“I’m trying everything I can, but my wife just won’t consider reconciling our marriage.”
“I’m doing all I know how to do, but my wife still wants a divorce.”
“My family is split apart, but my wife says ‘no’ to working on reconciling.”
Those are just three of many statements we’ve heard here at Marriage Missions, where the husband is seeking to restore and rebuild their broken marital relationship. Despite their outreach to her, the wife will have no part of it.
They ask us for help and to be perfectly honest, we often aren’t sure how to help them. First off, Steve and I are not Marriage Counselors —we’re Marriage Educators. And many of these types of couples need more help than we can give them. When you’re talking about deep-seeded problems, have been going on a long time before they approach us, it’s seldom something that can be resolved with an obvious solution.
Good Starting Point for Reconciling
But I’ve done some digging into coming up with at least SOME type of “answers” for husbands, hoping they will be a good starting point. When a person feels they are drowning ANYTHING of any substance is better than nothing. This is true, at least, for the immediate moment. And that is what I’m offering here —something of substance to help you in your immediate desperation.
You will need to work through this journey together with God to see how He helps you to unravel this complicated situation. It may or may not end up with the result you desire. However, who knows? It may end up better. I don’t know. But when God is invited in, you can be sure that you will find a place of peace, at some point in time. And it will be the best solution that you can grasp, given the fact that we live in a fallen world. With the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor,” you have more going for you than any other way you could ever go.
That doesn’t mean that God won’t use other human counselors and advisors to help you at some point, but as the familiar term goes, “He’s got your back.”
The Bible says in Proverbs 30:21-23:
“Under three things the earth trembles…” One of those three things is “an unloved woman who is married.” You may be screaming inside that you WANT to show her love and are willing to do what it takes to give it to her. But for some reason her availability to receive your love is slammed shut.
I don’t know if it is your fault, her fault, the fault of “the perfect storm” of emotions all tangled up, sin run amuck, and/or someone else’s fault. But whatever it is, it is. It’s best to work with what is, rather than work in denial of the truth. It’s important to work with what you CAN do, rather than what you wish you could do. Denial will take you to a dead end, as far as getting any positive results in reconciling with her again.
I’m going to present an article for you to read, to pray over and consider. It may or may not be for you. Or there may be parts, which the Holy Spirit may use to speak to and help you. It’s the gleaning process, in action.
Start With Prayer
Please read through it. Then ask the Lord to help you to keep your mind open to what He wants you to know. A good prayer for you to sincerely express to God is:
“Search me O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139:23-24)
Next:
There IS a reason your wife’s spirit is closed off to you. It may be one or many or all of the reasons I pointed out earlier. However, you need to know that it didn’t happen overnight. It may seem to you that it did because of how it all came down. But in reality, it has been closing off to you for a while and it just now came to a final closure —one that opened your eyes to the final door slamming shut.
Closed Spirit
A number of years ago, I heard Dr Gary Smalley talk about the process of how a spouse’s spirit closes. He showed an open hand with all of the fingers splayed wide apart. He likened the heart being in the place of the palm of the hand. It’s the soft part of who they are and very vulnerable when nothing is protecting it.
And then he gave examples of different “events,” which can cause a spouse to close a protective finger over their heart. Because of these events, they felt too vulnerable to being hurt again by the “offending” spouse. Sometimes confession and repentance opens the fingers again. But sometimes, the offended spouse never opens up in the same way ever again.
He then showed that sometimes a spouse has been hurt so much over time. The result was that he or she will completely close off in spirit, from the other spouse. The hand looks like a closed fist. There is no part of that “heart,” which is open and vulnerable to the way you can approach it. And sometimes it never opens again.
In his book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late
He wrote:
Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife’s spirit when you:
• Speak harsh words.
• Tell her that her opinions don’t matter.
• Act unwilling to admit when you are wrong.
• Take her for granted.
• Make jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense.
• Show that you do not trust her.
• Force her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with.
• Act rude to her in front of others.
• Dismiss her needs as unimportant.
Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you’ve done to close her spirit.
We consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives’s spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don’t realize they’ve offended their wives.
And one day the husband comes home to find his wife’s spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like a sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!
If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him.”
Gary goes on to then state the following:
“Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you —who may find yourself with a closed sow bug, instead of an an open wife, feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit.”
I realize THAT’S what you are trying to do. Dr Smalley’s book gives you some ideas, which you may find helpful. They have worked for many husbands. They haven’t worked for others, but you never know until you pray, read, and see if God is leading you that way. For this reason, you may want to obtain the book to consider his advice.
I want to give one more illustration, before I move on from this point. I’m hoping it will help you to see what could have happened with your wife. It was written by someone named Camain, who asked for prayer on the Internet for his wife’s hardened heart.
Referring to his wife, he wrote the following:
“Someone said that she is really hurt, and you’re right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that. But it’s the little things that have added up over the years. Each of those little things was a brick in a wall. Little by little with time being the mortar, that wall has gotten big and hardened.
“At first I tried to bang myself against it, repetitively hitting it. I can’t break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and perseverance. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I’m trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage. No matter how big or small, I’m trying to ask for forgiveness of them, and stop doing them.”
I can’t help but think of “the earth trembling” because of a wife who feels “unloved” so she closes her spirit, walled off from being open to her husband again —at least, not at this point.
