiction. My story is somewhat the same. I can tell you from reading about 30 Christian articles man, that we (me, you, and thousands of men) have to take it one day at a time, surrendering daily to God. My wife and I have been down this road of one rehab, but 4 to counselors in our 17 years together.
God’s not done; it doesn’t matter what she says about the marriage, because she, like you, are human. Do God’s will for your life and stay in your word, that’s the only thing I’ve been holding on to. She has a free will, and you do too. Accept the things you can’t change, and ask God to help you understand what your wife has been going through. GOD BLESS, I AM PRAYING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!