What do you do if have a spouse who is a good person, but spends so much time with everyone and everything else, that you feel neglected? How can you, as a spouse, demand more time from this “good-hearted person” when he or she doesn’t have much more time to give? For the next few times we’ll be talking about our schedules and being marriage minded.
When you’re married to someone who is kind, and generous it’s difficult to think about complaining. And yet YOU also have needs.
Schedules and Being Marriage Minded
For one thing, you’re lonely for your spouse’s companionship. You wish you weren’t; but the truth is that you are. One of the reasons you married him or her is to spend more time together. So it’s only natural that you’d feel that way. And yet you don’t want to pull your spouse away from the wonderful things he/she is doing to help others. You feel guilty in asking your spouse for more time. That’s especially true when it comes to things he/she does for the cause of Christ (ministry).
That is a dilemma that has been battled in homes for centuries. And truly, there is no easy answer. It’s certainly one we personally battle with in our home. This is because of the demands of the ministry of Marriage Missions and other great causes, in which we’re involved. So we don’t have a sure-fire answer. But we’ve learned a few things along the way that might help you with this dilemma.
The first thing to consider is the priorities you agreed to when you married each other. In 1 Corinthians 7 you can see where the Apostle Paul warns those who marry. He tells them that they will “face many troubles in this life” just because they’re married. He warns them that their time will now be divided —more than if they were single.
In 1 Corinthians 7:33-35 we’re told:
“But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world —how can he please his wife —and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs. Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world —how can she please her husband?“
As Paul says, “I want to spare you this.”
It’s not that remaining single is the only way in which we can be involved in ministry. But we need to realize that once we marry, we are to consider our partner in all we do. We don’t have as much “undivided” time available. We’re now a “cord of three strands” with the Lord included. Our time and attention is stretched thinner than it was before. That is a reality.
If our partner’s needs are being neglected and he or she isn’t in agreement to make the sacrifice, then we need to re-evaluate how we’re spending our time. It’s important to ask the Lord to show us how to do this. After all, our marriages are to be a reflection of Christ’s love for the church! Does Christ neglect the church? Didn’t He put aside His own time that showed His love by giving His life and time for her good and betterment? This is a living example we are to follow.
Giving Leftovers in Schedules
Steve and I (Cindy) lead very busy lives. We can’t spend as much time together as we would like because of it. But we work to make sure that the other doesn’t just get the “left-overs” of our time, energies, and resources. We find ways to reserve enough of our time, strength, and resources to give the best of ourselves to each other. All other scheduling possibilities are secondary.
We’ve learned that just because we can do something, it doesn’t mean we should do it. God has not called us to do everything. Even Jesus didn’t heal everyone in the world. He also found time to do other things. We need to learn what He has called us to do and what He hasn’t. We need to wisely discern when to work, when to rest, and when to play. When we marry, this is especially true.
When you marry you take on the responsibility to change your mind-set so you consider God and your spouse in how you conduct your life. The problem comes when we marry and we don’t change the way we think about how we conduct our days. We bring “single-mindedness” into the wedding. And then we leave with the same mind-set even though we’ve vowed to become united.
Many of us have even gone trough the tradition of the wedding ceremony of lighting the Unity candle with our individual candles. We then blow out our single candles as a symbol of “becoming one” in marriage. And yet we leave the church after the ceremony and somehow forget to change some very important things. One of them is how we spend our time.
Schedules Reflecting Singleness
At first, we may go through the motions of changing our schedules to include each other. But eventually life settles in and everyday living “crowds” us away from one another. We settle back into the mind-set of conducting our lives as two single people out to conquer whatever comes our way. We see all that needs to be done. Plus, we think our spouse will “naturally” understand why we’ve allowed him or her to be crowded out of our schedule.
But often this isn’t the case. Our spouse has needs for companionship. And even if he or she is understanding at first, is it a sustainable way to live out our married lives together? When we neglect our spouse’s need for companionship, isn’t it leaving the door open for temptation to take root? In many cases there’s someone else who is willing to pay more attention to the lonely spouse’s needs. Also, is this how God would really want is to live our lives together?
It’s like what Dr. Steve Stephens said:
“It’s a sad state of affairs when we take better care of our cars and houses than we do our marriages. We change the oil, fill the tank, check the tires, and periodically tune up our cars. We change light bulbs, wash windows, paint walls, unplug toilets, and re-roof our houses. But what do we do to maintain our marriage? The truth is —more damage is done than repairs are made. Just how important is your marriage? Is it more important to you than your car or your home? Are you willing to put the time and energy and whatever else it takes to prove to your partner how valuable the relationship truly is to you?”