True, we don’t know the circumstances. And true, sin is involved somewhere —you can count on it. But nonetheless, her spirit is closed.
A Helpful Article on Reconciling
I came across an article, which I referred to earlier, believing you will benefit from reading it. I’m hoping that at least SOME of what the author, Reb Bradley has written will help. At the end of this article, he offers additional resources. I need you to know that I don’t know much about Reb or his resources. As a result, I can’t really recommend them. That is up to you.
All I can say is that I saw a lot of credibility in what I was able to read and glean. I encourage you to prayerfully consider all God shows you, for your situation. Below is the Familyministries.com link to this article.
Please read:
• RECONCILIATION WITH A HARDENED WIFE
Above all, I hope that your ultimate goal goes beyond reconciling with your wife. If that is the case, your “solutions” will be most likely be temporary, when and if you do. Ultimately, I hope your ultimate goal is to go to GOD and make sure your life is clean. Do not give your wife added “excuses” as to why she could remain closed in her spirit in reconciling with you.
Also, realize that giving forgiveness and reconciling the marriage are two separate steps. Your wife may have much, which she needs to forgive you for, and much that she needs to surrender to the Lord. But that does not mean that she will seek reconciling with you as husband and wife again. If she doesn’t feel safe with you (physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.
Live For God
I can’t account for her actions, and neither can you. This is between her and God. You will need to come to the place where you will live for God, EVEN IF your wife doesn’t join you in marriage again. Are you a man of God who can live like this? Are you a man after God’s own heart?
If you are, and you are sincere, then there is hope for you that you can be reconciled to God AND to your wife. But I don’t know what your wife will do.
I do know though, that God wants to work in and through your life. He wants to do this whether your wife comes back to you or not. It is my sincerest hope you will participate with Him in this mission.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Save My Marriage
After 17 years of marriage my wife has decided to separate and divorce me. I allowed her heart to be hardened by the things I did, pornography, drinking and lying about it, disrespectful to het, but not in public. I did what I wanted to versus doing what God ask of me. I ran after her the best way I knew how, but obviously it was my way and not God’s way.
We’ve been separated for two months, and in those two months she never wore her ring to work. I would tell her that she is opening up something that could be potentially sinful and hurtful toward me. Last week she told me she had been seeing a “friend”. It’s a man, and she now is in an emotional affair. I did all the wrong things when I actually caught her. I called her every bad word I could think of to describe a cheating women. Unfortunately, I was wrong and have repented to God for my actions.
Worse than that she has justified it to our kids, saying God wants me to be happy. It gets worse, he is a very wealthy man that says he’s a Christian, but she tells me they talk regularly about the reason why she should divorce me. She says he’s completely on her side (why would he not be on your side!) My wife does have an emotional void that she has always given to God. She is not the same person I talked to 3 months ago about fighting for what God wants for our marriage. I told her that I choose to fight for our marriage until God released me from that. She said “I dont want to be married to you; get that through your brain, I’ve moved on!” I told her that’s fine in a calm voice, and I understood, but move toward God versus humans.
” I called her every bad word I could think of to describe a cheating women. Unfortunately, I was wrong and have repented to God for my actions. ”
Did you apologize to her? I mean, you insulted her, not God and you just repent to God? Where is it written in the Bible that repenting only to God is enough? Even God tells us to go ask for the forgiveness of the person you hurt.
Amen, I have apologized many a time. I have been lead by the spirit to do so. My soon to be ex wife cheated on me. There is no, I mean NO excuse for either party to cheat. Some are just liars in this world.
I’m sorry to hear what your going through. We men have a way of putting our wives in the place of all of our frustrations. Women are not innocent but when you constantly bicker with them and then the bitter words followed by heartless deeds and the, “I will show you attitude.” It’s hard to get beyond that, especially for women. My wife has shut down on me as well. AUGUST 27th will be the funeral -I mean divorce. At some point I just turned it over to God and you should too. I know that God is the only one who can soften her heart. Nothing that I can think of in my pea brain mind can fix that big of a hurt and soften hardened heart. Learn from your mistake. Pray and pray more.
Sounds like she’s set up a wall and has fallen from what she once followed. She was hurt from what you did. Understandable but instead of trying to understand and talk with you as to why you felt you needed to do what you did, she has taken 17 years of marriage and closed it off. Taking her ring off, starting an emotional affair is not any better or possibly worse than what you did but she will never admit that.
Stating that this guy is a Christian, yet he is pursuing a married woman instead of telling her to be open and at least try to reconcile, get to the root of the issue, is not to Christ like in my opinion.
Calling her names when you found out about her emotional affair was knee jerk but once it’s out, it’s hard to take back. That’s where you both need to sit down and talk about what you each felt. How did she react to you? Did she apologize? Or was her reaction to seek the affair she did? Good luck to you. Hopefully she’ll open up and both of you with God’s direction can reconcile and strengthen your relationship.
Amen. I never have gotten an apology but I forgave her of the name calling stealing, and being a lady of the night. She is a coward who used JESUS to get all in her side, which is fine. There is MY side, her side, and the TRUTH.
