The title of this article is a long one, but it’s an important issue within marriage… VERY important! It deals with sexual refusal within the marriage. Just because a husband stops asking his wife to make love, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t still want to. (For those of you who are not married, I’m sorry. But this article and the one that follows are aimed for those who are married.)
“The story goes something like this: One spouse has a higher drive (HD), and the other spouse has a lesser drive (LD). Spouse HD asks, pursues, begs, pleads, prays, asks, wonders… and finally stops. Spouse LD, meanwhile, feels frustrated, cajoled, annoyed, resentful… and finally relieved.”
Sexual Refusal Within Marriage
But there’s more to this whole scenario than this, as the title implies.
To take you to the rest of what the author wrote on this issue, I’m going to send you to another web site. I was going to ask permission to post the article that follows. The author, J. Parker is great that way. But there are many comments after the article, which are compelling to read. And we don’t want you to miss out on those either.
So, we’re providing a link to the Hot, Holy, and Humorous web site. This way you can read what they have written on this topic. It doesn’t just pertain to husbands who are refused. It also addresses wives, as well. If you need to flip a few pronouns around here and there, please do so. But they do a pretty good job of addressing both. Intimacy needs are important to address, whether they come from the husband or the wife.
BUT PLEASE, if you post anything on their comment line, please post it here, as well. We’d love for this topic to be discussed on both of our web sites so we can all benefit. Thanks!
Please Read:
• Just Because He Stopped Asking, Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting
The question was asked in the above article, “Can we work on our sex life?”
That’s a question that a lot of spouses have asked and will ask. The author of the next article, Chris, was asked that question quite a bit. But she says that she was the “refuser” in her marriage.
Here’s part of her testimony concerning sexual refusal from another angle:
“After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire. I’m learning to enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.”
In another article posted on her web site, The Forgiven Wife, she writes:
“My husband had his access to emotional and physical intimacy controlled by me for two decades. He has seen me change. I’ve atoned for my sin, in both thought and deed. My husband has forgiven me, and so has my God. Most of the time, I can even say I’ve forgiven myself. I thank God that my husband did not think I was beyond redemption. I mean that in the fullness of the definition, not just theologically.”
The following is a link to part of her testimony. You can read more on her web site, as well. (Again, we’re hoping that if you post a comment on her web site, you’ll post it here too. This way the topic can be openly discussed by husbands and wives who deal with the “refusal” issue.)
Please read:
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
Married for 38 years and my wife has muscular dystrophy making sex hard and uncomfortable for her. As a result, her desires completely ceased a couple years ago. I have given up on complimenting her because she simply doesn’t believe them with her extremely low self-esteem and completely given up on pursuing sex with her.
I now consider us room mates and myself, her caregiver (which she hates when I refer to myself as her caregiver and not her husband). I have prayed and prayed for the Lord to intervene but nothing has changed. Instead of standing firm (as I should do) I have gravitated to porn for self-satisfaction. Total sin but I can’t overcome this awful prison of my flesh. I struggle not to resent my wife and remind myself she can’t help this and she didn’t ask for it. Discussing my sexual frustrations with her is not in the cards as she would become extremely defensive and it wouldn’t solve anything. I am trapped being forced to be celibate but cheating with porn due to my sin nature.
See: https://youtu.be/VBrKfdFEYY8?si=Fku2CRrwPpBfnLgq
Praying for you, brother. Idk if this will help strengthen you but it strengthened me. All things are possible. Keep leaning into the Lord. I am in a similar situation. Not as severe as yours, but I can empathize with you. You are heard and seen. I will be praying for you.
Leonard, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this place. I also feel for your wife. Neither of you want to be in this place. How I wish I had words for you that could change all of this for you! But I can’t. But I do want to tell you that I hear you and feel for you.
I also want to challenge you to pray about something. Please don’t give yourself permission to keep doing what you are by claiming, “I am a sinner” as if it will give you a “pass” card. It doesn’t. And please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly (with your wife cutting you off sexually), solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not.