Marriage is an Advertisement for God
In all of this, please think about something Jason Krafsky wrote (in his pre-marriage workbook, “Before I Do“):
“Marriage is a living advertisement for God. When a couple engages in the act of marriage, they display God. How couples handle life’s ups and downs presents a side of God’s nature to the world. How a couple communicates, argues, and resolves conflict gives people a greater sense of who God is. By uniting both parts of humanity, marriage helps people grasp God better. They then see God more clearly, know God more deeply, and live for God more intently. Every married couple is an advertisement for God. Ultimately, it is up to each married couple to decide how persuasive their public notice for God will be.”
But of course, you need to spend time together to be able to be a “living advertisement” —one that draws others TO God.
Please prayerfully consider what we’ve just written. In the next Marriage Message we’ll revisit this subject a little bit further. We’ll address how to get important things done in our lives that need our attention and still reserve time for each other. We see this as an important mission.
Cindy and Steve Wright
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3 responses to “Schedules: Be Marriage Minded – MM #237”
(USA) Just the other day I asked my husband to rate our marriage/relationship from 1 to 5, 1, being in best relationship and 5, being at its worst (separation or divorce). He answered, 2.5. I had to repeat the ratings to him once again, thinking that he may not have understood it the first time. But he was adamant about the rating of 2.5.
If I was asked this same question, I would have answered 4.5, as I feel that he’s neglected our relationship because he’s put all his energy and effort at work and when he gets home, he tells me he just wants to relax and watch TV and not think of anything else… that is the ‘leftover’ myself and the kids get. Though he will also do the same thing on the weekend in which he doesn’t work.
Apparently, he thinks our relationship is great even though I (at this point -of 9 years being married to him) have ‘complaint’ about the same thing over the years. I have come to the realization that he never took the time to think why has his wife complained of the same ‘old’ stuff and not get satisfied. I realized that is because he never took the time to answer or resolve it.
Whenever I let him know about certain issues, he would reply to me that ‘there’s no issue’ I’m the only one making an issue out of it. I’m in the midst of giving up but I am also thinking of my kids. I pray to the Lord to help me to be strong as I feel that the person I am married to really is oblivious to what is at hand.
(UNITED STATES) This was just what I needed to read today; I look forward to more encouragement this week!
What about when your husband is not a believer? I struggle with the fact mine just does not share the same priorities as I do, but I feel like even though he doesn’t love Jesus and make following Him a priority, that our marriage and family should still be up there on the list! I don’t want to put unrealistic expectations on my husband, but he is not under the discipleship of other Godly men who put their families first –is it my job to say something? He spends most of his time and energy outside of work pouring himself into athletic training; I’m talking to the Lord to get past my anger about this, and I realize I’m just hurt he doesn’t want to spend time with us. But I have no idea how to broach this in a loving way –he’s very “hands off, this is my lifestyle –just like you have your Jesus hobby” about it. Submission is so much harder, messier, complicated! But I know that God is working on me as much as my husband, it’s just so hard to learn how to communicate these things!
Hi Megan, There’s no doubt that you will have more of a challenge, in getting your point across as far as your beliefs –even when it comes to scheduling. I encourage you to us the gleaning method… where you obtain information, and then ask God to show you IF you should use it and if so, how to best rephrase it so it doesn’t sound like you are attacking your husband with your “Jesus hobby” (as your husband puts it).
First, I recommend you read through the “Unbelieving Spouse” topic on this web site. I believe it will help you to understand better how to approach your husband. One of the things my brother told us (when he eventually accepted Christ later in life) is that it was the consistent love that his wife showed him and my husband and I showed him, that helped him to be more open. He said that we didn’t preach to him, but love, love, loved him and showed him Christ through our actions. That enabled him to let down his guard and be more open than if we had “gone after him” with the gospel (his words). You’ll see the principles laid out within the various articles, quotes, testimonies and such that we’ve posted in that topic.
Also, There is an excerpt from the book, When Work and Family Collide written by Andy Stanley, in the article, Why Some Spouses Give Up. I encourage you to read the article and the book. You may be able to glean some information, which you can use to help your husband understand that you just want to spend more time with him and because you’re married, that isn’t too much to ask –that you don’t always get his left-over time, but priority time, sometimes. I hope this helps in this issue, and others, as well.