Hang in there! I’m going through the same (somewhat); God is sovereign, meaning He is in total control. There is no way that your wife will be happy nor God will ordain that relationship, she will be tormented and whipped spiritualy because it’s not just a covenant that she broke with you, its a covenant that she broke with God himself …all spouses are prodigal; they do come back. What God has put together let no man or woman put asunder; this is a spiritual battle the enemy has come in and invaded your spouse’s mind. http://www.rejoiceministries.com. God has allowed your wife to go into captivity. Fast and pray and stay in God’s word…Rejoice Ministries is a powerful sight – please read….Satan is busy. Be blessed.
I’ve been married for 13 years and I’m saddened to say that my marriage hangs by a thread. Like many men on this board my wife’s heart is now closed to me due to many years of mistakes and selfish behaviors on my part. We have two wonderful children who are impacted by our current situation. Three months ago my wife told me she had enough and wanted a divorce. I broke down in private and immediately called out to the Lord who answered me. What He said was that I may get to keep my wife but there was a good chance that I would not. He said to me to put that out of mind and that I must behave a certain way; not only towards my wife but in my life. In short I am to be strong, kind, gentle, and seek God with all my heart. In seeking the Lord I was told not to make it conditional in any way (i.e. just to regain my marriage).
Lastly he told me to go home and ask my wife if she would allow me to stay in our house for 30 more days as long as there was no conflict. I asked her if we could pray together for those 30 days. She agreed to those terms. The good news is that I have been faithful to God’s instructions for those 30 days and it has now been approximately 80 days since we made that deal.
We’ve never discussed the fact that our initial timeframe has been exceeded, I simply thank God for each new day. The bad news is that my drastic changes have caused my wife to become very conflicted. She is extremely sad and feels guilty about what she wants to do (leave me) versus what she feels she should do. Our house is peaceful but we’re still totally disconnected and live as roommates. It saddens me deeply to see my wife so hurt and upset. We haven’t even so much as hugged or touched hands in over 3 months.
I’m asking for your prayers during this difficult period. I have to stay steadfast despite the fact that my wife’s heart continues to remain shut-off from me. Please pray for me and my family as I pray for each of you. Thank you and God Bless.
My prayers are with you; Obedience is better than sacrifice….Lift your wife up…God will give you the good and perfect gift!. Even through this time HE has your family…Not just you or your wife…In the palm of His hands. As the high priest of your home intercede — stand in the gap constantly for your family’s success. Let your wife know/see this in your actions – faith without works is dead. Likely your wife is also struggling with obedience to the Lord vs. her self preservation. I have faith that she will work trough this with God’s guidance. This is also her time to learn to trust God in all things.
I can almost quote the same situation word for word. We are about a month and a half in. I was brought to my knees by her talk of divorce and am strong with Christ and getting closer everyday. I pray for her hardened heart to be softened by the Lord and for her to see the man I have become that I wasn’t before. Only then God’s vision of marraige can be achieved for us.
IF GOD gave her the love that he gave me for my wife… we would walk through hell itself, come out scarred up, but still as one flesh.
Where to begin? 13 years ago I married the love of my life who had two kids, a boy and a girl. Now keep in mind at that time I had no idea what the role of a step father was until now so I advise to all of the men out there who are considering marrying a single mother with children YOU HAVE NO PARENTAL RIGHTS! Now having said that for the life of me, I don’t know what I did that was so bad for her kids to disrespect me and hate me so much because all I asked of them during the duration of the marriage is keep their rooms clean and pick up after themselves. So when I asked to help with the chores around the house the reply I would get is F.O. and my wife would allow them to treat me like that during the entire marriage and this is a family that came from Baptist roots.
This went on for 10 years until the daughter found her husband and moved on, then the son got a full scholarship to Baylor. Then one and half years later he loses his scholarship and moves back home. So for the past year all he does is sit on his butt and does nothing and while I try to motivate him to get some ambition in life he pretty much tells me to F.O. and of course his mother takes his side. IF ONLY PEOPLE COULD AND OR WOULD KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEING SO ALONE IN THIS WORLD AND FEELING LIKE A PERSON WITH NO IMPORTANCE, LIKE AN OUTSIDER. Marry a single mom or dad with children and you’ll join the club for lonely people, you will definitely know what it’s like being second or third on the priority list.
Two years ago I had an affair with another woman because I had a breaking point with the stepson, the wife sits by and does nothing and then I got caught via E-Mail. Because I was felt so alone I was vulnerable (I really can’t explain the why’s for my actions). After I committed the ultimate sin, I was so ashamed of myself that I didn’t make love to my wife anymore because I was so messed up in the head I really didn’t know how to fix what I broke and of course the love of my life didn’t know how to either, just complain about it.
A year goes by and she finds another man with three children, files for divorce and moves in with her new romance and maybe just maybe she’ll know what it’s like to be in my shoes by being a step mom. Now there is just God and I and with his help hopefully my life will get back in order. I sure hope he forgives me because I never intended to have an affair but it happened and life goes on. Hope this helps someone out there.
Richard, your wife committed a serious sin with you. Husband is the #2 priority, after God for a Christian. Most people fail to realize that a wife’s sin in this manner is probably far more serious to God than anything you could do. You going with another woman is also a sin… but your wife effectively abandoned you. Repent, be thankful that you’re no longer married to an non-believer. Study and pray to God. Good luck.