Sure, you aren’t cheating physically with another woman. That, at least is one good decision you are making. But when you use your eye gate to take in porn, you’re still inviting another woman into your relationship. Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” It’s still adultery.
Leonard, I don’t want to come down on you hard. You WANT to do the right thing. I get that, and God does too. But good intentions aren’t enough to justify your sinful actions. And I know the sexual drive is a horrible task master. It’s equated that it can be even harder to resist than the drive to steal food can be to a starving person. Most women don’t get that. The surge of testosterone can make even the best intentioned spouse look for illegitimate ways to satisfy their sexual urges. Even so, as a Christian you can’t look for sinful ways to solve your temptations.
Leonard, I wish that you and your wife could talk. Please don’t rule that out. She may be more open than you think if you approach her right concerning this type of situation. Please pray about this. Don’t assume that it isn’t an option. God will give you wisdom on this if you ask Him and keep asking Him.
I also want you to consider some unconventional ways to get your sexual needs met if your wife indeed can’t have intercourse with you because of it hurting her. I’m not saying you SHOULD do the things I’m going to suggest, but perhaps you could. First off, you and your wife could make love without your penetrating her. You can be intimate in many other ways. Also, she has a hand that can caress you and cause you to get to a place of satisfaction. If other options aren’t available, this might be a viable one. This way you get your satisfaction from your wife.
If she wouldn’t be open to this, you have a hand that can bring you some relief. Normally I would never suggest this. The main goal of the marriage bed is for both spouses to be involved without anyone else in any form being involved. But if your wife isn’t available, this is at least better than using the images of another woman to get to that place. You can imagine making love to your wife… not anyone else.
I know of one couple where there are physical problems involved so that the husband can’t get an erection. He can still achieve orgasm, but it’s not medically possible through penetration. And the wife can’t help him because of arthritis in her hands. So, she gives him permission to satisfy himself with his hand anytime he feels he needs it and she is intimate with him at other times in other ways. This way there is still intimacy, and he is still able to achieve orgasms when he needs this type of relief. It’s completely unconventional. But it works for them. And since there is no one other than them involved (physically or visually) their marriage bed is in tact.
Again, this is totally different than we would ever suggest to any married couple. But for this couple, it works and sin is not involved. Please pray about this. You truly do need to break the porn habit. Many, many other men have done this so it’s not impossible. And then see what God shows you about what I’m writing here. It may not work for you and your wife, but perhaps it will. It sure is a better option than being in the porn prison you are in right now. You may achieve temporary bio-chemical satisfaction for a bit, but when sin is involved you open yourself up to other problems–worse than your original problem.
I pray the Lord guides you and your wife on this. It is definitely an important matter. And if your wife feels bad about herself now, your looking at porn for satisfaction will definitely not build up her confidence in any way. It will hurt it all the more. Plus, it hurts you spiritually and hurts your marriage in other ways. I pray the Lord helps both of you. “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)
My ex wife of 15 years did that and after a month I was done.
Wow! You tried to work it out for a whole month! So much for vows said before God that you will love and cherish each other to work through issues that can separate you!
I thank God that my husband had more perseverance than that until God and he finally helped me to see that my refusal was totally wrong and I needed to not be such a staunch gatekeeper of how our intimacy was to be expressed. We now have a very loving, beautifully intimate life that satisfies us both. It took a LONG time (especially for my husband), but I’m SO thankful for my husband’s love, patience, grace, and prayerfulness in working with God in this. Thank you Jesus! We would have missed so many wonderful years together and our children, grandchildren, friends and spouses that we are able to minister to, would have also missed out on the blessed years we are now spending together.
I pray you will reconsider your decision to leave your wife over this instead of persevering and letting “perseverance complete its good work” in you and your wife.
John, just let me add to what my wife (Cindy) said; it was definitely worth the wait given where we are today in our marriage.