We’ve been married for 23 years and have known/been together for 31 years. She is the love of my life and we have two children boy 13 and girl 11. Over the last 6 years she quit her job, and we’ve been living at my gross wage. We’ve lost money in a company she started and in day trading. I was reaching the end of my rope for some time, and had pretty much thrown myself into work and was distant.
I drank, drank alone at night but at times my frustration came out. I tried to give up drinking and had slowly gone back to it. On 1/1 we had a huge fight, and I was thrown out. She now say she wants a divorce and there is no chance of reconciliation. My lawyer says that this is one of the worse contested situations he has seen. Her parents (which never liked me) are one of the loudest advocates for the divorce.
While there was one of physical abuse (grab her wrists, she would hit me, etc). There was no control being forced on my part. I didn’t even know the passwords to the financial accounts, and she came and went as she saw fit. I worked and handed over my check and got an allowance. There is definitely something evil that has happened.
In mid-December she wanted the marriage. I have learned that I was not the husband I should have been, have been going to AA, praying, church, etc. I want to restore my marriage, not as it was, but as one in which is glorifies God. I know she’s hurting, that her pain and lashing out is all a result of the hurt she feels, that some of it (the sheer hatred?) is a result of listening to those who profess life will be better. I read the statistics, and life rarely gets better (unless there was sexual abuse, violence, controlling behavior).
We were in a slump. She went days without showering, and the house would stay in a disaster from day to day. I should have been more encouraging, and I thought I was; I thought you would start gentle, then progessively increase the ante in order to get attention of what the issues were. Now I’m losing everything. My kids are suffering from PAS (they hate me), and blame me for destroying their world. I don’t know what to do. I’m losing faith in God, and lawyers and our mental health/ counselling system. Everyone supports divorce, no one supports reconciliation.
I am that closed spirited wife. The sad thing for me is that I warned my husband for years that he was making a terrible mistake with his attitude. He wasn’t abusive…it was just comments he would make toward me and my 2 girls from my first marriage. We showed him all the love and giving one person could possibly receive. I even looked over how he would speak toward my girls at times, but it slowly started festering.
We have been married for almost 7 years. Our daughter is 5 now. My daughters have moved out, so that brings me peace that they don’t have to deal with his attitude anymore. He has really been repentant the last year because he can see how shut off I am. I keep telling him I’m trying, but I just don’t feel anything for him. I certainly don’t want him to touch me in any way. I want so much to get my love back for him. I want it to work. I want to “feel” again, but If it wasn’t for our daughter and how she loves her daddy…I would’ve been gone a long time ago.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I just want husband’s out there to see that you may think it’s “cute” being the “man of the house” with a dominating attitude, but she will get tired…and when she does…I don’t think she’s able to come back. I can’t.
Christy, I am a husband with a step daughter and 2 daughters with my wife. We have been together for a total of 21 years. Speaking from the “man’s” perspective I always thought how I spoke and acted towards my wife and daughters was “normal” and “correct”. I was 100% wrong, I see that now. My wife shut me out of her heart and asked me for a divorce in March 2014. I was at the lowest point of my entire life.
I had sensed that something was wrong a couple months prior to that and went to the Lord in prayer, every day, a hundred times a day. For me, to change my heart and the way I acted towards everyone. I asked God to empty my blackened heart and refill it with His Love. What I received was an overpouring of His Love. I’ve changed in so many positive ways, and my wife and children are reaping the benefits. I know I’m as far from perfect as anyone else and I need to keep drawing closer to him to become more like Him.
For my wife, I pray everyday, that the Holy Spirit can soften her heart and that she can forgive my transgressions and put our past in the past, that God can fill her with His Love so that she’ll be able to reopen her heart so that we can be one with Him and each other. I pray for my children for God to wrap His Love around them and keep them protected.
Its been about 18 months since I began my transformation and everyone around me can see and feel the difference. My wife and I are still together. It has been one bumpy road that we have travelled. She goes back and forth about her feelings towards me and I can feel her come close and draw back. I know I cannot change her heart, only God and time can heal the wounds I caused her. It’s tough for us both. I can honestly say that I love her more today than I ever have, and I now understand her so much better and can empathize with her struggles.
Our friendship has grown exponentially. She feels safe talking to me, knowing there are not any repercussions for what is said. She struggles with how slow her feelings are taking to come back. From this time last year, she says she feels about 50% better about us, but she still wants it to go faster and gets dejected about it. I told her I believe that this reversal process is a very slow process from what I’ve read, been told, and seen with my own eyes. She tells me I’m now a great husband and father and she wants to continue working together. We both keep praying to God that he can restore us to to new heights. We both don’t want what was. We look forward to what will be.
Please know that if your husband is truly sorry for what he has done and shows you the changes in him put there by the Lord, your heart can be changed too, with time and patience. I have apologized to my wife for each single problem that I’ve caused and continue to make amends for what I’ve done wrong in our relationship. Try to keep your outlook positive. Look to the future with anticipation. Negativity can tear you apart. Put the past in the past. I know the past cannot be forgotton, but it can be forgiven and filed away. Forgiveness is hard, but it can release anger, bitterness, resentment, and heal a closed heart. Continue to seek the Lord in prayer. I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Christy, your perspective is a little off. God’s first command is to “help” your husband. Sometimes help means tough love. You should be Absolutely submissive if your husband is doing something good in front of God. If he is verbally abusive or emotionally abusive you should “help” him with that. Unfortunately, it sounds like you were submissive to his bad behavior for too long. That’s your own sin and a very subtle and difficult situation to overcome. Feeling “shut off” or “trying” are to a large degree just selfish. The tools of Satan are subtle, but powerful. So…. maybe you need a new game plan. Especially now that he’s willing to work with you. Keep it positive, read about conflict resolution in the Bible, get help from Church, etc… work at it…. repeat. Good luck.
Hello Christy, certainly very brave to have made your post as well as truly heart breaking for you. But sadly I am one of those of whom you speak. My beautiful wife (we have been together for 32 years) left me 3 months ago. I haven’t been able to work or function properly since. There is nothing or no one on this planet I care for more but as you warn others …her heart is cast in stone now towards me. For just one more day by her side I would trade the rest of my life. I pray to God every chance I get …but I fear even with God’s help all is lost.
She tells me that she doesn’t trust me …she can’t risk her heart being broken again. I have not strayed into the arms of another …rather into the arms of absolute stupidity. Maybe you may offer me some more advice? For that I’d be in your debt. I hope you may find happiness soon with God’s help. You’re in my prayers tonight. Michael.
I first came across this article about a year ago. I noticed some of the problems that were mentioned. They’re all things that I’ve been dealing with for 10 years now. I can honestly say that I’ve done all that I know to do to make things right with my wife. I’ve acknowledged my wrongs and sought to correct them. However, I’m very tired of how she is allowed to continue in her bitterness and sin where I get beat to death with mine.
My gosh mine left me after a year and a half. She uses and lies then blames it on something from three years ago. I have bent over backwards but as a old saying goes that I will not repeat… she is lost. Please pray that she might get saved.
I have tried to reconcile with my wife but no progress as she seems not interested anymore with the marriage. I believe the power of the Holy Spirit will take over one day and restore this marriage if really it was meant to last long. We are married for 15 years and are blessed with three kids. Am living in another town because of my work and she stays in the city with all the kids in our common home. She at once applied for legal protection order but fortunately, won it and it was withdrawn.
This situation had made me to start losing hope and whenever I go to see my kids I normally arrange for places where I can stay for the weekend and see the kids. We hardly communicate because she blocked my contact with her on her mobile. Tough life but I believe you can assist me what is next.
Hi, My Wife and I love each other. We’ve been together since Jun 17 2001. I love her with all my heart. What had happened is she has been the caregiver for her whole family so they came first. So when we made money they got it. When they had a problem they got her over me. Her friends had problems and they got her over me so we fought about everyone else coming first.
I love her and would have her back. There are guys who came along and pushed her, causing us problems. In the end, I am right. Most all her friends, family want money, and time from her depleting US. When I set up romantic things they come hotel Valentines Day, New Years, anniversary. I want to go to church but her friends want to party. She has gay friends, she has friends that want to drink when I want us to go to church and the gym.
They pull get away. There are guys who promise her stuff. People she knows gossip about me. I love her. I just threw her a birthday party, got her a limo. She said she loves me then while taking care of her family she says, Scott leave me alone. She wants to go see other guys. If it does not work out cone back to me. I think she is going thru a midlife crisis. These friends smell money I think, and wanted to do a DNA test saying her older norther had sex with her mom. O could go on and on her family drove her crazy she got rid of half of them then me are final fights were I wanted to go to church renew our vows her friends call get her drink and sick then we go back her friends get a boat again and so e guy sirs next to her hits on her we fight about that. What can I do? I love her. I been fighting for her since last October. She is love of my life. I feel she is the one God chose for me. How do I bring her back to me? and we are together and have God in our life what’s the right way to ouse her I did not sin against he r do not abuse her always built her self esteem up She had couple affairs which I had te pub ke getting past. She said she loves me bit thinks there may be too much damage. She wanted to let me know around July 4 if she takes me back.
Your post is one really hard to get a complete understanding of what is really going on with your marriage; but I think I have understood the important facts. To reply to your message please may you tell what she has said about taking you back then I can make suggestions on what you should do next.
It is 4 July today so you should hear from her I suppose. But for now the most important thing to do is maintain your prayers for your marriage and keep loving your wife. There are so many adjustments you need to make but if you are still available on this website let us know her decision about you and we can suggest ways forward. God bless you.
My wife’s heart is so hardened towards me. I lost me job in September 2013. I have looked for employment but have only been able to find part time work that is not steady. I’ve paid all of my bills with my 401K and we have never had any utilities turned off or anything repossessed. My wife hates her job and I know that. She would always come home complaining about work.
While I wasn’t working I would try to do some of the household chores. I would do the laundry and sometimes there would be baskets of clean clothes that I had just dried sitting in the laundry room. I would fold them the next day. My wife would come home and ask are these clean or dirty. I would always tell her what was clean and I would fold and put away the laundry. I also cooked dinner and cleaned up and tried to keep the house relatively clean (it was never a dirty home).
Well in January 2015 my wife’s father became ill and she went home 500 miles away to be with him in the hospital. During this time she reconnected with an old girlfriend who had a brother just a year younger than my wife. Their father was also sick and dying. My father in law died and when my wife came home she was grieving. She would go to bed at 8:30 pm. I told her I was her for her and wanted to help her through this period but she seems to want to grieve alone.