Good for you John. I’m with you. If more men took a stand like that, fewer women would try to pull that kind of nonsense. She is either your wife or she is not. She walked down the aisle on the wedding day and accepted her role as being your wife, knowing full well what that involved. Then once they get the title of wife and all the security and benefits that come with it, they then try to pick and choose which responsibilities they will or will not fulfill. If they tried this at their place of employment they would be promptly fired and shown the door.
Having a bad wife is like having a disabling disease. Best wishes.
I am the wife to a man who will not touch me. When he does it’s good but he could go without it for months and I am someone who could have sex at least once a day. I am beautiful and fit and well kept but sometimes I actually try to not look nice because he will kiss me and say he loves me throughout the day but by night say he is too tired. Let’s just cuddle. The kids the this the that- there is always an excuse. It gets defeating to have to beg for sex and it hurts my feelings.
I realize 15 years later it stems from a highly religious woman who made sex so sinful he has his own issues. I waited to have sex until I was married and at times I fully regret it- I was raised to be told men need this, it’s holy and good, and it’s healthy. Even on our honeymoon he refused me once in lingerie because he was stressed out from a work call.
It’s pretty much the into thing we fight about. I stuff it down until it gets too bad, he eventually obliges after I make him feel like crap and or I say something and then he is defensive and pulls away even more. It’s like a no touch talk zone so I just suffer until he is horny and then sometimes it can feel hard like okay cool now we can do it… when it works for you.
I know I have some bitterness and I need to work on it. None of my girlfriends are like me- they are the opposite and don’t want their husbands to touch them.
This weekend we are at a beautiful cabin, in our own room, with a big group of friends and he said he can’t have sex because someone could maybe hear us. I am shaved, in pretty Jammies, look sexy everyday and I know I almost had to cover up for the sake of the other husbands – my husband barely looks at me. I have these cute jammies and I said I should change for the sake of the other men but my husband doesn’t look at me while others do- it’s like he lacks desire for a good body and a sexy flirtatious woman.
I swear unless the stars align it’s just not in our cards. The few times we have had sex and he has initiated he can’t even speak the words… I actually joked once you need to say what you want. Say it please ask me for sex don’t just say, “hey wanna go upstairs and cuddle?” Because you have every right to my body and I actually wish you would ask for it.
Sadly I fantasize about being with one of the many men who are in the same boat as me- women who never ever put out and I think well we could at least sexually be satisfied and then stay married and not break up our families. It’s sad I’m just 36 years old and sometimes I feel like I am still a virgin who was married at 21. When we do have sex there are no issues it’s great, I’m fun and encouraging and I always get there and he does too but the fact that he can go without for weeks on end kills me. He even says you are the best lover like you are amazing.
People suggest maybe he does porn, he is having an affair etc but the truth is he just does not want it. I wish that was the case that maybe he had a secret life but his secret life is his stressful career, I could beg to give him a blowjob or just please him and he will refuse say I’m being childish. Eventually I feel like I am nagging begging for sex. I have asked about us going to counseling for it but he sees my desires as childish and unmerited like I provide for you and I am good for you what more could you want- if and when we talk it eventually turns into me saying sorry for being so ungrateful and regretting talking about it because the.
I feel like I am punished and it’s pushed out even longer. As a woman I have never done porn, or used any stuff to please me and when I say I feel like his absence makes me feel tempted for that he says that’s disgusting and like I am gross. How could I even consider that. When my kids are raised idk if I can stay married because I feel so unloved physically and it makes me feel unloved emotionally. He sees no connection to it. I worry I will grow old and have never been able to fulfill this desire.
We did do an anniversary trip and I said I wanted us to have as much sex as possible that I wanted him to use me and enjoy me… I can tell that’s his hang up in some form… he feels like a bad boy and I think ultimately his mom messed him up. I said I wanted him to literally do me no matter what think about himself and just go no need for me to go too and I do think it helped him but once we got home he completely turned it off. Have been waiting now for 8 weeks. I know people wait for years but I think I would physically die if I had to. Tell me how you guys survive this?