One day she was going to visit a friend in the hospital in a nearby town. She told me that after visiting this friend her male friend from her hometown was gonna be in town because he was a truck driver and she was gonna go see him. I was not the jealous type so I said ok. But she was gone for several hours and I became suspicious.
She went back home in March to see her mother and she calls me and tells me that one of her girlfriends set up a motorcycle ride. I asked her if she rode with the female friend and she said no. She rode with this same male friend. She was not hiding anything from me but made it seem as though it was just a friend and notthing more. When she returned home she was fine at first, waking up in the morning and reaching for me and caressing my arm. But by the end of the week she became quiet. I asked her if she still loved me and she said, “What do you think… yes I love you.” That night we had a talk and she told me she did not know if she loved me anymore.
Things have gotten progressively worse. At first she would still hug and kiss me. Now she will not let me touch her. I checked my phone records and she has been texting this guy 100 time a day or more and his sister 60 to 80 times a day. We have 2 children. Our oldest is my stepdaughter who I’ve been with since she was 4. This daughter has told her mom until you end it with the other guy we’re done. My daughter and I are so close and we talk everyday. She is hurting so bad because of this.
My wife says that because I didn’t have a job this allowed someone to come between us. She blames me for everything. She says that I have turned our girls against her but I told her that we taught them right from wrong and they now what is right. We are still living together and sleeping in the same bed but she barely talks to me. I love her with all my heart and cannot bare the thought of not being with her.
Before anything the most important thing is to seek the presence and grace of God in your marriage. Look up verses about grace in the bible and declare and pray over them in your marriage. It is a very difficult position you are in but I have great hope that you shall come out of it with your marriage intact and stronger. The fact that your wife is still coming home shows that there is still hope for your marriage but what you do now is pray that that hope turns out into a stronger marriage.
Continue to do what is right with your wife. Treat her like a wife until the end whichever way it goes. Try and find counselling for you and your wife. You need to be in a church, make sure you find one if you are not already part of a church.
Try and also encourage and help your wife to change jobs and find something or somewhere she likes. It might mean changing careers but the frustration from her current job could also be contributing to her stance towards you.
Whenever you can find yourself some sort of employment to help around but remember that you are doing very great as it is with the circumstances at the moment.
If your wife is willing, try and find some activities you can do with your children together when and as possible. Keep showing her the love of family. As for your daughter or children pray for them for strength and peace through this time. It is a terrible time for them. And if you can by any means promote amongst your family. It is important.
Always remember to tell your wife you love her even if she rejects you in anyway. The same time she turns each time, just make sure and tell her you love her. Very important. You are now the one in the drivers seat to save your marriage no matter how innocent you are, be strong and if you can at times, seek advice from older couples or people who have restored their marriages. Buy marriage books; they educate a lot. They will show you ways of improvement in every area of marriage.
And may I remind you that it will be prayer to God through Jesus that will save your marriage. You need to pray.
Keep loving your wife till the end, never give up. Show her romance too without being physical in other ways and even new ways. There is always hope. Give everything of your life to Jesus. Put Jesus first in your life and your relationships. It will work your marriage will be fine. I encourage you to read 1 Samuel 30.
May God bless you and your marriage. May your wife open her heart to you and love you and desire to work and keep and enjoy your marriage. Stay Blessed.
Today is my 45th birthday. I was one of the women with the hardened heart. For many years I tried to work out my relationship with my husband until I gave up trying and our marriage began to fail considerably. My husband has been a Christian but we just did not exemplify God in our marriage. We have four daughters, the two youngest are aged 11 and 4.
I filled for divorce in April last year, I left home in November 2014, tried to get an injunction and found my own house where I lived with the kids. Our divorce hearing was continued once and a temporary plan was put in place for our kids. Immediately, I became aware that my husband had developed a close relationship with one of my friends whose children were my children’s closest friends. It hurt me deeply and I told her not to baby sit my kids. I asked m husband to find another baby sitter, but he would not. While he dropped off the kids at this friend’s house and spent a lot of time hanging out with her at our old home and forced the kids to conform to her demands, I realized that this was not what I wanted for my kids.
My friend also became very abusive and has caused the worst rift I have ever had with my husband to the extent that now he does not even talk with me. He neither writes nor communicates with me via phone or anything. In return she tells her everything that happens with the children and she spits it out to us. My friend greatly disappointed me and my husband too. Seeing no way to have a say in my children’s lives, I decided that exposing my children to the poor relating and conflict we were having was not what I had wanted when I filed for divorce.
Since my divorce had not been finalized, I decided I would dismiss it and see if my husband and I can work through our problems for the sake of our kids and ourselves. I know I am doing just the reverse, but my heart had been completely hardened, my circumstances still make me want to try for the sake of my kids. I do not think that my heart was so hardened towards my husband that I was willing to look the other way while my children suffered the consequences. I may have made a mistake in deposing of the case, but I am sure I am giving us a chance, even if my husband who had earlier responded that he did not want the divorce is the one who is now eluding me. I am angry at myself for being so compromising, but at the same time, I am just glad that I have an opportunity to give my children the kind of life they would not have gotten. And maybe my husband and I can work through things together even if it seems impossible right now. I wlll appreciate any input.
Hie Isabella. Firstly you need to pray for God to touch both your hearts completely. Then pray for reconciliation of the marriage. Your marriage will be restored with prayer. Join a good Bible church and seek help for counselling for both of you. Whenever you get the slightest chance to talk to your husband, reach his heart as much as you can with Bible verses. And from now on study your Bible about marriage and practice your marriage based on the bible.
I also recommend you buy books on marriage and also books on restored marriages. Read them. You have to be patient with your husband. It might take a while for him to come back but with great diligence and endurance your marriage can be restored. I have so much to tell you but I have to stop for now. I wish you all the best. I want your marriage to be restored; it will work. please don’t divorce for the sake of your children and yourselves. In time you will both realise that keeping your marriage was the best thing you could both have done. This is very important.
Hello my name is Robert, and I have broken my wife’s heart through harsh words lack of emotional attention lack of respect. In general, just being a lousy husband, and being a man of science have had somewhat a lack in faith in God. My wife is an amazing woman. We’ve been together a total of 12 years. She has recently shut down emotionally and I am devastated but I know things are much worse for her as she is severely wounded. We’re separating and I am in need of some spiritual guidance to work through this for myself as well as her.
In life one’s actions will determine what they reap. Those negative words you said all these years are now producing their product. Robert, never say harsh words or negative things to your wife again whichever way your marriage goes. But be of good cheer, your marriage can be saved by the grace of God.
So my advice to you firstly is seek and find God in your life. Go and join a good Bible based church. Accept Jesus in your life. The only way you will get your wife back is through Jesus. Remember that.
The other thing you need to do now is to pray that your wife changes her heart and comes back to you. You really need to both seek counselling. You’re now in the edge in your marriage you need to fight for your wife back by showing her love and using nice and loving words to her. Do this, for every wrong and harsh words you’ve said to her in the past, go and say the correct loving words for everything you have said. Always show her love from now on by using the right words.
Another thing I need to remind you is that it took twelve years of you saying harsh words to bring her to this point, so my sir, it can now take you twelve years or even double the time to change the situation and build loving words in her. My point is that it can take a long time to change her heart but please be patient with her. Please, please.
Don’t encourage talk of divorce between you two. Encourage talk of love and change for the better. In life people don’t really need a divorce, they just need a better relationship within their marriage. You need to change and find God, Robert. And please by any means possible don’t I repeat, do not have a lengthy separation. If possible avoid it and work things out whilst you are living together.
Divorce is such a terrible thing. You both need to work on your marriage. And also I don’t expect you Robert, to change overnight, but considering where your marriage is now I demand vast changes in you within a short time.
Start Bible talk and studies with your wife. Give your lives to God and remain in Jesus forever. As I always tell people, by marriage books, they will educate you. Particularly look for books on how to be a better husband, books on how to be a Godly husband. Do that.
My prayer for both of you is that you do not divorce; do not throw away your twelve years. You have both made it thus far, it means you can make it to the end.
I’m sorry to pounce on you Robert but I’m responding as to your message description of your marriage, please understand. It now requires you to change and say and do the right things. Keep your marriage, it’s the best thing to do. You will do great and be better. Show her love, show her God, show her Jesus. This is the way to win her back and turn the situation around.
This woman your wife loves you. To be with you twelve years in such circumstances of harsh words from you. It’s time to love her back.
Lastly, please to both, prevent divorce. It’s one of the worst things you need to avoid in life. You’ll both enjoy your marriage with changes from both sides for the better. All the best, Robert.
Hello, I am writing today because I am at my wits end. There is much to tell of the sin on both her and my parts. The death of our son less than a year ago has to have contributed to our turmoil. That and the fact that my wife lost her job while in an affair with her supervisor. My hidden drug use and pornography use has shattered her trust in me.
We have been together since we were 17 years old. We married in ’82 and have had more than our share of break ups. But this one is different in many ways. In our past we never, I mean never, called one another names. Nor did we ever shout or scream at one another. Never were there any threats or physical harm, no domestic violence at all. But that was then. We are both guilty on the shouting and name calling but on one particular occasion I was slapped kicked and punched.
I don’t say this in hopes of gaining favor, only to show how uncharacteristic we have become to each other. At no time did I fear for my life or safety. But that is exactly what my wife said right before she moved from our home to live with her brother 3 hours away. She has told me that there will be no reconciliation. When I told her that I would not give up and that I was still praying for us, she said “That’s fine, but I’m not, and if you want to continue to talk to me, you will quit thinking you still have a chance, you don’t”.
She no longer ends our conversations with “I love you”, simply “goodbye”. And those are the conversations that she will allow, mostly my attempts to communicate are ignored. I can’t just show up there and force her to speak to me because then I would be any number of things, a stalker, manipulator, or a control freak. To sit and do nothing while experiencing pain of the loss of a child and pain that is almost it’s equal in the loss of a marriage, is maddening. She was my best friend and I failed her. I know that when all of the layers are peeled back, or if you will, all of the bricks in the wall removed, it will reveal a heart that I trampled on. A gift from God that I took for granted. Please pray for her and what is left of my family.
Dearest John, Your case has been heard. I am going to take time out and pray for you. My intention is to take your message above exactly as it is to the Hand of God through Jesus exactly as you wrote it. Let us keep our eyes turned onto Jesus that by an extended Hand of grace your marriage may be restored. Seek Jesus and never stop looking to Him for help through all that you are going through. God bless you, your wife and family. I will be praying with you for your family. Stay Blessed
I was married 19 years yesterday. But since Feburary 25th this year my wife had me served with a court order, which technically made me homeless that fateful night. Our marriage has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs for 5 years after I admitted to having an emotional affair online with a girl I knew from school on Facebook. The irony is during school we hardly ever spoke and were remotely interested in each other. I love my wife with all my heart, but I’ve betrayed her trust.
Through the course of five years there has been good times, but also eruptive situations, which time won’t permit me to explain here. Long story short… in January this year we had an exchange of words, which resulted in more arguments. I went to embrace and hold her but she pushed me away and kept covering her face and head as though I was going to hit her or something. That really worried me. It was as though she was told to do this or something. It was a real kick in the teeth as I was only trying to hold her, but instead received this treatment. I was enraged and spat in her face. Within weeks after that I was served with a court order.
We have been separated for over 4 months without any signs of reconciliation. The court order stipulates that I can’t return to our marital home, I can have no contact with her in any way, but I still have access to our seven children. I had been in a backslidden state for about 6 years and during that time I constantly resisted any attempts from my wife to return from to the Lord, through disparaging and cynical unspiritual arrogance I was displaying that time.
I since have returned to the Lord for his grace and help. I’ve embraced prayer and church life again, which I neglected for so long to the detriment of the spiritual education and nurture of my family. I detest myself for this. I asked the Pastor and Elder of the church to act as mediators between us but nothing has made her soften her heart toward me. During the last meeting the Pastor and Elder had with her, she told them she had proceeded with divorce proceedings, but has halted the proceedings as she needs to make sure she isn’t sinning in doing so. I was told that she has hardened her heart against me, and the love and trust has gone.
I acknowledge my apologies are only worthy of their weight in action. But since our breakup, I’ve tried in the limited capacity I have available, to convey that I’m here for my wife and our children. I continually endeavour to be a better husband and father, but my hands are tied and I’m limited and restricted at this present time. I pray she would consider my course of action since I was removed from our home. I didn’t harass, stalk, revile her, or cause others to revile her. I didn’t demand my rights, but rather relinquished them so hers were upheld. I didn’t choose the path that most men would have taken, but instead I chose the ways of peace and of Christ. I showed her compassion, and continually made myself available to her and in all the things she requested from me from the time of break up, whereas countless other men in my situation would have done the complete opposite. Whether or not she has acknowledges my spirit in these things, the Lord certainly does.
I’ve begged and pleaded to the Lord to forgive my sinfulness and that He would by His Grace redeem my marriage back to its former glory and that we would serve Him as a family again. I fear that my wife is also being groomed online. I feel totally helpless to prevent this. Its a very distressing and heartbreaking situation I’ve found myself plunged into; its harrowing, like mourning a death or worse like that of a kidnapped child. It’s killing me. Every day I feel as I’m experiencing a very slow painful death. The other problem I’m facing is that her family members have interfered and have no regard for Godliness but have other agendas that dissuade her away from me. The longer this separation is prolonged, I fear that she is getting used to the idea of no longer having me around.
I would sincerely ask all who read of my story to pray to the Lord on my behalf, that God would turn this whole thing around for His glory and that the stranglehold of Satan would be released. I appreciate your prayers and ask for any advice in how to cope with this during this dark time in my life.
I’ve been with my wife for 3 years. When we began to live together it was in her house. This is a 2nd marriage for both and it has been hard. We fought and she asked me to leave. I said no because I knew my rights so she served me with a protection from abuse order so the police would put me in the streets, which she did. I love her; my heart is smashed. What do I do? If I violate the order it’ll mean jail. Please help.
Go to the hearing and defend yourself against the allegations. Do not contact her. Don’t answer the phone if she calls, dont try to get messages to her through her Mom or sister or friend. If you violate that order your done and then you will need a lawyer. It’s that one sided and that serious. I am sorry to hear your going through that.
This is now the 18th Day since my wife told me she no longer loved me, had no feelings for me and wants a divorce. This, after 30 years of marriage and 4 wonderful kids. This, after many years of me:
* Speaking with harsh words
* Making her feel like her opinions did not matter
* Sometimes taking her for granted
* Not always trusting her
* Making light of some of her ‘phobia’s
* Being rude to her in front of the kids now and then
* Not truly understanding all of her deeds thereby dismissing them.
The first warning sign was 14 years ago and I promised to be better…and did… but would fall back into old ways. The second warning sign happened 2 years ago when she had an affair… and I fully forgave her. The 3rd warning was 18 days ago.
She is resolved to go thru with the divorce. I’ve said that I don’t agree with a divorce and would like to jointly go to a priest/counselor BUT will “let her go” and will work to make me a better me and to work with her on the path she has chosen in as positive a way I can so as to minimize impact on our kids, our families and each other.
I am seeing a counselor; have an appt with a priest and am praying that God will help us get thru this. I truly love my wife and do not want it to end….but I don’t know what else I can do.